Dwarf

Tordek, not the epitome of dwarfliness (dwarves aren't all rapists).

A dwarf (or more properly, Dorf) is a short guy who is made of muscle and beard and alcohol and awesome. No member of dwarf society can function without alcohol. Even their infants are made to chug a whole keg of ale down before Mommy ever lets the baby near her nipples (although, given the liquor intake of the average dwarven mother, she probably lactates eggnog). They like to live in dwarven fortresses. Dwarf characters should have one or a combination of the words "beer", "beard", "bronze", "stone", "Urist", "iron", "hammer", or "axe" in their names. A good example would Hammer McShieldbearded.

Dwarven Physiology

Dwarves typically consist of seventeen main organs: The beard, the boozehole, the gratuitous Scottish accent, 13 livers and an axe. Many outsiders erroneously dismiss a dwarf's axe as an implement of the most common trade, but recent experiments probing into dwarven society (and consuming dwarven booze) have revealed that it is in fact a rare biological example of a fully detachable organ.

The beard is used primarily for attracting mates, and probably something to do with converting argon gas into vitamin C. I mean, these guys live on mead and rocks, so they gotta get antioxidants somehow, right? We'll just go with that. Mainly the only notable thing to remember about dwarf beards is that when a pansy human and a dwarf argue over whether or not shaved chicks are better, they're probably not on the same page.

The thirteen livers do the same thing as a human liver, just thirteen times better (equaling 169 times the alcohol). Maybe other shit, too, but dwarves don't have time for boring biology crap. Moving on.

Boozeholes are for booze. There's other shit you can throw in there too, but those things mostly just act like a sponge, hampering the booze-absorption process. If a particularly whiny dwarf feels the need to "not starve to death," he can fill his empty boozehole with some nice non-porous rocks, or maybe a stack of five wine and rendered fat biscuits if he's really desperate.

Gratuitous Welsh accents do not exist. Never have. It doesn't matter that humans and *shudder* elves invented common. They're the ones who talk funny. Dwarves is the gooder talkers.

Dwarven Mating Practices

Yes, we do have those. Moving on.

Dwarven Society

Dwarven cities are underground. Now, we're not talking nice little hillside retreats full of plenty of free cake and fat chain-smoking midgets. I'm looking at you, "Ring Bearer." No, dwarves live in mountains they carve out themselves with their bare fucking hands. I kid you not. Those *copper picks* are purely status symbols.

Your average dwarf spends his free time wishing he had more to do or, ideally, has no free time. If a dwarf ain't busy building something huge, epically awesome and dwarfy, he ain't happy. Idleness in dwarves has been medically proven to result in depression, erectile dysfunction, chronic sobriety, facial pattern baldness and pointy ears.

Other honorable pursuits among dwarves include killing goblins, killing kobolds, killing tragically neglecting safety protocol when visited by elven liaisons, swindling gullible elves and humans (house trained? what other kind of elephant is there?) and drinking contests.

Dwarven politics are a funny thing, even if they are obviously superior to all that sissy tall people "let's talk about our problems" bullshit. Upon visiting a dwarven stronghold, you will notice a perhaps disproportionate number of dwarves running around draped in purple velvet and pimpin' bling. Absolutely fucking useless. MurderIgnore them.

No, if you want to find the guy in charge, whip out your measuring stick, 'cause the largest beard you come across is likely attached to the boozehole giving the orders. The owners of these beautiful shaggy neck blankets often go for bonus points by decking out their beards with thick braids and two-ton cast iron phallic symbols and whatever else their presumably manly square jaws can support. If you need a question answered, these are the guys who'll tell you "no, fuck you, we're doing it my way."

Dwarven Diplomacy

Dwarves are said to lean mostly toward the Lawful Good alignment. In practice, this essentially means that they prefer to swindle other good-aligned creatures, spit on neutral creatures for being pansies, and kill anything that annoys them enough to be labeled "evil," but only after swindling and/or spitting on them. As of this writing, all sentient beings and most species of tree have been classified by the Dwarven Diplomacy board as members of the last category (except humans, you don't fuck with something that numerous and trigger happy). Basically dwarves let their axes talk for them. Fuckin' hardcore sons of bitches they are.

Historical comparison

On the whole Dwarves across fiction tend to have the following tendencies...

• Are typically employed in metal related artisanry rather than as agricultural workers
• Tend to live in tight nit relatively insular communities
• Despite that, these communities work in conjunction and are dependent on other peoples which generally outnumber them
• While they can speak the languages of others that surround them, they usually use their own language amongst themselves
• Are conservative (in that their society is the way that they like it, thank you very much, and seldom change it, if ever)
• Tend to put a great amount of emphasis on the written word
• Often come under assault by stupid brutish morons
• Grow long Beards

As such, if one thinks in terms of Historical Analogues, one finds they are similar to early Germanics.

See Also

• Unified_Setting/Dwarf
• Warhammer Fantasy
• Dwarf Fortress
• Squat

Gallery

• 

  Dwarves will build elaborate floodgates and use them as weapons, even as their clothes rot from their bodies.

•