Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer

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The standard book carried by ALL Imperial Guardsmen. The book, like the steel balls, is standard issue to all recruits. Failure to present it upon request may result in getting shot. There is even a page with a small white square on it, and if said square is in any way defiled or marked then the owner would be immediately and thoroughly executed. This Book basically tells the infantryman that his weapons are the best in the universe and WILL kill anything with ONE shot. It also tells such helpful things like Eldar Shurikens being unable to penetrate Flak armor (total lie), Orks being small and stupid (bigger lie, at least at the small part.), or most hilariously; Genestealers being slow and sluggish (to which every terminator marine in the galaxy promptly laughed his ass off.) For an experienced Guard veteran, the only comfort that the primer provides is in cleaning up after a visit to the restroom and MSTing when the commissar isn't around.

Although it could be argued that is the whole purpose of the primer. Freedom of print is relatively spotty in the God Emperor's realm but all the stuff about how Xenos are puny and weak could be just keep the inevitable civilian reader from crapping himself in fear. Few regiments of the IG are without a veteran cadre that would be quick to explain to the FNGs (Frakking New Guys) that Orks are actually quite clever and agile, Eldar shurikens will reduce to you lunch meat regardless of your flak vest, genestealers will get all up in your grill and rip you apart before you can blink, and that while a Lasgun can kill anything in the galaxy in one shot, it's better to be thorough and shoot it a few dozen more times. As such the primer is an allusionary form of satire...maybe.

Actual Contents of Value

Despite much of the above (and a lot of what the above lists is not exaggeration), the Primer actually has a great deal of genuinely useful information in it. Included useful segments include:

• Numerous prayers and hymnals to the God-Emperor of Mankind
• Numerous bits of insight on tactics, weapon analysis, and how to keep oneself sane in a given war. Included are segments from the Tactica Imperium, information on how to set frag grenades as booby-traps, how to operate, maintain, and modify lasguns, and numerous bits of information explaining why it's so important that the Imperium of Man send millions to die all across the Segmentum Solar (tactical importance of the current campaign in terms that the grunts can understand, so they fight with more clarity of purpose)
• Why the Commissar is there to help you and not simply execute your ass to be a dick (mileage may vary)
• Helpful suggestions on how to impress the aforementioned Commissar with suicidally-brave acts of heroism
• Why the ruinous powers are bad and why you should put your faith in the Emprah
• Correct ways to conduct fieldcraft and trench warfare
• The propver use on how to take cover and use said cover in a fight (*GASP* THEY USE COVER!?)
• Information on demolition and sabotage tasks when attacking xeno equipment
• Why the dreaded space communists are bad and eat babies
• Why the Eldar are untrustworthy fucks
• Why leading by example is important (I.E. how to grow the Guardsman standard-issue stainless steel balls. It's a lot like a Chia-pet.)
• Jokes and mocking of the enemy. (The infamous "Prayer of Stealth")

Gallery

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  The Primer contains all sorts of information, from the useful...

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  ...to the distinctly unhelpful.