Inquisition
NOBODY EXPECTS THE IMPERIAL INQUISITION.
Also known as the Emperor's pet psychopaths - at least according to Commissar Cain. Strange how he gets away with this heresy. (It was because the Inquisitor writing it was his lover, and he was probably dead when it was published.)
MP jokes aside, the Holy Orders of the Emperor's Inquisition or just Inquisition are the "secret" police and internal investigators of the Imperium of Man, the eponymous hunters of the alien, the mutant and the heretic. The inquisition is a semi-omnipotent and all powerful organization that has authority over every other organization and watch every single life in the Imperium for the slightest signs of heresy 1984-Big Brother style. The Emperor and his guards are the only people in the Imperium beyond their jurisdiction; even the High Lords can be (and were) subject to Inquisitorial investigation.
History
So when it became obvious that the Emperor's plan to starve the Chaos Gods with atheism was a failure due to the Horus Heresy, the Big E ordered Malcador the Sigillite with the formation of the Inquisition. Charged with finding "men of character" to seek out the heretic, the xeno, the daemon, and the unexpecting, the Inquisition serves as the secret protectors (or murderers) of the Imperium of Man, guarding it from those who would destroy it from without, from within, and from beyond.
As part of their duties, Inquisitors have damn near unlimited power, up to and including the destruction of worlds. If they have good cause, they can demand service from anyone, from lowly citizens to the High Lords of Terra. The only people officially exempt from this are the Adeptus Custodes, who can legitimately say they have a more important job in guarding the Emperor on the Golden Throne. In practice, though, Inquisitors tend to at least say "please" and "thank you" when they require service from Space Marines, since they tend to get turfy about taking orders from any non-Space Marine save the Emprah. Those who don't tread lightly tend to get a close encounter with a chainsword.
"Innocence proves nothing."
Inquisitorial motto
Branches
There are three main branches in the Inquisition (there are minor branches with jobs raging from extremely specific to extremely vague, but they rarely get mentioned anyway).
- Ordo Malleus - They are guys who hunt daemons. This branch works with the Grey Knights. Currently, they may be subject to more RAGE than ever before, by guilt by association to your spiritual liege.
- Ordo Hereticus - Guys who like to hunt witches, heretics and mutants. This branch works with the Sisters of Battle.
- And the Ordo Xenos - The guys who fight aliens. All the time. This branch works with the Deathwatch.
And nice red uniforms OH DAMN.
Philosophies
The Inquisition is a big and complicated place, and many have different philosophies on how to protect the Imperium and stop Chaos. These are defined as either Puritans or Radicals.
Puritans
Puritans, simply put, are those who refuse to employ the measures of the enemy, such as xenotech or the Warp. Most Inquisitors start out as Puritans, but a number of them fall into Radicalism. Puritanism can fall among three major philosophies:
- Amalathianism: The most conservative form of Puritanism in the Inquisition, Amalathians (named after Mount Amalath, where its tenets were first set down at an Inquisitorial conclave) believe that the Emperor has some sort of divine plan for the Imperium, and the Inquisitions purpose is to protect the Imperium as that plan becomes visible. Change is considered the greatest enemy (which may have some sense to it), with the exception that they seek to overcome the factionalism so common within the Adeptus Terra. The irony that the Amalathians are themselves technically a faction is not lost on them. You'd think that a group which holds the Imperium at present is perfect would be off its rocker, but they're actually a fairly reasonable group who prefer to get shit done rather than bicker and bitch over territorial disputes. Gregor Eisenhorn was once a staunch Amalathian, but he eventually fell into Radicalism in his later years.
- Monodominant: The most extreme form of Puritianism in the Inquisition, Monodominants believe that humanity, and only the humanity, should be allowed to continue to exist. Given that the average inhabitants of the galaxy are Space pansies who would abandon you in a heartbeat, space pansies who would torture and rape you in a heartbeat, green hooligans who would fight and kill you in a heartbeat, giant spacebugs who would eat you in a heartbeat, undead robots who would atomize you in a heartbeat and things much worse, this is an understandable worldview. Unfortunately, the Monodominants take things a few steps further, wanting to eliminate all mutants, including the Psykers (Astropaths and Navigators) that humanity needs to keep functioning. Basically Humanity Fuck Yeah taken to its logical extreme. The Monodominants feature heavily in the Knights Inductor campaign.
- Thorianism: The most radical form of Puritanism, Thorians are named after Sebastian Thor, the hero of the Age of Apostasy, and believe that Thor held part of the power of the Emperor within him. The Thorians thus believe that it is possible to reincarnate the Emperor of Mankind into a new body, allowing him to rebuild the Imperium and launch a new Great Crusade. As a result, Thorians closely study the nature of the human consciousness and the Warp, while also keeping a close eye on individuals that show enough power to be potential hosts for the Emperor's soul (such as Living Saints). They are extremely close the Ecclesiarchy.
- Anomolian Beholders: A more conservative branch of Thorianism which takes a more passive approach, more content with observing humanity for signs of the God-Emperor's return than actively trying to bring him back.
- Ardentites: A variation of Thorian belief that claims the power of the Emperor was dispersed throughout humanity as a whole rather than being concentrated in any one individual. Derisively referred to as "miracle chasers" by the rest of the Inquisition for their many failed attempts at proving their beliefs.
Radicals
Radicals are those Inquisitors who believe in fighting fire with fire--specifically, using the weapons of the enemy against the enemy. According to Inquisitor Gideon Ravenor, Radicalism is inevitable, as the more one learns about the nature of the enemy, the more they realize that the enemy has a lot better toys than the Imperium. However, given that most Inquisitors will face Chaos at some point, and given the inherently corrupting nature of the Warp, Radicalism may lead to one hoping to fight the Archenemy before brought into the service of the Chaos Gods. Radicalism can fall into a lot more branches than Puritans, and the following is merely a list of the most common forms it can take:
- Horusians: One of the most dangerous forms of radicalism, Horusians (named after Horus Lupercal) believe that power the Chaos Gods imbued Horus with to fight the Emperor can be used to create a new body for the Emperor. Mostly consists of older Inquisitors who have become angry with the other resurrection theories failing to get shit done.
- Istvaanism: One of the most violent forms of Radicalism, Isstvanians (named for the virus-bombing of Istvaan III, which began the Horus Heresy) believe that conflict is desirable, and mankind only grows in a state of violence. In practice, this leads to various conflicts that would otherwise remain minor suddenly becoming unmanageable because an Istvaanite was covertly funneling resources to one or both sides.
- Recongregationism: Radicals who believe that the Imperium has become stagnant and corrupt, and needs to be rebuilt least it collapse further. Unfortunately for them, they aren't entirely sure about how to do this.
- Revivificationism: Essentially the radical form of Thorianism, Revivificators believe in studying the effects of death and dying so that they can reverse the process and revive the Emperor of Mankind. Revivificators have a deep interest in studying the Eldar as a result, and have less ties to the Ecclesiarchy.
- Xanthism: The most overtly and well known form of Radicalism, Xanthians (named after Lord Inquisitor Zaranchek Xanthus, executed for heresy in M.32) believe that using Chaotic artifacts such as possessed swords and Daemonhosts are viable weapons against the Archenemy. They hold that only by controlling the power of Chaos can Chaos be defeated. Eisenhorn eventually followed Xanthianism after being forced to use Cherubael to save the lives of his retinue. (Most of the time, this ends up spectacularly backfiring. The Ruinous Powers hate each other, but they aren't complete idiots about it.)
- Phaeonism: A splinter group of Xanthism, considered extreme even by other Radicals. Their dabbling with hereteks alongside the traditional Xanthite methods led them to openly deny the Emperor's divinity and embrace the powers of the Warp, seeking to rebuild the Imperium in their own image. Despite being declared Excommunicate Traitoris, there are still some Phaeonites in the Inquisition, although they have taken great caution to conceal their allegiances from their fellow Inquisitors.
- Libricars: An extreme version of Amalthianism that insists that even the smallest deviations from the status quo warrants purging. Unlike the Amalthians, they don't really care about avoiding conflict.
- Oblationists: Bizarro Monodominants that insist that the truly righteous (i.e. themselves) must allow themselves to be damned through the use of the Warp, the xenos, and the unclean to keep humanity safe. At the same time they believe that anyone else using these things is utterly heretical. The irony of this appears to be lost on them.
- Ocularians: A minor faction obsessed with learning how to predict and divine the future, no matter the cost of doing so.
- Polypsykana: A group that believes humanity is evolving into a fully psychic race (which is true) and that it is a good idea that must do everything they can to accelerate this process (which is not). They do this by trying to protect nascent psykers from their Puritan colleagues, though they have also been known to harbor witches and other rogue psykers as well.
- Seculos Attendous: A minor faction that views the Ecclesiarchy as an obstacle to mankind's progress and seeks to weaken it wherever they can. They're probably the only group of people in the Imperium who have realized that fact.
Song
(tune)
The eye that sleepth not.
The Inquisition (Let's begin)
The Inquisition (Look out, sin)
We have a mission
To kill all the Xenos (Xenos, Xe-e-nos)
We're gonna teach them (Wrong from right)
We're gonna help them (See the light)
And make an offer that they can't refuse.
(That the Xenos just can't refuse)
Confess, don't be boring
Say yes, don't be dull
A fact you're ignoring
It's better to lose your schlicktau than your skull (Or your gavalt)
The Inquisition (What a show)
The Inquisition (Here we go)
We know you're wishing that we'd go away
But the Inquisition's here and it's here to stay
The Inquisition (Oh boy)
The Inquisition (What joy)
The Inquisition (Oi oi)
I was posting down in /tg/, I was minding my own business
I was about to post some Loli Daemonette.
Then these Ordos Hereticus persons plunge in
And they throw me in a dungeon
And they shove a red hot poker up my ass.
Is that considerate?
Is that polite?
And not a tube of Preparation H in sight.
I'm sittin' flickin' daemons
And I'm lookin' through the thickens
When suddenly these guys break down my walls.
I didn't even know them
And they grabbed me by the scrotum
And they started playing Ping Pong with my balls.
Oh, the agony!
Ooh, the shame!
To make my privates public by a game!
The Inquisition (What a show)
The Inquisition (Here we go)
We know you're wishing that we'd go away
But the Inquisition's here and it's here to-
Hey, Torquemada!
What do you say?
I just got back from the auto-de-fe,
Auto-de-fe? What's the auto-de-fe?
It's what you oughtn't to do but you do anyway!
Skit scat doodlebac doodle be bay
Will you convert?
NO NO NO NO!
Will you confess?
NO NO NO NO!
Will you revert?
NO NO NO NO!
Will you say YES?
NO NO NO NO!
Now I asked in a nice way
I said pretty please
I bent their ears
Now I'll work on the knees
Hey Torquemada
Walk this way
We got a new game you might want to play!
Pull this handle, try your luck
Who knows, Torque, you might win a buck! (All right)
Put it in the car!
(In the car! In the car!)
How we doing? Any Heretics confess today?
Not a one! Nay Nay Nay!
We've flattened their fingers,
We've branded their buns.
Nothing is working!
SEND IN THE NUNS WITH GUNS!
The Inquisition (What a show)
The Inquisition (Here we go)
We know you're wishing that we'd go away
So come on all you Heretics and you Xenos
We got some big news for all of yous
You'd better change your point of views today
'Cause the Inquisition's here and it's here to stay!
(bet you weren't expecting that song, either!)
