Elf

If you made an Elf that looks just like that, then you are doing it right.

Elves are forest-dwelling sissies; the antithesis to the manly dwarven race. Though related, they are not in fact Eldar due primarily that one is found in space with guns that shoot shurikens and the other live in forests and have bows that loose arrows; unless you're playing something crazy like Spelljammer. Elves are the chosen race of many hipster Mary Sues in the fantasy setting thanks to their pointed ears, slender builds and ever-perky breasts. In all actuality, that could be why they're always scantily-clad and the fantasy of neckbeards everywhere.

Please note that this article probably wouldn't concern Dark Eldar, and some forms of dark elf, who are usually many times more metal than their fruity non-dark cousins, allowing them some form of toleration or even acceptance by some smar/tg/entlemen. They are also much more likely to show some skin and/or put out, which helps.

Common names for Elves

• Elfs
• Elfginas
• Elftards
• Lelves
• Those Treehugging Assholes
• Douche-bags
• Fantasy's Worst Creation, Second Only To Blood Magic
• Skinnies
• Elfginas (redundant)
• Fruit (a common item of elven diet)
• Smug Forest Cunts
• Punching Bags
• Elfginas (what, again?)
• Dandelion Eaters/keebs (Shadowrun)
• Elfginas (Oh, son of a-)
• Knife Ears (Dragon Age)
• Elfginas (It's the proper term for a group!)(no it isn't jesus christ stop)
• Santa's Minimum-wage Sweatshop Workers
• Elfginas (Motherfuuuuu-)

...FUCK.

• Keebler Cookie/Cunt
• Salad Eaters
• Dentists
• Vagelves
• Cra
• Fun Police
• Aelves (commonly thought to be a mispronunciation caused by a corporate phallus lodged in the speaker's throat)
• Vulaelves
• Mer
• Hymer
• Beren's Folly
• Beren's In-laws
• Shota Fairy Aliens
• Dobbys
• Bard Bait
• Plains Dwarves
• Elfgoo
• Ward Saves

Typical Elven Traits and Habits

Some people take this shit too far.

DM of the Rings webcomic

• Having long/pointed ears
• Lifespan of hundreds to thousands of years, with correspondingly low birth rate.¹
• Hugging trees (How are we supposed to climb them?- an elf)
• Anal pounding
• Eating granola or other grain mixtures
• Kissing bunnies
• Prancing in meadows or equivalent
• Snapping in light breezes
• Being sissies or girls
• Bringing useless cloth to your dwarven fortress
• Radiating obscene levels of intense gay
• Being unbelievably fucking smug
• Washing my boots
• Speaking in Dickensian prose and hacking into your computer network
• Having Elfginas

All elves are female until proven otherwise.

footnote 1: What elves don't want you to know is they have a birthrate similar to humans, but to achieve their longevity and control their population, they eat their own young. That's why they want you to stay the fuck out of their forests: no witnesses. Another explanation is that, due to their immortality/extreme long-livety, elves limit the number of births they have to prevent overpopulation.

Uses of elves

• Slaves/pets.
• 35 elf bone bolts can be made from one elf.
• Twigs make excellent fire starters
• Each elf contains about seven pints of elvish blood; easier to carry if you decant first.
• Excellent targets/punching bags. Not only do you hone your skills, but an elf is dead (or at least in pain) at the end. The perfect system!
• Snacks.
• Easy start for aspiring pimps.
• Corporate negotiators
• Orators
• Actors
• Mages
• Circus performers
• Hackers
• Nothing of any value
• Being better than you and whichever race you play as (unless you play as an elf) Applying butthurt to their sensitive ego
• Also Elfginas

Kinds of elves

Another way to do it right.

Too goddamn many. They're all fucking like it's Pride Day and impregnating each other's butts, giving birth to a fruity diversity of an affirmative-action nightmare. However, this may sound as though the accusations of elves being a race of homosexuals wrong. If elves were a race of homosexuals, the females would be lezzing out with each other and not reproducing and the males would be busy with each other to make all these half-elf babies.

Elves are not homosexuals, if anything they're sluts.

Reproduction

The female elven reproductive tract is the throat. This has led to several traits evolving, such as long ears to aid in sex and chocolate-flavored semen. Unfortunately, the elven birth-rate is stagnant due to most female elves being haughty bitches who "don't do that!" And the adventurous, kindly spirits who aren't all take up adventuring to get away from the bitches, and so end up with human husbands.

Half-elves usually come from human fathers, who find it very hard to go back to human women once they have experienced elf-sex. Human women involved with elven men rarely get around to getting pregnant when there is a self replenishing supply of chocolate on offer.

Elves in 4th Edition

In Dungeons & Dragons 4th Edition elves happen to be the all-around mechanically best race in the game for nearly every class (yes, an elf fighter will deal around the same damage a bugbear fighter can, with one or the other coming on top depending on the situation) due to their Elven Accuracy racial encounter power, the flat-out best racial power ever, which can be upgraded further with the Elven Precision racial feat. This mechanical advantage, of course, comes with the price of being an elf.

Elves and Dwarf Fortress

Elves in Dwarf Fortress are notably different than elves in other settings... They are the polar opposite of the above descriptions. The RAGE they create isn't inspired by their gay Mary Suedom, rather the RAGE they create is often related to primal fear and panic. They are terrifying figures of rape incarnate, meaning that all that rape usually focused upon elves in other fantasy settings will be thrust upon your little Dorfy settlers and fortress, with little to no mercy.

TL;DR THEY EAT PEOPLE

(The above may be the ramblings of an Elf propagandist. One of the ones the dwarves didn't drop into the lava. Yet.)

Elf hate in /a/

Even animes hate elves, with the antagonists of Last Exile being a race of elves who are complete pricks and pretty much the cause for the world's problems.

Is your Elf /tg/ approved?

Elf watching is a popular hobby

A Quick guide to making a /tg/ approved elf. Every answer of yes is a point in their favor.

• Do they eat people?
• Are they batshit crazy?
• Does he/she do cocaaaaaaaaaaine?
• Are they NOT Chaotic Good? Double extra important if it's a Drow
• Does he/she wield a chainsaw? (only applicable to some settings Forget that part. A chainsaw wielding, magic casting elf will be accepted anywhere, due to the rules of awesome)
• Is he/she NOT protective of trees/animals ? Alternatively, is he/she protective of trees and/or animals BUT to the point of bloody fanaticism ?
• Is he/she sexually attractive?
• Is he/she bloodthirsty?
• Does he/she know how to work metal?
• Is he/she skilled at making technology?
  • Is he/she skilled at using technology?
• Is he NOT effeminate, if a he?
  • Does he have a beard?
• If he is an archer or melee combatant, does he/she has visible muscles?
• It is NOT another fucking Drizzt clone?
• Does he/she inspire fear incarnate and is shunned if not hated by society ?
• Is he NOT childishly, excessively optimistic ?
• Does said elf fights with something ELSE than a bow/longsword/rapier/magic ? (Axes, hammers, fists, crossbows, hell even guns if you have them)
• Does he/she swear profusely like a drunk pirate?
  • Does he/she drink?
    • Is he/she a pirate?
• Are they not bigoted against non-elves? Alternatively, do they hate non-elves to the point of seeing them as vermin to be enslaved or destroyed?
• Is it NOT like any other elf stereotype you have every seen ?

If you have a large majority of "yes", congratulations. You have a /tg/ approved elf.

For DM's, you can create any type of elven race. Be it faggy and hate inspiring or scary shityourpants, run away because its slowly coming this way. Slave-elf (often disapproved for a variety of reasons).

Don't let us know, or we will find you.

See Also

• Lelf
• Elf Subraces