Emperor's To-Do List

The Emperor's list of Things to do after Resurrection

The God-Emperor of Mankind has been taking a bit of a breather lately, but don't think that he has stopped caring and looking after humanity. As a matter of fact, the Adeptus Custodes happens to have this reassuring list of things that the Emperor intends to do once he's finished taking a little nap, and had a good breakfast.

It is a known and heretical fact that the Emperor will one day be reborn as the "star child" in the event he should finally die, as foretold by Tzeentch. Since this is Chaotic knowledge, the Adeptus Custodes will have none of it. When will it happen you ask? Simple: When Games Workshop finally decides to think logically and advance their stagnant plotl*BLAM*

We humbly apologize for exposing you to a viable corruption, please disregard any blasphemous nonsense about a Starchild. If you are troubled, upset or disturbed by what you just heard, or if you are experiencing any symptoms such as colours seeming more intense or strange exotic smells, please speak to your local morale officer.

A Cautionary Note

The Adeptus Custodes has done it's best to make sure this to-do list reaches the hands of every Imperial citizen undisturbed and without tampering. Tampering with this list is considered treasonous, as it subverts the true will of his Holiness the Emperor in raising morale of mankind across the Imperium. Should tampered copies of this list be discovered, the Inquisition shall be notified.

+ Thought for the day: Truth is the brightest light in the darkness of space. +

This article has been approved by your local Commissar. +Amplus Palma Pro Terra!+

The List

1. Get better power armor.
2. Wipe out the Imperiu-HERESY!
3. Rebuild the Imperium to it's former glory so it is not fucktarded like it is now.
4. Make peace with the Tau and trade technology with them then kill them afterwards for being weeaboo Xeno-communists.
5. Make peace with the Eldar and trade technology with them then wipe them out afterwards for being treacherous Xenos.
6. Pacify the Orks and keep them alive for gladiator sports or target practice for the Space Marines.
7. Put the Dark Eldar in Rehab. then eliminate them afterwards for being foul Xenos.
8. Wipe out the C'tan.
9. Wipe out the Necrons.
10. Teach the Tau how to fight in Melee. Then when they totally forget about their ranged weapons then *BLAM* them with our Bolters!
11. Purge Chaos from the universe and seal the Eye of Terror.
12. Tell the Sisters of Battle they can have sex with men and not to be pedophiles anymore. or be dyke lezbos. Which would be great if it weren't for the fact that there's no rules against Sisters of Battle having sex with men. Nor have there ever been.
13. Teach the Commisars NOT to kill the Guardsmen they're leading! Commend the Commissars on a job well done.
14. Marry Macha and fuck the Eldar out of her! Then have 40,000 babies with her!!!!!!!!!! -Deemed as #1 Priority by Creed and the Blood Ravens (particularly by Gabriel Angelos and Indrick Boreale.)
    (wait, how did Creed get in here and scribble on my to-do list? CREEEEEEEEEED!) The Emperor hated aliens as much as he hated Chaos. Fact, that part wasn't cooked up by the Highlords.
15. Eat a live Carnifex without the aid of sauces.
16. Eat another Carnifex with the aid of sauces.
17. Further expand the Warhammer 40K storyline without the interference of Games Workshop.
18. Destroy the enemies of the Imperium...WITH FIRE! Let the Galaxy burn if needed.
19. Teach the Imperial Guard generals some actual tactics other than sending thousands of Guardsmen to take a hill outpost.
20. Tell the Adeptus Mechanicus to stop keeping secrets.and threaten to Exterminatus Mars if they don't.
21. Replace the Imperial Guardsmen Flashlights Lasguns with something that can actually do shit! Guardsmen with Pulse Rifles HELL YEA!!!!!
22. Gather every Guardsman, Astartes, Inquisition dudes, Sororitas, Commissars.. heck everyone in the Imperium of Man, give them weapons, have them surround the Eye of Terror and then let the Greatest of all Holy shitstorms ensue.
23. Personally execute Fulgrim, Pertutabo, Agaron and the rest of them traitor Primarchs.. after the Inquisition have given them a proper torturing.
24. Beat Khorne in an arm wrestling match, then rip his arm off and beat him to death with it!
25. Show Slaneesh my dick and watch as he kills himself because of envy!
26. Hug Papa Nurgule and remain pure.
27. Devise a scheme so elaborate and complex that I'll be the one to say "Just as planned" to Tzeentch.
28. Outdick Eldrad. Then screw his daughter in front of him! Again!
29. Issue a order to the Inquisition and the Commissariat that Porn is not Heresy. However, fantasizing about porn is giving in to excess so it's still heresy; all porn is to be given to your local Commissar for review. Watching porn in the first place is giving one's self to excess and is thus, heresy.
30. Go back in time and tell the dumb fuck at Games Workshop who fucked up the 5th Edition of Codex Astartes that "He's doing it wrong.", the dude to made the Imperial Guard better that "He's doing it right." then go to the guy who decided to give the Guard flashlights and take him to the Inquisition to be properly tortured.
31. Recognize /tg/ for it's awesomeness. then wipe it off the face of Holy Terra for spawning half of the heresies we know today.
32. Permit Space Marines and Sisters of Battle to date. to breed and create an incorruptible warrior race that will serve in his my name. Well, the Astartes are call themselves my Sons, and the Sororitas say they're my Daughters... maybe this plan is a wee bit awkward? But I want grandkids and the last time I was a dad, my son Horus went and ruined Christmas for everybody.
    
33. Rename the Sisters of Battle to "Step-Daughters of the Emperor" or adopted daughters or something. They technically are not related to me the way the Astartes Primarchs are, and I don't want my boys to be too squicked... unless they're into that kind of kinky!
34. Be a better father to the rest of my sons, as not to spark another shitstorm that will inevitably cripple me for another few millenia.
35. Go on a deer-hunting trip with some Vindicare and kill bag more kills than him using an Exitus Rifle.
36. Overshadow an Eversor Assassin during his dynamic entry.
37. Deceive a Callidus Assassin with disguises and trick her into having a romantic relationship with me.
38. Outbrood a Cullexus Assasin and still remain awesome.
39. Deceive the C'tan false God "The Deceiver" by tricking him into destroying the Necrons.
40. Find out what if anything is chasing the Tyranids and see if they're friendly. If not: Launch the prototype promethium planetary bombardment torpedo.
41. Smack that sorry excuse for a "Spess Mehreen" Indrick Boreale for giving me the blasphemous nickname of "Emprah." C'mon Indrick, you want people to call you "Drick" for short?
42. Once again outdick Eldrad in the game of his choice, forcing him to ragequit.
43. Beat a Lord of Change Greater Daemon in a game of Chess with only 5 moves.
44. Make a better emergency life support system as a safeguard if things for some reason go south. By that I mean make some kinda Emperor Dreadnought or some shit like that so I can still do my job instead of all this being a decaying corpse on some tricked out toilet worshipped by the entire population... did I mention how much this sucks?
45. Outright skullfuck Slaneesh for making something so good be so wrong and heretical.
46. Eliminate masturbation across the Imperium and in its place have sanctioned sex workers as part of the socialized medical program because it is HERESY, and any fa/tg/uys caught doing it be sent to the Inquisitional training academy to be used as "test-subjects" for the Inquisitors in training, or sent of to Adeptus Mechanicus to be turned into servitors. so nobody will be stuck comforting themselves alone ever again.
47. Send search parties throughout the Empire to find that awesome excuse for a Space Viking, Leman Russ, and if he's found alive, hand his ass to him like I did before I got stuck on this throne.
48. Prove the existence of the Alpha Legion.
49. Expand the Imperium to a intergalactic empire. Tyranids had to have come from SOMEwhere habitable. They terraform planets to their liking. So even if there were planets that were habitable there's no guarantee that humans can live on them. And secondly that would be irrelevant because they would be consumed by the Tyranids anyway.
50. Create a special rule just for myself so that instead of just one unit as a scout, I field an ENTIRE REGIMENT'S worth of troops as scouts. (thus people will stop using Creed's name and will start saying EMPERRRRROOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRR!!1!!!one!!!!) We already do this.
51. Beat a Commissar at a Western-Style shootout. yee-haw!
52. Recognize the Legion of the Damned for their awesomeness and baddassery.
53. Apologize to Magnus for not listening to his warning.And afterwards,execute him for being a Traitor. Magnus deliberately disobeyed the Emperor and ruined centuries of planning.
54. Challenge Sly Marbo to a duel to decide who is the greatest being in the entire universe.
55. Beat a Tau Broadside battlesuit in ranged combat using only a lasgun.
56. Tear down the Ecclesiarchy. I Am Not A God, I am godly but not a god. I took offense when Lorgar started telling people this for a reason. Humanity has NO NEED for Gods. WE are the masters of OUR OWN DESTINY. Humanity should Seize our Destiny With our OWN TWO HANDs. Of course, faith in the Emprah is one of things that has kept Chaos at bay. Thus there is no practical reason to nullify this.
57. Clean house with the Administratum. How can we get shit done when we don't know how much we have to work with?
58. Dig out my office from all the paperwork/peat moss that has accumulated over the years decades Centuries Fucking Millenia. Not looking forward to this one.
59. Teach everyone the scientific method. Again.
60. Eat the Chaos Gods. Or brutalize them into line. Somehow...
61. Hunt down my Legendary Power Sword. Again.
62. Come up with a Name for my Legendary Power Sword.
63. Drag Leman Russ and Corax out of the Eye of Terror. Redundant.
64. Throw a WAAAGH
65. Invite the Orks to said WAAAGH.
66. Aim said WAAAGH at the Necrons/Tyranids.
67. Bring a camera.
68. Force the use of the term "Heresy" punishable by flogging unless adequately vali-HERE-Gahk.. HOW DARE YOU QUESTION HIS ORDERS?! HERETICAL TRAITOR Ahem, validat- WHAT ARE YOU! SOME KIND OF TAU COMMIE OR FUCKING WEABOO!? HERESY! *KABOOM* validated
69. ????
70. PROFIT.
71. Find Lion El'Jonson and get him back on the front line owning shit.
72. Resurrect Rogal Dorn.
73. Visit Roboute Guillaume and tell him to hurry the fuck up and fully heal.
74. Create a First Founding 2.0 to make the Angry Marines, Manly Marines and those other guys Except for the Pretty Marines canon.
75. Kill the Commissar responsable for fucking up this list SHIT HE KNOWS
76. Come up with more shit for The Emperor's list of Things to do after Resurrection 2.0 if things do go south for some reason and the Emprah-dread ain't ready yet.

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