Emperor's To-Do List

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The Emperor's list of Things to do after Resurrection

The God-Emperor of Mankind has been taking a bit of a breather lately, but don't think that he has stopped caring and looking after humanity. As a matter of fact, the Adeptus Custodes happen to have scribbled down this reassuring list of things that the Emperor intends to do once he's finished taking a little nap, scratched his non-existent nose and taken a bath.

Rules for new entries

1: Learn to spell. This is the Emperor's Sacred To-Do List, not the toilet paper roll of an illiterate five year old.

2: Keep crossovers to a minimum, especially dumb ones. Before you make it, ask yourself "can it be funny without referencing non-Warhammer stuff?" If the answer is yes, don't make the reference.

3: Read through the damn list before repeating the same damn thing over again, because having five entries, all asking for the same thing is stupid. Have you read it? Read it again!

4: Learn to be funny and not painfully annoying, jokes are fine, bad jokes are not. Before you show us your wit, tell it to some friends and see if they laugh. If you don't have friends, tell it to your pet. If your pet is an iguana and therefore cannot talk, talk to the voices in your head and try to make them laugh.

5: Avoid excessive strike-throughs and blamming, as it makes it hard for all of us to read.

6: Anyone who declares a state of anarchy or refers to this article as a "thread", will be shot, dragged out behind the barnyard, beaten severely, run over with a Baneblade, then shot again. The body will then be burned to ensure no taint remains.

7: If you can't make jokes, then put some effort to make an insightful or interesting submission. Think about what the God-Emperor would actually do when he wakes up to the sight of a regressing civilization.

8: Don't edit these rules.

9: Don't add more rules.

The Holy List (in no particular order)

"Your faith in The Emperor shall assuredly be rewarded."

The thing is that the Emperor of Mankind would be really pissed off upon returning his consciousness to his body and finding out what happened to his Imperium during his 10,000-year-long absence/slumber upon the Golden Throne. In his absence, the idiots running the Imperium have become even more corrupt, the Imperial Truth has been forgotten by everyone, some retards have got everyone worshipping me, some maniacs are so fucked up they are just killing anyone useful, and the general state of affairs is through and through GRIMDARK. This list describes the immediate "improvements" the Emperor of Mankind would install, steps towards a more noblebright galaxy. The list has also seen some additions made by the Adeptus Custodes and the Commissars of the Imperial Guard.

Scratch my nose.
Take a bath.
Scratch my everything.
Eat breakfast.
Find my ballpoint pen.
Punch Lorgar in the face.
1. Then punch everyone else in the face.
Roll around on the floor.
Scream really loud.
Get some tacos.
Kill every single one of the Marines Malevolent. Because they deserve it.
Look at this list and reorganize. Some items on the list are more important than others.
1. Not enough dakka
Become CEO and majority shareholder of Games Workshop.
1. Execute and then replace its upper level employees and management.
2. Don't be so picky with video game companies and start trying to work with developers who can get Warhammer's name some noteriety as a respectable franchise and not something whose liscenced games are B-grade.
Recognize /tg/ for its greatness.
Clone Creed ~~and make him commander of everything~~-Scratch that, resurrect LORD SOLAR MACHARIUS, make him commander of everything, and make Creed his second-in-command... of everything. Also, make the both of them into Primarchs for good measure
Find Dorn, and spank his ass until it is so red Magnus looks normal in comparison because his spiky Iron Halo popped my eye.
Hand his so-called 'Imperial Guards' over to the Angry Marines
1. Then hand his entire military over the Angry Marines to use to decorate every chain sword in the galaxy with their guts
Build a new Death Star, I want a Death Star, dammit!
1. Scratch that, Get Titan Converted into a new Starkiller base. Fuck, The Grey Knights would be good enough, but keep it away from the rest of the Inquisition
2. Actually, create something even bigger, just because I can.
3. Important note: Stick a void shield on the thing!
4. Very Important Note Make sure it can't be blown up by a few lucky idiots doing a single thing somewhere important.
  1. ''Extremely Important Note'' Make sure you plan to declare a crusade on Eldar Craftworlds(not Exodites, waste of resources) to make sure they don't stop you from building it.
Take a shower, I smell worse than a Plague Marine at this point.
Brush my teeth, because at this point, my halitosis could probably qualify for Exterminatus.
Fix my fucked up face.
Find Magnus, and spank him until his buttocks are in the infrared spectrum for ruining everything.
Create Catgirls.
1. Kill anyone who asks why, as they are too stupid to live.
2. Destroy the gene manipulation records as to not enable anyone to make Chakats.
3. Never mind, turns out Felinids are already a thing. Saves me the trouble.
4. Give Felinids "sanctioned" status so no one can fuck with them.
Retry building the Golden Throne so that this time I can access the Webway.
1. But this time actually share it with other people and test it somewhere else off of Holy Terra.
Add more bling to my palace, even more bling to my throne and go bling crazy on a new suit of armour.
Drive around the M25 in a car so fast I dig a trench around London by friction
Table an Eldar player by turn 2 in an equal points game (it's possible, I've just done it!!!(bitches))
Recruit black guardsmen/bolter bitches.
Eat something other than psykers babies, seriously I need to eat more carbohydrates.
1. And some protein, so I can get even more ripped. I know no-one can see my muscles, but they need to be there.
2. Don't forget your vitamins too, Dear.
Eat a live Carnifex without the aid of sauces.
Eat another live Carnifex with the aid of sauces.
Turn yet another Carnifex into sauce, while living, and use that as a sauce for the last live Carnifex.
Discover a way to cook Tyranids so they taste like buttered lobsters or fried bacon. That way, Imperial Guardsmen will not only be cheered up by the prospect of a good meal at the end of a battle, but they would also appreciate the irony of galaxy-eaters suddenly becoming tasty grub. Hiveships, once dreaded, would become flying hors d'oeuvres platters.
Wash the Carnifex meal down with a glass of soda and Amasec.
Further expand the Warhammer 40K storyline without the interference of Games Workshop.
Teach the Imperial Guard generals some actual tactics other than "Hey-Diddle-Diddle-Straight-Up-The-Middle."
Tell the Adeptus Mechanicus to stop keeping secrets and actually try to advance technology so we don't have to rely on whatever scraps from the Dark Age of Technology we have left. Threaten to Exterminatus Mars if they don't.
1. Shit a brick when I remember who makes those Exterminatus ships work in the first place.
Replace the Imperial Guardsmen Lasguns with something that can actually do shit. Probably some Pulse Rifles or Gauss Flayers.
Get a Militarum codex for all the Segmenta and make Militarum Solar entirely from Adeptus Custodes in Necrodermis.
Make up with Matthew Ward as he isn't that bad.
1. GeeDubs still made shit in his absence.
Kick that Star Wars Emperor's arse.
1. Proceed to reverse engineer their lasers and proceed to make Lasguns better.
2. Hang out with Darth Vader.
Gather every Guardsman, Astartes, Inquisition operative, Sororita, Commissar... hell, everyone in the Imperium of Man, give them weapons, have them surround the Eye of Terror and then let the Greatest of all Holy shitstorms ensue.
1. Optional: Proceed to create Black Hole Producing weaponry and launch a ton at the Eye of Terror.
On that note, find a way to bring Kaldor Draigo from the warp. I need him because he Makes it Happen.
1. Fuck Kaldor Draigo, he's insane(yet funny). Find someone just as awesome as me to get some shit done...Doomguy.
2. Or perhaps this Doom Slayer man, I heard he took down a demonic god.
Outangry Angron, outsex Fulgrim, outfortify Perturabo, outwit Magnus, outspeed Khan, outpreach Lorgar, outdrink Russ, outendurance Mortarion and outforge Vulkan.
Personally execute Fulgrim, Perturabo, Angron and the rest of the traitor Primarchs.. after the Inquisition has given them a proper torturing. Except Fulgrim. No torture for him will be torture enough.
1. May I suggest simply bringing them back into your fold my lord? Primarchs are rather expensive.
  1. Fine: send Fulgrim to rehab, lock Mortarion in the Imperial bathroom, get Magnus a gym membership, send Angron to group anger management classes, tell Perturabo he builds the best sand castles, inform Omegon where Waldo is and teach Lorgar what self esteem is so he can worship himself for once.
Beat Khorne in an arm wrestling match, thus avenging my prior defeat at his hands, then rip his arm off and beat him to death with it.
Show Slaanesh my dick and watch his/hers/its sweet tears of envy. If Slaanesh doesn't cry, just dickslap the bitch into Khorne's arms and eat popcorn while hilarity ensues.
Hug Papa Nurgle and remain pure.
Get Isha out of Nurgle's clutches, then watch as every Eldar wych freaks out, incidentally causing the Eye of Terror to blink. Just as Planned.
Seduce Isha, just to prove that I can, and watch as Nurgle gets pissed off.
Fuck Isha so hard that every Eldar is gonna feel their asses sore. Also make sure to livestream it!
Give Nurgle a bath, with holy water made by distilling the blood of 1,000,000,000,000 saints.
Make Nurgle feel gut-wrenching sadness so bad his cultists won't be so unnaturally happy.
Run before plagues eat Nurgle alive for not being diseased enough, spontaneously combusting with the power of 10 of my Legendary Power Swords.
Devise a scheme so elaborate and complex that I'll be the one to say "Just as planned" to Tzeentch.
1. Makes sure it better than what Creed could come up with.
Then do the same thing to Commander Puretide.
And then do the same to Imotekh the Stormlord.
And then do the same to Eldrad.
Then get Creed, Imotekh, Puretide, Eldrad, Aetaos'Rau'Keres, The Swarmlord and Kairos instated as the new Eggheads.
Outdick Eldrad. Then screw both of his daughters in front of him. Again. At the same time.
1. Go back in time and get Eldrad to have more daughters, so that I can have an orgy in front of him.
  1. While your at it, create a Time Travel Paradox Nuke to destroy the universe for leverage over Chaos and everyone else. Just as Planned.
2. Apologize to Taldeer by officiating at her wedding with LIIVI (and make that canon!)
Go back in time (multiversal travel required too) and tell the dumb fuck at Games Workshop Matthew Ward who fucked up the 5th Edition of Codex Astartes that "He's doing it wrong," the dude to made the Imperial Guard better that "He's doing it right,"(Tomb kings and Tyranids disagree), then go to the guy who decided to give the Guard flashlights and take him to the Inquisition to be properly tortured.
~~Make a Total War version of Warhammer~~ Done. Make a Total War version of Warhammer 40k.
Permit Space Marines and Sisters of Battle to date. Well, the Astartes call themselves my Sons, and the Sororitas say they're my Daughters... maybe this plan is a wee bit awkward? But I want grandkids, and the last time I was a dad, my son Horus went and ruined Christmas for everybody.
Be a better father to the rest of my sons, as not to spark another shitstorm that will inevitably cripple me for another few millennia.
Go on a deer-hunting trip with some Vindicare and bag more kills than him using MY KICKASS FLAY-WITH-MY-MIND POWERS!!!
Overshadow an Eversor Assassin during his dynamic entry.
Deceive a Callidus Assassin with disguises and trick her into having a romantic relationship with me.
Outbrood a Culexus Assassin and still remain awesome.
Deceive the C'tan false GabeN "The Deceiver" by tricking him into giving over control of the Necrons to me.
Find the C'tan called "The Outsider" and rehabilitate him. If not possible, kick him into a Black Hole.
Find out what if anything is chasing the Tyranids and see if they're friendly. If not: Launch the prototype promethium planetary bombardment torpedo.
Once again outdick Eldrad in the game of his choice, forcing him to ragequit.
Beat a Lord of Change Greater Daemon in a game of Chess with only 5 moves.
Then beat it in 4
Make a better emergency life support system as a safeguard if things for some reason go south. By that I mean make some kinda Emperor Dreadnought or some shit like that so I can still do my job instead of all this being a decaying corpse on some tricked out toilet worshiped by the entire population... did I mention how much this sucks? I heard that an old fart by the name of Karamazov has a dreadnought as a chair...
~~Personally get that dreadnought back-up plan started~~ Better idea, make myself a fucking Imperator Titan as my Dreadnought backup plan
1. Actually, fuck that, build a Dreadnought that goes in an Imperator Titan.
2. fuck it, have the cog-faced boys over at mars make me an even bigger titan and then throw the imperial palace on its back
Outright skullfuck Slaanesh for making something so good be so wrong and heretical.
Eliminate masturbation across the Imperium and in its place have sanctioned sex workers as part of the socialized medical program(no, I think I had it right before) so nobody will be stuck comforting themselves alone ever again.
Go outdick Eldrad one last time. Then put all the Eldar he saved when he got the Orks to invade Armageddon in a life threatening situation.
1. Let Eldrad try and save them.
2. Laugh as he fails.
3. Save them so I get to be the bigger man.
4. Make a note of where they all are so next time Eldrad pisses me off I can kill them without wasting too much time.
Send search parties throughout the Empire to find that awesome excuse for a Space Viking, Leman Russ, and if he's found alive, hand his ass to him like I did before I got stuck on this throne.
Prove the existence of the Alpha Legion.
Get those two exiled legions back again, they've blasted enough Tyranids in other galaxies by now!
Give Alpharius and Omegon a hug for staying secretly loyal and fighting Chaos from within for ten thousand years, then ground them for a decade for all the damage they did in the process
Invent a more reliable warp drive in order to...
Expand the Imperium to a intergalactic empire.
Create a special rule just for myself so that instead of just one unit as a scout, I field an ENTIRE REGIMENT'S worth of troops as scouts.
Beat a Commissar at a Western-Style shootout.
Recognize the Legion of the Damned for their awesomeness and badassery.
Challenge Sly Marbo to a duel to decide who is the greatest being in the entire universe.
Beat a Tau Broadside battlesuit in ranged combat using only an angry glare.
~~Hunt down my Legendary Power Sword. Again~~. Never mind Apparently roboute found it
1. Ask him if he can give it back
Come up with a Name for my Legendary Power Sword more original than The Burning Blade.
Use the warp to go back in time, find myself and beat myself in a duel, so I can have TWO Legendary Power Swords!!!
GROW A GOD-DAMNED BEARD. HOW CAN I BE CONSIDERED MANLY WITHOUT A BEARD? Also, how the fuck none grew in 10 fucking thousand years?
Give a TONS of medals and some miles of purity seals to Gav (seriously, that ogryn kill a keeper of secrets and a thousand sons wizard) then resurrect Bob, commissar Arry and give a new body to Tarla for make him happy.
Find the canon-Nazi using this list as his own personal toilet paper to wipe his shit on and mail him to Commorragh.
Throw a WAAAGH!!
1. Invite the Orks to said WAAAGH!!.
2. Aim said WAAAGH!! at the Necrons/Tyranids.
3. Bring a camera.
4. ???
5. PROFIT.
Find Lion El'Jonson and get him back on the front line owning shit.
Resurrect Rogal Dorn/Rogal Dorn's hand, and stitch it back on.
Disable Roboute Guilliman's life support.
1. Never mind, someone got him off his lazy blue butt.
2. Find out who resurrected him and keep them on retainer in case things go ploin-shaped again.
3. Apologise to him for being such a dick when we last spoke. See point 63 for reason why.
Create a First Founding 2.0 to make the Angry Marines, Manly Marines and those other guys canon.
Come up with more shit for The Emperor's list of Things to do after Resurrection 2.0 if things do go south for some reason and the Emprah-dread-titan ain't ready yet.
Turn the Armageddon conflict into a 24/7 Reality TV Channel, just like in that fantastic movie The Truman Show.
Invent a deodorant that works on Typhus.
Promote Cypher to Warmaster, he's clearly more competent than any other human that got to that rank. He seems more reliable than even Lion El'Jonson.
Fuck, trip-out and drink the whole of Commorragh under the table, and then ~~kick~~ PUNT their stoned arses into Hell.
Proceed to turn the remnants of Commorragh into a family friendly theme/water park called "EMPRA LAND!". Featured attractions: Blam the Xenos, Hot Heretic and Dismember the Deamon!
Somehow regain my love and compassion. Can't lead the Imperium into non-grimdarkness without that, you know!
Figure out how to get my awesomesauce body back since I lost all my limbs to decomposition.
Make the Ultramarines stop boasting how awesome they are while in fact they fuck up almost every vital engagement. Thus, first I must make them REALLY awesome, and then I won't need to tell about it to anyone since it will be a fact in itself.
Somehow find a way to come back without sparking off galaxy-wide hysteria. Seriously, who would have thought being considered a GabeN would suck so hard?
Redesign the power armor pauldrons. CAN'T SEE SHIT WITH THESE THINGS ON, I MEAN FUCK. Also, I can't fucking scratch my neck without smashing my head. While I'm at it, find out why the fucking hell I thought that was a good idea to have those things so big in the first place.
1. My lord, the Techpriests of Mars have fixed this issue by making the pauldrons slide downwards automatically when the arms need to be raised.
Design a helmet awesome enough for me, let's see wannabe Horuses try to mortally wound me when all of me is covered in armor.
1. May I suggest augmenting your laurel crown with a powerfield and some sort of transparent armor?
Invent a power staircase.
Resurrect Malcador the Hero and give him a shiny medal for his troubles.
1. On second thought, better make it two shiny medals.
2. We're talking REALLY shiny, here.
3. It's like, damn son.
4. So shiny.
5. Actually give him three shiny medals.
6. Heresy! Give him 4 Shiny medals.
7. Actually.... A suit of auramite power armor with the awards engraved in the chest. Add a archaeotech refractor in there too.
Congratulate Failbaddon for doing more damage to the forces of Chaos than my armies could have done in the same amount of time by being an incompetent fuck, then dickslap him back into the Warp.
Use Time machine to bring Archaon into the 41st millennia and watch him beat Abbadon with with his own arms and take his place so I may have a worthy opponent.
Boot Cato Sicarius into the eye of terror and get Captain Titus to lead the 2nd company.
Surf a flying leviathan.
Surf an Emperor-Class Titan
Surf the energy beam from an overcharges VOLCANO CANNON, THAT ORBITAL SPIRE IS GOING DOWN!!!
Get Forge World to make a fluff accurate miniature of me.
Make a legendary thunder-shield for myself.
Make my armor out of Necrodermis, I'll be invincible then.
1. Find a way to minatureize a void shield into that.
2. Failing that, an Ion Shield.
Make Commissar Yarrick into a living saint, I'm tired of Khorne bragging about how cool An'ggrath is and how I have nothing to match him, so I want my own version.
Resurrect Ciaphas Cain and form the "forward retreat" legion for him to command.
Collect each and every one of the bajillion pieces of Khaine, put them together, and as he resurrects, punch him so hard that he'll fall apart into TWO bajillion pieces.
Create a super sleeping pill for the Void Dragon so he'll never wake up. In case it won't work, I will pummel him back to sleep personally. It worked before, thus I suppose it wouldn't be too much harder a second time, but I have a lot of better things to attend to so the sleeping pill is worth a try.
Finally win a game of Paradox Poker. Yes it's fun to get together with Tzeentch, the Deceiver, and Cegorach every Saturday night for these games of dickery. But it's about time that someone won one of these games and it might as well be me. Maybe I can bring Creed along to help.
1. Invent a translator for the hive mind so it doesn't sound like a thousand mental patients gargling a million nails in motor oil and weird syntax and can become a regular player.
2. Privatize said translator and form a secret alliance with the Hivemind, and then talk shit about the others behind their backs (after making sure the translator works two ways).
Organize my birthcentury party. It's gonna be an awesome party that'll last 10,000 days!
Out-prank and out-funny Cegorach... probably the most difficult thing to do on my list.
Set up arrangements for my return where I launch myself out of a Vindicator and hit a Demon Prince, causing him to explode.
Figure out how to tell my man bitches to add pimp wheels to my golden throne then maybe a magma cannon or something badass...
Reupholster the golden throne.
Develop better plans to stop global warming and acid rain on Hiveworld planets.
Beat Abaddon with his own arms.
Recharge my iAuspex.
1. Update it too, oh me, the update time....
Beat Matt Ward and C.S. Goto over the head with their crappy works
Tell the Black Templars to chill the fuck out. On second thought gather them into the 10,000 strong unstoppable force (ITS IN THE CODEX IT MUST BE SO) and destroy the Eye of Terror.
Release Bjorn and find the Space Wolves a kennel.
Get the Space Wolves a damn flea collar
Win a blinking contest with the Eye of Terror.
Fetch Badassius his coat.
Look up affordable retirement plans, I am so sick of babysitting some of these hopeless morons.
Challenge Doomrider into a space coke-snorting contest. Then laugh at him as he dies from overdosing on the stuff.
Convince Doombreed to allow a model of himself to be made.
Get a haircut. Ensure my hair is even more fabulous.
Have a trip over to the dentist.
Exterminatus Equestria
1. And their sun and moon as while, do those first actually.
Beat Chuck Norris with his own legs
Start an intergalactic fast food chain. (Empy's Empanada's)
Invent a time machine.
Guarantee that Magnus won't fuck up my invention again. Rip his eye out and beat him to death with it.
Use the time-machine to drink Leman Russ under the table.
Using the time-machine so I can eat more than Leman Russ as well.
Hatch an extremely complicated time machine plot.
1. Go back in time and give yourself a time machine and all future information
2. Do something cool??? Figure out how to twist reality better?
3. Uhhh.... running out of ideas... Annihilate Horus?
4. Do something about your fall. What fall?
5. No Matter What Happens, The world will... wait is it will or was or is...
6. ???
7. ????????????????????
8. Profit?
9. Hire the Tau to make a animated series about my inter-time adventures, call it Golden;Throne or something.
Assign a Primarch to the Angry Marines
Assign Zoloft regiment to newly anointed Primarch of the Angry Marines
Find my driver's license and look up own name.
Clean house with the Administratum. How can we get shit done when we don't know how much we have to work with?
Dig out my office from all the paperwork/peat moss that has accumulated over the ~~years~~ ~~decades~~ ~~centuries~~ fucking millennia. Not looking forward to this one.
1. Get my old battleship for a shortcut.
Make galaxy wide web and ban Lord Commissar from every thing.
1. Spy on everyone with no mercy. Chaos will corrupt through the web or some stupid explanation via Chaos Magic.
Invent a social network purely for Space Marines accessible from any data slate called Facemarine.com
Invent a website called 40000chan.org so that humanity will finally be rid of the IRL trolls that have taken control over the hive cities, instead of the internet.
Outangry a Angry Marine
Outmanly a Manly Marine
Outpretty a Pretty Marine
Utterly destroy all furfaggotry. (Space wolves and catgirls not included!)
Beat myself in arm-wrestling with only one arm.
Beat Commissar Fuklaw in a chainsword duel. Then every Angry Marine.
Tell the Blood Ravens to stop dicking around in the Aurelia Subsector and get to work on that Eye Of Terror thing.
Cure space-AIDS by wiping out those filthy Dark Eldar.
Pimp the Golden Throne so that I may score even more bitches.
Make a show called "The Fresh Emperor of Sacred Terra".
Get new toilet paper, this 40,001 year megapack has almost run out.
Turn off my nightlight. Seems that everyone was using it for something. Well, no big deal I guess.
1. Actually, create something better, which has a radius bigger than 50,000 light years, doesn't cause the deaths of one thousand psykers every day (find a better use for them) but most importantly doesn't need me to control it. I mean come on, my time is too important to just act as a giant psychic signpost.
Order all thrones, chairs and benches destroyed. Or out of my sight at least, on pain of Exterminatus Cheezious, which is like getting creamed, but harder.
Build a gold fortress at the centre of Terra to enslave troglodytes.
Become human parasite.
Go back in time, beat entire GW executive board over the head with a power bat and then give the Warhammer 40000 license to someone willing to do a good job of it.
Scratch that, go back in time, resurrect THQ and tell them to make ~~five~~ four (one is already out of the way) more Space Marine games.
Punch Mork in the balls, with Gork's severed fist.
Demote Creed and his friends who keep fucking with my list.
Beat Swarmlord and mindfuck Hive Mind
Pray night and day that Frank Herbert's family doesn't sue the shit out of me for blatantly ripping him off.
Get Andy Chambers BACK!!!
Kick every heretic who claimed the Space Marine game was a ripoff of Gears of War/Starcraft in the balls with Powerfeet. Then send the Angry Marines in.
Beat Matt Ward to death with C.S. Goto.
Beat C.S. Goto to death with Matt Ward's corpse.
Give the Nightbringer nightmares about me.
Resurrect Sanguinius.
Tell him how much I missed him.
Resurrect Ferrus Manus.
Tell him how much I didn't miss him.
Find Leman Russ, Corvus Corax, Jaghatai Khan and Vulcan then get their asses back to battlefield.
Tell the Dark Angels I forgive them so they stop being emo and ambiguously heretical, and they can get back to kicking the asses of my enemies
Sit down and a have a cup of tea. Because it's just been that fucking long.
Find a way to re-create Horus's soul and then destroy it again.
Then do it again.
Put a new password on my computer to stop all these heretics from accessing my damn list!
Buy a really big gun to gather a load of Orks and shit in the middle of nowhere...
...then Virus Bomb said area......
Take a dump on the Golden Throne.
Congratulate Vance Motherfucking Stubbs.
Go out on a shopping day to buy a new outfit, because this golden armor set is just SO 10 millennia ago.
Order the Inquisition to torture the fuck out of EA's board of directors.
Use proceeds to pay for Power Armor for every front line soldier in the Imperial Guard. Commissars get Terminator Armor.
Modify the Imperial Palace to be able to transform into "GabeN Emperor Class Super Titan".
Play Matt Ward in a game of Warhammer 40K. Let him build the ultimate broken Ultramarines/Grey Knights army. Destroy him in the first round with a Sisters of Battle army.
1. Fuck that, a Imperial Guard army.
2. Collect tears of butthurt and despair from him losing.
Go back in time and reduce the prices at Games Workshop.
Unfuck the galaxy (again).
1. Then proceed to make sure it won't be fucked again.
  1. Without annihilating all sentient beings (and therefore killing chaos) and destroying the universe without causing it to crunch.
Adopt Cultist-Chan. Hire a dialect coach and orthodontist for her.
Find a Tarrasque and make it my personal pet.
Commend Captain Titus for not succumbing to Ultramarine stereotypes. Conclude the ceremony by striking Brother Leandros (the ungrateful fucking smurf) in the testicles with a thunder hammer.
Get some Preparation H from the Apothecaries.
Revise Imperial naval doctrine to emphasize that SPACE IS NOT A FUCKING OCEAN!
Write a best-selling autobiography.
Buy a shop-vac and drain Khorne's lake of blood. Dump hydrofluoric acid on his skull pile until it is a calcium slurry. Laugh scornfully at Khorne's unbelievable rage as the work of centuries goes to waste in a few hours.
Tell everyone to cheer up. The universe is depressing enough, I don't need an entire empire worth of wangst.
Create a chastity belt out of necrodermis and put it on Slaanesh. Then create a matching ballgag and shackles in case the fucker might get creative. This won't get kinkier, won't it?
Introduce football to Orks and create elaborate stadiums, as to distract them from killing us.
Weaponize a vuvuzela and beat a Noise Marine with it.
Get new ballpoint pens because this damn list is draining the ink.
Create a new space marine chapter dedicated to making pens with holiness.
Consider ways to liven up sports with the introduction of power armor/fists.
Disband the Ultramarines Chapter and show Matt Ward what has been done as part of the torture.
1. If Not as planned occurs and Matt Ward ignores you ROB him into the most applicable
~~Revive the Squats.*BLAM*Squats are Heresy! Bitch, I am the mother fucking EMPEROR.~~ Make sure Squats are here to stay forever.
Piss on Horus' maggoty, heretical corpse.
Resurrect Horus again and beat him to an inch away from death, then put him in life support/stasis for 10,000 years and make sure he feels every second of it- lets see how he likes being in agony for countless millenia.
Teach the Adeptus Mechanicus there is no such thing as machine spirits, and tell them they can start using AI and computers more. See notes regarding Imperial Navy for immediately apparent uses. Then shit an Imperial Palace worth of bricks as the Void Dragon takes over everything and the Age of Strife happens all over again.
Congratulate The Legion Of The Damned.
Give the remaining Lamenters a hug. They deserve it.
Determine if sexual virility has remained intact. If not, demand the necessary supplements under pain of death.
Dominate a Sister of Battle in bed.
Find a way to build Blackstone Fortresses.
1. Use as part of plan to shoot the Eye of Terror out of existence.
Deal with all the spam on 1d4chan.
Bring back Warhammer Wednesday.
Make a 40K version of Blood bowl.
Make Blood bowl the Imperium's official sport.
Invite the Eldar, Chaos and the Ork forces to participate in Blood Bowl games, proceed to rig every game. Just as planned.
Kill Gorgutz, If he doesn't run away from the fight, like he did on Lorn, Kronus and Karauva.
Create for myself a massive golden space-caddy to roll around the Imperium and fuck bitches in.
Train the commissars to stop executing their own men and start executing Furries that are useless instead.
Officially recognize the reasonable marines as the Knights Inductor. I need a Space Marine chapter that doesn't go trigger happy when they encounter heresy and xenos.
take a vacation to pen island
Make a chapter of Space Marines born from clones of Simo Hayha that is justifiably overpowered in the tabletop.
Get at least one Space Marine commander, preferably a Grey Knight, in some future Warhammer game to be voiced by James Earl Jones.
1. Get a high ranking character in said game to be voiced by Morgan Freeman.
Eat a pie with a live Carnifex inside with the aid of sauces.
Look disapprovingly at the Ecclesiarchy then bitch-slap the priests.
Reintroduce the Imperial Truth, but this time, inform my citizens and soldiers of the dangers of Chaos and how to prevent it from infecting them.
1. No wait, that's a terrible idea. Faith hurt's Chaos and religion gives guidance and hope to the masses. It's the stupid Imperial government that kept going ape about heresy and killing people. Since worship apprently doesn't feed Chaos, there is no point to the Imperial Truth except the Manifest Destiny part.
Overhaul the Imperial Guard's stance on martial justice. If I happen to catch a Commissar shooting a recruit out of a meaningless quibble, I will beat him with my bare fists and he will have to be permanently accompanied by a servo-skull equipped with a colostomy bag. Commissar reasonable agrees
Research ways to prepare Orks as a palatable substitute for Corpse Starch rations, much like the ancient Terran food product "Quorn." Would also increase morale among common soldiers, as they would treat a WAAAGH like a Grox dinner with Amasec on legs.
Find way to make bolt-mounted power field generators feasible? Perhaps I should look at the Angry Marines' Adamantine Sack of Power Doorknobs...
1. Also, see about powerfields on the shells fired by weapons batteries on Navy ships. That would be hilarious and awesome.
Place an Imperial edict forbidding the use of Baroque and Gothic architecture. Who knows how many resources were spent gilding those fucking stupid space cathedrals?
Use a hive city as a tooth pick.
Make a new edition of Epic Armageddon.
Try to domesticate some Tyranids so that we can ride them like war horses or some shit. I don't think it will work (then again the Orks managed to do it) but I just want to see if we can manage it. Besides even if it doesn't work it will probably be a fun experience (assuming nobody gets eaten).
Crush Doomrider into a fine powder and snort him.
Party with Pedro Kantor and promote him to Imperial Fist primarch.
Invent a way to make female marines, and give them all to the Crimson Fists and blood angels. Those poor bastards need it.
1. Before that, gather all those who demanded that female space marines should be created and have them explain the concept to the Adepta Sororitas.
2. Revive Malcador, then wed him to the most muscled sister I can find. After the honey moon period, ask him what he thinks of the concept of "making them all sisters".
  1. Legalize polygamy should he still agree.
3. Realize that it is rare for women to even try to join the military and that the tests for Space Marines kill all but the strongest and most durable men out of trillions. Oops.
  1. Send the handful of dead female aspirants family's an apology letter and some money.
Introduce the Angry Marines to megaphones.
Establish the Adeptus Astartes Legions once again and rewrite the Codex Astartes to emphasize tactical and strategic flexibility. Arrange a checks and balances system similar to the Iron Hands for the purposes of chapter administration. Those who protest this action will be redirected to the complaints department, which happens to be located on my power fist.
DESIGN AND MAKE NEW SHIT (Mechanicus won't/can't do it, fucking toaster fuckers)
Give a Honey Badger power armor and use it as a weapon.
Name said Honey Badger Chapter Master of the Angry Marines. They're gonna love it.
Build a Tank to crush a MOTHERFUCKING BANEBLADE.
Give it to Yarrick as a present.
Invent Krak-Grenade Tennis with Thunder Hammers for rackets.
Invent Krak-Grenade Baseball with Thunder Hammers for bats.
Invent Krak-Grenade Cricket with Thunder Hammers for bats.
Invent Krak-Grenade Golf with Thunder Hammers for clubs.
Beat Da Squig in a Baneblade race.
Declare Tank Motorsports as an official sport.
Amass a fleet of a million ships and finish kicking the shit out of everything else in the galaxy.
Bring back the Enslavers. Then enslave them.
Make a Baneblade the size of a Emperor Titan.
Make a Titan the size of a Emperor class battleship.
Make a Emperor Class battleship the size of a World Engine.
Help the Necrons to build a World Engine the size of the Eye of Terra.
1. Then destroy it. Because I can.
Steal Necron starships. Traveling the galaxy without warp drives? Fuck yeah, I want that!
Learn how to make Tyranid calamari.
Learn how to make Tyranid Tika Masala.
Learn how to make Tyranid Sushi.
Play hide and seek with Sly Marbo and with the Tanith First (and Only) guys. It'll be interesting to see why they can't find the deity of Mankind who wears Golden Power Armour and is over three meters tall.
Declare Catachan Exploding Turtles (dubbed "Mine Turtles" by the local populace) an endangered species. Seriously, these things explode all over the fucking place.
Find a way to get a truce with the Eldar and/or Tau Empire, then throw a galaxy and webway-wide party with said allies
Outlaw the appellations Empy, Emprah, Big E and so on. Not addressing me with my real name is Heresy!
Dissolve the Ecclesiarchy. I hate those creepy fucks.
Ask Officio Assassinorum about drugs they using on Eversors, then start selling it in Commorragh. If you can't defeat them, make money on them, I always say that
After my Imperial Dealers completely take over the city, have them kick dark eldar as back to hell where they belong.
Then fill this place with so much sex, drugs and gambling that it will put ~~Las Vegas~~ Dicky Drubby to shame.
And there will be daemonettes serving drinks, or you can call me "Emprah"
Open a zoo with rhinos in metal cages. Any visitors will be executed as heretics.
Encourage creative thinking, like "there is better way to use guardsmen than suicidal wave" or "not everyone is heretic and need to be destroyed" among my forces
Pay orks to make me another life-sustaining device. As long they believe it works, it works - because it's really piss me off that MOST POWERFUL PSYCHIC in the whole space can't keep himself in shape.
Hire a squad of orks, then order them to loot vehicles of other races - soon the looted-monoliths and looted-mantas will conquer the world
Pay a visit to Tau, then show them the meaning of old terran saying "better dead than red". Or blue, in that case. Blue-faced reds are enough blasphemy in MY GALAXY
Promptly remember that the Soviet Union under Stalin was still more benevolent and just than the Imperium in my millennia long bath room break.
1. Then remember that the Imperium before said bathroom break was more prone to exterminatus and mass-slaughter and intense atrocities than the grimderp Imperium.
  1. Well, shit, that's embarassing.
Get off the damn throne and find something suitable to wipe my own ass ..... ohh look a Grey Knight.
Lure every furfag to an unused planet using Faptau and Shlicktau as bait, then utilize any form of Exterminatus, thus solving the galaxy-wide furfag problem.
1. Not those that make themselves useful.
2. They'd fuck the Felinids anyways.
Send a whole fucking legion of speesh mareeens to Mars and get them to finally clear out all the rogue robots from thousands of years ago living in the catacombs below Mars.
Realize my mistakes as a father and further realize that my sons have actual emotions and stabbing them in the back/humiliating them/letting those with obvious problems lead legions of dedicated killers might not have been the best idea so I know what to do when I make Primarch Project, Part two.
Launch a cross dimensional crusade to destroy all CHAKATS!
Hire the Atraxi to blow up a planet, but only give them 19 minutes to do so.
Steal all of Trazyn's artifacts leaving behind a note with kindest regards.
ENGAGE HIVE MIND IN PHYSIC DUEL
1. USE PHYKER-DESTROYING-FINISHING MOVE. RANGE: GALAXY!
2. FIX THE REST OF THE PSYKERS IN THE GALAXY, One Howling was bad enough.
3. Re-learn how to spell psyker, and psychic. I invented those words, dammit!
Beat up Khorne while dressed as Slaanesh.
Bleach memory of having dressed as Slaanesh from brain.
Rebuild the Avatar of Khaine from the 2 Bajillion Pieces, then lock him and Slaanesh in a cage. Shatter whoever lives into 4 Bajillion Pieces, and hide the 4 Bajillion Pieces with Creed.
Challenge a Dreadnought to a fist fight.
Stand on the bow of a Battle Barge and shout "Fly me closer, I want to hit them with my sword!"(Destination:Eye of Terror, Targets:Chaos Gods)
Throw Space Wolves an Ultramarine bone; quality family time.
Play laser tag with flashlights.
Bring back Konrad Curze, fix his brain, and then get him to explain what he was rambling on about just before he died.
Clone Judge Dredd and use said clones to replace the Adeptus Arbites.
Create a training system for the Imperial Guard so my citizens are more effective than glorified meat shields.
Create a Chapter of Space Marines made up of only Pariahs just to troll Tzeentch.
Give some nice relics to the Celestial Lions to help them rebuild. Inform Inquisitors that a loyal Space Marines chapter complaining about an Exterminatus after the chapter has taken out the actual heretics is no reason to get all pissy. Send the Inquisitors that got all upset about that into a Ork WAAAGHHH! to look for Ork Snipers.
Replace the Imperial Guard's vehicles after chassis that weren't considered obsolete by World War II in exchange for stuff that's more functional. Also find out why the hell I thought that was a smart idea in the first place.
Improve ship design so that time and resources aren't wasted putting details on making the sides of the ship look like cathedrals and including over-sized figureheads that serve no practical use.
Kill Chuck Norris and disprove all the "facts" about him, they have no place in the Imperial Truth.
1. He is too manly to simply be worhshipped as a mere "god". He is Chuck Norris.
Make the Space Wolves to be accompanied by ~~Sabaton~~ Amon Amarth as they play 24/7.
Make an ironically underpowered Codex: Matt Ward.
Rewrite the sisters of battle codex. My bitches need some love.
1. And some gigantism fun with their Astartes brothers.
Build a Fucking anti-grav hammerhead baneblade combo.
Tell Dorn and Perturabo to kiss and make up.
Get my wallet back from the blood magpies.
Steal Ahriman's library card.
Bring Carron back, and lock him in a METAL BAWKS as a prison.
Go to Mars, punch the Void Dragon back to Terra, teleport to Terra and punch it back to Mars. Afterwards go ask the Mechanicus where's their Machine GabeN.
make a deal with the Hive Mind to eat everything except the Imperium.
1. breed giant carnifex to eat the eye of Terror.
2. give the jeanstealer some jeans.
3. Preferably from Abercrombie and Fitch
Get my hands on some Ethereal pheromones, then use them to get the Tau to join the Imperium, just as planned. Then sterilize those weebs as a taste of their own medicine.
Lead a live re enactment of D-Day using guardsmen and cultists.
Glue my model of Abaddon's arms on, rip the real Abaddon's arms off and proceed to beat him to death with them.
Resurrect Horus for round 2 and FUCK HIM UP...... More than last time. Oorah.
Tell Games Workshop that fucking axes aren't unwieldy! Seriously, how are fucking augmented super humans in fucking powered armor in any way slowed by a slightly heavy fucking stick?!
1. I mean all the weight of an axe is focused in a pretty hard to control spot by a kinesthetics standpoint unless you want to break your wrist trying to stop a massive weight moving super fast with a relatively small handle. And with them being Space Marines, their axes are fuck hueg but sure, axes are somehow simpler to wield EVEN THOUGH fantasy and sci-fi axes are some of the most bullshit things to be devised. THIS IS WHY THEY USE SWORDS. Also axes are pretty ineffective against armor compared to hammers. Plus ineffective towards spuishies compared to swords. You only use them as a middle ground. But sure, act like you know all about weapons and nerdrage. Ok.
Destroy the metaphorical shark so that no franchise can ever jump it again.
Throw Michael Grade into a woodchipper. Then have the wood chipper dismantled and melted into slag for getting Michael Grade's filth (I.E, any piece of him) on it.
Learn the Doctor's real name.
Catch em all.
Become the King of Games.
1. Including FATAL
Rip off a Stompa's "Super Scorcha" and use it to make Tyranid toast. Because i'm just so damn hungry after counting the dead bodies.
Steal skulls from khorne's throne and taunt an'ggrath with them as I teleport back to terra.
Go to sleep. What? I'm fucking sleepy and I have not had a descent sleep in ages.
Drop that hole Latin/High Gothic thingy as an official language, seriously WTF was I thinking when naming Adeptus Mechanicus, Astartes and Astra Militarum.
Make my own animation studio to make adaptations of anime based on manga that didn't get finished.
Use profits as part of my ongoing plan to become majority shareholder of Google.
Put an end to youtube's copyright policy, then find those asshats that put came up with it and make them eat their own bones.
Watch TV
Fuck some shit up
Fuck some sluts up
Fuck some ca/tg/girls up
Firebomb /mlp/ Seriously, I dont fucking care about MLP but that board is pure NOPE.
Get some 'nids and let them rip those fucking PETA douche bags to fucking mincemeat.
Fuck some more sluts up. Oh yeah.
Get some Taco Bell.
Close McDonalds.
Open Bembos
Watch the last airbender (Anime series not the fucking m night shyamalan peice of shit).
Burn the Legend of Whorra.
Kill M. Night Shyamalan and piss on his corpse
Make melta explosives that can be fired from missile launchers, I'm sick of having to always get in the enemy's face to use metla weapons.
Get the internet to shut up about Call of Duty(this does include any other ones as well),.~~I'm~~,(No everyone else with a life) is sick of hearing about it.
Out tank astra with a rhino, because why not?!
give orks something that can make a loud noise and can finally do shit.
Release the Kraken and after it has finished destroying the enemies of Mankind, proceed to turn it into calamari.
Eat pie, I like pie.
Check progress on Grey Knight attempts to cross-breed Saiyans and Kryptonians for any females.
1. Also progress on capturing/persuading Samus Aran to become a new Primarch for female Space Marines. Twice the (wo)manpower!
Marry said females, that will scare off that scary Empress bitch.
Sort out the contradictions in this list. Thing's a fucking mess.
Commit fraud.
Disband the Church of Scientology and send all the criminals in it to Guantanamo for crimes against humanity.
Defeat the Reapers.
1. Hi this is Commander Shepard, and GW is my favorite store on the Citadel.
Get Kaldor Draigo into an intervention because he's hooked on fucking Warp Dust.
Light my scented candle collection for proper relaxation.
Collect all Crux Terminus badges so I can put my Golden Armour back together.
Come up with the most absurd, annoying, head wrenching question I possibly can.
Ask it repeatedly to that Zathras tool and laugh as his brain explodes.
Create a giant can of bug spray and use it on all of the Tyranids
Make Captain Titus Papa Smurf. We need someone who can make decisions without reading the book Rowboat Girlyman wrote 10,000 years ago.
Steal the blood ravens
Everyones mother.
Track down the Timelord known as the Doctor, shake his hand, break his hand, kick his ass, steal the TARDIS and use it for the betterment of the imperium.
Do some stretching because 10,000 years will give you such a crick in the neck!
Resurrect Robin Williams for some decent propaganda.
Drop kick a Hive Tyrant into the sun.
Order a pizza, because it's been fucking years since I had take away food.
1. Maybe order enough for my Custodes. They need some free time too.
Find a xenos controlled planet, and bomb the fuck out of the filthy xenos scum! Note to self: Orks are probably easiest.
Astrally visit other space opera universes to see how they do things, then make fun of them.
1. Starting with Space Balls
Find some more things to do.
Find a living Astral knight,
Find a cloning device for said Astral Knight,
Create a Primarch for Astral Knight 2.0.
Forgive the people of Krieg of their 1000 year old rebellion and tell them to stop being meatshields. Well, bigger meatshields than the guard usually are.
1. They can even feel pride for being decent human beings again!
Make deep strike safer so we don't have to fucking kill all the terminators
Shoot whoever started the whole 'maetal bawkses' thing. I mean, Jesus, rhinos are elaborate machinery!
Tell the Orks they're drunk and should go home.
After collecting all the crux terminatus pieces, sell them on eBay and give all the money to THQ so they can finally fucking make Dark Millennium Online.
Make warp dust into a smokable drug.
Tell the Angry Marines to fuck themselves and thus piss them off even more.
Make the Imperial Guard useful.
Kill whoever wrote the last entry for extreme heresy.
Give Commissar Yarrick better stats.
Slap each and every Blood Angel for ever siding with or allowing their Battle-brothers to side with Necrons, at any point.
Do a Word Bearers with said Blood Angels - in front of Guilliman's ~~preserved~~ body.
Teach all my children's Legions that I made each of them different for a reason. Inform Ultramarines to "think of the next step" if things don't go as planned but tell them it's nothing personal. ~~Do CPR to Guilliman.~~ Already done.
Give each guardsmen a pair of brass balls to intimidate their enemies/allies with.
Trazyn was here.
kill the idiot that didn't actually contribute and instead just signed his name.
Eldrad was here too.
CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDD.
Find and anally rape ~~a Daemonette~~ Slaanesh.
Take pictures of Schlicktau and give them to Faptau and Vice-versa
Put a Giant Fleshlight in to a Emperor class Titan just to have another one fuck it/Fuck it himself
Have a Ultramarine get lost in it.
Make everyone look at Daemonette Titties for 1 hour a week.
Install a Slut dispenser into the Golden Throne.
Have Ultramarines drink alcohol so they are not so fucking boring. They might not be able to get drunk off of it, but that's what the elephant tranquillizer is for.
Find out where my Bitches of Silence went.
1. How the fuck did Guilliman get them to come out of hiding.
2. Girls love smurfs.
Find the Sanguinor and beat him in a duel.
Following my inevitable victory against the Sanguinor, find out who the fuck he is and bitch slap him. If he is Sanguinius he deserved it for not announcing himself for who he is and not fixing my ~~crumbling empi~~ <=HERESY. If he is not Sanguinius he gets another bitch slap for impersonating my second favorite son.
Set the record straight regarding Ollanius Pius.
Get Jango Fett to lead storm troopers.
1. Clone him
2. Use his gene-seed to create an army of Bounty Marines
3. Get them to assassinate all the assassins
4. Get them to assassinate the Assassino ministorum.
5. Make them the new Assassino ministorum.
6. Do not let him have a son. I don't want to deal with a Sarlacc pit every few years
Organize the marriage of Miranda Nero and Captain Titus. If they wanted the plot of Space Marine, those two would've ended up getting married.
On that note, I should allow Space Marines time to copulate with strong females. Would allow for a greater number of compatible gene seed initiates.
Canonize Robin Willams [1] as a mother fucking Imperial Saint. Why? Because I like to laugh and he makes me feel good. THAT'S WHY!
Resurrect Lord Solar Macharius as he seemed like a pretty competent general as well as a tactical genius.
1. And heal his War Wounds so he can be fully badass.
Play Cards Against Humanity.
Resurrect those dumbass Inquisitors who started a war with the Space Wolves and then execute them as example for how fucking stupid they were
By any means necessary get it into the Inquisition's thick skulls that they were wrong for a starting a war with the Space Wolves and apologize for being heartless dumbshits.
Get some proper aircraft. We fucking need 'em.
Change the battle doctrine of the Imperial Guard to rely more on air superiority and less on throwing waves of men and tanks the enemy.
Cure Indrick Boreale of his speech impediment (and death).
Find Vulkan
Give him a hug and the rest of his Chapter too.
Troll Trazyn the Infinite and steal his everything.
Build an army of sexy robot waifus that don't need to carry weapons because they everything the need built into them. If some animes and JRPGs can do it then I can do it better. Also make them all lesbians
Figure out which branch of the Imperium to put the above army into.
Convince all orks that I'm the most powerful being in the universe and that I can't be killed.
Include an online tutorial on Games Workshops' website for each game it sells. If it's good enough for Privateer Press and Fantasy Flight Games it's good enough for us.
Do away with the practice of separating Terminator Squads between ranged and assault. The Dark Angels made the idea work and Terminators don't carry anything that warrants staying at long range as it is.
Go back to before the Age of Strife and steal/reclaim all the the lost STCs, and whole Forge Worlds if necessary.
Mass produce skimmer felblades.
Destroy all overused memes.
Help the 'crons reach their apotheosis thing, and then have the Angry Marines Cock nob 'em so they don't fuck with my Imperium.
Get those two Sisters of Battle to confess to each other already. Seriously. I'm tired of them acting awkward and shy around each other when they are clearly in love.
Install a speech device on the golden throne, just incase I need to fix the Imperium's fuckups if i fall asleep on the job again.
Snort some warp dust.
Stop the custodians from oiling themselves up and actually do somthing fucking useful
1. How did Girlyman get them to do something.
Give the Ultramarines a new role, as dog sitters for the Space Wolves.
1. Correction: The Space Corgis
Give the Dreadknight pilots a badass helmet or something so snipers don't destroy them
1. Fuck, just make them tall Centurions at this point. Would be more effective than the stilts they are now.
Go into the Rock and either bitchslap Luther or the Lion depending on who the Watchers in the Dark tattle on
Upgrade all Imperial Titans so they can fly
Find out what Watchers in the Dark actually look like under their robes.
Find out what Angels Sanguine faces look like under their helmets. Bitch slap them - in the face (if it is actually possible). Every single one of them.
Resurrect Relic, and ensure that they make the rest of the Space Marine Series, Titus deserves to be a motherfucking Primarch
Make it imperial law that at least once a year every guardsman in the universe is allowed one free beer for the shit they do, hopefully that should prevent their temptation to go heretic on my arse
Also, make a chain sword, sword chain to literally whip the imperium back into shape.
Hold the Primarch of the year awards ceremony again, hopefully Horus can stay away this time.
Prevent the victory of Chaos in The End Times so that Games Workshop has to advance the story instead of pulling a shit reboot that changes nothing
1. Expect making Ground Marines and changing race names for no reason.
2. Fuck you Mannfred.
~~Declare non-furry aliens that can interbreed with humans and have fertile off-spring close enough to being humans~~*BLAM*
1. So Love Can Bloom is a thing then. Well then my Webway for Eldar hookers isn't a lost cause then!
Get better cooperation the Imperial Navy and Imperial Guard. I lose far too many brave gaurdsmen because the navy's incompetence leaves them without air support!
1. COMBINED ARMS PEOPLE, THIS IS WHY WE HAVE MANUALS.
~~bring back the squats~~*BLAM* kill ALL the xenos!
1. And bring the Demiurg too.
Demote Commander Kubrik Chenkov because that idiot isn't fit to lead a parade, and put him in some random platoon that's never heard of him where he might actually kill more enemies than guardsmen.
~~Grab those Eldar and tau plasma weapons. I am not letting highly explosive weapons to stay in use. Seriously, It is like playing Russian Roulette with a Exterminatus~~not needed anymore as the mechanicus had finally repaired it so that said russian roulette will only happen if the user overcharges the gun
1. Also, get the laser rifles. NO. MOAAAR. FASHLIGGHTSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!
Pat the Black Dragons on the back for putting up with all the shit that's thrown at them.
Buy out Google and enforce Fair Use on Youtube with an iron fist.
Berate the Adeptus Custodus for not preventing Goge Vandire's rise to power. Lazy fucks being lazy led to the worst thing for mankind since the Horus Heresy.
1. Although considering they would much rather oil themselves, I'm guessing Vandire just bribed them with super lubricant.
Steal a World Engine and start destroying Daemon Worlds with it.
Have a backup plan for destroying Daemon Worlds if the World Engine can't do that.
Finally defeat Leman Russ in an eating contest and a drinking contest.
Find the Black Library and empty its contents. Then wreck it.
Bring Ahriman to it and then trick him into thinking that the Black Library was just an elaborate hoax to troll him.
Punish the Grey Knights for turning on the Space Wolves and not chopping the heads off those dumbass Inquisitors who decided the appropriate response to the Space Wolves wanting to spare the survivors of the Armageddon War was to try and kill them.
Macha. Should. Be. FUCKED.
Stop this whole "treating beastmen like mutants" thing. I did make them CITIZENS for a reason.
1. I mean,they look better than all the gaunt, Necron looking women in the Imperium. I need a release too.
2. ~~You know what? Furries are citizens too, so no more of this "furfaggotry" bullshit. I'd like you to show me something that could track a fucking mouse in a blizzard. Other than a space wolf.~~ *BLAM* EXTRA FUCKING HERESY YOU FUCKING FURFAG!
3. A Felinid. We made them citizens so the others won't have bullshit arguments like this to be welcomed in.
4. Bottle said tear, and give it to Girlyman. Then he might actually man up.
Mix Speed, weed, heroin, cocaine, mushrooms, LSD, tobacco, pine-o-clean, petrol, diesel, battery acid, acid, salvia, some herbs and spices, some lettuce and tomato, some salt and vinegar, noodles, pretzels, pork scratchings, some doner kebab, vodka sauce, tabasco sauce, bam and the dirt is gone, red bull, Coca-Cola, Ajax spray and wipe, liquid hydrogen, protein shakes, some chicken and cheese, hash browns, jalapeno peppers, curry and wrap it all in a tortilla.
1. Eat it.
2. Make Leman Russ eat it.
3. Make the hive mind eat it.
4. Make Doomrider eat it. Laugh as his lightweight head explodes.
Schola Progenium harem anime
1. Starring Lucius the Eternal
Visit that planet where I keep all of my pets. THEY BUILT A CITY!?
Rematch the Void Dragon at that fight. Have the mechanicus duff all the others up.
Get the mechanicus to make me an amp and a massive fucking pair of speakers, then attach them to a Baneblade, then plug in my holy guitar and shred so hard I make the Ordinatus Mars look like a disappointing fart.
Bring back Warhammer Fantasy.
Bring Horus back to life and kill him again.
Find Mortarion and give him a bath.
Find where those 100 Baneblades went...
Have AdMec convert an Imperator Titan into my new power armor.
Release an edict as to which order the gifts go in the song "The Twelve days of the feast of My ascension".
Get Games Workshops to put free digital copies of all out of date codexes and army books on their website so fans of old books can still read them.
Drain Khorn's blood lake, then eat his khorn flakes while watching sitting in his throne and watching something noblebright.
Give Nurgle's garden a good spring cleaning, then perma-pork Isha.
Delete Slaanesh's porn collection, then replace her crack with sugar.
1. Also, create a extra strength anti-viagra and mix it in with the sugar.
2. And whatever is the opposite of laxatives and mix that in with the sugar too.
Ghostbust Tzeench's tower, then steal his change.
If I have time, kill Khorn with kindness, kill Slaanesh with boredom, kill Nurgle with Mr. Clean, and kill Tzeench with Warhammer 40k's plot progression.
Housebreak the space corgis.
Make carnifex choke on a smurf see what color it turns.
Make a Warhammer fighting game
Punch Lorgar in the face.
1. Make him fuck the Lectio Divinitatus with sandpaper pages.
~~Punch the fucker who Blam'd me when I made numbers 441 and 443~~*BLAM*
*BLAM* a commissar cause it'll be funny
Steal one of those Necron pylons and put them on Terra so that I no longer have to keep trying to not let it become a new Eye of Terror.
~~Make skub usage mandatory for all guardsmen~~*BLAM*
Catch all the C'tan shards and become the very best, the best that ever was.
Give the Orks their home-world back. Those damn toaster fuckers on mars had no right to teleport it away and it turn it into Armageddon.
Walk into Commorragh, out troll and out dick Asdrubael Vect, then bitch slap him to death in front of everyone in Commorragh.
1. Then fuck Lelith Hesperax to death before I leave.
Point out to AdMec that their statement that all technology already exists logically renders innovation impossible, as any attempt would only reproduce something that already exits. Secondly, some STC technology would be otherwise lost permanently. How's that for Divine Inspiration from the Omnissiah.
Keep sending Kor'Sarro Khan to fight the Space Communists.
1. ~~make sure he and Shadowsun get it on.~~*BLAM* Heresy!
2. PROFIT.
Kill all the Inquisitors who think it's a good idea to kill all Astropaths and Navigators (who we need to stop the Imperium falling apart), and Space Marines (because they are fucking awesome)
Kill all the Inquisitors who thought that me dying and reincarnating into someone else was a good idea.
Build a gun with enough Dakka.
1. Show it to the Orks.
2. Let them fire at me til they run out of ammo.
3. Laugh
4. Show the Orks a gun with more than enough Dakka, and blast the shit out of them.
Kill Lucius the Eternal for good, as he can't possess me.
1. Then resurrect everyone who got possessed, kill any Xenos and Chaos Worshippers who killed him, and bro fist anyone from the Imperium who killed him for being able to kill him.
Dance, just do a little dance, I was stuck in a chair for 10000 years, it would feel good to move.
Give the Lamenters a hug, they need it.
Find out what the Blood R- chapter is from the bananastodes.
1. And play the holo-game Dawn of War. I hear it's worth playing.
Play Stellaris as Xenophobic/Militant Humans to see what the Great Crusade could have been.
Make a Primarch out of the Commander of X-COM because he is far more competent than anyone in the Imperium.
Attend Angelos' and Macha's wedding.
1. And them promptly allow Eldrad to fuck shit up.
Give my Caretaker Kitten pay since he doesn't get any
1. Then send him to get tea
2. And Carnifex crumpets
Keep an eye on Rowboat Girlyman's waifu.
1. Fuck, how many Primarchs, Space Marines, and Chapter masters have girlfriends now? Even if there isn't an actual connection?
2. Keep an eye on the shippers.
  1. But don't read the fanfics.
Cut off Faptau and Shlichtau hands.
Eat a meatbread
Rub some skrub on me bones, yarr.
Work out that crick in my lower back.
Go to Emprah Burger and get an Empy meal.
Go back in time to finish the webway project and get Eldar prostitutes for myself and my sons. That should stop them from bitching constantly.
Punch all the Marines Malevolent for being such dicks.
Thank the Lamenters for getting shit done.
Bitch-slap Guilliman for being a douchebag smurf.
Bitch-slap the rest of the Ultratwats.
Have my daily time with adorable centurion.
Yell at the Inquisition and Grey Knights for thinking the Dark Angels are heretics.
Officially rename the Primaris Primarysues.
Drink ten pots of esspresso. Seriously, sitting stationary for about eleven millenia makes you need energy.
Convince Ynnead to bring Sanguinius back to life. Then make him lord-commander of the Imperium.
Make the battle cry of all gaurdsmen under twenty to be "For de Imperwium, oh fuck I dwopped my bwanket".
Congratulate Dante
Find out if Dante is who Sanguinius was talking about in his scrolls.
Go get Magnymagic.
1. Then screw him over in a game of Magic The Gathering with a mono-green deck.
2. Subsequently keep screwing him over by psychically rigging every game.
Find our who the fuck let Goge Vandire rule the Imperium and dickslap them.
put a warp drive into a rhino and fly into the eye of terror, screaming MEATLE BAWKSERS because why the fuck not.
Make Sly Marbo the ruler of the imperium because I need to catch up on shit that I missed while sitting on a motherfucking mechanical toilet for the the 10,000 fucking years!
Tell mortaring to have a bath.
Tell Abaddon to Grow a pair (of arms).
Decide if traps are gay or not.
Go digging through the ruins of Old Earth and find some tank designs from late M2/early M3.
Figure out if Sly Marbo can talk.
1. Or make any vocalizations other than "AAAAAAAAA," for that matter.
I don't know, maybe get some tacos again
Read this big fuck off list.
Remove the numbers from the list, because it is supposed to be in no particular order
Find the surviving Flame Falcons and help them rebuild. Then mind-fuck the inquisitor who declared them traitors.
Steal a spacehulk, then take said spacehulk and pimp the fuck out of it.
1. And after that is done, ram it in to that shit hole commorragh.
2. But make sure to steal the drugs first before i do that.
Assign entire regiments worth of sisters to every veteran regiment in the empire, those guardsmen need some lovin, and fire support.
1. Name said sisters "whores of battle" and make them wear white robes, all for morale of course totally not to start filiming some hot guard on sister action.
  1. Which has nothing to do with sending a bunch of men-starved women to fight beside the most manly, courageous, manly, hardcore manly badasses in all of human existence.
Figure out how to reverse entropy.
Resurrect lieutenant Kage and bitch slap the daemon out of him, Then put him under Colonel Schaeffer again he's still got a Me damned job to do, Kage had figured it all out in the end also Resurrect lorii and make her a sister of battle.
Carve a dick onto Guilliman's Helmet.
Give Archmagos Cawl Tenure for actually being intelligent enough to improve the astartes design.
Make an extermination service for Tyranids.
Turn every First Founding chapter into a legion again.
Simultaneously whip and nae nae
Challenge Gork and Mork to a boxing match
Catch up on some reading
Resurrect Father Uriah and admit that I was a bit of a dick. Unless he has gotten up to some chaosy bullshit in the past 10,500 years, have a theology discussion with him after all we've both learned and see if he might make a better Ecclesiarch than the current bunch.
find my power claw, and use it to fight yarrick in a one on one claw battle
1. and after that resurrect fucking horus for a rematch
make a search engine for this fucking list, because god damn is this shit long! How the fuck am I suppose to know what has and Hasin't been written down?!?!
N.B: Find out what happened to my massive, uber awesome, Imperator Sonninum flagship. It is essential for the Great Crusade to begin anew
Get therapy for my multiple personality disorder that is obviously the cause of the countless contradictions in this list
Teach the Black Templars to not going around killing psykers, because the Imperium needs those to function.
1. Make a point of emphasizing that other mutants are also not to be killed, unless they are traitors. Being a mutant doesn't count as treason.
make the imperial palace daemon proof
1. look, this isn't what he said (I'm but a lowly custodian), BUT COME ON! Do you know how hard it is to write down this FUCKING arse list while also protecting the emperor from, oh it don't know, daemons, crazed religious nutters, the occasional savage ork infestation of the lower levels, retired tech priests, and don't get me stated on those trice damned inquisitors who think the inter galaxy revolves around them! So in conclusion, fuck daemons, fuck nutters, fuck orks, fuck edgy tech nerds, and trice fuck inquisitors. Thank you.
Outslap Marneus Calgar
Put a limiter on Jaghatai Khan's gearbox to teach him the virtue of patience and show him what it feels like to try and drive anywhere on Terra (slow as fuck).
Make sure evey single person in the Imperium knows about the Grey Knights and all they did in the past, that will teach them to kill loyal guardsmen for knowing of their existence.
1. Then laugh as the Grey Knights slaughter thousands, thus making them more infamous.
learn how to make attack helicopters, and no it's not so I can identify as one.
1. Have all commissars shot guardsmen on site who honestly identify as an attack helicopter.
Give Belisarius Cawl a promotion and a pat on the back for doing what the mechanicum is actually supposed to do.
Eat some steak because I don’t want to just eat fucking comfort food and Carnifexes.
1. See if cows still exist, along with pigs because bacon.
Resurrect Elon Musk and make him Fabricator General of Mars.
Have masterkey shotguns and M203 Grenade Launchers be standard issue for all lasguns. The Astra Militarum needs some fucking tactical flexibility.
1. Give guardsmen sidearms because officers and Commissars shouldn’t be the only ones to have sidearms.
Shove Erebus up Lorgar’s ass.
Make those lore-video makers on YouTube be the official archivists of the Administratum. Maybe then the record keeping in the Imperium wouldn’t be so fucking spotty.
Invite my sons over for a family dinner...may get a bit awkward between a few of them and I will need to prepare for a few holes in the wall, bolter rounds flying, chaos demons, angry Space Marines, and Vulkan bringing his jello mold he dyed Salamanders green.
Give magnus a hug and tell him, he was a terrible son
get 3 full legendary sets in warhammer 40k space wolf.
play some Dawn of war 3
Fuck everyone in the hole universe, so slanesh gets so strong that he destroys all other chaos Gods.
1. ????
  1. HOLY SHIT WHAT IS YODA DOING HERE!!!
    1. ????????????????????????
      1. VERY, VERY, VERY MUCH PROFIT
        ??????????
        ?????????????????
        nope.
Make a giant, universe - wide orgy.
Forgive all my sons or create new sons so that I may recreate my Grand Crusade
1. Make myself a god that I may stop the spread of Chaos, by becoing Chaos.
Somehow create warpstorms inside the warp.
Beat Nurgle in a Chilli Cook Off
1. Hope he does just kill the judges
  1. Free the Eldar God from his Garden
    1. Bang Eldar God I freed from Nurgle's Garden
Find Fulgrim's Slaanesh-possessed sword and use it in front of him without being effected purely to show him how much he sucks.
Find the degenerates who put gay shit in my list.
Assuming that I got to this point(Which I will). Give myself a pat in the back, because I deserve it.
forgive magnus the red which I already have. He did not abandon his sons I respect his decision but don,t approve falling to chaos if there is why to save him I will.
Find a girlfriend, I deserve it.
Figure out what the missing steps are in the other items on my to do list.
It'll be a little weird but ... Ask Erda for a date.
Down an entire thing of Tums now that the Carnifex entrees are starting to give me tummy aches.
Bring back Firefly.

Gathering Storm Special List

Holy shit, Games Workshop are actually doing some plot development for 40k. Okay, I'll make a special list just for anything that happens there.

Replace the batteries on my text to speech device.
Get Ynnead to wake up fully so I have someone new to bitch-slap, but let him screw over Slaanesh first if I haven't already done it, as my time is to important to waste. Besides, the Eldar created Slaanesh, so let's give them a chance to sort it out.
1. Actually make a deal with him, resurrect me or people I like if I need it (or can't be bothered to do it myself) and I won't bitchslap you.
So Roboute Guilliman and some dude named Belisarius Cawl are creating some Neo-Space Marines. Okay, I'll see what they come up with, then make something even better.
1. And definitely think of a better name than Primaris Marines.
  1. And tell Cawl to stop naming things after himself.
2. And while I'm at it, make a super version of the Custodes, and give them even more bling.
The Imperium has been cut in half by a massive warp storm. Okay, now I'm really pissed off. I am so going to close this.
1. And the Eye of Terror has gotten bigger and enveloped Cadia. This both pisses me off and makes several points on the main list harder.
So now Armageddon has been assaulted by a fuckton of Khorne daemons. I do hope the Orks and daemons kill each other, because it will be a pain in the ass for me to sort out.
So Imotekh the Stormlord's empire just got a whole lot bigger, huh. Well at least the Tau has something new to fight. And the rest of them better not try anything with me, or I'll bitchslap them to death.
1. And they won't be reanimating from that.
Xenos are taking a back seat, and the focus is on the Imperium vs Chaos. Okay, I'm cool with that. Chaos really pisses me off.
1. But I'm still gonna fuck over any xeno that pisses me off.
Now that stats go above 10, I'm going to make a gun with Strength that's over 9000.
1. My dick's Strength is over 9000. Just sayin.
Set the Damocles Gulf back of fire. That was fucking awesome.
Bitchslap the Tau's Fifth Sphere Expansion. I don't like those a good portion of blue skinned motherfuckers.
1. If possible, team up with the Farsight Enclaves to bitch slap the rest of the Tau.
Four new Hive Fleets has appeared. But one of them is eating the others. Okay, see who wins, then stomp the survivors to death.
Wait, is there really a chance the Sanguinius will return. Well if he does I'll make him tell me where he's been and what's he been up to for the past 10,000 years, on pain of bitchslapping oh wait he was separated well than is okay carry on sanguinius.
So Nurgle thinks he can take Ultramar for himself. Not cool. I'll going to punch the shit off him, the beat the crap out of him.
Tzeentch is messing things up as well. I wonder, should I beat him intellectually or physically.
1. Maybe punch him in the face then steal his books? He is a massive fucking nerd after all.
How did Khorne attack Terra. He attacked my pad. As soon as I can, I'm going to find him, outrage him, then kick him in the balls so hard they explode.
1. Also steal his throne.
2. Then have the throne converted into golden skull decor for shits and giggles.
Tell the AdMech that it time to start using some innovation. And reveal what secrets they've been keeping.

Make the watchers in the dark imperial citizens and other loyal xenos loyal to the imperium I know I sanction there xeno race more than 10,000 years ago and there still keeping up a good fight

Give the surviveing men of iron a pardon produce them in limited quantities along with ai to help organize the imperium and help are navy limit there intelligence of the ai allso give the men of iorn to the navy so we don,t use more survitors or poor indentured people from serving on navy ships instead make the especially the latter, crew men and build more ships so we can solve a man power crisis will only convert people to survitors that actually deserve it.

Instead of legion thing I’ll just do a bragged of five to ten chapters each because supreme smurf does have a point and call the task forces

tell the imperal commanders and Guilliman wait to go for finely giving my guardsmen air support by giving the guard air support under there control
make alternatives for Titans for the guard to use know just the thing mobile suits from a thing I watch
make sure all guardsmen get even better equipment extreme priority
give Koorland slaughter a eulogy That is fitting how awesome he was because that guy was a real life action hero and probably one greatest of them all and build a statue and also while I’m add it add and imperium hall of fame yeah because the imperium needs a hall of awesome
confirm lord Dante,s appointment
congratulate Dorn for building the web way project that I plan
make the offico assianorium and the Adeptus Mechanicus have and American football game for a replica of the golden cog it will be play yearly
make an anime esque series of the war of the beast with the openings being butterfly kiss rave master and change for the the imperium I love the second opening the second opening will be muv luv alternative opening and will be the imperium I love and the third opening will be the meaning of truth from f zero legend and the forth opening will be the the other side of the fog and the fifth going to be there must be something from legend of the galactic heroes op4 it is going to 125 episode ona or ova that is a more ambitious than the legend of the galactic heroes first anime for ending 1 legend of the galactic heroes ending 2 pc game first one first series for ending 1 for ending 2 revise the world from muv luv alternative eclipse for for ending number 3 legend of the galactic heroes first series song of farewell ending 4 function junction distance for ending 5 gundam ibo Ending 4 uru
make sure space marines who survived as long as Dante automatically work on government so long as the have good character
give the vaprol swords a parade through out terra or holy terra
posthumously pardon vagerish for the beheading and the other things he did what he did save the imperium in the long run some one should of help him get treatment for dementia
make primaries imperial fist successor chapters son of Koorland the sons of slaughter sons of adumenta the new fist exemplars the sons of Maximus the sons of thane sons of phall the new soul Drinkers going to be actual sons of Rogal dorms instead of adopted sons of bohmead sons of Euclydeas sons of Issachar sons of Verpall sons of Malfons sons of Magneric and the sons of Cuarrion
give sister hospitaler the training to treat my space marines it can do everything beside that they sound do Be allowed to finish off go for the gold you go girl
my First human hall of fame class will be all my All my loyalest primarch sabaston Thor the Great ecclecarch who made peace for two thousand years due to his actions lord commander macaraus solar the whole last wall loyalists in there entirely the founder of the sister of battle balasarus Cawl And lord commander Dante and Logan and the 10,000 year space wolf dreadnought and the current captain general of my guard Trajan valrois and vangrish did the beaheading of those former hight lord losers and all his puppet lords because those millitry guys where compident and those 50 chapter master who made a new high lords after the death vagrish not his fault he got dementia all loyalists Primarchs and the astral knights and do a eulogy service for them along with war of the beast and do and I will alway love you.
pass Belisarius Cawl reforms pass and in extange he will have to wear an a hole of the imperium and the galaxy t shirt or robes do I think he will like that knowing him yeah but it will be hilarious
congratulate the space marines on starting the mobile suit project
ok I will accept I’m the worship of me as god emperor but I will make sure that I am not infallible god
stop it with the fake trivia and stuff the average life span for normal people in the imperium of man is 70 to 80 weather people like it or not
oh the high lords forgave kreig but they refused because they just want solace ok I’m down with that also both birth born and clone death korps guardsmen are awesome .
arrange guilliman and yvraine marriage
make roboute guilliman sub emperor of the imperium or man emperor of the imperium
congratulate guilliman for making the imperium better
give all loyalists Primarchs a big hug
berate the custodies for not helping out during of the war beast that is worst than letting goge vandire have power
resurrect or teleport arch formally know as arch warhammer and make him minister of imperial propaganda
congratulation Trajan for doing a good job
fix my keyboards shift key
1. also the punctuation keys
2. Apparently there was just some junk under the keys. Hard to fix when you’re a skeleton on life support.
Get the Silent King to not murder the Imperium and sign a treaty with him.
1. Seems he’s focused on Chaos and Tyranids, making this slightly easier.
give Colquan a big public scolding for being a huge idiot because his talk borders on near treason.
shit Constantin Valdor has betrayed this imperium and to extension mankind and all of us that is worse than betraying me capture or kill or get Constantin Valdor to explain himself which ever comes first.
tell trajin he is my new number one .
make a holiday or feast day for saint Marcus Achallor first custodian saint
build space colony’s at terra language points to grow food and train Terran imperial guardsmen
become buddies and in-laws with yinned
Find out who's putting all these typos in my list and throw them to Crotalids. They're trying to make me look stupid. Heheheheh. Just as planned...

ride on the rogal dorn tank

posthumously promote macaraus to lord commander of imperial forces

hug a krieg guardsmen

forgive colonel jurtan and his friend magos kreel they did what they had to do

posthumously promote jurtan to lord commander

Emperor's To-Do List

Contents

The Emperor's list of Things to do after Resurrection

Rules for new entries

The Holy List (in no particular order)

Gathering Storm Special List

Navigation menu

Emperor's To-Do List

The Emperor's list of Things to do after Resurrection

Rules for new entries

The Holy List (in no particular order)

Gathering Storm Special List

Navigation menu

Search