Marc Lecointe

THEM'S GOOD EATIN'S

Marc Lecointe was a soldier in one fa/tg/uy's X-Com game, who through incredible luck managed to survive horrendous injuries and inflict grievous harm upon the alien invaders. If only he had been born into the grim darkness of the 41st Millennium, the Imperium would never have had to worry about xeno invaders.

First part

Let me take a moment to tell you about Sergeant Marc Lecointe.

First of all, Marc is a man. He is more of a man than you or I will ever be.

Armed with a mere laser rifle and a pair of electro-flares, he boldly made the first step off the Skyranger to meet the alien foe terrorizing London in the middle of the goddamn night.

First thing that happens as soon as he steps off the ramp? Some bitch snakeman, no doubt terrified at the sight of the can of whoopass it had opened, opened fire from the quite unmanly safety of a dark alley nearby.

Got Marc right in the face.

Let me tell you something. Marc survived that shot. And he was not happy about it.

Now, we all know what happens to operatives who take a healthy dose of plasma to the face.

First, they usually die. Second, in the unlikely event that they aren't jettisoned from the mortal coil, most of their capabilities plummet. Aiming and firing, after all, is unreasonably difficult when you have a hole in your arm. Or your face.

Not so in the case of Marc Lecointe.

I will admit, I did not have faith in Marc. He had 17 health left, and was fatally wounded. He was a dead man with a gun in his hands, for all I cared.

After gunning down his cowardly assailant, he took point for a division of operatives, who were intended to use him as a no-risk scout to spot for them. Snakemen in a nighttime terror mission, after all, means chryssalids are close by. It's only right to minimize risks, whatever moral concerns are raised by the method.

Marc proceeded to bring down chryssalids after rounding corners with no support, and sniped several snakemen that had been spotted by the other division of agents, clear across the other side of the map.

Such was his bitter rampage of spite that, by the end of the mission, Sergeant Marc Lecointe had been single-handedly responsible for murdering half a dozen chryssalids and four snakemen. His aim was impeccable. His thirst for vengeance was unquenchable.

Marc returned safely from the mission with 4 health remaining. He will spend the next 48 days in the Infirmary of X-Com's primary command center in North Africa.

Marc Lecointe did not receive any promotions following the now infamous midnight defense of London.

Second part

Disaster has struck the squad of the newly appointed Captain Marc Lecointe. He and his operatives have just learned, the hard way, that supply ships with sectoids in them tend to use a lot of psychic attacks.

Our brave team's first experience with mind control left three dead. Two brave soldiers shot to death by the rookie in their wing, only a single turn after leaving the Skyranger. The rookie in question, of course, was promptly gunned down. We at X-Com have a strict policy regarding psychic instability.

As the supply ship had been shot down, some damage was expected. What was not expected was the loss of all three engines and large chunks of the second floor. This resulted in much more than a disappointing recovery, as there were still several cowardly aliens lurking on the still intact parts of the second floor. Two attempt to gain access to the UFO were driven back by this cowardly form of ambush.

Finally, Captain Marc Lecointe stepped up to the plate.

To be quite frank, Captain Lecointe had quite enough of this shit by the time he kicked down the door separating him from the shattered interior of the UFO.

Like the other operatives who attempted to gain entry, Marc was quickly targeted and fired upon. Seeing as how X-Com has not yet provided any sort of personal armor for its soldiers at this point, things weren't looking good for our brave defender of humanity.

The sound and smell of cooked flesh filled the UFO. Captain Lecointe had been shot. In the back, no less!

I will tell you something. This made Marc stop in his tracks. This made Marc quite unhappy.

But it did not make Marc dead. This blunder would be the sectoids' undoing.

A simple, nonchalant about face revealed the location of our cowardly foe. His petty resistance came to an inglorious end, stopped by a single snap shot of Captain Lecointe's new Heavy Plasma gun.

The last obstacle to the control room was eliminated. Marc resumed his march on the grav lift, his back still steaming. He put on a good show for the rookies, but anyone could see he would not last long. He had 13 health. He had three fatal wounds. His back smelled like overcooked ribs basted in spicy A1.

He was not happy.

The psychic assault now singled out Marc Lecointe, but it was a meaningless gesture of resistance. Captain Lecointe had a mind of steel. Two sergeants followed him to the UFO's third level, and took the southern detour to the control room. Marc took the direct route.

They were too slow. The sergeants, I mean. Still some distance to go. Marc stood around the corner to the bridge's doorway. Time was up. He has a single point of health remaining. With nothing but a bar full of time units, a gun half-full of plasma, and a body still mostly full of guts, he rounded the corner.

There stood the alien psychic.

And his two bodyguards.

All facing Captain Marc Lecointe's final assault head on.

They did not stand a chance.

One frantically fired in Lecointe's direction, missing his entire burst at near point-blank range. The two following bursts from Marc Lecointe showed the psychic and his bodyguard, no doubt weak from constantly hiding in small rooms and mind controlling enemies from complete safety, how to properly operate their own weaponry.

Captain Marc Lecointe is scheduled to return to the service in 55 days. Perhaps he'll receive his well-earned promotion while recuperating again.

Eight operatives died in that mission. Lecointe stands as the force's only operative with a 5 to 1 kill-to-mission ratio.

Facts about Marc Lecointe

• To be fair, Marc probably gets laid, like, all the fucking time.
• All the chick scientists want his cock. So many fucking artifacts.
• Marc Lecointe taught me how to love a woman and scold a child.
• Marc Lecointe once showed me a video tape of him making love to my wife. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
• How do you pronounce "Lecointe"? "Badass"
• He rides in an Avenger covered in Snakeman skulls!
• He'll eat a Chryssalid if you dare him!
• Marc Lecointe once ripped a Snakeman's throat out with his bare teeth, then went back to reading his morning newspaper without spilling his coffee.
• It was the sight of Lecointe's naked body that drove all the Ethereals insane.
• Marc Lecointe's children could make a band. An entire orchestra if you count the bastards!
• Marc Lecointe once lit up a nighttime terror mission by telling the darkness to fuck off.
• We once had a bachelor party for Lecointe. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.
• I believe in the snakeman tongue the word for Marc Lecointe is pronounced Badassssssssssssssss.
• Marc Lecointe threw a smoke grenade out of his mother's vagina before he was born.
• Marc Lecointe and I were out on a nighttime terror mission once in the back of the Avenger with a live Sectoid. He grabs the Sectoid and says "I'm Marc Lecointe! Now say it!" He manipulates the Sectoid's mouth in such a way that "MURK LACONT" comes out. It wasn't exactly right, but it was pretty good for a Sectoid!
• Marc Leiconte is a ten-foot-tall, two-ton son of a bitch who could eat a hammer and take a plasma blast standing!
• Marc Lecointe made a Muton cry. They don't have tear ducts.
• Did I ever tell you about the time Marc Lecointe came to my daughter's wedding? Yeah, he shows up right in the middle of the ceremony drunk off his ass and accompanies me and my daughter up to the altar as I go to give her away, right in between us. He's got no right to be there but I can't say anything because he's drunk, and it's Lecointe. Anyway, long story short, the preacher messes up and ends up marrying me and Lecointe! We had our honeymoon in the Bahamas and for six days and nights he loved me like I've never been loved before.
• The Virgin Mary let Marc Lecointe do her in the ass.
• Some say that he's what you get when you mix napalm with peanut butter, and that he sleeps upside down, like a bat. All we know is, he's called Sgt. Marc Lecointe.
• Simply being within 50 miles of Marc Lecointe can make an athlete fail tests for performance enhancing drugs.
• Some say that he eats by shoving food into his ears, and that his urine is 83% mercury. All we know is, he's called Sgt. Marc Lecointe.
• Some say that if you open his rib cage, you'll find a frag grenade where a heart should be, and that he was discovered in an ice floe in Sweden some 36 years ago. All we know is he's called Sgt. Marc Lecointe.
• Marc Lecointe died for your sins.
• Marc Lecointe doesn't believe in God. God believes in Marc Lecointe.
• When God said "Let There Be Light," Marc Lecointe flipped on the light switch.
• Marc Lecointe once cured a blind man by spitting into his eyes. He turned into a perfectly healthy sex-bomb of a woman, whom Marc Lecointe fucked back into blindness within the week.
• Marc Lecointe doesn't get hit by alien weaponry. He just feels pity for them.
• Marc Lecointe once ate a Sectoid whole.
• Marc Lecointe is responsible for the only successful Terror Mission on Cydonia.
• Marc Lecointe killed his wife and children. Because they were sectoids.
• In the year 2011, Marc Lecointe travels through time to kill Obama. Because he was a sectoid.
• Marc Lecointe once drank an entire X-COM base's supply of alcohol in ten minutes. Nine months later their Skyranger gave birth.
• In 2014, Marc Lecointe travelled through time again. He became Rasputin, which is why nobody could kill the fucker.
• Death fears Marc Lecointe.
• Marc Lecointe travels through time by straightening the space/time curvature with his bare hands.
• Steven Hawking told Marc Lecointe that he couldn't travel through time. That's why he's in a chair now.
• Marc Lecointe has a picture of himself on his bedroom wall. Painted by Da Vinci.
• Marc Lecointe is the human name for Tordek.
• Marc Lecointe is Jean-Luc Picard's father.
• The Ninja Turtles is based on a true story. Marc Lecointe once ate a live turtle, and when he shat it out three weeks later it was 6 feet tall and knew karate.
• X-com base attacks are terror-missions for the aliens while Marc Lecointe is there.
• I heard Marc Lecointe wrestled a Chryssalid into submission.
• Marc Lecointe eats Chryssalid egg omelettes for breakfast every day and washes it down with a glass of fresh-squeezed Snakeman juice.
• No Chryssalid is safe from Marc Lecointe.
• Due to the budget cuts, X-Com will adopt a new strategy. They will air drop Marc Lecointe from interceptors onto alien ships. He will then punch through the hull, take control of the craft and crash it into enemy bases.
• On a jet made of crystal, he patrolled the land. A plasma gun and a grenade in his perfect hands.
• Marc Lecointe's sperm use miniature blaster bombs to break into the ovum.
• You can't draw Marc Lecointe because as soon as the picture is finished it punches you in the chest and runs off the paper.
  • And then he will punch aliens to death. WITH HIS FEET
• Marc Lecointe has 50 confirmed kills with electro-flares.
• Marc Lecointe retired from X-Com after the aliens were beaten, where he started his own business. You now know him as the Immortal God Emperor of Man.
• Marc Lecointe once gave someone respeck knuckles. His whole family exploded.
• Alien Invasion was actually a preemptive strike aimed to stop humans from developing Marc Lecointe. It failed.
• The Face On Mars? The one in Cydonia? Marc. Lecointe. He carved it from his back garden using a laser pointer.
• When Marc Lecointe runs out of TU's he rips apart the fabric of time with his teeth and yanks out additional TU's. Then fires his blaster launcher. In burst mode.
• Marc Lecointe doesn't need a blaster launcher to launch blaster bombs. He SPITS THEM AT THE ALIENS, the bomb reaching superluminal speeds.
• Even Gregory House is polite to Marc Lecointe
• When Sergeant Marc Lecointe was at school one day, the aliens rampaged through killing almost everyone. After killing a Reaper with his bare hands, he beat a sectoid to death with the reaper's jawbone, took its weapon and single-handedly routed the alien forces, saving the school. For his efforts that day he was given an extra cookie at recess and allowed to play with the blocks all he wanted.
• Sergeant Marc Lecointe bursts out of aliens chests.
• When Marc Lecointe punches aliens in the face, they apologize for getting in the way of his fist.
• When Sergeant Marc Lecointe's mother was pregnant with him she complained of pains. An X-ray revealed he had two grenades and a plasma rifle in there with him.