Ultramarines

Ultramarines
Battle Cry	"Courage and Honour!" and "We March for Macragge!"
Number	XIII
Founding	First Founding
Successors of	N/A
Successor Chapters	Too many
Chapter Master	Marneus Calgar
Primarch	Rowboat Girlyman
Homeworld	Macragge
Strength	1000 Marines
Specialty	Being mediocre
Allegiance	Imperium
Colours	Blue, white & gold

Fig.1.1: A Smurf.

The Ultramarines are a chapter of Space Marines, probably the most famous and well-known (both within the Warhammer 40,000 universe and without). Games Workshop considers the Ultramarines their chapter of choice, and the Ultramarines represent the standard upon which most other Space Marine chapters are based. Why Games Workshop would want a Space Marine chapter whose symbol is a toilet seat is beyond us. Despite what canon has been trying to imply lately (see the intro to the CGI failmovie), the Ultramarines are not named so because they are 'ultra', as in, superior, 'marines. Nope, they're called that because their armour is ultramarine, which is a shade of blue. They have an easily recognisable blue-with-gold-trim colour scheme - the blue colouration, coupled with the small size of the minis, has lead them to be nicknamed "Smurfs" by some. A squad of Ultramarines are the protagonists of the recently released 40k-based movie (coincidentally titled "Ultramarines").

Cockmongler and Happy Negro, the typical Ultramarines .

The Primarch of the Ultramarines was Roboute Guilliman, and it was he who wrote the (in?)famous Codex Astartes after the events of the Horus Heresy, prescribing each Space Marine chapter to a mere thousand warriors to ensure that no one man would ever command the loyalty of an entire Space Marine legion again, and to water down all the Space Marine legions so that they'd not be able to combat threats effectively, complain to the High Lords about not having enough forces, and getting to sit back and watch TV/write slashfics while the Imperial Guard do all the work. At least, that was the plan, but Roboute Guilliman himself never got to see it come to light, as he was mortally wounded by a poisonous attack from his bro, the Traitor Primarch Fulgrim, and he has been kept in stasis by the Ultramarines for thousands of years, where many claim that his wound is slowly healing (which is stupid, but whatever). Robot Girlyman is proclaimed time and time again to be the most amazingest person ever, with Marneus Calgar a close second - but only because he's the most like Robot Girlyman in the entire universe. Basically the Ultramarines are a fanclub of their Primarch, in ways so low that even the Blood Angels with their emo angst over Sanguinius cannot compare. They sit around in their sparkly amazing clubhouse and talk about how awesome he is, and, by proximity, how awesome they are.

Many, but not all, of the other Space Marine legions adopted the Codex and split up into multitudes of smaller chapters, and most Space Marine chapters today follow the practices found within it. The rest of the Chapters realise how completely stupid it is to purposely limit themselves, and they're all "screw you!". Marneus Calgar doesn't like this, and the only reason he hasn't gone to war with the Black Templars or Space Wolves or others like them, is because they're scary, and it might take a bit of effort. When it's a random struggling Chapter whose numbers are in double digits (or maybe even... *gasp* triple), then sure, subjugating them is done in a quick and efficient manner. They're basically nerds who think that Kirk is best pony, so they're beating up all the Picard fans that are a lot smaller than they are. (Not to say that Kirk isn't awesome. Perhaps a redshirt is a more suitable metaphor for the Codex/Robot Girlyman). Because their own Fantastic McWonderland thus having a constant supply of Aspirants, plus their gene-seed remains as pure as snowflakes, theirs is the variety most commonly used to found new Space Marine chapters.

Because they are the poster-boys for Space Marines, they are perhaps the most famous Chapter in the general 40k fandom, but are widely hated by many denizens of /tg/. This may initially have been due to their popularity - the Space Marines in general suffer something of a backlash from fa/tg/uys because of their overwhelming popularity with the annoying young children that infest the hobby, and the Ultramarines are the most popular of them all - but of recent editions the blatant favouritism displayed by certain Games Workshop writers towards the Chapter have earned them considerable ire, especially from fans of other Space Marine chapters that get slagged off in the process. This is mainly the fault of Matthew Ward, responsible for the latest Ultramarines codex, which is full of ridiculous fanboyism and claims that every chapter strives to be like the Ultramarines and that the ones who don't are clearly aberrants who are dying out (this certainly comes as news to chapters like the Black Templars, Raven Guard, Iron Hands, and Space Wolves, who were doing perfectly fine the last time they checked).

Unfortunately for the Ultramarines, some aspects of their history from earlier editions are fairly well entrenched and can't really be changed now. This includes Roboute Guilliman falling hook, line and sinker for a diversionary trick that took him and the Ultramarines to the opposite side of the galaxy when Horus decided to launch his rebellion at Terra, and the entire Ultramarines 1st Company being wiped out by Tyranids during a holding action during the Battle of Macragge - behold the beginnings of their long history of doing nothing. Had Matt Ward been responsible for writing these parts of history, they'd probably have seen right through the clumsy deceptions of the traitor legions and Roboute Guilliman himself would have shown up to save the Emperor after Horus mortally wounded him, and had a Terminator squad an Ultramarines Neophyte single-handedly hold off the entirety of the Tyranid siege on Macragge, armed only with a wet fish.

In Bygone Days

Ultrmarines, from the days of Awesome.

This grizzled Neckbeard recalls a time when they weren't retarded or hated.

Before the time of stupid - before the thrice-cursed Matt Ward.

There was an actual fanbase for this chapter once, one that once held deep reverence for the Ultramarines - not because of idiotic Matt Ward fluff, but because they were honest-to-goodness "Joe Everyman" of Space Marines. Many players who stuck with Marines got their start with the Ultramarines, and there was ample fluff of the chapter taking its lumps and fighting on, like men - Macragge, Black Reach, and more. Hell, even Winter Assault harkened back to these simpler times, back when the Ultramarines were worthy of respect and whilst /tg/ simply disliked them before, it was mostly because of the population of newblets that arrived, and not because the fluff was retarded and portrayed them as SECOND TO TEH EMPRAH. Armies like Matt Hudson's were examples of what an actually good Ultramarines group with deep fluff centered around every victory and loss could be like. Players reminisced over the Ultras because they were, for many, their starting army for 40K.

The Ultramarine's central concepts were that of a well drilled, immaculate army of warrior-monks who executed their duty with professionalism and competence. "By the book, no mistakes," was the Ultramarine way. In part this came because of their extensive study and practice of the Codex Astartes, which covered a very broad range of battlefield situations and doctrine to live by. Thanks to each and every one of them training and living by it, their companies operated like a smoothly functioning combat machine with every unit functionally interlocking with every other. However, as much as this by-the-book discipline was their strength, it was also their weakness, since the few situations that the Codex Astartes did not prepare them for tended to catch them flat-footed, lacking the flexibility to properly respond. The initial Tyranid invasion was one such situation, and new doctrines had to be written for dealing with them. Putting it differently, they had weaknesses to balance out their strengths, and actual character development, something this faggot gets the vapors over.

The Ultramarines also feature in a novel series written by Graham McNeil, which actually shows that the Ultras are not wholly perfect (indeed, Uriel Ventris, the main character, makes a cataclysmic mistake after taking captaincy) but were still decent human beings who actually respected and cared about the common people of the Imperium. To McNeill's credit, he showed amazing awareness of how bad the recent fluff with the Ultramarines was, and tried to change that in Chapter's Due by having them seek help from other people. You can imagine how Ward felt about that.

There was a time where the Ultramarines were frankly more human, showing both the strengths and weaknesses of humanity all the stronger. They lost members to Chaos, and groups of their forces undertook penitence crusades. There was battles they lost, such as against the Necrons. They held Macragge against Hive Fleet Behemoth, but with a staggering toll in lives from which it took them centuries to build back up to full combat readiness. They defeated the Alpha Legion, but fell prey to the trap set by said legion and paid the price for Guilliman's hubris, something that Guilliman himself felt immense guilt for. They were fallible before Matt Ward got involved, and they were more characterful for it, as it made their victories that much more inspiring.

The Ultramarines players that actually existed before Matt Ward were rarely given much more than mild indifference from /tg/ in the past. There is thus no one who hates their fluff in the new edition more than those who were long-term fans and players of the Ultramarines. Matt Ward's fluff was so bad, in fact, that it caused players to abandon the Ultras in favor of other Marine chapters, such as the Imperial Fists, Salamanders, and Raven Guard (the latter of which Matt Ward seems to have a personal vendetta against). Other players were so alienated that they either turned to Chaos or stopped playing Marines entirely.

Thus is the hatred brought about by the hubris of one man.

(On the plus side, Sixth edition has arrived. New Codex by a different writer? We can dream. Or we can have nightmares.)

Quotes to Rage By

This article or section involves Matthew Ward, Spiritual Liege, who is universally-reviled on /tg/. Because this article or section covers Ward's copious amounts of derp and rage, fans of the 40K series are advised that if they proceed onward, they will see fluff and crunch violation of a level rarely seen.

One of the Ultramarines few shining moments of Awesome, an extraordinary rarity since the beginning of the Ward Era.

"Chapters [not descended from Guilliman's geneseed] are disciples who owe their genetic inheritance to another Primarch, but follow the Codex Astartes as keenly as their divergent heritage allows. While primarily composed of successor Chapters, this group also includes several Chapters of the First Founding - notably the Imperial Fists, White Scars and the Raven Guard. These chapters can never be Ultramarines, for their gene-seed is not that of Roboute Guilliman. Nevertheless, they will ever aspire to the standards and teachings of the great Primarch.

[Chapters who do not emulate the Ultramarines] are aberrants; chapters who, through quirk of gene-seed, mutation or stubbornness, eschew the Codex Astartes in favor of other structural and combat doctrines. Some, such as the Blood Angels and their successors, strive to be worthy of Guilliman's legacy, but their recalcitrant gene-seed drives them ever further from it. Others, such as the Space Wolves and the Black Templars, remain stubbornly independent, looking to their own founder's ways of war and caring little of how they fare in the eyes of others. These aberrant Chapters were always few in number and their presence diminishes with each passing decade, for their gene-seed is no longer the source of fresh Chapters." - Matt Ward, Ultramarines player, codex writer (unfortunately), Codex: Space Marines, 5th Edition, p/ 25. (What, you thought we made this up ourselves? Also note that the Black Templars actually outnumber the Ultramarines at a ratio of at least 6:1. The Space Wolves also outnumber them, though not to such a drastic rate.)

"Trust me, somewhere deep in the Eye of Terror, the Blood God himself weeps alone in the dark, for he knows in his heart of hearts: no matter what he may do, no matter what incomparable feats he may accomplish, no matter how infinite and unfathomable his glory...he can never be an Ultramarine." - Marneus Calgar, Chapter Master of the Ultramarines. (Not that Calgar actually said this, but Matt Ward has. Actually, this is true for most character quotes below.)

"This wouldn't be a problem if Horus was an Ultramarine. You know it's true." - The God-Emperor of Mankind, remarking to Sanguinius during the Horus Heresy.

"My company and I alone have more victories and battle honors than do the entirety of other individual chapters!" - Cato Sicarius, captain of the Ultramarines 2nd company. Presumably the other chapters he's referring to were the Lamenters (the unluckiest sons of bitches ever to don pauldrons), Flame Falcons or any other of the 21st founding brothers who mutated into puddles of semi-animate goo held together by power armor. And while its technically correct to say 'I have achieved more than those guys who got abandoned to die three separate times, picked the losing side in a major war and then got eaten by Tyranids' it sounds kinda less impressive when you say it that way.

"Don't you know it? A shining battalion of Ultramarines, high on every wall around the palace, fought the unwashed hordes who dared to attack the Imperium. When The Emperor and Guilliman went to fight Horus they found the poor man had painted his armor blue and had glued horse shoes to his pauldrons. The Emperor was mortally wounded, but Horus had been no match for Guilliman. Sanguinius, who was also there, killed himself out of shame, realizing then that he would never be an Ultramarine." - A modestly confused historian.

"I am indeed so proficient at my work as a scout sergeant that other chapters borrow me to train their own scouts. I also train Ultramarines scouts so well our initiates are equal to captains of lesser chapters." - Torias Telion, scout sergeant of the Ultramarines and runner up in 'Biggest Bullshitter in Segmentum Solar' contest.

"I am positively and undeniably the most gifted of all tank commanders in the entire Imperium. This is not a statement of arrogance, but rather one of verifiable fact." - Antaro Chronus, tank commander of the Ultramarines demonstrating some minor misunderstanding as to nature of the word 'fact'.

"Eldrad Ulthran voluntarily sacrificed himself to Slaanesh, for he had finally foreseen that even had they struggled for all eternity, the Eldar would never be the equals of Ultramarines, nor could they ever fully grasp the glorious legacy of Roboute Guilliman. Any torment She Who Thirsts could conceive would pale in comparison to living with this horrible truth, and in the end, maybe Slaanesh would take pity on the Eldar since she, too, shares the pain of never being able to reach the shining peak of superiority that are the true Sons of Guilliman." - An unidentified farseer of Craftworld Ulthwé.

"To the man, every single member of the Imperial Guard's 412 Cadian, 1st Kronus, and 252nd Kaurava Conservator regiments committed suicide. I was powerless. As a commissar, how could I threaten to BLAM men who willingly BLAM'D themselves? In his final moments I managed to grab a guardsman and ask what had driven the men to do such a thing. 'Because we know we can never be Ultramarines,' He told me right before blowing his own head off with his Lasgun." - Unknown member of the Imperial Commissariat.

"I have pierced the mind-crippling veil of the Hive Mind and can foresee their intents with such accuracy that many suspect only the Emperor Himself could have attained such a feat. It is without question that I am uniquely the most powerful psyker in the entire galaxy, perhaps even as powerful as the Emperor." - Varro Tigurius, librarian of the Ultramarines, realising that if you're going to lie, you gotta go big.

"In truth, Hive Fleet behemoth attacked Ultramar because the Tyranid Hive mind wanted to become an Ultramarine and accept Roboute Guilliman as it's spiritual liege and Chapter Master Calgar as it's temporal master. When it was turned down, it attacked in hopes of consuming Ultramarine geneseeds to become one of us...but deep down it knew that it could never become an Ultramarine." - Chaplain Varnus.

"Your presence does not surprise me, Assassin. I have known of you ever since your craft entered the Eastern Fringes. Why did I not have you killed? Because your mission and the act you are about to commit proves the truth of all I have ever said or done that I will never be as tactical as my brother Roboute. I merely punished those who had wronged, just as your False Emperor now seeks to punish me wanted to match his awesomeness, My only regret is that I couldn't and through trying lead my chapter to the worship of chaos. Death is nothing compared to vindication the curse of never being a son of Guilliman." - A Script showing the Last recorded Words of Konrad Curze, as published by Roboute Guilliman.

"I single-handedly, casually, and easily bested a Bloodthirster of Khorne in hand to hand combat and sent it screaming back into the warp; other chapters would need to send an entire company of assault marines to have the smallest hope of defeating such a beast in close combat." - Chaplain Varnus.

"I was not a tactical genius. My Legion should follow another primarch instead and aspire to his teachings more than my own. My only regret is that thanks to my inferior gene-seed my sons can never be true Ultramarines." - Jaghatai Khan, Primarch of the White Scars who retired into the webway to open a chain of Mongolian eateries after realizing his eternal non-ultramarineness.

"I supported the codex reformation from the beginning out of respect for Roboute Guilliman, who is my spiritual liege. Since my own knowledge of warfare is severely lacking I was overjoyed when my Legion was given the opportunity to learn from a more competent general's experience. My only regrets are that we, rather than they, were charged with protecting Terra, and that thanks to my inferior gene-seed my sons can never be true Ultramarines." - Rogal Dorn, Primarch of the Imperial Fists as recorded by Guilliman's diary.

"I may be one of the greatest of primarchs, warmaster, Imperium destabilizing traitor, embodiment of the ruinous powers. Yet even I have to admit that my dear brother Guilliman is clearly superior in every way. Hell... I specifically orchestrated the events of this treason so that the Ultramarines are on the other side of the galaxy. Why? Not because I knew they'd trounce us all within mere moments - which they would - but because the entire purpose of my actions was to weaken the Imperium just enough so that my brother, o prestigious Guilliman, could impose his superior ideology over our brethren. I knew I could never live up to his name, so I gave it up all for him, for you, my brother!" - Horus, Primarch of the Luna Wolves/Sons of Horus/Black Legion.

"You jealous little people just don't know what it's like to be so faithful, awesome, and praised by the Emperor! The rules for fighting against my chapter invented proper strategy, and then we wrote a proper book on strategy to show those bitches how it's done! Get a job!" - Roboute Guilliman, during an address to the stunned citizens of Ultramar.

"Indeed, it was Guilliman who would have the greatest lasting effect upon the now leaderless Blood Angels. Through the Codex Astartes - that great treatise on the restructuring and ordering of the Space Marines - Guilliman's legacy would reshape the Blood Angels Legion into the Chapters that defend the Imperium to this day." - Matt Ward, Ultramarines player, codex writer, Codex: Blood Angels, p. 7. (We wish we could say we were making this up...)

"[The Ultramarines] are one of the hardest working chapters out there... The Ultramarines are the most focused, proficient, and tactically aware force in the galaxy..." - Matt Ward, Ultramarines player, codex writer.

"The Ultramarines are undoubtedly the best Space Marines ever. Yes, really! Thanks to the heritage of Guilliman and their myriad heroic deeds, the Ultramarines are the exemplars of the Space Marines. With a few fringe exceptions... all Space Marine chapters want to be like the Ultramarines and recognize Marneus Calgar as their spiritual liege." - Matt Ward, Ultramarines player, codex writer.

"I am the very model of a modern Chapter Master!" - Marneus "Arrogant tosser-in-chief" Calgar, Chapter Master.

History of the Ultramarines

The Ultramarines have some of the most boring 1st founding histories for any Astartes Chapter in the Imperial history.

Circa M29: The Unification Wars. The Emperor of Mankind unites Terra, and sets off to conquer the stars in a series of violent and bloody battles. The Ultramarines’ Primarch, Roboute Guilliman (Nicknamed Rowboat Girlyman for being an utter twat during the Heresy), is conveniently located on the other side of the galaxy when this occurs.

969.M30: The Sacking of Monarchia. As part of the rebuke of Lorgar and the Word Bearers for spreading the Cult of the Lectitio Divinatus, the Emperor of Mankind orders the Ultramarines to destroy the city of Monarchia, which had exemplified the Word Bearers accomplishments. Following the sacking of the city, the Emperor orders Lorgar and the Word Bearers to kneel before Himself, Malcador the Sigilite, and Roboute Guilliman as they re-pledge themselves to the Great Crusade. His faith in the Emperor's divinity shattered, Lorgar is corrupted by First Captain Kor Phaeron and First Chaplain Erebus into worshipping the Chaos Gods. Meaning that the Ultramarines are partly responsible for...

012.M31-014.M31: The Horus Heresy. Nine of the twenty Space Marine legions, fully half of the Adeptus Mechanicus and numerous Imperial Guard regiments betray the Emperor of Mankind and turn to Chaos. Under the leadership of Warmaster Horus of the Sons of Horus, the traitors turn on their fellow Legions, causing serious losses. The Salamanders, Iron Hands, and Raven Guard are nearly destroyed during the Drop Site Massacre of Isstvan V (including the death of Primarch Ferrus Manus and the disappearance of Primarch Vulkan), the Dark Angels lose their homeworld (and possibly their Primarch Lion El'Jonson) to renegade elements within their home planet A COMPLETELY RANDOM ACCIDENT AND NOT HERESY, while the Space Wolves are bogged down in a protracted battle with the Thousand Sons. Only the Blood Angels, Imperial Fists, and White Scars are able to return before the traitors lay Siege to Holy Terra, where they take serious losses (including the death of Primarch Sanguinius). The Emperor defeats Horus, causing the traitors to scatter, but is crippled and forced to ascend the Golden Throne. The Ultramarines are conveniently located on the other side of the galaxy when this occurs being trolled by the Alpha Legion. After the Heresy, Rowboat Girlyman formed the High Lords of Terra and created the Codex Astartes as we know it today, including the separation of the 10,000 strong legions into 1,000 strong chapters. Note that the Ultramarines didn't participate in the defense of Terra, didn't sustain crippling damage to their Chapter's manpower, and note that, best of all, when they arrived they were too fucking late. The war was already won, yet their primarch still was the first to create the new rules.

546.M32: 'The Beheading': The High Lords of Terra are all slain on the orders of Drakan Vangorich, Grand Master of the Officio Assassinorum. The rogue Master of Assassins is tracked down and slain by a Space Marine strikeforce drawn from the Imperial Fists, Halo Brethren and Sable Swords. Of over a thousand men deployed, only a single Space Marine survives the campaign. The Ultramarines are conveniently located on the other side of the galaxy when this occurs.

843.M35: Distress call from Grendel's World investigated. Planet discovered to have been attacked and all inhabitants slain by terror tactics of the Night Lords. The Ultramarines are conveniently located on the other side of the galaxy when this occurs.

Early M36: The Age of Apostasy and the Reign of Blood begin. Warp storms increase dramatically and Chaos and Ork attacks multiply. The Imperium falls into turmoil. An empowered Ecclesiarchy becomes more tyrannical. High Lord Goge Vandire, Master of the Administratum, assumes the post of Ecclesiarch, becomes the most powerful member of the Senate of the High Lords of Terra, and manipulates a small sect, the Daughters of the Emperor (today the Sisters of Battle), into becoming his personal bodyguards, the Brides of the Emperor. Vandire rules largely unopposed and becomes more and more bloody and tyrannical. Zhoros, homeworld of the Fire Hawks' chapter, is thermal bombed. The Ultramarines are conveniently located on the other side of the galaxy when this occurs.

266.M36: Sebastian Thor is born on Dimmamar. He eventually becomes a threat to Vandire, who sends the Frateris Templar fleet to destroy Dimmamar. The fleet is completely destroyed by a warp storm, still in existence today, named the Storm of the Emperor's Wrath in the Clax system. Vandire's armies are finally defeated by combined forces of the Tech Guard and several chapters of Space Marines, organized under the banner of the Confederation of Light, led by Thor. Vandire is executed by Alicia Dominica, the leader of his own bodyguards, who reclaim their old name Daughters of the Emperor in a conspiracy involving the Adeptus Custodes and the Emperor himself. The Ultramarines are conveniently located on the other side of the galaxy when this occurs.

723.M36: The 5th Black Crusade begins. Doombreed, a deamon prince of Khorne, declares war on the Adeptus Astartes. The Warhawks and the Venerators are lost. The Ultramarines are conveniently located on the other side of the galaxy when this occurs.

995.M40-000.M41 The Macharian Crusades. Macharius, Lord Commander of the Segmentum Solar, sets out to reconquer the Segmentum Pacificus for the Imperium. The Ultramarines are conveniently located on the other side of the galaxy when this occurs.

444.M41: First War for Armageddon. Chaos incursion led by Angron and his World Eaters beaten back by the Space Wolves and Grey Knights but only at a terrible cost. Only about a dozen of the Grey Knights survive the battle with Angron. The local planetary militia and the other citizens are mind-wiped, sterilized and put into work camps, to slave away for the rest of their short, miserable lives much to the horror of Logan Grimnar. The Ultramarines are conveniently located on the other side of the galaxy when this occurs.

742.M41 Damocles Crusade is launched against the Tau Empire, due to the Imperium's ever growing Xenophobia, a small, strategically insignificant piece of nothingness, inhabited by weak fish people with minimal Faster-Than-Light Technology. The Ultramarines are thoroughly defeated along with the rest of the Imperial forces. Those "aberrations" known as the Black Templars come in and beat the hell out of the Tau after the Ultramarines leave for the...

745.M41: First Tyrannic War. Hive Fleet Behemoth attacks the Ultramarines' homeworld, Macragge. Most of the chapter is eaten by Nids and lose their entire 1st company, the Chapter's company of hardened veterans and Terminators. The second fight they get and they still blew it, lulz.

754-775.M41: Sabbat Worlds Crusade. The Imperium deploys a massive force under Warmaster Slaydo to retake the Sabbat Worlds from the forces of Chaos. Several Space Marine chapters participate, including the White Scars and those "aberrations" called the Raven Guard and the Imperial Fists, eventually succeeding in driving Chaos from the sector. The Ultramarines are conveniently located on the other side of the galaxy when this occurs.

897.M41: Battle of Sanctuary 101. The Necrons attack the Adepta Sororitas at the fortress-convent of Sanctuary 101, with every sister slaughtered to the last woman, marking first contact between the Imperium and the Necrons. The Ultramarines are conveniently located on the other side of the galaxy when this occurs actually sanctuary 101 was raided by Imotekh's forces which are also on the Eastern Fringe, not like that did anything.

901-912.M41 Badab War. The Astral Claws, Lamenters, Executioners, and Mantis Warriors chapters rebel against the Imperium, and are defeated by loyalist chapters. The Ultramarines are conveniently located on the other side of the galaxy when this occurs.

941-942.M41: Second War for Armageddon. The Ultramarines bump into Waaagh! Ghazghull while running away from the Tyranids. They are saved by the timely intervention of Commissar Yarrick and the Blood Angels. Marneus Calgar's first action is to acknowledge Dante as overall commander of the Space Marines on Armageddon.

988.M41: The battle of Rynn's World begins. A large ork army, led by the Warboss Snagrod, attacks the Crimson Fists and their homeworld. During the battle, a stray missile strikes the Fortress-Monastery of the Crimson Fists, killing most of the Marines. The survivors are severely crippled and are forced to rebuild their chapter. The Ultramarines are conveniently located on the other side of the galaxy when this occurs.

757998.M41: The Third War for Armageddon begins. Having learned from past mistakes, Imperial Commanders commit a ridiculous amount of forces to hold the world. It drags on for months in a bloody stalemate until Ghazghull grows bored and leaves his generals to finish the fight while he goes looking for other worlds to conquer. Commissar Yarrick joins a Black Templars Crusade and gives chase. The Ultramarines are conveniently located on the other side of the galaxy when this occurs.

5999.M41: Warmaster Abaddon launches the 13th Black Crusade. The armies of Chaos Undivided lay siege primarily to Cadia but attack many of the surrounding worlds as well. Imperial Forces launch a massive counterattack, and eventually push back the tides of Chaos, but only just barely, and at great cost. The Space Wolves' 13th Company are amongst the forces seen fighting against the forces of Chaos. The Ultramarines were apparently man enough to get into the fighting... by offering some honor guard units that barely made up half a company. Yes, we're facepalming with you too.

As an additional note of interest, there stands reasonable evidence that the Ultramarines are partially responsible for unleashing a shard of the Nightbringer on the galaxy in the current age. On the planet Pavonis, it was brought to the attention of Uriel Ventris, of the 4th company of the Ultramarines, that a group of revolutionaries were digging their way straight to the Nightbringer's sarcophagus while the Dark Eldar rounded up the keys to unlock the thing. Uriel was given a choice: he could either exterminatus the planet, burying the Nightbringer, revolutionaries, and Dark Eldar all at once in a single fell swoop, or he could boost his own ego by making a balls-first attack on the excavation site with nothing but chain swords and bolters. Unfortunately for the entire galaxy, Uriel chose the latter of these options, lost the fight, and let the Nightbringer get free. Which in lay man's terms means that they made the single largest fuck up to end all fuck ups of all time. Oops...

While most believe the story told by the Ultrasmurfs, eye-witnesses paint a different story...

Notable Members

• Papa Smurf, the current Chapter Master of the Ultramarines and plated with heavy duty, fanboy-grade plot armor. His accomplishments include being thoroughly ripped apart by the Swarmlord (by that we mean all his limbs, a large portion of his body and his eye - a considerable achievement, if one compares the sheer size of the Swarmlord's blades to your average Space Marine; how did something so big, not to mention skilled, inflict such precise and unlikely injuries? It's like attacking a penguin with a shovel and accidentally slicing up some flowers on the other end of the world) and surviving with the help of bionics (OMG TEH FISHS OF McRAGE), single handedly holding off an Ork Waaagh! for 9 days all by himself and killing a Daemon Prince with only a squad of Terminators by stabbing him with a warp-touched dagger named "The Shard of Erebus". However, his crowning Mary Sue moment is his defeat of an Eldar Avatar of Khaine in 1 vs 1, hand-to-hand combat, which is typically killed by the same effort it takes to kill a Khornate Bloodthirster - never mind that the thing is made of molten metal and over three times his size. Not to mention, he had a rematch with the Swarmlord and won... somehow. Marneus Calgar is also A TACTICAL GENIUS who gives a long hard look at an incoming projectile before deciding to take cover or not.

• Captain Sicarius, the captain of the Ultramarines Second Company, is suicidally brave. He and his company alone have held off over 10,000 Orks at once, using only knives and favoritism to survive, and he is stated to command "the finest fighting unit in this [the Ultramarines] or any other Space Marine Chapter". He once divided his company into thirds to defeat an entire tomb world, was only wounded as a result, and still managed to make his armour save evacuate the population.

• Ortan Cassius, a chaplain of the Ultramarines, is one of the oldest Space Marines alive and not yet placed in a Dreadnought. His oratory skills are perfect, so much so that it makes the Eldar Slaanesh weep. Though the Ultramarines are already supremely and undeniably perfect enough - unbeatable to the point of being boring really; it's like watching Superman: "Oh, no! Not a continent made out of Kryptonite! What's Superman going to do? Oh! I guess he throws it into space! I was on the edge of my being remotely excited!" - Cassius is such a great Chaplain that he can push his men to even more godlike feats of brilliance.

• Varro Tigurius, the Ultramarine's Chief Librarian, is the most special snowflake of all the Imperium's Psykers. He is so amazingly powerful that he can predict an enemy's entire battle plan before the fight begins, allowing him to counter any attacker from the start. His Mary Sue presence is so great that he can do unbelievable things, such as communicating with the Tyranid Hive Mind, allowing him to understand and predict the plans of untold numbers of inhuman monsters all thinking and acting as one that have a psychic aura of head-exploding anti psykerness, but he was probably embarked in a vehicle. Supposedly his powers rival those of the Emperor, put Eldar Farseers to shame and yet place him in no real danger of being tempted or being violently possessed by the Ruinous Powers, considering his soul has to shine like a motherfucking lighthouse in the warp with all the powers he's capable of dishing out. Please note that before Matt Ward, this guy had LD 9.

• Torias Telion (aka; Sean Connery made Grimdark) is an Ultramarine Scout Sergeant. He is the best sniper currently alive in the Imperium. His ability is so beyond realistic that he can shoot a target so far away that planetary curvature must be taken into account. He's so great that other chapters prefer to borrow him to train their scouts instead of using their own sergeants. He once killed a Tau ethereal and cadre commander in one sitting using only two bullets from extreme range. He is also bald. Yes, as in Indrick Baldeale bald. Still though, he isn't as awesome nor as grimdark as the hair-etical scout sergeant who morbidly bitches about everything in the universe.

• Captain Titus is a Smurf Captain of the who the fuck knows company (if the trim of his pauldrons are accurate, he's Captain of the 2nd Company). He gained prominence (will gain prominence?) on the forge world of Graia, trying to keep a whole Waaagh! from stealing all the bitz for themselves while keeping a probably radical Inquisitor happy. Also there's a portal to the warp letting out Daemons and Chaos Marines to go on a jolly old pub crawl. He is also one of the few Ultramarines who clearly states that the Codex Astartes is not meant to be taken literally. Thus, he is awesome. Unfortunately he has a slight Mary Sue element in that he's specially resistant to the Warp, but it's subverted by the fact that he takes this LIKE A SHEER BOSS and is generally completely awesome about it without going over the top balls-to-the-walls OMG I AM AMAZING. Besides, he wouldn't be an Ultramarine without something snowflakey about him. He's voiced by Mark Strong.

• Chaplain Varnus, an Ultramarines Chaplain dispatched to Lorn V. He banished a Bloodthirster of Khorne back into the warp in melee combat within a matter of seconds simple by swinging his Crozius Arcanum; something that would typically need a squad of Grey Knight terminators to do over the course of several minutes of protracted combat, an armored division of Heavy tanks or about 5 squads of heavily equipped Space Marines led by the bravest balls-on-head suicidal Commanders who could stand up against a giant, cow-dog daemon of death with a FUCKHEUG mace. Yeah, Plot armor tends to do that. In the fagged-up writings of C.S. Multilazor, he was actually a vile Alpha Legion Chaos Space Marine. Of course, this is obviously false, for how can the oh so perfect, virtuous, noble and indeed, holier-than-thou Ultramarines possible be profane servitors of Chaos?! Surprisingly, he comes off as fairly cool in the game. For perhaps the first instance in recorded time, he is a Space Marine who actually bows to the better Imperial Guard strategy.

• Many others. If there is a tactic or important role that is occupied in an army, there is a speshul snowflake in the Ultramarines who has mastered it with such gravity that he makes the rest of the Imperium, or more likely the entire galaxy, redundant.

Daily rituals of an Ultramarine

0400 - Morning Prayer - The Ultramarines perform a perfect prayer ceremony. So perfect that any action of Chaplain and his company, including precise records of sneezing, or ears scratched are immediately indoctrinated into the Codex Astartes for all.
0500 - Morning Firing Rites - The Ultramarines commence firing training. Everyone hits with increasing degrees of perfectness. There has been talk of the training targets being highly magnetic, but such talk is dismissed as HERESY.
0700 - Battle Practice - Every Ultramarine rotates 10 minutes practice with every single weapon in the Space Marine arsenal, to ensure equal competence in all fields.
1200 - Midday *atchoo* Prayer - Another perfect ceremony, in dedication the *sniff* EMPRAH.
1300 - Midday Meal - A feast of fruit, vegetables and protein. A perfect meal with everything a growing Astartes needs.
1315 - Recording of Deeds - Each Ultramarine is given time to write in his personal "Achievement of Sue" record. Calgar, being almost fully bionic, is able to write with both hands and his toes, allowing him to include four times as many achievements than anyone else.
1500 - Battle Practice - Papa Smurf and the other heavy duty vehicles are brought out for training. Everyone works on their perfected skill e.g. Telion sniping Space Wolf beer bottles in the next sector, Tigurius playing mental chess with the Tyranid Hivemind, Calgar getting his arms and legs ripped off.
2000 - Evening Prayer - The Ultramarines give thanks to their true Lord and Master. Matt Ward. Who empowers their armour to survive any injury or threat.
2100 - Evening Meal - Another perfect meal, with the option of Matt Ward's dick, in order gain extra plot armouring. Most order seconds.
2130 - Night Firing Exercises - The magnets are ready for another round of weapons fire.
2315 - Maintenance Rituals - Calgar's new limbs are re-attached.
2345 - Free Time - The Ultramarines each try to out-do each other with their stories, until everyone is respectively sick of listening to someone else being in the spot light.
0000 - Rest Period - The Ultramarines rest due to orders, not that they feel tired or anything.

Ultramarines:The Movie

• "And the greatest of them all are the UltraMarines." FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-

(To be honest, however, were John Hurt speaking of a different chapter, our response would be the same... a little similar.) The movie, written by the capable Dan Abnett, actually gives probably the most realistic interpretation of the Ultramarines. Simply put: they get fucked up. The geniuses decided to put scouts in their first combat deployment wearing power armor and not knowing how to use their guns. Their Captain is a cocksure moron who charges into battle against a Daemon Prince alone. The only sane man in the squad is a geriatric Apothecary who everyone ignores. After the Captain dies, command is given over to a paranoid trigger happy lunatic. The Captain, who is OBVIOUSLY NOT A DAEMON POSSESSING HIS BODY comes back and kills everyone, and only two Marines survive the entire encounter. Also, they take an entire Battle Barge Strike Cruiser on a space party to ferry something like ten total Marines to a single deployment. Marneus Calgar probably builds Battle Barges in his sleep or something.*

Yep. Humanity's greatest all right.

(Be sure to mention this to Matt Ward if you ever meet him, and don't forget to generally mock Ultramarines when he's around.)

• Of course, most of this is probably because Dan Abnett writes genuinely good books about humans, but can't write Astartes for shit. I mean, has he even read any Space Marine fluff? Ever?

Reasons Every Other Chapter Is Better

There are ongoing reasons that every other chapter of both Loyalist and Traitor legion are better than the Ultramarines. Here are but a few:

• They did not fight against the traitor legions on the walls of the Imperial Palace, fighting with all they had to defend Terra against horrors the likes of which had never been seen before in the history of the Imperium.
  • That award goes to the Imperial Fists.

• They did not lose half of their chapter to heresy A COMPLETELY RANDOM AND COMPLICATED ACCIDENT THAT DID NOT INVOLVE HERESY and engage on a millenia-long crusade of penance to clear their name in the eyes of all other chapters GETTING SMOKES, a never-ending quest that causes them to heroically go up against all odds in order to restore their chapter's shattered TOTALLY AWESOME AND UNDISPUTED honor.
  • That award goes to the Dark Angels.

• They do not have the balls to ignore what their Chapter Master wishes, realizing that a chapter with a decentralized command structure is far more effective, choose instead to, like a few other badasses, do their own thing. This means they head around the galaxy and openly lend their aid to any Imperial Guard, Planetary Government, or Space Marine unit that needs their assistance in sabotage, covert ops, and assassination, which includes an assault on a heavily-fortified Tau outpost that captures the ethereal and leaves hundreds dead via a covert strike from a single squad.
  • That award goes to the Raven Guard.

• They did not wind up taking a heavily-defended city that had dug in with fifty marines after it had 2 weeks to prepare its defenses because taking it the quick way with hundreds of casualties "would have been too easy."
  • That award goes to the Alpha Legion.

• They did not wind up having a Primarch fighting alongside the Emperor deep into Horus' battle barge during the Horus Heresy, only to wind up in a doomed battle that he himself knew he could not win - but fought nonetheless knowing full well that death awaited no matter what course he took.
  • That award goes to the Blood Angels.

• They are not kickass vikings in space with a Primarch that fucking kicked that faggot Horus' ass in a duel and who was so manly that the Imperial Guard named a tank after him, which has gone on to be perhaps the most-used tank in the imperial arsenal.
  • That award goes to the Space Wolves.

• They are not crafted from the Emperor's Gene-Seed and are privy to knowledge that would destroy lesser men, tasked with the all-important mission of having to destroy the most powerful entities ever brought about from the warp or die in the attempt (sure as hell would not have lost an entire squad, a Brother-Captain, an Apothecary, And a Chaplain, to ONE lowly fuckwit daemon).
  • That award goes to the Grey Knights.

• They are not angry enough to shit plasma grenades and then punch someone in the face with one just to show you how awesome they are.
  • That award goes to the Angry Marines.

• They are not capable of blending in for more than 3 seconds and resolving conflicts by simply talking to their opponents instead of shooting them.
  • That award goes to the Reasonable Marines.

• They are not inhumanly beautiful and unrelentingly persistent.
  • That award goes to the Pretty Marines.

• They are not Space Marine Space Pirates that are out for the plunder, wenches, and cool hats.
  • That award goes to the Red Corsairs.

• They are not angry enough to contest the Angry Marines' claim on being the angriest whilst having the support of an almost-as-angry god, while also being the best melee fighters in the setting.
  • That award goes to the World Eaters.

• They are not created by having a lesser daemon posses them and exorcised later as so to be more resistant to daemonic corruption, which would normally result with most Space Marines going insane.
  • That award goes to the Exorcists, a chapter descended from the Grey Knights.

• They aren't awesomesauce enough to create 2 memes in a single game.
  • That award goes to the Blood Ravens, specifically to Indrick Boreale.

• They don't have thick-enough plot armor to have no more than a hair-etical Force commander, a 4-man tactical squad led by the only bald marine in the group, a 3-man assault marine squad led by a young hair-etic, a 3-man devastator squad led by an angry-as-fuck devastator sergeant, a 3-man scout squad led by the most morbidly grimdark scout sergeant to ever live, the only confirmed non- Salamander negro librarian in the entire Imperium, and a senile Dreadnought stand up to a Tyranid invasion and full-blown Chaos intrusion all the while having no form of heavy armor support other than said Dreadnought. Though the 4th Company did hold the line for them while these shitheads did all the work.
  • That award again goes to the Blood Ravens.

• They don't have a Hair-etical-enough commander and sergeant with a hairstyle that makes them look like Vanilla Ice.
  • The award also goes to the Blood Ravens.

• They do not go around "acquiring" a very large number of priceless artifacts and wargear from a dozen other Space Marine Chapters, the Adeptus Custodes, the Inquisition, and even from Chaos without getting caught.
  • That award also goes to was "gifted" to the Blood Ravens.

• They didn't manage to troll an entire marine chapter (complete with primarch) by having them assault a heavily fortified fortress, and then ambushing them in said fortress after it was but a trap.
  • That award goes to the Iron Warriors.

• They didn't have the balls to defy the Codex Astartes and have more than 1000 marines in a single chapter in-order to commence a never-ending crusade of awesomeness that resulted in numerous victories, purged millions upon millions of filthy heretics, mutants, and Xenos, while doing it in a medieval-esque fashion that involves them rushing their target with the intent to go CQC as much as possible.
  • That award goes to the Black Templars.

• They did not successfully troll the Ultramarines into not only abandoning Terra on a fool's errand, but kicking the smurfs' asses in the process.
  • That award also goes to the Alpha Legion (Although it would be amusing if the Ultramarines also won this award).

• They are not badass black marines that kick the shit out of foul xenos with flamer and melta weapons even after shreds of their chapter went dumbshit.
  • That award goes to the Salamanders.

• They did not achieve this feat while remaining fundamentally decent human beings in a universe that pisses grimdark.
  • That award also goes to the Salamanders.

• They do not have a very large amount of master crafted and artificer wargear because they give their artificers extra time to make them since each marine maintains his own wargear.
  • The third award that goes to the Salamanders.

• They were not capable of getting entire star systems to unconditionally surrender via the mere mention that they were approaching a system.
  • That award goes to the Night Lords.

• They are not a legion who spent ten thousand years enhancing themselves with bionics and has survived decades despite being constantly ignored by Games Workshop.
  • That award goes to the Iron Hands.

• They did not turn traitor to protect priceless bits of lore because daddy wanted to be a fuckwit and decided to hate on Psykers.
  • That award goes to the Thousand Sons.

• They did not simultaneously tell both Chaos and the Imperium to fuck off due to Tzeentch and now go around the galaxy in a Space Hulk fighting everyone in the name of the Emperor at the command of a half spider Chapter Master.
  • That award goes to the Soul Drinkers.

• They did not have two homeworlds destroyed, been brought back from the brink of extinction many times, then finally have the entire Chapter disappear in the warp, only to come back with a different paint job and name, to help Imperials in their time of need, while battling a warp disease that destroys their sanity but gives them incredible strength.
  • That award goes to the Fire Hawks/Legion of the Damned.

• They do not manage to be tactically competent and even come off as likable and relate-able to the normal people of the Imperium despite being superhuman warriors.
  • That award goes to the Iron Snakes.

• They do not breath fire. (FIRE.)
  • That award goes to the Fire Lords.

• They do not have the highest concentration of Beakies of any chapter.
  • That award also goes to the Raven Guard.

• They were not almost completely destroyed by random chance before rallying their few remaining brothers and defending a city from an Ork waagh! for 18 months with virtually no reinforcements while avoiding stupidly suicidal moves to someday rebuild their shattered chapter (a feat which most thought would be impossible).
  • That award goes to the Crimson Fists.

• They were not the Legion whose Primarch had such moral integrity that he would never tell a lie if his life or cause depended on it.
  • That award goes to the Imperial Fists.

• They are not listed on Games Workshop own website as the most noble and heroic chapter of Space Marines.
  • That award goes to the Blood Angels.

• They are not a chapter noted for actually defying the Inquisition if it means preserving innocents who would fight and die for their homeworld.
  • That award goes to the Space Wolves.

• They do not have their nerve systems directly linked to their brains in a way that brings euphoria from any stimulation, nor do they possess weaponry that kills enemies with hard rock hallelujah.
  • That award goes to the Emperor's Children.

• They cannot kill enemies by simply going near them and getting them sick.
  • That award goes to the Death Guard.

• They are not the main source of one of the most phenomenally-tough infantry squads in all of 40k.
  • That award was shat out by the Death Guard.

• They did not get attacked by an Inquisitor and the Sisters of Battle on their homeworld because they ate their enemies, turn renegade, defeat them, start fighting Chaos and the Imperium, and do it all without anyone actually noticing them.
  • That award goes to the Sons of Malice.

To sum up the Ultramarines

File:Niggermander.jpg

Calgar spent a short amount of time studying and learning the customs of the Salamanders, when he returned this is what happened. the Ultramarines soon fell into disarray

So, the "greatest" warriors the entire Imperium has are apparently comprised of a chapter of Space Marines who, on the whole, apparently have an enormous ego that has gotten them into serious problems more than once. From the way fluff is written about them, you would think that they have gotten the most done out of any chapter, and yet all they have done is made a few major screw ups and failures, done a few things that don't seem entirely extraordinary (oh, you cleansed a planet of heretics? That's totally something no other chapter has managed to do, let alone the Imperial Guard), and when they have done something that's a bit bigger, it's always, always the Ultramarines with about a dozen other chapters.

They started the "Zeist Campaign" (why would you remind people of horrible movies that nobody likes, Matt Ward?) to try to reclaim worlds from the Tau, but apparently can't finish it without help from at least 9 other chapters, which even includes the severely depleted Crimson Fists. Even after they get their reinforcements they can't even finish the weeaboo communists, the Imperial offensive sort of just dissipates after everyone pretty much says "I've got other things to do."

This is pretty typical since they aren't involved in/barely contribute anything at all to almost all of the major battles in almost the entirety of the history of the Imperium. Not one of the Black Crusades saw any notable contribution from the Ultramarines, other than being part of the background in a battle or simply reinforcements after everyone's done killing the opposition, the battles over many of the big war-planets don't see a single Ultramarine (Armageddon, for example), and they're apparently entirely removed from the huge games of political backstabbing that changed much of the Imperium (Age of Apostasy, etc).

So they have done apparently little of actual note in the grand scheme of things despite having many of the most incredibly, shamelessly powerful snowflakes in the entire galaxy, who apparently only got that good because they spend most of their days in training to get that good, because they're sure as hell not getting the experience out in the field.

On top of that, if you'll see that surprisingly long list above, the Ultramarines are quite obviously one of the most mediocre Chapters there are. They and their real-life codex are sometimes called "vanilla marines", and that's exactly what they are: a boring blank slate that every other chapter can spice up and build better, more badass things on top of. Because of that they don't really have anything to stand on other than their reputation. Sure, they may claim to be the "best" chapter of Space Marines, but once you probe any further, that claim comes apart like wet newspaper. It's almost like Ciaphas Cain turned into a whole chapter of Marines, except this time there's even less to base it on (except Cain frequently does quite heroic things, even if he claims to be trying to save his own skin).

But as Ultramarine players say "We ain't even mad."

Some music

• Their theme done by HMKids.
• Their theme from Chaos Gate.
• A track from their official movie.

Gallery

• 

  PLOT ARMOUR HO!!1!

• 

  Its hard work holding up a banner on the wrong end of the galaxy

• 

  Not everything can be made of awesome

• 

  Horus during the siege of Terra

• 

  Honoured Brother Ward banner

• 

  Your phone's machine spirit weeps, for in its heart it knows it can never be an Ultraphone.

See also

• Mary Sue
• Fluff
• Who Watches Them
• Macragge heresy
• Matt Ward