Commissar Fuklaw

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REASONABLY EXPLOITABLE

Commissar John Fuklaw is a commissar attached to the Angry Marines chapter, trained by Commissar Raege.

The Angry Marines have a Commissar because Fuklaw was too damn angry to be put anywhere else. After the Angry Marines saw him in action, they started recruiting from his homeworld. Since the Angry Marines are too skull-on-dick insane to retreat, he rarely has any problems with morale issues with them, and has adapted his role to inspire greater levels of rage in his comrades. In short, being out-done by a shiteating old man pisses the Angry Marines off to no end and drives them to fight even harder.

SEE ANABELLA!!! THIS IS WHAT’S KNOCK AS A FUCKING HERETIC!!!

To date, he is the third fourth commissar in Imperial history to join with an Adeptus Astartes chapter. The others being Yarrick, Dan, and Cain. For extra laughs, read his lines in the voice of that crazy teacher with the eyeball from Daria. The Commissar's detailed biography can be found here.

Codex: Commissar Fuklaw 7th Edition

Name	Points	WS	BS	S	T	W	I	A	Ld	Sv	Unit Type	Composition
Commissar Fuklaw	150	6	3	3	4	3	3	3	10	4+	Infantry (Character)	1 (Unique)

(Why does he have near-MEQ stats? Because he is that angry.)

Wargear

• Carapace armor
• Bolt pistol
• Chainsword
• Frag and Krak grenades
• Twisted Lump of Metal/Iron Halo

Options:

• His Chainsword may be upgraded to a "Master Fuck Fist", a master-crafted powerfist, for an additional +25 points.
• may exchange his Bolt Pistol for another ranged weapon from the Ranged Weapons list. He may also exchange his Chainsword for another melee weapon from the Close Combat Weapon list.
• may take items from the Special Wargear list.

Special Rules

• Inspiring Rage!!!
• It Will Not Die
• Eternal Warrior
• Honorary Angry Marine: Despite not undergoing the surgeries and treatments needed for a human to be a Space Marine, Fuklaw's inhuman rage for everything and savage combat skills has allowed him to match up Angry Marines in combat, cursing, and anger, a feat even most Astartes of other chapters cannot hope to match. Temperus Maximus, deeming that Fuklaw is: "PRETTY FUCKING ANGRY ENOUGH IN MY BOOK", has also allowed him to earn the respect of the Angry Marines, treating him as an equal, despite his non-Astartes status.

• This rule counts Fuklaw as having the Angry Marine special rule.

• FUCK YOU POSER: If two opposing armies include Commissar Fuklaw, those models, and the units they are attached to, must, if able, move to get into close combat with each other. Neither unit will retreat until one of Commissar Fuklaws (who is obviously an impostor) is killed.

• FUCK HERETICS!: Such is the anger that Commissar Fuklaw has against xenos, mutants and heretics, that he and any unit led by him will fight with redoubled fury against these enemies of the Emprah (as far as Fuklaw is concerned, anyone opposing him is at least one of the three). Commissar Fuklaw, and any unit he is attached to, gains Hatred (everything).

• DRIVE ME CLOSER, I WANT TO HIT THEM WITH MY SWORD!!!:

• Before deployment commences, Commissar Fuklaw may commandeer any friendly non-walker vehicle, even those that normally do not transport models. The original occupants, if any, will have to walk. As long as Fuklaw is on board, the vehicle uses his profile for ranged combat, count as chariot, and must move at least 6" towards the closest enemy unit during its movement phase and attack in close combat if able. If commandeering a normally non-transport unit, Fuklaw cannot accompany a unit, and cannot disembark unless the vehicle is destroyed. When the vehicle is destroyed, it is removed as a casualty but Commissar Fuklaw walks away unscathed and will perform the last action he was doing before his vehicle was destroyed.

• Fearless - Fuklaw is totally fucking fearless and never has to take Morale or Pinning tests. He confers this ability to any unit he joins, as they fear him more than any enemy.

• Independent Character: Commissar Fuklaw is an independent character and follows all of the rules for characters in the Warhammer 40,000 rulebook. In addition, he cannot join a unit wearing Terminator armor, jump packs, or power feet.

• Leader:

• In addition to his rank of Commissar, Fuklaw is a leader of men. He will not carry out Summary Execution (as any units he joins becomes Fearless), but he will execute a Sanctioned Psyker subject to the It's For Your Own Good! rule. Same goes for Angry Marine Masters of Mindfuckery. Furthermore, Fuklaw may make a ranged attack against any friendly squad within 12" that fails a Morale check (even if he is embarked in a vehicle - if the vehicle normally does not carry troops, Fuklaw will fire its main weapon at his ballistic skill). If that attack kills at least one model, the unit counts as if it had passed the Morale check. If Fuklaw traded his ranged weapon for a close combat weapon, he may only execute squads that are 6" of him. This is due to the fact that close combat weapons generally aren't as lethal as they're meant to be while thrown.

• The Hammer of the Emperor - Fuklaw brings back the blunt fury of the Emperor's hammer. Angry "Serfs" may be taken as troop choices.

Codex: Commissar Fuklaw 8th Edition (from Codex - Angry Marines 8th Edition)

Name	M	WS	BS	S	T	W	A	Ld	Sv	Points (Including wargear)
Commissar Fuklaw	4"	2+	3+	3	4	4	3	9	4+	130

Weapon	Range	Type	S	AP	D	Abilities
Death stare	3"	Pistol 1	4	-2	1	-
Commissar-Cane	18"	Assault 1	4	-1	2	If the target is within half range, change this weapon's Type to Assault 2, and add 1 to this weapon's Strength.
Fuklaw’s Chainsword	Melee	Melee	+2	-2	2	-

Composition: This unit contains only Commissar Fuklaw. (Power Rating 7)

Wargear:

• Death stare (in the literal sense of the word.)
• Commissar-Cane (a Master-Crafted Shotgun Cane.)
• Fuklaw’s Chainsword
• A Bolt pistol.

Abilities:

• ALWAYS ANGRY!!!

• Aura of Fuklaw: Nobody ever flees while Fuklaw’s around, some saw it’s due to the respect he garners, others say that it’s his imposing statue which inspire his troops to fight to the bitter end, most soldiers however, say that it’s the commissars hand twitching next to his bolt pistol, and a gaze so hate filled and disdainful that it can punch through power armour.
  • Friendly Codex - Angry Marines units within 6" of Fuklaw can re-roll failed Morale tests and cannot suffer any negative modifiers to their Leadership characteristic.

• BLAM!!! HERESY!!!: Only Fuklaw is enough of a badass to execute Angry Marines. Correction, Fuklaw is the only person who would a) Even consider such a thing, b) Attempt to execute an Angry Marine, and c) Survive the act.
  • In the Morale phase, any Friendly Imperium units that is not a Character or a Vehicle, that are within 6" of Fuklaw, must make a Morale test regardless of whether it has lost models or not early that turn, and if it makes a roll of 6 (regardless of modifiers) will always result in at least one model being slain. In addition, If a Friendly Imperium Psyker unit that has 3 or less wounds left (all the wounds each model has in the unit put together) suffers Perils of the Warp whilst within 6" of Fuklaw, they are also executed before anything untoward can happen - the power they were attempting fails, and the Imperium Psyker unit is slain as a result of Commissar Fuklaw's old trusted Bolt pistol to the head; units within 6" of them do not suffer D3 mortal wounds.

• DRIVE ME CLOSER, I WANT TO HIT THEM WITH MY SWORD!!!: Commissar Yarrick may ride resplendent on his Fortress of Arrogance into battle to inspire his troops, but Fuklaw can be seen clinging to the side of even a Scout Sentinel, swinging his sword like a maniac to mow down pacing heretics.
  • If Fuklaw is embarked on a Transport that is not a Flyer; In the Charge Phase, the Transport must try to charge the closest enemy unit if possible. In addition, in the Fight Phase, the Transport may make 3 additional attacks using Fuklaw's Weapon Skill and Strength characteristics and using his's melee weapon.

• FUCK HERETICS!!!: Such is the anger that Commissar Fuklaw has against xenos, mutants and heretics, that he and any unit led by him will fight with redoubled fury against these enemies of the Emprah (as far as Fuklaw is concerned, anyone opposing him is at least one of the three).
  • You can re-roll any failed wound rolls in the Fight Phase for Friendly Imperium units that are within 6" of Fuklaw.

• Twisted Lump of Metal: An unrecognizable lump of metal that either used to be a Rosarius or an Iron Halo. Fuklaw refuses to disclose what it truly is, saying, "WHO THE FUCK CARES? NOW SHUT UP WHILE I BEAT THIS SLAANESHI FUCKER TO DEATH WITH IT." Whatever it is, it still confers protection upon the wearer as it did when he first received it.

• Fuklaw has a 5+ invulnerable save.

• This old fart just will not die: Although it is rare, some of the galaxies most powerful foes have at one time or another have levelled a bolt pistol at Fuklaw, pulled the trigger, and watched the aged commissar fall to the ground. Their triumph is cut short however when they discover that a chainsword has been violently shoved up their anus, upon which they realise that Fuklaw wasn’t dead: they’d only succeeded in making him even angrier...
  • Each time Commissar Fuklaw is slain, place this model on its side instead of removing it. At the start of your next turn, roll a D6; on a 4+, he regains D3 wounds, and Fuklaw is placed as close to his previous position as possible while remaining more than 1" from any enemy models. If the roll is a 1,2 or 3 Fuklaw will not wake up before the battle is over (remove him as normal).

Faction Keywords: Imperium, Angry, Codex - Angry Marines

Keywords: Infantry, Character, Angry Marine, Commissar, Angry Commissar, Fuklaw

NOTE

• Commissar Fuklaw is uncircumcised. Also of Note is that Commissar Fuklaw Lost his Penis fighting a Khorne Berserker. (more importantly that Berserker was Kharn, a pretty cool guy) does not need a penis, because he has a badass fucking chainsword, so screw your inferior normal person genitals. Sex is but a distraction anyways.
  • Fuklaw's penis is now one of the relics of Khorne (and one of the relics/favourite sex toys of Slaanesh whenever he/she/it/they can get their hands/orifices on it) as Fuklaw's penis is able to penetrate anything in the galaxy as "MY DICK'S AN AP1 WEAPON BITCH!!!".
• Fuklaw throws the best Halloween parties.
• Fuklaw is a fan of Nosferatu.
  • Although vampires tell their children scary stories about Commissar Fuklaw hiding under their bed/coffin (this is sometimes even true, such vampires/necrons are never seen again).
• Fuklaw prefers Szechuan and Indian cuisine.
• Fuklaw was purportedly a friend of Colonel Greiss. This appears to have carried on with his successor; Fuklaw and Colonel "Iron Hand" Straken are rumored go out drinking at a local Imperial Guard pub whenever they're in the same sector to exchange war stories and news. Fuklaw is even considering inviting Straken to join him, Creed, Yarrick and Sly Marbo for their weekly poker game, an invitation Straken has so far refused from Creed and Yarrick as he says that he will only accept an invitation from Sly Marbo.
• Commissar Fuklaw was made by a drawfag called Gannadene (or Plague of gripes).
• Besides the staring competition Fuklaw won against Sly Marbo he has also beaten him in several games of "destroy a moon by just glaring at it" (Marbo took 1.423 seconds while Fuklaw only took 1.152 seconds) and numerous drinking competitions, although Marbo insists that Fuklaw cheated as his digestive system is actually a miniaturised combustion engine.
• Few Guard regiments actually met the standards placed by Fuklaw when he was assigned to them. Though, these were only first impressions. Within mere DAYS of him joining said regiments, they would later become some of the finest soldiers that ever served the Imperium of Man, even if most only retained one third of their original numbers.
• He supposedly died in 7th edition, but returned when 8th came out. Apparently some mistakes were made, and several medical officials were given a stern reminder about accurate assessments of Imperial commanders (especially from those strangling your senior because of YOUR mistake, mind you). He's now helping the displaced Cadians recover lost numbers and helping the Angry Marines hunt down select champions from Abbadon's assault in the Elysium Fields. Oh yeah, and sorting out those recovering from Cadia's fall with a laspistol.

See Also

• Life and Death of John Fuklaw
• Angry Marines
• Commissar
• Glorious audio of Commissar Fuklaw redeeming a Chaos Marine.

Gallery

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  Commissar Fuklaw in all his glory.

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  Not as planned, bitches.

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  Fuklaw no liek LCB (how is he directing such a potent stream with no wang?)

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  The "Drive Me Closer" rule in practice.

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  Fuklaw practicing for a surfing contest.

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  FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

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  What? You don't like something?

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  I'm thinkin' heresy.

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  "Life and Death of John Fuklaw" soon in theaters! Fuklaw played by Clint Eastwood.

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  Nurgle's Greater Daemons are no match!

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  Watching this cartoon is endorsed by your local Morale Officer.

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  On a scale of angry to PRETTY FUCKING ANGRY, the Commissar is scoring pretty high today.

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  Pretty much the man in a nutshell.

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  Commissar Fuklaw (alongside some other /tg/ characters)