Commissar

*BLAM*

But sir -- !

*click* *BLAM* If you will not serve in combat, then you will serve on the firing line!

-- but....your....zipper sir... it's open...

*click* *BLAM* Looking at my groin is Slaanesh worship!

Once upon a time Militant Commanders stayed in relative safety and actually commanded their armies instead of charging the enemy gushing gibberish and froth from their mouths. Once upon a time Commissars were greatly respected fearless frontline leaders that inspired their men with personal example and were willing to sacrifice themselves for the success of their company. Everything was, while not perfect, much better, sane and efficient. These times now long gone.

Nowadays... Lasguns firing, grenades exploding, orks charging, all sorts of projectiles that can kill a man instantly, and the Commissar is that sanctimonious asshole who runs around shooting his own men. They get a cool hat, a Naziesque longcoat, a sword or powerfist they seem all too happy to hit the enemy with and their iconic bolt pistol which they use to boost the morale of their men, although sometimes trading it for las or plasma pistols (but seeing your buddy's head explode or melt down does indeed motivate you better than just seeing a laser beam go through it). In reality however they're nothing more than a couple of faggots who overcompensate for their lack of fighting skill by executing their men to look tou*BLAM*. It's a well known fact that most of their morale enhancement (Unless they're Commissar Gaunt, Ciaphas Cain, or Commissar Yarrick.) consists of being scary merciless bastards to rival the enemy merciless bast*BLAM*.

A Commissar that lacks any guardsmen to execute and is in the proximity of any vehicle proceeds to clamber on the said vehicle and threaten the crew into charging the enemy so he can hit the enemy with his close combat weapon. Hilarity ensues depending on the kind of closest vehicle, close combat weapon and closest enemy.

Commissars also have a tendency to get killed suspiciously far from the front lines. Fucking Catachan heretics... And yet, I cannot help but applaud the Catachans! You've got my support, Jungle Bo*BLAM!* HERESY!

They also have mad shooting skills, some can even execute ENTIRE SQUADS OF COWARDS in the time it takes to drop their hats. If only they could shoot the enemies that fast, what with their phenomenal accuracy when shooting their own men and all.

THEY'RE SONS OF BITCHES! *BLAM!* HERESY! YOU SEE HE SHOT ME, WHAT AN ASSHOLE! QUIET, HERETIC! *BLAM* *BLAM* I'm not dead yet! *BLAM!* DOUBLE HERESY! ONLY CHAOS INFESTED HERETICS REFUSE TO DIE FOR THEIR COMMISSARS I FEEL FINE!*BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM*SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! I'll be back!

I still fucking miss the Iterators.

Choices of equipment

• Badass coat, badass sash and even more badass hat are obligatory.
• Mars-Pattern ceramite balls
• Flak armour. Standard guardsman issue Commissar armoured underwear.
• Carapace & Refractor. A better armour and a forcefield for genre-savvy Lord Commissar.
• Camo-cloak. Serves to hide said badass garments and get less fire from the enemy and guardsmen.
• Special Mask for a Lord that weeps tears of blood near traitors! Oh and scares people. Also gives a forcefield.

• Sabre. Menacingly brandished towards the enemy and guardsmen. Otherwise useless.
• Chainsword. For pleasant sound of it tearing through the enemy flesh.
• Powersword. For slaying armoured enemy and executions by beheading.
• Powerfist. For powerfisting enemy Mewtal Bawkses.

• Laspistol. Clean, precise and efficient working tool of the Commissar that doesn't waste ammunition.
• Boltpistol. Produces very satisfying *BLAM*ming sound that raises self-esteem of the worthless ponce hold-*BLAM*
• Boltgun. Good for shooting underarmoured enemies dead. Good for summary executions.
• Plasma pistol. Good for shooting armoured enemies dead. Bad for summary executions.
• Bale Eye. Lasgun built in the eye socket to kill things with a glare.
• Grenades & bombs.

Reasonable Commissars

Reasonable Commissars do not execute those who flee. However, they do carry a potent stun-gun to bring down those who break ranks and save the bolter shells for those who have willingly became servants of Chaos or Xenos. Afterwards, the accused is brought before a military tribunal to judge what the appropriate punishment will be. Reasonably Hard Labor is a common punishment. If an not-so-reasonable commissar is present the punishment is invariably a *BLAM*-ing. The bas- *BLAM*

Reasonable Commissars can often be found in units operating alongside Reasonable Marines.

Reasonable Commissars understand their duty is to instill courage within the Imperial Guard, not to instill discord and discontent. Thus they lead by example and be the first to die and last to retreat.

Reasonable Commissars only exist because there are Commissars who are *ahem* dicks...such as Commissar Jericho of the 8th Cadian Whiteshield division:

Lil' Timmy: "Commissar? My helmet won't fit. Can you please help me fasten it?"

Jericho: "IF YOU CANNOT FASTEN YOUR OWN HELMET, YOU'RE AN INEFFECTIVE SOLDIER! AN INEFFECTIVE SOLDIER IS THE SAME AS A HERETIC IN MY BOOK! SUMMARY EXECUTION FOR YOU!" *BLAM*

Jericho: "SO. ANY OF YOU OTHER CHILDREN WANT HELP WITH SOMETHING? WHAT ABOUT YOU, OLIVER? DO YOU STILL WANT MORE PORRIDGE? OH WAIT, YOU'RE DEAD! HAH! GET BACK TO FIGHTING YOU LITTLE PIECES OF SLIME!"

- from the records of Inquisitor Murtho

To some extent, they do actually exist in Warhammer canon, with Ciaphas Cain (HERO OF THE IMPERIUM!!!) and Ibram Gaunt being the most iconic examples, the fact that they became tremendously famous (OK, Gaunt - not so much) and idolized is implied to have led to many newer Commissars using their less trigger happy and more reasonable methods. Proof that sometimes, you can make a positive difference in Warhammer.

It could be argued that all Commissars are reasonable as most don't hold malicious intent when killing their own. Obviously they are evil fucks for killing their own men but usually it is done because it has to be done. Rules are rules, heresy is heresy and Commissars have to show some authority. Not saying that they are neccesarily nice guys but no Commissar ever sleeps well at night, except Gaunt, he was pretty fucking cool!

Female Commissars

They exist and perform the same functions on the battlefield as their male counterparts. They are typically assigned to female regiments, and mixed regiments from the matriarchal planets (where officers also tend to be mostly females). Moving on.

What not to do around a commissar

If you have to ask...

Unless you have a death wish (since you're drafted into the Guard, we already KNOW you have a death wish) these are the things you should avoid doing around your Commissar unless you want to be shot for a number of reasons:

• Do not retreat until he says so.
• Do not look like you will retreat before he says so.
• Do not think about retreating before he says so.
• Do not think about thinking of retreating before he says so.
• Do not retreat even WHEN he says so.
• Do not refuse to retreat when he says so because you will later be shot for insubordination.
• Do not be incompetent in battle, he'll execute you for being useless.
• Do not move too far away from a Commissar attached to your squad, he might think you are retreating without his command.
• Do not fap to the women that are xenos, heretics, or mutants while in the field of battle... or outside.
• Do not fap to human women either, he'll execute you for dereliction of duty. Also, Slaanesh worship.
• Do not fap AT ALL Because it is heresy. No! Fap to the Corpse-Empero- wait, I kinda gave that away, didn't- *BLAM* HERESY!!
• Do not mock anyone in the upper command structure, social status and organizations, it's the same as treason and treason kids is HERESY.
• Do not look at your commissar with a grimdark look, he'll assume you want to kill him. Unless you're a Catachan. He doesn't need to see the look to know you want to kill him.
• Do not interrupt him while speaking, he'll execute you for the insubordination.
• Do not worship the ruinous powers even if your commissar is.
• Do not look like you are worshipping the ruinous powers.
• Do not think about worshipping the ruinous powers.
• Do not think about thinking about worshipping the ruinous powers.
• Do not think AT ALL or he'll think you are thinking about worshipping the ruinous powers.
• Do not fall ill. Nurgle worship.
• Do not fall seriously ill. Serious Nurgle worship.
• Do not think about getting ill. More Nurgle worship.
• Do not think abou- To Hell with this, you are already thinking about getting ill *BLAM*
• Do not openly question his orders.
• Do not question his orders behind his back either.
• Do not suggest your orders are suicidal.
• Do not suggest that said "suicidal" Commissar should join the enemy, if he is able to kill his squad so quickly.
• Do not suggest anything, lest he take it for Heresy.
• Do not mention that the Ministorum Priests are better motivators. *BLAM* Insubordination!
• Do not mention that the sanctioned Psykers scare you more than him. *BLAM* Insubordination again! Actually that's acceptable, the mutant witch must be thoroughly abhorred and constantly monitored for heresy. UNBLAM!
• Do not mention that he is the most useless unit to have in a command squad. *BLAM* Insubordination again! Why won't you die!?
• Do NOT interrupt him while attempting to execute someone unless you have a pretty good reason as he'll execute you along with the one about to be executed.
• DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES challenge him or her in a western shootout. Why? Because they'll *BLAM* kill you all in LESS than a splitsecond, now get back to the front, or you'll join him.
• Do not ask a Commissar for a bullet in the head. He will have you flogged for cowardice.
• Do not ask a Commissar for a flogging. He WILL have you shot in the spine for being a Slaaneshi Cultist. Not that that's a bad thing, being a Sla-*BLAM* HERESY!
• Do not, in any way, shape, or form, give a zealous Commissar an Assault Cannon. You will have no army.
• Do not, under any circumstances, give a zealous Commissar a Deathstrike Missile Launcher. You will have no army.
• Do not give a Commissar a cookie, or he'll think you are trying to poison him. You chaos worshipping freak.
• Do not be bald, then you are a Genestealer.
• Do not be balding, then you are becoming a Genestealer.
• Do not think about balding, then you are thinking about becoming a Genestealer.
• Do not think about thinking about balding, you don't wanna become a Genestealer.
• Do not add to this list, or else he will have you shot for insubordination. He- Yes, Sir!... No, sir... Sir? *BLAM* HERESY
• THIS LIST NEEDS MORE CHAOS!*BLAM* HERESY!!!
• Do not eat your rations in a particularly vigorous manner. Khorne worship.
• Any alteration of the standard uniform shall not be tolerated. Tzeentch worship.
• Growing facial hair in the pres*BLAM*. More Tzeentch worship.
• Do not cut yourself while shaving your facial hair. More Khorne worship.
• Surviving a life threatening injury at the hands of the enemy. Serious Tzeentch worship.
• Do not bring prostitutes to the base while your unit is on leave. Slaanesh worship (and just plain improper behavior).
• Waking up lat*BLAM*. Cowardice.
• Do not give a zealous Commissar a spacecraft. You will have lost a planet.
• Do not deface or lose your Imperial Infantrymen's Uplifting Primer.
• Calling your self a member of the "Astra Militarum" *BLAM* HERESY! we are and always have been the Imperial Guard: Hammer of the Emperor!

What to do around a Commissar

Nothing escapes the vigilant eye of a commissar (except everything)

• Worship the Emperor
• Talk fairly loudly about how the chaos gods suck. (Except for slaanesh who is just bad damn thing dosen't need to suck any more.)
• Make sure all your gear is organized, cleaned, maintained, and free of non-standard issue modifications.
• Do go into rage mo-*BLAM* Getting angry is Khorne worship.
• Praise him on a job well done when circumstances are right-*BLAM* Kissing ass is borderline Slaneesh worship.
• Shine his laspistol when he isn't using it.*BLAM*Handling your superior officer's weapons is grand treason!
• Give him a blowjo-*BLAM* SLAANESHI HERETIC!
• Charge towards Khorne Berserkers even if you don't want to.*BLAM* Suicidal charges are borderline Khorne worship. Neglecting to charge however is disobeying orders. So either way you get *BLAM*ed.
• Go to battle even if you're feeling sic-*BLAM* Spreading sickness to your comrades is serious Nurgle worship.
• Compliment his marksmanship skills.*BLAM* WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT KISSING ASS!!?
• Let him know in advance when you're having a sick day so he won't execute you for dereliction of du-*BLAM* NURGLE WORSHIPER!
• Have your uplifting primer on your person. Failure to present it on request will result in BLAM.
• Bring him a captive Eldar *BLAM* XENOS LOVING FILTH!!
• When the rest of your squad looks like they are gonna fall back, step away from the Commissar's general direction as he might choose to execute you to make an example for the rest of the men.
• When the rest of your squad looks like they are gonna fall back, step towards the Commissar's general direction as he might choose to execute you to make an example for the rest of the men.
• When you are about to do something that can only be described as batshit insane and a Commissar's around suggest it to him, if you survive said suicide mission he'll probably favor you a bit, which probably means that he MIGHT actually think about who's he shooting at.
• If you're the guy at the wheel of a transport, DRIVE HIM CLOSER! HE WANTS TO HIT THE ENEMIES OF THE EMPRAH WITH HIS SWORD!
• Prior to giving him wargear, make sure that you haven't cleaned it, most Commissars prefer the bloodstained wargear look. *BLAM* failure to clean blood off of your weapons or uniform is an offence against the Departmento Munitorum policies!
• Make sure you're the only man left in the squad other than the Commissar when retreating, the Commissar rulebook says that if the squad he is attached to only has one man left, he isn't allowed to make his face blow up because he'd end up looking stupid and it's a waste of ammo since there is nobody to inspi *BLAM* Commisar Does what he wants
• If the Commissar looks pissed read (or at least pretend to read) an Imperial Creed book or something, he can't shoot you because you're reading Imperial Creed stu-- *BLAM* Now you are no longer reading it. Situation resolved.
• Bring an RPG or other Big Fucking Gun in case he tries to blam you. Make sure you say "you've been bla-*BLAM* HERESY! (pssst! Make sure you say "You've been BLAMMED!" AFTER you kill the Commissar and know there aren't more on the battlefield. WHO'S LAUGHING NOW COMMISSARS!?)*BLAM* HERESY!
• Instead of DYING, try to acquire the Enemy's head. Minor kudos for a Grunt, Some kudos for an NCO Equivalent, and perhaps at least a bit of respect from the Commissar him/herself for an enemy Commander, or said Commander's Lieutenants. Possible points if you shout out: "DEATH UNTO THE ENEMIES OF MA-..." *BLAM* Borderline Khorne-Worship!

Notable Commissars

• Colonel-Commissar Ibram Gaunt (Who?) *BLAM* HERESY!
• Commissar Yarrick
• Commissar Ciaphas Cain HERO OF THE IMPERIUM!!!!! Secretly believes himself to be a coward. The truth of that is up for debate.
• Commissar Fuklaw is tired of putting up with your heretical bullshit.
• Commissar Dan
• Commissar Max the Lovemachine of Yagis V. (It should be noted that he was actually a guardsman who picked up Commissar regalia and weapons.)
• Commissar K59
• Commissar Holt
• Commissar Raege
• Kharn The Commissar
• Commissar Steve DID HE JUST PUNCH A HOLE IN A FREAKIN' TANK?! NO NEEDS MOAR GRIMDARK
• Colonel Greiss Formerly a Commissar; became a conventional officer through necessity.
• Commissar LORD Bernn (always put LORD in ALL CAPS -bold is optional-, not doing so is Heresy.) Known for making entire armies completely invincible as long as he has people to execute and beating Mega-Daemon Princes, Hive Tyrants, Land Raider Redeemers, Battlewagons, Deranged Khornate Chaos Champions (if you're so far off your rocker that other Khornates think you're crazy, you may be a wee bit nutters), and Eldar wraithlords to death with a power fist. Also notable for being able to one-shot any infantry, from lowly Ork boyz to TERMINATORS with his laspistol. He needs no words to show he's a badass.
• Commissar "Colonel" Schaeffer He had his arm shot off by a plasma gun AND GREW IT BACK, had his spine rebuilt after being crushed by a tank and made a full recovery, had his eyes replaced after his other ones were destroyed and has survived being thrown into suicide mission after suicide mission for over 300 years LIKE A BOSS, he gets down and dirty and is usually seen in front of his men in the battle rather than behind them. He's still brutal as fuck to deserters though. *why doesn't he have his own pag- *BLAM*
• Commissar Jaes "Jellyfish" Quallen. Fragile, stuttering, clumsy, prone to disease, about as intimidating as a wet kitten. His enlistment was a cruel wager between two of his rich aunts to see if he would survive. He barely made his commission as commissar, and he was discarded to the Catachan 217th infantry to get rid of him. And yet he's still alive today. What's more, he leads his men from the very front, utterly fearless when the jagged teeth of Chaos spawn (OH GOD NOOOOOOAAAAAUUUUUUUGHHHHHHH!!! GRRAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!) are inches from his face, humming to himself in the middle of the shitstorm that is every battlefield. Atypical for a Catachan company, his men are quite loyal to him, well-liked for leading by example instead of inspiring fear behind the lines ... although they do tease him off-duty by playing keepaway with his hat.

Commissar Mortality

Commissars do not exactly have a high life expectancy (well, not that anyone in Imperial Guard have). Next to the many horrible fates that await your average "balls of steel" Guardsman in the grimdark WH40K universe, the Commissars have some additional aggravating factors leading to a quick demise.

Some reasons:

• A commissar's uniform is very different from those he is working with, add to that he is shouting things at people and possibly *BLAM*-ming them, probably without fire being returned at him, and is probably carrying different weapons than those around him. It doesn't take a genius to figure out he is an obvious High-Value Target which any sniper worth the name would take note of.
• Aforementioned uniform offers little to no head protection, head protection is for cowards and cowards get *BLAM*-med. (However, a Commissar's lack of headgear can get him *BLAM*-med by the enemy).
• *BLAM*-ming cowards, and especially *BLAM*-ming non-cowards, often has a side effect of *accidentally* getting shot, repeatedly, sometimes even far from the front lines. This fate is particularly common for those attached to Catachan units.
• Even when not getting *accidentally* shot/dropped in a pit/run over/... by his own troops, few Guardsmen will risk their lives to save a Commissar should he get into trouble with the enemy.
• Some Commissars both lead by example and expect their men to perform acts of suicidal courage, resulting in performing collective suicide in the name of the Emprah.
• Lots of Commissars like big flashy bolt pistols. Bolt pistols, being roight flash bitz of dakka, naturally attract orks like sugar water attracts flies, and unlike laspistols eventually run out of bolts.

Quotes

• "Fear me...but follow!"
• "You can give the Emperor your loyalty, or I can take it from your corpse."
• "You DARE shoot at me?...AT ME?!
• "What I cannot crush with words, I shall crush with the tanks of the Imperial Guard."
• "Fear ensures loyalty! Where do you need me?"
• "Trooper, the enemy may kill you, but if you try to run I will kill you!"
• *BLAM!*
• "It is our duty to muster the Guardsmen's courage and loyalty under fire and it is our duty to - GET THE FUCK BACK HERE!"*BLAM**BLAM*
• "WHO GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO DIE?! 'CAUSE I SURE AS HELL DIDN'T!"
• Drive me closer, I want to hit them with my sword!
• "Follow my example or I will MAKE YOU ONE!"
• A compilation of some -if not all- of DowII Commissar quotes can be found: here.
• Heil Hitler! *BLAM!* HERESY!!! Heil Emperor!
  • Wouldn't it be Heil der Gott-Kaiser? *BLAM!* HERESY!!! It is:Heil dem Gott-Imperator! Good job on the hyphen, though. *BLAM*
• "If you will not serve in combat, then you will serve on the firing line!" *BLAM*
• "SHUT UP ZATHRAS"

Gallery

This article contains PROMOTIONS! Don't say we didn't warn you.

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  The real reason why Guardsmen do not revolt en masse (odd. I'd rather take my chances with a human with a gun rather than, say, a Dark Eldar or a Daemon).

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  Commissars never let practicality get in the way of their awesomeness.

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  Kharn during his traitor commissar days with the Red Rivers traitor guardsmen.

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  Again, practicality is never a hindrance.

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  Why so serious? Let's put a smile on that there face...

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  Commissars can be romantic. It's just that they are too busy blamming Guardsmen.

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  Imperial Guard Promotion policy, you either get promoted or Blammed, no exceptions.

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  Commissar Dan on the blaze of glory run

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  Don't let this one's slow demeanor make you too confident..

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  Chink loev commissar

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  Rule 63 spares no one.

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  Commissar Yarrick by Chink

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  Commissar from the ill-fated /tg/ calendar project

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  Much Sexier Version

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  One of these is not like the others.

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  Imperial Guard, FUCK YEAH!

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  HERO OF THE IMPERIUM!

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  The Commissar is here to ensure your loyalty.

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  Squad morale restored.

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  Reasonable Commissars know that summary execution is not always needed to motivate anyone.

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  If you're wondering how she's "coping" with those things, don't ask us, for we have as good an idea as you do..

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  *BLAM*

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  Guardian of all imperial lolis.

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  Do not approach the Commissar under any circumstances, no matter how cute he may be

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