Advance Wars

HEY KIDS - WAR IS FUN!.

Advance Wars is a video game series for the Nintendo consoles and handhelds. Which means it's probably cutesy, family friendly, and costs less than competitors. To a normal person, this would sound perfect - to a veteran of /tg/, this is heresy and complete opposite of things they are used to.

But despite that, it is still about war, with all of it's glory and all of it's horrors.

Summary

Advance Wars is a turn-based, Panzer General-inspired strategy game that is set in an alternate modern and weeaboo universe (with western cultural influences blatant, obvious, and yet amusing stereotypes). Gameplay involves making dudes from preset bases, using those dudes to take over buildings (by stomping on them.... tad odd, I know), and using those buildings to build MORE dudes to eventually kill all the dudes in the enemy base and stomp on the base itself.

However, only footsloggers can stomp on the buildings, while everything else can kill them - in a way, it's a perfect balance. On the other hand, it's annoying, because infantry is fragile as a piece of paper, when it's out of cover. And when in cover, it's slow. And there are dozen of nuances that are surprisingly simple to learn but annoying to overcome.

Oh and there's some aircraft and navy battle stuff but they're not really important, the stomping on things, is, though.

One important factor in the battle, is the CO (Commanding Officer) which leads the army. Each of them has a set of different abilities, therefore ensuring that the games will always be unbalanced as all hell.

Factions

The designs and COs various factions are all influenced by the four most important powers in World War 2 - or, at least, by stereotypes and cutesy re-imaginings of the 4 main powers, with less genocide and war crimes.

• Orange Star is the USA
• Blue Moon is the USSR (You don't know how lucky you are, boy)
• Green Earth is Western Europe
• Yellow Comet is Imperial Japan
• Black Hole is Nazi Germany

Also, there are aliens or something, but fuck those guys.

If you want to think in terms of Warhammer 40k, you can think along those lines:

• Orange Star are Space Marines as they are overall most average in power and style.
• Blue Moon is the Imperial Guard as they love their artillery and cheap unit spam.
• Green Earth are Eldar, because they are all specialized towards a certain unit type and also tend to be dicks about everything.
• Yellow Comet are Communist Weeaboos for obvious reasons.
• Black Hole is Chaos, especially since in the first game they were a reskin of Orange Star, and therefore were Chaos Space Marines.

...You should also stop calling your cat "Xeno Scum".

COs

The Commanding Officer, the one who directs the troops.

Abbreviations signify which games they are playable in:

• AW 2 = Advance Wars 2
• DS = Dual Strike
• No abbreviation means they are in all of them aside from Days of Ruin which is their own list altogether.

Advance Wars Mainline CO list

Orange Star

• Andy: The middle-roader of the middle-road. No real strengths and weaknesses, with a power that repairs his dudes and gives them a minor buff. Has a personality that fits his playstyle, plain and unremarkable, but reliable and without real annoyances.
• Max: Every crew of heroes needs a big beefy guy. Crappy with artillery, but great in a straight up fight, with big damage buffs to all direct combat. Has exactly the personality one would expect from a big, beefy guy. Might or might not be dating Nell.
• Sami: Infantry specialist and standard issue Hot Chick. The most finesse-oriented Orange Star CO, relying on skirmish tactics and a bonus to capturing cities to gain a property advantage in the early game, followed by a wall of rapidly-replenishing mechanized infantry and tanks in the late. Also, that CO power that lets her one-shot-capture any property in the game in one go is cheating good if she can land it on the enemy base. Likes: Drinks, guns, camo, WW II fighter-pilot jackets. Dislikes: Straight fights, shenanigans.
• Nell: Commander-in-chief of the army, and the sexy voice constantly bitching in your ear throughout the first game. Super-lucky, all of her units have a chance to deal extra damage and take less once she's finally playable. Rachel's big sister.
• Hachi (AW 2): Is the map merchant in the first game.
• Jake (DS): The Japanese version is just kinda bland, while the American version speaks entirely in hip-hopisms. Your choice which is worse. Protagonist of the DS games, and gets an attack bonus when fighting in the open, the only CO who benefits from a terrain bonus on flatland.
• Rachel (DS): Nell's little sister, and the serious one. Her units repair more quickly than others, and her CO power carpet bombs the enemy before giving her whole army Nell's day-to-day power. Dual Strike's "Andy" character, with few real strengths or weaknesses.

Blue Moon

• Olaf: Grumpy Orange Star defector, who started out as a cowardly starter villain before succumbing to the ravages of time and transforming into Santa Claus as the games progress. Specializes in winter combat and fighting in the snow, with a CO power that summons a storm (inflicting damage in later games) and units that gain bonuses and ignore penalties for ice. Rain, unfortunately, fucks up his shit even worse than usual.
• Grit: Indirect combat specialist, and another Orange Star defector. Max's opposite, a long-range specialist whose artillery shoots further and hits harder, but whose tanks crumble more easily under direct assault. Lazy gunfighting badass, who may or may not still be schtupping Nell behind their countries' backs.
• Colin (AW 2): Sickly, insecure rich kid conscripted in the face of the alien invasion in the sequel. His units suck, but their cheap price lets him crank them out fast enough to do communism proud. And his CO Power can turn all that money he saved on them into horrible damage bonuses. Like, mechs one-shotting megatanks horrible. One of the best COs in both games he appears in.
• Sasha (DS): Colin's sexy, confident older sister. Her units don't gain any advantage or disadvantage from her leadership, but she gets extra money from all her properties, and her powers drain enemy CO gauges and give her more money whenever her dudes shoot stuff. One of the nastiest one-two punches in the game when she teams up with her little brother.

Green Earth

• Eagle: Badass fighter pilot and angry German who keeps getting fooled by clones. Air units benefit from potent buffs, and his CO power lets his entire army reactivate and move again, something that has proven more and more difficult to balance as the games go on. Starts dating Sami after they almost kill each other, and mellows out a little by the second game.
• Drake: Badass fatass admiral. His navy is powerful, which is good when you have one and useless when you don't, his units all ignore rain penalties, and his CO power, on top of direct damaging the entire enemy army, halves their fuel. Done right it can single-handedly reverse the enemy's momentum. Fun, if situational. Personality-wise, a fun, good-natured guy who loves food and relaxing more than combat.
• Jess (AW 2): Grumpy British tank commander with a suit and a great big shell. Good with, you guessed it, tanks and other mechanized units, and her CO power resupplies all of them and buffs up their firepower and speed. Cools down a little in Dual Strike, apparently dealing with Eagle just puts her on the rag.
• Javier (DS): The odd-duck generalist among his more-specialized comrades, Javier focuses most heavily on defense and the new-fangled "Communications Tower" mechanic. His whole army gets harder and harder to hurt as he captures more and more towers, which is great... when the map provides them. Which is a shame, because a flamboyant Don Quixote clone is one of the better ideas for a CO in these sorts of games.

Yellow Comet

• Kanbei: Angry Lion Clan-style raw raw Bushido stereotype. His powers mirror Colin's: better units at a higher price. Like Colin, really powerful, especially once he gets a good enough economy to put out tanks that can go toe-to-toe with other COs' medium tanks, and has a very straightforward CO power that just buffs the hell out of his entire army.
• Sonja: Kanbei's much more cool-headed daughter. Master strategist, passable tactician. Her units have a grab-bag of unusual abilities, including increased vision in fog-of-war and hidden HP, and the ability to circumvent some terrain bonuses. Her CO powers let her units shrug off enemy attacks and return fire with full effectiveness. Very situational, but has some good counter-picks and makes a good partner in Dual Strike.
• Sensei (AW 2): An increasingly-senile PC from the old series turned into an old man who won't take off his lucky parachute. Buffed out infantry and helicopters, with a powerful CO ability that spawns free mechs in any city he controls. Hard to master, but generally reckoned to be broken in high-level play.
• Grimm (DS): Fat pro-wrestler-turned-neckbeard. His units abuse steroids for a beefy attack boost, but suffer defense penalties from the side effects. Flat, but fun.

Black Hole

• Sturm (AW & AW 2): Pretty much just Darth Vader. As a BBEG, his units are pretty much the best at everything, with no real weaknesses and a CO power that summons a meteor shower to devastate the enemy army. Super-potent, but what do you expect from the final boss? Main enemy in the first two games, killed by Hawke when he tries to nuke the world into uninhabitability at the conclusion of the second.
• Flak (AW 2): Evil version of Max, and the Black Hole army's vicious, expendable muscle. Like Nell, has a chance to deal bonus damage, but unlike her sometimes whiffs completely.
• Adder (AW 2): Juda from Fist of the North Star in a Nazi uniform with guyliner. An otherwise-average CO with a quick-charging movement buff that catches you upside the head when you least expect it.
• Lash (AW 2): Mad, petulant teenage genius and Sonja's evil counterpart. Specializes in terrain use and builds all the evil superweapons. Defects to the good guys in Dual Strike, where she learns to use her dark science for good.
• Hawke (AW 2): The stoic, competent Eliphas in an army of cackling supervillains, and has Rommel-style morals and honor and such. His units have universal stat-buffs in exchange for a slow-charging CO power that does minor damage to enemies and repairs minor damage to friendlies. Not earth-shattering, but puts out a complete game that makes him hard to counter. Keeps killing off his bosses for being too crazy and evil, and defects to the good guys with Lash partway through Dual Strike.
• Jugger (DS): Either a robot or a guy who likes pretending to be one. Gameplay-wise, pretty much Flak with even more erratic luck.
• Kindle (DS): Smug, upper-class bitch who looks like a lit birthday candle. Gets a massive attack boost when fighting on urban terrain.
• Koal (DS): Frustrated would-be kabuki actor. His units get buffs for fighting on roads and he's got Adder's quick-charging speed buff power.
• Von Bolt (DS): The new BBEG, filling in Sturm's gigantic shoes as best as he can. An impossibly old man confined to a techno-throne, draining away other life into himself so that he can never truly die. Has Hawke's stat buffs, and his CO power fries a huge area, damaging and paralyzing friend and foe alike. No slouch, but not the monster final enemy his predecessor was.

Days of Ruin CO List

Rubinelle 12th Batallion "Brenner's Wolves"

• Will: Idealistic kid struggling with a grimdark-riddled world. Unusually for a protagonist, he's somewhat specialized, equipped with Jake's movement buff CO power and plains bonus. Once his mentor pulls an Obi-wan, his balls grow three sizes and he takes over the army to keep his mentor's ideals alive. Finishes the game fairly happy, and boffing your worst enemy's daughter-clone has got to be the finest of victories.
• Brenner: Grizzled veteran who leads from the front, favoring defensive tactics and coming through with powerful humanity. He saves Will and keeps his unit on the straight and narrow in the face of the apocalypse. Dies half-way through, because that never happens to the hero's mentor. Has Andy's repair power, but his CO aura boosts defense.
• Lin: Cynical, gloomy skirmish fighter teaching tactics to the new meat. Also wants Brenner to slip her the d, which makes the ongoing comparisons on this page hilarious. Also the one who does dirty business for more-idealistic comrades, like blowing Greyfield's brains out rather than dragging him in to stand trial. Gameplay-wise, she's got Sonja's Fog of War powers, but also gives out a pretty big all-around stat boost in a fairly small area.
• Isabella: An attractive and mysterious amnesiac girl Will finds and saves in the middle of the mountains, who turns out to have encyclopedic knowledge of military matters who becomes very important to the plot later on. Never actually fights in the campaign, which is a shame because she's probably the best CO in the game, with a big aura that gives out big buffs to all stats for all units, and a nasty power that buffs range and speed simultaneously, giving her army any number of viable builds.

Lazuria

• Forsythe: Honorable old soldier who looks exactly like Lee Van Cleef. Pretty cool guy, shame the protagonists had come down with a bad case of the stupids. Gunned down like a dog once he surrenders, kicking off Brenner's rebellion. Gameplay-wise, is the only CO with no power, but makes up for it with a giant aura that hands out a modest buff to all units.
• Tasha: Angry, violent bitch out for revenge. Mellows out a little once Brenner's Wolves go rogue to save her and her army, and she joins the gang to help bring down Greyfield. Fighter pilot who plays a lot like Will, but with air units instead of tanks.
• Gage: ...Crap, ran out of Dawn of War characters. Cold-hearted sniper who follows orders without questions regarding the moral implications of his work. Joins the Wolves with Tasha halfway through the game. Has Grit's buffs and CO power, but the reworked CO system gives him a much more complete game.

New Rubinelle

• Admiral Greyfield: Fat evil sumbitch who sets himself up as generalissimo, then as a king of Rubinelle. About as stable as a house of cards, and guns down his own men to maintain morale at the drop of a hat. Nukes lots of his own men to kill Brenner, then gets counter-attacked by the resurgent Wolves. Picks the one member of the army who isn't Lawful Good to surrender to, who promptly airs out his skull. Gameplay-wise, he buffs defense to helicopters and naval units and has a power that resupplies all his men, which is okay... so long as the map has ports.
• Waylon: Southern-fried mercenary pilot who ends up working for Greyfield. Not really 100% evil, but still kind of a dick. Mechanically, he buffs defense to usually-fragile air units, giving them a lot of staying power.

Intelligent Defense Systems

• Penny: Calder's youngest "daughter," and bug-fuck nuts as a result of her creator's experiments on her brain. She talks to her bear, "Mr. Bear," and likes big explosions. Ultimately defects to the good guys once her father tries to get her to kill herself to take them down. Gameplay-wise, is the only CO in the game with an army-wide power (immunity to weather effects), on top of a minor buff in a huge area. Do not screw with the loli.
• Tabitha: Calder's eldest "daughter," and a daddy's girl. Considering who her daddy is, this makes her kind of a bitch. Unlike most COs, she doesn't so much buff her army as pump one unit into god-mode with a 'gigantic buff to attack and defense. Her power calls in an air strike, but the big buff of her maxed-out aura means few ever bother using it.
• Caulder: Loony mad scientist and sinister PMC owner. That's double evil. The BBEG behind all the events of the game, and the abusive creator of his "clan" of gene-tinkered clones. (Including, incidentally, himself.) Makes the final battle an absolute motherfucker, with a gigantic aura that repairs all units for half their health every day and gives them a big buff to all stats, on TOP of all the cannons and mortars his death factory is spewing at you. In short, a worthy successor to the throne of Sturm and a very memorable villain.

Others

• The Beast: Crazy post-apocalyptic bandit king who serves as the primary villain in the first segment of the story. Unplayable and lacks any special abilities, but still rather memorable.

More 40k Relations and other Notes

This costs more than the actual Video Game.

Any 40k player who plays Advance Wars will breath with relief for the fact that he doesn't have to worry about morale of his troops. After all, the infantry for all factions are cheap and expendable - but they are fearless and don't need Commissars.

However, there is still nerdrage to be had, because:

• Even the mighty Megatank, the biggest tank in the series to date, can't even crush a puny squad of soldiers. Instead, it has to rely on it's main armaments of eleven five barrels of hell. Which work on Command & Conquer logic, and therefore suck against infantry (and wasting precious ammo time on infantry is painful).
• There are only two variants of infantry, although to be true, since the game is "Panzer General: Light", you don't really need dozens of different infantry units, since it can be assumed that infantry uses a variety of weapons, while only Assault Rifles/Rocket Launchers/Machine Guns are shown. It's a game for 12 year olds for god's sake!
• No special characters appear, so all of the units are little more than minions for the slaughter. And units you can't build are also minions to be slaughtered. Truly, this is a game fit for all children in the Imperium of Man.
• The last game of the TBS series has turned grimdark, but has a somewhat happy ending. Therefore it's too happy for 40k players and too dark for the vidja fans of the series. At least they gave the Megatank a heavy machine gun so it can save its ammo for other tanks.