Ace of Hearts: 'Deadeye'
"Hey, I see you're finally here. What the hell took ya so damn long?"
Mac, he throws me a bottle of the good stuff. Best damn whiskey I'd ever drank, and this S.O.B.'s making it in his backyard? Hard to believe, but it's true. So, I'm sitting there, drinking, when this guy, big fucker, he shows up on the horizon.
"Eh, lookit that feller over there! He looks weird, kinda like... an Injun!"
Everyone that was there turned at that. An Injun, in our lands? Sure enough, this guy, yeah, he's an Injun alright. He's big, built, and looks like he could take a bullet or two and keep fighting. A real tough looking guy if I ever saw one. He walks over and in his big, deep, Injun voice says, "Have any of you seen a dog run through here?"
Everyone goes quiet. Mikey, in the back, he speaks right up right away. "What's it to ya, big boy? Need that dog fer one'a yer little 'ritchulls' ya'll hold ta make it rain and such?" We all laughed.
"He's my pet, white man. He's one of my only companions in this world... Please, if any of you saw him, I-"
Davey decides he'll pipe up now. "Why come ya'll Injuns always dance around hoopin' and hollerin'? You fellers like the sound'a yer stupid chants or what?" He pantomimes an Injun war dance, and the big feller starts looking real angry.
"Please stop this. I should warn you all, I have a gun."
Either Percy or Terry jumps in now. "Oooooh, we're real scared of a gun!"
"It's a Card."
Everyone goes quiet. That's when Gerald, big guy of our group, the guy who'd break your damn arm if ya arm wrestled him, he steps forward and pulls out his piece, the Three of Diamonds. It's a damn nice gun, faster than the fastest I ever seen. 'Course, that Injun had him beat.
The Injun's gun was LONG. The barrel musta been one and half, maybe two feet long. Thing was all prettied up, silver plating, ivory handle. That's when we noticed the mark: The Ace of Hearts.
Gerald, he's looking shocked, but he still stands there, and he looks the Injun right in the eye and says something you NEVER say to a man with an Ace: "Let's duel."
---
The two of them, they stand back to back, guns out. Gerald decides he wants to do this like his forefathers, so they start pacing forward. Ten, nine, eight, seven, they walk down to one, and Gerald turns around, but by then, he's already been shot through the head, blowing the whole top half of his head clean off. And there's the Injun: not even facing his direction! I swear to ya, that Injun's gun let him shoot the man dead without even turning around!
The rest of the boys and I, well, we got angry, so we started shooting. But, thing is, he just turns around all slow like, firing shots right up into the air where they were sure to miss, and somehow they hit all of my men. These bullets hit 'em HARD too: Mikey's whole top half got blasted off! By the time he faced me directly, I was the only one alive. He points that big gun of his right at my head and cocks back the hammer. At this point I know I can't beat him, so I throw my gun to the side, and I get down and pray to him like he's Jesus-fucking-Christ.
"So, white man, did you see my dog or not?" He's looking at me with those damn eyes of his. They cut through my soul like a hot knife through butter.
"Y-yes. Yes we did. It went east."
"Oh, did he now?"
"Yep, he sure did."
"You know, I'll need money for the long trip ahead of me."
"Here, man, take all of mine." I had 20 dollars on me, and I gave him all of it.
He looks down. "Those are nice shoes."
I hand him them too. I look at him, pleadingly and I say, "Please don't kill me, Mister Injun."
Before walking off into the sunset he smiles at me and chuckles, and says something I'll never forget:
"I'm out of bullets."
-Warboss Krumpashredda
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