A Song of Ice and Fire

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WIENER PARTY! WIENER PARTY!

Warning: This article contains so many spoilers we're ruining books that haven't even been released yet.

A Song of Ice and Fire (abbreviated as ASoIF and pronounced "Ass-Off" by the efficient) is a fantasy book series for people who hate fantasy, and which you probably never heard about till you pirated the long format pornography show on Torrent. Its central themes include incest, douchebaggery, and inefficiency. Thus it has become one of the most popular series of our generation and its author, George R. R. Martin, has been praised for his highly realized world and gritty low fantasy style. He was even called "the American Tolkien" by Time magazine gormless idiots who lump diametrically different writers together for no other reason than that they're both fantasy authors. The series itself is set on the totally not medieval European ripoff realm of Westeros as it is wracked by a massive civil war drawing its nations into conflict. There's at least five kings depending on how you're counting, they're burning the continent down in their scramble for power, and somehow all of the fuck-ups are managing to lose simultaneously while a horde of evil snow elves and their armies of zombies come to fuck them up.

Fun Fact: In the world of ASOIF, all the black people see prostitution as the greatest profession. No, srsly.

According to a leaked fan conversation, George R R Martin stated the series would end with an epic cock-slap fight between Samwell Tarly and Jaime Lannister.

TL;DR: War of Roses redux, with a side helpin' of cliched fantasy.

Yeah, pretty much.

House Stark

"Winter Is Coming"

Proud, hardass, northerners who serve as the series' main narrators. They have a tendency towards Lawful Stupid that bites them in the ass frequently.
  • Eddard Stark The Quiet Wolf: Patriarch, lord and POV death-puppet.
  • Robb Stark, The Young Wolf: Shiny, Lawful Stupid King Arthur-like hero, cacks it nastily. Became an Ulfwerenar. HAHA, DISREGARD THAT. He's not that awesome. Nor is he at all favoured by the Four Gods of Chaos. He actually got his pet's head stuck on his body and was paraded around. HERE COMES THE KING IN THE NORTH! THE KING IN THE NORTH, THE KING IN THE NORTH, THE KING IN THE NORTH! HERE COMES THE KING IN THE NORTH! THE KING IN THE NORTH...
  • Sansa Stark: Useless teenage girl extraordinaire. But it looks like she'll be good at courtly intrigues. Also, stereotypical domestic abuse victim.
  • Arya Stark: Little tomboy assassin.
  • Catelyn Stark (nee Tully): Fucks everyone's shit up by being a bitch. Gets killed along with Robb, then comes back as an undead witch bent on killing all the Boltons, Greyjoys, Lannisters, and pretty much everyone who betrayed her and her family.
  • Bran Stark: Intelligent little boy, crippled in the first sign of major GrimDark. Has prophetic dreams and becomes a wizard.
  • Rickon Stark: Four years old at the start, turning into a real little Barbarian by the third book. third book and everything after it sucks.
  • Jon Snow, Lord Snow: A 'Bastard', which is a bad thing, apparently mary sue. Became Lord Commander of the Night's Watch (basically Colonel Schaeffer with more men under his command) at the age of teenaged boy. Currently dying of knives in his back.
  • Hodor: A pokemon.

House Targaryen

"Fire and Blood"

The one time dragon kings and rulers of Westeros. Due to a policy of catastrophic inbreeding they sired a line of increasingly unstable kings, culminating in Aerys "That Guy" Targaryen and a palace coup. Now stuck in Essos (that means "Eastern Continent") trying to gather armies to retake the Iron Throne for reasons no one knows. Nobody likes reading their parts of the books because none of the action takes place in Westeros (xenophoibic morons, they are).
  • Aerys V, The Mad King: A pretty fun guy to be around. Had a thing for burning traitors, a category of people that eventually grew to include anybody he disliked for any reason, and a few people who were unlucky enough to be caught in the crossfire.
  • Daenerys Targaryen, Stormborn: An albino Mary Sue. She was sold by her brother to a barbarian king, in exchange for his promise to conquer Westeros. Then her husband killed her brother and promised to conquer the world for Daenerys, making her a badass barbarian warqueen. Unfortunately, her husband died and his horde fell apart. Then she hatched three dragons and now everyone wants to marry her. Gets shit done except whenever she acts like a teenage girl and mopes about fucking some mercenary fucker. Also learns how to train her dragon.
  • Viserys Targaryen, The Beggar King: Daenerys' brother, got himself killed for being an all-around bastard and whiny fuck. Daenerys' husband poured a crown of molten gold over his head.
  • Aegon Targaryen, Aegon VI: Daenerys' nephew, the son of her brother Rhaegar. Been hiding in Essos for the entire length of the series, but recently raised an army of Westerosi exiles and invaded Westeros. Wants to marry his aunt because she has dragons, and might not actually be a member of House Targaryen if you believe the tinfoil-hat wearing fans. He can actually count past 6, can multiply numbers, can read different language and has a minor understanding of geometry. Thus cementing him as one of the most educated people in this overwrought series. Can also do his own laundry.

House Lannister

"Hear Me Roar"

Rich, fabulous, bastards who always pay their debts. Not much of a martial tradition but if you cross them they will fucking cut you. You can tell they are the bad guys because they are blonde have an army of sick fucks, including a zebra-riding mercenary band and 7'20" Khornate Champion (though his Khornate status is debatable since he sickeningly seems to enjoy raping women), Gregor Clegane.
  • Tywin Lannister, The Lion of Lannister: Head of the house. Kills everyone who fights against him, he was the true power behind the throne until Tyrion murdered him while he was on the toilet. Has his own sweet, yet creepy as fuck theme song about him (spoiler) fucking up one house so badly their name is used as a warning against anyone standing against the Lions of the Rock. [1]. A great commander but a terrible father.
  • Cersei Lannister, The Bitch Queen: Twin sister to Jaime Lannister and wife to King Robert Baratheon. She fucks her brother all the time, and had three of his children, who she passed off as Roberts to grab power. She seeks to rule Westeros as the Queen, and will do anything to keep her power. Crazy as all fuck, and gonna be killed by one of her younger brothers. Three guesses as to who that's going to be, and you don't need the last two. She is currently alive only because Varys want her to be alive for some super-secret reason.
  • Jaime Lannister, The Kingslayer: Younger twin brother (by about three seconds) to Cersei Lannister and commander of the Kingsguard. He loves his sister in every sense of the word and had three children with her. Killed the last king despite his oath, and hated for it (even though everyone agrees that Aerys was insane and a monster). His desire to openly love his sister and win the respect he feels he deserves eventually causes Cersei to reject him.

Cersei and Robert's (actually Jamie's) children.

  • Tyrion Lannister, Halfman: a dwarf who is awesome but who all civilized characters hate. He seems to do much better with whores, rogues, and barbarians. Currently in exile after killing his father and being accused of killing his nephew Joffrey.

House Baratheon

"Ours is the Fury"

Ascended to the iron throne after a successful rebellion. Produce no less than three claimants to the succession, each more shit better than the last.
  • Robert Baratheon, The Usurper: Fat old king who led the rebellion and married Cersei Lannister. Then he fucked a bunch of other women and had lots of kids, and was killed by a boar. Pretty much a sad, lonely old bro who would rather not have been king.
  • Stannis The Mannis Baratheon, TRUE HEIR TO THE IRON THRONE, all-around badass who swings between Lawful Stupid and killing everyone who stands against him getting shit done. Also pussy-whipped by fire-loving bitches in red.
  • Renly Baratheon, That Gay Guy: Robert's youngest brother. Killed by The Mannis for trying to steal his crown.

House Tully

"Family, Duty, Honor"

Lords of the central river lands. Being the obligatory central nation they spend a lot of the series being fought over like a cake in between fat kids.
  • Edmure Tully: Basically the SoIaF universe's eternal butt monkey. A useless ponce with a dense streak a mile wide and a bad habit of bragging about things he shouldn't be proud of. It took [spoiler]hanging in a stockade for a few months[/spoiler] to make him experience some growth.
  • Brynden Tully Black Fish: Didn't catch the memo that he was part of the joke faction and proceeds to spend the entire series fucking Lannister shit up and generally being a boss.

House Arryn

"As High as Honor"

Mountain lords turned neurotic shut ins. Goes through lords about as quickly as you would expect a castle equipped with a door that opens into empty air.
  • John Arryn: Cadaverific, only appears posthumously.
  • Lysa Arryn: Loli bride turned Lady of the Vale after the Lannisters forcibly retired her husband from life. A basement tier hikki who spends the entire series chilling in the Eyrie being useless until Petyr kicks her our the moon door, putting her out of our collective misery. Long live the Lord Protector.

House Greyjoy

"We Do Not Sow"

Cthulhu-worshiping Norscans. All things considered, we hope these guys win.
  • Victarion Greyjoy: Admiral of the Iron Fleet. Gets shit done while wearing fucking plate armor during boarding actions. Does it for vengeance and the lulz.
  • Aeron Greyjoy Dhampair: A priestly Alan Moore who drinks seawater.
  • Theon Greyjoy: Son of the Lord/King of the Iron Islands. He was given to Ned Stark by daddy after daddy failed to successfully rebel against Robert the Fatass. Swore an oath to Robb, but then ditched him to please daddy. Ends up the personal butt monkey of Ramsey Bolton after Ramsey cuts his dick off.
  • Euron Greyjoy Crow's Eye: A sick fuck pirate sorcerer.

House Tyrell

"Growing Strong"

Lords of Highgarden and backstabbers par-excellence. They are also French to the bone.
  • Mace Tyrell: Lord of Highgarden. About as fat as your average neckbeard (his uncle is fatter). Stupid, arrogant, and overreaching.
  • Olenna Tyrell: The brains behind House Tyrell's schemes. Known as the Queen of Thorns for being a prickly and venomous old lady.
  • Garth Tyrell The Gallant: Second-born son, who really only does one thing in the entire books, and that is being kind to Tyrion.
  • Loras Tyrell The Knight of Flowers: The Tyrell who appears most in the series. Considered to be an example of the perfect knight, despite his youth. Is secretly Renly's gay lover and conspired to take the throne with him and his sister. Ends up horribly burned.
  • Margaery Tyrell: The would-be Queen of Westeros, she has married, in order, Renly Baratheon (gay), Joffrey Baratheon (evil), and Tommen Baratheon (8 years old) and has been crowned as queen three times.

House Bolton

"Our Blades Are Sharp"

The Lawful Evil northern house made of Grimdark. Their sigil is a flayed man and their castle is called The Dreadfort, which shows how Lawful Stupid the Starks were for allying with them.
  • Roose Bolton, "The Flayer": Minor Lord with ambitions to rule the north. Gets his wish when he dickishly stabs Robb Stark in the back, at his own fucking wedding no less, and has anyone associated with Robb killed. He then makes over Winterfell in his bloody image, and is currently trolling Stannis. Believes in the abolished practice of "Droit du seigneur" (a tradition that allowed a lord to have sex with subordinate women, including virgins and married women) and killed a man for trying to prevent Roose from fucking his wife.
  • Ramsay Snow/Bolton: The bastard son of Roose Bolton and a woman he raped, the best example of Stupid Evil. Will fuck up anyone who points out his illegitimate heritage until he was legally recognized as a Bolton. Loves to torture and kill people openly for the lulz, such as Theon Greyjoy. Also has a pack of dogs he names after women he raped and killed. Married a fake Arya Stark and regularly mistreats her.

House Martell

"Unbowed Unbent Unbroken"

Desert dwelling survivalists who pride themselves on having never been conquered by the Targeryn dynasty (though they later married in).
  • Doran Martell: Lord of Sun Spear. Still mad at the the Lannisters about that whole "murdered-my-sister-and-infant-niece thing". Playing the longest of long games with Varys while trying to keep the rest of his psychotic family members in check.
  • Arriane Martell: One of GRRM's characters who seems to exists soley to fuck everything up at the worst conceivable moment.
  • Oberyn Martell: Didn't realize what series he was in, poor bastard. Possibly a champion of Slaanesh since he's a bisexual swinger who enjoys the pleasures of life. Known for poisoning his weapons, as well as his battle-cry of "EEEEEELLLLLIIIIIIIAAAAAAAA!!!" Died from a mutual kill with Gregor Clegane

Night's Watch

The Night's Watch are an apolitical force in charge of manning the wall, a giant wall that separates the relative tranquility of the south from the Lovecraftian fucked-up-itude of the true north. They are chronically undermanned and undersupplied since nobody believes their stories of a barbarian army or the impending zombie apocalypse. Basically everybody else thinks they're in a game of Diplomacy and the Night's Watch are the only ones who realize they're actually in Warhammer Fantasy Battle.
  • Jeor Mormont, The Old Bear: Lord Commander of the Nights Watch at the start of the series. Sees Jon Snow as something of a second son (since his own son Jorah was exiled for enslaving and refused to take the black for his crimes). Leads a ranging north of the Wall to investigate reports that the Others have returned. Ends up killed during a mutiny of survivors after the Others wiped out most of the force.
  • Aemon Targaryen: Maester of the Citadel at Castle Black. Despite being the third born son of King Maekar I Targaryen, he declined the right to sit on the Iron Throne, which probably would have avoided so much trouble in the series. One of the few people in the series to die of old age, at 102.
  • Samwell Tarly, The Slayer: Fat bookworm who was forced to take the black after his father Randyl threatened to murder him for being unmanly. Jon Snow's best friend among the Night's Watch. Knows every because he "read it in a book". Despite being a self professed coward, Sam became the first person in thousands of years to slay an Other with an obsidian dagger.

Wildings

Groups of nomadic hunter gatherer tribes who live north of the Wall. Mostly First Men by blood, they have been heading toward the Wall for the past decade with the reputed reemergence of the Others.

Commoners, Knights, and Petty Lords

Basically any character not associated with any of the Great Houses.
  • Varys The Spider: The eunuch spymaster of Westeros. You can't take a shit in the Seven Kingdoms without Varys finding out where, when, and how watery or dry it was. Stabs everyone in the back because he's actually trying to bring the Targaryens back.
  • Petyr Baelish, Littlefinger: The master of coin (the ASOIAF equivalent of a treasurer). Hates everyone else for not helping him out. Manages to trick and steal his way to positions of lordship and wealth because no one takes him seriously, and stabs all the Lannisters in the back. Scheming, social climber who wants to be king at any cost, even if it means destroying Westeros and ruling over the ashes. Lusted for Catelyn, but when he couldn't have her changed his focus to Sansa, so now he's a paedophile.
  • Barriston Selmy, The Bold: Knight of the Kingsguard. Which Kingsguard? Take your pick. He's served pretty much every king since Aerys and understandably feels pretty bad about it. Another sad old bro who pretty much just wants to die before Danaerys this time. This time, though, he may get his wish, because he's regarded as the most badass guy in the series.
  • Melisandre, The Red Witch: A priestess of R'hllor, the god of fire. Proclaimed Stannis the Mannis to be the messiah-king and is doing everything in her power to make sure he wins (considerable given that she can scry and set things on fire with her mind). She'd be pretty bro-tier if her god wasn't such a vicious cunt. As it stands she's kind of in the gray. Most of the people she set on fire deserved it, and she hasn't succeeded in killing any babies yet.
  • Jorah Mormont: A knight and son of Jeor Mormont, exiled for trying to sell poachers into slavery and eventually joining the exiles of House Targaryen. He is offered a pardon in exchange for spying on the Targaryens, but ultimately decides to stay with them after falling in love with Danaerys. Despite this she still votes him off the Khalassar after learning he was a spy. He's still following her in secret, though.
  • Davos Seaworth, The Onion Knight: A former smuggler and bannerman to House Baratheon. During Roberts Rebellion he ran a blockade with a cargo of contraband onions to a castle Stannis Baratheon was besieged in. In exchange for for the food he had, Stannis knighted Davos, but Stannis's Lawful Stupid mindset compelled him to remove three fingers from his left hand. Despite this, Davos has served Stannis with unquestioning loyalty, because Stannis knighting him gave his children a future. The fact that Stannis's war for the throne has ended up killing several of his sons hasn't dented his loyalty at all.
  • Shae: A former camp follower and Tyrion Lannister's squeeze for most of the story. Fled from an abusive family and became a camp follower to earn a living. Seems to fall in love with Tyrion, but it turns out she's a gold digging bitch. When he doesn't marry her she sells him out to Cersei for a better offer, then fucks Tywin when she realizes Cersei is a bigger bitch than she is. Tyrion finds her in his father's bed and kills her for betraying him.

The Others

A mysterious race from beyond the Wall, known to HBO fans as "the White Walkers". Eight thousand years ago, they invaded Westeros during a decades long winter known as "the Long Night". With an army of undead warriors, they proceeded to fuck Westeros up every which way to Sunday before the locals finally drove them out, established the Night's Watch, and built the Wall to keep them out. Most assume they were a myth, and those who believe they existed at all assume they died out millennia ago, so there's no need to worry about th--*three horn blasts sound*...RUN! Like all fantasy aspects of ASOIF, they are very cliched.

Games

Like any fantasy author who finds themselves unexpectedly in the warm embrace of commercial success Martin quickly licensed the shit out of his setting, spawning everything from resin miniatures to replica great swords. While most of this is worthless junk to foist on obsessive fanboys /tg/ has agreed that a few of the games are made of win. The first two are a collectable card game put out in 2002 by Fantasy Flight Games and a risk-esque board game that followed shortly after in 2003. One of White Wolf's subsidiaries also put out a d20 RPG in 2005 but it quickly tanked because, come on, White Wolf. Martin since wrested the rights back and developed a new version with Green Ronin games.

Books

  • A Game of Thrones
  • A Clash of Kings
  • A Storm of Swords
  • A Feast for Crows
  • A Dance with Dragons
  • The Winds of Winter
  • A Dream of Spring
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