Kaurava System: Difference between revisions
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[[File:KauravaSystem1.png|500px|right|thumb|The Kaurava System.]] | [[File:KauravaSystem1.png|500px|right|thumb|The Kaurava System.]] | ||
The '''Kaurava System''', also known as the '''Cow-of-a-System''', or | {{Topquote|After hundreds of years under the neglectful watch of the Imperial Guard, nearly every force in the galaxy would descend upon the planets of Kaurava, bent only on domination and victory.|Narrator in [[Dawn of War]]: [[Dawn of War#Soulstorm|Soulstorm]]}} | ||
The '''Kaurava System''', also known as the '''Cow-River System''', '''Cow-of-a-System''', or '''Car-of-a-System''' (according to some YouTube subtitles), was the star system in which the complete fuck-fest known as ''[[Dawn of War]]: [[Dawn of War#Soulstorm|Soulstorm]]'' took place. It is located in the Ultima Segmentum, in a sector that lies quite close to T'au space. | |||
==Kaurava Conflict== | ==Kaurava Conflict== | ||
Prior to the events in Soulstorm, the system had been relatively peaceful by normal standards, with only one planet infested with [[Ork|extremely warlike genetically-engineered fungi able to grow bigger and stronger the more they fight]] and another with [[Necron|sleeping ancient murdering robots that destroy the laws of physics with their tech and don't die even if they are nuked]]. However, this all changed upon the SUDDEN APPEARANCE OF A WARP STORM AT THE KAURAVA SYSTEM'S OUTER EDGE. In fact, the appearance was so sudden that over half the [[Imperial Guard|Imperial Forces]] had been wiped out by the forces of [[Chaos]] (who had somehow appeared at the exact same time), before [[Vance Motherfucking Stubbs]] could even say 'fuck'. By this point commander [[Indrick Boreale]] had decided to show up with bunch of his [[Blood Ravens|Blood Raven]] [[Space Marines|SPESS MEHREENS]] in [[METAL BOXES|METAL BAWKSES]] to help eradicate both the Ork and Chaos forces present in the system. | Prior to the events in Soulstorm, the system had been relatively peaceful by normal standards, with only one planet infested with [[Ork|extremely warlike genetically-engineered fungi able to grow bigger and stronger the more they fight]] and another with [[Necron|sleeping ancient murdering robots that destroy the laws of physics with their tech and don't die even if they are nuked]]. However, this all changed upon the SUDDEN APPEARANCE OF A WARP STORM AT THE KAURAVA SYSTEM'S OUTER EDGE (Chaos ending reveals how that actually came to be). In fact, the appearance was so sudden that over half the [[Imperial Guard|Imperial Forces]] had been wiped out by the forces of [[Chaos]] (who had somehow appeared at the exact same time), before [[Vance Motherfucking Stubbs]] could even say 'fuck'. By this point commander [[Indrick Boreale]] had decided to show up with bunch of his [[Blood Ravens|Blood Raven]] [[Space Marines|SPESS MEHREENS]] in [[METAL BOXES|METAL BAWKSES]] to help eradicate both the Ork and Chaos forces present in the system. | ||
Unbeknownst to Boreale, the [[Tau]] empire also had a similar idea, and decided to set up shop directly above his head on a small moon orbiting Kaurava II. Their plan was to somehow contain the Warp Storm while expanding their territory's border right into Indrick Boreale's face. Around this time the [[Necron|crons]] on Kaurava III decided that now might be a good time to wake up and start their malicious genocidal campaign against anything unfortunate enough to [[Vance Motherfucking Stubbs|still be alive]]. However, [[Caerys|Farseer Caerys]] had already foreseen this, and inevitably showed up with her fellow [[Eldar|space elves]] by travelling through some random [[Webway]] Gate that just happened to be conveniently lying around. MEANWHILE, a bunch of [[Dark Eldar|evil space elves]] had started arriving through some other random Webway Gate located on a moon above the totally-fucking-Chaos-infested-evil-planet known as Kaurava IV. Lastly, the <s>party crashers</s> [[Sisters of Battle]] turned up. Lead by Canoness [[Selena Agna]], they had come in a futile attempt to cleanse the system before shit got ''really'' [[Derp|fucked up]]. However, because they had taken so long to get their own shit together the system was already pretty fucked by the time they got there. | Unbeknownst to Boreale, the [[Tau]] empire also had a similar idea, and decided to set up shop directly above his head on a small moon orbiting Kaurava II. Their plan was to somehow contain the Warp Storm while expanding their territory's border right into Indrick Boreale's face. Around this time the [[Necron|crons]] on Kaurava III decided that now might be a good time to wake up and start their malicious genocidal campaign against anything unfortunate enough to [[Vance Motherfucking Stubbs|still be alive]]. However, [[Caerys|Farseer Caerys]] had already foreseen this, and inevitably showed up with her fellow [[Eldar|space elves]] by travelling through some random [[Webway]] Gate that just happened to be conveniently lying around. MEANWHILE, a bunch of [[Dark Eldar|evil space elves]] had started arriving through some other random Webway Gate located on a moon above the totally-fucking-Chaos-infested-evil-planet known as Kaurava IV. Lastly, the <s>party crashers</s> [[Sisters of Battle]] turned up. Lead by Canoness [[Selena Agna]], they had come in a futile attempt to cleanse the system before shit got ''really'' [[Derp|fucked up]]. However, because they had taken so long to get their own shit together the system was already pretty fucked by the time they got there. | ||
So what actually happened? Well, anyone who has actually played ''Dawn of War: Soulstorm'' will know that there are actually '''10''' different outcomes that can be achieved. First off, one can be defeated and no outcome is ever achieved apart from their own demise. However, if one persists and somehow manages to keep playing long enough with any of the nine races to achieve victory... then shits starts to actually get even more ''fucked''. For example, if the Orks somehow achieve victory, then the Kaurava System will be completely turned into a staging ground for the largest Ork [[WAAAGH]] you have ever seen in your fucking life. If the Eldar manage to attain victory, then they will show the Sisters of Battle how you really cleanse a system and then proceed to retreat back to Kaurava III in order to stop the Imperium from ever colonising that planet again. If their evil Dark Eldar counterparts succeed, then they will drink everybody's blood and subsequently leave (what else did you expect?). If the Blood Ravens achieve victory, then the system will be returned to the control of the Imperium, but the Lands of Solitude territory on Kaurava II will be renamed to "[[Derp|Borealum]]" (after Indrick Boreale), and a new [[Fortress-Monastery]] will be founded there in the name of the [[God-Emperor of Mankind|Emprah]]. Alternatively, if the Sisters of Battle somehow succeed, then they will carry out their fanatical cleansing and proceed to subsequently bathe everything beneath mountains of holy fire and molten plasma. However, if the maniacal forces of CHAOS succeed, then.. well.. you know what happens. If the Imperial Guard achieve victory, then | So what actually happened? Well, anyone who has actually played ''Dawn of War: Soulstorm'' will know that there are actually '''10''' different outcomes that can be achieved. First off, one can be defeated and no outcome is ever achieved apart from their own demise. However, if one persists and somehow manages to keep playing long enough with any of the nine races to achieve victory... then shits starts to actually get even more ''fucked''. For example, if the Orks somehow achieve victory, then the Kaurava System will be completely turned into a staging ground for the largest Ork [[WAAAGH]] you have ever seen in your fucking life. If the Eldar manage to attain victory, then they will show the Sisters of Battle how you really cleanse a system and then proceed to retreat back to Kaurava III in order to stop the Imperium from ever colonising that planet again. If their evil Dark Eldar counterparts succeed, then they will drink everybody's blood and subsequently leave (what else did you expect?). If the Blood Ravens achieve victory, then the system will be returned to the control of the Imperium, but the Lands of Solitude territory on Kaurava II will be renamed to "[[Derp|Borealum]]" (after Indrick Boreale), and a new [[Fortress-Monastery]] will be founded there in the name of the [[God-Emperor of Mankind|Emprah]]. Alternatively, if the Sisters of Battle somehow succeed, then they will carry out their fanatical cleansing and proceed to subsequently bathe everything beneath mountains of holy fire and molten plasma. However, if the maniacal forces of CHAOS succeed, then.. well.. you know what happens. If the Imperial Guard achieve victory, then the system is re-built to its former glory and becomes highly militarized and able to produce superior infantry second best only to those produced by [[Cadia]]. | ||
==Okay but what really happened?== | |||
Orks won. [[Gorgutz 'Ead 'Unter|Gorgutz]] krumped everyone, and was for a while content being the biggest, baddest (and ugliest) Ork in the sector. That is until he found some hidden lore from the Necrons about another [[Tomb World]] called Acheron that apparently brings immense war with it whenever it emerges from the warp. War lust prompted him to leave Kaurava in search of this Tomb World. Likely, the entire Kaurava System is now stuck in an endless Ork civil war. [[Indrick Boreale]] along with the five companies of Blood Ravens under his command were annihilated during the conflict (no surprises there), which gave [[Cyrus]] PTSD. | |||
==Planets== | |||
* Kaurava I (Civilised World): The system capital and the most populated. Has a gigantic city known as Kaurav City that dominates the southern half of the planet's sole landmass, with the other half being an arid desert. Starting planet of [[Vance Motherfucking Stubbs]] (Imperial Guard) and Selena Agna (Sisters of Battle). | |||
* Kaurava II (Agri-World): The system's breadbasket, which was originally an Ork World before the Imperium colonized it. Feral Orks continue to live in the planet, a problem that worsened once Gorgutz came. Starting planet of Gorgutz (Orks) and Boreale (Blood Ravens). | |||
** Orridune (Dead World): One of Kaurava II's moons, partially terraformed and occupied by Tau forces, and home to their main stronghold in the system, Nan Yanoi. Starting world of Commander Or'es'Ka (Tau Empire). | |||
** Irridene (Ice World): Kaurava II's other moon. Home to a small trading hub. | |||
* Kaurava III (Death World/Tomb World): A hellish and predator-filled barren land that was once site of a massive battle between the Eldar and the Necrons. Used to have a moon, but a mining accident blew it up, destroyed most Imperial presence in the planet and gave it a ring. Starting planet of the Necron Lord of All Kaurava (Necrons) and Caerys (Ulthwé). | |||
* Kaurava IV (Civilised World): Furthest of the planets. Imperial colony home to a Mechanicus forge in its southern continent. Was struck by the full brunt of the Warp Storm that ravages the system and was invaded by a warband of Chaos Space Marines. Starting world of Firaeveus Carron (Alpha Legion) | |||
** Lacunae (Dead World): Kaurava IV's moon. Was home to an Imperial settlement until the [[Dark Eldar|Drukhari]] invaded and slaughtered/enslaved/raped the population. Starting world of Archon Tahril (Kabal of the Black Heart). | |||
==Trivia== | ==Trivia== | ||
*In ''Dawn of War: Soulstorm'', the Warp Storm will disappear in every ending apart from the Chaos one. | *In ''Dawn of War: Soulstorm'', the Warp Storm will disappear in every ending apart from the Chaos one. | ||
*Although the planets appear close together in the campaign, they are actually not. | *Although the planets appear close together in the campaign, they are actually not. (This should be obvious to anyone who has seen one of those posters of the Solar System, but it’s worth saying anyway.) | ||
{{40k-Planets}} | {{40k-Planets}} | ||
[[Category:Dawn of War]] | [[Category:Dawn of War]] | ||
Latest revision as of 11:13, 21 June 2023
"After hundreds of years under the neglectful watch of the Imperial Guard, nearly every force in the galaxy would descend upon the planets of Kaurava, bent only on domination and victory."
- – Narrator in Dawn of War: Soulstorm
The Kaurava System, also known as the Cow-River System, Cow-of-a-System, or Car-of-a-System (according to some YouTube subtitles), was the star system in which the complete fuck-fest known as Dawn of War: Soulstorm took place. It is located in the Ultima Segmentum, in a sector that lies quite close to T'au space.
Kaurava Conflict[edit]
Prior to the events in Soulstorm, the system had been relatively peaceful by normal standards, with only one planet infested with extremely warlike genetically-engineered fungi able to grow bigger and stronger the more they fight and another with sleeping ancient murdering robots that destroy the laws of physics with their tech and don't die even if they are nuked. However, this all changed upon the SUDDEN APPEARANCE OF A WARP STORM AT THE KAURAVA SYSTEM'S OUTER EDGE (Chaos ending reveals how that actually came to be). In fact, the appearance was so sudden that over half the Imperial Forces had been wiped out by the forces of Chaos (who had somehow appeared at the exact same time), before Vance Motherfucking Stubbs could even say 'fuck'. By this point commander Indrick Boreale had decided to show up with bunch of his Blood Raven SPESS MEHREENS in METAL BAWKSES to help eradicate both the Ork and Chaos forces present in the system.
Unbeknownst to Boreale, the Tau empire also had a similar idea, and decided to set up shop directly above his head on a small moon orbiting Kaurava II. Their plan was to somehow contain the Warp Storm while expanding their territory's border right into Indrick Boreale's face. Around this time the crons on Kaurava III decided that now might be a good time to wake up and start their malicious genocidal campaign against anything unfortunate enough to still be alive. However, Farseer Caerys had already foreseen this, and inevitably showed up with her fellow space elves by travelling through some random Webway Gate that just happened to be conveniently lying around. MEANWHILE, a bunch of evil space elves had started arriving through some other random Webway Gate located on a moon above the totally-fucking-Chaos-infested-evil-planet known as Kaurava IV. Lastly, the party crashers Sisters of Battle turned up. Lead by Canoness Selena Agna, they had come in a futile attempt to cleanse the system before shit got really fucked up. However, because they had taken so long to get their own shit together the system was already pretty fucked by the time they got there.
So what actually happened? Well, anyone who has actually played Dawn of War: Soulstorm will know that there are actually 10 different outcomes that can be achieved. First off, one can be defeated and no outcome is ever achieved apart from their own demise. However, if one persists and somehow manages to keep playing long enough with any of the nine races to achieve victory... then shits starts to actually get even more fucked. For example, if the Orks somehow achieve victory, then the Kaurava System will be completely turned into a staging ground for the largest Ork WAAAGH you have ever seen in your fucking life. If the Eldar manage to attain victory, then they will show the Sisters of Battle how you really cleanse a system and then proceed to retreat back to Kaurava III in order to stop the Imperium from ever colonising that planet again. If their evil Dark Eldar counterparts succeed, then they will drink everybody's blood and subsequently leave (what else did you expect?). If the Blood Ravens achieve victory, then the system will be returned to the control of the Imperium, but the Lands of Solitude territory on Kaurava II will be renamed to "Borealum" (after Indrick Boreale), and a new Fortress-Monastery will be founded there in the name of the Emprah. Alternatively, if the Sisters of Battle somehow succeed, then they will carry out their fanatical cleansing and proceed to subsequently bathe everything beneath mountains of holy fire and molten plasma. However, if the maniacal forces of CHAOS succeed, then.. well.. you know what happens. If the Imperial Guard achieve victory, then the system is re-built to its former glory and becomes highly militarized and able to produce superior infantry second best only to those produced by Cadia.
Okay but what really happened?[edit]
Orks won. Gorgutz krumped everyone, and was for a while content being the biggest, baddest (and ugliest) Ork in the sector. That is until he found some hidden lore from the Necrons about another Tomb World called Acheron that apparently brings immense war with it whenever it emerges from the warp. War lust prompted him to leave Kaurava in search of this Tomb World. Likely, the entire Kaurava System is now stuck in an endless Ork civil war. Indrick Boreale along with the five companies of Blood Ravens under his command were annihilated during the conflict (no surprises there), which gave Cyrus PTSD.
Planets[edit]
- Kaurava I (Civilised World): The system capital and the most populated. Has a gigantic city known as Kaurav City that dominates the southern half of the planet's sole landmass, with the other half being an arid desert. Starting planet of Vance Motherfucking Stubbs (Imperial Guard) and Selena Agna (Sisters of Battle).
- Kaurava II (Agri-World): The system's breadbasket, which was originally an Ork World before the Imperium colonized it. Feral Orks continue to live in the planet, a problem that worsened once Gorgutz came. Starting planet of Gorgutz (Orks) and Boreale (Blood Ravens).
- Orridune (Dead World): One of Kaurava II's moons, partially terraformed and occupied by Tau forces, and home to their main stronghold in the system, Nan Yanoi. Starting world of Commander Or'es'Ka (Tau Empire).
- Irridene (Ice World): Kaurava II's other moon. Home to a small trading hub.
- Kaurava III (Death World/Tomb World): A hellish and predator-filled barren land that was once site of a massive battle between the Eldar and the Necrons. Used to have a moon, but a mining accident blew it up, destroyed most Imperial presence in the planet and gave it a ring. Starting planet of the Necron Lord of All Kaurava (Necrons) and Caerys (Ulthwé).
- Kaurava IV (Civilised World): Furthest of the planets. Imperial colony home to a Mechanicus forge in its southern continent. Was struck by the full brunt of the Warp Storm that ravages the system and was invaded by a warband of Chaos Space Marines. Starting world of Firaeveus Carron (Alpha Legion)
- Lacunae (Dead World): Kaurava IV's moon. Was home to an Imperial settlement until the Drukhari invaded and slaughtered/enslaved/raped the population. Starting world of Archon Tahril (Kabal of the Black Heart).
Trivia[edit]
- In Dawn of War: Soulstorm, the Warp Storm will disappear in every ending apart from the Chaos one.
- Although the planets appear close together in the campaign, they are actually not. (This should be obvious to anyone who has seen one of those posters of the Solar System, but it’s worth saying anyway.)