Halflings

Halflings, or simply "'flings", are generally small, well-spirited people; that's how they've been portrayed in almost every single setting ever, and it'll probably stay that way. Still, when they're portrayed differently they tend to be rather . . . quirky. For instance, Dark Sun's halflings are all cannibals, while Eberron's are nomads that ride around on dinosaurs and Dragonlance's are the abominations known and cursed as Kender. Go figure.

Small and dodgy (stunty and right stuff,) they generally favour rogue classes, though halfling paladins of Arvoreen are not to be underestimated! Halflings typically love food, beer and sex, the hedonistic little bastards. They are also kleptomaniacs and will steal anything you have while you aren't looking: don't bother bolting it down, they'll just take the nails too.

Adult female halflings are also known as "legal lolis."

Halflings are really a shameless ripoff of Tolkien's Hobbits, who are also referred to as 'halflings' by humans. Artists can't seem to decide whether halflings are chubby and fat, look just like normal humans but are half as tall, or look like children who get stuck at age 10 for all eternity and thus permanently remain lolis/shotas. We at /tg/ prefer the last option.

Halfling Physiology

Halflings consist of two main organs, the stomach and the fingers. The fingers serve to bring food to the stomach, and the stomach exists to fuel the fingers, ad infinitum. It is believed by top scientists that the length of halfling lifespan is due to the fact that they are perpetual motion machines, powered by an endless cycle of food snagging, digestion, and finger-fueling. That halflings are mortal at all is mainly thought to be a consequence of their recruitment by adventuring parties, who break the chain by forcing the halfling to use its fingers for lockpicking.

Halfling Mating Practices

Surprisingly these little fuckers are basically a race of deviant sluts if the book of erotic fantasy is to be believed.

"Community is central to life in halfling society. Love and acceptance flourish. Sexual sharing is a manifestation of community and fellow feeling among adults. They frequently copulate with people they merely like, whose company they enjoy, or who seem to need the solace that intimate physical contact offers. Most nonhalflings, who might view halflings as being merely "cute," are astonished to witness the incredible diversity of halfling sex and the enthusiasm with which they engage in it. However, halflings are cautious about having sex outside their species, since they realize that their philosophies are not widely shared among other races.

Sex is much like a party, with the more the merrier. They honor the universal sexual taboos. Societal, consensual adult sex with anyone, even family members as closely related as first cousins, is acceptable. Exposed to a variety of cultures in their nomadic travels, halfings take to new sexual techniques readily, incorporating them into their vast repertoire." -Dungeons and Dragons Book of Erotic Fantasy.

Oh and fags are welcomed too.

Halfling Society

What else is there to say? We covered the food, the sex, the epic loli-dom. Oh, halflings love giving gifts. If you've read the first chapter of Lord of the Rings, you should know this. If you haven't, what are you even doing on a website built by tabletop geeks?

Anyway, this compulsive gift-giving is primarily the source of their acute kleptomania. Without somehow making up the deficit, the average halfling would run out of gifts to give in approximately an hour and twelve minutes. Most hobbit hole kitchens are adorned with a wood burning that reads, "steal from the tall, give to the short." Where these wood burnings come from is a mystery, since halflings never write anything and nobody's invented the soldering iron yet. It is assumed that they stole these, too, but from whom exactly is a mystery beyond our current ability to discern.

Notable Halflings

• Bilbo Baggins, of Tolkien's Middle Earth. The one that started it all.
  • Frodo Baggins, Bilbo's cousin and adopted heir. Was involved in the theft of and wilful destruction of property(specifically jewellery), and murder; as the owner, Sauron, died of mental anguish. No legal action taken. Fled the country to avoid prosecution. Final fate unknown.
  • Samwise Gamgee, accomplice to Baggins in aforementioned theft, and hunting of endangered mammoth spider wildlife. After a generous donation of the Baggins estates by Frodo to his election campaign, he became mayor of the Shire. This was quickly followed by a name change to "Samwise Gardner" and coincidental loss of any records of his misdemeanours.
  • Bullroarer Took, Great-Great-Great-Great Uncle of Bilbo Baggins. Most notable for his ability to ride a real horse and for inventing Golf with a rabbit hole, a (non-golf) club, and the head of the general of an invading army. What an absolute hero.
• Belkar Bitterleaf, from Rich Burlew's Order of the Stick. Arguable, as Belkar is so fucking, eye-bleedingly awesome that he may, in fact, be a dorf. ("I am a sexy shoeless god of war!")
• Tasslehoff Burrfoot, beloved happy-go-lucky companion to*BLAM* fuck kenders. fuck them in the ear.
• Mazzy Fentan of Baldur's Gate fame, halfling quasi-paladin of justice who can and will break both your legs if you call her "cute."
• That's more or less it. I mean, they're hardly the go-getters of heroic fantasy.
• Flo not a fantasy character, but the nickname for the first fossil Homo floresiensis that was discovered, or to use there more widely known name the "Hobbit" (a possible name for them was Homo hobbitus). Incredibly short Flo was determined to be 30 and yet only barely higher then three feet thus as the first member of the hobbit race we have discovered earns a spot on this list.

Gallery

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  4e halflings and their notable lack of hairy feet.

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