The God-Emperor of Mankind
 This article is awesome. Do not fuck it up. |
The God-Emperor of Mankind, also known as Tha Emprah, Emps, The Big E and Space Hitler and also sometimes called The great and glorious Mac daddy king of all things awesome is the figurehead ruler of the Imperium of Man in the Warhammer 40k universe and possesses unimaginable levels of manliness. The administration he established continues to govern the Imperium in his name, but it is generally accepted that the absence of the Emperor's proper guidance is what has turned the Imperium into the hellish mess that it is. In the Imperium, questioning whatever your superior tells (yells) you the Emperor's word happens to be that day, is treason and heresy, typically punished by execution. Were The Emperor alive up and about in the 41st millennium, it goes without saying that he would be disappoint.
If you hear any other voice than Peter Cullen's in your head when you read his lines in the Horus Heresy books, you are a heretic. Who is he?*BLAM* He's the guy that voiced Optimus Prime! What about pa trick Stewart? Sean Bean? Karl Urban? what are you nuts? <-- Eh, your right, Sean Bean always dies, and the Emperor could never possibly die!
BUT HE'S ALREADY DEAD! OLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL*BLAM* HERESY!!!
Exception? The Last Church. It is permissible to substitute the voice of whatever angry militant atheist appeals to you most/least for the duration of this one (short) story. Also, according to that same story, this asshole wiped out Scandinavia, right when Scandinavia was getting fun again. So FUCK HIM. According to the Horus Heresy books that mention the Unification Wars, he burned down a lot of things on a partially recovering Terra.
The entire history of the Emprah
The being who would be known as the Hitler was apparently born 8000 B.C in Albania, making him a Proto-Hittite(Hatti?) probably. He was the result of ancient human psykers (known as Shamans) entering a suicide pact to be reborn into a single individual who would be able to protect humanity from the Chaos Gods. A lot of the Emperor's personal history is unknown, but it known that around the 11th or 12th century, he battled a shard of the Void Dragon in Libya, eventually defeating it and locking it up on Mars, allowing for the eventual rise of the Adeptus Mechanicus. He also masqueraded as many prophets, leaders and wise men throughout history to nudge humanity towards a more ordered society, including Jesus, Mohammad, Buddha, Gaius Julius Caesar, Winston Churchill and so on. If this is true, it took their collective minds that long to see that Peace and Love wasn't working and that the only way for anything to go their way was at gunpoint/swordpoint. Also presumably for most of his life, Big E has been a lot shorter than we now know him to be. He was like... nine feet tall (ish) at his prime (ie taller than a primarch) but throughout most of human existence this would have made him kinda obvious. So yeah. He can magically grow. He just used his awesome mind powers to appear the hell like he wanted to all the non-psychic morons he attempted to lead.
At the close of the Age of Strife, the Emperor re-united humanity when it was going to shit with constant wars by establishing the Imperial Army, which later became what is known today as the Imperial Guard after a split with the Navy. After that, he made the original 20 Space Marine Legions, each comprised of 10,000 Space Marines rather than the present Chapters of 1,000 (though the legions each grew to have about 100,000 members). Each Space Marine is made using the DNA of a specific Primarch. The Primarchs were lesser clones the Emperor made of himself, because nobody else is badass enough to lead his great armies, but his own flesh and blood they however weren't as strong as their father and not all of them inherited his Psyker abilities. However the Chaos Gods then whisked them away and scattered them through the Galaxy. The Emperor then spent most of his years finding his sons while conquering planets, reestablishing human sovereignty across the galaxy.
After he found 18 of the 20 Primarchs, he assigned them to their respective legions and had them retake humanity in a the Great Crusade, a military campaign of a grand scale, this is also when the Spehss mahreens were at their awesomest. After much time, the Horus Heresy erupts where 9 of the legions rebel against the Empra. The Emperor fought against Horus, daddy's favorite in an epic battle that ended it all at the cost of being mortally wounded to the point that he must be put permanently on a life support machine known as the Golden Throne. All agree that the bronze skinned douchebag deserved it. *BLAM!* EXTRA HERESY!!! After that, the Imperium eventually degraded into the Grimdark empire we all know and love today.
It is established that the Emperor is pretty much the most powerful psyker alive, humbling even the Eldar, and whilst upon the Golden Throne he guides the light of the Astronomican, basically a lighthouse in the warp, which is run by the power of thousands of agonized psykers. He is tens of thousands of years old and has been secretly guiding humanity from behind the scenes for much of his lifetime. Theories variously suggest that he is also Sigmar of Warhammer Fantasy Battle fame, mighty Thor, Chuck Norris, and Jesus. It is uncertain as to whether or not his internment on the Golden Throne is a good thing; some believe that if he were to die, the Imperium would be truly plunged into darkness, whereas others believe that if allowed to finally die he would reincarnate and return to unify the galaxy once more. Whatever the truth of the matter, Games Workshop are never going to advance the story, so it is mostly irrelevant.
The Emprah himself
After he shaved his goatee, his chin radiated a brilliant light through the Warp. The Imperial Navy used this light as a beacon to guide them through that terrible place. He is sometimes referred to as the Empra or Emprah, a joke derived from the voice acting in the Dawn of War game, Soulstorm, specifically Indrick Boreale's final speeches.
The Emperor is so powerful that he could DESTROY SUNS BY SNAPPING HIS FINGERS!!!
The Chaos Gods are scared shitless of this guy, and hope that he dies so they can take over the universe. If the God Emperor were to arise again Chaos would be FUCKED.
The pussy Eldar fear that if the Emperor were to die a new Eye of Terror would be opened and Chaos would take over EVERYTHING!!! *BLAM* Heresy! The Emprah cannot die!
After he was nearly killed by his son, he was placed on the golden throne and hasn't been able to move for the past few millennia, it's been said by most of the fluff that his existence on a day-to-day basis since then was a living hell (In comparison, the process of making astropaths would be like a trip to the dentist.) it's literally the mother/father/uncle/2nd Cousin of all mindfucks, so bad that even a Inquisitor would likely go insane as a result (or anybody else for that matter) and yet he continues.. why? He is maybe the universe's most powerful vegetable but that doesn't mean that he can just sit down and die, oh no it's exactly the opposite, it gives him a shitload of work to do, along with being the lighthouse of the warp guiding the Imperial Navy, he also needs to make the aforementioned astropaths, as well as keeping all the nasties of the warp where they're supposed to be and not spilling over into reality and make the lives of all human beings miserable Or perhaps a combination of Tzeentch perpetuating the stalemate and the influence of Necron technology is doing that. He also does it for the good of man. (sounds kinda familiar, don't it?) In the last year of M41 techpriests discovered that the Golden Throne is failing and the Emperor is DYING so look up! there is a 50/50 chance of the Emperor returning to life.... Or dying forever and everyone in the Imperium becoming a Chaos sex toy/Punching Bag/plague vector/science experiment.(insert Commissar quote here) Pfft, as if Cegorach, Tzeentch, or the Deceiver are going to let one of their paradox poker buddies die.
- "The Emperor was a brilliant scientist, a powerful warrior, and great psyker, but he was a terrible father..."
- -Rowboat Girlyman, Primarch of the Ultramarines,
telling it like it isBitching.
Every Saturday night the Emperor gets together with Tzeentch, the Deceiver, and Cegorach for a game of Paradox Poker. They have to use a new pocket dimension for each of these games because the sheer amount of dickery and JUST AS PLANNED causes the dimension they play in to collapse. Nobody has ever won one of these games. Any who try to watch these games without possessing similar mastery of the fine art of dickery and JUST AS PLANNED will find that their heads will explode into a shower of Necrons, Eldar, SPESS MEHREENS, and Daemons as they cannot comprehend the true form of the game.
But the Emperor is disappoint, because he wanted the Imperium to be a utopi-BLAM HERESY THE IMPERIUM IS THE PERFECT VISION OF THE EMPRAH THE WAY IT IS!
Worship of the Emperor
The Imperium thinks and looks at the Emperor like God himself in relation to Christianity and is more than willing to die in his name or skullfuck the next guy who says anything remotely bad about him. Now, the only reason the Imperium worship the Emperor is that after his fight with Horus and his internment into the Golden Throne, they pretty much forgot what the Emperor taught them, including draining the power of the Chaos Gods by eliminating all kinds of religion and remaining an atheist empire. The Emperor was actually AGAINST any kind of religion as part of his plan for mankind's conquest of the stars-- even if the object of worship would be himself like when he told Lorgar to fuck off with the God-Emperor worship. Although, the Emperor was only half-right about this because he didn't realize that Chaos runs of emotion rather than worship, thus his starvation plan wouldn't have been ultimately successful in the long run. While Chaos does draw more power from direct worship to them, even if worship of them is stopped at large, they can still draw from the everyday emotions.
However, after he went off being the most powerful psychic vegetable in the universe, and lost direct control of the Imperium of man, belief in him sort of helped the Imperium stand together, even if it basically made humanity retarded in the process. The Imperium's faith in the Emperor is basically their biggest anchor of bravery and perseverance in a universe where humanity is constantly beset by:
- unimaginably massive swarms of voracious space lizards who exist only to feed and grow...
- aeons-old zombie-terminator robots from space set on culling all life from the galaxy...
- diabolical celestial beings literally as old as the stars themselves whose single concern is harvesting souls for consumption...
- green-hued xeno-barbarians whose past-times, ambitions, job skills, and dreams can basically be summed-up as bludgeoning...
- technologically advanced space communists wanting to assimilate everyone in their quasi Hindu-Communist empire and whom take after Billy Mays...
- snooty and uncaring space elves that can read minds and who eat, sleep, and live in planet-sized battle cruisers...
- psychotic, hedonistic space elves who routinely torture others to the point of death for sheer amusement before grinding their remains into refined cocaine...
- fanatical zealots that knowingly devote themselves to all that is insane and evil...
- nightmare horrors made real who will rape and/or eat any sentient being they get their goat-hooves on...
- deformed, demented traitors clad in power armor and aided by the evilest forms of weaponry and sorcery ever conceived
Matt WardFuck you, he's your problem. Not ours. - and fuck knows who's the guy in the cardboard box...
Without their faith in the Emperor after his internment into the Golden Throne, the Imperium would have likely gone pants-on-head retarded again like in the pre-Great Crusade days and subsequently devolved into what they were before the Emperor liberated them. So yes, much like IRL religion, it gives them hope and courage to fight on and survive in a universe that leaves the grimdark faucet running everyday.
The possible death of the Emperor
With the Golden Throne being constantly damaged and the Techpriests are too power-armor-on-head rebooted to do anything about it, it is certainly possible that the Emperor may die one day, which will obviously result in all of the Imperial worlds and factions to cry tears of disappointment and subsequently devolve into chaos. There are however, 2 possible outcomes of what will happen if the Emperor should ever die:
The Star Child
Although years of GW's marketing and fluff upgrades have made the claim rather dubious, many fa/tg/guys and optimists still hold out on the theory stating that when the Emperor screwed Horus's soul to the wall, part of the Emperor's soul was also cast into the Warp. This Emprasoul fragment is the Star Child, another god waiting to be reborn - or perhaps be reincarnated into human flesh. If the remains of the Emperor were ever to die, the tiny spark of soul left in his body would re-unite with the greater whole, and according to prophecy, stalemate the four Chaos Gods while the races of the galaxy were left to battle it out in one last great Ragnarok scenario.
This theory is tied closely to the Sensei, a group of either supremely enlightened individuals or dangerous mutant heretic xenos-fuckers, depending on which side of the Inquisition you're on. The Sensei plan to get one of the Sensei sacrificed in the golden throne and the Empra will become the Sensei-Emprah. yay! HERESY!!!
The new Eye of Terror
The Eldar however, say that in the event that the Emperor dies, a new Eye of Terror will be created, plunging Holy Terra and all nearby planets into the Warp. Additionally, a new Chaos God would be created, which will most certainly be a God of all the Grimdarkness in the galaxy, ensuring that it would eclipse all of the powers of the other Gods as the Emperor would finally be the God of all, this is especially true since nearly everything that is grimdark comes from Chaos and the entire WH40K setting is itself a massive pile of it.....that or Malal would burst back into existence.
The Emperor's list of Things to do after Resurrection
Too important to be a sub-section of this article; moved to its own article: Emperor's To-Do List
Gallery
-
The Emperor protects man from all.
-
Son, I am disappoint.
-
Yearbook photo.
-
His groove, do not ruin it.
-
The Emperor is an inter-dimensional being.
-
Search your feelings, you know it to be true.
-
Just imagine if the Chaos Gods didn't scatter the primarchs through out the galaxy... Wait where's that little scamp Omegon? (just off picture, sneaking up behind Guilliman)
-
THE EMPEROR IS NOT A WOMAN! AND THIS ONE IS UGLY, TOO!
-
Emperor Rule 63! NO EXCEPTIONS!
-
-
Death is no excuse to stop bein' pimp.
-
He might be the most powerful psychic vegetable in the universe but the Custodes can't give him a decent hygiene program.
-
Oh God-emperor, how did this get here? I am not good with computers.
-
Not so divine now, is he?
-
Roll d6; stays on the field on seven or less
-
-
A real man never dies, even when he's killed.
-
-
In all His miniature glory
-
The Carrion Lord for whom a thousand souls are juiced each day, so that he may never truly get thirsty.
-
How do you kill what can not die?
-
This painting sold for $900, that lucky ca/tg/url...
We believe in one Lord, the Emperor, the Almighty, ruler of heaven and earth, of all that is, seen and unseen. We believe in one Lord, Emperor of Mankind, the only Lord of creation, eternally begotten of Humanity, Human from Human, Light from Light, true Lord from true Lord, begotten, not made, of one Being with Humanity; through him all things were made. For us and for our salvation he came down from heaven, was incarnate of the Holy Spirit and came among us. For our sake he has faced down Chaos; he withstood death and was enthroned. To this day he lives on in accordance with the Scriptures; he resides upon Mother Terra and is seated upon the throne of Humanity. He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead, and his kingdom will have no end.
We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Emperor, the giver of life, who proceeds from Humanity and the from Terra, who with Humanity and upon Terra is worshipped and glorified, who has spoken through the prophets. We believe in one holy true and divinely guided Ecclesiarchy. We acknowledge one path for the defense against Chaos. We look for the justice for our dead, and the life of the worlds to come. ++ Ayhmen ++
-- the Creed of the Mankind's Council of Nicene of Holy Terra