The God-Emperor of Mankind

The Emperor, in all his Jewness.

The God-Emperor of Mankind is the figurehead ruler of the Imperium and the resident filthy scheming Jew in the Warhammer 40k universe. The administration he established continues to govern the Imperium in his name, but it is generally accepted that the absence of the Emperor's proper guidance is what has turned the Imperium into the hellish mess that it is. In the Imperium, questioning whatever your superior tells you the Emperor's word happens to be today is treason and heresy, typically punished by execution.

At first The Emperor re-united humanity when it was going to shit with constant wars by establishing the Imperial Army, which later became what is known today as the Imperial Guard after a split with the Navy. After that, he made the original 20 Space Marine Legions, each comprised of 10,000 Space Marines rather than the present Chapters of 1,000. Each Space Marine is made using the DNA of a specific Primarch. The Primarchs were lesser clones the Emperor made of himself, because nobody else is badass enough to lead his great armies, but his own flesh and blood they however weren't as strong as their father and not all of them inherited his Psyker abilities. However the Chaos Gods then whisked them away and scattered them through the universe. The Emperor then spent most of his years finding his sons while conquering planets, reestablishing human sovereignty across the galaxy.

After he found 18 of the 20 primarchs, he assigned them to their respective legions and had them retake humanity in a crusade of a grand scale, this is also when the Spehss mahreens were at their awesomest. After much time, Horus Heresy erupts where 9 of the legions rebel against the Empra. The Emperor fought against Horus, daddy's favorite in an epic battle that ended it all at the cost of being mortally wounded to the point that he must be put permanently on a life support machine known as the Golden Throne. After that, the Imperium eventually degraded into the Grimdark empire we all know and love today.

It is established that the Emperor is pretty much the most powerful psyker alive, humbling even the eldar, and whilst upon the Golden Throne he guides the light of the Astronomicon, basically a lighthouse in the warp, which is run by the power of thousands of agonized psykers. He is tens of thousands of years old and has been secretly guiding humanity from behind the scenes for much of his lifetime. Theories variously suggest that he is also Sigmar of Warhammer Fantasy Battle fame, Chuck Norris, and Jesus. It is uncertain as to whether or not his internment on the Golden Throne is a good thing; some believe that if he were to die, the Imperium would be truly plunged into darkness, whereas others believe that if allowed to finally die he would reincarnate and return to unify the galaxy once more. Whatever the truth of the matter, Games Workshop are never going to advance the story, so it is mostly irrelevant.

He is sometimes referred to as the Empra or Emprah, a joke derived from the voice acting in the Dawn of War game, Soulstorm, specifically Indrick Boreale's final speeches.

After he shaved his goatee his chin radiated a brilliant light through the warp. The Imperial Navy used this light as a beacon to guide them through that terrible place.

The Emperor is so powerful that he could DESTROY SUNS BY SNAPPING HIS FINGERS!!! The Chaos Gods are scared shitless of this guy, and hope that he dies so they can thay over the universe. If the God Emperor were to arise again Chaos would be FUCKED. The pussy Eldar fear that if the Emperor were to die a new Eye of Terror would be opened and Chaos would take over EVERYTHING! /b/ hails him as Peter the Cat, King of /b/!

He was apparently born 8000 B.C in Anatolia, making him a Proto-Sumerian probably. He also masqueraded as many prophets, leaders and wise men throughout history to nudge humanity towards a more ordered society, including Jesus, Mohammad, Buddha, Gaius Julius Caesar and so on. If this is true, it took their collective minds that long to see that Peace and Love wasn't working and that the only way for anything to go their way was at gunpoint/swordpoint.

After he was nearly killed by his son, he was placed on the golden throne and hasn't been able to move for the past few millenia, it's been said by most of the fluff that his existence on a day-to-day basis since then was a living hell (In comparison, the process of making astropaths would be like a trip to the dentist.) it's literally the mother/father/uncle/2nd Cousin of all mindfucks, so bad that even a Inquisitor would likely go insane as a result (or anybody else for that matter) and yet he continues.. why? He maybe the universe's most powerful vegetable but that doesn't mean that he can just sit down and die, oh no it's exactly the opposite, it gives him a shitload of work to do, along with being the lighthouse of the warp guiding the Imperial Navy, he also needs to make the aforementioned astropaths, as well as keeping all the nasties of the warp where the're supposed to be and not spilling over into reality and make the lives of all human beings miserable. He also does it for the good of man. (sounds kinda familiar, don't it?)

"The Emperor was a brilliant scientist, a powerful warrior, and great psyker, but he was a terrible father..."

-Roboute Guilliman, Primarch of the Ultramarines, telling it like it is.

The Emperor's list of Things to do after Resurrection

This section has been improved by your local Commissar. +Amplus Palma Pro Terra!+

1. Get better power armor.
2. Wipe out the Imperium.
3. Rebuild the Imperium to it's former glory so it is not fucktarded like it is now.
4. Make peace with the Tau and trade technology with them then kill them afterwards for being Xenos.
5. Make peace with the Eldar and trade technology with them then wipe them out afterwards for being foul Xenos.
6. Pacifiy the Orks and keep them alive for galdator sports or target pratice for the Space Marines.
7. Put the Dark Eldar in Rehab then eliminate them afterwards for being treacherous Xenos.
8. Wipe out the C'tan.
9. Wipe out the Necrons.
10. Purge Chaos from the universe and seal the Eye of Terror.
11. Tell the Sisters of Battle they can have sex with men and not to be paedophiles anymore or be dyke lezbos.
12. Teach the Commisars NOT to kill the Guardsmen they're leading! Commend the Commissars on a job well done.
13. Marry Macha and fuck the Eldar out of her! Then have 40,000 babies with her!!!!!!!!!! -Deemed as #1 Priority by Creed and the Blood Ravens (particularly by Gabriel Angelos and Indrick Boreale.)
    (wait, how did Creed get in here and scribble on my to-do list? CREEEEEEEEEED!)
14. NOM NOM the Tyranids without salsa!
15. Further expand the Warhammer 40K storyline without the interference of Games Workshop.
16. Destroy the enemies of the Imperium...WITH FIRE! Let the Galaxy burn if needed.
17. Teach the Imperial Guard generals some actual tactics other than sending thousands of Guardsmen to take a hill outpost.
18. Tell the Adeptus Mechanicus to stop keeping secrets. and threaten to exterminatus Mars if they don't.
19. Replace the Imperial Guardsmen Flashlights Lasguns with something that can actually do shit! Guardsmen with Pulse Rifles HELL YEA!!!!!
20. Gather every Guardsman, Astartes, Inquisition dudes, Sororitas, Commissars.. heck everyone in the Imperium of Man, give them weapons, have them surround the Eye of Terror and then let the Greatest of all Holy shitstorms ensue.
21. Personally execute Fulgrim, Pertutabo, Agaron and the rest of them traitor Primarchs.. after the Inquisition have given them a proper torturing.
22. Beat Khorne in an arm wrestling match, then rip his arm off and beat him to death with it!
23. Show Slaneesh my dick and watch as he kills himself because of envy!
24. Beat Nurgle in a farting contest. Then throw him in a car wash in a convertible with the top down!
25. Devise a scheme so elaborate and complex that I'll be the one to say "Just as planned" to Tzeench.
26. Outdick Eldrad. Then screw his daughter in front of him! Again!
27. Issue a order to the Inquisition and the Commissariat that Porn is not Heresy. However, fantasizing about porn is giving in to excess so it's still heresy; all porn is to be given to your local Commissar for review.
28. Go back in time and tell the dumb fuck at Games Workshop who fucked up the 5th Edition of Codex Astarties that "He's doing it wrong.", the dude to made the Imperial Guard better that "He's doing it right." then go to the guy who decided to give the Guard flashlights and take him to the Inquisition to be properly tortured.
29. Recognize /tg/ for it's awesomeness. then wipe it off the face of Holy Terra for spawning half of the heresies we know today.
30. Permit Space Marines and Sisters of Battle to date. to breed and create an incorruptible warrior race that will serve in his my name. Well, the Astartes are call themselves my Sons, and the Sororitas say they're my Daughters... maybe this plan is a wee bit awkward? But I want grandkids and the last time I was a dad, my son Horus went and ruined Christmas for everybody.
    
31. Rename the Sisters of Battle to "Step-Daughters of the Emperor" or adopted daughters or something. They technically are not related to me the way the Astartes Primarchs are, and I don't want my boys to be too squicked... unless they're into that kind of kinky!
32. Be a better father to the rest of my sons, as not to spark another shitstorm that will inevitably cripple me for another few millenia.
33. Go on a deer-hunting trip with some Vindicare and kill bag more kills than him using an Exitus Rifle.
34. Overshadow an Eversor Assassin during his dynamic entry.
35. Deceive a Callidus Assassin with disguises and trick her into having a romantic relationship with me.
36. Outbrood a Cullexus Assasin and still remain awesome.
37. Deceive the C'tan false God "The Deceiver" by tricking him into destroying the Necrons.
38. Find out what if anything is chasing the Tyranids and see if they're friendly. If not: Launch the prototype promethium planetary bombardment torpedo.
39. Torture that sorry excuse for a Spess Mehreen Indrick Boreale for giving him the blasphemous nickname of "Emprah."
40. Once again outdick Eldarad in the game of his choice, forcing him to ragequit.
41. Make a better emergency life support system as a safeguard if things for some reason go south. (By that I mean make some kinda Emperor Dreadnought or some shit like that so he can still do his job instead of being the decaying corpse on some tricked out toilet worshiped by the entire population of sane man.)
42. Outright skullfuck Slaaanesh for making something so good be so wrong and heretical.

Gallery

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  The Emperor protects man from all.

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  Son, I am disappoint.

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  THE EMPEROR IS NOT A WOMAN!

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  The Emperor is an inter-dimensional being.

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  Just imagine if the Chaos Gods didn't scatter the primarchs through out the galaxy.

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  He might be the most powerful Psychic vegetable in the universe but the Custodes can't give him a decent hygine program

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  Oh God-emperor, how did this get here? I am not good with computers.

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  Emperor rule 63! NO EXCEPTIONS!

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  Not so divine now, is he?

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  Search your feelings, you know it to be true.

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  Death is no excuse to stop bein' pimp