Field Kit Inspection

Field Kit Inspection is a bout of autistic crack-infused roleplay that follows the near-heretical misadventures of the almost always loyal "Unknown Regiment" and its efforts to destroy the enemies of Mankind, in the grim-darkness of the far future.

An average inspection, pictured moments before going horribly wrong.

Each thread typically starts with Commissar Knochenmus bringing together the regiment, under the premise of something happening, before quickly divulging into utter Chaos and heresy.

Characters

Active Duty

No regiment, no matter how loyal or astounding, can get anywhere without men and women to grease the wheels and fill the body bags. This section describes those who have yet to meet their obligation of dying for the Emperor.

• Lieutenant Captain Major Lieutenant Colonel Mattias Wyvern Currently the commander of the Unknown Regiment. Matthias formally started as the CO of second platoon, for the regiment's fourth infantry company, before gradually making his way up to Lieutenant Colonel. A proud Praetorian, and a cheerful man by nature. Matthias has been with the regiment since day one, when he was accidentally (much to his dismay), shipped to the regiment, with no way of returning to his own regiment, and an outright refusal of any request to send him back. After a series of rather strange events and occurrences that not even an Inquisitor could pry from him, both Matthias and Rias Greymane, began dating, before eventually getting married during the regiment's stay on Praetoria. Recent events have seen him be awarded with the honour of the Macharian Cross, for his recent uses of the Tactica Imperialius.

Name:	Pts	M	WS	BS	S	T	W	A	Ld	Sv
Captain Matthias Wyvern	80	6"	3+	2+	3	3	5	3	9	4+

Weapon	Range	Type	S	AP	D	Abilities
Power sword	Melee	Melee	User	-3	1	N/A
Hotshot Lasgun	18"	Rapid Fire 1	3	-2	1	N/A
Hot-shot Laspistol	12"	Pistol 1	3	-2	1	N/A
Frag Grenade	6"	Grenade d6	3	0	1	N/A
Krak Grenade	6"	Grenade 1	6	-1	D3	N/A
Abilities	Voice of Command Refractor Field Senior Officer: This model may use the Voice of Command ability twice in each of your turns. Resolve the effect of the first order before issuing the second order. Heart of Praetoria: reroll all failed hit and wound rolls, when using "First Rank! Fire! Second rank! Fire!" Voice of Command ability.

• Magos Gelt The totally non heretek from the Cyclothrathe daemon forge world. Has been exposing Mur to as much Tzeentchian stuff as he can get his hands on as part of a science experiment. Has a seemingly endless supply of Tachyon arrows. Was once an interrogator under Inquisitor Quixos. Still has the =][= symbol even if its no longer valid, because no one ever checks.

Name:	Pts	M	WS	BS	S	T	W	A	Ld	Sv
Magos Gelt:	70	6"	3+	2+	4	4	5	3	8	3+

• Sergeant van Kleez Vox operator for the Commissar's unit, Van Kleez was assigned to the regiment after being 'promoted' from his posting on Armageddon with the Savlar Chem-Dogs. He's long since stopped trying to understand what various heretical, chaotic and/or xenos bullshit is going on within the unit, and spends a large proportion of his time off his tits on whatever substances happen to be to hand. He's never seen without his bulky respirator, which is dotted with a number of ports and intakes to better allow him to consume various chemicals. He was recently awarded the Eagle Ordinary, which he probably didn't deserve. Due to a strange twist of fate, he is one of the finest non-Astartes swordsmen in the Imperium, following private tuition from a certain Primarch.

Name:	Pts	M	WS	BS	S	T	W	A	Ld	Sv
Sergeant van Kleez	18	6"	2+	4+	3	4	1	2	7	5+

Weapon	Range	Type	S	AP	D	Abilities
Hot-shot Laspistol	12"	Pistol 1	3	-2	1	N/A
Vox-caster	If a friendly Officer is within 3" of Van Kleez when using their Voice of Command ability, you may extend the range of the order to 18" if the target unit also contains a vox-caster.
Stolen Ice Pick	Melee	Melee	User	-3	1	N/A

• Gunnery Sergeant Lieutenant Rias 'Scarlet' Greymane Wyvern Supposedly a guardswoman of Cadian descent. Yet no one can seem to find any information on her in the Regiment's archives... Her case isn't helped by the fact that she often keeps her face and long hair hidden behind a Krieg style skull gasmask and helmet. She was promoted to the Regiment's Quartermaster by the Commissar, after the last one died from a heart attack due to paperwork related stress issues. She was gifted a Necron Gauss rifle disguised as a Plasma gun by the Magos and a Ultramarine powerfist by a lucky trooper. She has recently started wearing a silver ring, in addition to her usual kit. She and Matthias Wyvern were recently united in the holy bonds on matrimony.

Name:	Pts	M	WS	BS	S	T	W	A	Ld	Sv
Lieutenant Greymane:	85	6"	3+	3+	5	4	3	3	8	5+

Weapon	Range	Type	S	AP	D	Abilities
Power Fist	Melee	Melee	X2	-3	D3	N/A
Plasma Pistol	When attacking with this weapon, choose one of the profiles below.
Normal	12"	Pistol 1	7	-3	1	N/A
Super Charged	12"	Pistol 1	8	-3	2	On a hit roll of 1, the bearer is slain
Frag Grenade	6"	Grenade d6	3	0	1	N/A
Krak Grenade	6"	Grenade 1	6	-1	D3	N/A

• Private Corporal Sergeant Vu Chen A Trai Dat Guerrilla, Vu Chen is adept at scouting and laying traps for the enemies of man. His favorite is a pit with punji spikes covered by a layer of leaves, or a tripwire attached to a krak grenade. He was recently awarded with both the Eagle Ordinary, and Medallion Crimson medals, for valour and bravery, along with a promotion to Corporal.

Corporal Vu Chen:	Pts	M	WS	BS	S	T	W	A	Ld	Sv
Private Vu Chen	12	6"	4+	4+	3	3	1	2	7	5+

Weapon	Range	Type	S	AP	D	Abilities
Lasgun	24"	Rapid Fire 1	3	0	1	N/A
Frag Grenade	6"	Grenade d6	3	0	1	N/A
Krak Grenade	6"	Grenade 1	6	-1	D3	N/A

• Viktor Morvos An adept of the Adeptus Administratum, he was accidentally shipped into the hangar of the Eagle's Fury instead of the war torn hive world he was needed at. Within 5 minutes, he had been drugged by an infiltrator, and within 6 hours he had been subjected to a beating that would make the most jaded of prison shankers cringe, resulting in 90% of his body being replaced with cybernetics. Off to a good start already. Awarded the Eagle Ordinary for not being that much of a bitch and the Medallion Crimson for getting the everloving fuck beaten out of him. Might be a mafioso now.

• Brutus A true loyal soldier of the imperium dedicated to the fine art of construction. He sees perfection in ceramite and finds war to be the most glorious muse in his sturdy constructions. Also is a genestealer aberrant.

Name:	Pts	M	WS	BS	S	T	W	A	Ld	Sv
Brutus	60	6"	2+	6+	6	4	4	3	8	5+

Weapon	Range	Type	S	AP	D	Abilities
Big Brutus	Melee	Melee	X2	-3	3	When attacking with this weapon you must subtract 1 from hit rolls made with it.
Little Brutus	Melee	Melee	User	-1	1	Hit rolls of 6+ made using this weapon are resolved at an AP of -4.

• Sorcerer Krux the Destroyer A 9 foot tall Catachan monster, now corrupted to Tzeentch, that might as well be chaos crocodile dundee. Has fucking HUGE muscles that make him capable of lifting a Primarch, although as of now he has been weakened.. Aided the team at the Battle of Dracolese, and made a quick escape as the entire planet was about to be exterminatus'd. Swears by his fuckhueg machete, and his custom autocannon he calls "Light's out", mainly because they are loaded with explosive shells capable of destroying a leman russ. He has since lost this Autocannon.. His machete, (he claims) Is better than any other melee weapon ever created, and can cut through solid titanium like butter. You probably don't wanna get into a fight with him. Was recently corrupted by a bedlam staff, which activated his latent psychic powers. He is now a grand sorcerer of Tzeentch, but has a lot of training to go before he reaches his full potential. The Bedlam staff weakened him, but his mental power got increased significantly. He is now on a long path of power, and he intends to keep going up. He will no doubt get stronger, but as he gets stronger the more corrupted he becomes. There will soon be no turning back.

Name:	Pts	M	WS	BS	S	T	W	A	Ld	Sv
Sorcerer Krux the Destroyer'	150	7"	2+	+3	3	4	6	3	8	3+

Weapon	Range	Type	S	AP	D	Abilities
Bedlam Staff	Melee	Melee	+2	-2	D3	On a roll of a 6 to hit with this weapon, do not roll to wound. Instead, the target suffers d3 mortal wound. If the target is slain as a result of this, the target is turned into a Pink Horror

• Priest Michael A loyal priest of the regiment, Michael leads the regiment to adventure and greatness under the watchful eye of the emperor! He has an obsession with sticking absurd amounts of purity seals on everything he deems heretical and is largely responsible to rooting out chaotic taint.

• Sergeant Wolfe Having not risen to prominence until recently, Wolfe began seemingly only existing as a mere Conscript, however, despite the low life expectancy of his rank, rose above to Sergeant due to acts of Valor, potential for command, and risking his life for his fellow Guardsmen. Close friends with Sergeant van Kleez, he seems to be the only one to treat him decently. Oddly, he never seems to speak unless it is important. When he does, however, people tend to sometimes listen.

Name:	Pts	M	WS	BS	S	T	W	A	Ld	Sv
Sergeant Wolfe	12	6"	4+	4+	3	3	1	2	7	5+

Weapon	Range	Type	S	AP	D	Abilities
Lasgun	24"	Rapid Fire 1	3	0	1	N/A
Frag Grenade	6"	Grenade d6	3	0	1	N/A
Krak Grenade	6"	Grenade 1	6	-1	D3	N/A

• Barrington Von Gladstone A praetorian who was retired after his service, but decided to return as life after military service was boring to him, so he decided to join the Unknown regiment. A friendly, upbeat and optimistic sort of man who enjoys the "Thrill of the hunt". So far his greatest achievment in the regiment was taking out three traitor terminators and taking their heads before Michael would attempt to steal the trophies and making copies for fireplace...also pictures, but no worries, he gave of them to some unnamed techpriest.

• Fulgrim Papa Fulgrim is the last known operating loyalist primarch and he is one of the most incredible being to ever exist. Fulgrim is most noted for teaching Van Kleez how to properly use a sword, elevating him to become one of the greatest swordsmen in the entire galaxy. Keeps on calling him 'son', to his slight discomfort.

• Jefferson An ex-pianist-turned grotesque by the dark eldar haemonculi named Renfar. Joined the regiment when they went to a mission ot get some fuel from the station(They failed)as he was stuck there in a cage as a sort of joke. Dreams of once again persuing his career and becoming a galaxy renowned pianist.

MIA

Eventually, every regiment succumbs to it. Personnel occasionally go missing during combat, whether due to going AWOL, or being captured by the enemy. Sometimes, it's just because people aren't around enough, so the Munitorum lists then as MIA. This is a list of such people. Characters should only be put here, if their player hasn't been around for several months.

• Gobels Coque A private from Cadia who has a knack for finding various weapons and artifacts of varying importance and origin including but not limited to: the Commissar's personal Thunder Hammer, a suit of Ultramarine Tactical Dreadnought Armor, a Necron Hyperphase Sword, and The Emperor's Sword. Eventually he was "borrowed" by Trazyn the Infinite.

• Techpriest Rho A junior but earnest techpriest, inducted into the regiment after his homeworld was exterminatus'd. Has yet to become as full of cybernetics as his peers, and thus far is still mostly flesh and bone. Somewhat nervous of all the various horrible things that seem to happen around the regiment, but calms down when back to simple technology and skulls everywhere. Terrible at fighting and prefers to hide away plinking with a pistol at most. Even more terrible at biologis work, but has a talent for dealing with machine spirits. Probably has a technology fetish, but come on he's a techpriest what did you expect? Vanished mysteriously after being taken on a magical pirate adventure.

KIA

All regiments have their losses whether at the hands of the enemy or as a result of in field summary execution. Here is a list of those lost during the missions. Lost, but not forgotten.

• 3rd Company Captain "MUR" the World Eater The captain of the Unknown Legion, he has only recently joined this suicide mission, surprisingly of his own volition. After following the Commissar [puny man] into battle with a few knife ears he was gifted "Axei" and "Mel", two possessed weapons containing two daemons of Tzeentch, by Magos Gelt [Cog man]. Was captured by Dark Eldar, and has become a pit fighter in the arenas of Commoragh. He has been listed as KIA.

• Imperial Knight Godfrey Maxon Inexplicably appeared on a paradise world thinking it was an active war zone and joined the Unknown Regiment. Died to chaos AA guns while trying to drop onto a Mechanicus planet. His Knight was then dragged through several miles of forest before being abducted by the Mechanicus along with the rest of the regiment.

• Corporal Hamounds Literally the swarmlord. Seems to have inexplicably appeared aboard the space hulk and donned the worst disguise ever, yet it was good enough for the Commissar to not bat an eye. Goes through about 5 different names per kit inspection and causes huge catastrophes every time he is involved in anything, even if it's fucking karaoke. Died multiple times but regenerated himself instantly for no reason. Promoted by the Commissar for reasons that cannot be explained. After an intense battle with one of the regiment's Tech-priests. He was vented out of the ship, and into the Warp, where he was consumed by Daemons.

• Private Notas Pawn A thing that shall not be named pretending to be a guardsman and can communicate only by SCREEECHing, was killed by praetorian guards because tech priest failed to hack the cameras.

• Bone 'ead Rogg The greatest and bravest ogryn to ever live (or so he thinks). Previously a regular run of the mill ogryn, this ogryn generated insane conspiracy theroies about messages hidden in a word search after tasked to solve it by the commissar. This drove the weak-minded being almost insane and convinced him that ratlings had taken over the imperium of man and the only way to stop them was to kill a ratling by the name of gland. Talked in an incredibly thick slurring of words that made it almost impossible to dechiper what he had said. This instance of rogg was soon lost after taking a sniper wound to the head from a ratling sniper rifle. After some of the least impressive surgery ever, Rogga woke up and started shit-talking everyone while talking about bullying the poor. Eventually rogga would become a necron and in an alternate universe destroy the entirety of praetoria. In the current timeline he would smash his head into a rock and reawaken rogg who would then get his arms blasted off by a morkanaut. After having one of his legs ripped off accidentally by a Rak'gol pirate he would be exectuted by medicinal incompetence but mostly the hospitaliers bolt pistol.

• Techpriest Vaithilingham Vanderdelgus Hailing from the pleasure world of Reth, Vanderdelgus managed to combine the laziness of a Rethillian with the borderline heresy of a techpriest into an amalgamation of lethargy and idiocy. He was inducted into the Regiment after falling asleep in the lower levels of the Eagle's Fury, and due to a combination of laser blasts and car crashes, lost enough brain cells to decide to stay. Achievements include shooting himself in the eye the first time he fired a laspistol, crashing a limousine worth more than most men would see in 100 lifetimes within 5 seconds of driving it, and staying as pale as a sheet of paper despite coming from a planet where it's sunny literally all year round. Died when the titan he was piloting (poorly) was destroyed due to being corrupted by Nurgle, whilst listening to Cyndi Lauper and being useless.

• Rag'alen the Rusty A Rak'Gol pirate who's much less bloodthirsty than his bretheren and may be the only one of his kind capable of speaking low gothic. He uses word's "Arr", "Yarr" and "Harr" in every sentence and has access to a lot of rum and alien drugs he smuggled abroad. He was subsequently killed when a Titan(which he found on an ork ship) blew up near him. The shrapnel from its destoryed body, cutting his head in half

• Chief Telepathica Psyker Halls A new Psyker into the regiment. Most notably dealt the final blow to an incoming Patriarch using smite on him. Is known for his humbleness and kindness to his peers. He often ponders on his existence and sometimes questions everything he knows but that doesn't stop him from helping his team. Is capable of everything but casting powers reliably and making people happy. Is probably one of the main reasons the entire regiment hasn't died yet. Recently got promoted to Chief Telepathica Psyker, and continues to fight through the hordes of chaos and xenos undesirables alike. His body and soul were consumed by the Perils of the warp.

• Corsair Prince Osiros A corsair prince that is not technically part of the regiment but nobody cares. Is a complete lightweight when it comes to alcohol and sometimes fails to remember if he is drunk. Is skilled in divination and telepathy. Achievements include breaking all laws in the imperial book of judgement, selling rocks in place of soul stones to the dark eldar and losing a collection of legendary relics to some grots. After a series of retarded events, namely the purchase and subsequent use of a vampire raider transport, the evacuation of said transport as soon as it was hit, flying down towards the ground and exploding an entire building while in freefall with telekinesis, the summoning of an army of giant insects, the making of one of those insects invisible, the making of one of those insects levitate, he was forced to leave the regiment due to breaking any sense of danger the regiment could ever encounter and also being retarded. He then mysteriously disappeared. Never to be seen again.

• Ars'andog A Stryx merchant who joined the regiment in the name of profit. As any known stryx he can sell anything short of a titan, his most expensive transaction to date was selling an eldar Vampire Raider to Osiros(which he then crashed immediatly), whom he hates because he's an eldar. He also lost an eye in his first engagement. His notable behavior in the battlefield is fleeing wherever things go south and using his pet bug to fight for him when they aren't going south. His biggest achievment of heroism is evacuating 20 civilians and, unwillingly, saving the third company, which he was forced to do because of a very annoying priest, this ended with his shuttle ending up very damaged. But guards come and go, and the risk to join the regiment for profit was a fatal one, as he was devoured by mawloc, but after a little struggle, he decided to deny the beast it's meal by blowing himself up...except he was cloned by his lawyer and now works in a nice office in a pact fleet

• Astropath Grov Resident Astropath and an odd addition to the regiment. Tends to hide rather than fight, and is reluctant to do his actual job. Has an odd habit of complimenting people for their attire or hairstyle (most often with heavy dose of sarcasm mixed in) despite being blind. Good at dodging certain death. Thus far his greatest achievement was surviving a tankard of Gorsk White Gyn. In his last days, showed odd, pseudo-Heretical behavior. His true loyalties, motives and allegiances were lost with his death during the exterminatus of Dracolese. All that remained to prove he had once been in the regiment, was a lone package of Nutri-Slurry with his name taped on it.

• Commissar Arthur Knochenmus The new Commissar in town. Knochenmus was assigned to the regiment shortly after its creation, and mere hours after its commanding Officer Colonel Erigs died in an unfortunate suicidal accident. He is considered (mostly by himself) to be a tactical genius of incredible proportions, and sees loyalty and purity in even the most heretical of men. Often leading to confusion from the actual loyalists in the regiment. Was killed during the evacuation of Televus IV

• Belasya An eldar corsairess who lost bet to Osiros and was forced to join the regiment for three months as a result. Quite a bit of her was replaced with prosthetics after the battle with terminators and she is also a sororitas cheerleader sent to the regiment to raise morale she also pretends to be a cheerleader to get Michael off her back. Now she left the regiment after three months and kicked Osiros in his family jewels. After that Osiras tried(and failed) to use his bullshit warp powers to have revenge, he mostly failed. It ended up with him covering both of them in compost.

Mission Log

A collection of mission reports filed away by the men women and assorted xenos of the Unknown Regiment.

Mission 1

The regiment receives its first shipment of recruits and is sent to investigate an ork incursion near a local hive.

Mission 2

After the discovery of looted Eldar tech from the orks, the regiment (after some deliberation and many conflicting orders) strikes an Eldar encampment to great effect, before being unexpectedly picked up by a shuttle for redeployment. The new recruits get stranger.

Mission 3

The regiment is shocked by reports of a traitor in their midst. Much infighting ensues between the various traitors and heretics within the regiment. The investigation is inconclusive.

Mission 4

We go to a fucking space hulk, we don't get paid enough for this shit. Anywho, while we are there we kill a filthy xeno that infiltrated our ranks and blow the hulk to kingdom come. Let's hope next time is better..... HAHAHAHAHA NOPE

Mission 5

NOBODY EXPECTS THE INQUISITION and that's what happens, and it turns out there are more Inquisitors in the regiment than just the Ordo Malleus agent that's shown up...

Mission 6

The Unknown Regiment arrives on a deserted penal mining world to investigate where everyone has gone. Turns out there were Dark Eldar and some pests the Magos had to fix - boy, did he look sour when he came out of the sewers. But anywho, the Lieutenant Wyvern called in the location of some Dark Eldar raiders that had captured the governor's palace, and the regiment went on the attack. The fighting was fierce and many were laid low, exacting a heavy toll on the enemy, but as the battle closed the [dice] gods decided to have a laugh at the World Eater MUR and he was captured. Who knows what will happen next?

Mission 7

Beach vacation fuck yeah! The Unknown Regiment takes a day off, an Imperial Knight arrives and gets bored, many sand castles are built and karaoke breaks the laws of physics. Nobody knows what's really happening but nobody cares either.

Mission 8

The regiment are deployed on a Mechanicus world recently fallen to Chaos hands and gloriously reclaim it for the Imperium. Except they don't and instead crash almost immediately, get their Imperial Knight blown up by Chaos marines worshipping a mysterious god named 'Criticus', and a three way Magos war ends with a Tyranid bioship obliterating the camp. The entire regiment is then abducted by Skitarii.

Mission 9

A thief is loose in the regiment, and has raided the Commissar's liquor supply. Soon enough, the culprit is found: a certain loyal trooper who just so happens to be a Swarmlord, that the Commissar had somehow failed to notice. He is summarily executed, which causes an eruption of genestealers from the kitchen basement. After a tense battle, the Patriarch is slain, but not before the Swarmlord's corpse is dragged into the dark below...

Mission 10

Our mighty Strike Cruiser, "The Eagle's Fury" is incapacitated and stuck drifting in the void due to a damaged warp drive. The regiment is tasked to retrieve the replacement parts from a nearby Space hulk. Of course, things immediately go wrong. With Senior Magos Szarek insulting the intelligence of "Not Corporal Hamounds". This leads to him being challenged to a game of Paradox Billiards Vostroyan Roulette 4th Dimensional Hypercube Chess Strip poker, for the honour of the tyranids MINUTES BEFORE DEPLOYMENT ON A CRUCIAL MISSION. After the Swarmlord resets the game twice by abusing fibre jar, he is defeated and then banished to Ultramar. Meanwhile the rest of the regiment decides to actually start the mission and run into a shitton of Orks.

The regiment beats the Orks with no losses, and our resident Psyker gets mopey due to not getting the respect he deserves. The Orks set the air on fire and then vent the majority of the hulk, before everyone gets depressed and Techpriest Rho has awkward pity sex with a wall socket. The Ork Warboss, T'umb Krush'ah, is eventually defeated and the warp drive, along with an entire spa, is looted and taken back to the Ship.

Mission 11

The "Eagle's Fury", despite being a relatively 'new' ship, is deemed to be a disaster in the making. The various beings of the regiment are ordered to clean and repair the ship before an inspection. A DJing dreadnought awakens on board for a time, as well as a first appearance of an exceptionally lewd hospitalier. A fight between Szarek and Hamounds goes horrifically wrong however and causes a breach in the hull, causing both their deaths and the destruction of a ruststalker.

As well as causing a Gellar Field failure, resulting in just about every chaos god's followers to show up including Ahriman and Lucius themselves. Presumably from the TTSD-verse, as they were shortly savaged by a warp spawn and shot until forced to flee respectively without causing much damage. From being ordered to clean up the ship, the Regiment caused even more damage and mess with mass casualties. Did anyone really expect anything else?

Mission 12

The regiment is towed into orbit around the hive world of Praetoria after the heavy damage that the Eagle's Fury sustained en-route to its next campaign. From there, a Praetorian General boards and inspects the ship, before offering to let the regiment stay at his guest house due to his son being a company commander. But the regiment's surprise vacation isn't all fun and games as they had hoped it to be: a dastardly assassination attempt upon the Wyvern family occurs, only to have been narrowly thwarted by the actions of a handful of of the regiment's finest.

Mission 13

After their leave on Praetoria, the regiment is sent to purge an ice world of the Ork menace. Nobody dresses appropriately, everyone is cold and miserable and Rogg becomes a popsicle. A horde of Orks on makeshift snowmobiles attacks the regiment, and only retreats after abducting some hapless guardsmen through the use of tow cables. People narrowly avoid death, receive horrible injuries and a mysterious talking sword is found then promptly ignored and used to throw snowballs. The snowball fight is interrupted by the appearance of a Mork(or maybe Gork)anaut on the horizon. The Commissar Cadet is turned into soup and Rogg loses most of his limbs before being shot, but eventually the Morkanaut is destroyed in a fiery explosion. The regiment retires to the mess hall where various flavours of xeno pirates appear, and everyone eats stew while getting very drunk and high. Van Kleez receives traumatic chest surgery on a mess table, with the help of ORK MAGIKZ, then relentlessly bullies the person who just saved his life.

Mission 14

The regiment is still on hoth and needs to purge the orks after taking serious losses against them. This difficult task is not aided by most of the regiment deciding to not do their job and instead go on a pirate adventure. The gang, lead by an eldar corsair, invades an ork ship and starts shooting up the place. Once they start looting the ship the corsair finds some sponge pipes and the actual pirate finds a reaver titan in the closet. After inexplicably taking it back to the planet the corsair; who is still on board; got into a fight with a perpetual and decides to just crash the ship into the planet and teleport off. Back on hoth the day had already been won and the reaver titan gets corrupted by a daemon host. Both are destroyed and the gang escapes just in time for the eldar pirate to be molested by a hrud.

Mission 15

Part 1 of the garbage fire chronicles

Interrupting the regiment from going to the casino world Nevida, the regiment was called to dracolese, which was recently invaded by the arch enemy, chaos. After Illya giving Viktor PTSD, the regiment was about ready to fight on Dracolese. After getting into the dropships, dropping, and many teeth smashing, the regiment was finally on Dracolese. Primaris Psyker Halls would get promoted by the Astra Telepathica to Chief Telepathica Psyker Halls, zapping away at the cultists mercilessly. Suddenly, the regiment came under fire by the Black Legion. After much warp lightning, bullets, and blood, the black legion would be defeated... for now... After merciless murders by Illya while doing surgery, the regiment would get a long desired rest.

Mission 16

Part 2 of the garbage fire chronicles

The corsair gets an entire vampire raider delivered to him which goes as well as it sounds as many long surviving members of the regiment are promoted. The siege of dracolese continues as many bombers get shot down whilst the eldar somewhat retardedly decides to fly his raider directly into the city. It is of course immediately shot down and as the eldar falls to the ground he destroys an entire building.

Meanwhile the rest of the regiment is doing something vaguely useful and fighting the enemy directly whilst an inquisitor is completely useless. The fighting gets tense as many soldiers fall but eventually a magic giant bug is summoned out of thin air and is given the ability to levitate. Soon a closet is found and the regiment is given the task of opening it. It takes ages but eventually some sort of bureaucrat is found inside before orks invade.

The regiment mostly falls back to city limits and regroups at the shopkeeper.

The hospitalier soon claims another victim as an ill fated rescue attempt ends in ambiguity and confusion, with the corsair ruining everything once again

Mission 18

There was only one Warp-route back to Terra from here. Just a straight out high speed burn through Segmentums Obscurus and Solar. Then onto the Terran Spaceroute, straight into frantic oblivion. Just another madman, in the Empire of Madness. We'd gone in search of the Imperial Dream. It was a lame fuckaround, a waste of time. There was no point in looking back, fuck no, not today, thank you kindly. My heart was filled with joy, I felt like a monster reincarnation of a primarch. A man on the move, just sick enough to be totally confident.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XT72CgEJQNQ