Risk

A terrible, terrible board game of Napoleonic world conquest where you move around tiny plastic soldiers and cannons and pretend you're making any sort of strategic choices. Even though the pieces are different, every unit is exactly the same. All your fate depends on dice rolls and how soon you manage to hog the best territories.

For all the awful that is Risk, most of us were raised on it, and learned tactics by playing it, much the same way a caveman learns that banging one rock on another makes noise. Or a kid learns what tastes good by putting everything in her mouth.

What Parcheesi is to race games, and "Asshole" is to trick-taking games, Risk is to wargames.

Rules

Coming soon, so you can see the suck for yourself.

Maps

Most "improvements" on the game just create new maps instead of actually fixing or adding to the mechanics.

• 

  the original map without names

• 

  the naked original map

• 

  Playing Risk as a LARP

Variations

There have been many versions of Risk made, because people keep believing that there's a good wargame somewhere in this simulation built with twigs and grass, and by god they keep looking. And failing. The only successes at making Risk into a somewhat deep or stimulating game all move it far enough away from Risk that even the play-map becomes unrecognizable.

• Nuclear Risk: after each player has had a turn, draw the top card of the territories deck. All units in that territory are eliminated, and the territory is uninhabitable. Last person standing wins.
• Castle Risk: uses capital cities, and action cards you play out of hand.
• Hyborian Risk: same old risk, with a Conan-themed map.
• Narnia Risk: WORSE than the original, somehow managed to make it even more dumbed-down for the kiddies.
• Risk Godstorm. You get four superunits that are Greek gods. Your dead armies are reinforcements in an "afterlife" map where the dead duke it out for a chance to return and reinforce on the real map.
• Risk Revised Edition: The official "Risk plus splatbooks." Has optional rules for missions, castles, new units, etc.
• Risk Transformers. Not as cool as it sounds.
• Risk: Star Wars. Three sides: Rebels vs. Empire vs. Hutts, each with a different deck of cards. Force-meter to swing advantages to Rebels or Empire, different objectives for each side... this isn't Risk anymore.
• Risk: Star Wars Clone Wars. See Risk Star Wars, only it's just Rebels vs. Empire, and Rebels are fucked when Order 66 happens.
• Risk Middle Earth : forces players to be allies (men & elves vs Sauraman & Sauron), has a count-down timer as a ring unit marches across the board to mount doom.
• Risk Édition Napoléon. One player is Napoleon and everyone else tries to beat him up. Tries to be historically accurate, only, y'know, Napoleon isn't an idiot this time around. Or nearly as short.
• Risk: Halo Wars Collector's Edition. (gagging noises)
• S.P.Q.RisiKo! Risk of Ancient Rome. Only sold in Italy; seems someone else has the copyright on Julius Caesar in America.
• Risk 2210AD. Actually a decent game, and doesn't look or feel like original Risk at all. Surprise surprise.
• Risk Balance of Power. 2 player wargame with missions and a third dummy player. Again, better than Risk by being not Risk.
• Risk Express. Risk without the armies or the world map. Just dice and drink coasters. I'm not making this up.
• GoCrossCampus. Risk as a LARP. I swear to god I'm not making this up.
• Axis & Allies. Okay, not actually Risk, but Risk looks up to A&A and wants to be like that when it grows up.

Also, the 40k Dawn of War games Dark crusade and Soulstorm implement the same structure but instead of a territory's conquest determined by 1-4 dicerolls, it is determined by a 40 minute game of 40k. Needless to say, it's much better.