Elf

Elves are forest-dwelling sissies; the antithesis to the manly dwarf race. Elves are the chosen race of many Mary Sues in the fantasy setting thanks to their pointed ears, slender builds and ever-perky breasts. Though related, they are not in fact eldar due primarily that one is found in space with guns that shoot shurikens and the other live in forests and have bows that loose arrows; unless you're playing something crazy like Spelljammer. In all actuality, female elves are the more manly of the elven race since they're the only ones to ever leave the forests and attempt to do manly things.Or that could be why they're always scantily-clad and the fantasy of neckbeards everywhere.

Please note that this thread probably wouldn't concern Dark Eldar, and some forms of dark elf, who usually are many times more metal than their fruity not-dark cousins, allowing them to be some forms of toleration, and even acceptance by some smar//tg//entlemen.

Even this masculine elf is actually female.

Common names for Elves

• artards
• ass-holes
• douche-bags
• faggots
• fantasy's worst creation
• fucktards
• fruit
• Homosexuals
• Nature's fuckhole
• Punching bags
• Queeros
• Retards
• Sissies
• Thirteen year old's gay ass wannabe dual-wielding dark Elf shit
• Whining lil' pussies

(any other insulting names you can think of also apply.)

Elves in the Real World

It is well-known that Asians are, in fact, Elves. (yeah that explains black hair, yellow skin, general lack of boobs and short height... no wait, it doesn't. Fail.) Its a little known fact that elves are drawn from Norse mythology hence their "blonde, tall and beautiful" look. They were never like that in the Old Myths. You fail.

Typical Elven Traits and Habits

Some people take this shit too far.

DM of the Rings webcomic

• Having long/pointed ears
• Lifespan of hundreds to thousands of years, with correspondingly low birth rate.¹
• Hugging trees
• Anal pounding
• Eating granola
• Kissing bunnies
• Prancing in meadows
• Snapping in light breezes
• Being sissies or girls
• Bringing useless cloth to your dwarven fortress
• Radiating obscene levels of intense gay
• Being unbelievably fucking smug

All elves are female until proven otherwise.

In much the same way that a single dwarf can kill ten orcs, one orc can easily rape ten elves. Though it doesn't count, cause they're elves.

footnote 1: What elves don't want you do know is they have a birthrate similar to humans, but to achieve their longevity, they eat their own young. That's why they want you to stay the fuck out of their forests: no witnesses.

Uses of elves

• Slaves/pets.
• 35 elf bone bolts can be made from one elf.
• Twigs make excellent fire starters
• Each elf contains about seven pints of elvish blood; easier to carry if you decant first.
• Excellent targets/punching bags. Not only do you hone your skills, but an elf is dead (or at least in pain) at the end. The perfect system!
• Snacks.

Kinds of elves

Too goddamn many. They're all fucking like it's Pride Day and impregnating each other's butts, giving birth to a fruity diversity of an affirmative-action nightmare.

Reproduction

The female elven reproductive tract is the throat. This has led to several traits evolving, such as long ears to aid in sex and chocolate-flavored semen. Unfortunately, the elven birth-rate is stagnant due to most female elves being haughty bitches who "don't do that!"

Half-elves only come from human fathers, who find it very hard to go back to human women once they have experienced elf-sex. Human women involved with elven men never get around to getting pregnant when there is chocolate on offer.

Elves in 4th Edition

In Dungeons & Dragons 4th Edition elves happen to be the all-around mechanically best race in the game for nearly every class (yes, an elf fighter will deal around the same damage a bugbear fighter can, with one or the other coming on top depending on the situation) due to their Elven Accuracy racial encounter power, the flat-out best racial power ever, which can be upgraded further with the Elven Precision racial feat. This mechanical advantage, of course, comes with the price of being an elf.

Why does /tg/ hate elves?

Truth

You don't really hate them for what they are, you hate them because you cannot get over the fact that once upon a time, you and your dork buttbuddies in middle school thought all that gay-ass DUAL-WIELDAN FROLICKAN DANCAN IMMORTALAN MARYSUAN was the pinnacle of fuckawesome.

AND NOW EVERY TIME YOU SEE THAT SKINNYFAT KID IN YOUR LGS ROLL ANOTHER GOOD DROW OR RP SOME LEGOLAS CLONE IN GAIA OR SOME OTHER INTERBUTT SHITHOLE, YOU ARE REMINDED THAT ONCE UPON A TIME, YOU SUBSCRIBED TO THAT KIND OF FAGGOTRY. NO FATGUY, YOU ARE THE SKINNYFAT KIDS. YOU ARE THE SKINNYFAT KIDS AND NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WALLOW IN YOUR FAVORITE GRIMDARK SHITPIT NOW, YOU CANNOT WASH AWAY THE TAINT OF YOUR FRUITY PAST. AND BY GOD, IT JUST KILLS YOU DEEP INSIDE DOESN'T IT? DOESN'T IT? DAMN RIGHT IT DOES.

I disagree.

Actual Reason /tg/ hates elves: Many fa/tg/uys are short, have beards, and a manly appearance. Therefore, they relate to dorfs instead. Also: elves are gay and the internet in general is homophobic... so there you go.

Strangely: shitstorms are started when some idiot posts guro porn (gore prons) of Elves or anything else that has pointy ears or suggests raping an elf or a human or being of any kind (if said being happens to be female. We may hate elves but /tg/ has its standards. They may not be high, but we got 'em.

Also, God hates elves.

Elves and Dwarf Fortress

Elves in Dwarf Fortress are notably different than elves in other settings... They are the polar opposite of the above descriptions. The RAGE they create isn't inspired by their gay Mary Suedom, rather the RAGE they create is often related to primal fear and panic. They are terrifying figures of rape incarnate, meaning that all that rape usually focused upon elves in other fantasy settings will be thrust upon your little Dorfy settlers and fortress, with little to no mercy.

TL;DR THEY EAT PEOPLE

Is your Elf /tg/ approved?

A Quick guide to making a /tg/ approved elf that isnt a gay, faggy, treehugging, girly, assmaggot.

• Do they eat people?

• Are they batshit crazy?

• Does he/she do cocaaaaaaaaaaine?

• Are they not some form of Chaotic good?

• Does he/she wield a chainsaw? (only applicable to some settings Forget that part. A chainsaw wielding, magic casting elf will be accepted anywhere, due to the rules of awesome)

• Is he/she super omgkawaiidesu?.... NO? Good

• Is he not gay?... Hint> the answer is no

• Is she sexually attractive?

• Is he/she bloodthirsty? (also applies to batshit crazy)

• It better not be a fucking Drizzt clone

• Does he/she inspire fear incarnate and is shunned if not hated by society?

• Is he/she cynical and chastising?

• Does he/she hate every party member with a passion? (not tsundere japcrap)

• Does said elf specialize in melee combat?

• Is it a sterotypical elf? If not, kudos to you. You have a /tg/ approved elf.

For DM's, you can create any type of elven race. Be it faggy and hate inspiring or scary shityourpants, run away beause its slowly coming this way. Slave-elf (often disapproved for a variety of reasons). Kind of elf, we couldnt care less.

Dont let us know, or we will find you.