A Song of Ice and Fire
Warning: This article contains so many spoilers we're ruining books that haven't even been released yet.
A Song of Ice and Fire is a fantasy book series for people who hate fantasy, and which you probably never heard about till you pirated the long format pornography show on Torrent. Its central themes include incest, douchebaggery, and inefficiency. Thus it has become one of the most popular series of our generation and its author, George R. R. Martin, has been praised for his highly realized world and gritty low fantasy style. He was even called "the American Tolkien" by Time magazine gormless idiots who lump diametrically different writers together for no other reason than that they're both fantasy authors. The series itself is set on the totally not medieval European ripoff realm of Westeros as it is wracked by a massive civil war drawing its nations into conflict. There's at least five kings depending on how you're counting, they're burning the continent down in their scramble for power, and somehow all of the fuck-ups are managing to lose simultaneously. Said fuck-ups include:
"Winter Is Coming"
Proud, hardass, northerners who serve as the series' main narrators. They have a tendency towards Lawful Stupid that bites them in the ass frequently.
- Eddard Stark The Quiet Wolf: Patriarch, lord and POV death-puppet.
- Robb Stark, The Young Wolf: Shiny, Lawful Stupid King Arthur-like hero, cacks it nastily.
- Sansa Stark: Useless teenage girl extraordinaire. But it looks like she'll be good at courtly intrigues.
- Arya Stark: Little tomboy assassin.
- Catelyn Stark (nee Tully): Fucks everyone's shit up by being a bitch.
- Bran Stark: Intelligent little boy, crippled in the first sign of major GrimDark. Has prophetic dreams and becomes a wizard.
- Rickon Stark: Four years old at the start, turning into a real little Barbarian by the third book.
- Jon Snow, Lord Snow: A Bastard, which is a bad thing, apparently. Became Lord Commander of the Night's Watch (basically Colonel Schaeffer with more men under his command) at the age of teenaged boy. Currently dying of knives in his back.
"Blood and Fire"
The one time dragon kings and rulers of Westeros. Due to a policy of catastrophic inbreeding they sired a line of increasingly unstable kings, culminating in Aerys "That Guy" Targaryen and a palace coup. Now stuck in Essos (that means "Eastern Continent") trying to gather armies to retake the Iron Throne for reasons no one knows. Nobody likes reading their parts of the books because none of the action takes place in Westeros.
- Aerys V, The Mad King: A pretty fun guy to be around. Had a thing for burning traitors, a category of people that eventually grew to include anybody he disliked for any reason, and a few people who were unlucky enough to be caught in the crossfire.
- Daenerys Targaryen, Stormborn: Main Targaryen character in the series. She was sold by her brother to a barbarian king, in exchange for his promise to conquer Westeros. Then her husband killed her brother and promised to conquer the world for Daenerys, making her a badass barbarian warqueen. Unfortunately, her husband died and his horde fell apart. Then she hatched three dragons and now everyone wants to marry her. Gets shit done except whenever she acts like a teenage girl and mopes about fucking some mercenary fucker. Also learns how to train her dragon.
- Viserys Targaryen, The Beggar King: Daenerys' brother, got himself killed for being an all-around bastard and whiny fuck. Daenerys' husband poured a crown of molten gold over his head.
- Aegon Targaryen, Aegon VI: Daenerys' uncle, the son of her brother Rhaegar. Been hiding in Essos for the entire length of the series, but recently raised an army of Westerosi exiles and invaded Westeros. Wants to marry his niece because she has dragons, and might not actually be a member of House Targaryen if you believe the tinfoil-hat wearing fans.
"Hear Me Roar"
Rich, fabulous, bastards who always pay their debts. Not much of a martial tradition but if you cross them they will fucking cut you. You can tell they are the bad guys because they are blonde have an army of sick fucks, including a zebra-riding mercenary band and 7'20" Khornate Champion Gregor Clegane.
- Tywin Lannister, The Lion of Lannister: Head of the house. Kills everyone who fights against him, he was the true power behind the throne until Tyrion murdered him.
- Cersei Lannister, The Bitch Queen: Twin sister to Jaime Lannister and wife to King Robert Baratheon. She fucks her brother all the time, and had three of his children, who she passed off as Roberts to grab power. She seeks to rule Westeros as the Queen, and will do anything to keep her power. Crazy as all fuck, and gonna be killed by one of her younger brothers. Three guesses as to who that's going to be, and you don't need the last two.
- Jaime Lannister, The Kingslayer: Twin brother to Cersei Lannister and commander of the Kingsguard. He loves his sister in every sense of the word and had three children with her. Killed the last king despite his oath, and hated for it (even though everyone agrees that Aerys was insane and a monster). His desire to openly love his sister and win the respect he feels he deserves eventually causes Cersei to reject him.
- Joffrey Baratheon: The dead king on the Iron Throne. And there was much rejoicing.
- Tommen Baratheon: The new king on the Iron Throne. Married to a teenaged shotacon wife, who might or might not have arranged for his brother's murder.
- Mycella Baratheon: Princess, had her face fucked up because of the Martells.
- Tyrion Lannister, Halfman: a dwarf who is awesome but who all civilized characters hate. He seems to do much better with whores, rogues, and barbarians. Currently in exile after killing his father and being accused of killing his nephew Joffrey.
"Ours is the Fury"
Ascended to the iron throne after a successful rebellion. Produce no less than three claimants to the succession, each more shit better than the last.
- Robert Baratheon, The Usurper: Fat old king who led the rebellion and married Cersei Lannister. Then he fucked a bunch of other women and had lots of kids, and was killed by a boar. Pretty much a sad, lonely old bro who would rather not have been king.
- Stannis The Mannis Baratheon, TRUE HEIR TO THE IRON THRONE, all-around badass who swings between Lawful Stupid and
killing everyone who stands against himgetting shit done. - Renly Baratheon, That Gay Guy: Robert's youngest brother. Killed by The Mannis for trying to steal his crown.
House Tully
"Family, Duty, Honor"
Lords of the central river lands. Being the obligatory central nation they spend a lot of the series being fought over like a cake in between fat kids.
"As High as Honor"
Mountain lords turned neurotic shut ins. Goes through lords about as quickly as you would expect a castle equipped with a door that opens into empty air.
House Greyjoy
"We Do Not Sow"
House Tyrell
"Growing Strong"
Lords of Highgarden and backstabbers par-excellence.
House Martell
"Unbowed Unbent Unbroken"
Desert dwelling survivalists who pride themselves on having never been conquered by the Targeryn dynasty (though they later married in).
Quentyn Martell: Lord of Sun Spear. Still mad at the the Lannisters about that whole "murdered-my-sister-and-infant-niece thing". Playing the longest of long games with Varys while trying to keep the rest of his psychotic family members in check.
The Night's Watch are an apolitical force in charge of manning the wall, a giant wall that separates the relative tranquility of the south from the Lovecraftian fucked-up-itude of the true north. They are chronically undermanned and undersupplied since nobody believes their stories of a barbarian army or the impending zombie apocalypse. Basically everybody else thinks they're in a game of Diplomacy and the Night's Watch are the only ones who realize they're actually in Warhammer Fantasy Battle.
Commoners, Knights, and Petty Lords
Basically any character not associated with any of the Great Houses.
- Varys The Spider: The eunuch spymaster of Westeros. You can't take a shit in the Seven Kingdoms without Varys finding out where, when, and how watery or dry it was. Stabs everyone in the back because he's actually trying to bring the Targaryens back.
- Petyr Baelish, Littlefinger: The guy in charge of getting the snacks for the game session, and hates everyone else for not helping him out. On the other hand, he manages to steal his way to positions of lordship and wealth because no one takes him seriously, and stabs all the Lannisters in the back. He's also a pedophile.
- Barriston Selmy, The Bold: Knight of the Kingsguard. Which Kingsguard? Take your pick. He's served pretty much every king since Aerys and understandably feels pretty bad about it. Another sad old bro who pretty much just wants to die before Danaerys this time. This time, though, he may get his wish, because he's regarded as the most badass guy in the series.
- Melisandre, The Red Witch: A priestess of Rhollor, the god of fire. Proclaimed Stannis the Mannis to be the messiah-king and is doing everything in her power to make sure he wins (considerable given that she can scry and set things on fire with her mind). She'd be pretty bro-tier if her god wasn't such a vicious cunt. As it stands she's kind of in the gray. Most of the people she set on fire deserved it, and she hasn't succeeded in killing any babies yet.
The Others
A mysterious race from beyond the Wall, known to HBO fans as "the White Walkers". Eight thousand years ago, they invaded Westeros during a decades long winter known as "the Long Night". With an army of undead warriors, they proceeded to fuck Westeros up every which way to Sunday before the locals finally drove them out, established the Night's Watch, and built the Wall to keep them out. Most assume they were a myth, and those who believe they existed at all assume they died out millennia ago, so there's no need to worry about th--*three horn blasts sound*...RUN! Like all fantasy aspects of ASOIF, they are very cliched.
Games
Like any fantasy author who finds themselves unexpectedly in the warm embrace of commercial success Martin quickly licensed the shit out of his setting, spawning everything from resin miniatures to replica great swords. While most of this is worthless junk to foist on obsessive fanboys /tg/ has agreed that a few of the games are made of win. The first two are a collectable card game put out in 2002 by Fantasy Flight Games and a risk-esque board game that followed shortly after in 2003. One of White Wolf's subsidiaries also put out a d20 RPG in 2005 but it quickly tanked because, come on, White Wolf. Martin since wrested the rights back and developed a new version with Green Ronin games.
Books
- A Game of Thrones
- A Clash of Kings
- A Storm of Swords
- A Feast for Crows
- A Dance with Dragons
- The Winds of Winter
- A Dream of Spring