Commissar Yarrick
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"Humies is all weak scum that deserve ta get stomped. 'Cept for One-Eye Yarrick. He knows how ter fight."
"Alas, poor Yarrick. I knew him, Horatio."
- – The unusually eloquent Greenskin Hamlutt when thinking about his time on Armageddon
"The fallen shall always be remembered as the Emperor's finest."
- – Imperial guard players after the new codex was released
Sebastian Yarrick is was one of the most badass commissars ever to threaten inspire the Imperial Guard.
He's probably dead now, RIP.
The Man, The Myth, The Legend[edit]
After his parents suddenly died, a young Sebastian was sent away from his comfortable life as the son of merchants to live with his only living relative ; his grandfather, who had once served in the Guard. His grandfather then ended up paying local bullies to beat the shit of a young Sebastian until his grandson finally asked for lessons on how to toughen up and survive. Sebastian learned quickly, and continued to learn even after the ruse had been blown. It's from here that his determination came to the fore.
He wasn't even into his teens when orks invaded his homeworld. His grandfather quickly went off to fight and Sebastian never saw him again. He then spent a large amount of time putting his lessons to good use, evading the orks and even freeing some people who the orks were keeping around for food. After being found by a guard contingent, he attracted the attention of the attached commissar who then had him sent to the Schola Progenium. It was also at this point that he took on his Grandfather's surname, Yarrick.
At that time he was on track to become an Imperial Guard Stormtrooper. He served in this role for several years after graduation, but eventually transferred to the Commissariat. He apprenticed under the respectable Lord Commissar Rasp, becoming a full Commissar and having a long and distinguished career before retiring to Armageddon. Yarrick's first name is also Sebastian, possibly inspired by the crab in the little mermaid in reference to his huge claw.
He became an Imperium-wide household name there, coming out of retirement to kick the teeth out of Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka's WAAAAAGH. Ghazghkull thinks he's the bestest humie evar. He also has a laser eye, a la Superman, and an ECKSBAWKS HUEG power klaw.
Are we gonna talk about how he wields a storm bolter one-handed when the only ones who can do that are superhumans clad in Terminator armor? Hell no. Why? Because EXBOXHUEG Powerklaw, that's why. Also, because Yarrick has only one hand is such a bad ass that he never needs to reload, or has someone else reload his gun for him.
He got his fuckhuge powerklaw from an equally fuckhuge Ork who wanted Yarrick to bend over while something horrible was done to said commissar, but Yarrick proceeded to say "FUCK YOU FILTHY XENO SCUM!!!" and kicked the Ork in the teeth with his Commissar-legs. He also had his arm chopped off in that fight but no one really cares because he stole the Ork's arm with a free fuckhuge power klaw attached. He then gave himself the satisfaction of passing out LIKE A BOSS!!
The man is not only legend among men, but Orks as well; should Yarrick manage to finally kill Ghazgkhull, its only a matter of time before Orks start worshiping him, or at least naming him Gork and Mork's favored, and da baddest Warboss ever. Considering he can actually use his powerklaw and Ork arm functionally means they consider him, at the very least, to be quite downright Orky and all. And as we all know, what Orks believe, becomes true. He also speaks Ork. Yeah. It's not that hard. I mean, it's mostly just angry howls with the odd blow to the head for emphasis. It should be mentioned that since Ork teck is faith-powered, this makes Yarrick the ULTIMATE believer in his own abilities. Well, belief is belief after all.
Yarrick got his laser eye when he heard that the Orks thought he had the gaze of death, and could kill an ork with a look. Yarrick decided that if the orks thought he could kill with a look, then he was damn well going to be able to. Once again, what Orks believe, becomes true.
He also never dies, because of Iron Will DYING IS FOR PUSSIES AND HERETICS!!! It doesn't hurt that the Orks believe he can't die, so he really can't.
He is an absolute monster of a combatant and can easily hand virtually any Spehss Mehreen his ass on a ceramite platter in combat (unless they have an invulnerable save....seriously the stats for Old man Yarrick are bullshit). Not even genetic enhancements and power armor are a match for an ECKSBAWKS HUEG power klaw and fucking Superman-style laser vision when paired with the standard issue balls of steel that every person in the Imperial Guard comes with MARS PATTERN ADAMANTIUM TESTICLES. He even fucking made a Spehss Mehreen shut up with a single stare at him for yelling during Yarrick's speech in Armageddon third war.
Yarrick is currently chasing after Ghazghkull along with High Marshall Helbrecht at the head of a Black Templar crusade in the most amazing road trip ever.
He also has HIS OWN PERSONAL BANEBLADE called the Fortress of Arrogance, however it can only be taken in apoc.
7th edition made Yarrick.....strange. He lost his fearless, though it got replace by a warlord trait, didn't gain Stubborn every fucking other Comissar gets and he gained summary execution despite the fact that his presence on the battlefield caused no soldier to run away. So yeah, unless Yarrick is in charge, Yarrick would rather run away than lead by example and fight say "I'm too old for this shit", and wander off to sit on the porch like the grouchy old-ass retiree he technically is. WTF GW....WTF. He also had the stupid Chain of Command SR, meaning by default a Company Commander must be the Warlord, not him.
8th edition returned Yarrick to awesomeness. He's dropped the stupid Chain of Command rule, and replaced Preferred Enemy: Orks with a universal re-roll 1s to hit for all squads within 6" of him (this becomes re-roll all misses when fighting units with the Ork keyword). He can still execute Guardsmen from squads within 6" of him treat this as Guardsmen themselves clubbing the only coward trying to run with the Old Man nearby to death with butts of lasrifles, and he gives all Astra Militarum squads within 6" his awesome leadership of 9.
Commissar Yarrick's morning routine[edit]
I: Get outta bed made of dead Orks.
II: Brush teeth with Ork blood.
III: Make Tea with a splash of Urine from all the Orks that pissed themselves.
IV: Put on medal-covered uniform. (only the ones made of dead Orks, otherwise there won't be enough space to wear them all)
V: Think about killing Orks on the way to work.
VI-XXIII: Kill Orks.
Possible Tzeentch Meddling[edit]
In the book Imperial Creed, we get a possible explanation as to why Yarrick cannot fall. During his first deployment as a commissar, Yarrick had to deal with a chaos cult. Specifically a Tzeentch one. At the end of the conflict, Yarrick is grabbed by a daemon. Although Yarrick held his faith and broke free, one has to wonder if this event changed Yarrick. Maybe, maybe not. Then again, Tzeentch is a dick.
Further evidence of Tzeentchian meddling is brought to light during the concluding chapter of Pyres of Armageddon; as Yarrick fights the Ork Warboss Ugulhard, he feels the presence of the demon that he had fought on Mistral having some influence over the chain of events that led to Yarrick's defence of Hades Hive. What this daemon has planned, if it has anything planned period, for Yarrick has yet to be seen, although it's probably going to involve fighting Ghazghkull. Spooky stuff, eh?
YOU KAY-OSS GITS GOT IT ALL WRONG! YARRICK IS DA BEST 'UMIE EVAH, SO WE ORKS IZ USIN DA WAAAAAGH TO MAKE SURE HE STICKS AROUND SO WE'ZE CAN HAVE A ROIGHT PROPA SCRAP!!
Honours[edit]
This man is basically an angry marine. If we listed all his awards, we'd need another page. However, at this point, he's probably worthy of a Star of Terra.
OIH GHAZGHKULL ERE TA METION DAT E' GOT DA AWARD FROM ME OV BEING DA BEST UUMIE TA FIGHT IN DA GALAXIE.
Death(?)[edit]
Youz wer gud boy, real gud. Maybe eev'n da best...
'E WOZ DA ORKIEST AN' FIGHTIEST 'UMIE IN DA GALAXIE!
GW, keeping to its tradition of fucking over the Guard, has killed Yarrick off in the new codex. And not even in a cool way, like having him die to Ghaz or dying in bed with a belly full of wine and an Ork's mouth around his cock, but gets unceremoniously killed off with a single lore excerpt from the newest codex. Expect the actual story to be sold in some overpriced Warzone book.
And now GW has addressed the rumours regarding Yarrick in typical GW fashion by saying everything else but the actual answer. “Well, The Imperium Lies (and also keeps listing people as KIA). In the meantime, why don’t you play Karen Creed instead?” It seems that for now, Yarrick is officially "dead" until GW's Greed prompts them to release a new model (though unlikely since as of January 10th 2023 they announced his 2 old models would be turned made-to-order, satiating the beast for now), hopefully with new Armageddon guardsmen, too.
At least he lived long enough to be Animated.
Rumour says he actually got killed by Angron him-fucking-self and his death is going to be setup for Ghazzy to give a legendary whooping to the returning Daemon Primarch for stealing his kill. IF he even did it, I mean why wouldn't Angron have taken an imperial hero's skull...? Ghaz needs a new plaything regardless, may as well see if a good spanking can make those ass cheeks any redder.
Gallery[edit]
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Comissar Yarrick's model.
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HERESY
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Come on GeeDubs. Stop teasing us.
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Rest in piece Ol' Bale Eye...
External Links[edit]
| Famous members of the Imperial Guard | |
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| Commissars: | |
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| Enlisted Guardsmen: | |