The Toilets of the 41st Millennium
 This article is awesome. Do not fuck it up. |
A while back, an industrious writefag made up some pretty funny descriptions for what toilets would be like in the Warhammer 40k universe.
Great Toilet Stalls of the Space Marines
While Space Marine power armor can recycle the waste and use it as nutrients, many Chapters have their own toilets:
Black Templars - Fairly difficult to use, because every time you do something in it, the fucking thing rushes at you.
Blood Angels - Aesthetically pleasing, but when on the toilet, one may be overcome by The Brown Rage.
Blood Ravens - Still looking for theirs. They happen to have several from other chapters though. Fucking thieves.
Black Dragons - Relatively normal, but after you use it, you get hard. And I'm not talking about a boner.
Crimson Fists - In short supply from the Ork assault on Rynn's World.
Dark Angels - Only the Inner Circle knows where it is. But I'm fairly certain their Master of the Forge is interred on it...
Deathwatch - Only a few in existence, but are amongst the best and all tailored to taking various kinds of shits.
Exorcists - As part of their training they are exorcised of the daemon of taco shits, so they always go easy and quick.
Flame Falcons - Is specifically made to be able to flush burning shits.
Flesh Tearers - Is very likely to give you the nastiest case of The Brown Rage you've ever seen.
Grey Knights - The most powerful toilets in the Imperium, inscribed with aegis wards, purity seals, and psychic barriers to prevent Daemonic possession (and clogging).
Imperial Fists - Is horribly uncomfortable, because the Emperor is probably fairly uncomfortable on his throne.
Iron Hands - Toilet may in fact be a sleeping Iron-Father.
Iron Snakes - The toilet is fine, but you get only one sheet of paper on account of you taking only one shit.
Lamenters - Perfectly fine until they try to flush... It always, always clogs, and overflows.
Legion of the Damned - Appears before you precisely when needed, but only if you have to go Number 3.
Mantis Warriors - Due to their penance of a 100 year crusade without Imperial aid, they are drastically low on toilet paper. Also have multilasers
Mentors - Contains a mini library so they can learn as they take a shit.
Minotaurs - Shit really fast in enemy toilets before running away. The very best toilets in the Imperium, but they sometimes have to share them with the High Lords of Terra. Sometimes steal those belonging to other Chapters.
Raven Guard - Cannot be flushed as Corax himself mandated only he could do away with what was done as it is his responsibility.
Salamanders - Well made, efficient and beloved by the people. The only fault one can find is the use of lava when flushing.
Space Wolves - A fire hydrant surrounded with dog biscuits.
Ultramarines - Immaculate and clean, everyone hates them for this reason. Marneus Calgar's chair.
White Scars - Mounted on the weapons platform of an attack bike.
Toilets of the Esteemed Chapters of /tg/ 40k
Angry Marines - Have no use for a toilet as they, in fact, shit plasma grenades. If they did have a toilet though it would probably punch you in the ass every time you flush, accompanied by a cry of FUCK YOU. All of the chapters copies of Codex Astrates are in one big box with TOILET PAPER written on it.
Galactic Partridges - All of the toilets on their home planet of Peart'ree use the finest quality silver for the citizens. All members of the esteemed Partridges use diamond-encrusted golden toilets while the Chapter Master prefers to use the one that was "gifted" from the Space Wolves' Chapter Master Logan Grimnar. The stalls also have monitors which allow the Partridges to view their many glorious victories over the millennia. All glory to the Partridges.
Pretty Marines- Pretty Marines shit rose petals and piss liquid gold. Thus, no toilets. But if there WERE Pretty Marine toilets, they'd match the drapes and be embossed with beautiful diamonds and rubies and silver penises.
Reasonable Marines - Probably the only normal civilian-brand toilets in the entire Imperium.
Sleepy Marines - Specially made to deal with the gallons of acidic piss they accumulate on their long hibernations.
Daemonic Toilets of the Warp
Bloodletter, Bloodthirster - They shit brimstone and piss lava so their toilets are active volcanoes.
Juggernaut, Flesh Hound - They feel no need to relieve themselves because of the enchanted Collars of Khorne. As a result, gutting one may result in an explosion of fiery feces, which is how they naturally relieve themselves.
Daemonette, Keeper of Secrets - Their excretions contain Soporific Musk and they like to smear it all over themselves, eliminating the need for a toilet.
Nurgling, - They are already little shits (Probably even the putrid turds of Papa Nurgle himself!) therefore, the physical realm is Nurgle's personal toilet, with the little stinkers already flooding.....
Plaguebearer, Slime Hound - If any toilet would be tough enough to contain the horribly disgusting shit of these creatures, it would be the Throne of Grandfather Nurgle himself.
Great Unclean One - They need no toilets as they shit out fully-formed Nurglings.
Horrors (both kinds) - They magic their waste to random locations like right under your foot when you take a step, which causes Tzeentch to mutter "just as planned".
Flamers of Tzeentch - The Lords of Change are trying to devise a toilet that can weaponize their fiery shit.
Screamers of Tzeentch - Sometimes, they swoop down low over Imperial tanks and let loose. It is incredibly hard to clean.
Lord of Change - They magic their shit around just like Horrors but they have considerably more control over where their waste ends up.
Accursed Toilets of the Chaos Space Marines
Alpha Legion - Any toilet may in fact be an Alpha Legion toilet Alpha Legionnaire.
Black Legion - No toilets of their own, constantly trying to use the ones on Cadia.
Blood Disciples - Theirs have jump packs mounted.
Death Guard - Trust me, you don't wanna use them. Mortarion's toilet is Nurgle's bigass cauldron where he mixes diseases.
Emperor's Children - Everyone takes turns being the toilet.
Iron Warriors - Difficult to get to with all the razorwire and trenches, may turn out to have merely been a decoy with no actual toilet in there.
Night Lords - Stall walls are covered in horrible graffiti art, toilet with bat wings constantly screams. Surrounded by peepholes, leaving one in constant terror that they might be observed.
Red Corsairs - Toilets are stolen from loyalist stalls. Huron Blackheart's personal commode is made as a crude mockery of the Golden Throne and is a contender for the most twisted and mutated toilet in the galaxy.
Sons of Malice - They have no toilets of their own, but they will shit a pipe-clogger in loyalist AND in Chaos toilets alike.
Thousand Sons - When flushed, waste is merely covered in dust. When Magnus shits, it disappears only to randomly appear again at some random point in time later or earlier. Most toilets flush slowly, due to rust. They can handle the largest shits however, and regain their old speed when sat upon by a sorcerer.
Word Bearers - Fairly normal aside from the hymns playing in the stall speakers, until you realize it's out of paper and must ask the dark gods for some. Tzeentch might bless you with the softest paper to ever caress your anus, or sandpaper, or something in between. Slaanesh will give you a blob with writhing tentacles and tongues, Khorne will just make you go into a berserker RAGE over the lack of TP for your bunghole and you don't wanna know what Nurgle will give you. (What about Undivided?) If you're Undivided, then you won't need to wipe since the dark gods have clearly given you the gift of a filthy, itchy arse that makes you angrily scratch for relief and wishing for a change in underpants.
World Eaters - Mostly destroyed when berserkers enraged while trying to figure out how to flush the toilets. World Eaters piss blood and shits skulls any way, so they don't need toilets.
Other Toilets of the Imperium
Adeptus Custodes - Eternally waiting for the Emperor to get finished using it.
Adepta Sororitas - (Actually, we don't know. There isn't a "men's" room, so we couldn't see. It probably just sets the waste on fire any way.)
Adeptus Mechanicus - What few toilets we could find had Bluetooth linkups to monitor regularity and were Wifi hotspots. Also involved a built-in servitor for no good reason.
- ++++ Any Mechanicus operative ranking Techpriest or above do not need toilets, and have wall-mounted, vacuum powered docks to vacate the biowaste built up in specialized personal canisters on the Mechanicus operative themselves. The waste is then shot to a regionally centralized septic facility and housed in enormous septic processing tanks where microorganisms reprocess the waste into biofuel, algal nutrient, or fertilizer for biospheres or for the wealthy Magos' gardens or houseplants. Explorators and other off-world agents have incredibly micro-sized versions of these bio-processing plants installed on their chassis for continued waste relief on the go. This information courtesy of the Adeptus Septic of Mars ++++
Administratum - Must fill out six hundred forms in triplicate before being able to relieve yourself. Must then fill out five hundred forms in triplicate to flush. Where did you think Imperium gets their toilet paper?
The Assassinorum - Culexus use the headgear of slain psykers, Vindicare use their gunk to coat bullets, Callidus pose as enemies so they can shit pipe-cloggers in enemy toilets, and Eversor don´t have toilets: when they are awaken they are told the enemy has one and that´s the true reason of their frenzied attacks and the truth behind their deadly explosions. They are really a shit of a bang.
Armageddon Steel Legion - The Steel Legion Guardsmen pipe all their shit together into a Septic Pattern Hellhound. 10 Soldiers replete with fully hygienic suits and gas masks drive it to the enemy lines; then locking the drive shaft and priming a melta charge as a parting gift, they jump from the tank and run like hell to the nearest river to witness the shitstorm.
-and latrine duty has never been more awesome-
Cadian's - Austere, but quite effective. The only problem is that its even money that you'll have to fight a fucking lunatic douchecanoe for the stall, before and after you sit.
Catachans - Don't need them, as they smear their waste on their knives or on themselves for better camouflage when they can restrain themselves from simply hurling it at enemy soldiers to kill them.
Death Korps of Krieg - The soldiers of Krieg build specials holes, connected to their trenches, where they do... You know what.
Imperial Guard - Each Guardsman is equipped with a chamberpot. Soldiers who fail to recite the Litany of Smooth Passage while using their chamberpot will be shot by the Commissar after having horrible constipation. Company and Regimental Stalls compress the waste into tightly packed, high density shells and then fires them at the enemy via rear-mounted cannon. Earthshakers aren't called Earthshakers for nothing.
Mordian Iron Guard - Every Guardsman has his own toilet, and shits in perfect sync with the rest of the unit.
Tanith First (And Only) - Appears without warning when you need to take a shit, and is gone by the time you've finished pulling your pants up.
Tallarn - No toilet, standard procedure is to bury waste in sand.
Valhallan 597th - Appears normal, but the cleanest, most efficient, and best-looking stall is conspicuously hidden behind the rest, next to the nastiest stall in the Imperium. Also, all their seats are made of ice.
Vostroyans - Every toilet is finely crafted using wood and copper, accented with even more shinies like gold. Of course, if you can't build your own toilet or inherit one, you're out of luck.
Harakoni/Elysian Drop Troops - They like flinging their waste off high places.
Creed has never been witnessed going to the bathroom, but somehow his turds show up in any stall Abaddon the Despoiler tries to use! It must be the work of his tactical gen-CREEEEEEEEEED!
Colonel-Commissar Ibram Gaunt discovers an STC capable of producing flush toilets but destroys it, correctly perceiving that it has been tainted by Chaos for no clear reason.
Ciaphas Cain - Uses standard imperial toilets, but whenever he goes into a public lavatory, if he knew what he was getting himself into by entering a stall, he would have rather charged into the Eye of Terror with nothing but a roll of sandpaper. Instead of flushing he will accidentally kill some horrible chaos hellspawn/xeno manipulator/mutant abomination, thereby saving the Imperium.
Inqusitorial Toiletry
When an Inquisitor drops his pants and sits down, a malfunction in the toilet programming may cause the toilet-cleaning servitor to code an Exterminatus order into the Inquisitor's dataslate. That's why so many worlds are being purged these days.
Daemonhunters - The best toilets in the Imperium, capable of flushing any amount of waste with impossible ease. Unfortunately, they are highly expensive and after you use them, there's a possibility of mind scrubbing or summary execution.
Witchhunters - PURGE YOUR WASTE WITH HOLY PROMETHIUM IN THE NAME OF THE EMPEROR!
Alienhunters - Classified by order of the Holy Ordos of the Emperors Inquisition for suspected use of xeno-technology.
Foul Toilets of the Xenos
Eldar Toiletry
The very existence of Eldar toilets is debatable, since the book Xenology suggests that Eldar may, in fact, excrete crystal, which accounts for the copious amount of gemstones on anything the Eldar make.
Eldar toilets, coupled with a diet of cheese and spicy foods, are designed to make shitting as uncomfortable as possible. Rumor has it that Eldrad Ulthran designed the currently used forms.
Ulthwe - All toilets teleport their waste through the webway to preset points in space and time, causing little bits of Eldar shit to land atop your helmet at just the wrong moment. Just as planned.
Saim-Hann - Screams around at insane speeds throughout the craftworld, allowing the user to engage in flying joust matches of doom while relieving himself.
Alaitoc - Their toilets are experimental sniper rifles that use Eldar turds for projectiles.
Iyanden - No toilets as everyone is stuck as a wraithbone construct.
Biel-Tan toilets sing hymns of ancient glories and fill the seater with desire to kill all untermensch xenos.
Dark Eldar - ...do you really want to stick an exposed part of your body inside something made by the Dark Eldar? (and the overwhelming fanboy response is... YES)
- Kabalite toilets actually seem innocent at first glance (well, apart from the excess spikes) but will often turn out to be booby-trapped and will launch poisoned spikes into the buttocks of whoever tries to use them, preferably a hierarchical superior.
- Whych cults do not need toilets. Once they're finished cutting up their enemies, they dump in the bleeding wounds of whichever ones are still alive.
- Incubi sects have access to ancient, amazing toilets rumored to date from before the Fall, but only a few have the right to use them. The only way to obtain the right to use them is to kill someone who has it in a duel.
- Most of the time, any Dark Eldar or human naive enough to sit on a toilet from a Hamonculus coterie this will get horribly tortured and raped by a grotesque disguised as a toilet. Other times the toilets usually have pins on the seats or acid packs in the flush mechanism.
Tau Toiletry
Tau - Each caste has its own specific type of toilet.
- The Fire Caste's toilets are optional wargear for their battlesuits.
- The Earth Caste install toilets right into their worker drones, in case they need to pinch a loaf while designing said battlesuit.
- The Air Caste simply shit into long vials (their long, slender bodies produce long, slender shits) and use them as bombs in air raids.
- The Water Caste will simply fashion a toilet out of the bodies of the Imperial diplomats that declare war on them.
- The Ethereals have evolved to the point where they shit morale in its purest, sweetest form. And they don't even need to wipe afterward!
Kroot - Quietly spread throughout the galaxy to every species. With every subsequent flush, the toilet becomes more and more adapted to handling that species' shit.
Vespid - Recycle their waste to build hives.
Farsight Enclave - Of the highest caliber technology, but only one is allowed per 3 battalions. Many are also cracked, dirty, and fixed many times. They're also very low and tell the user that he "needs to shorten his reach." Commander Farsight's personal field commode glows with strange energy and vaporizes any dung that falls into it.
Gue'vasa - Tau give port-o-potties to human settlements as to encourage joining the Greater Good. They're so helpful they even wipe for you. The disinfectant it sprays afterwards, however, may render you sterile and then tag you to be escorted to a work and reeducation camp, depending on your answers to the Mandatory Psychological Survey hooked up to bio-feedback monitors on the seat.
Other Assorted Plumbing
Ork - Painted red. Has a mounted Big Shoota and Bigga Choppa in case there's a line and the other Boyz are getting impatient. It only flushes because they truly believe it has a plumbing system. In some cases, however, Orky toilets are actually a sneaky grot trick to loot your arse. Squigs are of course mandatory.
Necron - Ever wonder what those Monoliths were originally designed for? Effects vary depending on which C'tan:
- Nightbringer's - reaches up into your rectum, and pulls out your entire large intestine, turds and all.
- Void Dragon's - leaves you with a robotic ass and no need to ever crap again.
- Deceiver's - The best toilet in the universe, but it flushes backwards.
- Outsider's - Ashamed of its stench, it built a Dyson sphere so nobody would have to smell it.
Tyranid Bio-toilets - Actually a subspecies of Gaunt.
Squats - They're short, wide and full of beer, but no one believes they exist anymore. now Canon!
Malal - Trying to destroy all other Chaos toilets but none believes he exists.