Heretical Love

The following article is a /tg/ related story or fanfic. Should you continue, expect to find tl;dr and an occasional amount of awesome.

"In the grim darkness of the future, there is only war… and sweet xeno love."

A quest thread on /tg/ started by the user Papa-N (!!94V8GGifJkU), it concerns the last Guardsman left on the planet of Yagis V.

Introducing Maximus Decarus, Pimp of the Imperium.

Oh yes, it's that kind of quest thread. Cut, organised and ribbed for extra reading pleasure.

Exploits so far have included (but are not limited to) fighting a fish-god, besting Doomrider in a motorcycle joust, charging Abaddon the Despoiler with a knife, being killed by (and then subsequently sleeping with) a group of Daemonettes, soloing a Defiler and surfing the chaos of the warp with the Big E himself.

Papa-N has also become (in)famous for trolling his loving public with alternate story endings, or bizarre tangents. These are listed at the bottom. They are extra heretical. You have been warned.

Next Thread

Since the story is still ongoing, Papa-N created a Twitter which he will use to say when the next thread is.

You can find it here: http://twitter.com/#hereticalloveQ

This article contains PROMOTIONS! Don't say we didn't warn you.

THE STORY

Thread 1: IT'S HERESY TIME

You are Inquisitor Maximus Decarus, feared by xeno and heretic alike. You leave fried Orks and charred Eldar in the wake of your fleet’s exterminatus as you sail about the stars in the Emperors name.

Haha, just kidding, you are Max Decarus, lowly trooper in the Emprah’s imperial guard. Orks don’t seem to notice your lasgun and the last Eldar you saw wiped out half of your squad and insulted your mother. You were just a boot when your landing ship touched down on Yagis V, and you have quickly ascended nothing in rank by your heroic deeds of fleeing and being lucky enough to stay out of the Commisar’s sights.

Today… Today isn’t much different.

You feebly fire your glorified laser pointer in the general direction of a horde of charging Orks, you don’t need to aim, you would have to try to miss. It’s not like hitting them does much anyways.

A Monolith appears suddenly to your left, just warped on in. From where is anyone’s guess. “Thank the Empruh, spess muhreens!” You hear a guardsman cry out, voice mystified with adoration. Sure enough, six of the Emprah’s finest waltz up behind your position, sizing up the Monolith. “FOR THA EMPROOOOAAAARRRR!!!” They howl simultaneously as they bound over the low barricade protecting you from shootah fire. The space marines charge out, waving chainswords menacingly and looking fierce. The Monolith doesn’t even move as gauss fire obliterates every last astartes. Welp…

You have to believe the stories of the space marines are if nothing else, highly exaggerated. This is the second time you’ve seen those blue suited bastards scream litanies and charge to their doom. The first time at a Chaos Titan of all things…

“We are so fucked.” You groan as Chaos Daemons start warping in between you and the Orks. At least they have nice tits… Purple and attached to warp beasts who would enjoy little more than ripping you apart. But still, you didn’t know Daemonettes were stacked. A Fire Prism from out of nowhere busies itself with hammering away at your squad, as quite obviously you are the real threat here. You, huddling low and shaking in your “armor”. Some Fire Warriors show up and start blasting away as well, sure why the fuck not, one giant “kill some guardsmen” party… Hours later you somehow pull yourself from under a pile of rubble and Orks, seeing no one around. There is a Vox nearby, and you give it a try. “Guys?” you ask quietly. Up in the dark sky you see the Imperial Cruiser you arrived in snap in half as an Ork ship just rams on through it. “…Guys?” “…” No response, just static. All of this because this planet was home to a power fist that for whatever reason the machine cult had been worshipping for millennia… Well at least the Armory is nearby, so you scrounge for some equipment.

You find an unused Commissar uniform. Some call me the Commisar of Love. *BLAM* The hat is probably the coolest thing ever, the sword and pistol are both pretty sweet, but this fucking hat, seriously. You are too busy flexing and posing in a mirror to notice a servo skull float up behind you. The skull beeps and you whirl around, flailing your new sword and busting a cap as you pop off rounds. Wu Tang Clan ain’t nuthin to fuck wit. “Oh, it’s just you…” You are glad no one was around to see you.

The skull scans you and must think you really are a Commisar because it starts playing a message. You listen intently as it lays out tactical data for all the Xenos here. Interesting. A nearby Vox rattles out a quick message, identifying itself as a sister of battle. The Mechanicus command is nearby as well. Well there isn’t much else to do, may as well check out some of these leads. Who knows, maybe you can find some help or even a way off this rock… Or get your knob slobbed, it could happen.

Many Guardsmen mistakenly believe that the Sisters of Battle are allies that can be trusted entirely. What they fail to realize is that often times a Sister is just as likely to roast you for even a whiff of heresy as they are to help you. They also have a VERY broad and often convoluted definition of heresy. For this reason, you approach the rhino transport with utmost caution. True, you did track the broadcast to this vehicle, but you don’t trust a Sorita unless she is far separated from the nearest incineration device. You clear your throat and knock on the rear hatch of the transport.

“Sister of Battle, this is Commisar Decarus, are you in there?” A jet of fire almost engulfs you, missing by nigh more than a foot. You dive out of the way as another firing port opens right in front of your face. The ramp drops with a thud and a Sorita comes screaming out, chainsword roaring and fire bursting all around her. Only after several moments does she slow to a stop, gazing around hawkishly, as her flamer dies down. “Am I still alive?” You ask, having ducked and covered as you had learned to do. Her eyes snap to you and you feel them burning as hot as her flamer, as though boring into your very being. You know she is eyeing you for any glimpse of heresy, you pray she doesn’t pick up on any. If she does, you might be lucky enough to garner a quick death via chansword rather than a drawn out burning ordeal. Though likely not.

“Die heretic!” “No, fuck you, you crazy bolter bitch, I’m not a heretiiicccccc!!!” You howl as you dodge yet another slash of her chainsword. She’s fast, too fast, and in her armor far stronger than you are. The sword comes back around just after you dodged, you don’t have time to avoid it this time. You throw up your hands in some kind of pitiful defense. The roaring implement of demise slashes down toward you, is this it? Is this how you end up? Cut to pieces on some xeno world by a cute but slightly crazy “ally”?

An instant before the chainsword crashes home into your soft, fleshy frame, a blinding golden light flashes. The chainsword flys out of the Sorita’s hand and lands in the dirt yards away. She blinks at you, clearly in shock. “It must be a sign…” She whispers, and she kneels in quick prayer. You get up off the ground and dust off your hat. You aren’t sure what happened, but if it hadn’t you would be dead. In the flash of light, you swear you glimpsed a golden pauldron of some kind. But that isn’t possible, you must have just been seeing things.

You squirm a bit under her gaze, which doesn’t let up as her face draws ever closer… “Hmph, something saved you today, the Emprah must be watching over you. Still, I can’t ignore such an obvious sign.” She sets down her weapons and takes a seat on a piece of rubble, sighing as she does so.

You can’t help but notice, even for a Sorita, she is really damn cute. She sports a shorter cut of the Sister’s standard white hair, though with the addition of a small purity seal hair pin. Her face is smooth, and she sports a small inqusitiorial tattoo under her left eye, which is blue. You notice her right eye, in comparison, is green. Admittedly however, you have a hard time concentrating on any of these details. After all, you’ve never been this close to a Sorita, especially one with such massive sweater squiggies, who also tried to kill you. Emprah be praised, sometimes this grim and dark universe offers a brief reprieve of bliss. Though the grimdark of the fact you almost got flayed still has you pretty shaken up.

“S-s-s-so, w-w-w-what are you doing here?” Your voice is shaky, must be the adrenaline. You sit down and put your hat on your lap to cover up your massive erection, must be the adrenaline, maybe. She looks you over again before answering, the steel in her eyes still very apparent. She doesn’t trust you, and you can’t exactly blame her. Golden flashes of light and all. “I got separated from my sisters when the Chaos Marines hit our position, the defiler they brought with them overwhelmed our zeal, we clearly were not faithful enough.” She looks at her hands dejectedly, as though disgusted with herself.

“Do you have any idea what in the name of the Emprah is happening here? I mean, how many of our forces are left, how screwed are we?” You ask, placing the hat back on your head. She looks back at you and shrugs. “You probably know most of it. Our troops are scattered at best, the guard is more or less wiped out, and the space marines… well…” she trails off, looking annoyed. “Did they charge another Titan and or Monolith?” “A Knarloc…” She says through her double facepalm.

Your foot feels itchy and restless, you rub at it through your boot absent mindedly. “So what your trying to tell me, is we are pretty screwed?” She shrugs in her armor, lowering her hands. “The guard and astartes perhaps, but I know my Sisters are alive and bolstering their strength, I just know it!” She suddenly looks hopeful, the fire back in her eyes. It’s not like you have much going on anyway. “Want me to help you find them, your sisters I mean? I’m sure they are just fine.” She stands up and walks over to you, placing one of her gauntleted hands on your shoulder. “I’m glad to hear it, I’ll accept your help Commissar.” She beams at you before slowly looking away, averting her eyes. You notice she is blushing a bit as she rubs her lip with a finger. “…and I’m sorry I tried to purge you.” You barely hear her. Your heart is pounding in your ears being this close to her. You might need to move your hat again, damn adrenaline. She suddenly spins around and pumps a fist. “All right, let us venture forth and find my Sisters!” The sudden change snaps you out of your dreamy state.

“Huzzzzah!” you yell as you drive your boot into her backside She yelps in surprise and spins around, glaring at you, teeth bared in rage. “That’s for trying to flay me without even having a POSSIBLE REASON as to why I was somehow a heretic.” You shout at her. Her temper briefly flares but suddenly subsides and she nods. “I’ve rightly earned that, perhaps my zeal was… ah… too hot this day.” “Damn right it was…” You mutter as you cross your arms. “Anyways, where exactly are we headed?” You ask. She looks at you quizzically. “I thought perhaps you knew, Commissar. As the Emperor’s hand seems to rest on your shoulder this day.” You don’t say anything, it’s evident neither of you have any idea where to go.

""Grab my hand and spin with me sister!" You yell, outstretching your hand toward her. "Wh-what?" She asks, taking a step back and perhaps re-evaluating your level of heresy. You dive in and snatch her hand, pulling her in close to you. Your eyes meet and in that moment of primordial passion you begin to spin. Faster and faster you go, where you'll wind up nobody knows.

"TO THE SKIES!" You bellow suddenly, stopping the spin. "Huh?" The surprised Sorita gasps. You pull her to a nearby Valkerie, and together you clamor inside. "Do you uh... Know how to drive one of these?" You stop pushing buttons and flipping switches to look over at her for a moment. "No I do not, and knowing is half the battle." With a lurch the Valkerie lifts off and jets away, as you cruise about the skies with impunity. "WERE GOING DOWNNNNN!" The sister bellows, grabbing for something to brace the impact. The craft slams into the pavement hard, and suddenly breaks through the ground below...

"Are we dead?" The Sorita asks, rubbing her head. You feel around, you don't think you are. "That would be my ASS Commissar..."

Meanwhile, in the legion of doom...

"Lord Abbadon, we have completed the final preparations, we are prepared to use THAT."

Abbadon, the embodiment of Chaos, almost allows himself to crack a smile. Soon this world w...

A loud crash is heard overhead and Abbadon gazes up to see what caused the ruckus. A second later, the cockpit of a Valkyrie sinks down into view. Inside, a Commissar and a Sorita...

"I was just looking for the instrument panel..." You lie, not sure what drove you to try to cop a feel over power armor. The Valkyrie sinks into the dirt and suddenly drops down into a cave below. And Abbadon the Despoiler is staring you in the face.

"Oh Emprah, THRUSTERS TO MAXIMUM! LET FLY ALL GUNS" You punch the controls and slam every button you can reach. The Valkyrie's engines roar and the frontal guns and missiles erupt to life. Or they would if the power wasn't dead. Abbadon's companion rips open the cockpit of the ship, as Abbadon himself has no arms, and wrenches you out, holding you in his power claw. This is probably the end for you. The Sorita is snatched up by two other Chaos Marines in Terminator armor. This really, really doesn't look good. Still, there's nothing like a good blaster at your side kid.

The Chaos Marines are too busy cackling madly to notice you slipping your laspistol out of its holster. "Its Blamming time!" Your first shot hits the one holding you under the jaw, and at point blank range there is nothing to save him. The power claw goes slack and he drops you to the ground as his corpse falls backwards. With excellent accuracy you headshot one of the Terminators holding your Sorita friend, and he fudges his save and dies because fuck him. The other one drops the sisters arm and runs. "Nooooo, noooooo!!! Seize them! Seize theemmmmm!!!" Abbadon howls after you as you grab the Sorita's arm and break into a run.

"Abbadon, your reign of heresy ends TODAY!" You draw your sword and ready yourself, steeling your nerves for what you are about to do. Wait are you about to attack fucking Abbadon THE DESPOILER? Too late, your legs are already moving, propelling you at full force right at the embodiment of heresy. "Commissar no!" You hear the Sorita call out from behind you. This attack could well decide the fate of the Imperium as man as you know it.

You swing with all your might, but it only slams into the side of Abbadon's exposed head and doesn't penetrate more than a millimeter. He reels backwards and trips over his foot, crashing onto his back. You thought about finishing him off until a horde of Chaos Marines come charging from a passage in the cave. "Time to go!" You yell as you grab the Sorita and throw her over your shoulder. Holy fuck she is heavy, that power armor weighs a ton. Still, you can't be a little bitch right now. You toss her into the passenger seat of the Valkyrie and jump in yourself. Furiously you smash and kick and scream at the controls. The Chaos Marines are close enough to start shooting now, and they do. Bolter rounds slam into the hull of the vehicle all around you. "By the Empruh you will start this day!" You scream as you shoot the instrument panel. The machine spirit reluctantly gives and the craft shudders to life. Wasting no time you throw it in R and hit max throttle.

"I'll get you next time Commissar! NEXT TIME!!!!" Abbadon howls at you, shaking his fist in rage, if he had one. With a terrible screech the craft throws itself backwards out of the hole and soars ass-first into the sky. While its true you did manage to put this punk machine spirit in its place, it is also true that you still don't know how to fly this damn thing. Worse yet, the engines are losing power and the control panel is flashing on and off. This bird is going down, the question is, where?

"Hey, since we might die when you try to land this thing, whats your name?" The Sorita looks over to you and asks. You look away from the instrument panel momentarily. "Its Max, not sure why you want to know a silly thing like that." She looks away. "Max..." She says softly. "And how about you, what can I call you?" Her gaze snaps back to you. "Lycheria. Sister Lycheria." The left engine flames out, looks like this is going to be another hard landing.

The roof of the manifactorum is underneath you, and though it is quite an impressively large structure, you do question your own landing skills. The Valkyrie shudders and bucks as its last remaining engine struggles to keep the craft stable. Wind whips though the now exposed cockpit. "Hey!" The Sorita yells over the din. "If this is the end for us, I just wanted to let you know, I was glad to meet you Max." She finishes with a small smile. The sight give you a bit of confidence, but still, the task before you is daunting. "Here goes nothing right?" You grip the controls hard. The ship is coming in to hot, but there is little more you can do than try to hold her steady, hope the roof holds, and hope you don't go skidding off of it and crash into the ground far below the building.

With some kind of deft skill you must have latently been concealing up until this point, you actually manage to set the Valkyrie down fairly lightly for a flaming hunk of fire and hate. When the craft finally skids to a stop and the painful screaming subsides, you open your eyes. “Do stop screaming will you…” Lycheria asks, looking at you dubiously. You lay back in your seat and wipe the sweat off your face. Yesterday you were stealing extra rations from the barracks, today you’ve fought off one of the Imperium’s greatest foes, landed a ship you didn’t know how to fly, and actually lived to tell the tale. Lycheria gets up and stretches, her curvy frame filling up your view against a backdrop of sky. “What’s the matter?” She tilts her head back to look at you playfully. “Carnifex got your tongue?” You smile, but your vision is getting hazy. You try to get up and find that you can’t. Looking down, you see why. A piece of shrapnel from the shredded canopy has annoyingly lodged itself in your chest. Blood drips down from the wound. Lycheria’s face goes white-er, as she notices the wound. She rushes over to you quickly and pulls apart your clothing to get a better look at the wound. “Its… Its serious, but nothing you can’t survive.” She pulls you to your feet. “We’re going to go find you some help, get you patched up. By the Emperor’s holy codpiece you had better not die on me.” As she pulls you up, the shrapnel falls out of the wound. What looked like a piercing blow by a large shard is little more than a flesh wound. Both of you stop dead. Until Lycheria smacks you across the head.

“You bastard! I was actually worried about you there!” She screams frantically. And before you know it, her lips are pressed to yours. They are disarmingly soft, you don’t know why you had always assumed a Sorita’s outside would be tough, but it isn’t. The feeling is blissful, and you don’t want it to end. “Sorry, but I think I do have a concussion…” You mumble. “Well we will just have to get that treated, but you should be fine in the meantime. I’ll bandage up your wound though.” Lycheria grabs the medkit out of the husk of the Valkyrie and pops it open.

She tries unsuccessfully to open some packages and then sighs. “Power armor, good for many things, detail work not being one.” Her armor disengages itself and she begins to remove it. You’ve never seen a Sister or astartes remove their armor, it’s pretty interesting. Especially the part where her breastplate falls forward and her tits bounce from the release, though still hidden in a tight sports bra. (+1 as needed to contain tits of this magnitude.) She suddenly notices your eyes, and possibly the strand of drool leading to quite a puddle on the roof. “Like what you see, Commissar?” You're taken aback by the question. If you say yes, will she kill you or unlock full dere mode? Fucking women how do they work?

“…And if perhaps, I do?” You inquire. She picks you up by your collar and pulls you close, you can feel her hot breath on your face. “Then, Max, you had better be willing to see it through to the end.” Her lips meet yours again, a reunion that sets the sky alight with color and causes strange xeno birds to sing their song of triumph. Her breasts, though caged in her tight clothing and begging to be set free, smoosh themselves into your chest. Heaven, this is HEAVEN. The Emperor himself bro-fists you from the golden throne. “Sister Lycheria, is that you?” A voice calls out from the side of the building. Lycheria lets you go and whirls around. “Sister Candis, is that you!?” She cries out joyfully. “Indeed it is, come over here and we will get you off the roof.” The other sister yells back. Your first chance at some sweet warrior-girl-from-space action and you get cockblocked. HARD. Go figure...

Thread 2: EXTRA HERESY

Commissars Log. Planet: Yagis V. Date: Unknown

The Sister Candice has proven to be a powerful foe indeed. It is likely her cockblocking skills are the most feared in the entire sector, and perhaps beyond. The Soritas and I explored the manafactorium I so skillfully landed that wretched craft on. Inside can only be described as Glorious. An Imperial thong production plant, until this point I had only heard whispers and rumors of their existence, or read tidbits of information in tomes millennia old. The Sisters took the chance to change into some new undergarments, fresh off the line. Unfortunately I was apprehended in my Emperor-sanctioned quest to peek, and nearly lost my life to the hail of bolter and flamer fire that followed. Still, I did manage to catch a brief glimpse of perfection. Dat ass. Worse yet than being caught perhaps, Abbadon somehow obtained my personal communicator frequency. He has been spamming my textual box with death threats and pictures of… Terrible, terrible things of the most damaging kind. He is kind of a dick. My devoted follower Lycheria beckons for me. Commissar out.

“Hey Max, we are going to head to our personal ship. The Sisters were debating on whether or not to bring you along, and decided not to after your little… Ah… Stunt.” Lycheria looks disappointed, though not at you. “So that’s it, then?” You ask, not thrilled about being left behind. Nor about being separated from the crazy but cute bolter bitch. “For now, but I know the Emperor will bring us back together again. Here, have my personal channel, you can call or message me any time.” She slips a piece of paper into your pocket before looking around slyly. Seeing no one watching, she plants another kiss before turning to follower her Sisters. You watch sadly as she walks away, until she turns back one last time to shout at you with a smile. “If you don’t call me, I’ll BURN YOU ALIVE!” Well, time to figure out what to do.

Well with your party disbanded leaving you with but a single mana potion, you don’t really know what to do. Pretty much every xeno here would just as soon kill than perhaps eat you before you could even get a word in edgewise. You've never met an Eldar before, not that you really make a habit of meeting xenos for smalltalk, what with it being heresy and all. Still, if you had to pick, the Eldar seem perhaps the least likely to disembowel you for either fun or sacrifice to an ancient god. At least you think so, you admit you skimmed (see tldr) the Eldar chapters of your training manual.

With (though perhaps misplaced) optimism, you set out in search of those tall spindly xenos. Although thinking back, you swear the Farseer you saw stood at least a foot and a half shorter than the other Eldar around her. The journey is long and arduous on foot, wind threatens to take the hat right off your head. You can’t let that happen. Compounding the suck is the fact that you literally have nothing to eat and haven’t eaten anything since the last ration you had with your guardbros. Your stomach howls at you with the fury of the warp and the ‘nid swarm rolled into one. You scan everywhere, looking for something, ANYTHING to devour. Your heart sinks as you abandon all hope, Vagis V must be devoid of food. That is, until, you catch the scent of something that smells absolutely, decadently, delicious. Ravenous now, you pick up your pace as you follow your nose. A strangely colored bird with a massive beak darts around overhead. The sight of a fire a hundred yards away stops you dead in your tracks. You know better than to just rush in, you don’t have many friends left on this planet. Stalking now, you draw ever closer until you take cover behind a small pile of rock and peek out. Sitting in the clearing, roasting some kind of small animal carcass on the fire, is the Farseer you saw yesterday.

You remain silent as you sit and watch. The Farseer doesn’t seem to notice you as she checks on her food. A roasting animal shouldn’t smell this good. It isn’t just your hunger either, something is up. Heresy, it must be heresy. Or psychers, fuck you don’t know. She must think her food is ready, because she takes the spit off of the fire to let the meat cool. Slowly she looks around and you hide to avoid her gaze. Fairly certain she is safe, the Farseer lifts off her helmet and shakes out her hair. Beautiful, silky red hair. It’s long, long enough to reach down to her ass, and it looks thick even from here. She’s cute. You didn’t know Eldar could be cute. Though really, you didn’t know what Eldar looked like without their helmets on. You had always assumed terrible soulless eyes and a gaping maw filled with teeth and two ever-moving mandibles. The Farseer cautiously takes a bite of the roast and her face lights up. It must taste good. By the Emprah, you want some of that food… You watch as she rips off chunk after chunk with her teeth. Not a very ladylike way to eat, but you would look like a barbarian in comparison at the moment. Instantly and suddenly her eyes snap to you, as if she just knew you were there. With a startled cry she drops her meal and grabs her spear, bringing it to bear right at you. Before you can shout out anything, the rocks in front of you explode away, knocking you backwards. The Farseer runs at you, clearly intent on running you through. You manage to dodge just in time, but she’s coming around for another go. It doesn’t seem she has any intention of talking with you.

You draw your sword and turn to face her, swinging your weapon around in skillful arcs. She pauses at the sight, you must have dazzled her with your awesomeness. “NOPE, fuck this.” You yell as you swing the sword down like a golf club and slash up a blast of sand. It hits her in the eyes and she curses, at least you think so. You break into a dead run, pumping furiously. Looking back, you see she is hot on her tail, despite clawing at her eyes. Now you should be able to outrun someone shorter than you. After all, being in the guard you are In pretty damn good shape. Why then, is she gaining on you? “Fucking sorcery!” You yell as a flying kick catches you in the back, knocking you face-first into the sand. You knew you should have tried to fight, as you feel the tip of the spear press into your back. It’s all over now… But a quiet rumble in the distance causes you both to pause and look up. Whatever it is, its getting closer, and fast. Through the haze you manage to make out that it’s a lone figure on a motorcycle. And his head is on fire.

Wait… Is that fucking Doomrider? You remember the myths and stories as a lad growing up. Doomrider, bane of man, devourer of cocaine. This is probably not a safe place to be, what laying right in his path and all. Fuck it, you will take your chances with the Farseer. You roll to your left, out from under the spear, and jump to your feet. You grab the Eldar’s hand and pull her. “Run, bitch, RUN!!!” You shout as you break into a dead sprint, pushing yourself as hard as you can. She doesn’t seem to understand why or to where she is running, but she is smart enough to not question you as she follows. You are too busy looking back at the lord of drugs to notice you are running straight at a narrow chasm. You catch it out of the corner of your eye. It’s a split second decision but you don’t have much choice, going to have to jump for it.

YES!

Somehow, miraculously, you clear the chasm. When you looked down mid-jump you notice Abbadon screaming up at you furiously, as a horde of his followers all text away furiously, still filling your inbox. Good thing you made it. “Hah, we did it!” You turn excitedly to the Farseer. She looks back at you, a twinge of excitement and relief on her face. Strands of long red hair blow faintly in the wind, and you finally get a good look at her in the full outline of the blue sky. …Just in time to see Doomrider pop a wheelie and clear the jump with ease. “I’M GOING TO GRIND YOU UP AND SNORT YOUR BONES IMPERRIAAALLLLLL!!!” You hear him yell madly. “God damn it, today is just not my day!” You start to run again. The Farseer doesn’t hear you as she stops to turn around, raising her spear in defiance at the Harbinger of Heroin. This girl is either stupid, crazy, or confident. Maybe all three, you can’t be sure. Either way, you’ve got a decision to make.

“I am getting too old for this constant litany of BULLSHIT!” You howl furiously as you snatch the Farseer’s spear from her hand and dash over to a nearby Ork Warbike. Surprisingly the bike starts with no effort whatsoever and in fact everything is incredibly easy about it, as if it wants you to ride. Annoying; considering how much bullshit an Imperium vehicle puts you through, that this Ork monstrosity of engine, chrome, and flame decals give you no trouble. You turn to face Doomrider, and rev your engine as high and as loud as you can. Doomrider turns his bike sideways and skids to a stop, a hundred yards away or so. With little struggle he pulls a tree up out of the dirt and bites one end, gnawing and gnashing at it until it forms a nasty point. Both of you sit there, revving your engines, eyeing each other. “I AM A GOLDEN GOD!!!” He finally screams, beginning his charge. You dump your own clutch and twist as hard as you can, the Ork bike clunking to action as it takes off. The two of you grow ever closer, each spear pointed at the other. This could end up alright, or very, very badly. You want to close your eyes and have that Eldar girl hold you tight, maybe grab some afternoon delight. But there isn’t time, you are seconds away from impact.

Your spear slams itself directly into Doomrider’s chest, impaling him as it knocks him off of his bike, which crashes into some rocks and sails end over end. His own spear hit the front of your bikes handlebars and shattered. Say what you will about the Orks, when they do make something, they make it sturdy. You quickly slow to a stop as Doomrider falls to the ground, gasping and feeling at the spear now lodged in him. It looks fatal, but you know better by now. He seems currently disabled at least. You approach him, laspistol drawn, as he groans and looks up at you. He reaches out to you with one hand as if begging. “IF YOU MUST KILL ME, AT LEAST LET ME DIE WITH THE TASTE OF ACID IN MY MOUTH AND THE SMELL OF SWEET SNOW IN MY NOSE!” Despite him being one of the more terrifying things you’ve ever encountered, this gives you pause. You would be a right bastard if you denied him his last request…

A bag on his bike contains… well… a plethora of drugs. If there was a market, nay, a superwalmart for drugs, it would be this guy’s satchel. You aren’t even sure of most of the shit you’re looking at. You grab out what you think are some acid tabs and a bag out of six dozen or so of different white powders. There is no way to tell which one is blow, and you really doubt Doomrider cares much. You lean down and hand him the drugs, which he eagerly consumes. Now comes time for the dirty deed…

Wait, Doomrider is slowly fading out, growing more and more transparent by the second. “HAHAHAHAHA!” He bellows with laughter as he stands up, the spear falling from his no longer physical chest. “Son of a fucking bitch!” You fire your laspistol anyways, but the shot sails right through him and not in a good way. “YOU FIGHT WELL AND HONORABLE FOR A MORTAL, I SHALL SINGS SONGS OF THIS DAY WHILE I INDULGE MYSELF!” He is almost entirely transparent now, his head is really the only thing you can still make out. “IN YOUR HOUR OF PLIGHT YOU MAY DO WELL TO CALL ON ME, HUMAN, FOR I EAGARLY AWAIT OUR NEXT MEETING! UNTIL THEN, MAY YOUR LIFE BE FULL OF PLEASURE!” With this, he is entirely gone. You remember now, part of the fables you were read as a boy. Doomrider is notorious for disappearing, entirely at random as it were… This leaves you alone with the Farseer, who is approaching you, eyes fixed dead on your face. Aww yeah, you impressed this bitch. You are a fucking pimp of the Imperium after all. Her face is nearly at yours, though you would have to lean down to meet it, so you do. And she decks you square in the jaw.

“You idiot mon-keigh! What in the name of Uthwe would I have done without my spear! Did you ever stop to think maybe a fucking FARSEER might be, oh, I don’t know, A FUCKING SPECIALIST AT FIGHTING CHAOS DAEMONS!!!” She mad. “But… But I…” You stammer, surprised at the blow. “No, you acted like a fool!” She shouts, crossing her arms and turning her back to you. “…Still, for a guardsman you did fare quite well against such a foe…” You rub your jaw, it wasn’t a hard blow, just caught you off guard is all. Silence fills the air. Until it is almost immediately disturbed by a tremendous growl from your gut. “Ugh…” You groan, rubbing your stomach. Suddenly a hand is thrust into your face, holding what looks like a small biscuit thing. “Huh?” You ask, looking up at her. The Farseer is looking away, refusing to meet your eyes. She is blushing furiously. “I made this earlier, you can have it. It… It’s not like I want you to eat it, or anything.” She adds quickly. “All right then, I’ll try it…” You accept the food from her, not wanting to seem over-eager. Your stomach gives you up when it groans furiously that you have dared take so long to sate it when you are staring fucking food in the face. You take a small bite, and your tongue is alive… With FLAVOUR. A biscuit shouldn’t taste this good. Cannot possibly taste this good. But it isn’t just your stomach talking, the biscuit is fucking delicious. “W… Well?” The Farseer asks, glancing back and forth at you. You lick your fingers, having polished off the morsel already. “It was really good, you can cook for me anytime.” Her face lights up and she beams, eyes wide with delight. “Really?” Then she quickly catches herself and looks away again, giving you the cold shoulder. “I didn’t make it for you or anything, quit acting so grateful you mon-keigh.” "Even if you didn't make it for me, I'm still glad you let me have it. Got any more?" The Eldar girl shrugs.

"Not on me, no. But if I had the ingredients I could make more." Your stomach growls again, reminding you that one little snack isn't going to do it. Fuck you stomach, you and dick both bossing around poor old brain, he never did anything to you jerks. "Well if your THAT hungry we could maybe catch some fish to cook. From orbital data the oceans here are stock full of fish, and the water is close by." She tsks at you and turns away. "If it even smells like anything you have cooked for me before, I'm all in." So with that said, you two set off for the ocean. "So did you bring a swimsuit?" You ask, trying to start up some conversation. "Even if I did, why would I wear it for you, pervert?" She fumes. "Whoa turn the hate off of eleven for a minute. I'm sweaty as Horus in a tracksuit, so I figured I would take a swim." "Hmph, my undersuit would work fine, but I'm not ditching my armor so you can eye rape me." Damn this girl is cold...

You feel your luck increase ever so slightly... Huh. You finally get to the beach, and it is a damn pretty one. White sands, blue water, cute girl still glaring at you. Ahh... Bliss. You strip down to your standard issue guard skivvies and run excitedly down to the water. You busy yourself splashing and scrubbing, lost in the paradise of warm tropical water. You lean back and stretch, taking it all in, when you hear a splash behind you. "Don't get me wrong, I just decided I needed to cool off!" By the Emprah... A white bikini?

Hot giggidy son, those are some psychic xeno tits. They aren’t big, but they aren’t small, maybe somewhere around a c-cup? You can’t exactly think straight right now. What with the white clashing awesomely with her flowing red hair and vibrant, and fiercely intelligent turquoise eyes. “Yo, stupid mon-keigh, quit titfucking me with your eyes and get to fishing already.” She says flatly as she cracks you over the head with a rod. Where the hell did she even get that from? Eldar trickery. But imagining titfucking those glorious xeno-baits, yeah you could do it, you WANT to do it. She thwaps you with the rod again. Despite your best effort to actually concentrate on fishing, sitting on the beach alongside her, you just can’t. You have a slight bit of Eldar ass cleavage drawing your eyes away from the rod, the sight is mesmerizing. You could lose yourself in it. There is a sudden tug on your line.

There is a tremendous tug as line starts screaming out of the bail, despite having the drag notched up a bit because you are a fishing noob. The rod is bent double, and you have your feet buried in the sand in an attempt to remain on the beach. A tremendous explosion erupts from the surface some two hundred yards out. Water soars a thousand feet into the sky from the sheer force of the breach.

Only it isn’t an explosion.

And it isn’t a fish.

Ra’alman, the epic sea beast of Yagis V lore, is hooked on your rubber worm bait. More serpent than anything else, it’s glowing vorpal red eyes and razor sharp ten foot long teeth are the most terrifying things you’ve ever witnessed. Men have been lost to madness for seeing this creature. Only a new world, universe, of terror is awakened from its dark slumber as the creature throws it’s head in a blood-draining, suicide-inducing scream. You grip the rod as tight as you can as you struggle with all your might against the beast.

Do you cut the line and remain on the relative safety of the beach?

Or do you show this Farseer what a real fisherman can do?

“I AM POSIDEON, MASTER OF THE SEAS, AND I SHALL CLAIM YOU AS MY MEAL!” A sharp tug of the line and you are thrown forward into the seas, which have grown rough and dark, black ominous clouds now looming overhead. With incredible speed you are dragged down, down, down, into the inky black. Slowly the dragging stops, and you are left alone in the pitch darkness. You can’t see your own hand in front of your face, or even tell which way the surface is. You look down and notice two burning, hateful red eyes staring back at you from the nothingness below. With a quick movement you draw out the small bait knife the Eldar girl gave you along with the rod. “Time to dance, fishfag.” But it just comes out as a bunch of bubbles. With astounding speed the beast rushes for you, and you can feel the sucking motion through the water as the giant opens its god-devouring maw. You draw your arm back, preparing to strike.

A blinding light illuminates the seas around you, emanating from an anglerfish-like protrusion from the beast’s head. In the sudden blue light you can see now what you are really up against. Those teeth are jagged and barbed, ending in points sharper than the most finely honed templar blade. Each again, several feet longer than you are, and there are thousands of them, set in rows, going as deep into the monster’s horrific bowels. The legends call this the horror-fish. It has been known to devour ships out of the sky. And if the legends hold true, this beast also is responsible for consuming alive every god that once existed on this fowl planet. But those are just legends. Right?

You try to swim upwards as fast as you can, the jaws only yards away now. Your lungs are burning for air, which you are nowhere near. Ra’alman misses you by a hair, his terrible bony body scraping against your foot, sending a jolt of pain through your whole body. With no time to think you do the only thing you can come up with, and drive your pitiful knife as hard as you can into the beast’s back. It sinks in. With all of the creature’s speed you are thrown forward along with it, as the god-eater barrels toward the surface. It screams again, it’s agonizing song even more soul-devastating underwater. You lose all hope as your lungs finally give out and you suck in seawater…

Until with the force of a thousand suns, the monster breaches the surface yet again. You are soaring upwards, dozens, hundreds, thousands of feet above the seas below. “Oh FUUUUUUU….” You manage to yell between coughs of belching up salt water, as the peak of the climb is reached, and the fall begins. You plummet, ever and ever faster toward the now frigid waters below, which chop and crash as though they too wish to feast on your pitiful human flesh. At the last second before impact, you ditch the knife and jump for it, crashing down into the water. You are a pretty good swimmer, but you are a hundred meters from the shore, where the Farseer girl is screaming, you think. Looking back, you see the hungry jaws of Ra’alman closing fast, dead set on having you for a snack. “NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE!!!!!” You freestyle as hard and as fast as you can, screaming litanies of protection and struggling against the weak confines of your own frail and now beaten body. You are so close now…

By the Emprah and those white bikini xeno titties, you are not dying here today. Your strength doubles and you make the final push to the land, running up the beach as fast as you can. Ra’alman’s momentum carries him up the sand after you, but friction gets the better of him and he is slowed to a halt. You are mere inches away from his putrid hole, which gnashes and bites at you, now just barely out of reach. With a frustrated scream, the beast starts to retreat. But not before coughing and hitting you in the face with a 5lb fish that is still flopping away madly. “Catch anything?” The Farseer asks coyly.

“Fuck you and every spindly space elf that looks like you.” You splutter as you cough up yet more seawater. “No really, that big speech and all? I didn’t realize it was directed at this anusfish.” She laughs, shaking the flailing fish in your face, taunting you. “Yeah well you… Wait did you just call it an anusfish?” Her grin is ear to ear, leading you on. “Why yes, Commissar, I did.” “And why, exactly?” “Because they taste like ass, according to all planetary data logs.” She can barely contain her laughter at this point. You stand up and brush off as much sand as you can, trying to regain some air of dignity. “I’ll have you know, Eldar, that there are some asses I ENJOY the taste of, and if you don’t believe me, bend over and allow me to demonstrate.”

She pulls back a bit, losing the smile. “I’ll pass on that today, thanks. Though I will cook your anusfish if you so desire, I myself caught this.” She holds up a three foot long flatfish, it looks like some kind of bottomfeeder. “Supposed to be the best delicacy of the sea on the whole of Yagis V.” She brags.

“Yeah well, I usually enjoy ass for dessert, not the main course…” You give in as you toss your fish back into the water. You turn back to her slowly. “Although you could still make me some dessert later, perhaps?” Another dive knife goes sailing past your left ear, clipping it ever so slightly, just enough to draw a drop of blood. “Don’t even think about it worm. The next time you do, I won’t miss.” Dayum shame, you would eat that ass. You would eat it and be damn proud of the fact. “Hmph, well since you admit I caught the better fish, I’ll treat you to a good meal.” She stops suddenly.

“But just for tonight, mon-keigh. Don’t expect me to grace you with my divine presence like this again.” You don’t say anything as you lay back on the warm sand and watch her work her magic. That is, until she kicks sand in your face and smacks you with her fishing rod until you get up to go gather fire wood so she can cook. After collecting everything you can that she needs, you again lay back down to take in the view. And by the view, you mean that bent over ass shot, as she tends to the fish now filling the nearby area with its unfathomable sweet aroma. It has been a loooooonggg time since you’ve had anything that could constitute a home cooked meal. The barracks serves high-nutrient slop, and the carry rations are bland and fairly tasteless. You are going to enjoy this, no matter how damaged your pride may be.

Her butt shakes around as she darts this way and that, adding spices and making adjustments with some kind of knowledge likely garnered through thousands of years of perfection and study. “I can literally FEEL your eyes on my ass, stop that if you want any food!” She snaps at you. Bah, it’s not like you want dat ass, or anything… baka… Getting up to stretch out your legs, you really wish you had a beer, it has been months since you’ve even beheld the beauty that is a cold bottle of “Librarian’s Imperial Pale Ale.”

The thought of a beer even fades quickly when you inhale, you can almost taste that roasting fish, your stomach is locked in a civil war on itself. In addition to the fish; the Farseer also gathered up some assorted roots, which, though glowing a disheartening orange, she assured you were edible. “Hey, I never did get your name…” You inquire, looking back at the still bent-over Eldar. “Hah, as if you are deserving enough to be blessed by its utterance.” She retorts. “I’m Max, Max Decarus.” You reply, ignoring her stinging comments. “I’m Eshwe Ulthran. My friends call me Esh.” Her face goes red. “N-Not that you can call me that, mon-keigh!” You grin.

“Alright Eshwe.” “You ingrate, I told you only my friends… Wait did you just use my actual name?” She asks, fishing rod poised to strike. “Well yeah, I mean, it isn’t like we are friends are we?” You can barely contain your trollface. She looks like she’s pouting a bit though trying her best to conceal it. “Anyways, Eshwe, I’m going to find us someplace to crash, why don’t you rest by the fire and call me when the food is ready?” You turn around and begin to stroll off. Her hand snatches out and grabs your wrist, stopping you mid-step. You turn around slowly. She isn’t looking at you, her eyes are lowered and you can’t see them under her hair. Her cheeks are burning red. “…You… You can call me Esh… Idiot mon-keigh…”

Thread 3: YOU... DOUBLE MON-KEIGH!

Thin streams of sunlight pour through the morning dew of the fronds above you. Golden, exuberant, and warm. You can hear the soft waves as they creep back and forth across the beach, and various birds singing for joy of a fresh day. The reassuring sounds begin to put you back to sleep. The small shelter you built keeps just enough of the sun out that you think you’ll drift off for another few hours. All while so comfortably warm, though oddly your front seems warmest despite facing away from the entrance… Your eyes pry open just a crack, but you can’t see much through the red hair. Wait wut. Your pupils dilate as your heart goes from a relative calm to being chased through the jungle by a Eversor assassin in a running battle of drug-fueled destruction that only fate can decide. It is at that moment you realize, the air around you is actually quite cool, a bit uncomfortably so even. What’s keeping you warm, in fact, is that you are currently spooning the fuck out of Esh.

Badger shit cunts, this is bad. If she wakes up, she’ll hit you with that spear. Power of a bolter, accuracy of an Exitus rifle. One hit from that and it’s all over. Unfortunately, you can’t ignore the fact that her barely-covered ass has apparently parked itself right on your dick, which itself is… Well… Fully enjoying the morning, as it were. You swallow hard, mind racing in some desperate bid to come up with an exit strategy. Your other mind is telling you to have at it and patting you on the back in celebration. Further damning the situation, your arm is wrapped around her chest tightly, and you can make out some soft underboob. While it is true you aren’t sure how she will react to this situation, the thought crosses your mind that perhaps it would be best to not find out…

Just as you start to try to disengage yourself from this situation, your own body betrays you. The sound of you ripping ass, a long-winded release of concentrated warp energy, fills the small shelter… “JUST AS PLANNED!!” Tzeentch crows happily from inside the warp. Esh stirs slightly, and for a brief moment it appears that perhaps she will remain asleep. “Enjoy the moment while it lasts, mon-keigh. For it shall be your last.” Well, it was nice knowing yourself.

Eshwe sits up, her neck cracking as it turns around to face you. Her normally turquoise eyes are now glowing with arcane energy as they lock onto you. “Wait! Wait, Esh, this is a misunderstanding!” You stammer, backing up and searching desperately for your pants. Esh smiles, but it isn’t a pleasant like “Oh ok, good morning though.” Kind of smile. More like a “I will enjoy tearing you apart with my mind.” Grin of madness.

“Damn it Esh, this is your fault! I made you your own place to sleep, what in the Emprah’s name are you doing in my bed!?” You don’t think this last desperate bid will matter, the air has begun to crackle ominously with energies you cannot even begin to fathom. A small little rat-like thing scurries away, as though even it can sense shit is about to go south. Esh’s eyes grow even more intense, you can no longer make out her pupils. They are smoldering so bright you can’t even look at them without it hurting your head. But then, just as suddenly as they had ignited, her eyes returned to normal. Esh looks around slightly before turning back to you. “I’m not putting it past you to have swifted me away for your… Carnal desires… But I can’t prove it.” She sighs as she crosses her arms. “I’m going to change.” She adds. You relax as relief floods though your body. Until Esh clocks you overhead. “Oi, you, mon-keigh! When a girl says she’s going to change, that means you get out of the room! Go find something for breakfast.” Esh grabs one of her fishing rods and starts swinging away at you until she herds you out of the shelter. Once you are finally outside she tosses the rod after you. Well at least you survived the morning. Hell, a part of you even enjoyed it. You are a bit hungry, you admit. Though one thought seems to be shoving the others aside. Inside that small shelter, which is in no way wind-proof, is a naked Farseer.

A guardsman without his pants is like a boy wifout ‘iz choppah, sumfin bout it aint right. “Hold up, Esh, I need my pants!” You lean back down to the entrance of the shelter. It takes a moment for your eyes to adjust to the dimness. Esh is frozen, her face a look of shock. Back to you, arms outstretched above her. Wearing nothing but a gaze that says you had better go chance a swim with Ra’alman because he might be more merciful. A sudden blast of psyonic energy throws you backward, and as you careen through the air, you can’t help but still picture that bare heretical xeno ass. Worth it? Maybe. You land face down in the sand. As you start to get up, a rough foot on your head shoves you back down. “If I didn’t have somewhere I needed to be, I would enjoy taking my time murdering you, you… DOUBLE MON-KEIGH!!!” Esh doesn’t let you up, instead choosing to grind your face in the sand. “You might be of some use to me later though, so I’ll give you a way to contact me in case I need to summon you, whelp.” A flash of searing pain explodes in your head, your jaw contorting in agony. You suddenly know what frequency to contact Esh on. The Farseer is nowhere to be found by the time you pick yourself off of the beach. You wash the sand off in the alien sea, making sure to stay close to shore and keeping an eye out for the fish-fag from yesterday, as you ponder what to do next…

You decide that checking out the Tau first is probably your best bet. The hot springs are close by and surrounded by thick woods which should offer you good cover to observe from. You could also use a bath, salt water leaves a sticky residue.

A nearby Sentinel makes for quick travel, or would, if you had any idea how to drive one. “Empruh titty fucking Terra!” You yell as you faceplant the walking vehicle into the sand. Oh well, you are better off on foot from here anyways. What did the driving instructor call you at basic training again? A “being of unfathomable destruction whilst driving, do not allow within three meters of any controls.” Or something like that. “Alright, let’s do this shit.” You mutter as you start sneaking through the woods. You may not be a Stormtrooper (not that you were too short to try out), but you can be pret-ty damn sneaky.

The damp ground and thick foliage make it slow going, and you really hope you don’t just stumble into a fucking Kroot or something. Finally you see more light streaming through the canopy and you can smell a tinge of sulfur. You are close. Belly crawling now, you avoid a two foot long caterpillar, keeping a close eye on it, when suddenly your head bumps into something hard. Looking up you stare into the face… Thing… Of a crisis battle suit. A plethora of guns staring your right in the face. You fully accept your swift demise before noticing the hatch is open, and the cockpit unoccupied. What appears to be a thin yellow skin-tight outfit of some kind hanging off of it. You sneak away from the suit, finding a bit of high ground next to a particularly large tree. Poking your head out from the bushes ever so slightly, you are completely startled at what you see. Down below you, fully visible in the middle of the spring, is a lone Tau. …And she is gloriously naked. You watch, utterly infatuated, as she pours water down her front. Soap bubbles run down between her perfectly formed size F, perky and yet round, greater goods. “Oh this is such heresy…” You groan quietly as you feel a swelling in your pants. You have never been this close to a Tau, but this one is way different from what you’ve seen before. For starters, clearly a woman.

Her skin is a lighter hue of blue, maybe from lack of sunlight crammed in that suit all day? Bright violet hair falls just past her shoulders. She also looks young, not that you really know what a young Tau girl looks like, but certainly nothing like the grizzled fire warriors you are used to. Just… Young. Like someone your age would look, if they had blue skin. You know this is textbook heresy, the bolter bitches would be roasting you alive if they knew. “Thou shall not extend thy wood over Xenos.” Or some such. You can’t look away though, eyes glued to the soft curvy body innocently washing itself before you. The Tau girl reaches down with a cloth and soaps up her plump ass. You find yourself subconsciously fiddling for the mark IIV K.West-pattern sun shield goggles you left with your old gear, as you bite your bottom lip. She drops the cloth accidentally and starts to bend down to retrieve it. “Oh Terra…” You lean forward for a better view.

• SNAP*

A twig cracks under your knee and you stop moving, stop breathing. The Tau girl whirls around and freezes, she clearly sees you. “Kyaaaaa!” She yells in a high, surprisingly girly voice, before dropping into the water leaving just her head exposed. Before you can react, she produces a pistol and points it at you with a shaking hand. “Wait!” You plead, “Wait, I’m not here to fight!” You hold out your hands to show you are unarmed, weapons in the dirt behind you. The Tau girl looks at you wide-eyed, terrified. Her cheeks have turned a brilliant pink. “D-did y-you see?” She stammers, still pointing the pistol. “Only a little! None of your bits!” You lie quickly and hopefully convincingly. he doesn’t look like she buys it entirely, but she lowers the gun slightly. “A-are you the… The only one here?” She asks quietly. If you didn’t know any better you would have to think she is actually… Embarrassed? “Yep, just me.” You tell her in your best soothing voice, “Pretty sure I’m the last guardsman on the planet too.” “What d-do you want?” She asks, still hiding her body, though the pistol is no longer trained on your head. You think hard. You aren’t really sure why you are here, sure the skull data and whatnot. But really, why ARE you here?

“Just a soak, care if I join you?” You ask nonchalantly, as though this had really been your plan all along. The Tau girls face blushes even harder. “W-w-w-well it is wrong not to share…” She stammers, clearly torn between an indoctrinated belief and the fact that she is quite without clothes. Wasting no time you strip down to your heresy-blockers and cannonball into the warm water. The dried salt is stripped away from your skin, you instantly feel refreshed and for the first time since clambering out of a pile of dead Orks, clean. “Wow, I can see why you were in here.” You remark as you wipe the water off of your face. The Tau girl is in front of you, everything under her eyes is now below the water as she watches you. “Hey, relax, I’m really not going to hurt you, I swear by the Emprah.” You smile and try to look as friendly as a peeping tom can be. The rest of her head pops up and she smiles at you weakly, her face still flush. “Well, I’ll admit it is nice having company, I don’t really like being alone.” She mutters as she pushes her two index fingers together, eyes darting between you and the water. Without warning the Tau girl shrieks and jumps, eyes wide with fright. She runs right at you and you both crash backwards into the water. Blue xeno funbags now pressing hard against your face.

“Hey now, let’s at least see a movie first or something…” You laugh as you try to stand back up, face still entrapped by soft skin. “Wha-what?” She stammers, looking at you, much of which is buried in her cleavage. “Well I mean, call me old fashioned but…” She cuts you off by jumping on you, wrapping her legs around your torso. “NOOOOHHHH, THE WATER, LOOK!” She screams in fright. Barely managing to escape from the titty-trap, you look down into the water below, and gulp hard at what you see. Tyranids. Little ones.

“What is this, I don’t even…” But you are cut off as she grips you even harder, crushing you with her massive boobage. “I hate tyranids! Help me!” She cries, still gripping you hard. Unable to see, but not wanting to be submerged in a pool full of ‘nids, you do your best to start wading to shore. “Mphf mmphh smeeee” You mumble, mouth blocked. She stops panicking for a brief moment. “Huh?” She asks. It takes a bit of effort to wedge yourself further between her tits so you can clear your face and look up at her. “I can’t see.”

She must have realized now that she is naked, wet, and gripping you hard enough to give you a vivid feeling of her space communist parts. Either Tau girls don’t grow any hair down there, or this one shaves. Her face turns almost entirely purple, still, she doesn’t let go. “Just get me out of here…” She pleads. Well, it isn’t like you to deny a naked female clinging to you. Walking out is difficult, the bottom of the spring is full of rocks and sudden drop-offs. It doesn’t help that the little ‘nids have also started biting at you. “ow Ow OW!” You are running as fast as you can, head bouncing into breasts, as you try to escape the clutches of those annoying little fucks.

Your feet finally meet dry land and you dash up the slope as fast as you can, not sure whether or not the bugs are still giving chase. A root catches you and before you can react, you are falling. You twist mid-air, as it would be more than a little rude to break your fall with someone you just met. Your head hits hard and there is a ringing in your ears, but you are alive. “Ugghh.” Is all you manage to groan, rubbing at your temples. That is, until you realize there is something warm and wet grinding into your groin. The Tau girl is still on top of you, her pelvis right against yours. Your boxers are soaked right through and were thin to begin with, and you have some kind of fear-erection. Oh the heresy… She is trembling, hands gripping you at the shoulders tightly, breasts dangling inches above your face. Only you realize, she isn’t looking at you, but at something behind you. You crane your neck hard, which is painful after the fall, and see the soulless grin of a Hive Tyrant smiling at you from but yards away. …Acid dripping from what looks like some kind of pelvis-mounted bile cannon.

You snatch up your belt and tear open one of your pouches. Dumping the contents out quickly into a pile of snow five inches high. Without a word you flop your face down into it, snorting madly. “What are you doing!? Now isn’t the time to use that!” She screams at you, shaking you madly. You look up from the pile, your face blanketed with snow, much clinging to your day-old stubble. The Hive Tyrant closes in, and you think it’s actually laughing at you as it does so. It’s too late, your desperate bid failed you.

“Sorry babe, I really thought that would work.” You apologize to her, smiling sadly. Suddenly, the roar of a motorcycle. “IIII’MMMMM ONNNNNNNNN DRUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Doomrider, in all his flaming-headed glory, bursts from a hole in the warp, headed straight at the Hive Tyrant. Half a dozen daemonettes cling to him, with ahego faces as Doomrider’s twelve dicks please them all simultaneously. His bike flies at the Hive Tyrant, and Doomrider slams a bottle labeled “Secret stash” as he swings a massive chain axe at the same time.

The tyranid doesn’t have time to react as its head is lopped clean off. Just as quickly as he appeared, another warp hole opens and Doomrider sails into it in a flurry of white powder, needles, and semen. “STAY EXCELLENT!” He cackles madly before disappearing. The Tau girl’s face is frozen in a “what the fuck did I just see” stare. You almost lay back down until you hear a fury of scurrying claws from the tree line as three jeanstealers burst forth, charging at you. Grabbing the Tau’s hand as her eyes spin from the terror, you pull her into a run, barely managing to snatch up your sword and pistol as you do. Looking back you see the ‘nids eagerly devouring your clothes. They are getting closer to your hat. The Tau girl is barely conscious as she runs behind you. Your hat waves sadly back at you as a ‘nid moves in to eat it. “I’ll never forget you, Commissar-kun.”

You run with all the fury of Angron and the Angry Marines all rolled into one toward your beloved cap. A tyranid picks up the hat and smiles at the aspect of devouring such a glorious thing. “No, Hat-chan, nooooooo!!!!”

It’s impossible, there is no way you can make the shot from here. The distance is too great for even your mad laspistol skills. Also your madly jittering hands don’t help, but you feel ALIVE. Still, you take the shot, and it manages to hit. But the tyranid shrugs off the blow, it’s carapace saving it. You can only watch in horror as your beloved cap is devoured whole. “NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” You yell, crashing to your knees, your life suddenly empty.

A bolt of plasma cuts the ‘nid in half. With misted eyes you see the carcass spinning in the air, xeno guts and blood spraying every which way. But wait… No… It can’t be. “HAT-CHANNNNNN!!!!”

The Commissar hat leaves the genestealer body through the ex-back way, and sails to you. Covered in terrible things, yes, but intact. The Crisis battle suit crashes through the forest behind you, knocking trees aside. With a robot-like efficiency it obliterates the other two ‘nids. Unfortunately with less precision, vaporizing your clothes along with them.

“Nice shot blueberry!” You yell with a fist pump. The Crisis battle suit kicks the dirt, embarrassed. “Really, it was nothing….” The booming microphone says. You wash your beloved hat off in the hot spring, punting any little ‘nid that gets too close. Heavy stomping shakes the ground slightly as the suit walks up beside you and quickly dispatches the little swimming tyranids. “Hey, you going to climb out of that thing so I can dance in joy with you or what?” You ask, poking the leg of the suit. For a moment there is no response, but then the suit turns away from you. “The… The tyranids found my battle suit before I did…” You shrug, “So?” “Well… My clothes were gone.” She finally admits. An awkward moment is just about to pass when you hear the furious howls of yet more tyranids, having just found their kin shredded by plasma. “Time to go!” You shout, hopping up, before pausing. “I’m going to need a ride, there is no way we are outrunning them on foot.”

“Let me in, let me in, LET ME INNNN!!!” The tyranids screams are getting closer, and fast. The suit reels back. “B-b-but I’m… NAKED!” She protests, the suit shaking its head back and forth. “Now isn’t the time to be shy, you were smothering me with your love balloons earlier!” You yell as you search for some kind of exterior hatch-release. With a hiss the cockpit falls open, and the Tau girl sits there, covering her nether region with one hand and unsuccessfully attempting to cover her breasts with her other arm. Quickly you hop inside, the cockpit is cramped and alive with light. You don’t read Tau so you don’t know what any of it means though. The cockpit closes and re-starts it’s forward view screen. The Tau girl struggles to look around you, moving her head back and forth. She looks like she is torn between grabbing the controls and continuing to hide herself. “I can’t pilot like this.” She finally admits. You aren’t left with much of a choice. “Get up, hurry.” Without question she rises from her seat, her body pressing into yours. You swing around her as you assume the command seat. “All right, now sit down and get this yellow brick of death moving.” For a moment, nothing happens. “But I’m naked, and you are ALMOST naked!” She finally pleads. A tyranid leaps up onto the back of the suit and starts slashing at it furiously. “No time girl, let’s go!” You spin her around and yank her down onto your lap. Her ass engulfs your pelvis, and despite your best efforts, your little Inquisitor stands at attention, poking her in the cheek.

Not that she has time to think about that, as her hands fly over the controls and the suit lurches to life. You are smooshed by dat heretical ass even more as the suit flies upwards, tossing off the ‘nid. “There are too many, we are going to have to fight them off!” She yells. “Can you handle this many?” You ask, unsure really how many ‘nids are really out there, you cant see the screen, as it is blocked by epic side boob. “I can try.” She finally says as the suit crashes back down. The Tau girl swiftly moves the controls to avoid another warrior that leaps at the suit. The sudden motion causes both of you to shift hard in the seat, and you find suddenly that it has also disengaged the purity seal keeping you in, as it were. The Inquisitor ventures out, ready for exterminatus, as it slips into the crack. The feel of her still wet ass cleavage encompassing you is beyond words, Slaanesh himself jealous of your pleasure. There is an massive fight raging outside, but you are in your own little world now. Every dodge, every strike, causes her to shift around. You can only sit and praise the Emprah for your luck as her wet ass slides back and forth along your heavy bolter. “We’re going to have to hit the jump jets again!” She yells. Her ass is thrust down on you, making the most epic hot dog in the universe and awakening the great void dragon.

“In the Emprah’s name…” You whisper, convulsing with pleasure. You can’t hold it in. Bolter fire explodes on her ass. Your body shudders as her hips move on their own, grinding on your champion as he fires hot bursts of plasma into the canyon. “Hah, I finally got them all!” She yells in triumph, until her voice trails off. “What was that hard thing, and why is my butt wet Commissar?” She reaches a hand back and rubs her crack, then looks inquisitively at the white heresy on her hand. The Tau girl tilts her head slightly, before giving her fingers a curious lick.

“Oh man, I can’t actually believe that happened!” Nurlge belches and laughs madly from his throne. “Hey Tzeentch, hey? Was that “Just as planned?” I thought you hated this guy!” Tzeentch glowers in the corner, sulking.

"Its... Ah...Food. Guardsman custom for being saved, all yours blue." She gives you a quizzical look before shrugging. "It would be rude of me to deny custom, but do I have to eat it off of you though?" She asks, a bit hesitant at the thought. "Uh... Yeah... Traditions and all, you understand." The Tau girl pauses for a moment before turning around in the cramped cockpit and lowering her face to your groin. The High Inquisitor has taken a hit, lost a wound, but he stands back up in defiance, ready to blast the xeno. She begins to lick you, her soft tongue sliding across your thighs and shaft slowly, lapping up the heretical juices. You moan in ecstasy, and she looks up at you unsure. "All part of the ritual..." You assure her. She buys it, and lowers herself back down, brushing the hair out of her face. She pauses at your defiant champion as he madly waves his chainsword, before taking him in her mouth. "Praise the Emprah..." You mumble at the sensation. Her mouth is ridiculously warm, and her tongue swirls around you, hungrily cleaning you off. The Inquisitor feels the urge to exterminatus rising as the Tau takes more and more of him, eagerly now.

The second black crusade is rapidly approaching.

"FOR THE EMPRAH!!!" You shout as you bury your sword. The High Inquisitor gives the command, exterminatus. White hot fury erupts from the flagship, soaring into the foul xeno void. The Tau girl panics, eyes wide, and tries to pull away. You hold here there though, until the Inquisitor, mission accomplished, succumbs to his wounds and shrivels. When you finally let her go she coughs and then, unexpectedly, smiles. "Don't think I didn't know what you were up to, guardsman, but you did save me from those awful bugs." She manages, mouth full. You can hardly hear her from your position on the golden throne as you and the Emprah celebrate the day. "Thanks?"

She swallows. "I'm Ailia!" She finally adds cheerily.

"Max."

Thread 4: HERESY, HERESY EVERYWHERE

“So Ailia, any clue as to what is going on with this planet?” You ask, as the cockpit opens back up. The Tau girl shrugs as she wades into the hot spring once again to wash herself off, and you do the same. “My brother is the Commander, but I haven’t been able to get a hold of him. He’s too tough to die, though.” She says softly as water cascades down her hair. “As far as the human presence on this planet, the last time I knew anything was before the Orks started piling on the bodies.” You had hoped for a more optimistic answer, that perhaps some guard had slipped away and were holed up somewhere high and hard with some heavy armor. It’s depressing to think that everyone you knew in the guard, all of your friends, are dead. The two of you spend the next hour or so in idle chit chat, Ailia always keeping an eye out for more ‘nids. You get another face full as she leaps back onto you, a stick having floated by and nudged her in the back. “I’ve got to go try to link back up with my brother, he will be wondering what’s taken me so long…” She finally declares, doing her best to shake herself dry. “Here.” Ailia says, holding out her personal communicator. “Let’s exchange numbers!” The Tau girl says with a sincere smile. You hold out your own after digging it out of one of your belt pouches.

“H-hey, I’ve never done this before…” “Don’t worry, I’m experienced, I’ll be gentle.” “Wow, your encryption is so huge! I don’t think it’s going to fit!” “Relax babe, just enjoy the connection.” “Ahh! No! It-its too much!” “Hold on, here comes my data! I’m uploading!!!” “Hahhh! Your data, its filling me up!” “Take all of my packets you dirty bitch!”

• *beep*

-Contact added-

“Cool, now I can give you a call after I find my brother and figure out what’s going on!” Ailia sticks her own device back inside the battle suit, before climbing back inside. “Wait, your leaving?” You ask, again unhappy at the thought of being alone again. “Sorry Max, but I’ll call you again for sure.” Ailia smiles. “And maybe next time I’ll show you some Tau customs…” She continues slyly. You watch sadly as the Crisis battle suit fades into the distance, a cold breeze rustling your jimmies. It’s not too far of a trek back to the armory, and you change into some new Commissar digs when you get there. You keep the same hat though. Sitting down, you snack on a ration as you ponder what to do next.

Well, you have had some fun so far no doubt, but maybe it’s time to serious up a bit. That warp hole nearby was spitting out daemons like a fat feral world girl spits out children. But the latest image from the servo skull shows an open warp hole but no flow of horrific denizens of the warp. Something obviously isn’t right. A Chimera should prove easier to drive than a Sentinel, you think. Right up until you lower yourself into the drivers compartment… “How the fuck are there this many LEVERS?!” You shout, offended at the sight. After a bit of agitated flailing and bashing of the controls, you manage to get the APC moving. Several seconds later however, you realize the Chimera is quickly gaining speed and you don’t know how to slow down. “FFFFFFFFFFfffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…” You are headed dead center at the open warp hole. Wrenching the controls, you manage to just barely avoid it as you crash right into a large and apparently sturdy wall. The tank slams quickly to a halt, and you hear the engine quit. Must have pissed off the machine spirit when you insultingly slammed it headlong into a seven hundred meter wide stationary building. Your head hurts, having bounced hard off of all things, a lever. Still, you crawl out of the back hatch to assess the damage. You are just about to see if you can back out; get a Maaco paint job, and hope no one notices, when a dark voice stops you in your tracks. “You dare disturb me? Dare to destroy my feast, insufferable mortal wretch?” The voice seemingly coming from everywhere. You are sweating hard, painfully aware at how inadequate the pistol now feels clutched in your hand which is trembling slightly. “You… You shall have to fill it’s place!” A set of fangs sinks into your thigh.

“OW what the fuck!?” You yell as you turn to face your assailant. Expecting a towering, terrifying, horrific daemon, you aren’t exactly sure what to think about what you actually see. “You wrecked my lunch you big dumb meanie!” She screams. The daemonette is small, much smaller than the others. Unlike the ones you saw yesterday, her boobs are nearly non-existent and hidden in a thin black tube top. Her face is young and far less menacing then the older versions. A small fang juts out from her lip as she scowls at you. You would call her cute if you were not still concerned about how many ways she could likely torture you to death. You notice a table flipped over, and various food items littered about it, each in a varying state of disarray. You are just about to apologize when she kicks you in the shin. “You little brat!” You shout, and before you realize it you have picked up the little daemon by her leg and are now holding her upside-down. The short skirt she was wearing obeys gravity and before you know it you are staring at the backside of a daemon. “S-stripes?” You manage to stutter before she catches you in the chin with her other foot. In retrospect, totally worth it, yellow and white is an interesting combo. “You perv!” The little daemon yells as she kicks you again. You let her go as you avoid another blow, and she falls to the ground with a pomf. She glowers furiously at you, the animosity apparent. Her eyes narrow further and you expect perhaps to be eaten by the warp. But just then, a single tear streaks down her purple face. You realize she is crying, though trying to hold back her tears and avoiding your gaze. “All I wanted was to eat in peace, and you wrecked it…” She sobs. Well now you feel like an asshole.

“H-hey, don’t cry!” You stammer, you are really not sure what to make of this situation. She looks back up at you with her wet eyes, fat tears still streaming down her face. “I think I’ve got some food in that tank, let me see if I can find it.” You rummage through the back of the Chimara. Lasgun cleaning supplies, various junk items, latest edition of Admechgirl… Found them! You drag out the box of rations and choose the “chicken emperor salad” as it’s one of the least awful ones. The little girl begins to eagerly devour the food. You aren’t sure how, you can barely stomach any of those things. The daemon girl isn’t watching, this might be the only chance you have. Silently you draw your sword, inching it from its scabbard, praying she doesn’t notice. It looks like she’s remained oblivious as she continues to stuff her face. It turns your stomach a little to think you are about to lop off the head of this cute little daemon, still, to do otherwise would be heresy. “SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE!”

You spin around in time to see a chain axe speeding toward your face. Barely managing to block the blow, the force of it throws you back nonetheless. The Khornette laughs madly, swinging the axe in blazing arcs as you struggle to keep up. Each strike you block knocks you backwards from the force. “TRYING TO KILL MY LITTLE SISTER? I’LL RAPE YOUR FUCK HOLES WHILE THE LIFE FADES FROM YOU, HUMAN!” It’s no use, you finally realize. She’s far too strong, you can barely keep up and you are tiring fast. In a last ditch effort you grip the sword above your head, trying desperately to somehow put her on the defensive. The chain axe catches you in the gut, roaring and spraying with blood and guts as it burrows ever deeper into you. Pain, excruciating pain. You are laying on your back, your broken mind trying to stuff your own intestines back into the gaping wound. Slowly though, a numbness begins to creep out into your body. You are so cold now. Your world grows dark...

It’s so hard to open your eyes, as though some dick techpriest has glued them shut as a prank after an all night drinking binge.

“Max….”

The voice sounds so far away, but the power emanating from it is something beyond comprehension.

“Hey, Max. Dude wake up.”

Finally you manage to crack open your eyes, your vision a bit blurry. The Emperor himself is peering down, at you. His golden armor is brilliant against the white background, gleaming as though it was brand new. He is waxing a surf board. “E-Emprah?” You manage, weakly.

The Emperor nods. “Yeah bro, it’s me.”

It’s a struggle to move your head as you look around. The whole place is just an endless backdrop of white, as though this place exists but doesn’t. “Am I dead?” You finally ask, unable to look down at your own stomach for fear of what you might see. The Emperor turns back to his board, a brilliant green one.

“Yeah man, you caught one in the stomach, didn’t you? You are dead, kinda.”

Finally you look down, but with a bit of relief you notice that the wound isn’t there. It takes all of your strength to sit up. “Emprah, I… I’m so sorry, I’ve been so heretical and…” The Emperor stands up, his size is daunting. This is beyond your abilities of your mind, to be so close to your god.

“Listen dude, you are the first human I’ve spoken to in a loooonnggg time. I didn’t bring you here without having my reasons.”

Your mind is reeling, the Emperor brought you here personally after you were slain by a Khornette? It has to be some kind of death hallucination. The Emperor turns and stares out a small window that has opened itself up in the white, through it, what looks like a view of a galaxy. You can’t help but notice, he looks… Sad…

“I’ve been watching for millennia as the universe as we know it tears itself apart at the seams. As my followers, once so righteous and devout, stray from my path and falsify my word.”

This can’t be happening, there just is no way.

“Its… Depressing, to say the least.” He mutters, resting his chin on his fist in deep thought.

If it’s real, than surely you can speak to the Emperor. But since it’s fake, there’s no way he will answer you. This is obviously some kind of chaos god trick. “Emprah, if I may ask… And I do so with only the utmost veneration. Where have you been? What have you been doing?” The Emperor turns his gaze back to you, brow knit as though pondering what it means to be a mortal such as yourself. What seems like an age passes.

“Surfing.” He finally admits. “I’ve been surfing.”

“Huh?” You ask, realizing only than how disrespectful you sound.

“Yeah man. I’ve been taking up lives on feral worlds, ones with nice beaches. Surfing just kind of happened… It had been so long since I had known joy, it really just took over my life.”

The Emperor has spent the last several thousand years surfing… Your body wasn’t prepared for this. The God Emperor shrugs, putting his board aside.

“But enough about me, I want to talk about YOU.” He says, pointing one gleaming finger right at your forehead.

“Me?” You ask, with a gulp.

“You.” The Emperor confirms. “I’ve been watching you since before your birth, Max. Long have I waited for a mortal righteous and level-headed enough to become my new right hand.”

Your head is spinning. Tzeentch is obviously playing some kind of trick.

“It’s not a trick, Max. While I love all of my children, this task is not something I can bestow upon some zealous chapter master or trigger happy Inquisitor. Not without them tainting my goal.”

“Emprah, I…” But he holds up a hand to quiet you.

“It was one of my last surfing trips…” His story begins. “I was really ripping it up, the surf was intense. Then suddenly this group of feral Orks comes charging out. Only they don’t attack me, they start cheering me on from the shore. I spent a lifetime with this group, teaching them the ways of the board. It was then that I realized the mistake of humanity. We shouldn’t be purging the xenos, in this endless conflict. We should be making the universe a more righteous place, and you seem to understand that… Aside from nearly killing that little daemonette, kind of a dick move broski.”

The Emperor laughs at your face, which is surely a sight to behold.

“But first, before I return you to the mortal world, we’re going to a party.”

Are you a bad enough dude to party with the Emprah?

Your broken mind can barely formulate a thought as your lips move on their own. “A… Party… Emprah?” He reaches down and lifts you to your feet with one hand.

“Yeah, Chaos gods invited me and told me to bring a friend along. Could have sworn Nurlge said something about Tzeentch but the communication ended before he could finish… Could have sworn he said “shlicking”, whatever that means…”

He spins you around, looking you over thoughtfully.

“The Commissar outfit is pretty stylish, but it could use a bit extra. BAM!”

Your clothes suddenly glow with the light of the Emprah, and they begin to morph. What once was a utilitarian battle garb is now a suit of awesome fit for even the most radical chaos-god house party. They feel just so RIGHT against your skin, as though the Emperor himself had personally tailored them just for you. “Emprah be praised… I don’t even know what to say.” You really don’t, this is all just so much so fast.

The Emperor laughs, a booming but cheerful kind of laugh. The kind of laugh that when you hear at the pub drinking with your homies, you can’t help but crack a smile and laugh along with.

“Get ready for this, the last mortal I teleported like this described the event as “what?”.” The Emperor rubs his hands together quickly, as though getting ready. “ZAP!”

And your world explodes into color.

When your mind finally stops freaking out, man, you take in everything before you. This is, without a doubt, the most epic party ever to exist. It is perhaps even the most epic beyond the very fabric of existence, this party might be existence itself. The Emperor stands beside you, still wearing his golden armor. Though now a stylish black top hat adorns his head and a massive cane with a swirling galaxy inside it’s shaft, rests in his hand. “I did set you up with a few dates, some Daemon girls, cute ones to boot. You were going to get a pick one out of the three, to be decided in a strip competition. But I’m not sure if that’s going to happen now, you REALLY pissed off two of them and the third is mad you tried to off her littlest sister.”

He nudges you and points over to a table which seats three of the most beautiful beings you’ve ever witnessed. The little loli daemonette sits, glowering at you. Only her features are a thousand times more perfect here. She’s wearing a frilly black dress that barely covers her butt, as well as a scowl as she stares. That Khornette; the one who, well, killed you, is there as well. Her armor is gone and in its place a brilliant skin tight white dress with an embroidered void dragon snaking up the side. Her skin is a cooler red now, and it looks ridiculously soft and smooth even from here. She mouths “I raped your skull holes” even as she glares. A Nurglette, whom you hadn’t seen before, sips a glowing blue drink through a crazy straw. She is wearing a vibrant orange dress which has symbols of Nurlge that move all about it, somehow a moving image inside the fabric itself. The dress revealing enough of her generous cleavage to speed up your heart. Her eyes watch you, and though she doesn’t glare at you like the others, she looks wholly disappointed.

Now you really wish you hadn’t boned yourself over, a strip competition between these three, the thought almost gives you a heart attack. “Hey Emprah…” You start to ask, but he shakes his head at you.

“You are a far out dude, Max, but you’ve made your bed and you’re going to have to sleep in it. All I can tell you is that those three are close knit, don’t expect it to be easy to win them back. They were all really excited about meeting you too…”

With that, the Emperor heads off to a bar containing every drink to have ever existed. You can’t blame the guy, you did screw it up for yourself. He was bro enough to set you up with a chance of a lifetime, not his fault you frittered it away. You aren’t going to give up though, thoughts of jiggling daemonette bits getting thrown around in your face. You will win these three over, you are just going to have to be one smooth ass operator. As you approach the table, the three girls stare at you even harder. You can almost feel the dislike emanating from each of them. This isn’t going to be easy. You clear your throat.

“Ladies…” You begin. “Jackass.” The loli interrupts you. You sigh and take a seat across from them, their glares don’t let up. “I deserve that, I know. Trying to kill you like that was… Underhanded, at best.” They don’t seem to care, but you’re not finished yet. “I hadn’t ever seen a daemon until just a few short days ago, and the first time I did, well… It was nothing too pleasant. I had a lot of friends in that unit, some guys I had practically grown up with. They were my friends, my brothers, and they are all dead now, those daemonettes didn’t show them any kind of mercy.”

Your voice chokes up a bit. You aren’t just trying to pull this off, this shit be sincere yo. You hadn’t told anyone this stuff yet, and though it feels good to let it out, it’s painful to relive. The daemonette’s faces relax a bit, their eyes growing perhaps a bit softer, as they listen to your story. “I mean, my best friend was out there. Douglas Tannar, met him in basic training. Dude saved my life on more than one occasion, he was one of the toughest mother fuckers I’ve ever met. He… He got ripped to pieces right in front of me, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.” You bite your lip, suddenly feeling like being here a whole lot less. “You know what, I’m sorry, I’m not going to screw up your night. You girls have a fun time…” You stand up and start to walk away, deep in thought.

Until a small hand grabs the back of your uniform lightly. It’s the littlest daemonette, and she’s looking you right in the eyes, no longer glaring. “It’s ok, I forgive you.” She says quietly, before blushing and turning back to sip her drink. “So, what do you suggest we do?” The Khornette asks, stirring her cocktail which looks disturbingly like blood. “I’ll let you girls figure it out, I don’t really know and to be honest I don’t know if I deserve to choose.” The three damonettes look between each other, as though they can communicate without words. You watch for a minute as their expressions change, maybe they really can?

Finally the Nurglette leans back and turns to you. “Well, we’ve decided to give you another shot, and we might even continue with our earlier… Plan. But there’s a catch.” A catch? You don’t know if you like where this is going. “We’ll give you such a sight your mortal eyes might well leap from your head in pleasure, but first, you have to put on a show for us.” The three get up and grab onto you, leading you away from the party into a private room. The lounge is empty save for you four, and they close the door behind you. Velvety seats sit in front of a stage illuminated by faint red lights. Three stripper poles standing erect, dead center. “Well, go on than, whelp. ENTERTAIN ME!” The Khornette grunts, giving you a shove toward the stage. What is it they want you to do, exactly? Shit, you don’t know.

“Dun-nun-nun-na NA NA NA NA!” You begin to sing as you start the magic show. Out of a pocket in your threads, you pull out a pack of cards and start shuffling. “Dun-nuh-nah nah, NAH NAH NA NAH!” You being shuffling the cards furiously, the three girls staring up at you with “what the fuck am I watching” faces. “Dah nah na nah na NAH!” You suddenly throw the cards with a snap of your fingers. The deck flies out right at the girls. The cards cutting the straps of their clothes…

And their dresses fall to the floor around their feet. “POOF!” You yell.

The three girls just stand there, faces a mixture of shock and awe. Cards litter the floor. Oh Emprah. Dem underwears. The girls each blush hard, clearly having been caught completely off guard. Tzeentch is raging from her position at the other end of the party, shredding her paper which reads “Plan”. The Khornette is wearing a black lace set, complete with garterbelt. You notice she has a push-up bra, and her tits are slightly smaller than you had expected, a c maybe? Is she perhaps self conscious? Maybe with good reason, when you take a look at the Nurglette. Her underwear is far more girly. Pink and more modest, though her bra struggles mightily it can’t completely contain those massive daemonic gifts. It is alarmingly cute. The loli is in matching purple panties and bra, each with a printed symbol of Slaanesh on them. She is trying awkwardly to cover herself though. “Ta-dah!”

“Hmph, I’m not going to let you have the last laugh. Prepare yourself, human, for your mind to be melted.” The Khornette snaps as she pushes you off the stage. “Oh my, you have some very skilled hands there. Perhaps you can introduce them to me later, more… personally.” The Nurglette coos as she runs her hand down one of the poles. “It was… A nice trick.” The loli shrugs. Oh yeah, time for this show to begin. You can barely contain your anticipation. More multicolored stage lights flip on and an unseen daemonic dj drops a fresh beat. The Khornette wastes no time and begins grinding her ass into the pole as she rips her bra down and makes aggressive suggestive movements with her tongue. The Nurglette is a bit more modest, and starts off by flipping upside-down and spinning slowly as she slides down the pole. The loli looks you right in the eye as she grips the pole hard and close to her body, and begins licking it. Their dancing continues, growing ever more intense, each one of them slowly stripping off their remaining garments. Slowly, each of them staring right in your eyes, they walk down to you. Blood rushing from your head, they all take a seat on your lap. “Time to pick your date…” The Nurglette whispers in your ear before giving it a little nibble. “I just can’t decide, it’s too hard of a choice.” You finally concede. The three look at each other, communicating silently again.

They finally turn back to you, finished with their silent communiqué. “Well, it can’t be helped I guess. You’ll just have to take all three of us.” Khornette says, swirling a finger around on your pants. You gulp. While the thought of having not one, but THREE of these girls all up on your junk is exciting, realizing how difficult the task will be to pleasure them all later is daunting. The three girls put their underwear back on, making sure you get a nice show of it. The amount of ass and titties in your face is obscene. You love it. They repair their dresses with a bit of daemonic power and put them back on as well, before finally grabbing you by the arm. “Time to party!” The loli shouts. “The Emprah’s work is never finished.” You fist pump.

Meanwhile...

The Emperor downs another pitcher of his favorite beer as he laughs at Typhus’s Ork joke. That dude is seriously a comedy gold mine. “Ah damn, gotta drain the “psycher”, be right back.” He says, slapping Typhus on the back, who turns to tell Slaanesh one about a Tech-priest walking into a bar. He stumbles a bit as he makes his way to the little gods room, finally relieving himself. “Oh Terrah, that’s better…” Suddenly, the lights go out. “What in my name?” He mutters, spinning around. Tzeentch is standing there in all her glory. …Holding her head as she looks at the ground, completely lost on what to do next. “Emperor… I…” She stammers. He looks at her quizzically. “Ohhhh… Screw the plan!” She shouts, throwing herself at him.

"Tzeentch, what are you..." The Emperor stammers, as he looks down at the red-faced chaos goddess. "Quiet, you fool! Don't ruin this..." She says, before working to strip off her armor. The Emperor is a bit stunned as he takes in the sight. "Ugh, this is so hard to remove." Tzeentch grinds her teeth as she pulls at his codpiece. "I'ts... Its my first time, so be gentle, ok?" The raven goddess says quietly, face burning. Slowly, she lowers her queen of change toward his golden throne... "So...So good!" Tzeentch yells as she thrusts the Emperor's holy sword into her void of chaos. "I feel the warp overtaking me, it is a good feeling!". He shouts as his hands grab her hips.

ALSO MEANWHILE...

"Oh... Max...." She moans softly as a finger slips inside her wet psycherpot. "Ha...Hah!..." She is on her knees now, and grabs one of her firm breasts. Esh knows this is completely taboo, but she can't stop now, imagining your tongue violating her chastity. But than imaginary you flips her around so her ass is now I full view. "W-wait! You cant lick that spot mon-aaahhhh!" Too late, your tongue begins to lick her dark eldar, and she squirms as she tries to hide her pleasure. Esh's fingers are moving furiously now, grinding into her most secret places. Her hips are bucking and jumping slightly, and she bites her own arm to mask the obscene moans she cant believe she's making. "Max! No! I'm... I'm going to...!" Esh's hips give out under the overwhelming pleasure and she flattens against the ground. Her fingers slow, now slick with her own juice. She let's out a satisfied sigh. "Wah? What did I... What did I just do?" She ponders to herself in between pants. "There's no way I like that stupid mon-keigh... It's not even possible...". She finally manages to sit up and make herself decent again. "Still... Maybe I should give him a call..." She says quietly, looking down at her communicator.

Thread 5: TRIPLE HERESY

Three lovely daemonettes in tow, each still a bit worked up after their strip-off, you head back into the main room. The party has intensified tremendously. There are even more daemonettes of all shapes, colors and sizes dancing inside cages lifted above the party-goers below. A few of them make some cat-calls in your direction, and the three daemons you are with grip you even harder, hissing at the cage strippers. Nurgle is getting absolutely plastered on some vile looking green drink, which bubbles and steams disturbingly. Isha, holding him by the arm, is trying to get the big guy to slow down but failing because a witty little nurgling is cracking her up with Eldar jokes. Slaanesh is in a line-for-line competition with Doomrider, each of them already snorting piles the size of your head in a single go. Each of them complete with no less than twenty assorted daemonettes each pleasuring them and getting blasted with purple daemon baby batter in turn. Neither of them seem to notice though. Khorne, already completely sloshed, is swinging his chain axe at a potted plant while going back and forth between howling madly and bawwing his eyes out. As for Tzeentch and the Emprah, you don’t see either of them. Strange… Well, you aren’t going to let it bother you. It isn’t every day you have horny bitches clinging to you. Oh wait, yes it is.

The girls lead you over to a bar where a Keeper of Secrets is tending, slapping down some truly bizarre concoctions. Most of which, you are pretty sure extend far into DO NOT WANT territory. There is something very unnerving about a drink with pink flailing tentacles, though many of the daemonettes seem to be enjoying said drink as it… Well… Enjoys them. Each of your three girls takes a turn ordering what they were drinking earlier, bitches have favorites you guess. Finally the greater daemon looks at you expectantly. “Uhh...” You mumble, stalling for time. “I’ll take a glass of Emprah’s Mark, over rocks…” You finally decide. The greater daemon looks at you like you had just ordered an extra sweet pink lemonade margarita or something, but reluctantly fixes your drink. You take a sip, the whisky goes down smooth. Doesn’t taste any different from what you remembered either. Hopefully full of chaos tricks, you think to yourself, as you watch a light turquoise daemonette being throat violated by her own drink. The four of you make your way to an empty table, the three girls crowding around you on the booth seat. “So uh, ladies. I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced yet. My name’s Max Decarus. Now what names do you fine girls have?” You ask, trying to put your best pimp cane forward. “Lilith!” The slaaenesh loli yells before the other two can speak. “Ugh… Little brat… I’m Kaleshi.” The khornette growls. “My name is Nyx, hun.” The nurglette smiles at you. “Nice to meet you all.” You say before taking another drink.

The three girls look between each other again. This is too coincidental, they have to be talking to each other somehow. “Well Max,” Keleshi finally turns back to you. “What is it you feel like doing?” “Uhh, you girls want to go dance?” You ask, gesturing with a thumb over to the floor. The stage is massive, sprawling. You could fit several baneblades on that stage. A plethora of colored lights flash and pulse as the music blares. “But Lilith doesn’t know HOW to dance!” The little daemonette protests. “You’ll be fine, dear.” Nyx assures her. You feel a flutter in your stomach as they take you in hand and lead you over to the massive mob of dancing daemonettes and various warp entities. The last time you danced was at your guardsman graduation ceremony. Your last dance being with a very large and very angry ogryn girl who gave you the choice of a dance or being clubbed in the head, dragged to her bunk, and snu snued roughly all night. You had chosen to dance. Suddenly, the terrifying hulk of Khorne himself lurches in front of you and you stop, dead in your tracks. “ARE YOU HAVING FUN MY SWEET LITTLE SKULL FLOWER?!” He roars, smashing a chair into dust which than ignites and flames out into ash. Kaleshi smiles at him before jumping up and planting a little kiss on his cheek. “I’M HAVING A GREAT TIME!” She yells back at him. With that, the god looks you over, nods as though he doesn’t have much of a choice, and wanders off to find more “BOOZE FOR THE BOOZE GOD!” “…Wait, I thought you guys were sisters?” You ask, very confused now. “Well we are, silly. See, technically daemonettes are made when a chaos god eja…” You hold up a hand, cutting Nyx off. “On second thought, don’t really want to know the details.” The four of you finally make it to the dance floor, which you step on with a bit of a trepidation. Well, here goes nothing…

The beat is dropping, lasers are soaring above you through a haze of fog. You swallow hard, why are you more nervous now than when you were staring fucking ABBADON in the face as you charged him with a sword? Alright man, gotta play it smooth here. Is all you can keep telling yourself. You aren’t forced to show your hand, however, as your three dates take the lead for you. This is almost too much fun to believe. Dancing had never been something you had sought out, but nothing you shied away from either. But now, with these three eagerly swaying and grinding on you… The music stops, the lights stop, the lasers stop. The crowd hovers on the silence, expectantly. With overwhelming force it restarts as noise marines pop out of the ground near the DJ and start playing along with the music. “YOU KNOW, UNDER NORMAL CIRCUMSTANCES, YOUR BRAIN WOULD MELT FROM THAT SOUND!” Kaleshi cheers happily as she jumps onto you, wrapping her legs around your waist, and leaning until she is upside-down. Nyx is grinding hard on your leg, her eyes closed in bliss as she dances. She looks like she is really enjoying herself. Lilith, meanwhile, has taken to flailing around madly. Other dancers have to back out of her way as she thrashes and kicks around the dance floor, giggling excitedly. You are getting a bit taken with the music now, the crowd, the noise. Now you really start letting yourself loosen up as you grab the two older sisters and dance with them. They both look happy you finally came around. “I’MMA LET YOU NOISE MARINES FINISH, BUT ITS TIME TO SLOW THIS FUCKER DOWN A BIT!” The DJ, a massive unclean one with a shirt reading “Sir Decay” yells over the mic.

“Hah!” Nyx says, wiping off her face as best she can. “I need to go cool off a bit, it’s way too hot out here.” And with that, she leaves you alone with the khornette, who’s eyes turn to you. “Guess it’s just us…” You shrug. “…mmm…” She barely answers, biting her bottom lip and looking away. You didn’t know a khornette could blush, her cheeks glowing an even darker red. Its… Pretty damn cute, you are forced to admit. “Shall we?” You ask, holding out your right hand to her. Kaleshi looks at it with uncertainty, before lowering her head and refusing to make eye contact. She mumbles something. “Pardon?” “I… I don’t know how.” She finally answers, blushing even harder. “Don’t worry, I won’t let you look bad.” You smile sincerely and take her by the hand.

With ample hesitation, she follows you. Gathering as much smoothness as you can muster you place your hands on her waist and show her where to put hers. She does so, but still adamantly refuses to look you in the eyes. The song is slow, but sweet rather than mournful. You don’t think too hard on it, nor the crowd around you. Your gaze is fixed firmly on the now shy khornette who killed you but several hours ago. And you are enjoying every second of it. So wrapped up are you, that you don’t even notice as the crowd backs off around you, leaving just you and her alone on the massive dance floor. “Hah! Hey Max, we’re the only ones dancing!” Kaleshi exclaims, trembling as she looks around to the crowd who is watching you two. “Don’t worry about them, just loosen up and have some fun.” You tell her, though in the back of your mind panic bells are sounding and the Admiral is demanding status reports. Finally, her eyes move up from their focal point of boring through your chest, and meet your own. She looks terrified, but maybe a bit happy too? You lead her though the whole song, dancing as best as you know how. Sir Decay dabs his eyes with a soggy brown cloth and a noise marine looks at him, puzzled. “It’s just fucking beautiful, man.” He answers as he turns back to watch you and Kaleshi dance. After what seems like an eternity, a new song fades in and one by one the crowd rejoins you. Kaleshi sighs heavily in relief. “That was, without a doubt, the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever done.” She admits as she grabs your hand and leads you over to the closest bar, ordering herself the same drink as earlier with the addition of ice. “You did really well.” You tell her. “Hmmm…” Is all she says in response. A minute or so goes by as she rapidly sucks down the drink. “Well, I’m going to go find those other two idiots and get cleaned up a bit. Here.” She says, thrusting something into your hands. “Be there in an hour.” And with that, she disappears out of sight. You look down and open your hand. Resting in your palm is what appears to be a room key, etched with glowing demonic letters that reads “Suite 66”. Well, looks like you have an hour to burn.

Before you can decide what to do, you feel a heavy gauntlet land on your shoulder. “STOP RIGHT THERE IMPERIAL SCUMMMMM!!!!!!” Doomrider’s flaming head lowers into view, grinning madly. “Doomrider! My man!” You shout, as he bro-fists you. The drug fiend biker takes the seat next to you, and lights up what looks like a cigarette. “So, how goes it? Looks like you and the blood god’s kid had some fun out there.” He leans back as he takes a slow draw. “Yeah, she’s actually a lot sweeter than you would think.” You can’t help but grin as you think about it. “Glad to hear you’re having a good time. I beat that fucker Slaanesh and he’s dodging me because he refuses to pay up on the bet.” Wait the fuck out, is Doomrider being chill as fuck right now? “Hey Doomrider, you aren’t normally this chill, what gives?” You ask, taking a sip of another whiskey. Doomrider exhales, a cloud of vibrant green smoke rising from his teeth. “Yeah, purified Eldar souls.” He says, holding out the joint. “Want to give it a try?” “…Well… It isn’t every day you get a chance to try something like that.” You admit, accepting the glowing purple j. With a bit of hesitation, you slowly inhale.

The voices of ten thousand Eldar crying out in tremendous pain fills every inch of your mind. All of your senses blank out, it feels like you are spinning at a million miles an hour. Suddenly you are perched atop a landraider as it hits a hill and goes roaring up, flying into the air. “ITS YOUR ONE WAY TICKET TO MIDNIGHT! CALL IT! HEAVY METAL!!!” You sail about the galaxy on the tank, vibrant colors flashing and spinning all around you. Just as quickly as it began, so does it end. “Dude WHAT?” Doomrider grins. “Pretty crazy shit right?” “Yeah…” You admit. Your head feels very strange, somehow… More perceptive?

“Did that… Do something to me?” You ask, a bit afraid as it feels as though your mind has begun to stretch. Doomrider shrugs as he takes another drag. “No idea, no human’s ever done Eldar before.” “…Right…” Still, the feeling isn’t a BAD one, just very different. “I’m not going to die though, am I?” Doomrider looks over and laughs at your question, shaking his head and barely managing to take another hit. “You’re in here already, aren’t you man? Quit freaking out, everything will be cool.” You are staring very intently at the glass in front of you, making sure you have a firm grasp on reality… Though you admit, you aren’t sure if the warp counts as reality. Your body lurches as you sneeze unexpectedly. The glass in front of you shatters into pieces without having been touched. Doomrider cracks up, shaking from the laughter so hard he fucks up and starts coughing up plumes of green. What did that stuff DO?

“SLAANESH YOU FUCK! GET BACK HERE AND GIVE ME MY RAPE HANDS!” Doomrider screams and summons his motorcycle, roaring off in pursuit of the pleasure god, leaving you alone. The bartender looks at you dubiously as he cleans up your mess and sets another drink down in front of you, which you quickly down. You glance at the clock, half an hour has passed by. Imagining your good luck, as you turn over the room key in your hand, gives you a bit of your bearings back. Yeah you may have just inhaled a couple thousand psychers, but it probably won’t have any lasting and far reaching consequences… You can’t even assure yourself about that, as you explode the glass again. The bartender looks at you, and you get the feeling it's time to go. You've got about fifteen until you have to go find the room. You spend the time in a bathroom doing your best to get cleaned up a bit yourself. You notice you have got quite the start of a beard going on.

Fuck it, you are still a soldier after all. Hell, you give yourself a brazillian. “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!” You shout into the mirror. A khorne berserker leans back from a urinal to give you a weird look. Ignoring him, you towel off and slap on some after shave. You are pretty tense at the thought of what is about to happen. You’ve never been with three girls at the same time, let alone three daemonettes. How long does a daemonette even last in bed? Can you even sate one of their thirsts let alone three? Shaking your head, you give yourself a pep talk in your head. “Cmon kid, you can do this shit, just remember everything I’ve taught you.” Creed says as he sprays some water in your mouth, his beady eyes fixed on your opponents. Looking over at the other side of the ring, three daemonettes all dancing around, mocking you.

• Ding ding*

You fist pump, you can do this shit. The card slides into the box on the door, and there is a faint click and a red symbol of khorne changes over to a green nurgle one. With a quick push, you enter the room and shut the door behind you. “Oh…My…Emprah…”

The three daemonettes are lounging around in their underwear, their hair still a bit damp, clearly they have all been in the shower. Each of them is staring right at you. “Oh? Lost the beard did you, shame. Though you do look, statuesque.” Nyx coos as she flips over onto her stomach, rotating one of her feet in the air. “Nice of you to join us.” Kaleshi says coolly from her seat on the bed. You notice she’s tried to boost her boobs even more and has done up her hair stylishly. Lilith is too busy playing vidya on the hologram to do anything but mutter something incoherent. Your heart is pumping furiously and the Inquisitor has awoken from his nap and grabbed his power sword, facing the daemons with the weapon bared right at them. “Oh!” Nyx exclaims when she sees it, faking embarrassment as she puts a hand to her cheek. Well, it isn’t fair to be the only one wearing their party garb. You strip off your suit until you’re wearing nothing but your golden boxers that shine in the sensual lighting. The hat stays too. “Ladies, who’s ready for their punishment first?” You manage, crossing your arms and ignoring the Inquisitor who is shaking and sputtering like a mad kroot tied to a tree. The three girls all look at each other again, you know they are discussing silently amongst themselves.

“It’s my turn first!” Lilith shouts, shoving the other two aside as she leaps at you. Two feet to the chest and you are knocked onto your back, landing hard on the bed. The eager little daemonette rips off your boxers and freezes, staring intently at your power sword. You watch as she gets close to it, looking it over as though it were some kind of scientific experiment. Her tongue reaches out slowly, and she gives it a lick. Its blatantly obvious, as she increases her licking and kissing, that she doesn’t really know what she’s doing. But the innocence is a massive turn on. Lilith takes as much as she can, which admittedly is more than you thought she would be able to, and starts going to town on it. You look down at her and notice she is obviously enjoying it, likely driven by some innate primal desire, but enjoying it nonetheless. She slurps as her mouth finally releases you, and the little daemonette crawls up until she’s hovering over you. Her face contorts in a mix of pleasure and pain as she lowers herself slowly, your power sword piercing her frontal armor with a STR10 attack. “Ahhh… So good…” She moans and before you know it, she’s rapidly picking up the pace. The tightness is beyond comprehension, and it quickly has you at the edge. Lilith puts her arms around you as you sit up and grab her hips to help her out. She’s panting heavily in your ear as she grinds herself around. “Ngh!” You feel her tense up suddenly than become instantly and incredibly relaxed. “Haaaah…” She moans, sinking down. Before you know it, she’s asleep. Leaving your Inquisitor very worked up and cranky. “Hmm, looks as though it’s my turn already.” Nyx smiles as she lifts the limp little daemon off of you and sets her on the rooms other bed.

Nyx pushes you back down to the bed as she unhinges her bra and lets her massive gifts of nurgle out for you to see. They are quite glorious. She gives you a bit of a show as she bends over and slowly pulls off her panties, revealing the heresy underneath. Nyx sees you watching intently and giggles. “Don’t worry Commissar, I won’t leave you so indisposed.” She lays down on the bed and pulls you over on top of her. Still wet and worked up from the appetizer, the Inquisitor dives into the main course. Though not as innocently tight as her sister, she is still beyond what you had expected. Completely not according to plan, she yelps in pain. “Huh?” You freeze, worried you really screwed something up. Nyx blushes and runs her fingers lightly along your back. “Sorry…” She mumbles, “It’s my first time.” You keep going as she pulls you closer, making sure to take it easy on her this time. You had always expected a nurglette to be dripping, disgusting, and smelly, but none of those is the case. Nyx makes sweet little noises as you slowly start to increase your speed, you can feel her starting to pull you in faster and faster. Her nails dig into you a bit and she stares into your eyes. She looks incredible, and very happy. “Oh Max…” She groans, closing her eyes. You catch the signal and thrust harder and faster. Nyx is pushing herself up into you now, and one of her hands reaches behind her head and grabs the sheet. “I-I’m…!” But she doesn’t have time to finish before you feel her insides pulsate and her back arches in delight. She stays like that for several seconds, before lowering herself back onto the bed with a satisfied sigh. “Your turn.” She says coyly, before pushing you out mischievously.

“My turn.” You answer, flipping her over onto her knees and ramming yourself home. She yells out startled, but doesn’t protest. You grab hold of her luscious ass as you drive your sword as deeply into the void as you can. The world around you is faded out and you can feel the warp overtaking you With one last slam you give into chaos, sending your marines into the very center of evil. Forgetting to ask about the consequences you rapid fire your plasma cannon. Nyx continues working the gun until it stops shooting. “Hey… Nyx?” You ask, now a bit worried. “Don’t worry about it.” She eases your fears, “Daemonettes can only get preggers if they WANT to.” Well that’s good to hear. You suddenly realize you don’t see Kaleshi anymore…

“BY KHORNE, WHY AREN’T WE FUCKING YET!?” Kaleshi shoves Nyx to the side with a bare foot. Maybe she isn’t all rage and hate, you think to yourself, as you notice her finger and toe nails are painted yellow. Honestly, that is kind of cute. She grabs you and shoves you into a chair. “You had better not screw this up for me, mortal.” She says as she drops down to her knees. She is looking right in your eyes as she grabs a hold of your plasma cannon, which is getting hot again. Oh Emprah is it getting hot. Your Inquisitor, though intrigued at the prospect of investigating the perils of the warp, is a bit unnerved at the khornette’s fangs. You can’t blame him really, one hit from those ignores all saves. Though there isn’t much time to think about it before she drives herself all the way down to your hips, your two little squigs getting an introduction to her chin. This is way different than anything you’ve experienced before. Her tongue lashes at you violently, but it’s smooth and wet so the feeling is beyond words. You have quickly forgotten about her teeth, as you haven’t felt a single fang scrape your power armor. Her mouth is hot, matching her temperament, but it isn’t unpleasant in the least. Instinctively your hand moves down to her bobbing head and you run your fingers through her blinding white hair. It turns a bit strange when you bump up against one of her horns, and she stops to look at you quizzically. “Don’t… don’t touch those.” She mumbles through the side of her mouth. Her pace quickens and your Inquisitor is struggling against all the powers of chaos which are attempting to force him to press the “exterminatus” button, but he refuses to give in, though he can’t hold out much longer under such a brutal attack. Kaleshi looks up at you, one eye closed from the strain of her pace and the depth of your power weapon. “Fuah!” She releases you, spit oozing down her lip in a long strand. “Now it’s time for some real fun!” She says excitedly. The khornette smirks at you, and you can’t help but smile back. She giggles cutely as she reaches under the chair, and pulls out a thin obsidian looking knife. With one quick slash, she separates your Inquisitor and his two servo skulls from their flagship.

Your mind replays it again and again, over and over as nanoseconds tick by. The scene vivid but unreal in your head. There’s no way, that didn't actually happen. Can’t be. You don’t feel any pain, true, but looking down… Yep, it’s definitely not there. Only there isn’t some gaping wound either, just flat nothingness, as if there had never truly been anything there to begin with. Stranger still, as the khornette grins maliciously and licks the tip of your severed goods… You can still feel everything. You spasm in your chair as Kaleshi thrusts your sword to its hilt yet again, she can barely keep one eye open as she struggles to bury it ever deeper. Despite the horror of the situation, you are still on the verge of losing your heresy juice. “Hah!” She says victoriously as she withdraws it from her mouth. “I knew you were ready to blow early, and I’m far from finished with you, human. This way, you can’t climax until I feel merciful enough to let you!” With that, she plops down on all fours and turns so her ass faces you. Smooth, firm, you would normally appreciate this view. Under circumstances where you hadn’t just been “cut off” as it were. The khornette takes your bolter in hand, still dripping from her oral assault, and plunges it into her warp. “Wha!” You can’t stop yourself as you convulse in pleasure. The sensations somehow flowing into you despite the… Separation anxiety.

If Kaleshi’s mouth was hot, her sweet daemon hole is burning. Despite the rough and tumble front she puts on, her body is soft and pleasant, especially the inside. The red skinned warp girl starts moaning quietly, her face against the chaos-star patterned floor, as she works your very confused but very aroused Inquisitor, grinding him around inside of her. “Ahh… This is so much better than just doing it myself, the other girls were right.” She stops, abruptly, and turns her head to look at you. Her eyes are wide and her face is quite in shock. “Didn’t mean to say that out loud?” You inquire, trying to put up a brave front despite your current predicament. The khornette’s face regains its angry demeanor, but she can’t hide her flush cheeks. “Stupid mortal, I was being kind to you earlier, but now… NO MERCY!” Your back arches and you cry out as she plunges you back in as hard and deep as she can fit it. This feeling… You can even feel your little sacs of love slapping into her juicy ass as the khornette ravages herself, her hips getting into the motion and actually pushing back to meet each thrust. She isn’t making any effort to stifle her moans now, and the lewd yet somehow innocent sounds make the fact you literally cannot pull the trigger all the more frustrating. You can tell Kaleshi is getting close to her limit now, her eyes clamped shut and her breath shallow and fast as she uses you as quickly as her hand allows.

She stands up quickly, backs up to you, and plops down on your lap. There is a faint red glow and a hiss, and you suddenly find yourself whole again. Thank the Emprah, that was fucking terrifying. You get the hint and grapple her back onto the ground. She growls at you as she lays on her stomach, looking up at you menacingly, but you know she’s enjoying it. “RAAAAAAHHH…~ahhh~!” She cries out of the blue and grabs another chair leg before winging the whole thing across the room where it shatters against the wall. Daemonic warp energy sparks and crackles across the floor, knocking pictures off of the wall and tipping over a dresser. She’s breathing heavily and looks very flustered now. “Did you just…” “I did.” She snaps before you can finish. Well, whatever, you aren’t done yet. In the chaos you seem to have come disengaged from assault, so you move back to go into BtB combat. You thrust your power weapon forward, ignoring all armor saves this time. Suddenly Kahleshi jumps and yells in surprise, arching her back and whipping her head around to look back at you. Her face a mixture of shock and horror. You look down and quickly realize your mistake. “Surprise!”

…She doesn’t seem amused. Not that it matters, your already finished, and you fall back onto the floor, exhausted. “You didn’t…” She asks. “I DID.” “Ugh… Gross.” Kaleshi sighs in what you think is mock annoyance. The dirty deed done and the fun times winding down, the girls let you shower off first, despite your protests. After which, they kick you out so they can get cleaned up, telling you to be back in another hour. You step back into the party, now severely diminished. Doomrider is chatting up what two daemonettes, while still looking around, Slaanesh must have escaped. Taking the seat next to him as the daemonettes leave to go back to the dance floor, you down a whole Nidade in one gulp. “HAD YOUR FUN DID YOU?!” Doomrider asks, back to his usual self as he helps himself to seven needles of some strange glowing blue concoction. “Can’t say I didn’t.” You respond, reaching for another drink. “SO MORTAL, DID YOU DECIDE ON A DATE YET?” He cackles madly. “…Date?” “SURELY YOU JEST, EVERYONE KNOWS A MORTAL BEDDING A DAEMONETTE IS A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL.” You drop the blue sports drink, as your jaw hits the floor.

Thread 6: TSUNSEER

“I’m not joking, don’t call me shirly, and are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?” Doomrider laughs and shrugs before his motorcycle appears underneath him and he goes screaming away on it. Well shit.

The walk back to suite 66 seems as though it takes an eternity. The daemonettes dancing around and having fun now appear slightly less carefree, as though you’ve discovered some terrible ulterior motive. Your hands tremble a bit as you fish out the key and it takes you several attempts to fit it in the right way to unlock the door. Kaleshi looks up from a Sudoku book as you enter. She’s wearing a small pair of glasses and has a pen sticking out of the corner of her mouth. You never thought a daemonette, let alone a khornette, would play Sudoku of all things. Nyx and Lilith are asleep on the other bed. Though you don’t really care about any of that right now.

“Kaleshi.”

“Max.”

“Are we… Engaged?”

The khornette raises one eyebrow, stares at you for several uncomfortable seconds, than sighs. She sets down her book, marking her place with a miniature chaos banner. You follow her as she grabs your hand and leads you out of the room into the quiet hallway. “What is all of this now?” She asks, arms folded and an incredulous look on her face. “Uhh… Well Doomrider told m…” Kaleshi snorts, interrupting you. “Doomrider? You believed Doomrider of all daemons? Never thought he’d get some pleasure out of screwing with you a bit?” You feel a bit relieved at her words, and let yourself laugh a little. “Yeah I guess I didn’t think that one through, did I?” Kaleshi shrugs. “Well he didn’t outright lie to you though.” “Pardon?” Kaleshi sighs again, heavily, before looking away from you so her silvery white hair obscures her face. “Would… Would it be that much of a problem? If we were…?” She starts playing with a strand of her hair nervously. You pause. This is something you hadn’t really thought about. Would it be too terrible, life with three daemonette waifus? “I hadn’t really thought it over. I don’t really think I would mind.” Kaleshi giggles, and turns back to you with a wide smile. “Well that bit of daemon law is ancient and no longer actually binding. Besides, if you even want a SHOT at me, you’re going to have to court the fuck out of me first.” The awkward silence between you two is broken as the Emprah walks around the corner and waves.

“Yo, Max! Time to get you back into your mortal, fleshy self again before time runs out.”

You turn back to Kaleshi, who plants a kiss on your cheek. “Have fun, and here’s the personal communicator for the three of us.” “Daemons have personal communicators?” You ask, pretty surprised.

“>40k”

“>not having a personal communicator”

Kaleshi responds with a very strange face…

“Alright Emprah, I’m ready for the teleport now.” The Emperor laughs, slapping you on the back.

“Too much chaos interference to do that right now, don’t want you waking up with tentacle arms or something. No no, we’re going to have to ride on out far enough to do it.” “We’re going to do what?” You ask, not liking the sound of it.

“Surf, Max. We’re going to surf the warp.”

With a final goodbye to your favorite little Khornette, you follow the Emperor as he leads you around. Your mind is blown as he takes you out onto the stern of what is actually a massive ship. This party has been on one massive boat this whole time. The scene outside the ship only furthers your downright terror at what the Emperor told you moments ago.

“Oh man, you have no idea how STOKED I am to do this!” He sings as he pulls two surf boards from a closet.

You manage to peer a bit more over the edge and swallow hard. Purplish warp-ness flowing all around you, swirling and moving in maddening ways. Your body is not ready for this. What was that large glass box that just sailed past with two guys in it? Fuck, you don't know. “Uhm, Emprah. I don’t mean to sound doubtful in your own awesomeness, but this may well stretch beyond my realm of abilities…” The Emperor looks up from gazing into the warp giddily. He doesn’t appear to have heard you.

“Grab that board dude, time to get ready. This party made Slaanesh generate some kind of huge pleasure swell and that’s what we’re going to surf on out of here.”

With shaking hands you pick up the board he left for you, a red and black one with the emblem of the Admech on it. Your mind is spinning. There is no way you can do this, what happens if you fall? What happens if the Emprah leaves you behind? Too many questions, no answers, no time.

“LETS DO THIS RADICAL THING!”

The Emperor shouts as he jumps off the back of the ship, shoving his own board underneath his feet. Well, if you don’t go now, he WILL leave you behind. Nothing could have ever prepared you for this, you are probably going to die. Those are the only two thoughts you manage to have before you leap out into the void, clumsily trying to fit your own board underneath you. You can see the Emperor beneath you, who appears to be falling slowly and gazing back for the massive wave that is HOLY FUCKING GOLDEN THRONE IT’S RIGHT GOD DAMN BATMAN BEHIND YOU! “OH FUUUUUUU EMPRAH!!!!” The glowing vorpal wave of pleasure rockets you forward and sends you spinning end over end, holding onto your board for dear life.

“Yeah man! Show that wave who’s Emperor! Make that wave your BITCH!”

The Emperor cheers you on, completely oblivious it seems to your plight. It takes everything you have, but you manage to right yourself until you are again standing on the board. This doesn’t make the ride any less terrifying. Still, you relax just slightly when the Emprah himself glides up to ten feet or so to your right. The look on his face one of absolute joy. Well at least he’s having fun… “Hey Emprah! How long until you can do that teleport thingy or whatever to put me back in my real body?” You shout over to him. The Emperor turns his head and looks back at the ship which is growing ever smaller behind you.

“Bout tree fiddy!” He yells back.

What by the C’tan does that even MEAN!? You don’t have much time to dwell on it, as the Emperor banks hard on the wave. Not wanting to be separated, you do your best to mimic him and follow along. That is, until you slip and fall into the massive wave right beneath you.

Unfathomable pleasure washes over you, pure pleasure. The feeling beyond words. Almost enough to make you release your death grip you have on your board above you.

Almost.

You struggle to pull yourself back onto your board, gasping for air. Not that any of this makes any sense, air in the warp, seriously? It takes everything you’ve got to stand back up again, knees shaking. Thankfully the Emperor is right beside you again, though he doesn’t seem concerned.

“Knew you would make it bro!” He laughs happily, clearly enjoying every second of his time on a board.

“This has been the most bizarre and terrifying ride of my life. Are we far enough for the colors and the warping?” You ask, ready to be back on dry land again.

“Few things I’ve got to tell you before that.” The Emperor says, his face becoming serious.

“We had a talk about what I wanted you to accomplish, but I’ll have to get back to you on when and how to get that ball rolling… I ran into some… Uhh… Complications with Tzeentch…” He fumbles his words, looking distant for a moment.

“You got strange with that chaos goddess, didn’t you?” The Emperor sighs, than shrugs.

“According to Nurgle she’s been infatuated with me for a few millennia now and just didn’t know how to approach me, couldn’t work up the courage.”

You let him leave it at that. “It’s been a… Radical ride, dude.” You tell him.

“Yeah man, you’re a pretty awesome dude. Oh, by the way, I can’t save you from death again.”

“…Wat?”

“Yeah you know dude, can’t let it change your character and all that. Plus the next time I do you would probably fail a perils of the warp roll and self destruct or something. We will talk again though. SHAZAM!”

You wake up suddenly, jolting upright, and slamming your head into the rear hatch of the Chimera. Your head is still ringing from the impact, you hit that door fucking hard. With a groan you rub your poor forehead, but the ringing doesn’t subside. Wait, that’s your personal communicator. It’s a bit of a struggle to find which pocket it’s in, your head does still hurt after all. “Hello?”

“MAXWHERETHEFUCKHAVEYOUBEENANDWHATHAVEYOUDONE!!!!!!!!”

The volume causes your device’s speaker to screech in protest and you hold it at arm’s length from your head. You can still hear a flurry of words, many of which you believe to be a foreign language. The screaming subsides briefly and you venture a bit closer to your own mic. “…Esh?”

“YOU VANISHED FOR A BRIEF SECOND BUT NOW I CAN FEEL. YOUR. MIND! WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO!?”

“Uhh… Well…”

“Um, Its quite a bit to explain… You see…” You give her a brief summary of the events that transpired, carefully leaving out the bits about banging three daughters of chaos gods. A minute goes by of silence, you aren’t really sure what drove you to tell her the whole story. Even you have to admit, you will be lucky if there isn’t an Eldar hit team out after you now. “…Still there?” You ask quietly. “So let me get this straight. Not only did you consort with that vile Slaanesh… THING. But you accepted and actually smoked the souls of THOUSANDS of my people?” Yeah, she’s probably going to have you killed. You don’t know how to answer that. She doesn’t say anything more either.

“…Max… That’s so…” Aww shit, here it comes. “That’s so… Selfless.”

Wait, did you just hear that right? You press your device as close as you can to your ear. Is Esh… Crying? “I mean, to take it on your own shoulders to save all those poor Eldar from being consumed by that hell… Knowing full well the consequences… That was so brave.” This is Eldar trickery, has to be. “Yeah well, couldn’t let Slaanesh have those souls if there was something I could do about it… I guess?” Esh bursts into sobs and you can hear her frantically moving stuff around in the background. “You alright?” You inquire. “D-Do you want to come over… For dinner?” She asks finally. “Umm… Yes?”

“GREAT!” Esh yells, no longer in tears. “Uhh… Hah… Give me like half an hour to get ready. I’ll send a warp spider to pick you up.”

And with that, she hangs up. You waste your time flipping through that discarded Admechgirl magazine. Some of those enhancements, wow. Can she really? With those? Oh Emprah. Suddenly, a warp spider pops into your view.

“Sup.”

“Sup?”

He grabs you, and suddenly you are standing on the inside of an Eldar ship. Esh’s grin of pure malevolent evil staring you right in the face as she eagerly sharpens the tip of her spear.

“Aww shit.”

“Ha ha.” She beins to laugh slowly, quietly. “Ha ha ha ha…” Raising her spear and pointing it right at your chest. “Listen Esh, I can explain…” You barely manage to leap out of the way as the spear thrusts through the space occupied by your heart barely a second ago. “EXPLAIN!?! YOU CAN… EXPPLLLAAIIINNN?!?!?!” You are ducking, dipping, dodging and ducking to avoid the repeated thrusts, unable to get a word in lest you catch one through the gut. “YOU KNOW DAMN WELL, IDIOT MON-KEIGH, WHAT YOU WERE DOING!” A fateful jap catches you finally, you should have known you weren't agile enough to dodge an Eldar's attacks forever.

MEANWHILE

Helena sighs from her perch on her Leman russ "noboyzallowed". It's a hot day, and even in her very minimalist bikini she's sweating. "Hey Helena, Admech says they can get our main gun back up and running but it's going to take a day." Helena smiles at her best friend Sarah. "No problem, we don't have anything much to do today anyways."

Sarah nods. "Hey, how's that stupid brother of yours doing?" Helena's smile fades. "I... I don't know. He was sending letters pretty regularly but we haven't heard from him at all in a while..."

Sarah sighs as she flips through the schematic booklet "your lemon russ and you: 574 ways you can still serve the Emperor but make it a bit easier on yourself." "You know him, he probably got drunk and fucked the nearest officer or something retarded like that." Helena laughs, but it isn't sincere.

"RAAAAA!!! You infernal machine spirit, accept this part damn you!" The Tech-priest working on the tank suddenly shouts, slamming his wrench into the tank repeatedly. "Yo! Gearhead! Easy on the goods!" Sarah shouts down at him.

"BY THE OMNISSIAH YOU WILL TAKE THIS SENSOR AND YOU WILL LIKE IT!" He shoves the part in and the tank finally relents, a red light changing to a green. Helena laughs, Frederick's antics having grown on her a bit since meeting him.

---

The Eldar's blade nicks your shoulder just enough to draw a faint line of blood. You know you can’t keep this up forever, but the stabs are becoming slower, less passionate, until they finally cease. Esh looks at you solemnly.

“You may have not known what you were doing, and your intentions were surely misguided at best, but you did save those souls from a fate… Indescribable. And for that I’ll spare you, at least for today.” She sets her spear aside and sighs. “Honestly, I leave you alone for a while and you end up dead and in the warp. You really are just a helpless stupid mon-keigh after all.” You crouch there, on the floor of what you think is an Eldar ship or something, unsure of what to do next. “So you aren’t going to kill me?” Esh grabs you by the collar and throttles you back and forth. “Not today but the next time you do something like that I won’t be nice enough to stop myself!” She lets you go and before you know it, she’s got you in a tight hug. “I was really worried about you… Idiot mon-keigh…” A nearby Eldar, an older one from the looks of it, coughs quietly into her fist. “Mistress, your dinner?” Esh jumps to her feet and grabs her head. “Ahh! I forgot it was still in the wraithoven!” She grabs your hand and before you know it you are being pulled in a full on sprint through winding hallways, past more Eldar who look a bit shocked at the human in their midst.

A young hot-shot looking Eldar stops Esh in her tracks. “Whoa babe, where you and that… uh… animal headed off to?” He asks, slyly trying to put his hand around her. Is this fag trying to move in on your bitch? He best be not moving in on your bitch. Before you can unleash the fury of the pimp hand, Esh kicks him. Right in his nuts. The blonde haired playboy’s face contorts in pain and he falls to the ground, clutching his gonads. “I already told you I have no interest, quit trying!” Esh kicks him in the stomach before stepping on him and leading you past. Once inside what you can only assume is an Eldar kitchen she hurridly rips open what must be the wraithoven and checks on what looks like a pie. “Oh thank the gods, it’s fine.” She sighs in relief and closes the oven back up. “Did you… Hug me earlier?” You finally get a chance to ask. Esh jumps in surprise as color drains from her face. She turns back to you, cheeks quickly becoming pink than red. “I-I-I did n-no such thing! Stupid mon-keigh!” You grin, this is so worth it. “Really? That felt like a hug. What do you use on your hair? It smells lovely.” You don’t have time to dodge the pan to the face, which startles you more than it hurts as it knocks you to the ground. “STUIPD MON-KEIGH IT WASN’T A HUG! GAHHH!” She punches a cabinet so hard it dents inward.

“Pretty sure it was a hug.” You continue, unwilling to relent. “AHHHHHHHHHH!” Esh grabs a pot of boiling something and stands above you, face blazing in embarrassed fury. You put your hands up, as though they would do anything. This might do more than sting a little. But when you peel one eye open to look back at her, Esh sighs and sets down the dish. “So it was a hug. You should be grateful I blessed your life with such an event, surely the high point of its dullness.” Well you can be satisfied you got her to admit to it, at least for now.

“Anyways, what have you got cooking?” You ask, leaning over her shoulder to look at what’s in the pot. Esh’s mind is stuttering, she’s so close to you now. “Do those lips taste as good his mind?” she wonders to herself. You look down, noticing Esh staring intently straight at your mouth. “Uhh… Esh?” She catches herself and spins around, pretending to be occupied by a sizzling wok-like thing. As much fun as you are having with Esh at the moment, trolling her hard and all that, the food smells so good you can barely stop yourself from ripping into it.

Esh looks back at you. “Hey, mon-keigh, you are DROOLING.” You put your jaw back into place, senses still fixed on the delicious food before you. Esh uses what you assume has to be some kind of Eldar cooking fork to gather up a little ball of what appears to be some kind of noodle-onion-meat dish. “You… You can try it if you want…” She says, still not looking at you as she holds out the food. Slowly you lean in to take a bite, watching her intently for any sign of Eldar trickery. The closer you get, the harder she blushes. You bite down and slowly back away, her eyes turn to follow you. This taste… Dear Emprah this taste. “So… Good…” Is all you can manage, your taste buds are busy in a full blown fiesta. “Hola mister Max, thank you very much for da food senior!” Esh is now locked right on you, watching your expression with wide eyes. “It’s probably the best thing I’ve ever tasted.” You see her smile giddily before catching herself and regaining her cool composure. “Yeah well, you haven’t even tried the pie yet.”

“Really? Does it taste as good as MY MIND?” Esh’s face becomes ashen at your words, and her mouth is agape as though she’s struggling to find something to say, having been caught completely off guard. “Yeah, I can pick up on some things now. At least a bit.” You admit, your new power is fun but very confusing and completely unreliable. It seems like proximity might have something to do with it, because you could only sense her thoughts when you were very close to her. Esh picks up a knife and her head cracks as it tilts to the side, her eyes now alight with glowing white energy. “I’m going to kill you now.” She says flatly.

But as she swings the knife down you catch her hand and with your other arm pull her in close to you. The blade falls from her grasp and clatters noisily to the floor. She looks up, staring into your eyes as you hold her there, neither of you moving. “…Max…” She says quietly as you slowly bring your face closer to hers. Your lips are mere millimeters apart, and you feel Esh jump slightly as your minds collide. “HAHAHA MON-KEIGH KISSER! MON-KEIGH KISSSSERRRRR!!!!” A little Eldar in farseer garb, no taller than your waist is running in circles around the table as she joyfully repeats herself. “YOU LITTLE TWERP, GRAAAHHHH!!!” Esh’s eyes flash and the little Eldar is sent flying out of the room with one last “MON-KEIGH KISSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!” Esh furiously slams the door and begins stirring her personal recipe stew in a fit of rage. Wait, did she really want you to kiss her? Eyeing the wall of hanging knives mere inches from her, you aren’t sure if it’s a good idea to press the subject. “Take a seat, it’s almost ready.” Esh says without looking back at you.

You pull out a chair and sit down.

Only you miss and, arms wind milling madly, fall face first onto the cold tile. Esh looks back at you in disgusted awe, as if she really can’t believe what she’s seeing. “Uhh, missed it I guess…” Your face is burning, how the fuck did you fail that hard at sitting down? How have you managed to go from cool and suave to looking like a complete retard within minutes of each other. “Whatever you have to tell yourself…” Esh turns back to her cooking, shaking her head in disbelief. Still, you aren’t going to let the fact that you are still rolling when completely unprompted, which only ever results in terrible, terrible things, get to you.

The food smells absolutely decadent, you’ve got a cute farseer cooking it for you, and you actually think you might have had some fun surfing with the Emprah earlier, despite the close call. Yeah, today is a pretty good day. Esh looks like she’s found some kind of groove, humming to herself quietly as she adds a dash of one thing and a sprinkle of another. “Dude I can’t take this anymore” Your stomach groans.

“Shut up man, at least you know you have a guaranteed thing here!” Your Inquisitor responds.

Esh finally decides it’s all ready and starts moving everything over to the table. You can’t contain yourself any longer, and you reach out to snatch up one of those Eldar biscuits, the kind she gave to you the first time. A ladle raps you hard on the knuckles.

“A proper gentleman always waits until the lady sits down first.” She says, though her anger seems faked. Her eyes unable to conceal the pride in her work and her excitement in sharing it with you.

The wait is killing you, but you don’t try any funny business as you watch her finish the setup. She moves around the table to you and takes your plate, dishing out a generous heap of everything onto it. You can’t help but smile as you watch her, completely in her element it seems. Esh catches you staring out of the corner of her eye and turns away from you, her flowing red hair slightly obstructing her face but not hiding her faint smile.

“D-Don’t stare at me like that, it’s embarrassing.” She serves herself before taking the seat opposite you, not very far away on such a small table. Both of you chow down, Esh eating properly and daintily, you kinda just fork-lifting heaping forkfuls of the food into your joyous mouth. “Oh man, this is simply THE BEST.” Your stomach sighs happily. “Ah well, at least I can see up her skirt from down here.” The curious Inquisitor responds. “Black lace with a pink bow, things might be looking up after all.” Suddenly, you can’t breathe. Your face goes white as you frantically struggle, choking on something. Esh takes several seconds to realize what is going on, but with surprising speed she has you in a Heimlich. It takes a few pumps, but you finally shoot out a whole meatball. It soars brilliantly straight down into a bowl of soup, which splashes all over Esh’s face. “Gods damn it, mon-keigh…”

Esh sighs as she surveys herself, one of her favorite outfits and much of her hair now covered in chunky soup. “Err… Really sorry about that…” Fuck, you would wreck this for yourself. She tries to clean herself up with a napkin, but it just isn’t cutting it.

“I kinda figured you would ruin this…” She unhappily drops the napkin. “I’m going to go wash off and change. Enjoy your meal alone, I guess.”

She leaves before you can say anything. Man, do you feel like a douche now.

“Arrrgghhh!!!” You grab your head. “I can’t just eat without apologizing!” So with that, you leap up and run after her.

Only you aren’t exactly sure what way she went. Several minutes pass of your “Hey uh, did you see a farseer go by here, bout this tall and covered in soup?” before you finally figure out which room is hers. It takes you just as long to discern how the door mechanism works, a series of buttons and a touch screen thing. You finally punch it in frustration and it answers “passcode accepted”, though you don’t know this because you don’t speak Eldar. You walk in to the dark room, which is incredibly tidy. Well, except for the pile of clothes that Esh was just wearing. “Oh no. No no no.”

Too late, another door in the room opens and your fate is pretty much sealed. Esh stands there, fully outlined in the light beyond. She’s still dripping wet, and frozen in place, the towel against one side of her face. You can see everything, perky pink nips, smooth grassless field, everything.

“I’m going to die now, aren’t I?”

“Painfully so.”

You tense up as she builds up speed for a running death-kick which will surely knock your face through the back of your skull. She’s going so fast, in fact, that she doesn’t notice the clothes on the floor. “Huh?!” She trips, stumbles, but can’t regain her balance. You are thrown backwards as the naked farseer crashes into you, both of you tumbling end over end across the dark room. Finally both of you skid to a stop, and it looks like you’ve managed to come out on top. Esh is trembling, wide eyed, and has her arms around you. Neither of you move for what feels like a very long time. Throwing caution to the wind, you lower your face and plant a kiss on those tender pink lips. “HA HA, MON KEIGH KISSERRRRRR!” The little Eldar yells from the open doorway.

MEANWHILE (again)

Frederick looks up from his work, sneakily.

Helena sits there in full view, glorious tits resting on the tank as she listens to some music and tans. He's always had a thing for her. Ever since he started fixing up their tank. This, despite all of his friends telling him she is clearly a gear-eater with no interest in his piston of love. Frederick sighs heavily as he tightens a bolt. For now, he will probably just have to be content with watching her in all her giggling, strawberry blonde beauty. "Whats wrong Mekboy?" Helena suddenly calls down to him. Fredrick, startled, looks back up.

"Err, nothing. Tank is just being stubborn, is all." He wrings his wrench nervously. Helena laughs and re-ties her top before sitting up, which causes those tantalizing flesh orbs to bounce all over the place. "Well you want to take a break and go grab some chow with me?" She asks, swinging her feet idly as she sits on the barrel.

"You? And... Me?" Frederick asks quietly.

"Yeah, Sarah is passed out."

Frederick is happy but lost as he follows Helena to wherever she is taking him. Clearly not the mess hall. The Omnissiah has blessed him this day, maybe he will get a chance to try out his twelve speed servo-actuated cyborghood someday after all. Helena shifts the pack of food to her other shoulder. "Cmon iron man, we're going to miss it!"

Helena stops at a cliffside, overlooking the vast ocean beyond. "Yeah, this is the spot." She sets down her bag and pulls out the food she managed to rustle up. Not standard guardsman rations, good stuff from the town nearby.

She and Frederick watch the sunset as they devour the various cheeses and bread. Its much better than more rations, Frederick thinks to himself. Especially since he gets to eat it with her. The sun drops finally below the horizon, and Helena sits back with a satisfied sigh. "That was a lot of fun." Frederick finally gets up the courage to ask.

Helena turns and smiles at him before looking up toward the emerging stars. "I thought so too."

"By the way, don't believe those rumors about me being a lesbian." Frederick turns to her, hope invigorating his heart.

"No?"

"Nah, bisexual."

Thread 7: NO... NO... NEEDS MORE HERESY

Esh leaps quickly to her feet and grabs the little Eldar making all the racket. “YOU LITTLE BRAT I WILL END YOU!”

Esh grabs her head and applies just enough of a mind blast to render the little farseer unconscious. Once out cold, she chucks the kid back through the open door and slams it shut. Thankfully it doesn’t look like there was anyone else around. “Did you mean that… J-just now?” She stammers.

“Yeah.” You answer but you are a little preoccupied trying to curb the blood oozing from your upper back. You must have fallen on something pointy. The tsunseer turns around to face you, covering herself as best she can. “Umm… Do you mind?”

Oops, you turn and face the wall to give her some privacy. It does nothing to stop your thoughts of that delicious Eldar changing just feet behind you. “H-hey, you can turn around now.”

You do, and grab your chest at the sight. Esh put something on all right, a small pink camisole and nothing else. Her brow furrows as she notices you still holding your wound. “That looks like it could use some attention.” She takes you by the hand and starts leading you to the bathroom. You could protest and mumble about misunderstandings while completely ignoring her feelings, but this is nothing like your east Terra cartoons and you are not a dismal faggot.

Once inside, you let Esh strip off your shirt. She brushes into you while in the process and your Inquisitor flinches and peers out into the battle space, but remains seated. “It’s no good, we are going to have to clean it or it could get infected.” And with that, she pushes you up and into what you discern from the wet floor, to be a very spacious shower. “There probably aren’t any clothes here that would fit you, so take those off as well.” Esh mumbles before turning around.

“…Cant you still see me in that mirror?” Esh jumps, her face flush.

“I-I wasn’t going to watch! Honestly… Y-you stupid mon-keigh…” She says that, but you can tell she’s still peeking. Well whatever, it’s not like you mind really. You strip off the rest of your uniform, trying your best to give her a good view without making it obvious. Finally nude, you turn and face the opposite wall. Something falls lightly to the floor and the water starts gushing from a head.

You swallow hard as two shuriken pistols press into your back, smooshing tenderly into it. A delicate hand runs over the fresh cut. “D-does it still hurt?” Esh asks quietly.

“Nah, never really did.” Her hand begins to lightly trace your various and numerous bruises and scars.

“…It looks like you get pretty beat up…” She muses as her hand stops at a particularly large scar on your left thigh.

“Almost lost my leg to an Ork, and no one ever said pimpin be easy. I am still human, after all.” She doesn’t seem to get your ancient Terra culture reference.

“I’ve probably… Been too hard on you as well.” The two of you remain silent as you let her clean off your cut. She sprays it with something, which stings enough to make you cringe.

“Quit being such a baby, that will make it heal faster.” You let her keep doing what she’s doing, Eldar medicine is probably more advanced than what your team has got. Those massive syringes and “medical application chainswords”, you shudder slightly at the memories.

Esh pushes you onto a stool and washes your hair for you. It’s pretty different, but you have to admit it does feel good. “You are good at this…” You tell her.

Esh smiles faintly, you can feel happiness and sadness at the same time. Though it could just be that you know jack dick about your new acquired powers really. “I learned from my older sister, she used to do this for me…” You don’t press the issue, if she wanted to tell you more she would.

But that isn’t what you are thinking about at the moment. Unable to contain yourself any longer, you grab her wrist lightly and turn around, pulling Esh into a steamy embrace. “Wa-wait.” She stammers, but you can tell she doesn’t really mean it.

You trap her hands above her head as you push her into the shower wall. With your other hand you raise her face to meet your own, and despite her wide panicked eyes you can tell she wants this. The two of you kiss finally, and her body tenses at the sensation. It goes entirely in the face of her life’s path, but she can’t help herself.

Though when you start to run your hand down her side, your mind is suddenly penetrated by very vivid images. In the first, you and Esh sit on a plush looking couch onboard what you guess is an Imperial ship. Both of you laugh along with the Emperor as he lets his kid swing from his outstretched arm. In the second vision though…

Esh stands alone as your body is laid to rest in a simple but peaceful ceremony. Tears stream down her face, ostracized by her people and with not a friend in the universe.

Two hands push you back slightly as Esh comes back into focus. “You saw something… Didn’t you…?”

You don’t answer her, you don’t have to. “Besides,” she starts, “Do you have any idea how screwed we both would be if we did… uhmm… stuff, on this ship?”

You pause, you hadn’t really thought about that. “Now you get it. Everyone onboard is psychic at least to some extent, if we did something here, they would ALL pick up on it.”

While it isn’t any fun to stop yourself, wet and willing beautiful Eldar in front of you and all, the thought of every Eldar young and old watching with their minds as you do the nasty… Not something you are down for. Both of you towel off and get dressed. Esh leaves for a minute and brings back some of the food she made earlier. You enjoy the food as both of you eat, without a whole lot of conversation. “You should probably get going now…” She finally admits.

You kinda figured, she probably is already catching a lot of flak for having a human aboard. “…B-but if you want to go on a date….if you want to go have fun or something sometime, just give me a call…”

“Alright, I’ll call you when I figure out something to do for a date on this abysmal planet.” She doesn’t snap back with her usually witty retort. One snap crackle and pop later, you are back on Yagis V. You still can’t get those visions out of your head…

Dark Eldar… You know only what you have read in your tome of standard Imperial Literature, as well as what you were taught in training. Quite a bizarre race, and certainly far flung from their Eldar ancestors. They are probably the fastest creatures in the universe, and from accounts of their gladiatorial games the Wych’s are a whole new level of deadly.

They drink souls to stay young and avoid their own souls being devoured by a chaos god they helped create. Famous pirates and mercenaries, it is said no Imperial man has seen the inside of one of their ships and lived to tell the tale. Well, that's what rumor was anyways. To be perfectly honest, they didn't teach you a whole lot other than "Run!" "Shoot!" "Praise the Emprah!!!".

All the more reason to be downright terrified. You were fast asleep when they found you, such easy prey. Two gruff and weathered ones had you disarmed and bound before you could draw your sword. They even now cackle and prod at you, ensuring you of horrific torture to come, before shoving a black bag over your head. After docking with a larger skiff, the soldiers haul you out, while you still struggle against your bonds. You are flung unceremoniously into what you think is a dimly lit room and land with a dull thud, face down.

“Ku ku ku, should we just kill him now? I am so thirsty dear sister.”

“Fu fu fu, maybe we should have some fun with him first, father did provide us with some new toys…”

The voices, though debating the time for your soul’s fate as food and whether or not to torture you first, are beyond beautiful. They make even the finest music of the Imperium sound like the death throes of a grot. You can’t fuck a voice, but you would be willing to try with these two. You speak up to tell them off, because having your soul devoured would kind of mess with your feng shui, but it just comes out as a muffled “Mmmrph mrrrrr mphhhh!” Four delicate, soft hands lift you to your feet.

“What is your name, little human?” The two voices ask in unison, you are fairly sure your ears just had an orgasm.

“My name is Maximus Aurillius Decarus, soldier of the Yagis V guard, Commisar of the 101st Cadia, loyal servant to the true Emprah. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife, and I will have my vengeance in this life or the next.”

The hood is pulled off and you blink at the blinding light. But no, it isn’t a blinding light. Your eyes are in fact fixated on flawless pale skin, and quite a bit of it. The pair before you are unmistakably twins, though each sports a different variation of the same skimpy dress. Smooth, silky black hair falls to the small of the back of one, while her sister has long black twintails held together by emerald green baubles. Their breasts, though not massive, are large and seductively perky, and each of them has a very defined thin waist and shapely hips.

“Hmm, I think just Maximus will do.”

“Yes yes, just Maximus.”

The two Dark Eldar whisper this to you, one pair of dead sexy lips brushing lightly against each ear. Your body shudders uncontrollably from the pleasure, clearly not prepared, and you inadvertently let out a soft moan. “Not so tough are we now, silly silly boy?” They again say in unison, and you fall to your knees, powerless against their angelic voices.

They look down at you, clearly reveling in your weakness. “Though we must admit, no mortal can stand against us and hope to win, we…”

“The Succubus Twins.” The other twin finishes for her sister.

The pleasure in your head is unbearable, and you have achieved a level of hardness that would put ceremite to shame. Still, you don’t want to be tortured and endure having your soul ripped from you and devoured. There is clearly only one option.

You take a deep breath, gathering all your strength for this very moment. “FUS… ROH DAH!!!!!!!!!!!”

The air crackles with psyonic energy as you focus all of your power. Honestly though, you really have no idea how to. Despite that, the twins are thrown back into a pile of pillows. You can’t believe that actually worked, holy fuck! Still, you don’t have time to bask in the awesome as you sprint toward your equipment.

Until a clawed hand snatches you by the arm and lifts you into the air. A malicious smile greets you as the Archon looks you over. “An… Interesting capture, to be sure.” He laughs, but the tone is cold.

“He’s ours!” The twins shout, leaping back to their feet and baring their teeth.

“Know your place, little girls!” The Archon snaps back, before glaring back at you.

“Just for that, we shall see how he fares in the arena.” The blow to the head knocks you out cold…

“Wake up, boy…”

You don’t move, your head still feels like it’s been cracked in half. A bucket of cold water splashes you in the face and you jolt upright, swinging angrily. “Easy there, save it for the arena. You might at least die a warrior’s death.”

The Dark Eldar before you doesn’t look like the others, all young and beautiful. He is old, you can tell that much. Weathered, wrinkled face and beady black eyes. “I’m no enemy of yours boy, just the ferryman who is seeing you through the path to the afterlife. If your gods grant you one, anyways.”

You look around the room cautiously, it appears to be some kind of armory. The old man pulls you to your feet and looks you over curiously. “You know, you might just be the right height…” He mumbles as he lifts your arms around and nods to himself.

He pulls you over to a bench, and you can’t quite believe what’s laying there before you. It’s a suit of power armor, albeit a very old one. The pieces are mismatched and almost none of the colors are the same, you honestly don’t think that it could still be functional. “We captured that a long time ago, but we don’t get many humans down here. Go on, try her on.”

He gives you a light push forward. Well, it might be worth a shot. It takes you several minutes to start putting the armor on, watching the Sorita undress helped a bit in your understanding but the whole ordeal is still pretty complicated. The old Dark Eldar helps you out with it when you ask, though he knows as little as you do.

“There!” He slaps you on the back as both of you stare into a dusty and cracked mirror. “Looks good as new!” The suit looks the exact opposite of new, and you look very awkward in it. It is a bit surprising how well it fits though, and you guess it wasn’t pieced together from ex-astartes gear. Rich traders, members of the Inquisition, shit you don’t really know the first thing about power armor.

“Well, ok, it may not be pretty.” The old man laughs, “But it might give you a few extra minutes of life.” You turn around in the bulky armor, though you feel as light as you did in your commissar digs, which have unfortunately gone missing.

“Thanks for this old man.” You tell him. His small smile quickly fades. “Don’t thank me lad, poor boy like you deserves to see a prettier face before death.”

“Have you ever seen someone come out alive?” He looks solemnly at your question, shaking his head.

“In your position? Never a soul.” Two guards enter and start pushing you roughly toward a large steel door.

“Go to your gods with dignity, my friend!” The old man calls after you. The door falls open with a loud crash and you are shoved forward. Alien sand crunches underneath as you stumble out into the roaring crowd beyond.

You look up into the stands, scanning the faces beyond. Cruel, evil faces for the most part. Though you do spot the twins from earlier, neither of whom look in the least bit pleased at your current predicament. The Archon stands up and raises his hands for silence. “Brothers and sisters!” He calls out, “It is with a sad heart that this pitiful being before you is all that was caught in the last raid. But fear not, for you shall bear witness as the monsters of this world bleed him dry!”

With that, he grabs a rusted old chainsword and pitches it down toward you. The relic lands at your feet with a clatter, you are surprised it’s tired old metal was able to withstand the fall. “You!” You shout, pointing the sword up at the Archon. He gestures to himself mockingly. “I want my hat back.”

He sneers at you before reaching to a table on his left and picking up your hat. Which he places on his own head. You don’t have time for anything else before the gate across from you falls open… And at least five three meter tall spider-looking things come whizzing into the arena.

You barely have time to power up the chainsword before one of the beasts is on top of you. It knocks you to the ground with two of its spindly legs, and presses closer for the kill. The creatures six mandibles work madly as it attempts to bring it’s fangs to bear. You can barely hold it away with one of your feet. You notice another one of the things moving in at you from behind, you don’t have much time to react. Putting everything you’ve got into the swing, you lash out with your chainsword and it connects with the creature’s face. The teeth dig in and cut a nasty gash which spews orange blood from inside the black chitin. The beast screeches furiously as it backs up, two of its mandibles hanging by strands.

The other beast overshoots you and you thrust the sword upwards into its belly. Your chainsword roars in protest at cutting through the hard body, but the momentum of the spider carries it right through. You are splattered and soaked in nasty orange goop and guts as the beast slams hard into the arena wall and curls up. These things are fast, but you don’t think they are very smart. You quickly regain your defensive stance as you turn to face the other three, who now stalk around you in a circle, weary at seeing one of their own killed and another wounded. The injured one sulks near the gate it entered from, empty eyes following your movements.

Something washes over you, and for once it isn’t panic or dread. Its confidence. You can win this fight, you just have to be smart about it.

You may not be the most intelligent dude, hell, you may not even be above average. But you do know one thing, running at these things head on would be downright retarded. As you rev your chainsword you notice that the creatures seem to shy away at the sound, or perhaps the vibration, you can’t be sure. Surely this can be used to your advantage…

You walk toward a small gap between two of them as you rev your sword and wave it around ahead of you. Just as predicted, two of them break off and scuttle around to your left, leaving the other one alone. The creature senses it’s been backed into a corner and with deadly speed rushes out at you. But you’ve been waiting for that. As it opens it’s horrible maw you thrust your arm forward, burying the sword into the foul monster’s head. A plume of orange and green spray erupts as you drive the weapon to it’s hilt. The creature wavers slightly, before crashing onto it’s underbelly.

You are glad to have the armor’s strength enhancements as you wrench the sword back out, which surely you could not have done otherwise. The other two spiders don’t seem to shy away from the sound of your sword now. Stupid beasts as they are, they recognize that it got one of their own killed. That same trick won’t work twice…

You start to focus your mind. You got it to work once, that was a piece of cake right? Summoning your power you direct it out toward one of the last remaining spiders. The creature shrieks and curls into a ball at the feeling of overwhelming pressure pressing in from all sides.

With a pop, the beast collapses, blood and organs oozing from its every orifice. The sight is pretty disgusting, but that isn’t what’s bothering you. Your own head is ringing madly and your vision is blurry. Some kind of side effect from using your power? Maybe you can get Esh to teach you how to use it better, if you ever get out of here alive. Sensing your sudden weakness, the wounded spider leaps to its spindly legs and rushes at you. Though you manage to whirl around just in time and strike, one of its massive fangs pierces your left pauldron and pain erupts through your shoulder.

The crowd, which had been howling furiously at your success, now laughs and cheers at your pain. You are far from down and out, but pain is slowly beginning to spread outward from the piercing wound. You’ve never seen these things before, and have no idea if they are poisonous or if it’s just your body’s reaction to the attack.

Still, only two left now. You turn and face them with your chainsword, but collapse to a knee as the pain intensifies. The creatures follow your movement carefully, and one slowly and tentatively begins stalking toward you. You let it get closer and closer, you have the pain under control now, but this could well earn you the element of surprise.

Yet you wait, biding your time until you can feel the beasts hot breath on your face and hear it’s clicking mandibles practically on your head. With a single arcing slash you separate it’s head from the rest of it, and leap back to avoid the torrent of gushing liquids that follow. The Archon pounds his fist on the arm of his chair and curses angrily.

You now face the last remaining spider, it’s mandibles clicking and wriggling madly as it watches you. It must have decided to press the attack, because without warning it charges right at you. Jumping to the side you swing your sword, cutting through its legs one by one as they fly past.

With a horrible cry the monster skids to a stop and attempts to rise, but finds itself unable. One last thrust of your chainsword into the beast’s head, and you find yourself the last man standing in this bloodbath. The crowd is buzzing with hate now, chucking bits of food and rock at you. Still, you stand tall and raise your sword arm triumphantly. Despite this, the fact that you can barely move your left arm is cause for great concern.

The Archon stands once again, holding his arms out to quiet the crowd, which takes a minute or so. His voice fills the now silent arena, and you get a very bad feeling in your gut. “So the weakling has a bit of fight in him it would seem!” He looks about the crowd as he yells.

“Yet these pitiful dumb beasts can be bested by even our children. Come now, friends, and watch as a true champion of terror rends his flesh from bone. I give you, the pride of the swarm!” A massive gate falls forward and a ear shattering roar echoes forth. Stepping out from the dark into the sunlight beyond it’s cage. A carnifex peers at you hungrily.

You can only stare in disbelief. “By the Emprah…” You whisper to yourself as the Carnifex fully steps into the arena. The beast is enormous, impossibly enormous.

The chainsword, though covered in the blood and guts of the slain spiders, now feels ridiculously weak. You doubt it can even injure let alone kill this foul xeno monstrosity. You know your armor will likely do nothing to stop one of those massive scythed blades from easily slicing you in twain. The crowd is laughing at you now. Laughing at the pitiful guardsman who thought he was king of the world and now gawks in terror at their arena’s king monster. Those two twins you met earlier, however, have vanished from their seats.

“Maximus!” You hear them cry out in tandem and you whirl around to look behind you. A power axe whirls through the air before sinking blade first into the sand beside you. It’s rusted and abused frame still courses with power despite its clearly outdated pattern.

Well, at least that’s something… You plant the chainsword into the sand, thanking it for its service and having done its best in saving your life.

Picking up the axe, you can feel the power rushing through you, renewing your vigor. “Alright bug, let us see what you are made of.” You utter, before dropping back into a stance copied from your favorite space marine movies. Has to be close to a real battle stance, you hope. Your left arm is still working enough to use the axe, for now at least.

You throw caution to the wind, and sprint head on toward the towering ‘nid. Using the armor’s strength you leap into the air toward its head, axe raised above your own as you ready yourself for as powerful of a hack as you can manage. Soaring through the air, you can’t dodge the massive claw that swings toward you.

With a pained grunt you feel it collide with you, and you are pitched backwards until you hit the arena wall. Warning klaxons sound inside your armor and you are pretty sure you have at least several broken ribs. Every pained gasp for air has you clutching at your side as you slide down the slight curve of the wall and collapse in the sand. You can hear the crowd above laughing at you again, but that’s in the back of your mind. The fact that you can barely breath is a bit more of a concern. Powerless to stop it, the Carnifex reaches down and picks you up in one of its massive claws. It holds you up to its soulless eyes as it ponders whether to eat you or just rip you to pieces for fun.

You can do little more than hang there, limp, and watch. The closer you get to the beast, the more you can feel it’s mind pressing into yours. You can see the creature’s thoughts now, or what passes as a ‘nids thoughts anyways. It hates little things, all little things. The whips and the chains that they bring, starvation. It’s lonely here.

As the beast brings you closer now, having decided it will in fact eat you, you reach out an armored hand and rest it on the Carnifex’s head. Poison coursing through your veins, barely able to breath, you go limp as your mind drifts off to remember better days gone by.

The Archon watches with glee as you draw ever closer and closer to your demise. He laughs at your futility as you put your hand on his pet’s head. But his laughter quickly fades as he continues watching. The Carnifex pauses, holding you close to it’s mouth. For a long minute it doesn’t move, the arena dead silent at the sight.

The crowd erupts into whispers as the beast slowly lowers your body down to the arena sand, before setting you there and watching, eyes fixated on the little thing before it. The Archon leaps from his seat suddenly, fury boiling over. “You wretched beast! You disgusting abomination! I’ve kept you alive all these long years and you shall do as I command!”

The Archon jumps down from his personal box into the sand below, spitting madly as he curses the Carnifex. “Kill him you dim animal! KILL HIM!”

But the Carnifex only looks back at him, none sure if it can actually comprehend. “Then die as your wretched kin did, I shall slay him myself.” The Archon raises his personal gun and the shot pierces the Carnifex through its head. The beast falters, before swaying and falling backward.

Almost foaming at the mouth, the Archon grabs you roughly and lifts you to your feet. You were busy talking to your sister, or so you thought. Now, you can only see his burning eyes as he sets you down. “It’s time to end this you pathetic mortal. You may have tricked my beastie, but I shall end you myself.”

He pulls out his sword and clocks you alongside the head with the flat of it. You reel backwards, clutching at your head, no longer in a daze. Both your hands feel numb with pain now, as does most of your chest and it’s beginning to seep into your legs. Your vision is cloudy and it seems like your mind only faintly even know what’s going on. “You can’t do this, Archon.”

“He’s bested the creature, death is not his fate.” You can hear two sweet voices in the background, though everything is so quiet now.

“Hmph, than you can die along with your animal lover you wretched virgin cunts!” Eyes barely open, ears ringing and barely functioning at all, you watch the battle unfold before you. The twins are fast with their swords, but then again, so is the Archon. You can’t even follow it all, the speed so fast and your body so tired. The Archon now seems to have come out ahead, as he disarms them both and snatches each of them by an arm and lifts them above his head. He cackles madly as he raises the sword in triumph, the two girls struggling valiantly but unable to escape. Your body is too tired to react, you can’t even move. All of you is numb now, so numb and so exhausted...

Still, if you are truly destined for death here, today, you aren’t going to pass on quietly into the void. Your muscles tremble as you try to lift the axe, which feels like you may as well be trying to lift a titan by its foot. Damn it Max, come on. You strain as hard as you can, fighting through the numb and the pain and the weakness. Inch by inch, you heft the axe, the Archon too busy crowing over his soon to be victory to notice. Breath comes in ragged gasps, darkness moving in ever further on the edges of your vision. Finally, by sheer will alone, you are poised to strike. “Hey asshole…”

The Archon turns to you, but you don’t give him time to react. “That’s my fucking hat.”

The axe cleaves him through his shoulder, cutting down through his body as though it offered no more resistance than butter. You drop the axe and it plants itself once again into the sand, a fresh coating of blood adorning it’s now gleaming blade. Finally giving out, your body collapses. The last thing you can see is the twins rushing toward you, now free… But this wretched beeping won’t cease.

“By Terra herself, shut that damnable thing off, whatever it is.” You remark to the darkness, "Just because I'm dead again doesn't mean you chaos gods have to be dicks about it." But the beeping continues it’s even pace, and unable to move, there isn’t a damn thing you can really do about it.

“Hush now, you were lucky to make it through the night.” You hear a voice from far off.

“So I’m not dead then? Banging those thirty or so kasrkin girls was all a dream?” A giggle, or maybe two of them.

“I’m afraid so, dear Maximus.”

“That would explain why my everything hurts.”

You try to open your eyes, but a finger on each lid stops you. “It’s another day’s rest for you at the very least.” One of the twins chides you. Well whatever, who are you to argue?

You finally awaken again, feeling enormously better this time, though you are starving. Still, despite the numbness through your limbs, you find you are still unable to rise.

Opening your eyes, you tilt your head as much as you can on the pillow, looking down to see if something has you pinned or you are paralyzed. “Aww fuck, it looks like it’s a wheelchair for me.”

But then you notice two large lumps on either side of your body, hidden by the white sheet. Figuring it’s worth a try, you slowly try to use your mind to pull down the cover.

Though it takes ages, you finally reveal what lies beneath. Or rather, whom. Snoozing quietly on either side of you, heads resting on your chest, the Succubus twins sleep soundly. You sigh as you rest your head again. “Not the worst morning I’ve had.”

Thread 8: "IT'S TIME" "TIME FOR WHAT?" "HERESY"

“Ladies, I don’t mean to interrupt, but I really need to pee.” Two weary-eyed Succubi rise from your chest, wiping at their faces tiredly. You groan, your body is so sore it makes breathing a pain. Rising in the bed is difficult, everything is stiff and protesting any kind of movement. “Go easy on yourself, Maximus, you did almost die you know.” “Yeah yeah, also Max is fine.” The twins look at each other. “Maxi.” “Maxwell.” “Maxtent.” “Maximum!” Okay now they are just playing around. You don’t care as you finally reach what you assume is a Dark Eldar toilet. “Hey, that’s not a… ah… too late.” The twins protest. At this point, you don’t care, you REALLY had to pee. “We should have shown the bathroom to him earlier, Senna.” “Shut up Senda, I know that.” You finally finish, feeling at least relieved. It’s a small thing, but it seems to take away half of your ache. “So that’s you too then is it? Senna and Senda? Fuck me, that won’t get confusing or anything.” The two girls look at you, clearly missing your point. Must be pretty average names for Dark Eldar or something. “I’m Senna.” Says the one with the twintails. “Senna.” Says the one with the straight long hair. “Awful.” “Fine, I’m Senda.” The one with the twintails held up by green baubles finally admits. You lay back down on the cot and slide the rest of yourself back onto it with a painful series of grunts and wheezes, until finally you are comfortable again. As much as you can be, anyways. With a sigh, you close your eyes. “Also, why am I wearing this?” The twins look at each other and giggle, as though it were some kind of inside joke. “No, seriously. I’m the patient, why am I dressed as a sexy Apothecary?” The girls look at each other, than at you, but don’t say anything. “…Whatever, is there anything to eat? I’m starving!” They quickly zip around the room and before you realize it, they are sitting on either side of you spooning soup into your mouth. You let them feed you for a while. It might not be glamerous and the food doesn’t hold a candle to standard Eldar fare (if Esh’s cooking is anything to go off of), but after narrowly avoiding death, you don’t care at this point. You want to relax and let someone else take care of you for a bit. After a half hour or so you finally shake your head and pat your stomach. “Ahh, it’s nice having some food in the mornings again.” The twins eyes meet, and they nod before looking back to you. “Max, how are you feeling? Think you can walk normally?” Senna asks, setting the bowl aside. “Yeah, I think I could probably manage. Why?” Senda bites her bottom lip, eyeing the door nervously. “Well, you see… The Archon had a lot of friends here. We are pretty well known and liked, but even our influence extends only so far… We do have a plan, but before we can act on it, this isn’t a safe place for you to be most likely.” Senda finally admits, revealing that she’s been armed this whole time. It does make some sense. You did help off their leader after all. Though it was the twins that helped you do it… “Wait. If I’m not safe, what about you two? You were fighting him as well.” The twins giggle, and fawn over your hair a little. “Don’t worry about us, honey. We can handle our own, and besides…” Senda looks over to a portrait of a dark and sadistic looking Dark Eldar on the wall. From his fancy gear and whatnot, you can tell this dude is probably somebody big. “No one is brave enough to mess with us, not with daddy on his way here and all.” You shrug. “So what’s the problem then?” “Just because no one wants to mess with us doesn’t mean someone is above figuring out a way to poison you while you sleep.” Senna sets your equipment down on a nearby table. You notice hat-chan sits there and looks polished and clean. “Well, that would not be too much fun…” Getting away from crazy evil ninja space elves is probably not a bad plan. “Decidedly not. Here, we’ll give you our own personal communicator numbers.” They program them into your own device and put it back into its belt pouch. Despite not really needing it, you let them help you get dressed. They insisted and seem to enjoy it, and admittedly you do as well. “We’ve arranged a transport to take you wherever you need to go. You should be safe out there, we will be keeping the late Archon’s friends… Occupied…” The twins say mischievously, and you can tell by the look in their eyes that it’s a bad day to be one of those friends. The girls escort you to the transport, flanked the whole time by a dozen of their hard-eyed loyal soldiers. Despite a few nasty stares, most of the Dark Eldar quickly and politely get out of the twins way. “Don’t hesitate to give us a call, Max. We should have this whole thing sorted out quickly.” Senna says as you stand in the open door of the small transport skiff. “Next time, we’ll make sure it’s more fun and maybe even less life threatening.” Senda follows with a smile. The two of them kiss you on the cheek, and with a final farewell, the doors close. “Where are we headed?” The pilot asks with a nod. You check your phone. The twins have changed your background photo to a picture of them blowing a kiss together. Cute. You notice you have one new message from that as well. "Daddy says he very much wants to meet you next time." Not sure if want... [ ] Find the Mechanicus and see if anyone is still alive there. [ ] Spy on what has the Orks acting so weird, you’ve never seen them like THIS. [ ] The Necrons are surely up to something sinister… [ ] Burn some heretic traitors with the bolter bitch babe. [ ] Help the Tau girl find her brother. “Here, punch in these coordinates.” You give the pilot the imperial designation, which he thankfully converts in his head to whatever system the Dark Eldar used. You can’t read any of the gauges or feeds. The skiff ride is pretty smooth, and you almost drift off into a nap before the pilot kicks you in the shin. “OW! Dude what the fuck?” “We’ve arrived. Get out of my skiff, I’ve got a hot date tonight.” Well, you can’t hate on a fellow player. So you climb out and toss him a sloppy salute as he speeds off. The building in front of you is quite large, and in typical imperial fashion, looks a lot like all the buildings around it. It also looks deserted. Still, you aren’t going to give up. Someone has got to still be alive in there, and you are going to find them. It takes several minutes of walking to finally get to an entrance. After dying and all of your almost-dying, you are kind of on edge. You finger the laspistol nervously, wishing that you still had even that junky power armor, which unfortunately was rendered useless but saved your life. Though having your hat again is a massive confidence boost by itself. When you finally enter, the whole factory is dead silent. Massive gears and belt systems, normally whirring and loud, are deathly silent. You don’t know the layout of the building, so you are just exploring the off shooting hallways and whatnot randomly. Much of the place is too dark for you to even see, the rest is softly illuminated by emergency lighting. [ ] Activate secondary generators [ ] Find personal illumination [ ] Stay in the dark After digging through several lockers, you finally find a nonstandard illumination unit. In the shape of a standard guardsman lasgun. Dohoho. A bit more confident with some way to see where you are going, you press yet deeper into the passageways which seem to grow more and more narrow. You freeze suddenly, as your dim beam catches a flicker of movement. Quickly drawing your laspistol you try to find whatever is out there moving in the dark, but it eludes your light. You can still hear it, tapping quietly through the hallway right in front of you now! Heart thundering in your chest, knowing whatever it is, it’s just beyond the range of your flashlight. Throwing caution to the wind, you sprint to catch up. Only with the sound of your own heart beating and your heavy boots on the cold metal floor, when you slow down, you find that the noise has ceased. And you are in a dead end which splits off into three rooms. Whatever it is, it’s probably watching you right now. “…umm…” “HOLY SHIT FUCK!” You jump and whirl around, laspistol shaking in your hand. The light finally illuminates what has been avoiding you this whole time, and you almost start spamming the trigger of your pistol, but manage to stop yourself just in time. “D-don’t shoot me!” She cries, shying away from you and covering her face. With a sigh of relief as your heart resumes beating, you holster your gun and take a few seconds to calm yourself down. The girl doesn’t show herself, still cowering in her red hooded robe. “Hey now, I’m not going to shoot you.” You tell her, pointing to your now holstered pistol. She looks through her fingers at you, but doesn’t say anything. “I uhh… I like your robot arms.” You finally say after a minute of silence passes. “T-thanks I like yours too.” She responds in a very meek voice. “Uhm…” The girl has her hand over her mouth now, as though she can’t really believe what she just said. You notice a few yellow wires fall out of the pockets of her robe. “I…Ummm… I~… No….” She seems to be struggling, more and more wires falling from her pockets. “Why am I so bad at this!” She finally yells, before leaping up and dashing past you back into the dark hallway wires streaming out of her pockets and littering the ground. You don’t move for a few seconds, still a bit stunned. You can hear the tech priestess sobbing as she storms down the narrow passage. Finally you snap back to and realize she’s getting away from you. “WAIT!” You shout down the hallway as you chase after her. Her footsteps are still ahead of you, she’s still running as fast as she can. “Hold up, I just want to talk!” You yell again. She doesn’t respond, but you can tell that you are gaining on her now. She was a bit shorter than you and you are probably in better shape, though your body is cursing you for being so rough on it after it nearly gave out two days ago. Now within feet, you can see her looking back, tears in her eyes. “Gotcha!” You yell triumphantly when you finally grab her by the hand and slow to a stop. She struggles, but you don’t let her go. The tech priestess is still sobbing and won’t turn to face you, hiding in her hood. “Easy there, we both startled each other. No need to get so worked up.” Despite your soothing, she doesn’t stop crying quietly. “Hey now, no need for that.” You pat her on the head like you used to do for Helena when she was sad or frustrated. The tech priestess finally turns to you and looks up enough that you can just barely see her eyes. “Y-you aren’t mad at me?” She stammers, her voice hoarse. “No, of course not. Why would I be?” You assure her “I…I’m not very good with people.” She finally says quietly, lowering her head so her face is again hidden. Despite the fact that she is still trembling like a scared animal, she’s stopped crying at least. “I don’t buy that, you seem very nice.” You assure her, as you start to pull back on her hood to reveal her face. “No!” She yelps, grabbing her hood and holding it in place. “Hey, what’s wrong now? I just want to make sure you aren’t injured.” She stays silent for several moments. “I… I don’t like showing people my face.” You smirk. “Too bad.” You quickly whip off her hood and she jumps in shock before crouching down and burying her face in her arms. “Come on, you can show me. Did you get hit in the face or something?” She shakes her head. “N-No… No, it’s not that.” “Than what could it possibly be?” You ask kindly, pulling her lightly up so she's standing again. “The other tech priests… They… They say I’m… I’m Ugly.” She stammers, trying even harder to hide herself. “Yeah well, admech dudes often have pretty bad taste.” With that, you pull her arms apart gently and meet her face to face.

Her face is hideous, a mess of tubes and wires with soulless black eye-implants. "Nope, I'm out." You put a las round though your own temple.

Her eyes are a bit red and staring hard at her feet, but they are a pretty almond and go well with her black hime cut. Despite what she says, and whatever those gearheads say, she is in fact quite beautiful. “Yeah, they are officially confirmed for shit taste.” You tell her. She finally looks back at you, still trembling but with maybe a faint hint of appreciation. “R…Really?” She asks quietly. “Yeah, really. You are damn fine. Is this an Immolator factory? Because you look hot.” Despite your terrible lines, she awards you with a faint smile. “Do you mean it?” She asks, a little louder and less shy now. “I would take you home and eat cherries off of your ass while I let you fix my cycle.” She giggles before looking you fully in the eyes and smiling genuinely. “You are pretty weird.” She finally says, though no longer gloomy. “So I’ve been told… Anyways, what is this place?” She raises an eyebrow, as if a bit surprised. “Well, there’s really only one thing Yagis V produces in any kind of quantity.” “Which is?” You press, as much as you think you already know the answer. “Well… Lingerie…” “Fuck... I was REALLY hoping for baneblades.” Before you can continue giving her the moves, a skull probe pokes its head out of her robes at her feet. “Mika-chan, chaos terminators detected inside the structure.” It chimes in a cheery robot voice. “H-huh? Where?” The tech priestess stammers back to it. “Right here.” The skull responds back with a now VERY out of place cheerfulness. A powerfist busts through the wall not three feet to your left. “OH YEAHHHHH!!!!!!!!” The dust clears, and three chaos terminators are staring you right in the face. [ ] Back down the hallway [ ] Room 1 [ ] Room 2 [ ] Room 3 [ ] Fight and die “Have at you!” You yell, drawing your sword. Before you can react, a chain fist buries itself in Mika’s side. “Hah!?” She yells in surprise before blood oozes out of her mouth and her eyes go blank. The terminator laughs as he tosses her limp form aside, before turning to you. Their guns level, and in this narrow hallway, you don’t have anywhere to escape to. [ ] Sword [ ] Pistol [ ]Psychic blast “Quick, in here!” Mika grabs your hand and both of you sprint into one of the nearby rooms. She slams the door shut and a heavy bolt engages the lock. “That will hold them for a second or two, but we don’t have much time!” She yells at you. But you are already on it. “Don’t worry babe, I’ve got this shit. Wait, how the fuck are you still ALIVE?" "Good armor save." She replies as her hands fly over a control panel. The terminator armor is quite a bit harder to put on than the standard power armor was, but you are pretty quick with your lives on the line and all that. Three weapons adorn a rack on the wall, but the left hand of the armor is already taken up by a shield. [ ] Power sword [ ] Storm bolter [ ] Power Axe “Alright, this should do it.” You grab the power axe and ready yourself for the fight. “Hey, what are you doing? Use your other arms to grab those other weapons!” Mika yells at you as the door starts to cave from power fist blows. She pulls off your hat and stuffs the helmet onto your head. You don’t complain, hat-chan is cool but he can’t stop bolter rounds. “Huh?” But you quickly realize that somehow you are controlling two additional servitor arms attached to the armor. Without questioning it, you grab the sword and storm bolter with the claws, and again turn to face the wall. The door finally is blown back off of its heavy hinges, but the chaos terminator stops when he sees you. “None shall stand in the path of the rape train.” With that, you swing the axe down and it easily cuts into his head. The heavy armor slams hard into the ground, and the other two terminators look startled. Clearly, things were not going as planned. Before they can raise their guns, you let them have it with the storm bolter. They are knocked backwards from the impact of the heavy shells, and you press your attack until you are within range. The one on your left pulls back his power fist for a strike, but you quickly lash out with the shield and knock him onto his back. At the same time, your servitor arm lashes out with the sword and pierces the other terminator through his middle. The last chaos terminator struggles to rise, but you put a heavy boot on his chest, and the storm bolter clatters away. Chaos head jelly, order yours today. “Nice work!” Mika yells with adoration, jumping over the corpses until she’s behind you. She has a laspistol clutched in both hands and both mechanical arms. “Thank me when we’re out of this mess.” You tell her. You sincerely doubt this is over yet. [ ] Down the hallway back into the man factory floor [ ] Through the hole the chaos terminators made. “Back into the factory floor, I have a feeling some bad shit is about to come pouring out of that hole.” Mika doesn’t argue with you, and both of you sprint down the hallway. Well, more like she walks along behind your lumbering ass. “Cant this thing go any faster? Why didn’t you at least paint it red?” Mika looks startled at the question. “It-It’s a work in progress, I haven’t had time to finish it yet!” Finally the two of you get through the winding hallways and into the open factory. You notice the lights are now on, casting a bright light over the paradise before you. “Quit oogling them and lets go!” Mika shouts, pushing you in the back as though you can even feel that. “Err… Yeah…” You toss the power sword aside and snatch up a bag of factory fresh goodies, labeled “Assorted”, you like the sounds of that. “Wah? What are you doing?” Mika stammers, looking at the power sword than back at you. “Uhh… It was malfunctioning.” “B-but…” “No time, let’s move!” You shout, and it sounds pretty bad-ass through the helmet. You lumber over to the massive hanger door. Why a lingerie factory has a hanger door a baneblade could fit through, you don’t know, but you don’t know if the armor can fit through the door you first entered into the factory. The metal door creaks in protest, but then starts to lift up with a faint grinding noise. As soon as it lifts up enough, you duck underneath and step out into the light. “Commissar, how good to see you again.” Abbadon laughs mercilessly. “Cockfag.” Abbadon’s smile fades slightly, and he pats the leg of the Defiler standing next to him. Which lifts up its two front arms, and is going to try to flatten you. Roll for initiative.

Too busy dreaming of the bag of goodies in your servitor arm, you don't have time to react to the attack. The Defiler flattens you, and, under Abbadon's order, keeps wailing away until little remains of you but shards of metal and a gooey mess.

You don’t give the Defiler time, and step within its reach. “Stay inside!” You shout back to Mika, who doesn’t reply. The construction of chaos slams its arms down furiously, but they miss. You swing the power axe with all of your might, and it pierces into the Defiler, but only slightly. The thing doesn’t seem fazed, or amused. It’s lascannons rotate down to fry you. Abandoning the axe, you roll out of the way and the shots scorch the concrete where you had stood a second ago, Abbadon has retreated back and is laughing, clearly expecting you won’t make it out of this. He claps his hands together in amusement. Wait, he didn’t have arms the last time you saw him, but you don’t have time to point out that glaring plot hole You recover from the roll just in time to raise your shield in a vain attempt to block an incoming arm, which impacts hard. The blow sends you rolling back, and the shield is cracked in half. You notice it also disabled your left servitor arm. Dropping the storm bolter down into your hands, you unleash it on the Defiler, which doesn’t seem to notice it much. “Emprah damn it!” You shout as the gun runs dry. The Defiler swings down again, and again you dodge. Only this time, you seize the opportunity and run up its arm as fast as the suit allows. “Hit from underneath!” You hear Mika cry out. A pitiful leap barely carries you back to the axe, which you wrench out from the raging machine as you fall back to the pavement. Now you have its soft underbelly exposed, and you hack at one of the legs. The axe cleaves through the metal, leaving the leg hanging by just a strand of melted slag, and completely unusable. The Defiler screeches in protest, but you aren’t about to relent. Again and again you cut, severing legs until the monstrous machine falls hard onto its side. Leaping up on top of it, you deliver one last massive strike to its exposed side. It’s power goes dead. “Where are my arms, how was I clapping?” Abbadon howls, confused. “Master, we must retreat!” A cultist yells and tugs on Abbadon’s armor. Reluctantly he climbs into the back of a rhino, but even as it speeds off he screams back at you. “I’LL HAVE YOUR HEAD ONE DAY COMISSAR! AND YOUR MEDDLING FRIENDS TOO!!! You collapse as the armor powers down, and you read the message in your helmet. “Game Over… Continue?” But you don’t have any thrones, and you can’t move the suit. Mika struggles for a moment, but finally gets the helmet off of you, before putting your hat back on. After a few minutes, she’s got you out of the armor entirely. Mika is panting and sits down, exhausted. “Those pieces are heavy…” She says between deep breaths. Her robe is open, and you can’t help but watch her perky unmodified boobs rising up and down with her chest. Come to think of it, the only modifications you can see are her additional mechanical arms. “So you don’t have a lot of metal bits, eh?” She blushes at your comment, and closes her robe. “I know, I know. How unsightly right?” You shake your head. “Nah, metal parts are cool and all, but I prefer you without anything more than what you’ve got. I think you look great as is.” She looks away and laughs, still blushing. “You are very different from the tech-priests.” You smile at her, and she smiles back. No guns going off, lived another day, talking with a pretty girl. Yeah, this is nice, you should defiantly do this more often. Preferably with less things trying their damnedest to kill you. “While, I did manage to save this at least.” You hold up the bag of assorted lingerie triumphantly. Mika giggles at you, than pauses. “Come to think of it, I don’t know your name.” Shit, you haven’t introduced yourself yet. “Right, sorry. I’m Max. Mad Decarus, with the guard. Sort of…” You trail off. Who ARE you with anymore? “Anyways, I don’t think it’s a good idea to stick around here. We need to find someplace safer.” Mika looks fired up at your words. “I know just the place, I was planning on trying to go there myself. It’s an Admech shelter in case of an event like this. The whole place is rigged with turrets and whatnot, it’s probably the safest place on the entire planet.” “Shit, why didn’t you mention this earlier? Let’s go!” “The place is a bit of a distance from here, we’re going to need some kind of transport.” Shit, you haven’t seen anything around. After a bit of walking you manage to locate three vehicles. To be honest, you don't really know how to drive any of them. [ ] Thunderbolt [ ] Rhino [ ] Tauros "Hey Mika, do you have any idea how to drive any of these?" She tilts her head and looks at you. "N-no? I thought you did?" "None of them?" "No, I can drive some tanks so the rhino would be close to that...Maybe? But it would take forever to get there..." Alright then, its settled. “We’re taking the thunderbolt.” Mika looks a bit terrified, clutching at her robe nervously. “Umm… I thought you didn’t know how to fly one of those?” “How hard can it be?” You shrug. Your sentiment changes somewhat, however, when you are both strapped into the cockpit as the craft sits poised on the launch ramp. “You…. You’re sure about this?” She’s visibly shaking. “…No, let’s go try something else.” You hit the button that you think opens the cockpit back up.

• Launch sequence initiated, may the Emperor guide your flight*

“That… Was not the button I was looking for.” “Max, if you don’t know how to fly this, chances are we are probably going to die.” You turn around to make a witty comment. “Yeah well never tell me the odHOLY FUUUUUUCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” The Thunderbolt is thrown forward by the catapult, the air speed gauge is rapidly increasing. Too late to bail now, you grab the control stick and hang on for dear life. The fighter shakes and bucks as its rocketed down the ramp, it’s engines screaming to life. You don’t even have time to think before you are in the air, looking at the orange sky above, the sun beginning to set. Still, you haven’t died yet. Everything seems ok. Taking hold of the stick, you try to put the craft into a soft left turn. The fighter lurches into a hard roll, and begins spinning rapidly, increasing in speed. “Max, level us out!” Mika screams, “Pedals, there should be pedals!” You try to stop the roll, pushing hard on each of the pedals trying to figure out which one is going to keep you in the sky longer. After several agonizing seconds, you manage to level the craft out. Just in time to see the burst of autocannon fire miss your left wing by inches. “Hell Talons!” Mika yells, “Two of them!” [ ] Try to outrun them [ ] Dogfight [ ] Evasive maneuvers Skilled pilots or not, they are actual pilots and you are some idiot sitting in a craft that takes years of training to learn. There’s no way you are going to break and get into a turning fight, you would get slaughtered. “Hold on!” You shout back to Mika, before shoving the stick forward and jamming down the right pedal. The Thunderbolt rolls over into a dive and quickly starts losing altitude. The Talons blow past you, having been at max speed in their attempt to get into range. The g forces are intense, and it’s a struggle to keep from blacking out. Mika isn’t faring as well as you, she’s already out. As close to the deck as you dare, you reverse the move. Or you try to. The craft groans against the stress, and is only easing out of the dive at slowly. Too slowly. You pull with all your might, until finally the nose inches up and levels off. You look down just in time to see a building blink by, mere feet below you. Mika must have come to, because you hear her scream “Chill out, I think we’re all right.” You call back to Mika. “Then why were you screaming?” A flash of lascannon fire misses the front of your fighter, but just barely. Heading straight at you, guns blazing, another Talon. “Shoot at them!” Mika yells up to you. You don’t know how, so you just start pressing triggers. The Thunderbolt shudders as it’s autocannons and lascannons open up, sending tracers and flashes of pinkish light out at the enemy fighter. You are missing, by a substantial margin, but the Talon stops shooting and skids slightly to its right. Right, the pedals! You jam on the left pedal and it kicks your nose to the left. You haven’t let up on your guns, despite a few warning lights flipping on and a klaxon sounding. The Talon erupts into flames as the high explosive autocannon shells rake his fuel supply. He pitches up, climbs a few hundred meters, than explodes into shrapnel. You barely manage to skid the craft with the pedal again, just in time to avoid a hunk of wing that would have sheared off your own. “There it is!” Mika grabs your shoulder and points to a large bunker laid into the side of a mountain. “Hold on, we’re going in hot.” You don’t know why you said that, maybe you thought it sounded cool. What you should have said is “Pray to the omnissiah, because I don’t know how to land.” You pull back on the thrusters until the engine cuts out, trying desperately to lose air speed. The belly of the ship touches down, hard, and you are jolted around the cockpit. Your head and neck ache from snapping around. Thankfully the Thunderbolt is a sturdy craft, because you are only knocked unconscious when it impacts a solid concrete wall. Helena laughs as she terrorizes Sarah unrelentingly. Frederick presses as close to the tank’s open turret as he dares, forgetting about his repair job on the targeting system. “Hey! Stop…ahh! Get off! Fucking hell, you are as perverted as your brother!” “Ohohoho? You mean you don’t like me grabbing these big ol’ round earthshakers?” Helena teases. “No! NO! Emprah damn it Helena, leave my twins alone!” Frederick’s servitor arms are moving on their own and leaking oil slightly. “Hah! Were you as shy when you let my pervy bro stick his basilisk between these?” “Helena you bitch, I’ve told you a million times that was a HUGE mistake!” But Helena isn’t about to give in. “I remember you calling me, so worked up and distressed.” Helena puts her hands to her face mockingly. “Oh Helena it was terrible, he shot that sticky stuff all over my face!” Helena’s voice is nasally, impersonating Sarah, badly. Sarah, finally at her limit, tackles Helena to the bottom of the tank. “I told you, it was a stupid mistake that I wholly regret. I was curious, that’s ALL.”

Thread 9: MR & MRS HERESY

“Ugghhh…” You groan as you grab your head. That wasn’t a soft landing, but good thing you had this solid concrete wall to stop you. Good thing it wasn’t a pillow manafactorum or something.

You hit the release for your belt and, still grumbling, pop the cockpit canopy as well. “Sorry about that one Mika.”

But she doesn’t respond. You look over and see her slumped over in her seat. “H-hey! Mika!”

Quickly rushing over to her, you grab her arm and feel for a pulse. It’s there, thankfully, and feels entirely normal. She must still just be out cold. After a bit of fumbling you manage to unhook her from the seat. You would have thought she was heavy with those two metal arms attached to her back, but she’s surprisingly light. Well, you have carried a fully decked out sister after all.

Making sure not to bang her head into anything or drop her, you slowly and carefully lift Mika into your arms. She still isn’t responsive, and you begin to worry that maybe she took that landing harder than you did. Now secure in your arms and free of overhead obstacles, you carry her off the wreckage. The front of the Thunderbolt is smashed in, a wing bent forward, sheered at its base. It was a good plane, but it isn’t going to be taking you anywhere else.

Mika must have known what she was talking about though, because the bunker complex in front of you looks more or less impenetrable. Even from here you can see an obscene amount of turrets, cannons, and missiles.

Well, by the looks of it, those turrets are automated. You look like any other commissar and you are carrying a tech-priestess. Hopefully that will mean you won’t get turned into goo by heavy bolter fire.

The main entrance is large, large enough to fit a tank through. A tank which comes roaring up the ramp at you.

You jump to the side as the baneblade speeds by, probably at its max speed. You manage to see the word “Rex” painted across the side. However the tank pays you no mind, and instead begins circling the large field, it’s turrets rotating as if scanning for threats.

Well, at least it didn’t kill you. You enter the large door which is still open. The room is enormous, filled with computer terminals and whatnot, and also completely empty.

“~Oh good. Company.~” Comes a melodious robotic voice. You look around quickly, but don’t see anything.

“~I hope Rex didn’t startle you, I’ve just let him out to play.~”

Finally you look up, and see what’s been talking to you. It’s some kind of contraption of robot orb things, attached to the ceiling. It peers down at you ponderously with a glowing orange eye. “Rex… The baneblade?”

“~Indeed. This fortress is fully autonomous, and currently empty.~”

You were hoping to find some other people, hopefully someone who could help you out with Mika. “Hey, robot thing, I think my friend here might be hurt.”

The orb whizzes as it extends its lens, taking a closer look at Mika. “~Medical bay, follow the red line.~”

“Hey, thanks!” As you pass by underneath the robot, you look up and notice the word “SLaDOS” painted on the side of it. Whatever, it seems trustworthy enough. The red line takes you through a series of large passages, and terminates quite early at what you can easily tell is the medical bay.

You enter, and notice the place is empty. A medical bay isn’t going to be much help without someone who knows what they are doing… Carrying Mika through the ward, you finally give up, there isn’t anyone to help you here. You set her down on a bed and think hard.

But before you can start to play doctor, a metallic voice sings from behind you. “~Preliminary scan complete, tech-priestess condition optimal. She is simply unconscious, Commissar.~”

You sigh in relief. “Thanks. When will she be awake?”

“~Difficult to tell, but she will. You can entrust her to my care.~”

You don’t feel entirely right about leaving Mika here… Your communicator interrupts your train of thought. It’s a call from your friend Douglass.

Your DEAD friend Douglass.

Quickly you accept the transmission and whip the phone to your ear. “Douglass, man, what the fuck? I saw you die!”

There is no noise for several seconds. Until finally the silence is permeated by a series of soft metallic clicks and what sounds like metal scraping against something. The transmission ends. You call it back, but whatever it is that has his communicator, it doesn’t pick up. “I can trust her with you?” You finally ask SLaDOS.

“~I will take good care of her Commissar.~” You don’t have much of a choice, you need answers. Mika’s communicator isn’t difficult to find, on an inside pocket of her robe. You pull it out and quickly exchange frequencies.

You find a pen and some paper and quickly scribble her a note telling her what just happened and that she needs to call you as soon as she wakes up. “Make sure nothing happens to her, because if something does, I’ll come back to kick robot ass and chew bubble gum. And I don’t think Yagis V has any gum.” The robot laughs cheerfully.

“~This is a safe place Commissar, she will not be harmed.~”

With one last look back at the limp tech-priestess, you head back into the outdoors. You are going to find answers, but you don’t even know where to start. You have a feeling you will find out somehow though.

---

A long, last drag of his cigarette. Douglass looks out over the raging seas far below, wind whipping the yellow ribbon he always kept with him into a frenzy. His fingers run over the fabric, remembering.

“Almost hard to believe, isn’t it Max?” He doesn’t look back at you, face hard against the weather, jaw set.

“I mean, can you really believe it? All of it? Passing training, the graduation, getting shipped off to serve the Emperor?” He flicks the butt and watches it soar through the air, taken by the wind.

You aren’t exactly sure what to say, it should be a happy day, but you know it can’t be, not entirely. “Something to be proud of, all of us.” Is all you can manage.

Douglass doesn’t turn around but nods slowly. He might be the toughest guy you know, but everyone has their weak point…

---

Lycheria and her sisters show up in parade march. Usually cheerful, zealous faces, now rendered solemn. The battlefield is covered in a light layer of snow, preserving the scene before you as it was when you left it.

Guardsmen, your comrades, dead where they fell. “Thanks for doing this for me.” You tell Lycheria, who squeezes your hand.

“They passed on as they lived, in glorious service to the Emperor and in protection of their families.” She turns to the Sorita waiting in the open hatch of the Immolator, and nods.

Fire erupts from flamers, bodies crackling peacefully as they are consumed. The night grows dark, and you haven’t moved, watching the fire as it slowly begins to die down. The sisters each clap you lightly on the shoulder or speak soft, encouraging words. Lycheria puts her hand on your back for a moment, watching with you, before she turns to go. She knows now isn’t the time, there are some things a man just has to see through himself.

You watch the fire for hours as the sky grows ever darker. Finally, nothing but glowing coals and ash.

You look at the yellow ribbon in your hand, dirty and torn. You try to think of something to say, but you can’t come up with anything. Douglass was always the quiet, stoic type anyways. The ribbon slips through your fingers, the stiff wind lifting it away from you. It spins and dips in the cold evening air. You watch silently as it finally disappears into the darkness beyond.

A Necron tomb is close by, and the data on the servo skull showed it to be abandoned. Perhaps it’s dim halls can provide some time to reflect. With a final salute, one you hold for several moments, you turn your back, commending your friends to the afterlife.

All of your friends except Douglass, who’s body you didn’t find. The crypt is as silent as well, a crypt.

You know there are active Necrons on this planet, but this isn’t a place they use any more, according to the skull anyways. The tomb is illuminated by soft green light, which is nice because you probably wouldn’t have entered if it was dark.

Despite what it is, you find the tomb peaceful. The quiet a reprieve from everything you’ve gone through since first touching down on this planet. Deeper and deeper you descend, making sure to keep track of exactly how to get out as you do.

You pause, however, when you hear something. Almost indiscernible, a soft rhythmic clanging.

While you are curious, there is no need to tempt fate. You crouch and continue quietly, making as little noise as you can. The deathly silence of the tomb doesn’t make that easy.

• clang* *clang* *clang*

The noise is getting closer, and is probably loud enough that whatever’s making it hasn’t heard your footsteps. Your heart beats ever harder the closer you get.

• Clang* *Clang* *Clang*

Its so close now, just inside a room ten feet in front of you. You inch closer and closer along the wall, your heart in your throat now.

• CLANG* *CLANG* *CLANG*

With a bit of trepidation, you slowly peek out into the room. You aren’t sure what to think of the sight that greets you.

A Necron, or what you at least think is a Necron, has another more generic one bent over a rock. The one standing is dangling with flesh, sickeningly moist flesh which jiggles and shakes as the Necron thrusts. The one bent over the rock struggles, but is held in place by scythe-like claws stuck into its back.

Before you can react, the flayed one looks quickly over at the doorway. Eyes meet yours. Douglass’s eyes. Or where they should have been anyways.

His face is contorted in what looks like a scream, stretched across the head of the Necron like some kind of mask. Pale, dead skin taut against metal underneath. The jaw bounces and the cheeks jiggle as the flayed one continues its rape. You realize, feeling sick, that this thing is wearing Douglass.

• CLANG* *CLANG* *CLANG*

The Necron doesn’t take its eyes off you as it finally stops thrusting, reaches forward with its other clawed hand, and starts pulling off the other one’s head. The injured Necron cries out, which quickly falls silent, as it’s spine is ripped from its body.

The flayed one tosses the head and spine at your feet, before uttering a terrible metallic screech. You don’t even think, you just run.

You cry out in pain as sharp claws rip into your back, tearing through your skin. You are still running, fast enough to keep the flayed one just out of lethal range, hopefully.

As you sprint up back the way you came, you draw the laspistol and fire it over your shoulder. Even the shots that connect seem to have little effect. The flayed one is screaming in its soulless robotic tone as it chases you down, enjoying the hunt.

Blood is pouring from the wound on your back, the pain would be too excruciating to move if you were not currently fleeing for your life. It doesn’t seem like it’s any use running, as the claws rake you again and again.

You can feel your legs growing weaker, though you keep pressing on as hard as you can. Your back, much of which now is shredded, is slick with your own blood. The claws lash out again, and with a terrible dread and disbelief, you feel much of your left arm fall from your body. Your eyes take in what used to be your arm, now a stump that ends before your elbow.

Screaming at the pain, you fall to the cold floor below. You turn around to see the flayed one working it’s bladed fingers madly as it stands over you, it seems to be reveling in your impending death. Until a green bolt of energy catches it in the side, tearing away metal and scorching the flayed one’s skin dress.

The flayed one turns around, screaming madly. Another bolt of gauss fire catches it, this time center chest. The skin-wearing mother fucker falls to its knees, jaw working furiously but emitting no sound.

One last shot obliterates its head, and the monstrosity of metal and flesh collapses right beside you. You look up even as you grip your stump, trying to stop the bleeding as best you can. Another Necron steps into view, this one far more humanoid. The pariah peers down at you curiously, poking you lightly with its staff.

You can’t even struggle as it walks closer still. You notice its long black braid, held together with glowing green jewelry. Its features are soft, feminine even. The Necron looks almost like a human girl. One who stands back up and levels it’s gauss gun right at you.

Until a bolter round whizzes past its head. “We claim victory over this tomb, and all shall know of our glorious battle here!”

More bolter fire, and the pariah hisses furiously before retreating into a dark side-passage. Heavy boots approach from behind you, but you can’t even turn to look. You can actually feel your heart slowing. “…Call for the Apothecary, quickly!” The marine beside you yells.

Just before you black out, you notice the paint scheme. Gold trim…

---

“Commissar…” The voice a million miles away.

“Commissar!” You awaken with a jolt. You are laying on a white bed, heavy bandages wrapped around your chest.

Was it all a dream? One look to your left, at the stump greeting you there, confirms it was not. You feel sick. Where you once had an appendage, now you have nothing. You can’t even look at it, turning your head away quickly. “Feeling alive again?” The voice turns away, “Thank you for your assistance brother Genevus, please go help any other wounded.”

“Chapter master?” Genevus asks hesitantly.

“It’s quite all right, leave us.” You turn to look at the source of the conversation. One space marine is already exiting the room; and another, a giant in what you think is terminator armor, sits down beside you. His obscene amount of purity seals rustling as he adjusts in the chair.

The marine next to you sits back and takes a drink out of a mug, which curiously bears the symbol of a wolf. “Well Commissar, or should I say, guardsman, what say you?”

You remain speechless, disbelief sinking your stomach. How they found out, you don’t know. “Guardman, you do know the punishment for committing such a crime, do you not?”

“I…Err…”

“As Harry Partridge, chapter master of the most glorious of all astartes, the Galactic Partridges, I ask again. You are aware of the repercussions for what you have done, are you not?” You swallow hard.

“I… I am. But I can explain…” He holds up a massive hand to stop you from talking.

“Then you know it is well within my right and even perhaps my obligation to execute you here and now.” You try to back away, but there isn’t anywhere to go.

“I was just doing what I had to, I’m the last guard on the planet sir.” The Chapter Master laughs, a booming laugh that echoes through the small building.

“I care little for such trivial matters, there is only one thing that interests me.” He stands up and puts a hand on your shoulder.

“Glory, guardsman. Glory is all I care for.” You watch as he takes another drink. “I’ll offer you a proposition in exchange for your life. My good friend Logan has just arrived with his force on this planet, and I would like you to aid me in giving them a proper… Greeting.” He pours something into a cup similar to his, which he extends to you.

“T-to the glory of the partridges?” You stutter. He reaches out and clinks his mug against yours. “All glory belongs to the Partridges!” He responds, taking a long drink.

Several moments pass as you enjoy whatever is in the mug. You aren’t sure what it is, but it seems to rejuvenate you a bit. Well, as much as you can be when you remember you are missing an arm. “If I may, Chapter Master, what is it exactly you want me to do?”

Harry Partridge smiles as he raises his mug to his lips again. “Well, guardsman, you are going to help me troll the Space Wolves.”

And that is how you found yourself, sitting on a log in “rescued” Space Wolf power armor. Being the bait for the Tyranid swarm. You look up as you hear a screech, and turning around, you curse.

Tyranids. A fuck ton of Tyranids.

“Uhh… Harry? Dude shit is getting uncool pretty fast down here!” You grab the runic axe they gave you tightly in your one remaining arm. You are swimming in the armor as well, it being made for someone about your height but roughly ten times or so your weight.

“Don’t worry, Max, we’ve detected Space Wolf drop pods coming down toward your position. Just hold out until they arrive.” As much as the Chapter Master said it was an easy and safe plan, you had your doubts.

Now, those doubts seem affirmed. A swarm of gaunts is bearing down at you, gleeful at the prospect of ripping apart what they believe to be a space marine.

You take the first strike, lashing out hard with the axe. A powerful cut severs one gaunt clean in half and cuts hard into the carapace of another.

Still, you are getting swarmed here. The Space Wolf armor, though much much too large, proves tough. Claws bounce and scrape off the hard ceremite.

You swing again and again, the axe meeting little resistance it can’t easily overcome. You are thankful they at least gave you a nice weapon before sending you out here. With a thunderous boom that echoes across the valley, three drop pods slam hard into the ground a hundred or so yards from you.

With a loud hiss the doors fly open and Space Wolves jump out, roaring at the Tyranids as they prepare to save you. The Wolves waste no time and begin ruthlessly ripping into the gaunts. You notice a large figure who Harry showed to you in a picture, Logan Grimnar. “Hold on brother, we shall dispatch this foe quickly!” He calls out to you as he punches a jumping gaunt in the head, which explodes into bits of chitin and gore. Very few gaunts remain.

“ALL GLORY BELONGS TO THE PARTRIDGES! HATERS SHALL HATE!” A furious barrage of plasma fire from the sky as thirty or more Partridges fly toward you on their trails of fire and smoke. They land around you, swinging their power weapons madly and cutting down the last of the Tyranids.

Logan stops suddenly, mouth agape, eyes wide. He can’t even express his fury. “Pa-partridges?!” One of his retinue yells in disbelief.

The Partridges quickly dispatch the remaining five or so gaunts that the Space Wolves hadn’t gotten to yet. “Another day, another glorious victory for the Partridges.” Harry says as he steps over the crest of a hill.

“YOU!” Logan howls madly, clenching his fists.

“Oh! Hello brother Grimnar, I didn’t see you there. How glorious was our victory? I just missed it.” Logan Grimnar is too furious to form words, his mouth foaming and his eyes wild.

“Excellent.” Harry says with a smile. You quickly remember your lines.

“T-thanks be to the glorious Partridges, I would have surely been lost to the swarm had you not arrived.” You bow quickly to Harry.

“No matter, friend wolf, we cannot leave a fellow astartes in such peril.” He replies, taking a sip of his mug.

“I wish to relinquish myself from the Space Wolves and join you in further pursuit of such glory as only known to the Partridges.” You say, impressed you remembered.

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!?” Logan yells, grabbing a gaunt corpse and ripping it to pieces.

“We gladly accept your offer, welcome to the Galactic Partridges, brother.” Harry reaches down and places a partridge on your shoulder. “Rise now, as one of the glorious victors.”

“YOU FUCK, I’LL KILL BOTH OF YOU!!!!” Logan screams, flailing madly as several of his retinue hold him back.

---

"Oh, Hat-chan! You're just so dirty," Senna purrs, as she places you on the table. She folds her arms under her breasts and leans down, batting her lashes at you. Her eyes are memsermizing, and the curve of her smile promises so much . . . Your hatband tightens.

You are snapped out of your reverie by something cool and wet on your crown. Senda has appeared behind you with some sort of soap or lotion that she is gently rubbing into your fabric. Every droplet seems to send electricity through your fibers, but you can also feel the dust and grime coming away. "Don't worry, we'll get you clean," she says as she works her fingers in, probing and carressing. Your peak stiffens from the attention, and she starts working with a rhythtm. She traces your creases gently, then digs into your seams roughly. You relax and imagine what it would be like to feel her hair and forehead pressed against you.

Senna grabs a long-handled tool covered in bristles and gently brushes your bill free of the arena dirt. As more of your material becomes exposed, she grows more vigorous. You can feel your wide, thick bill begin to glisten as she polishes it. She stops to smile at her reflection in your gleaming visor, leaving you desperate for more. Bringing her face even closer to you, she blows slow and hot across your front. She slowly wipes the fog away, dragging her delicate fingers back and forth on your hard surface. When you shiver from this treatment, she grins and fogs you up again. As she finishes blowing, she leaves her lips together and plants a kiss.

They both stand up and smile at you. Between the fabric massage and the polishing, your mind is floating away on a warm pink cloud. You can almost see yourself soaring over a landscape made of glorious feminine coifs and ponytails.

But could it get any better? Senda gently picks you up and starts to raise you higher. Her forehead is tantalizingly close, so smooth and welcoming. Senna comes closer, running a hand through her hair. Your headband aches with anticipation.

"Better not, sister. We've already had a long day."

"Good point. Sorry, Hat-chan. Maybe you can ride around on us next time." They put you back down and skip away to snuggle under the covers with Max.

What a bunch of cap teases.

Thread 10: HE NEVER ASKED FOR THIS

Mika doesn’t even stop to take a break as she continues throughout the night. She has pulled some serious all nighters before, what for the Admech tests and whatnot, but never on something that required this level of technical craftsmanship. Generally an Admech all night consisted of baking cookies in hopes that it might wake some slumbering machine spirit. She only pauses to take in the sight of you laying there, now with a near complete mechanical arm. She wants to make this her best work ever, she WILL make this her best work ever. She wants to impress you. She wants you to like her. “Aaargghh! Skull-chan I need another servo, can you grab me one?”

“I don’t have any arms onii-chan!”

“Ah, right… Sorry.” You don’t wake up for any of it. No, you are dreaming. There is a massive iguana pestering you while you try to fix your boat, which is suffering from massive motor troubles, it is not a good day to be a fisherman. “Hey! Hey! Are we almost done? I’m getting boooorrreeedddd!!!!”

“Oh skull-chan, you need to be more patient. I haven’t integrated the plasma rifle with the fire control system yet.”

“Awwwwwwww, but we’ve been doing this for HOUUURRRSSSS!” Your eyelids feel like they weigh as much as a landraider, and it’s a struggle to slowly pry them open. You don’t know how long you’ve been out, but it doesn’t feel like much time has passed.

Mika is asleep on a stool beside your bed, leaning over onto the sheets at your side. Judging by the dark bags under her eyes, you gather she’s been at this for quite some time… You give her a gentle shake. “Hey Mika, are you all right?”

She jumps when you rouse her, looking fairly startled. “Wha-what time is it? How long have I been asleep?!”

You shrug. “How would I know? I just woke up.”

It is at that second that you notice something. You shook her gently with your left arm. “Holy shit, it works!” You exclaim, holding your new mechanical appendage in front of your eyes. “I never asked for this…”

“Huh?” Mika asks as she rubs her eyes.

“Err… Nothing…” You can tell just by looking that this is some seriously master crafted shit. Your new arm is mostly black with flourishes of gun metal. You don’t really care that much about the looks of it, what you really like is that you can still feel things with it like you did with your actual arm. “Mika, this thing is incredible!”

She blushes, biting her lip. “I-its nothing that special. I mean, I could only fit three weapons in it… I should have tried harder, I’m sorry.”

"No, don't apologize! You did a really great job with this, I'm really impressed!"

"Well... Its the best I could manage."

“Gee Mika, THREE guns? What am I packing here?” But she doesn’t get a chance to answer you, as your thoughts activate the interior weapon systems. Your hand shifts aside as the barrel of a plasma cannon sticks out and blows a chunk out of the ceiling. “Ahh! Easy Max, I still need to fine tune it while you are awake!”

You are too busy having fun to hear her. The plasma gun drops back and a flamer emerges, sending a white hot puff of fire into the air, which feels hot on your face. “T-take it easy!” She grabs your hand and pushes it down onto the bed. “But wait, where is the third gun?”

Mika bites her finger, looking away, before quickly bowing to you. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! But I could only fit in a lasgun loaded with a hotshot cartridge! I’m such a failure…”

“No! You are a damn genius is what you are. Where is the lasgun though?” She gestures quietly at your index finger. “...No fucking way…” You raise your hand like a child would when they pretend to hold a pistol.

“Bang!” The lasgun fires and the light you were aiming at explodes in a shower of sparks. While you gawk over your new arm and how awesome it indeed is, Mika quietly lays back down and falls asleep. After a while, you notice. With a smile, you lift her gently and place her down on the bed. She did a damn fine job for you, she should get some much needed rest. “Thanks for this, it means a lot to me.”

You pull up the sheets over her, give her a kiss on the forehead, and shut off the lights. Completely forgetting as you exit the room, that she has yet to fine tune your new appendage. As you leave Mika to sleep, you have only one thing on your mind.

Your beloved hat is still missing, but you don't know where to look.

You are pretty sure the Galactic Partridges still have it. You tell SLaDOS to let Mika sleep, she’s more than earned as much rest as she needs. You refuse when it asks if you want to help it with some SCIENCE, maybe later but right now you don’t have time. Lycheria is giving you a call, but you don’t have enough signal to answer. “Hey, Rex! Gimme a lift bud!”

“*ARF ARF*” Rex replies, the sound very mechanical. You hop onto the baneblade, which goes storming up the ramp and actually catches some air as it speeds outside. You can barely hold on as the massive tank whips some doughnuts, barking and growling happily the whole time. Finally it lets you off, and you feel a bit weak in the knees as you stumble away from the tank after giving him a tread scratch. “This is Max, I’m too busy being awesome to answer right now, please leave a message after the beep. BEEP!”

“Uh, err… Max it’s Lycheria. I just wanted to know if you were up for joining us for a little traitor burning is all, guess I’ll…”

“Naw I was just screwing with you, what’s up?”

“Haha, damn it Max! Weeeellll, I’m inviting you along.”

“Along for what, exactly?”

“Uhh… To burn some cultists? You know, the usual.”

“Sure, where do I meet you at?” Lycheria gives you the coordinates, and after a bit of fumbling around trying to figure out where those are exactly, you finally know where to go. You finally arrive, after commandeering an abandoned vehicle, about twenty minutes late. There are ten Soritas waiting for you, most looking a bit annoyed and tapping their feet impatiently. Lycheria seems to be the only one smiling. “Hey there Commissar, what took ya?!” She calls out to you as you park the vehicle and walk up. The word “Park” meaning you hit a ramp TOO fast and flipped it on its back, where it skidded to a halt in a shower of sparks with a terrible screeching noise. “Nice…” A black haired sister comments as you crawl out on your hands and knees.

“I uh… I meant to do that…” Before you know what is happening, Lycheria is at your side, fingering your new arm worriedly. “By the Emperor… What happened Max?” You shrug as you flex the arm. “Eh, nothing much. Lost it in an epic fisticuffs match with a Flayed One. You should see him, really gave him the ol’ what for.”

Lycheria seems to buy it, the others look increasingly skeptical. Her hand moves slowly to your head.

“Ah… Its gone…?” She looks heartbroken.

“Yeah, the fucking Partridges have it, I think.”

The sisters all seem to murmur and glance around at one another at your words. You gather that they don’t think too highly of those glory fiends.

“Yeah but don’t worry, I’ll be getting it back, somehow.” Lycheria rubs your head softly.

“I know you will. But anyways, before we go, we have a surprise for you!” One of the sisters opens the hatch to one of their rhinos and the gate falls open.

A suit of power armor greets you, and this one isn’t a pile of scraps or a terminator side project. “Isn’t… Isn’t that the Blood Ravens paint scheme?” You ask, though you are pretty sure of the answer.

“Haha yeah isn’t it great? We stole it from them after they tried to steal an artifact out from under our noses a while ago. We figured you could wear it.” As cool as it is, you are a bit unsure.

“There uh… There don’t happen to be any of them around, right?” “Oh quit worrying so much, just put it on.” The girls crowd around behind you, pushing you forward.

“Come on, put it on!”

“Put on the armor!”

“I… I really want to see him in it…”

Well, it looks like you don’t have much of a choice. You are just going to have to show these bitches how you roll. “Ladies, I don’t mean to disappoint, but I don’t think this is going to work out…”

“What? Why?”

“It’s nothing, I’ll just go in what I was wearing…” In truth, it’s because the armor was made for an astartes even larger than the Space Wolf who’s armor you had worn earlier. It is evident that you are much too small to fit. You left off the left forearm and your mechanical arm looks miniscule compared to the suit. “Can’t let you do that, Commissar.” The ramp drops before you can start removing the armor. You freeze, staring right into the faces of the ten sisters of battle. Hard girls who have seen their fair share of battle, tough faces. “Oh my gosh he is so CUTE!” They rush you, and before you know it you have a crowd of sisters bustling around you. The sisters prod, poke, and dawww as they fawn over you. “I just want to take him home and bake him a cake!”

“It… It’s perfect…”

“Why do I like it so much?”

"I hope this isn't heresy, I don't want this to be heresy..."

This keeps up for a good twenty minutes or so, and shows little sign of slowing down. Lycheria one of the main culprits. “Hey, as much as I’m really enjoying this and all, didn’t you gals have something planned?” The sisters pause and look between each other again.

“Well I guess if you really want to.”

“We can, as long as you let me feed you afterwards…”

“Err… Sure…” You answer, though really that doesn’t sound too bad.

"Well, we aren't taking the rhinos, we're going to take THAT!" The sister points, and you don't know how you missed it. A landraider.

You grab onto a rung and start climbing onto the top of the landraider, until you hear a sister protest. “Hey! What are you going up there for?!”

“I guess you could say I…” You slip on a pair of sunglasses, “Like being on top.”

“YYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Doomrider screams as he flies out of one warp hole before disappearing quickly into another.

The girls look a bit uneasy after seeing a slaanesh daemon flying around. Whatever, you know Doomrider is too much of a bro to hurt anyone he knows you like. You clamor up the rest of the massive tank, which is incredibly difficult given how badly you fit inside the armor. Finally you stand on the top and pump your fist triumphantly. “Alright ladies, let’s get this show on the road. Get me close enough to hit them with my sword!”

“But… We gave you an axe?”

“Details, now drive!”

The tank lurches to a start and quickly picks up speed. As cool as riding on top sounded, you didn’t think it would be this cool. The Emprah would be proud, you are surfing a landraider. It turns out to be much less difficult and FAR less horrifying than surfing the slaanesh pleasure wave through the warp. It might hurt if you fall, but the armor would likely save you from serious injury. Much better than being consumed by a wave of chaos pleasure energy for all eternity. In fact, you start having some fun. You stop holding on and start just riding it on your feet. The sisters are secretly discussing how awesome you are right now. They are totally oblivious to the fact you can feel their thoughts a bit. A las bolt catches you in the chest plate, jolting you out of your mind rape. “Holy shit, we have company!”

You hear the sister driving yell over the comm. Sure enough, no less than a hundred cultists are charging down a hill toward you, firing their weapons madly. They didn’t come entirely unprepared, two chaos predators in their midst, both of which are blasting away at you. “Time to show them what we’re made of!” One sister yells. The tank accelerates, and you realize they plan on ramming into the cultists.

“It’s go time, motherfuckers!” The tank crashes into the crowd of cultists, sending a wave of them flying. Well, sending a wave of PIECES of them flying. You leap off of the tank, using the momentum of the hard stop. You raise your axe above your head as you soar above the battle. “Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!”

You bring the power axe down in a hard arc, and separate a cultist right through the middle. Blood gushes and you feel a surge of power. That was pretty fucking sweet. The sound of grinding metal catches your attention, and you turn to your left. Just in time to see the barrel of a chaos predator’s main gun pointed right at your chest.

“Aww shit.”

The blast erupts, where you just were but a second ago. You managed to dodge, but the barrel is tracking you. Much to your displeasure, as the gun keeps firing, the predator’s other weapons all start to focus their attention at you. The Space Marine armor may be tough, but you know it can only take so much abuse. You are pretty much out of options. You pop open your arm and engage the plasma gun inside, its worth a shot. At least you hope so. “Oh, are you going to spray me with your plasma you dirty boy?”

“You had better take it all, bitch!”

“If you are going to shoot it all over my side armor don’t get it in my treads!”

You fire.

The plasma connects with the side of the tank! …It’s not very effective.

“Fuck FUCK FUUUCCCKKK!!!” You are doing your best to dive and roll out of the tank’s fire, but it is very difficult in armor so large. “Bolter bitches, where are you!? I’m getting fucking wailed on over here!” Bolter rounds from the tank are colliding with your back and pauldrons. You keep your head down, not wanting it to get shot off.

Lascannon fire arcs over your shoulder, connecting with the predator which retreats back to avoid another hit. “Calm down, we’re not going to let you die before we get to play with you.” Comes a calm response.

A line of five sisters comes charging toward you, flamers turning many cultists into screaming pyres and chainswords sawing through yet more of them. Lycheria leads the attack, looking quite happy as she punches a runty cultist in the face before shoving her flamer into his stomach and pulling the trigger. “Hey Max! You get in over your head?” She jeers humorously.

“If I had my hat on, my head would have been tall enough to handle it.” You join up with them and start hacking away at the cultists, who are admittedly terribly lacking opponents, even for you. Well, it seems like as good an opportunity as any to try out some of your new gadgets. “Hey girls, check this out!” You yell to the sisters, who all turn their attention to you.

It feels like a natural thing, like lifting your foot, as your hand moves aside and the barrel of the flamer extends out. You pick out a nearby cultist, and point your new toy right at him. “FLAME ON!”

The jet erupts and the cultist screams as he is engulfed in flame, slapping at himself in a vain attempt to put out the fire. His voice fades and he falls to the grass, a charred corpse. “Pretty neat eh?”

But the girls don’t say anything at first, and after you roast another traitor you turn to look at them. Several are licking their lips, the rest are biting them. Their faces are flush, eyes fixated on you. They all seem to be feeling absent mindedly at their lower armor. Maybe fire gets these girls hot?

You don’t let up with the flamer, roasting mother fuckers left and right. The girls seem to be getting more and more worked up. “By the Emperor… NATASHA FUCKING USE THAT LANDRAIDER AND END THIS ALREADY!” One of the sisters yells as she tries to shove her hand into her own codpiece.

The landraider seems to pick up the pace, guns firing as fast as they can go. The sisters on the ground stop fooling around as well, looking less glorious and more brutally efficient as they hack and burn. In perhaps ten minutes or so, the battlefield is silent. Piles of ash, severed limbs, and two burnt out tanks all that is left of the chaos force. The landraider parks in front of you, drops its gate, and you are pushed into it by the five sisters behind you, falling to your face. You flip over onto your back as the hatch closes. All ten of the sisters stand over you, breathing heavily. Standing up, you brush yourself off. “Ladies.”

You pull out a cigar that you had pilfered from the Admech bunker on your way out, which you now light with a small burst from your arm flamer. “Everyone will get a chance to…”

You don’t get time to finish as the sisters eagerly start ripping off your pieces of armor. You take a long draw from the cigar, you can see why Creed likes these so much. It takes them a little under a minute to have you down to your skivvies. “Hey now, this is hardly fair.” You protest jokingly as you poke one in the boob armor.

“Oh my, how rude of us.” Lycheria says smoothly, as she disengages her breastplate. In a few seconds, you have a whole lot of hot and sweaty cleavage staring you in the face. You reach down toward your boxers, until you feel something box-like. Withdrawing it, you are a bit puzzled to find a box of Emperor-brand condoms with a small note attached. “Tactical genius hurr.” The note reads.

Well, as creepy as the thought of Creed somehow getting those there, you are glad to have them. You aren’t ready to be daddy Commissar, but you aren’t going to slip one on until you need it. You swallow hard as you realize what you are about to attempt to pull off. Three daemonettes was difficult, there are over three times as many Soritas here and they are all very worked up. “Don’t worry, Max, we’ll be sure to take good care of you.”

Lycheria sings as she pulls off her top, revealing bouncy joy that for once in your adventures isn’t of the heretical kind. All down the line, they follow Lycheria’s example. You can feel your blood leaving your head, as you enter what could possibly be the definition of bliss. Things are about to get sexy in a completely non-heretical way. Oh yes, very sexy.

You can only muse at your incredible luck as they press in from all sides, completely surrounding you. Why can’t you hold all of these bouncy funbags? One of them, a black haired one who looks at you coyly, slips off your boxers. Ahh, time to enter heaven. Only nothing happens, and you open your eyes back up and peer down. The girls are all looking at your Inquisitor, very intently. Intently in a completely nonsexual fashion. “Those are fang marks, it looks like from a Khornette?”

Shit, she marked you! How did you not notice that!? “Oh, that little thing, hahaha.” You wave your hand as if to brush it off. “I was fighting off a ton of them a few days ago, bitches jumped out of a warp hole and started attacking me.” The sisters listen, looking pretty damn skeptically at your tale.

“I’d already killed a dozen or so, see this space wolf bolter pistol? They were there fighting with me.” You show them the gun, several of their faces turn to awe at the sight.

“Anyways, long story short, my pants had lit on fire so I had to ditch them. Two of them grabbed me and as I was struggling one went to ram me with her horns but I struck out with this bad boy and hit her right in the kisser!” You end, and tentatively watch. It seems like every sister bought it, completely.

“Wow, that was so brave!”

“A dozen? You really are strong!”

“I… I want you to attack my mouth…” By the Emprah, that fucking worked?!

“Mmm, this thing defeated a Khornette? I want it.”

With that, the black haired Sorita engulfs your Inquisitor. He bucks in pleasure at first, which surprises her, but then he calms down to enjoy the ride. The others press in, rubbing you all over with their sweaty bodies. They take turns kissing you, lightly biting your neck, and whispering likely non inquisition-approved things in your ears. They are even taking turns with your heavy bolter. The sensation is indescribable, the pleasure too much to bear as you feel the slight differences between each of them. The bustier ones like to switch up and snag you with their heavy armaments, and you slide quite easily between them with how wet you are now. Even Lycheria seems to be enjoying her turn, smiling as she works your Inquisitor up and down with her impressive Immolators.

“By the Emprah, this is so good…” You moan, as they lay you onto your back to continue.

“H-hey, you skipped me!”

“Hush up, I’m not finished with him yet.”

“…I… I haven’t gotten a chance yet…”

They argue and vie for a position, but you don’t care, they aren’t ignoring you in the slightest. “Uh, I hate to break you guys up, but I think it might be time to let this gun fly.”

They line up on their knees, shoulder to shoulder as close as the ten of them can get. Their mouths are open, tongues sticking out ready to catch your plasma. All of them looking like they are enjoying this a whole lot. Fuck, this is going to have to be one impressive maneuver… You take aim at the one on the far left as you plant your feet. “Haaaaaaaaahhhh!”

You fire off your plasma cannon, and at the same time spin quickly to your right. A jet of plasma streaks out, arcing insanely as it soars forth. It's…

A direct hit! You manage to catch several in the mouth, and they smile as they swallow. The others recoil slightly as it hits them in the face, though they giggle despite several having to hold their eye(s) shut. You collapse backwards, taking a seat on the cold metal bench. “Wow, that shouldn’t even have been possible with my mediocre ballistic skill.”

Giggling, one of the sisters turns to another and grabs her head. She licks off the girl’s eye of your plasma. “Haha, thanks!” She says, opening her eye back up. Lycheria laughs as she wipes her mouth, licking her fingers afterwards. She sits down to your right and squishes your arm between her breasts. “Impressive shooting, for a guardsman.”

Another sister coos as she sits at your left. Another makes a cute face, which is covered in your non-heresy juice as she hands you a bottle of ‘nidade. You chug it down in a matter of seconds. “Don’t think you’re done with your duty yet, Commissar. We haven’t even started driving to base yet.” A blonde haired Sorita says as she stares you in the eyes and runs a finger under your chin. Oh shit, they are right! The landraider hasn’t even left the scene of the battle yet!

Thread 10.5: THE PLIGHT OF HAT-CHAN

Your world was plunged into fear and darkness. You could do nothing as you watched Max being flayed as he ran by the horrible Necron chasing him. You couldn’t even cry out as you watched with horror as his arm was severed. You could only sit as the Apothecaries tended to him, barely clinging to life. You did your best to give him the only thing you could.

Hope.

For a hat can show neither fear nor sadness. The Partridges, concerned only for glories imagined, abandoned you inside this tomb, as they carried Max away. You haven't seen him in what feels like forever now, no way to keep track of time. Has it been hours? Days? Years?! It’s so cold down here, barely enough light to reflect off of your dirty metal. What you wouldn’t give to have another cleaning by those cute Dark Eldar girls. Though thinking of such things does little to curb your heartache at being separated from your best friend.

You know the other Necron has been watching you, but she’s scared to approach you. That’s fine by you, for all you know, Necrons eat hats. Hope is all you could give Max, and so it shall be that hope is what will carry you back to him. Though you admit, it wouldn’t hurt to have a friend… Wait, what was that? Just now? Footsteps? Could it be?

Yes, you feel joyous as the heavy footfalls draw closer and closer. It sounds like there are several pairs of feet walking. You do your best to primp up your fibers, deepen your colors, shine your metal. Its Max, it has to be! A cold, hard hand lifts you from the ground, another joins it and they slowly turn around. Your heart falls as you see the face before you, barely illuminated in the dim light. “Well well well… I may have missed the man, but destroying you may prove enough a snack to carry me over until the day I kill that Commissar.”

Abbadon sneers at you as one of his men hold you up to him. Fury surging through you, you bristle as hard as you can. If this is your end, you will see it through as Max would. Head held high with you upon it.

“The flamer, you dogs, the flamer!” Abaddon grins maliciously as another of his followers steps forward, brandishing a flamer as he too laughs at your coming demise. “You have no idea how I will enjoy this so you little bastard.” Abbadon continues.

His follower raises the flamer, and you can feel heat surging through your fabric as a puff of flame comes far too close to you. This is your final moment, and you shall go out with as much courage as you impart to your dear friend. The chaos marine with the flamer cackles as he pushes the flamer forward. This time, it won’t fall short.

You will die as you lived, without any regrets.

“Not so fast, I’ve come for the hat, and I. Will. Have it.”

“YOU?!” Abbadon spits furiously. “YOU!?!?! Khorne’s daughter?! Get out of here wench, this is no place for little girls!”

Kaleshi grins, her eyes alight with an evil fire. “As I said before, you failure of a “warmaster”, I’ve come for the hat. And the Queen of the Khornettes doesn’t take no for an answer.” She licks her chainaxe before starting it up. “You mad my daddy wouldn’t give me over to you? He doesn’t provide gifts to failures, which is why he wants me to have that delicious Commissar in his name.”

Abbadon laughs coldly. “As much as I want to ravage that body of yours, whore, I’ll enjoy watching your entrails being ripped out just as well.”

Kaleshi glares, fire igniting at her feet. “Whore? Max has been my only conquest, and will be my only conquest. I’ll not have you wrecking my husbando’s favorite thing!” She smirks, running up her own armor, than biting her second digit. “I’m going to like doing this!” She cries, suddenly charging forward.

The chaos marines turn to fire at her, but they are all far too slow. You watch as the tremendous dance of blood and axe begins. The khornette whirls and swings, the axe roaring as it arcs gracefully, almost effortlessly. Blood and chunks of armor and flesh spew out of its teeth as it digs in again and again. She’s laughing now, her face one of pure bliss. Though perhaps not as happy as when she was with Max in the warp. The marines begin to falter as they watch their numbers quickly dwindling. Despite their fear, they fire everything they’ve got. Though it must not be nearly enough. The Khornette dodges and spins, her armor easily deflecting anything that manages to land. She swings down hard right into the skull of one of the marines. Brain matter erupts and is shot around the small tunnel by the whizzing axe blade. The Khornette is covered in blood and gore now, which you gather she enjoys. A lot. “Ahahahaha! I love this! I love it so much!” She cackles as she severs another marine in two right at the waist.

Abbadon is backing up now, and his follower has dropped you to raise his bolter rifle. The few remaining marines fire feebly, none of it having an inkling of effect on the blood crazed daughter of a god. There are only three of Abbadon’s cronies left now, one of whom slides, covering you in dirt which sticks to the blood and gore which has sprayed over you. She could get you as dirty as she wants, you know she’s going to reunite you with Max. She wings the axe at the back of one of the marines who turns to flee. It catches him right between the shoulder blades, burying itself deeper and deeper until it emerges from his front. He grabs at it in disbelief for a moment before falling dead. The Khornette’s fist bursts into flame which jets outward, engulfing another marine. He screams a terrible scream of pain, falling to the ground in a desperate attempt to put out the fire. It boils him alive inside his own armor. The last remaining marine grabs out his own power sword, and leaps forward in an impressive downward swing. You bristle, there’s no way she can avoid that!

At the last second, Kaleshi catches the blade with her own gauntleted fist. She wrenches it out of the marine’s hand and spins it around before plunging it into its owners eye. The smoke has cleared, the blood has settled, and the Khornette now stands facing Abbadon, who now faces her alone. “Y-you…!” His mouth continues to move, but emits no sound.

“Yes, me.” The Khornette smiles, bending down to retrieve her axe. It gives you a nice view of her head. Despite her hair being covered in blood and guarded by two horns, you have to admit, somewhere deep down inside… You kind of want to feel what it’s like to sit there. “Now then, how shall I punish you, “warmaster”.” She mocks him with every word, clearly reveling in his burning hatred.

“Your father… All of the chaos gods will hear of this!” Abbadon shouts, backing up even as he does. Without his arms, he is more or less defenseless.

“Oh? Tell them then. TELL THEM NOW!” She swings the axe and it nicks Abbadon’s face, leaving a small cut right under the one Max made, which looks like it will scar. “Tell them, little despoiler, you the mighty warmaster of the black crusades! Tell them how you have failed this day to even torch the hat of your new nemesis! Tell them how your own personal guard were cut down by but a single daemon!” She kicks him in the chest, and Abbadon falls backwards, unable to balance.

“They will cast you out! Siding with a dirty servant of their enemy the false emperor!” Abbadon yells, kicking madly as she approaches him.

“Will they now? Nurgle who is making him a special gift? Will he turn against me? Or Slaanesh, who would give anything to make Max it’s greatest champion? Perhaps Tzeentch, she doesn’t like him very much, but she likes the Emperor who likes him. Maybe my own daddy, the great Khorne, who cares for me above any other? Well Abbadon, which one will cast me aside?!”

She swings her axe down, and you jump a little at the impact. Abbadon opens his eyes back up slowly, he had expected death. Instead, Kaleshi bends down and retrieves something, which she grins and holds up. “How pathetic.” She muses happily, standing over him. “Now. Beg me for your life!” She spits in Abbadon’s face.

He glares back up at her. “Never.” He hisses through gritted teeth.

Kaleshi smiles before looking around, her eyes settling on something. She retrives it quickly, and returns to standing over Abbadon. You can see now what she’s holding, Max’s severed arm.

“Plead for me to spare you!” She brings the severed limb down and strikes the warmaster across the face with it. “BEG ME! CRY, SNIVEL, PLEAD! I. WANT. TO. HEAR. YOU. SAY. IT!!!” With every pause she strikes him with the forearm.

Her swings must be stronger than they look, you notice Abbadon’s head is now bruised and bleeding. “I…I….. Spare my life!” Abbadon relents, tears in the corner of his eyes.

Kaleshi’s face is a contorted malicious grin. You would be absolutely terrified if she looked at you like that. “Very good, I’ll reward you.”

She forms Max’s severed hand into a fist and grabs Abbadon’s jaw, wrenching it open. With one swift movement she plunges the arm down right into Abbadon’s mouth. She doesn’t stop until it’s wedged in his throat.

“Oh good, you can still breathe? Tell me next time we meet what your followers say when they have to remove that.” She pats Abbadon on the head before poking him roughly in the eyes. Clutched in her hand, Abbadon’s top knot.

Finally settled with Abbadon, her gaze turns to you. You perk up, a bit worried at what she might do. But her eyes are soft and she’s wearing a genuine and loving smile. Her armor ignites into flame, before vanishing into smoke, leaving her wearing a basic black set of sweat pants and sports bra. She bends down to retrieve you, and you can’t help but notice the bit of cleavage.

Soft and delicate fingers wrap around your brim, which is covered in a grizzly mess from the fight. She brushes you off as best she can, before giggling. “I may have gone a little overboard, sorry for getting you so dirty.” Her fingers trace your bill lovingly as she does her best to clean you off.

“Ah, it’s no good. We’re going to have to get you clean before we can get you back to Max.” She raises you higher. Is she really going to do it? Can it be? Yes! She places you on her head, nestling you between her horns. The feeling is very different, and you know the other hats would gawk at your heresy, but wow are you enjoying this. Its way different than any other head, and your previous dispositions about the horns are quickly erased. They feel cool and hard against you, but it actually is surprisingly nice and feels cozy. Despite the fact both of you are covered in obscene amounts of gore, you are glad she put you on. She walks out of the cave with you perched atop her white hair, which is quite slick with blood, brains, and the like. “GET WHAT YOU CAME FOR?!” Doomrider shouts from his bike, tossing aside a handful of syringes.

She nods, showing you off triumphantly. “LOOKS GOOD!” He gives her a thumbs up even as his other hand reaches into his satchel. “Thanks!” She smiles.

“But it will look better on Max… I hope he’s alright…” The Khornette suddenly looks worried, and as much as you try to console her, it’s a sentiment you share with her. You don’t know what you would do if you lost your best bro. “ANYWAYS, WHERE WE HEADING?!”

“Well, I can’t give Max his hat back all covered in blood and goo. So let’s head back to the warp, I’ll give him a good cleaning! As unnerved as you are at the prospect of returning to the warp, you find that you really do want a good cleaning. Yeah, you really want some hot khornette scrubbing action. She takes a seat in the sidecar of Doomrider’s bike, and waves her axe around in a circle. “Blood for the blood god!” Kaleshi yells.

“JUST DRUGS FOR ME THANKS!” Doomrider shouts before gunning the engine. A warp hole opens up in front of the bike, and you aren’t sure what you are feeling in your creases as the bike lurches forwards and picks up speed.

Oh well, like it or not, you are headed to the warp.

Thread 11: PLAYA IN A LANDRAIDA

The landraider makes for quite a bumpy ride as it rumbles along the rocky terrain. Though admittedly this is not what’s on your mind. You are, after all, sitting inside with almost a dozen of some of the most deadly zealots in the universe.

And they are pampering you.

When the sisters find out that you’ve been pretty hungry for a while, they bust out a plethora of food. The table fare ranges from local stuff they’ve picked up, smoked fish and whatnot, to some of their own rations. You are a bit annoyed at how much better their rations are then what the guard supplied you. While you were chewing on protein pucks they were indulging in preserved fruit and vegetables. Not that you are going to voice your complaints.

After about half an hour of riding, and stuffing your face perhaps more than you ever have, the tank finally sighs to a stop.

The sister’s have claimed some administratum building as their base, or so you surmise. The area outside of the place is littered in papers and various office supplies. Whoever left here, they did so in a rush. Inside the building is heavily fortified, two automated heavy bolter turrets guarding the front door alone, and several bored looking soritas cleaning their weapons.

Everything seems to be going, as much as it surprises you, fairly smooth. This only puts you on edge, life on Yagis V has not been easy on you, and you don’t trust that to change.

Your rampant paranoia is acknowledged, when a more mature and particularly fierce looking sister steps into your path.

“And pray tell, what are you girls doing with HIM?” She points at you, and the sisters look sheepish under her fiery gaze.

“Oh, it’s no problem, sister…” You gesture with a thumb toward a few of the Soritas behind you, who are carrying the armor they stripped off of you.

“As you can see, I’m with the Blood Ravens.” The canoness raises a skeptical eyebrow.

“You? With the Blood Ravens? Surely you jest…” You do your best to act natural under a gaze which could probably out melt a melta.

“I’m from a different world, and they claimed me as a relic. Something about a link to their chapters past or something, I’ve been trying to find out ever since. These sisters are simply going to help me with a bit of maintenance, as I don’t possess the required materials at the moment.”

She smiles at your words, like a cat at a mouse. “Do tell then, what exactly have you been doing with your… Brothers?”

“Steal artifacts, mostly, kind of our shindig.” You reply with shrug. A drawn out moment of very uncomfortable silence passes, you are trying not to sweat as you wait.

The canoness finally nods, and turns to go back to her business. “Sounds about right.” She murmurs before heading off.

Holy shit, you didn’t really think that would work. Your heart is drumming in your ears, you don’t know what would have happened to you had she found out you were lying. You are fairly sure, however, that you are glad not to know.

The sisters break out into giddy but muffled laughter as they smuggle you deeper and deeper into the structure. They seem to be happy to not have been discovered as well. Finally they push through two heavy wooden doors and you follow them into their makeshift bunk.

There is one thing you notice right off the bat.

They have beds. Not those terrible canvas-on-sticks “cots” that you were supplied with, generally less preferable than the ground they sat on.

Real, clean, plush beds. “I can’t hold it in any longer, you are so damn lucky and I’m jealous as all hell…”

The sisters giggle furiously as they close the door and bolt it behind them. It seems they either didn’t hear you, or don’t really care to respond. “I can’t believe that worked!”

“I know! I thought she was going to roast him alive!”

“…We would have gotten punished as well…”

Well, good to know they were so confident...

Smiling, giddy, and beautiful faces lead you hand-in-hand through the room. As cranky as you are at the obvious preferential treatment, you can’t really be mad at the moment.

You follow them as they lead you right into…

A large multi-head shower. “Why the fuck is there a shower in an office building?”

The girls ignore you as they start stripping down and washing off. Your own body and most of your brain starts ignoring that part of you as well.

Not wanting to reek of sweat and battle, you start cleaning yourself up a bit as well. The hot water is amazing, and you recall you haven’t had many opportunities to clean yourself up since the turn of events that followed the annihilation of the guard here. You even take the opportunity to get a nice close shave with a razor supplied by a chesty sorita.

Several others get jealous of her as she applies the shaving gel for you. They close in and before you know it, you are being attacked from all sides as they each try to fix you up in some way. It isn’t efficient, but you certainly aren’t about to stop them. After you finally can’t take any more of the heat, you walk back into the other room as you towel off.

It appears that the girls who left the shower before you have been busy. They’ve arranged the beds together to form one giant one. It’s like they did the impossible and somehow combined them.

You collapse face first into the pile of starched white sheets and fluffy pillows. After everything you’ve been through, it feels like heresy to be this comfortable.

So comfortable, in fact, that you start falling asleep. Or would, if there weren’t ten dripping wet soritas wrapped in nothing but short towels standing around you. “No rest for the wicked, eh?”

The girls laugh. “Not until we’re through with you.”

They jump you before you can react, and you find your limbs being held down, each sat on by a sister. Well, it would seem soritas prefer to shave, might be more comfortable in their armor.

Your musings are confirmed as Lycheria jumps up and straddles you. “I hope your body is ready.” She coos.

“I’m not going to lie, so do I.” She gently maneuvers your Inquisitor into position, and he stretches in preparation for his exercise.

You have to admit, watching that cute silver haired sorita riding you. You could easily get used to this.

And it appears you are going to have to, as nine others wait for their respective turns. One by one, they take the bull by the horns and finish themselves off. By number 7, you are really having a hard time holding on.

The ones who have taken their turn already lay down near you, with satisfied sighs.

Finally, the last one bucks her hips and trembles as she collapses on top of you. Leaving you with a fully primed melta gun and no one to man it.

“Uhh…” Lycheria looks up from her position snuggling your right side.

“Oh, how rude of me.” She leaps back on top of you, and before you can reach for your protection, she snatches you up with her mega milks.

Lycheria grins as she watches you squirm, grinding you between her Emperor’s gifts. It may not be heretical, but damn does it feel good. It doesn’t take more than a minute for her to finish you off, and when it finally happens you feel as though all your energy is completely expended.

You fall asleep before she can even quip wittily about you making a mess. When you finally come out of your hibernation, you notice you are the only one in the room.

A hastily scrawled note informs you that they had to leave early for some important mission, though it doesn’t say what. Meh, you’ll sleep another hour or so while you think of what to do next. Wait… What’s this package on your chest…?

You rip open the brown paper, and gawk openly at what you see. “HAT-CHAN!” You grab him and hold him up to the light.

He sparkles back at you, once again quite cleaned up. “Dude I thought I’d lost you forever! I was going to rip this planet asunder in my search for you!”

“Yeah well, it ain’t easy being a hat while pimping this hard.”

You unfold and read a small red stationary. “Dear Max, thought you might like this back. Get me something nice, you owe me <3. – Kaleshi”

You quickly get dressed, and in a last final motion, place your beloved hat back upon your head. You feel instantly complete. “Oh yeah, now I’m ready.”

You are going to need a chance to pick up something really nice for Kaleshi, you owe her more than some sloppy thrown together gift. As such, you decide against giving her a ring right off the bat. You don’t have to instantly barrage her with thanks, you have a feeling she already knows.

You are a bit on edge as you start to sneak out of the building. It would be a lot to explain if the canoness caught you now with a commissar hat. You would probably be explaining it to a flamer.

You would probably be on fire…

Quickly, however, you discover your ninja skills are quite unnecessary. You seem to be the only one here. Whatever called out all the Soritas must have been fairly important, you make a mental note to ask Lycheria about it next time you talk to her.

It’s probably time to let Mika get freaky on your arm again, you know she wasn’t quite finished when you left. You are quite glad you remember how to get there, your arm has started having some errors. As in, every few hours or so at random, it attempts to strangle you and you almost feel like cutting off the hand and attaching a chainsword to it. But it’s probably a better plan to just let Mika fix it.

So you set off to procure a vehicle to ferry you to the bunker. You don’t think the sisters won’t mind, you just have to return it like you found it. Surely that’s possible…

As tempting as some of the other options are, you feel the bike is probably your best bet. You have driven one before after all, it’s completely inconceivable that you will somehow wreck this one.

You hop on the large, intimidating bike. The first thing you notice is the two bolter rifles sticking out of the front. That is pretty cool, and you have to really restrain yourself from testing them out.

The bike starts easily, and chortles happily as you get settled in. Hmm, what’s this?

An engraved plate reading “Canoness” on the fuel tank? Ah, well, what could go wrong?

You rev up the engine, and squeal the tires a bit as you tear out across the pavement. The wind feels good in your face, and you find yourself having a bit of fun. You might just have to pick yourself up a bike. If you ever make it off this planet alive, anyway.

The bike rumbles harder as you turn your wrist, pushing the speedometer as high as you can get it to go. Unable to help yourself any longer, you slow down and take aim at an abandoned civilian transport.

With a squeeze of a trigger, the bolter rifles open up. The hail of fire tears into the vehicle, ripping off a door and punching holes larger than your fist through its thin metal. Finally a bolter round catches the fuel tank and the whole thing ignites in a fireball, blowing the glass outward. That was pretty satisfying…

You whip your head suddenly to your left, something having caught your eye. Through the alleyways separating buildings, you think you make out a glimpse of fire.

Your suspicions are confirmed as Doomrider catches some sort of ramp and flies overtop the low buildings, before crashing down on the opposite side of you. “SUP!”

“Hey! What’s going on man?” You shout back.

He faceplants a bowl of cocaine before pulling his head back out and shaking it off.

“EH, YOU KNOW, THE USUAL! GAVE YOUR KHORNE GIRL A RIDE TO GRAB YOUR HAT TOO!”

“Hey, thanks for that man! I owe you one!”

Doomrider laughs heartily.

“YOU CAN REPAY ME BY DOING SOME BEAR LEAVES WITH ME SOMETIME!”

This might be a good opportunity to get some info. “Will do! In the meantime, do you know anything I can get her as a thanks!?”

Doomrider scratches his chin inquisitively while at the same time tossing back a bottle of some black liquid that you don’t think you would try.

“WELL…” He finally says. “SHE DOES LIKE BLOODBOWL!”

You think that over for a few seconds. It’s not surprising, but you don’t know how you would take her to a bloodbowl game, you doubt there are any here. “IF YOU CAN BEAT ME, I’LL EVEN GIVE YOU TICKETS! FIRST ONE ACROSS THAT BRIDGE IN THE DISTANCE!”

Doomrider’s cackling voice shatters your thinking. Can you beat Doomrider in a race?

“I’m not going to take it easy on you!” You grin and shout at him. Doomrider revs his engine in response.

You grip your own controls hard, and get your mind ready. You don’t know the top speed of this thing, but you know his bike is really fast. Beating him on speed alone might not work, you may have to get tricky. The two of you thunder down the road, picking up more and more speed as you go. You notice his bike definitely has an edge as far as speed is concerned, not that yours is by any means a slouch.

Your hand is twisting the handle as hard as you can manage, holding the throttle all the way open. This is the fastest you’ve ever gone on land, you are fairly certain of that. A river looms ahead of you, and it looks like you have several options to get across.

It’s a split second decision, but you point your front tire right at the arm of a crane. It’s a bit of a drop onto it, but if you can get enough speed, you should be able to fly to the far side of the river. You give it everything you’ve got, pressing the bike as hard as it can go, trying to coax out all of its speed.

The road drops out and you fall for a few moments, the engine revving madly against no resistance. The tires crash down onto the arm of the crane, and squeak as they catch traction. It’s too late to turn back now, you gun it. Despite the steep angle, the bike quickly regains lost speed and tears up the crane arm. You hold on for dear life.

You realize, only too late, that this is going to be a really, really hard landing. The bike roars furiously as it soars into the bright sky. You have to squint against the sun in your eyes, you can’t do this blind, that’s for sure.

You pick out a mound of dirt on the far side of the river, that seems like the best place to aim for. Though the ride seems agonizingly long…

Doomrider is beneath you now, having decided to jump to the barge. He had to turn around to line up his second jump though, meaning you are slightly ahead!

Your stomach plummets as the bike begins its decent. You try to angle yourself right, the only thing you have to go on is those clips of astartes on bikes jumping titans. You hope your calculations are right. Clenching your teeth hard, you brace for impact.

The bike lands hard, but you managed to catch the back side of the dirt. Surprisingly, you lost very little speed on the landing. Maybe too little.

You have to pull the handles hard to avoid hitting a light post, but you’ve made it across.

Turning the bike, you skid to a halt.

A few seconds later, a laughing Doomrider does as well.

“YOU RIDE THAT LIKE A NATURAL, KID!” He slaps you on the back, his flaming skull a giant grin.

“I got lucky, you’ll get me next time.” You laugh as you feel your heart finally slowing down.

“AS PROMISED! I’VE GOT TO RUN NOW THOUGH, SLAANESH THINKS HE CAN BEAT ME IN AN ORGY COMPETITION!”

Doomrider hands over an envelope, bro fists you, and wheelies his bike into a fresh warp hole.

You sigh in relief, very glad he didn't invite you along, you aren't sure what a slaanesh orgy competition involves, and you might be better of not knowing. For now, at least. Curious, you open up the white envelope. Being sure to avoid touching the slime green glob throbbing on one side of it, whatever that is, you don’t really care to know.

Inside, two tickets. “Dastardly Daemons Vs. Da Stompiest”

Worth it, though you groan as you feel the pain pulsing in your groin. Well, you are getting fairly close to the Admech stronghold, you shouldn’t stick around here long. The thought occurs to pick something nice up for Mika too.

Well, the Voxshack is closest, and it sounds like some place she might enjoy shopping at. The door is locked, but seeing no one around, you don’t think anyone will care if you break in.

You pick up a nearby bench and chuck it through the shop window. “Ah! You're breaking my glass?!”

you use your metal arm to create a hole large enough for you to slip into. “N-no! There’s no way you can fit! Ahhhh!!!”

Though it’s still a tight squeeze, you manage to pull yourself inside of the dark store. “Hah! Yo-your inside me?!”

You start to browse around, snatching up a couple bags. You aren’t really sure what she would want, so you simply start pulling things off shelves at random. 6 pack of promethium cell batteries, sure why not. Servo cleaning kit, void-dragon brand diodes, AOL version 7654 disk, servo skull hat, baneblade treats…

When you finally have several bags full, you figure it’s enough. It takes you a few minutes to get it all to fit inside the saddlebags. You don’t want to leave the canoness’s stuff behind. Digging around to make room, you find a clean pair of her underwear. White with a pink bow, she might not be so evil after all. Though you probably shouldn’t bring that up…

You hop back on the bike, now laden with gifts, and set out toward the stronghold. It’s still a bit of a ride, so you enjoy yourself by taking potshots at random objects with the two front mounted bolters.

You hear the mechanical bark of the baneblade “Rex” as he rushes out to greet you. What a weird tank he is, but at least he’s friendly. You admit you wouldn’t want to tango with his bristling weaponry.

Reaching into the saddlebag, you grab out a treat and chuck it to him. You aren't exactly sure what the treats are, but it said "NOW WITH 55% MORE OIL!!!!!" on the side, so you assumed they were good.

Rex runs the treat over, his antenna wagging happily. You reach out and scratch his side armor, his antenna increases speed. Well, whatever. You drive the bike down the ramp and into the large open space, slowing to a stop and resting the bike on its kick stand. You climb off the bike and fix your clothes up a bit, not wanting to look too windblown.

SLaDOS lowers itself from the ceiling slightly to meet you. “~Welcome back, if you are looking for Mika, she is helping me with something at the moment and is quite unreachable.~”

You look up at the robotic eye skeptically. “Helping you with what, exactly?”

“~…Science…~” The robot chimes back after contemplating your question.

Well, you decide to wait. It’s not like you have much going on. SLaDOS offers you coffee, which you decline.

It than asks if you want an orange jump suit, which you also decline. Instead, you lay down on a bench and reach around to grab a magazine out of a box.

“Admechgirl! Inside: The dirtiest servitors you can even imagine! Servos vs Gears, hear the professional opinions! Is that a basilisk barrel in your pants or are you just happy to see me? Find out the REAL low-down on increasing your size! Featuring: Nikki “six arms”, read her tips on a proper claw job!”

You flip through the pages, becoming less and less interested as you do. This magazine isn’t nearly as cool as you though it would be…

Meanwhile

“Aww sweet!” Frederick hisses as he sees the latest Admechgirl. He looks around, making sure no one is looking, before opening it up.

“Oh omnissiah, those parts…” His eyes are glued to the magazine.

He sticks it inside his robes, as interested as he is, he's way more excited/terrified at his movie date with Helena, which its almost time After several bored minutes of reading, you look back up at SLaDOS, which hasn’t taken its eye off of you.

---

“Hey, can’t I just go find Mika?”

The robot’s eye whizzes softly as it zooms in at you. You realize now how creepy this thing is. Though judging by what you just read, it’s probably ridiculously sexy to a tech-priest. You try to get into the mindset, but brushed metal and slightly exposed wires just don’t do it for you.

“~Well, Commissar, if you are that impatient…~” A mechanical arm reaches out, clutching a white orb-looking gun. At least you think it’s a gun. “Is this uhh… The only way to find her?”

“~Indeed so!~” SLaDOS responds cheerfully.

“Well… I guess I’ll give it a try…” You reach out wearily and take the gun, which is surprisingly heavier than it feels.

“~Well then Commissar, let’s begin the SCIENCE!~”

“Wait, I thought I was going to find M…” A trap door opens from beneath you, and you plummet downward before you can finish your sentence.

Faster and faster you slide, for what feels like a very long time until the passage starts leveling out. You slide out of a wall and fall hard onto your ass on a cold tile floor. The passage behind you seals itself shut.

Looking out, you see a high glass wall in front of you, which stops about ten feet below the high ceiling. Through the glass you can see a large pad close to the glass wall.

“~Now then~” You hear the voice of SLaDOS chime. “~Let’s get started!~” She sings cheerfully.

You don’t know if you like where this is going… It doesn’t appear that you have much of a choice, you finger the white gun nervously.

Holding it as far away from your face as you can, and turning your head, you depress the trigger. A small noise and no explosion, thank the Emprah.

You slowly turn to see what it did, and you notice a large orange rimmed black void on the wall in front of you.

“…SLaDOS, have I ever told you how sexy I think you are? Those wires and that multi-zoom lens? That seriously gets me hot.”

“~Oh Commissar, you are amusing. Perhaps you require some… Motivation?~”

A door hisses open to your left, and a white orb like thing turns toward you with its red eye. “Beep boop, purge the heretic.” It chimes happily, before panels open and you see two gun barrels sticking at you.

You barely manage to jump out of the way as the autocannon fire rips past where you just stood. Holy shit.

This isn’t a motherfucking game.

“Yeah, no, this isn’t fun.” You switch out your plasma cannon and shoot the turret.

“I’ve always loved you…” It says before exploding. You whip out your communicator and dial Mika’s number.

Fuck, she didn’t answer. After you wait a few seconds, you dial it again.

“Hey, sorry!” You hear Mika exclaim as she answers.

“Oh thank the Emprah…” You sigh in relief.

“…M-max? What’s up?” She asks, surprised at you giving her a call. Its the first time a boy has called her, after all.

“Mika, listen to me very carefully. SLaDOS has dropped me through some kind of trap door and I don’t know where I’m at.” You talk slowly, making sure she hears everything.

After stumbling through a particularly large and pitch dark section, you manage to trip and fall face first through a doorway. “Ah!!!” Mika yells in surprise, leaping back to avoid you. You pick yourself up and dust off your clothes a bit. The tech priestess is facing you, but looking around as if she doesn’t know what to say.

“Well, that was weird.” You finally comment. You can see a bit of relief on Mika’s face, since you were the one to break the silence instead of her having to.

“Y-yes, SLaDOS is acting very strangely…” She fidgets with the sleeve of her robe.

“Yeah, strange in a homicidal mad heretek way.”

Mika giggles quietly. “I don’t think she meant it, like I said, I think she’s just bored.”

You grab her hand suddenly, and give it a squeeze with a smile. “Come on, I brought you some stuff.”

Mika starts walking after you, but her cheeks are completely red and she doesn’t look like she knows what to do. “You have really soft hands…” You comment as the two of you walk, you rub her hand with a finger, causing her to shiver slightly.

“T-t-they aren’t great, they aren’t even mechanical…” She trails off, looking away.

You raise her hand to your own face, looking it over. Mika has really soft skin, a bit pale, but really its pretty much perfect. “I don’t know why you would want to replace these, I think they are perfect as is.” You press your lips against her hand, giving it a soft kiss. “W-wha!!!”

Mika jolts in surprise, her face turning back to you, beet red and eyes spinning. “Well… Give me a second here…” You hear her set down the device and start typing.

A door to your right hisses open. “That’s a secondary access tunnel, follow that and I’ll find you. As for SLaDOS, she’s just bored… I think…”

You take Mika’s advice and walk as quickly as you can through the tunnel. There are several more automated turrets, and though they seem inactive, you blast them with your finger lasgun to make sure they don’t shoot you in the back.

You grin as you give it another smooch. “Ahh!” She pulls away and hides inside her hood.

“Aww come on, don’t be like that…” You put your hands on her shoulders.

“You are really cute, you know.” You pull her hood off, revealing her very embarrassed face and currently untidy hair which is pulled into a hasty ponytail.

“I-I’m not… I’m not cute…” She tries to put her hood back up, but you take both of her hands in your own.

“I’ll be the judge of that. Now come on, I want you to see what I got you!” You start pulling her along lightly, but you notice she’s lagging a bit.

“Something wrong?” You stop and ask.

“It’s n-nothing… I’ve just been on my feet all day…” She says quietly, toying with a strand of her hair with one of her mechanical arms.

“Oh, I can help with that!”

In one swift movement you crouch down, grab her by the thighs, and lift her onto your back.

Mika lets out a startled cry as you stand up, and she wraps her arms around you tightly. All four of them. “W-ww-what are you d-d-doing?!?!” She stammers.

“Relax, I’m not going to let you fall.” You assure her. Mika’s face is pressed against your back.

“I-isn’t this hard on you? You should let me down so you don’t strain yourself…”

“I used to do this for my little sister if she was tired out, so It’s no problem.” You turn your neck and smile at her.

“…Y-you have a lit-little sister?” She asks, and it feels like she relaxes a bit.

“Yeah, a little brat of one. She likes getting me into trouble, but she’s actually pretty nice to me.” You talk about Helena a bit as you continue to carry her back to the main room. Finally, after several winding hallways, you’ve arrived. “~Commissar, so good to see you again!~” SLaDOS sings.

“Please don’t do that again…” You groan back. You set Mika down lightly on a bench, and despite looking very nervous she doesn’t scoot away after you grab the gifts and sit next to her. “Here!” You smile as you set a bag in her lap.

She stays frozen for several seconds, before nervously looking to you. “F-for me? Are… Are you sure…?”

“Come on, I want you to have them, open them up!” You smile reassuringly as you take her hand and lower it down to the bag.

Slowly and quietly she reaches in and pulls something out. “A…Admechgirl…?”

FUCK, how did that get in there? “Haha, must have grabbed it along with that copy of Gearskull…” You pluck the magazine out of her hands and toss it aside.

She doesn’t look angry though. Instead, Mika is looking at you out of the top of her eyes, her face angled toward the floor. You can barely see her pupils underneath her hair, but you can tell she’s wearing a faint smile.

“…Anyways, grab out something else.” She obliges and pulls out the pack of diodes.

“Ahhh~” She stares at them, open mouthed.

“Err… Do you like them…?” She doesn’t look like she knows what to say.

“I mean, it’s cool if you don’t… Plenty o’ other stuff in there…”

But you stop when you realize she’s grabbed your hand, and you notice her eyes look a little watery. “Are they a bad thing to gift a tech-priestess? I’m sorry if I’ve offended you or something.”

Mika shakes her head slightly. “I-I’m not mad. It-it’s just that…”

Her lip is quivering a bit and she’s trembling again. “N-no one’s ever given me diodes before… I… I don’t know what to s-say…”

Out of nowhere she erupts into sobs. “Whoa! Hey there, no need to cry!” You put an arm around her shoulders to comfort her and she hides her face in her sleeves.

“Sorry, I must have screwed up.” Mika shakes her head more violently this time. “I-it-its not that… I like them… I-I really like them…”

She lowers her sleeves, and despite the tears she’s wearing the biggest smile you’ve ever seen on her. “It’s the nicest… The nicest thing anyone’s ever given me…”

“B-but… I don’t have anything for you…” Her smile fades a bit. You laugh, lowering your arm to her back and giving her side a little squeeze.

“Spending some time with me is way better than me giving you some little gifts. And the mechanical arm is pretty awesome.” She gasps and then beams.

“The arm! I almost forgot, I need to finalize it!” You don’t protest as she grabs your arm and pulls you to her feet. She looks so happy she’s practically glowing.

She giggles and informs you of some of the technical aspects as she walks you to the workshop. You don’t understand any of it, but you nod and smile. You just like hearing her voice. Mika pushes open the doors, leading you back into the little shop she’s set up for herself. Rows of assorted gears, strands of wire, a metric fuck-ton (actual imperial standard measurement) of tools.

“Um… You’ll need to take your shirt off…” She bites her finger and looks away, embarrassed. You comply, pulling it off and setting it aside.

She reaches out slowly, her delicate fingers drawing nearer and nearer, finally placing themselves on your chest. She pulls back slightly at the touch, and looks you in the eyes. You smile. She does too.

Gently she pushes you down onto a table, and you lay flat on your back. She takes your mechanical arm in her own hand and pulls it away from you slightly so she can work on it. Despite the arm being metal, you can still feel the soft caress of her fingers as she places them in different spots along it.

You watch as she works diligently, her eyes matching her content smile. It feels a little strange when she starts adjusting things, despite that, you find yourself enjoying the moment. Mika hums quietly to herself as she makes minor adjustments, turning a screw here, calibrating a servo there… You can tell she’s enjoying herself too.

“…There…” She closes a panel and secures it. “It’s finished.” She smiles sweetly at you.

You start to get up, but her hand stops you. Mika is looking away, biting her bottom lip. “Actually, there’s one last adjustment I need to make… Can you… Can you close your eyes for just a second?”

You lay back down and shut your eyes. Soft hair tickles your nose, and it takes everything you’ve got to not open your eyes right the hell now.

You feel soft lips plant a tender kiss on you cheek. “Eeeek!!!” Mika jumps back, covering her face.

“I-I-I can’t b-believe I just did that!” You stand back up, grabbing her hands and gently moving them aside.

There isn’t anything you need to say, as you lean in and kiss her. She jumps as your lips touch, but you don’t let her retreat, and after a second she stops trying and one of her mechanical claws softly wraps around you, followed slowly by her hands.

Meanwhile

“Master Abbadon, we’ve arrived…”

Abbadon nods, than has to blow the hair out of his eyes, which are seething in fury. “Show it to me.”

One of his followers runs his gauntleted hand across the object, wiping away countless millennia of dust. “…Are you certain this will work master?” Another follower, a sorcerer, asks tentatively.

Abbadon smiles, a mirthless, cold endeavor. “Certain? Nothing is certain. However if the fools of the chaos gods think they can simply whisk me aside into obscurity, than perhaps it is time I find new gods.”

Abbadon’s heartless laugh echoes throughout the chamber as he peers down at the symbol. The white and black two-tone skull sneers its toothy grin up at him…

---

You awaken from your deep hibernation, your roar petering off into a yaaawwwnnnnn. Fucking bear leaves, you sleep like a ROCK on bear leaves. Scratching at your flaming head, you awaken a few daemonettes in the process, who smirk up at you and poke you in the belly.

"Right, probably time for breakfast then, is it?" You wake the other thirty or so daemonettes up, as you stand up and stretch out.

"Yeah, definitely time for breakfast." You sluggishly wander over to a cupboard and pull out a big box labeled "instant cocaine!"

Pouring yourself a generous portion, you grab the cup and sit down. You inhale the contents quickly, and it perks you up.

"AHHH, NOTHING LIKE THE FIRST CUP OF COCAINE IN THE MORNING!" Just as you reach for a second helping, a daemonette slaps your hand away. "OI, WHAT GIVES!?"

She wags her finger at you. "Don't give me that, you know the doctor said you need to start monitoring your cocaine intake."

She sets down a plate with a crepe on it. "...REALLY?"

"Naww, I was just fucking with you." You and the daemonettes consume no less than fifteen boxes in an hour or so.

Thread 12: ORKS IZ MADE FOR ROKKIN!

Mika slowly pulls away from you. “That was…” She’s looking away, one of her mechanical arms twiddling madly with a piece of her hair.

“Good?” You inquire.

“Better than good…” You enjoy several more hours with her, in which she is kind enough to make you quite a delicious sandwich. You wish she would ditch her robe so you can see what’s under it.

“*ARF ARF*” Barks Rex from the entry room.

“Ah!” Mika exclaims suddenly, looking back.

“I forgot, today I need to run some maintenance on Rex!” She hurries out with you in tow.

Rex is sitting there in all his banebladenss, busying himself trying to get into the bag with his treats. “You should go get some stuff done.” Mika smiles, before looking at the tank.

“This is going to take… Quite a while.” She adds, noticing several issues including oil leaking from one of the forward guns.

“Err… You sure you don’t want me to stick around?” You ask, eyeing SLaDOS nervously.

Mika laughs. “Well, I would, if Rex here wasn’t VERY concerned with how you are around vehicles.”

“Wait, you speak baneblade?”

“I DO speak baneblade…” Mika plants a quick kiss before whipping around to grab a toolbox and sprinting off to Rex, her face noticeably red even from where you stand.

You grin, you won’t let her get away so easy next time, but you shouldn’t press the issue today. The cannoness’s bike is all ready set to go, now you just have to figure out where to ride...

Orks…

From the moment you first saw one, you developed a distaste for Orks. It could be due to the fact the first Ork you ever saw nearly chopped you to pieces, but you digress… Never in all your time though, have you seen the Orks acting so damn bizarre. For fucks sake, the skull showed you footage of Orks BATHING.

Now watching from a relatively safe distance through your binoculars, you swear they have put on their Sunday best… The sight of an Ork in a peacoat, albeit one several sizes too small, severely unnerves you.

“Something just ain’t fuckin right…” You mumble to yourself. Two boyz are helping a nob with a tie, they themselves already crammed into hideous mustard yellow suits.

You watch in abject horror as a gretchin walks out of a nearby trukk, wearing a no-shit frilly white dress. Even more terrifying, the Orks gathered around begin to bow politely to the gretchin… Who courtesies back at them… What the fuck? “Didn’t your mother ever tell you it’s rude to spy?” A quiet, dignified voice inquires.

“Ahh! Fucking ghost voices get out of my head!” You roll to your right, clawing at your temples, before you realize the voice wasn’t in your mind. Too much warp shit might have you a bit paranoid.

Turning slowly, you swallow hard at the sight. A lone figure, staring you in the face from but feet away. …The white frilly dress accentuating her exquisite full breasts. Green breasts. “Oh Emprah if you are going to breast I MEAN, eat me, please kill me first.”

The Ork girl gives you a quizzical look and tilts her head slightly.

“Also why don’t you speak…Orky?”

She smiles, blue eyes gleaming in the sun. “WOT? CHU MEAN MOOAR LIKE DIS DEN EH? DIS ‘OW CHU WANT ME TA SPEAK TA YA HUMIE?”

You reel back quickly. “No! NO. Please go back to the first way.”

She snorts with laughter before giving you a more scrutinizing look. “You don’t look like a beakie, but you are very brave to be out here alone and so lightly… Armed.” She toys with your mechanical bits absent mindedly with her left foot.

“Yeah well, didn’t have much choice about that. I don’t need a lot of weaponry anyways.” You aren’t sure why you are telling her this, but you don’t think she is going to kill you… Probably.

“Also I picked the hat over a bigger gun.” You add as you stand up. You are fairly tall, but she has you beat by a few inches. Though it could just be her heels.

She looks thoughtfully at your Commisar hat and after a few moments nods approvingly. “It is a pretty nice hat.”

“Damn right it is.” You reply as you brush off your clothes a bit.

You can’t help but notice, in stark contrast to the other Orks, this particular one is quite beautiful. And Female. Her full pink lips flaunt a light playful smile that makes your heart flutter. Her skin looks incredibly soft despite a more athletic frame. She definitely works out, but from what you can see it must just mean she is lean and sexy underneath that dress. Even through the frills you can make out her hourglass figure.

“So what is your name? I’ll admit this is the longest conversation I’ve had with an Ork.” The girl laughs, her brown hair blowing in the wind.

“Dakkaren, my dad isn’t exactly original when it comes to stuff like that.”

“Alright, well… How should I put this…” You put on your best thinking pose.

“Why are the Orkz acting like a buncha gitz?” She finishes for you.

“Yes, that.”

The Ork girl smiles. “Well, you are about to find out.”

You don’t know how you missed the heavy footfalls, but the loud breathing behind you makes you groan as you turn around.

A massive Ork is grinning at you, two immense tusks jutting out of his lower jaw. “Hahaha, wotz dis den? Find ya a ‘umie playfing did ya Dakkaren?”

Before you can move, he’s grabbed you around the torso with his gigantic power klaw. He brings you up to his face, looking you over.

“Oh daddy, he’s just curious is all…” The Ork girl laughs.

The warboss squeezes you even harder. “You isn’t tryin ta hurt mah wittle pwincess is ya? Imma krump ya good fer dat.” You can’t even breath as his klaw tightens further.

“No… Sir…” You gasp. His grip loosens a bit, but only enough for you to barely breath.

“As a matta ah principal, I usually jus get stompy wif ‘umies…” The power klaw loosens enough for you to fall to the ground, clutching at your sides as you gasp for air. You aren’t going to be able to avoid that massive foot coming down on you.

“Hold on, don’t kill him yet.” Dakkaren puts out a hand and stops the warboss despite the fact that it looks like he could crush her with a nasty look.

“Iz you sure ‘bout dat?” The warboss looks a bit disappointed. It is at that moment that you realize something.

The warboss is wearing a black suit, or at least a very Orkish attempt at one, over his armor. The Ork girl nods. “Well, youz da prettiest you iz…” The warboss beams, and lowers his leg.

“T-thanks for the save?” You ask the Ork girl.

“Well, we’ll see if it was worth it. I may be the princess but I’m not really the boss.” She giggles.

“Also, please call me Karen. It sounds a bit more civilized.” Before you can answer, the warboss grabs you again and holds you above his head.

“C’mon humie, wez got fings we need ta git dun.”

The two start down toward the other Orkz, with you unable to escape the clutches of the warboss. “While I’m up here, mind explaining to me how you guys made a girl? …Did you loot her…?”

“Hah!” The warboss snaps.

“I lost me arm in a roight good fight wif some beakies dat got into me ship. Grots left it and soon nuff dis one here popped up.” He smiles down lovingly at Karen. You didn’t think an Ork face was capable of such a thing.

“Err… I didn’t think Orks could pop up as anything but… While… Orks?” The warboss snorts at your comment.

“I told da grots ta jus git rid a da lot of em, didn’t need ah buncha new boyz poppin up on mah ship. Dis one ‘ere got roight krumpy wif dem, stole a choppa, an cut off mah toe.” He holds up his foot and smiles down at it.

“It wuz den dat I knew, dis one ‘ere was roight killy.”

“Oh daddy, you’re embarrassing me.” Karen punches his shoulder and the warboss laughs.

“So let me get this straight, she grew out of your arm, killed a few grots, and became the princess…?”

“Roight.”

“Well, fair enough I guess. Anyways, mind letting me go now?” The warboss laughs and sneers up at you.

“Let ya go? Ya isn’t da boss if ya let ‘umies go.” He chuckles, waving you around a little bit.

“Err… Karen. Mind if you tell me what’s going to happen?” The Ork girl shrugs.

“Well, if you can best daddy here in one on one combat you might be released, maybe.” …That isn’t very reassuring.

There are now Orks looking curiously at you as the warboss carries you through the crowd. One tries to take a swing at you but the warboss knocks him aside with the power klaw carrying you. “OI! YOU GITZ BACK OFF, DIS ONE IS MINE!” He roars, swinging you around in front of him, which is very painful.

He holds you back in front of his face, looking at you hungrily. “Now den ‘umie, you an I is gon ‘ave sum fun…”

As he sets you down, you notice a wall of weaponry.

Slowly you reach out and pick up a weapon. Well, not exactly a weapon.

The guitar in your hands is heavy, and looks to be made almost entirely out of metal looted from guitars, various tanks, and you even recognize a bit of Imperial coffee maker. The warboss chuckles from behind you.

“Now dats an intraesting choice dat iz.” He reaches out with his power klaw and grabs a massive guitar in the shape of an axe with what looks like flamers poking out the side of it and a chainsword for a neck.

“Get me mah rokkin arm ya grots!” He fires several rounds from his triple linked autocannon right arm, mostly at the feet of a few nearby boyz but a few rounds hit them in the legs.

A few seconds later, a Mekboy is busying himself attaching something else that you can’t see. You finger the guitar strings nervously. This isn’t the first time you’ve played one, Helena made you learn so you could play while she sang. But that was a long time ago.

The warboss leaves into the crowd, and you didn’t get a chance to see what they attached in replacement of his autocannons. That is, until a massive stage is illuminated to your right, to the roar of the Orkz.

The warboss lumbers out, absolutely shredding on the guitar. “DIS ‘UMIE ‘ERE FINKS EH CAN OUTROKK DA WARBOSS, WAT CHU BOYZ TINK A DAT?!”

The crowd roars furiously at his words. Grinning, the warboss increase his speed. Those are some fucking tasty riffs. You feel a knot in your stomach.

You can see what’s replaced his arm now, it looks almost like an ogryn arm really. From here, you can barely read the tattoo on the side of it. “V. Halen”

The warboss raises his arm high above his head, clutching the guitar in his power klaw. His song begins.

What follows is likely the Orkiest thing you’ve ever witnessed. The warboss is absolutely tearing up the guitar, his power klaw somehow incredibly dexterious as it flies over the neck. You can’t really understand the vocals though, most of which consists of varying lengths of “Waaaggh!!!”

However the crowd seems to be absolutely eating it up, driving them into some kind of frenzy of swinging choppas and flashing shootas. The warboss seems spurred on by this, and is swinging the guitar around like an axe even as he continues to play. The crowd tosses an unlucky grot onto the stage and the boss dives into an even harder solo even as the teeth of the guitar neck sever the grots head.

After what seems like ten minutes, and the final eardrum shattering guitar tapping solo, the warboss’s song ends in a blaze of flamers. The boyz around you immediately start cheering for an encore, but the warboss holds up his hand. “I’ll give ya gits moar afta dis ‘umie.”

Very suddenly you are snatched up by the crowd, who drag you forward and onto the stage, tossing you up onto the riveted metal surface. You turn around, squinting against the massive floodlights. The biggest crowd you and Helena ever played was maybe two, three hundred people.

There are at least five or so thousand Orks screaming in this crowd.

You start off slow as your hands get used to the massive guitar. You’ve got a song in mind, one of the few you ever did any vocals for. An ancient Terra relic, but a damn fine tune. Too bad you are going to have to make this damn Orky if you have any chance of pulling it off.

As you become more used to the feeling, you are ready. The Orks hang on the silence between bursts of guitar. One final gasp of air…

“Bosses gathered in their massesssss!!!”

“Just like Wyches at black masses!”

“Orky minds that plot destruction!”

“Weirdboys of Mork’s construction!”

“In the fields da boyz is looting!”

“As the waaagh squig keeps turning!”

“Death and hatred to mankind!”

“Poisoning their brainwashed minds…”

“Oh Gork yeah!”

The Orks go nuts. Gunfire erupts through the crowd as they scream, slamming their choppers into the ground or at each other and screaming their warcry. You aren’t sure how to interpret this, but you don’t stop, your fingers loosening up and starting to feel good. A burst of warp energy near you, and Doomrider steps forth even as he picks up the song and continues with the rhythm portions.

“Politicians hide themselves away!”

“They only started the waaggh!”

“Why should they go out to fight?”

“They leave that all to the boyz!”

Doomrider is shredding right alongside you, and you are really going to owe him one after this.

“Time will tell on their power klaws.”

“Making waagh just for fun.”

“Treating boyz just like pawns in chess.”

“Wait ‘til their big stompah comes.”

“Yeah!”

You can feel the rock flowing through you now as you and Doomrider synch together perfectly. You didn’t know he played guitar, but he does so exceptionally. In reality he’s probably way better than you are.

“Now in darkness ‘ctan stops turning!”

“Ashes where the bodies burning.”

“No more war squigs have the power.”

“Hand of Mork has struck the hour.”

“Day of judgment Gork is calling!”

“On their knees the grots are crawling.”

“Begging nobs for their sins.”

“Tzeentch laughing spreads her wings.”

“Oh Gork yeah!”

Holy shit, relief washes through you as you and Doomrider start into the final guitar portions. Your heart is racing, and despite the fear, you somehow enjoyed that. You notice the warboss yelling along with the rest of the Orks, though whether or not it's a "I'm going to kill you for beating me" yell, you can't yet be sure.

As the song finishes, Doomrider tosses you a quick salute before stepping back into a warp hole and vanishing.

After the last blast of guitar reverberates across the makeshift stadium, the crowd falls silent.

The crowd parts, and the warboss hops back on stage, eyeing you.

“Dat wuz…” He snatches you up in his klaw yet again.

“DA ORKIEST FING I’VE EVAH HEARD!” He yells, raising you over his head.

The Orks in the crowd lose it. “Waaaaaaaaaagggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!” They scream up at him.

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!” He returns. With that he drops you and leaps down into the Orks below the stage and starts crowdsurfing.

They scream their warcry even louder as they rush in one massive mob out of the area, waving choppas and firing everything they’ve got. Several split off and hop into various vehicles, including a stompa, and follow the rest of the Orks. This leaves you almost alone inside the massive stadium.

Karen claps and cheers up at you. “Err… Where did they all go?”

“To go fight something, where else?” Karen says as she shoots her thong up at you like a rubberband.

The thong hits you in the face, and you grab it before it falls. Pink with frills. On an Ork… Really? Karen laughs and jumps excitedly.

“Encore! Encore!” She yells.

“Eh, do you really want one? I’m pretty beat…”

“Boo!” She cups her hands.

“That thong is worth at least ONE song!” She hounds you.

“Really?” You heckle, holding it up and giving it a comically curious look.

“If you don’t play me a song, I’m taking it back…” Well, what should you play the Ork princess for an encore?

You dive right into a song from your youth. It’s an old one that you once witnessed playing on an ancient Terra computer system that the Admech had been working on.

They were busy with their litanies of “work you piece of shit, fucking machine spirits ugh…” while doing the rhythmic dick slapping massage, when the computer fired to life. It’s quite an intricate song, and pretty tiring. You only manage to play half of it before Karen looks a bit bored.

“Well, let’s try this!” You shout, breaking immediately into “Cliffs of Cadia”. Only your fingers completely flub it and both of you wince as the amps whine in protest.

“Well, that didn’t go as planned…”

“Maybe you’re tired after those songs?” Karen asks.

You’ve been holding back your secret weapon, but it might be time. It’s never failed you before after all, you are just going to have to change up some lyrics…

“Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and the Ork girls are pretty.”

“Take me home~” You repeat the chorus.

“Just an urchin liven under the streets”

“It’s a hive world that’s tough to beat.”

“I’m your Commissar so buy me something to eat.”

“Creed’ll pay you at another time.”

“Now get your ass back in line!”

“Rags to thrones or so they say”

“Ya gotta keep pushing for emprah and fame”

“It’s all a gamble when it’s just a game”

“Ya treat it like a heretical crime”

“Everybody’s doin’ the time!”

“Strapped in the chair of the city’s purge chamber”

“Why I’m here I can’t quite remember”

“The Apothecary general says its hazardous to breathe”

“I’d have another cigar but I can’t see”

“Tell me who you’re gonna believe!” Karen is dancing along, well, you think it’s a dance anyways. Do Orks dance?

Just before you can continue into the next set of lyrics, something flies into your mouth and you grab your throat. Coughing hard, you pound on your chest as you realize you are choking on whatever it was. Karen jumps up on stage, raises a choppa over her head, and smacks your back with the flat of it.

The blow knocks whatever it was loose and it goes flying out of your mouth. “Let’s play again sometime onii-chan!” The twenty legged hairy flying centipede calls out to you as it flies away.

"Nice end to the song..." Karen trolls you as you gasp for air and look around for something to drink to get the feeling of small hairs out of your throat. She hands you a bottle of something dark red, and you quickly take a drink. It’s warm…

“Wut is that?” You ask without swallowing.

“Squiggoth blood.”

“PPPPFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!” It sprays out of your mouth.

“Not good?” You use your sleeve to clean off your tongue.

“Not for me.” She laughs at you as she hands you another bottle, this one water, which you quickly slam.

“Well, I liked it until that last bit.” She giggles as you set the guitar aside and lay down on the stage.

“It’s been a long time since I played anything.” You tell her about the humble band you and Helena had together. She listens fairly intently, you didn’t think an Ork could have that kind of attention span.

“So what’s your story? How is it, being the princess and all?” Karen lays down next to you, hands under her head and legs crossed. Her foot bounces a bit as she thinks.

“It’s ok, I guess. It can be a lot of fun, but it’s also a bit depressing to be the smartest one in the group sometimes.”

“I can imagine. Well, no I really can’t, but I can sympathize.” Karen extends her arms out as though reaching into the sky.

“There are a lot of things I like, but what I love most is getting to travel around the stars.” She says dreamily.

You contemplate that. It was kind of the reason you joined the guard. Well, that and the court order… “Now that I can understand, a bit. Still though, it has to be weird for you I would think.”

Karen looks over at you, her face lit by the stage light. “…Sometimes. Daddy’s great though, and most of the rest of them like me now. It was tougher early on, I got picked on a lot for being so small and girly.”

“Hmm… That had to be hard on you.” The two of you lay there for several long minutes.

“Can I have my thong back by the way?”

“Nah.”

“Please!”

“While, I guess if I have to…” You hand it back to her. She stands up and lifts a leg as she hikes up her dress to put it on. You catch a brief glimpse of her ass, and wonder to yourself if it’s the most heretical thing you’ve seen while on the planet. You wonder if she shaves her legs, or if they are just smooth like that, you don’t think Orks are naturally too hairy.

“Ohohoho…” Karen says coyly.

“Uh! Err… Nice stage you’ve got here.” You quickly pretend to marvel at the Orkish construction. She plants a foot on your chest and smiles down at you.

“Get a good look, human? Good thing daddy isn’t here, eyeing up his little princess…” You break into a cold sweat.

“But I’ll forgive you if you take me squigback riding!” She shouts cheerily after an uncomfortable pause, and she grabs you by the arm and lifts you to your feet. You follow her over into a very Orky stable, complete with guns jutting out of walls and several arms that end in saws of various sizes and types.

Inside, you find what you will be riding. Squigs. Big ones.

“How are we even…” But she cuts off your train of thought as she slaps a saddle down on one of them.

“C’mon, saddle him up! He won’t bite! I think?” You reach out and grab the saddle off the wall, before looking back at your own squig.

“That’s a good… err… squig. Let’s just slip this on and…”

The squig gnashes out at you as you get close, and you have to jump onto the gate of a stall to stay out of it’s teeth. “Aww, I think he likes you!” Karen comments as she rides her squig over.

“Really!? REALLY!?”

“Well no, that one has always been kinda mean…”

"Alright you round fuck, I'm going to ride you and you are going to like it." The squig eyes you as you drop down, saddle in hand, and activate your flamer.

He goes to try and bite you, but a burst of flame in front of him causes the squig to stop. "That's right, I am the boss!" You slap the saddle on its back and cinch it down.

"Ooh, good use of the flamer!" Karen flaps her hands excitedly. "Ugh, this dress isn't going to work..." She shifts uncomfortably in the saddle.

"Go change, I'll wait."

---

“Are you sure about this, master?” Abbadon turns away from his reading and glowers back at his subordinate.

“Is this doubt? Do you doubt me now? All of you?” His minions shuffle slightly at his words, glancing around at each other.

“Oh, so its fear then is it? You fear this new god whilst the others mock us?” Abbadon doesn’t wait any longer.

He begins the chant, the archaic scrawl through which he will regain his lost honor. The lighting in the room flickers, as though shadows are moving across their paths. “…Warmaster…” One of the marines protests, hefting his bolter.

Abbadon doesn’t cease now, instead increasing his pace. His head feels woozy, but his body… Oh yes, his body.

The shadows seem to be collecting around Abbadon, overlapping his armor as though stuck to him. “How is that possi…Hurk?!” The marine talking is suddenly cut off as his flesh begins to ooze out of his armor.

“Master Abbadon! Help us!!!” Another pleads as he too begins to melt. Abbadon ignores their screams, he is slave to this feeling.

The flesh of the now silent marines arcs in grotesque motions as they begin to form together as they creep ever closer to the warmaster. “I will bring hell to this world, with you as my lord.” Abbadon smiles, having said all he needs to.

All at once, the flesh descends upon him. Malal gazes into the mortal plane.

Today marks the start of his rise.

---

“Really?”

“Yeah, go for it, just don’t take too long.” Karen ties her squig to a post and runs down the stables until she is out of sight.

Several minutes pass… You sit anxiously on the saddle of your squig, who is still acting quite annoyed with you as he shifts his feet and clacks his jaw. You wish Karen would hurry up…

“Alright, this is much better!” She shouts as she hops over a fence into the stable. In place of her dress, she’s now wearing a set of armor that looks custom-fit. Segmented pauldrons complete with spikes, gauntlets and shin guards, and a form-fit breastplate. It looks like something that would normally be worn into battle.

“Why the armor?” You finally ask.

“Huh? Oh this?” Karen gives her own armor a look over.

“Well… You never know what you might run into out there.”

“Fair enough.” You shrug. Karen laughs, but your ears are ringing.

You groan as you clutch your head, your vision blurry. It feels like the worst migraine you’ve ever had just stepped up its game. “Max!?” Karen yells, dashing over to your side.

But you don’t hear her. You can’t hear anything.

Finally the ringing subsides, and is replaced by another. With a trembling hand you pull out your communicator and look down at the screen. “Incoming Video Transmission from: Gary Oak”

You press accept. Abaddon sneers at you through the hologram.

“How good of you to answer, I was beginning to think you were perhaps too incapacitated.” You hear what he’s saying, but you have a hard time concentrating on it. Your head still aches. Though you do your best to try to conceal that fact, you have the feeling he knows.

“What do you want? I’m up for a rematch but we really should play something less one-sided this time.” You taunt him, trying to put on a strong front. Abbadon chuckles, mockingly.

The hologram zooms out until you can see the whole of Abbadon’s torso. Including the two new arms of rippling muscle wrapped in almost pure white flesh, as well as a new centerpiece on his front plate. A two-tone skull you don’t recognize.

“Oh but Commissar, the game has just begun.” You cry out as your mind seems to split open, as though ripping apart from the inside in some desperate attempt to escape your cranium. You grab at your temples, your hands greeted by a warm slippery mess. Your ears are bleeding.

As you convulse in agony, the only thing you can hear is Abbadon’s voice. Karen pulls you from the saddle, and wings the communicator across the stable, doing her best to try to help you.

Your body collapses as you lapse into unconsciousness.

---

The ladle Esh was holding slips from her fingers, clattering to the floor. “Farseer, did you fe…”

“I did.” Esh cuts off the intrusion quickly, but doesn’t take her eyes off of her stew.

If only she could still focus on that, the perfection of the recepie she’s been working on. Esh bites her lip in anxiety, her vision losing focus. She's worried about Max, having felt him just bear the brunt of a very strong energy. She turns her head to look out the viewscreen. “What was that?” The other elder asks as he wrings his hands together. “Malice…”

---

“Malice!?” Nurgle belches, before scowling and wiping off his mouth with his arm.

“You know you aren’t welcome here!” Tzeentch hisses, putting a hand on her bulging belly as the Emperor steps between her and the newcomer.

“Oh my friends… How long it has been….” Khorne has had enough, he kicks over the table he was sitting at and hefts his axe.

“I’LL REND YOUR BONES TO DUST!” He howls, leaping forward and swinging his weapon in a fiery arc. Malal cackles joyfully as he absorbs the blow.

“Yess… Yesss… Give it to me… Give me… More!” Khorne keeps attacking madly, almost foaming at the mouth.

“That’s enough!” Slaanesh howls, one of its tentacles wrapping around Khornes arms and pulling him back.

“Have you forgotten you oaf? You can’t just slice him open.” Nurlge reprimands Khorne before turning back to Malal, his usually joyous face now a icy glare.

“It’s time to play… After so long… Its… MALICE’S TURN!” Skeletal hands erupt from the forgotten god, whipping around the room. The Emperor, having seen more than he cares to, steps forward with a thrust of his gleaming sword.

With a cackle, Malal’s form turns to shadow and disappears. None of them say anything for several moments. “Well this... Was not something I’d planned for…” Tzeentch finally admits, sitting back down.

---

You finally peel your eyes back open, and wince at the pain. “Easy now, don’t push yourself.” Karen says, pushing your head back onto her lap.

“What just happened?” You groan, rubbing your eyes. The Ork princess shakes her head and looks out into the world beyond the stable.

“Something terrible, I fear.”

Trolling

"I've been taking it too easy on you guys I see...... HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEH UEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHU EHUE"

- Papa-N, on Anon thinking the rape train has brakes

PROMOTIONS

"We purge with righteous zeal!" Her flamer crackles to life, and you have not time to dodge, or do anything really, before the barrel is staring you in the face. You never thought you would go out like this, a choppa to the face maybe, but not a Sorita making guardsman toast. The jet of fire engulfs you, the white hot heat searing away your flesh from bone. The pain is excruciating as you are roasted alive. You try to scream, but nothing emerges as liquid flame pours into your lungs. Your body falls to the ground, charred and broken. Your last thoughts are of home…

---

"Give me that spear, xeno wench!" You roar furiously, snatching it out of her hand. "It's on like orky-kong you over sized worm!" You run full tilt toward Ra'alman, who again opens his mouth. You are mere feet away when the beast lurches forward unexpectedly, closing its gigantic maw down on you.

The teeth shred you to ribbons instantly.

---

"I... I'm shrinking?!" You stutter as your body slowly loses mass. And even more terrifying, your "heavy bolter" starts to shrink as well. "What the fuck is going on?!" You shout, but your voice has grown meek, quieter... ...Girlish...

Your world goes dark for a moment, but then recovers. Only you're not on a beach anymore. You are bent over, chained across a bed.

Your new vagina completely exposed...

"HUEHUEHUEHUEHEUEHEHEHEHEHEUHEUHEHEUHE BR BR BR BR BR BR!!!!!" Oh god, that is worse than a thousand of Ra'alman's screams.

The noise marine walks up to your face... ...and flops out his gnarled, purple, studded manhood...

"BRBRBRBRBRBRBR!!!!!!!" The noise marine's insane ramblings grow ever faster and louder as he presses the tip of his daemon to your virgin lips. Another chaos marine, this one sprouting with wriggling green tentacles, moves behind you, ready to taint your purity seal...

"Oh thank the Empruh, help me Lycheria!" Seeing her raises your hopes, she can surely get you out of here. All hopes are dashed as she unzips her corset...

...And a massive emperor's champion falls out, dangling inches from your ass...

"Noo, you can't put it in there, that spot is EXTRA HERESY!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Will Maxima be brutally anal raped by a futa sister of battle and her brazillian noise marine cronies? FIND OUT NEXT TIME, ON DRAGON BALL ZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

---

"You're on your own, skank!" You snatch up your gear and jump to your feet, breaking into a sprint. "Wait, please don't go!" She pleads as the Hive Tyrant rushes in at her. You run as fast as your legs can carry you, looking back over your shoulder. The Hive Tyrant has busied itself introducing her xeno bits to it's epic gun wang, while at the same time chewing off her left arm. "Its not your fight Max, its not your fight." You try to reassure yourself as you feel your soul leave you in disgust.

You slow down to catch your breath, the screams of the Tau girl gone now, having grown ever more quiet as the life faded from her. You collapse of exhaustion, tears streaking down your face as you realize what it is you really just did. With a shaking hand you raise your laspistol to your own head. "See you later, space cowboy..."

• BLAM*

---

And that's when she stands back up. Revealing her 24" twisted xeno plasma cannon. "Hey, that's a pretty cool gun! Mind if I hold it?" "Sure!" She replies happily, flopping it down on your hand. "Whoa, its warm." "Wait! Don't play with it so much or it might go off!!!" You don't hear her as you stroke and fondle the alien cannon. "No! Stop! ...Ah!?" The cannon explodes in your hands, covering you in sticky blue plasma. "Cool. I wonder how it tastes?" You remark as you lick the tip of the barrel. "Oh, this plasma tastes really good!" She's squirming as you continue to fondle the cannon. "W-well if you want some more, reload it." "How do I do that?" You ask with another lick of the barrel. "First you have to cock it." "Later, maybe..." You shrug, setting down the still toasty plasma gun behind you. "For now, let me give you another taste of MY plasma." Ailia opens her mouth, sticking out her tongue. "Guess again, xeno slut." You spin her around, revealing both her heresies to your throbbing power sword. Which one will you purge? "You shall feel the hot wrath of my blade." You lower the titan's cannon toward her eye of terror. "No! That hole isn't for the greater good!" She struggles in vain as your ship steadies itself, preparing to enter the breach of the warp. But before you can press forward into her dark heresy, a baneblade pops up from underneath one of the instrument panels. The barrel turns to you and obliterates the Crisis battle suit from the inside out.

"CCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!"

No!

Even TACTICAL GENIUS isn't going to stop you. "I must purge the heretics!" You cry. "No, Max, you are the heretics." And then Max was a chaos primarch.

"For SLAANESH!!!" You howl as you press forward with your seventeen penises. "There is no way those will fit! Stop! NOOOO!" Its too late, you thrust forward and drive them home, feeling the warp overtaking you. Your monster dicks shoot out and invade every greater good this xeno fuck toy has to offer.

You focus the warp and pull Lychria and Esh to you through it. "By the Emperor, what heresy is this!" "Oi! Mon-keigh, whats the big... By Uthwe NO!" You remove enough of your squirming daemon princes to be able to violate both of them. "So many holes, I WANT THEM ALL!"

You fill every available hole in your prayer of obscene pleasure to your new god. The three girls struggle, but there is no escape. And there are no brakes on the rape train. Your purple, bumpy, throbbing dicks violate them in their tight pink purity seals, their wet pleasure caves, and their protesting mouths. You start to climax. Unfortunately for them, when a Slaanesh daemon of your magnitude cums, they can keep it up for several decades if they so desire. Purple daemon-batter floods out of every hole and the three struggling girls suddenly go slack against their penis-bonds, unable to escape.

"And so that's why, idiot mon-keigh, nothing will ever happen between us!" Esh yells before hanging up.

What in the actual fuck did you just hear that tsunseer describe?

...As your ship exits the field you fire up your comunicatus devices.

"Tzeentch, heed my call." For a moment, silence. But then...

"I'm busy right now, GO AWAY!" You notice, just before the feed cuts out, that she is busily fingerbanging herself... ...To a picture of none other than the Emprah himself.

---

It's double rape time.

You realize you are covered in some kind of thick liquid that seems to be dripping out of your every.... DEAR EMPRAH NO! Your eyes fly open entirely, as you realize exactly what is happening.

---

"You can't possibly mean..." The Emperor staggers back. Tzeentch, blushing, nods her head repeatedly. Well this is certainly going to cut into his board time. Still, he's the god Emprah of mankind, he can handle this shit. "FALCON PAWNCH!" His fist creates a cradle made out of pure gold. "What do you want to name him?" Tzeentch asks quietly. "Max." The Emperor responds. "And he shall know no boundary."

---

"Hey Max." "Yeah Emprah?" "Can you babysit for me tomorrow?" "wat"

---

“Ha ha.” She beins to laugh slowly, quietly. “Ha ha ha ha…” Raising her spear and pointing it right at your chest. “Listen Esh, I can explain…” You barely manage to leap out of the way as the spear thrusts through the space occupied by your heart barely a second ago. “EXPLAIN!?! YOU CAN… EXPPLLLAAIIINNN?!?!?!” You are ducking, dipping, dodging and ducking to avoid the repeated thrusts, unable to get a word in lest you catch one through the gut. “YOU KNOW DAMN WELL, IDIOT MON-KEIGH, WHAT YOU WERE DOING!” A fateful jap catches you finally, you should have known you weren't agile enough to dodge an Eldar's attacks forever. You groan as Esh slowly works the blade around, grinning at your suffering. "Hope it was worth it." She says, before a nearby Eldar separates your head from your shoulders.

---

Lycheria laughs as she watches you squirm in your bonds, unable to escape the bed. She's smiling as she rubs her heavy flamer against your rear hatch.

"I thought this thing was over!" You shout.

"Over? Over? No no silly, it's just BEGUN!"

The noise marines press closer now, continuing their tremendous and terrible song.

"HUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEH UEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHU EHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUE"

"Wait! Wait I don't even know whats going on! Where am I, why do I have girly parts?!" But Lycheria doesn't answer as she presses her zealous servant of the Emperor forward.

You can only tense up and cry out as it slowly works its way inside.

Lycheria grabs your hips as she works herself deeper, oblivious to your pain. "Don't be like that..." Shey says coyly, "I've brought you a friend, look."

A Carnifex lurches up toward your face. Before lowering it's massive bile cannon. You don't even have time to cry out as the beast thrusts itself into your mouth.

Struggle as you may, there is nothing you can do to stop it as it drives itself into your throat. "See? All better now." Lycheria coos as she starts picking up her pace, completely ignoring your new lady bits as she violates your dark heresy.

It's all too much, you can't handle it. You can't breathe and the inside of your tank burns from it's hatch down to it's cockpit. The weapon way stronger than it's weak defenses.

Finally you give in and just let them have their way, there isn't anything you can do to stop it anyways. "Ahh, this feels so good." Lycheria moans as she thrusts as deep as she can penetrate, ignoring all of your saves.

You can't even scream, the Carnifex seems to have found a rhythm and is completely ignoring the fact that you've vomited the entirety of your stomach already.

The sister of battle grunts as she finally transitions out of the assault phase and fires her flamer. You can feel it's burning liquid filling your insides.

The 'nid follows suit, and your mouth is boiling over with it's thick bright green slime. "Ahh, that's better..." Lycheria moans as she withdraws her force, you can feel excess plasma leaking from your hatch and dripping down your leg.

"Your turn, boys." She snaps her fingers. And the noise marines start to move in, still playing their horrific tune. "BRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBR!!!!!"

A noise marine plunges into every one of your holes, none of them seeming to care about two of them already being filled to the brim with a sticky mess.

Your mind breaks as they take no mercy on you. Hell. This is hell. But you love it. "Oh Emprah yess, fill me with all of your taint of chaos!!!" You scream. The noise marine's song becomes more chaotic and frantic as they climax.

An assault from all sides, you aren't sure if your body can take it. Flamers and plasma cannons erupt, and by the time their furious assault ends, you are left leaking and bound with but a single wound remaining. "Poor little Maxima, don't think you're done just yet..." Lycheria laughs as she flips you over and re-binds your hands and feet.

---

---

You can't handle the wait any longer, you are overcome with lust. With the force of a thousand suns you plunge yourself down into the hatch. The feeling of the large purple lips enveloping you is curiously decadent. "Its so... So good..." You moan as you start working in and out of the hatch.

"Ah! If you do it that much... No! My-my treads are moving on their own?!"

You can feel yourself starting to get close, fucking this tank is just too incredible. "I-I'm coming!"

Your gun erupts and fills the crew compartment with sticky plasma. "Crew incapacitated!"

---

You slip your armored codpice back on.

"Sorry ladies, but I really don't want to be a dad and I'm not sure what you could be carrying." You put your pocket protector back on, don't want those pens wrecking your shirt!

"Pfft, whatever nerd." The sisters kick you out and leave you behind in the cold while they fuck each other furiously with Inquisition-approved strap ons.

So you head out to sea. There is only one thing you can really pleasure yourself with anyways. Ra'alman leaps from the water, rearing his ugly head. "I'm ready for you again, my love!" You call out to him. "Oh Ra'alman, you sexy beast of the seas, I want you!" You call out to the monster.

He responds with a terrifying roar, before surging up into the sky and peering down at you curiously. You close your eyes and raise your arms, ready for the coitus that will forever seal your love. You had left those bolter bitches behind at the realization. You don't want anyone else in your life, you just want your massive fish-hunk. With a scream, he descends and swallows you whole. Though he is very careful to avoid getting you with any of his teeth. Down and down you descend in his slippery throat, which is full of small tentacles that rub you pleasurably. "Ahh... It's so good..." You moan as you remove your clothing and surrender yourself to the slippery wet darkness.

The more you descend, the longer and wetter the tentacles get, all the while growing more and more active. They are stroking you softly now, and you can only close your eyes and squirm at the pleasure. Your mind collides with the fish, and suddenly you find out that it is in fact a female. Though it doesn't speak, and its thoughts are primal, you can understand what it wants you to do. The beast wants you to fertilize its eggs.

---

You thrust harder.

"No no... LEFT, damn it, LEFT!"

The girl grinds her teeth in frustration. You try to angle yourself to the left. Its exceedingly difficult to do both, you don't think these things were really made to drive...

You must have slammed your magazine in her well too hard, because she jolts and the walking death machine jumps upwards.

"Hey! Watch it you idiot!" The girl shouts as the engine lands. Not that you can understand her through the gag ball. Unfortunately for her, the landing also drives you into her as deep as you can penetrate.

"Hiii!!!" She shrieks in surprise.

Fuck it, you can't drive like this. But you aren't through trying. You pick up your speed, and the walker starts stumbling along as the girl squirms and moans in pleasure.

The engine wobbles and shakes as the girl starts convulsing, pressing against the bonds connecting her to the vehicle as she rides her climax. Finally, she goes slack inside the machine, and the walker crouches down.

Well, you didn't get anywhere, but it was fun.

---

You grip your controls hard, grinning. This is going to be a fun race.

The two of your engines echo ever louder off the sides of the buildings as you race down the street. Doomrider cackling madly as he shoots up with his free hand. You are too busy laughing to notice the blown out lemon russ turret blocking your path.

"OH FUCK!" You see it, but it's too late for you to react. The front of your bike hits hard and you are thrown violently over the handlebars. You can only curl into the fetal position to try to minimize the damage now.

The pain is excruciating as you bounce and skid along the ground, the hard pavement ripping off pieces of your skin. The bike explodes behind you, but you are too incapacitated to notice.

You've finally stopped bouncing, and you notice sickeningly the bone jutting out of your leg.

---

"Oh SLaDOS, I can't take it anymore! Your terminals are just too fucking sexy!"

You reach out and grab her panel roughly.

"~No! Wait!~"

You don't wait, instead tapping several of the keys seductively.

"~Ah! When you touch there, mmmmm!!!!~"

You keep doing it, until a small hole opens on the side of the computer bank. Wasting no time, you plunge your usb drive into it.

"~It feels so good!~"

You pick up your pace, hammering your device into that dirty slot.

"~Oh, I'm going to....! 01000011 01110101 01101101 00100001~"

With one last thrust you finish as well, and you lean against the terminal bank, panting hard.

"~You had better take responsibility...~"

A chute opens on SLaDOS, and a small cube falls out of it. The emblem of a Commissar hat on it's side.

---

Only you feel something semi-hard pressing into your lower back.

"Hey, uh, Mika? What's hard in your pants?"

Mika jumps slightly, and squeezes you with her legs.

"It-it-its... My penis."

---

"Done!" She finally exclaims happily.

Something weird flops down in your mechanical hand, and you look down from her face to see what it is.

Her 9" schlong now rests in your palm, and its rock hard.

---

You stand on the stage meekly. "I-I k-kissed a girl and I..."

But the crowd of Orks cut you off as they furiously roar and charge the stage. They grab you and haul you away, the warboss and daughter looking at you disgustedly.

Finally, they toss you roughly inside a hut. The first thing you notice is the twenty or so naked nobs.

The second is a looted video camera. "Um... Whats going on?" You finally ask.

The cameraboy looks up. "We'ze shootin poor wittle white boy seventeen 'fousand, you'z da star."

They shove you roughly onto a nearby bed, you are powerless against their rippling green muscles. "Waagh, wut iz we gon do to 'im on dis bed boss?"

They are stroking themselves as they wait. You try to activate your plasma rifle arm, but a nob just grabs you around the arm and holds the hatch shut. "Oi, I'mma let you finish 'umie." He grins.

"But dis gon be da greatest video ah all time..."

The nobs close in, grinning ear to ear, until the largest of the bunch shoves them all aside. "Not so fast ya grots, Iz da biggest so I gits 'im first!"

He grabs you by the hips and flips you over roughly. "I've been waitin ta try dis out..." A Mekboy chuckles as he revs some kind of gasoline powered monstrosity from behind you.

"You cant escape mah big dakka, Iz goona enjoy it inside ya 'eavy arma..." You gulp as you feel something long, thick, and warm slap down and rest on your ass...

---

Original Threads

Thread I: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17067317

Thread II: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17073735

Thread III: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17095883

Thread IV: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17116254

Thread V: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17168467

Thread VI: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17191456

Thread VII: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17215659

Thread VIII: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17248917

Thread IX: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17270982

Thread IX - OVERTIME: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17274776

Thread X: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17315227

Thread X - OVERTIME: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17318585/

Thread XI: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17351359/

Thread XII: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17387115/

Gallery

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  The Dice Gods show their appreciation of Max once again

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  Oh, Dice Gods, you so crazy