Tau Diplomacy
The Tau are the only faction in the 40k setting that actively pursue diplomatic channels with other factions. Here are some transcripts detailing some of the more typical negotiations. For extra lulz, imagine the Water Caste representative as having the voice of Starfire from Teen Titans:
Bad Moon: Oi, givez us yer shooty flash or we'll crump the lotta ya!
Water Caste: Are you sure we can't interest you in these grain harvesters?
Bad Moon: Orks don't eat none a' that, we eatz squigs! Now givez uz the flash!
Water Caste: O-okay.
Bad Moon: WAAAAGGHH!
Later
Evil Sun: Hey, we 'erd youz lot gave plasma shootas to boyz. Giv us sum a dem.
Water Caste: Well, I'm sorry, but we don't seem to have any left.
Evil Sun: WAAAAAAGH!
Water Caste: We would like to be the first to welcome you extragalactic travelers to our stars—OH SWEET F-!
'Nids: KEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKE!
(Or, if you believe in 6th Edition Meta...)
Water Caste: Oh dear! This is absolutely dreadful! I require the nearest deployment of battlesuits! And bring the Riptide as well!
(One battle, three dead Zoanthropes, a dozen dead Warriors, a Flyrant and a Swarmlord later...)
Fire Caste Commander: Ah, the power of the Greater Good and intergalactic diplomacy triumphs once again! *Grinds hoof into the Swarmlord's face. Repeatedly.* It is delicious!
Water Caste: The Tau Empire is pleased to open negotiations with those that claim to be the most ancient enemies of the Chaos Barbarians.
Cron: ……*Zap*
(Alternatively)
Trazyn the Infinite: My dear blue lady! Do you realize you are the spitting image of O'Shaa'mal, the Water Caste envoy who first made contact with the Imperium of Man and precipitated the Damocles Gulf Campaign? Now strike a dignified pose while I prepare a stasis grenade.
(Alternatively)
Nemesor Zahndrekh: *riiip* These clothes are terrible! In my day we had reliable stitching. *riiip* Terrible! This merchandise is a shame to Necrontyr weavers everywhere.
Water Caste: Silly robot, those clothes are for Tau.
Vargard Obyron: *Stab* You've said too much.
Water Caste #2: I hear that random strips of cloth are in fashion these days. I'll even give you a discount on those you're looking at now.
Zahndrekh: Really? Sold!
Water Caste: How would you like to pay for these spices and garments?
Noise Marine: I would like to offer a cultural exchange.
Water Caste: What type of cultural exchange?
Noise Marine: A little something I like to call *puts sunglasses on* Rock n' Roll.
Doom Siren: YEEEEAAAAAHHHH!
Water Caste: We would like to extend the hand of friendship to—
Farseer: Fuck off, newfag!
Water Caste: But we could help if—
Farseer: I’d rather die!
(Alternatively)
Water Caste: We would like to extend the hand of friendship to—
Farseer:I predict that an alliance will lead to the ruin of a dozen Tau Septs while ensuring I get a shiny penny next month We already agreed accept your hand of friendship. Honor our terms to go to war.
Water Caste: How many should we commit?
Farseer: Bring your Mon'Keigh allies, they will serve as excellent soldiers against the forces of Chaos we are about to fight and lure them to your worlds so we can plan an ambush together.
Water Caste: It is good to see an elder race taking responsibility and welcoming its juniors into the galactic community.
Archon: Yeeeees…younger races are so soft and supple...they require guidance in this harsh universe, for they often cannot comprehend the ways of their betters.
Water Caste: Sir, why have you wedged your armor's codpiece between my buttocks?
Archon: What gave you the impression that I was wearing a codpiece?
Water Caste: I don't know what you—GAH! AH! OH GOD! OH GOD! AAAHHH—
Water Caste: This vessel, in service to the Tau'va, hails the unkno-
Rak'gol: *BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM!...blam*
Water Caste: On behalf of the Tau Empire, and in the name of the Greater Good which we serve, we are delighted to welcome you, our newest Gue'vesa—why do you have your hands on my breastplate? What are you doing with the restraints of my brassiere? Please stop that.
Human soldier: Hey, I didn't surrender, betray my entire species, and risk the wrath of the Inquisition just because you bluies are decent talkers.
Water Caste: *sighs* Okay, good point...for the Greater Good...I guess.
Human soldier: Whatever gets you through the next 30 hours sure.
Water Caste: As a representative of the Tau Empire, I wish to offer you—
Angry Marine: FUCK YOU, WEEABOO SPACE COMMUNIST!
Water Caste: Actually, your human communism is in no way comparable to our—*PAWNCH*
Angry Marine: ALWAYS ANGRY!! ALL THE TIME!!
Space Marine: Status report: the xenos have reached our positions! Let the light of the Emperor fill your hearts, brothers! Send these beasts back to the slag-hole they have—one moment…damnation! Another foul xenos incoming! DESTROY-
Water Caste: WAAAAAIT, mighty Gue'ron'sha! I come with offerings of cooperation and understanding! I wish you no harm! For now, anyway…
Ending 1
Space Marine: The Codex Astartes says, "Suffer not the alien to live." Soooo—*BLAM* Xenos scum.
Ending 2
Space Marine: WE'RE BUSY, ALIEN! YOU WANT COOPERATION, GET YOUR FORCES OVER HERE AND TELL THEM TO START SHOOTING THOSE OTHER SCUM-SUCKERS NOW!!
Water Caste: O-okay! Fire Caste, I request a deployment to my position to engage the enemy. Not the Gue'la warriors, the other ones!
Ending 3
Flesh Tearer: SHUT UP YOU FUCKING SALMON! SUSHI TIME!
Water Caste: I am sorry, I do not know—what are you doing to my leg?! AAHH! AAAHHH!! AAAAAAARRRRRRGGHH!!!
Flesh Tearer: OMNOMNOMNOMNOM…
Water Caste: I must say, we are surprised that the forces of Chaos are willing at last to negotiate civilly. I must ask, however—what is that…thing beside you?
Chaos Lord: *Hands Water Caste a piece of paper*
Water Caste: *Reading* Hm…a Chaos Spaw—AAAAAACHSPLSHBRBLBRBLBRBLBRBL!!!!!
Water Caste: Most honored visitor from beyond our galaxy, will you accept—
Q'orl: *Cricket Chirps*
Water Caste: Uhhh...why are your proboscises on my pants and—OH SWEET MERCIFUL GO-ARGHGARARARALROLRAL!
Q'orl: *Cricket Chirps*
Water Caste: Ancient race of the cosmos beyond, we, the Tau, would be honored if you—YYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH!
Dalek: EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!
Water Caste: The Tau would gladly welcome an empire of Gue'vesa who are open to peaceful talks rather than mindless violence.
Galactic Empire: You have precisely three seconds to identify before our ships will open fire!
Water Caste: Oh! W-we are an Empire of peac-*BLAM*
Galactic Empire: Whoops, looks like my watch is fast.
(Alternatively)
Emperor Palpatine: Yes....the force is strong in this one...
Water Caste: It would be greatly appreciated if you could inform us what the "Force" is, most honored highne-*Force lightning*-DAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
Emperor Palpatine: You have paid the price for your lack of vision!
Water Caste: We are most honored to welcome the Slaugth to these peaceful negotiations, regardless of how outwardly repugnant you are.
Slaugth: Yessss, we are mosssst honored to sssspeak with ssssuch warm and inviting flessssssh.
Water Caste: Pardon, but why are you referring to our flesh?
Slaugth: Yesss, we speak of your flessssh. We are hungry. Ssssso very, very hungry *Surges forward like a tide of maggots* We ssssshall feassst now.
Water Caste: Please remain on your side of the roo-OH ETHEREALS, IT'S EATING ME! AAAAAHHH!!!! AHHHH!!!
Slaugth: Ssssilence your criesssss. Your flessssh sssserves greater mindssss now.
Water Caste: We are here to inquire as to why you decided to attack a world with nothing but infantry, and then burst into interpretive dance on the battlefield before suddenly walking into our POW camps, it's a bit strange.
Thyrrus: *Flashes weird colours and gurgles.*
Water Caste: ...I don't understand.
Thyrrus: *Strikes a dramatic pose and flashes completely red*.
Water Caste: *Tilts her head in confusion*
Water Caste: Hello sir Prince, we would like to negotiate colonization settlements with your people.
Exodite Prince: Are you going to trash our lands, pollute the planet and drive us out of our homes?
Water Caste: Why would you say something like that, that's a horrible thing to do.
Exodite Prince: Because it's what the humans won't stop doing, now are you going to be like them or not, I need to tend to the shrine of Isha.
Water Caste: Our technology is very environmentally friendly and we will respect your original land boundaries. Could you tell me about "sorcery"? The Ethereals are very curious.
Exodite Prince: You wouldn't understand even if I gave you a century kid.
Water Caste: Kid!? I'm twenty!
Exodite Prince: Wow, you really are just a little baby.
Water Caste: Hello there, do you have a permit for your stage performance?
Harlequin: Of course, of course *shows her*, hey you wanna hear a joke?
Water Caste: Sure, I suppose I have enough time.
Water Caste: *At the hospital a day later* Ow my sides.
Water Caste: We will be honored to join with you in destroying this Chaos threat, Gue'la.
Inquisitor: YOU KNOW NOTHING OF CHAOS! YOU ARE WORSE THAN THE CULTISTS THEMSELVES! DEATH TO THE XENOS AND THEIR HERESY!
Water Caste: Please, if you would-*BLAM*
Alternative ending
Inquisitor: Very well, we have use for you...as fodder for the heretics as they march towards you in overwhelming force.
Water Caste: Um, I request the presence of any Fire Caste cadre within the vicinity! We have an ally that is willing to help us... *Poo lands on face* And he has pets.