Assholetep
"An aeons old automaton king... with the petulant impatience and obnoxious tantrums of a 7 year old child."
+++ Imperial Star Charts name this world the Tomb World of the Necron Lord, Assholetep the Insufferable.
RECOMMENDATION: Avoid at all costs. Assholetep is easier to insult than a catty gay hipster at a costume party on Halloween where like 3 other gay men dressed as the same obscure superhero that you never heard of.
Below are a collection of anecdotes pertaining to the many misdeeds and tantrums of Assholetep the Insufferable.
Anecdotes
>Wake up
>Orks looted his favorite Staff of Light
>Teleport entire Tombworld's forces to fight massive Waaagh three sectors over
>IG happen to be fighting the Orks
>Help them
>At victory party
>Planetary-Governor doesn't compliment his new cloak
>Entire sub-sector devoid of all life the next week
>Fighting Tyranids
>Rippers won't let him keep them as pets
>To this day, nobody knows what has been cutting a bloody path through Hive Fleet Kraken
>It's his birthday
>The Feudal World that hasn't had contact from space in thousands of years forgot
>Entire population butchered
>Flayed Ones dance around in rotting flesh and party hats
>At victory Banquet after fending off Hive Fleet Gorgon at Ka'mais
>Nobody lets him ride in a Crisis Suit
>MFW we know the real reason for the Harvest of Ka'mais
>Helps IG fight Chaos for rule over a planet
>Weeks into the campaign
>Lord Commissar mispronounces his name
>The Daemon Prince Valshar now rules over Ciruck IV
>Gives Arch-Magos new shiny Necrodermis body
>Becomes most trusted advisor
>Years later
>Forgets to polish his Res Orb for him
>Magos is melted down and turned into Scarabs. The forgeworld where he grew up is obliterated
>Admech find Assholehotep in stasis
>Praise him and write legends about him
>Thousands of years later they forget
>He finds records when he wakes up
>They haven't edited his page on Admechpedia in 12000 years
>All forgeworlds in the next five sectors melted to a molten goo
>hive world is under attack by nids
>he sees the world being demolished and decides to help
>after a month of hard combat the nids are all eradicated
>the citizens thank the lord and ask what he would like in return
>he asks for a solid gold statue of himself erected in the center of the major city
>they comply
>he inspects the work and finds a 5% impurity of silver in the statue
>the hive world is now a dead world.
>Assholehotep helping a Forgeworld
>One of their Titans steps on a single Scarab
>"What do you mean an entire Titan Legion was eaten by bugs"?
>His Tomb Ships assist a fleet based Chapter fight of some Eldar Pirates
>Battle Barge cuts in front of them by accident
>The Space Hawk Chapter no longer exists
>Harvesting residents of a local Feral World
>Hears Feral Child has insulted him
>Entire human population besides the child is killed
>The last image of a sentient creature the child sees is Assholehotep mooning him
>angry marines and assholehotep's destroyers get into an arguing match over who killed the most tau
>it was a tie
>they proceeded to go to the next world to try to break the tie
>the whole sector was fucked
>Assholehotep is one of the few remaining Lords wearing the original attire
>Always made fun of
>Goes around blowing up other sleeping Tomb Worlds out of spite
>Whispers "Faggots" under his breath every time
>Assholehotep meets with some Admech
>They compliment him on his wonderful Particle Whip
>Entire Admech presence in five sectors destroyed since they confused his Staff of Light for a Particle Whip
>all hot women in a one light year radius suddenly absent from their homes
>sweet millions-strong rave party on Assholetep's tomb world
>Assholetep tries to score with the hottest chick at the party
>she points out he doesn't have a penis
>thus did the Great Raveocaust begin
>Assholetep meets Angron sometime during the 30,000s
>Both end up severely pissing the other off
>Angron goes on to fuck up Armageddon's shit and thus starting a game of one-upsmanship
>Angron returns from the warp after one hundred years of being trapped in it, only to find Assholetep waiting for him
>Angron is still unable to return from the warp.
>Cegorachian Eldar pull a prank on Assholetep and cause him to sit on a whoopie cushion
>Ten days later the population of Cegorach's worshippers drops by 90% due to Necron related causes
>Dark Eldar try to settle outside of Commoragh and bump into Assholetep
>Assholetep wants them to compliment his new set of spikes
>Dark Eldar call him not spiky enough
>Ever since then the Dark Eldar have never tried to settle outside of Commorragh again
"Hey, Assholethep what are you doing with that tachyon arrow."
"Just trying something. Watch."
And so Assholethep shot the tachyon arrow way into the past and into the Emperor's back, who had just finished Horus off without a scratch and would have led humanity into a new and golden age of prosperity.
What an asshole.
How Others See Him
Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm cleaning my necroteslagaussflayergun he comes in and is all "heh, still not as big as mine" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber. What an asshole.
...
Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm unfolding my Tesseract Labyrinth he comes in and is all "Funny how you can get into a toy, but not into a Necrontyr babe's pants" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber. What an asshole.
...
Trazyn the Infinite here;
Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm recovering relics from a fallen Tomb World he comes in and is all "heh, last night I recovered your mom" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.
What an asshole.
...
Space Marine here;
Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm purging the heretics and a battle brother dies and is all Hey, don't worry, he can get back u- Oh wait and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.
What an asshole.
...
Orikan the Diviner here;
Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time the Stars are Right he comes in and is all "heh, took a Viagra huh?" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.
What an asshole.
...
Sanguinor, Exemplar of the Host here;
Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm cleansing the xenos he comes in and is all You know what they say about men with big swords and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.
What an asshole.
...
Tau water caste ambassador here
Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I try to tell him about joining the greater good, he pretends to be interested, wastes my time for an hour then says "The greater good? The greater shit more like" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.
What an asshole.
...
Dark Eldar Incubi here;
Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I threaten to rape and maim him hes all Not if i rape you first, tinydick" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.
What an asshole.
...
Fire Dragon Exarch here;
Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I go to polish my Fire Pike he comes in and is all "Compensating for something?" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.
What an asshole.
...
Chapter Master Gabriel Seth here;
Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm tearing a new one on some xenos he comes in and is all At least my Lord's not a cripple" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.
What an asshole.
...
Brother Captain Indrick Boreale here,
Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm dropping some Steel Rain he comes in and is all "Brother Captain Tay Zonday did it better," and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.
...
Draigo here.
Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm leaving the warp, he comes up behind me and says 'you know what they say about burly men who dedicate all their deeds and greatest triumphs to other burly men,' and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.
What an asshole.
...
Cato Sicarius here;
Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm cleaning my many medals and awards, he comes up to me and says "You forgot your medal for Pederasty," and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.
What an asshole.
...
Gregor Eisenhorn here;
Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm binding Cherubael again, he comes up to me and says "You know when a guy binds another guy" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.
What an asshole.
...
Space Wolf Long Fang here;
Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm combing my beard, he comes up and is all "Must be hard to get cum out of a white beard huh?" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.
What an asshole.
Writefaggotry
Brother-Captain Israyal Behradiam stood atop a mountain of destroyed Necron warriors, surveying the battlefield with a weary, sad eye. Across the plains, Imperial Guard, Space marine and Necron bodies carpeted the ground and burnt out husks of Leman Russ Battle Tanks and Chimeras blazed merrily in the fog of the dawn. He was alone now, for his after-battle prayers. But in the devastation, Guardsmen and Apothecaries moved throughout the corpse-strewn wasteland tending to their wounded and ensuring that the defeated Necrons were good and dead. It had been a costly battle but, thankfully, and with the Emperor’s grace, the Necrons had been defeated. “My Emperor,” Behradiam murmured into the mist began, reciting the litany of victory, “I thank you this hour for the protection you have granted me in the battle past. I thank you for the victory you have delivered me and my brothers. I thank you for the strength you provided me, with which I have smited your foes. “My Emperor, I would ask you to grant peace and safety on this world. It has seen enough horror for its time. I would ask you protect it and be its guardian and light in the darkness, watch over it and deliver it from evil.” Behradiam fell silent, lips pressed in a thin line, still and unmoving, as he watched the silhouettes of a Guardsmen pick their way through the broken human wreckage on the ground. One Guardsman knelt beside a body and removed something from his flak jacket and laid it on the corpse.
Such waste of life, Behradiam thought. It always pained him to see the aftermath of a battle. Five hundred years of service and still he would look in the mirror after a major battle and see two or three more scars – two or three more lucky escapes – and think of those not so fortunate. Even now he could remember a Guardsman – no, a child, pressed into service to defend his home, only fifteen – screaming and crying as a Necron draped in flesh tore him apart. He knew that child’s face would join millions of others that visited him every night before his rest. Those he couldn’t save. The nameless ghosts that haunted him. He knew that when he returned to the Fortress Monastery the first thing he would do would be to have a shower – scalding hot – where his tears would be indistinguishable from the water and his despair inaudible over the hiss of steam. “I would ask your forgiveness,” Behradiam said, forcing the words past the lump in his throat, “my Emperor, for the lives I have lost. I am not a perfect man, my Emperor, and though I try my hardest, still it is not enough.”
A single tear ran down his face, followed by another. He always chose to be alone after a battle – it did not befit a Brother-Captain to weep. “I try so hard, my Emperor. I do this for you, my Emperor. I sent these men to their deaths for you, my Emperor. I killed them for you. I ask you forgiveness. Please. This sin weighs heavily upon me, my Emperor. Just…” Behradiam choked down a sob. “Just tell me I am doing a good job.” There was a crack and a flash and, through eyes blurred with salt water, Behradiam saw the image of a Necron Lord appear in front of him. Before he could even grab for his bolter, though, the Lord had already struck. The Lord plucked the bolter from his hands and drove his staff deep into Behradiam’s gut. Behradiam was in agony. He had known that the Necron Lord could teleport – hell, the Necron lord had escaped because of that very ability. Why had he been so stupid as to go off alone? Why? Now he was going to pay the price. Any moment now, the killing blow would come. Behradiam would face his death with honour, though. He set his features – all emotions other than steely determination forgotten now. Any moment now the killing blow would come. To his surprise, it did not.
“You,” the Lord spoke, “are a colossal waste of space.” The Lord twisted its staff, sending more waves of pain through Behradiam’s body. Behradiam cursed himself for his weakness – for his foolishness. The Lord’s face didn’t move, but with his dimming consciousness Behradiam swore it seemed to exude more of a… genial, joyous air than it did a few moments ago. The Lord was revelling in this execution. “You know, if I were your Emperor, I wouldn’t forgive you. You’re a hopeless commander, Brother Captain.” “I still,” Behradiam gargled out past the blood in his mouth, “managed to defeat you, Xeno.” “With a casualty rate thirty per cent higher than what I predicted you would incur, and I even factored in natural human stupidity into that. Absolutely pathetic effort, Brother Captain.” The Lord wrenched his staff again, the pain bringing Behradiam back to consciousness as his mind began to slip. “I heard what you said before, Brother Captain. You seem like a man who feels very guilty for his own failings. You should. You’re inability to lead and your stupid decisions got your fellow fleshsacks killed. I put more effort into keeping my soldiers alive than you do, Brother Captain, and my soldiers are mindless machines.” For some perverse reason, Behradiam felt the need to defend himself against this Lord’s verbal onslaught. “I did – cough – my best.” “Not good enough, fleshling. Not good enough at all.” “Good – cough – enough to – cough – defeat you.”
The Lord did not reply. Instead a rod appeared in the hand not holding his staff that crackled with fierce green energy. The Lord hefted the rod and pressed it into Behradiam’s forehead. Searing agony spread throughout Behradiam’s body – the like of which he had never felt before. Not even his short stint in a Dark Eldar ship’s brig had compared to this. Oh, Emperor, the pain! Still, Behradiam did not break. Even as it coursed throughout his body like lava, Behradiam did not cry out. He would endure. He would die with honour and dignity and a pile of other words, like a space marine was supposed to. Behradiam’s mind began to spiral towards blackness. Death and pain were closing in. He could feel the end, the cold. It scared him like nothing before. Behradiam had been afraid – of Tyranids, of Chaos, of the Inquisition – but never like this. The idea of meeting his end filled him with abject terror. He knew the Emperor would not accept him – his failures had been too grievous. The pain and the fear were overwhelming. Behradiam screamed. He screamed and screamed and the tears poured down his face and blood dribbled from his mouth. His voice carried the note of desperation.
“Emperor please, stop! STOP! STOP THE PAIN. I’LL DO ANYTHING, PLEASE. I’M BEGGING YOU. I BEG OF YOU. EMPEROR PLEASE, WHY DO YOU ABANDON ME? I DID MY BEST! PLEASE! PLEASE!” The screams faded and his mind began to blank and all he heard in his final moment of life was a soft “chk-rrrr” and a Necron Lord laughing. The blackness descended and the pain faded and Behradiam was no more. The Necron Lord withdrew his staff from the dead space marine and tried to shake off the blood. The Lord accessed the Imperial communications grid and began to broadcast the video, forwarding the file to everybody he had listed down as one of the Brother Captain’s friends with a small message attached: “He died like a little bitch. Pathetic.” He even sent a copy to the Brother Captain’s family.
Gallery
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Oh exploitable!
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