Space Marines

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Aspect Warriors wish they were this badass.

The Space Marines (canonically named the Adeptus Astartes, which is probably derived from somewhat ancient greek 'Astarta' which is a name for Babylonian goddes Istar, who was amongst other things, such as war and fertility, goddess of ghey loev) account for over 21.4% (yeah, I thought that was a pretty conservative estimate too) of playable armies in the Warhammer 40k universe, and as of October, 2010, receive about 50% of new releases. They are genetically engineered supersoldiers clad in powered armor, and are generally regarded as the toughest warriors to ever serve the Emperor (except for Adeptus Custodes and Imperial Assassins). The average Space Marine is around eight feet tall (they used to be seven feet in the old fluff but Dan Abnett and the rest of Games Workshop have a hard-on for gigantism so they jacked them up a foot), has bones that can repel present-day small arms fire, can breathe toxic fumes with little to no damage to their respiratory system, and lives for hundreds of years. They are vastly more powerful in their official descriptions than they actually are in the Warhammer 40,000 tabletop game (although the Marines statted in Dark Heresy or Rogue Trader are walking rapemachines, and the PC marines in Deathwatch are hard as nails).

History

After the end of the Age of Strife, the Emperor wanted to re-unite humanity in a Great Crusade, and he realized that he needed an army and generals. He created the Primarchs, his sons, to be his generals, and from their DNA, he created the first Space Marines. Their first task was to find their Primarchs, because the Gods of Chaos had scattered the Primarchs across the galaxy. All of the Primarchs were later recovered and re-united with their Legions, but by the current time in the setting, however, all the Primarchs that did not fall to Chaos during the Horus Heresy have either been killed or disappeared, and none remain as leader of the legion. In addition, after the Heresy, the legions were mostly split into smaller chapters of up to a thousand marines according to the teachings of the Codex Astartes (although some Chapters, such as the Space Wolves and the Black Templars, do not follow Astartes orthodoxy and maintain forces in much greater numbers).

Time to dust off the ol' vagi....oh wait. HERESY! FEMALE ASTARTES, HERETICAL OR NOT, DO NOT EXIST! *BLAM!* *BLAM!* *BLAM!* HERESY!!!Anything is possible with Chaos™

They are most commonly looked upon as warrior-monks, generally referring to each other as "Brother", "Battle Brother" or some variation thereof based on rank, spending most or all of their time training, in battle, or worshipping the Emperor. However, no two chapters are exactly alike, and many differ wildly from the standard perception of the marines. The Space Wolves, as one example, appear to be much less disciplined than most other chapters, maintaining a much larger force than permitted by the Codex and frequently having great feasts with much merriment and drinking (the Space Wolves happening to produce the only intoxicating beverage known to have any effect on marine physiology, and probably kills ordinary humans). Space Wolf players are nearly all metalheads with a number of insecurities relating to their latent homosexuality. Who told Matt Ward about this page? Their attitude to the others in the Imperium can also differ much from chapter to chapter or even marine to marine. Some are very idealistic, believing very strongly in their role as protectors of humanity (such an example would be the Celestial Lions or the Salamanders). Others, like the Black Templars, tend to disregard the ordinary elements of the Imperium, and emphasize much more their role as a weapon against its enemies.

Their attitude to the Emperor can also vary. Although they are typically believed to worship him as a deity like most of the rest of the Imperium, the Space Marines are, by virtue of their gene-seed derived from the Primarchs and hence the Emperor himself, much closer to the Emperor than most. In fact many of the Space Marine chapters believe maintain some of the old Imperial Truth that the Emperor was not a god, but the greatest of mortal men, worthy of praise and veneration. Although it is true that the majority of the chapters certainly venerate him in an orthodox manner, others just scream his name a lot because that's tradition.

Space Marine Wargear is rather flashy and with Papa Smurf, he's like the biggest pimp in the galaxy.

Space Marines are generally regarded as having something of an "unfair advantage" in the tabletop, mainly because every young 40k player has a strong liking for them, and almost every unit in the listings has at least a 3+ armor save, making them rather hard to kill, especially when considering armies such as the Blood Angels, which have models that allow players to roll an additional "Feel No Pain" 4+ save if they fail the 3+ one. The Ultramarines in particular are an extremely popular choice of Space Marine chapter, and their blue design coupled with the small size of the miniatures often leads to them being referred to as "Smurfs". Thanks to Indrick Boreale, the Space Marines in general are frequently called "Spess Mehreens", or variations to that effect.

The Space Marines of today look very different from the glory days of Rogue Trader, where they earned the nickname beakie for their respected and loved helmets.

Also, contrary to popular belief, Chaos Spess Mehreens are better then their non-heretical counterparts - better at failing (I'm looking at you, Abaddon) and making memes (SIINDRI and TEH METAL BOXES) that is...

Denizens of /tg/ are prone to claiming a wide variety of things about the Space Marines, usually about their sexual activity (or lack of it), ranging from assertations that the genitalia of a Space Marine is nonfunctional to claims that they are castrated during the creation process. They never have any supporting evidence for these theories and it is not clear whether or not Space Marines are allowed to have sex, which chapters would allow them to have sex, if they even can have sex, if they're still capable of normal human reproduction if they can have sex and are allowed to have sex, or what bits they may or may not still possess. Still, that doesn't stop anyone from stating their personal opinion as if it were fact.

There is also the debate on weither or not they are biologicaly immortal which has both been confirmed and denied in the novels but never brought up in the codice. Both Dan Abnett and Graham McNeill though claim that they are indeed immortal but that they still visibly age (wrinkles, graying hair etc), it should be noted that their age is only skin deep and that they are in just as good physical condition as when they first became Astartes.

Creation

Knowing just what the fuck was waiting for humanity in space, the Emperor of Mankind designed the gene-seed, nineteen special organs to further enhance the regular human body to keep the Space Marines going when fighting these monstrosities. Over a series of several years, human adolescents, dubbed Aspirants, are selected through a rigorous process which varies by Chapter to Chapter.

When their training goes to the next stage, the Aspirants are implanted with the initial gene-seed. They then become Neophytes, Space Marines in training. As the gene-seed is implanted into them, the Neophytes also go through hypnotic conditioning to hone their responses. By the time they're done, the subject has few impulses beyond fighting and killing in the name of the Emperor (it's sometimes thought that this is what kills their sex drive) and most of their memories of their earlier lives are all but forgotten.

After receiving all these organs and conditioning, it's highly arguable if a Space Marine still qualifies as human. Though the Imperium of Man has basic "kill on sight" orders for non-humans, the topic of Space Marines being violations of this edict are ignored as they were designed by the Emperor and thus considered holy creations (not to mention the more realistic problem of declaring war on the only thing standing between them and the Chaos Gods).

Official /tg/ Space Marine Chapters

THE RAPE TRAIN HAS NO BRAKES!!!

One of /tg/'s favorite pastimes is creating new and exciting chapters of the Adeptus Astartes based on silly concepts. /tg/'s homebrew chapters include:

As you can see, /tg/ has a problem with creativity.

Second Wave of /tg/ Space Marine Chapters

After the release of Deathwatch: Rites of Battle, /tg/ quickly flung itself at the chapter creation rules and began to produce a second wave of /tg/ chapters. Noticably more serious business then the previous chapters, these Spess Mahreens range from the widely popular Emperor's Nightmare, to the derpy Flesh Helms.

The second wave WOULD show improvements to creativity... If they didn't use a RPG system as a crutch.

GW Space Marine Chapters

We honestly can't tell whether this is a dude or a chick so you'll just have to make a guess and face the consequences

Space Marine Chapter Masters

Rivalries

  • Ultramarines and the Word Bearers - The Ultramarines are pissed off of the Word Bearers about a great many things: 1) They Turned traitor 2) They sent millions of ts as meat shields during the battle of maccrage, which the Ultramarines saw as dishonorable and Disgusting 3) They almost destroyed Maccrage 4) They still hold a grudge leading back to the Horus Heresy where they were defeated and humiliated and 5) They hate them for being smurfs.
  • Ultramarines and the Alpha Legion - The Alpha Legion led the Ultramarines halfway across the Galaxy on a fool's errand that ultimately ensured they were nowhere near the Imperial Palace during the Horus Heresy. Adding insult to injury, they inflicted enormous casualties on the Ultramarines, and though they succeeded in killing Alpharius, the Alpha Legion's command structure was so decentralized that it did little to affect them.
  • Ultramarines and the Black Templars (also the Imperial Fists, the Crimson Fists, the Space Wolves, and the Salamanders) - When Robute Guilliman tried to force the Codex Astartes on the Space Marine legions after the Horus Heresy, some legions - most notably the Imperial Fists - outright refused, not wanting their legions to be broken down into smaller chapters. Rogal Dorn called Guilliman a coward, while Guilliman called Dorn a rebel. The Space Wolves and the Salamanders ended up backing Dorn, while the Raven Guard and the White Scars supported Guilliman. The rivalry became so intense that the Imperial Navy even fired on the Imperial Fist strike cruiser Terrible Angel, and it seemed that the Space Marines would war with one another again. Finally, Rogal Dorn yielded to prevent another war and broke his legion into the Black Templars and the Crimson Fists. As the Ultramarines still were wary of the loyalties of the Imperial Fists and their successors, Sigismund - the first Emperor's Champion and the man that Dorn had appointed to be the Black Templars chapter master - declared a 10,000 year crusade in the Emperor's name to prove their loyalty. Even though tensions have since cooled between the Ultramarines and the other chapters, the Ultramarines are still suspicious about (read: sticking their nose into the business of) the Black Templars as they still refuse to conform to the Codex Astartes, and won't tell the Ultramarines just how huge their chapter is. In short, Sigismund and Leman Russ told Guilliman where he can shove his Codex Astartes, and he's all anal pained about it.
  • Blood Angels and the World Eaters - Both constantly compete for the superiority of melee combat and also the angriest motherfucking berserker full of rage.
  • Blood Angels and the Black Legion (possibly) - Considering that Horus killed their Primarch Sanguinius (who, before the Heresy, were closer than any other Primarch) which resulted in them suffering from the Red Thirst and the Black Rage, the Blood Angels probably despise the Black Legion to the point of pure obsession.
  • World Eaters and the Grey Knights - Angron was banished back to the Warp by Grey Knights during the first battle of Armageddon, which resulted in the World Eaters defeat. Angron has since been resurfacing, and has sworn revenge.
  • Raven Guard and the Black Legion - The Raven Guard were the hardest hit by the Istvaan V massacre. Though all of the traitor legions were involved, the Raven Guard holds a special hatred for the former Luna Wolves and Horus, a hatred which has transferred over to Abaddon and the Black Legion.
  • Imperial Fists and the Iron Warriors - Imagine their rivalry akin to World War I. The Imperial Fists are the brits who love making defenses, while the Iron Warriors are the Germans who also love making defenses but also love destroying stuff. Also, Perturabo hated Rogal Dorn for being Daddy's golden boy and his constant boasting of the fortifications of the Imperial Palace. Perturabo eventually bested Dorn and the Imperial Fists by making a huge space fortress that Dorn then tried to attack in an effort to bring Perturabo to justice. Inside the fortress was nothing but inwardly-faced gunlines, meaning the entire thing was a trap and wound up cutting down enormous numbers of the Imperial Fists before they could retreat. Perturabo, naturally, found this fucking hilarious.
  • Thousand Sons and the Space Wolves - The Space Wolves despised the Red Sorcerers for their practice of magic, and didn't question a goddamned thing after Horus had intentionally given the Wolves incorrect orders (to destroy the Thousand Sons, as opposed to talking Magnus down). Suffice to say, the Space Wolves caused colossal damage to the Thousand Sons, and in the process, destroyed one of the largest depositories of knowledge in the entire fucking Imperium, including a huge amount of information that would have helped the Imperium better fight off its enemies. Horus' dick move forced the Thousand Sons to eventually turn to Tzeentch just to survive. Though the Wolves' offense devastated the Sons, the Legion would nonetheless resurface to cause considerable damage to the Space Wolves: they led a siege on their homeworld and succeeded in causing considerable damage before being driven off. During this offensive, they managed to destroy a series of laboratories, including one that held an entire generation worth of the Space Wolves' Gene-Seed, and Magnus himself was responsible for killing the Space Wolves' chapter-master.
  • Iron Hands and the Emperor's Children (possibly) - Considering that Fulgrim killed Ferrus Mannus (who, before Fulgrims betrayal, were VERY close friends), the Iron Hands did not take kindly about that.
  • World Eaters and The Emperor's Children - In addition to following rival deities, the Emperor's Children lost huge numbers of troops to the World Eaters at Skalthrax. Really, all you need to know is that Kharn and a Flamer were involved, and that before this incident, the World Eaters were a much more coordinated warband.
  • Dark Angels and Fallen Angels - Do not get between them and a member of their chapter that fell to Chaos. It can only end in tears.
  • Thousand Sons and World Eaters: Khorne hates sorcery, and so the World Eaters hate the Sons. Sadly for the World Eaters, they're usually well out of the Sons' league; the Thousand Sons tend to pick conflicts selectively, which means the followers of Khorne have rarely even had the chance to fight them.
  • Blood Ravens and EVERYONE: Apart from Captain Titus of the Ultramarines, almost every Marine Chapter mentioned in having contact with the Blood Ravens have not been on good terms. Most likely due to their rampant kleptomania. This animosity extends beyond the Space Marines, and into the rest of the Imperium as well; Imperial Guard forces hate them for exterminating the Kronus Liberators, and the Inquisition doesn't like them for their secrecy.

Dis mah hamma...

Bros To the End

As there are several chapters and legions who despise one another, there's a few that get along damned well.

Raven Guard, Salamanders, and Iron Hands - True since the great crusade, where these three found they worked extremely well in-concert - The Raven Guard acting as the advance and cutting off critical locations and eliminating command units, the Salamanders in providing the heavy punch to follow this up, and the Iron Hands providing the tide of firepower to support both. Though they're nowhere near as often seen together in this era of grim darkness, they are tacitly known to be on good terms with each other and will cheerfully unite if able.

Space Wolves and Dark Angels - Lion'el Johnson and Leman Russ didn't like one another, fought a lot, and had a typically adversarial brotherly relationship after Johnson killed a planetary governer that insulted Russ. After a particularly nasty fist-fight over it, the two became fast friends and rivals. Though the Space Wolves and Dark Angels have a never-ending bout of one-upsmanship with one another, it's mostly good-hearted and they can usually count on one another's support.

Blood Angels and Imperial Fists - Both fought and died in the defense of the Imperial Palace. Broforce = very yes.

Other specializations of Space Marines

I'm in ur w0mb, fertulizan yo eggz

Guidelines of the Space Marines

0. Thou shall have no other lords save the Emperor. Except for thy Primarch. And thy Chapter Master. And the Chaplains. And the Captains as well. All right, you'll have lots of lords, but the Emperor shall be first among them.

1. Thou shalt not refer to the Adeptus Sororitas as "Bolter bitches," nor shalt thou go anywhere near our sisters during the time of their "Red Rage," lest thou wishes to be the first human to enter orbit without the aid of a shuttle.

2. Thou shalt not comment on the odd shape of the Inquisitor's head.

3. Thou shalt not do "wheelies" or "donuts" on thine bike.

4. Thou shalt not have a "kegger" on the eve of battle, thus making yourselves less effective on the morn.(Does not apply to Space Wolves)

5. Thou shalt not refer to the Almighty Emperor as "The Righteous Dead Dude."

6. Orks are not "cute!"

7. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Imperial Guard's weapons.

8. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino transports as "pimp wagons," nor shalt thou use the phrase, "If the Rhino be rockin', don't come a knockin'."

9. The Chapter Master is not a "drag".

10. Thou shalt not check to see if your bolt pistol is loaded by looking down the barrel!

11. Thou shalt not go on panty raids into Sister of Battle monasteries.

12. Thou shalt not use thy scope for anything outside of battle. Anyone caught using them to spy out life mates shalt lose privileges.

13. Do not sell thy extra organs on the Black Market.

14. Though it is entertaining, thou shalt not wave a fly swatter near the Tyranid fleets.

15. Thou shalt not use thy chainsword as a backscratcher.

16. Thou shalt not use thy pistol as a q-tip.

17. Thou shalt not attempt to imitate heathen noise marines with "heavy metal" or "death metal" through thy com-speakers.(Only permitted if aforesaid music venerates the God-Emperor)

18. Although tempting, do not attempt to give a Tau a "high-five”.

19. Thou shalt not laugh at how small IG men are.

20. Thou shalt not bend to the will of nerds playing war games, and act upon your own free will.

21. Thou shalt not tap the glass on the Dreadnought.

22. Thou shalt not feed the Orks.

23. Thou shalt not transmit images of unclothed Sisters through the Astropaths.

24. Thou shalt not advertise on thine armour.

25. Thou shalt not wave fake skulls at the Berserkers.

26. Thou shalt not wave a red flag near a Chaos Dreadnought.

27. Thou shalt not tape pictures to your armour.

28. Thou shalt not release spiders inside the dreadnought.

29. Thou shalt not use thy bolter to kill bees.

30. Thou shalt not sniff warp fumes.

31. Thou shalt eat thy rations.

32. Thou shalt not steal thy commander’s dinner.

33. Thou shalt not take the Predator for a walk.

34. Thou shalt not use the land raider to pick up chicks.

35. Thou shalt beware of strange noise in back of thy land raider.

36. Thou shalt guard thy bolter when camping with Imperial Guard.

37. Thou shalt not use bug bomb against the 'nids.

38. Thou shalt not play Internet games with Tzeentch.

39. Thou shalt not e-mail the Emperor.

40. Thou shalt not e-mail the Emperor spam.

41. Thou should beware of thy Lictor behind cardboard bushes.

42. Terminators and glue do not mix.

43. Thou shalt not spray paint armour to make it look cool.

44. Thou shalt not have water gun fights with lasguns. (The Guard needs them.)

45. Thou shalt not juggle power weapons.

46. Thou shalt not hide video links in the Sisters of Battle's monastery.

47. Grenades are not water balloons.

48. Thou shalt not use insect repellent against Tyranids.

49. Thou shalt not use waterguns against Necron.

50. Thou shalt not urinate on the Iron Halo.

51. Daemons are not your friends.

52. Barney the Dinosaur is not your friend.

53. Barney is a heretic.

54. Barney merchandise are simply prohibited.

55. Barney is not a Tyranid.

56. Digimon are not in the 40K universe. Really.

57. Digimon are not affiliated with the Necron.

58. Pokemon are not Digimon!

59. Pokemon are not fun to play with.

60. Thou shalt not steal candy from babies/orks/gretchin/Commissars.

61. Don’t play “Truth or Dare” with Sisters.

62. Don’t play “Spin the Bottle” with Sisters.

63. Don’t play “Hangman” with the Inquisitor or Berserker.

64. Thou shalt ignore strange voices in your head.

65. Thou shalt not put a cork in the Inquisitors pistol.

66. Thou shalt not use the Lasgun as a flashlight.

67. Thou shalt not hide the Land Raider in a lake.

68. The Land Raider is not a hotel room!

69. Spiking the beer is forbidden.

70. Shotguns are not practice guns.

71. Lasguns don’t make cool disco lights for your party.

72. Pixie wings are not jump packs.

73. Thou shalt not replace the Librarians staff with a "Magician’s Wand”

74. Thou shalt not tip the Terminators over during battle.

75. Thou shalt not attempt to kill Tyranids with Mortein.

76. Thou shalt not do it to @#%$.

77. Thou shalt not do it to Nurgle (who would?)

78. Thou shalt not refer to Lasguns as torches.

79. Guard will not be referred to as 'spotlighters'

80. ‘Murder in the dark’ is prohibited when Chaos forces are captured.

81. Thou shalt not make fun of Chaos’ rusty Power Armour. (We need someone decent to fight with)

82. Thou shalt not do Spock impersonations around Eldar.

83. Don’t give ‘Fairy wings to Eldar’

84. Thou shalt not make liposuction jokes around Eldar.

85. Thou shalt not return books late.

86. Thou shalt not trade thine bike for a skateboard.

87. Thou shalt not ignore the Chaplain as he recites the tales of Spot the Dog.

88. Putting corks into the engines of a Landspeeder is not funny.

89. C-3P0 is not a Necron ambassador.

90. Darth Vader isn’t the son of Abaddon.

91. Thou shalt not stay awake after “lights out” unless expressly ordered.

92. Thou shalt not use the sentinel Powerlifter as a babe-magnet for the sisters.

93. If thou lose thine hand you shalt not nab one off the Imperial Guard.

94. Thou shalt not waterfight with civilians.

95. “It makes a funny noise” is not an excuse for punching Imperial Guardsmen.

96. “He started it” is not an excuse for punching Imperial Guardsmen.

97. Thou shalt not get a Sister intoxicated for thy own pleasures.

98. Thou shalt not play monster with Orks.

99. Thou shalt not taunt a Dreadnought within reach of his foot by calling him "The Tin Man" from “Wizard of Oz”.

100. Thou shalt not harass the servitors even if they won’t notice.

101. Thou shalt not have an ice cream Superfantasical Day.

102. Thy name is not GiX.

103. Thou shalt not smoke/inhale/inject illegal pharmaceuticals into thy holy body even though your advanced physiological structure could probably withstand the effects.

104. Thou shalt not put "Ecstasy" in the punch when Battle Sisters arrive for a formal meeting with the Chapter's Authorities.

105. Thou shalt not practice vampiric tendencies despite your urge to do so.

106. Thou shalt not howl when the Chapter Master bends over. (Full Moon Out Tonight!)

107. Thou shalt not dare others to eat that squiggly thing.

108. Thou shalt not comment on being a better shot then the inquisitor.

109. The chaplain is not too preachy.

110. Gambling for grots is not allowed.

111. Thy sergeant is not a pudgy faggot.

112. Thou shalt not smack the Sister’s butt and then wink at her.

113. The lab research Tyranids are not for emergency rations.

114. Thou shalt not take the emperor titan for a spin.

115. Thou shalt not use a flamer to cook a whole cow and leave none for the others.

116. Thou shalt not set fly strips outside your tent in a Tyranid war zone.

117. Thou shalt not wear Lord Commander Dante's Death Mask (or any Death Masks at all for that matter) on Halloween, any other masquerade parties or for fun, when not in battle!

118. Thou shalt not try to see how much a Death Company marine can take (physical and/or psychical)!

119. Thou shalt not put "tags" on the Holy Shrouds and/or Banners or write on it in anyway at all.

120. Rico’s Roughnecks are not real.

121. Thou shalt not over-charge thou bike!

122. Thou shalt not use the over-charged engines for "drag-racing"!

123. Thou shalt not have a Blood-party (as in tea-party) with Mephiston during battle!

124. Thou shalt not play "no blinking" with Mephiston!

125. Thou shalt not give Tycho an Ork for his Birthday (or any day at all for that matter, or speak to him about Orks).

126. Thou shalt not release Morriar from his restraints or tap in his vital liquids!

127. Thou shalt not ask the Sanguinary Priest for something to drink!

128. Thou shalt obey these 10 commandments! (Isn't it hard counting when being a scout?)

129. Thou shalt not use thy Jump Packs to "fry your dinner"!

130. Thou shalt not use thy Jump Packs to get “KFC” or “Macca’s”.

131. Thou shalt not kill each other because "thou are the real Sanguinius".

132. Thou shalt not make wounds to resemble the wounds of thy mighty Primarch... the Chaplain paint these on your armour!

133. Thou shalt not "make bunny-ears" with thy fingers behind the Chaplain whilst he gives battle-orders.

134. Thou shalt not indulge in squig-eating contests.

135. Thou shalt not fake death in order to get blood from the Sanguinary Priests.

136. Thou shalt keep thou armour on, although thou might think thou are invincible, thou DO need thy armour!

137. Thou shalt not fall asleep whilst the Chaplain is in prayer.

138. Thou shalt not use thy weapons upon thyself, thou still can get hurt.

139. Thou shalt not jump out in front of the Rhino to get into the fight whilst still in motion...wait for orders to disembark!

140. Thou shalt look both ways before crossing the street.

141. Thou shalt not try to "steal" assaults away from battle-brothers....they are allowed some fun too!

142. Thou shalt not use thy multi-meltas to light campfires. (In a similar manner, thou shalt not use the Terminator Captain's chainfist to open tins of baked beans)

143. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Tyranid's mighty One-Eyed monster (eye, pirate matey... guk!).

144. Thou shalt not mistake the Harlequin's Kiss for some fruity clown prank.

145. Thou shalt not light cigarettes near the Hellhounds.

146. Thou shalt not bribe the Inquisitor to bring down Exterminatus on your ex-wife.

147. Genestealers ARE NOT trying to rob you of your denim trousers.

148. Thou shalt not chase thy Gretchen with a fork.

149. Thou shalt not call the firearms of the Imperial Guard “Sega Lock-Ons”.

150. Thou shalt not call the Adeptus Arbites “pigs” or “the filth”.

151. Thou shalt not place buckets of water over the Inquisitors door.

152. Inquisitors are not “Nigel no-friends”

153. Thou shalt not use thy laser sight to blind Imperial Guard.

154. Thou shalt not remove the Imperial Guards power packs from their Lasguns while they are asleep.

155. Thou shalt not play “frisbee” with a Tau Shield Drone.

156. Remember: a Primarch is for life, not for Christmas.

157. Thou shalt not eat toast in your power armour (I'm not going to hoover the crumbs out of the toes again).

158. Thou shalt not put fridge magnets on thy power armour. (Even if you have been to Cornwall.)

159. Thou shalt not tune into FM rock on your intercom.

160. Thou shalt not put bananas in the commander's rhino's exhaust pipes.

161. Thou shalt not hang "Pine Fresh" on Moriar (even if he is a bit ripe by now!)

162. Scented Pine Trees hanging off Rear Vision mirrors in favour of the Dice, is now prohibited.

163. Thou shalt not offer to clean the sister's armour whilst they change.

164. Thou shalt not use Power weapons or Chain-weapons to cut your food.

165. Thou shalt remove the batteries from weapons to put in your RC toys.

166. Thou shalt not swap the salt and pepper.

167. Thou shalt not play "I see, I see what you don't see" over the intercom during battles!

168. Thou shalt not "go out to get cigarettes" during prayers!

167. Thou shalt not make remarks about the physical appearance of Sisters.

168. Thou shalt not swap your battle-brothers gun with a waterpistol.

169. Thou shalt not participate in any intoxication (i.e. alcohol) contests with Imperial Guards.

170. Thou shalt not ask a Sister if her armour isn't too small.

171. Thou shalt not ask a Sister about her age.

172. “No” means “No”.

173. Thou shalt not ask a Sister if you might donate some of your own Gene-seed.

174. Thou shalt not make cat-sounds when Sisters argue.

175. Thou shalt refer to Sister Supreme as 'Mistress'.

176. Thou shalt not refer to Ork Dreadnoughts as 'garbage bins'.

177. Thou shalt not make funny noises during a speech/prayer.

178. Thou shalt not "play shooting range" with Gretchen’s.

179. Thou shalt not brag about how many you've killed with a Dark Eldar.

180. Thou shalt not write or "put tags" on vehicles and/or armour.

181. Thou shalt not use Servitors to catch your paper.

182. Thou shalt not play "fetch" with Tyranids using grenades.

183. Thou shalt not yell “catfight!” when Sisters argue.

184. Thou shalt not press the buttons in a demolisher tank.

185. Thou shalt not hum cartoon theme songs when around the Tau (like Smurfs)

186. Thou shalt not refuse the Sisters your chocolate rations, especially during the time of their "Red rage".

187. Thou shalt never refer to the size of a Sisters rear armour.

188. Thou shalt always offer to rub a Sisters feet after battle. I need not explain why.

189. Thou shalt always carry thine universal remote control when facing Necrons.

190. Thou shalt never offer to sell your soul to the Dark Eldar for beer money. Not even in jest.

191. Thou shalt never ask a Daemonette for some "handiwork", else thou will have to join the Sisters.

192. Thou shalt not remind your commander how many times he has been slain by the badly-coloured Tyranid.

193. Thou shalt leave the plasma gun well and truly alone.

194. Thou shalt not play Russian roulette with automatic weapons. It doesn't work (or it does too well, actually).

195. Thou shalt not shave the Space Wolves while they are asleep .

196. Thou shalt not load the dice.

197. Thou shalt not move that extra little inch in movement phase.

198. Thou shalt not fire thy bolter at enemies you can't really see but at a leg sticking out of a building.

199. Thou shalt follow thy rulebook.

200. Thou shalt not make up rules.

201. Thou are not fearless... thou art fearless... ugh anyone got a codex?

202. Thou shalt not laugh at the t.

203. Thou shalt beware of bird poo when greater daemon of Tzeentch is around.

204. Thou shalt not throw soap at Nurglings.

205. Thou shalt not use penicillin-tipped bolts in your boltgun against Nurglings.

206. Thou shalt not waste thy 15 minutes free time trying to get laid.

207. Thou shalt beware of possessed 2-liter coke bottles.

208. Thou shalt not stare at feet during the battle march.

209. Thou shalt not aim at thy commanders back.

210. Thou shalt watch thy foot steps.

211. Beware of the drunken Leman Russ.

212. Thou shalt not binge drink with the Imperial Guard.

213. Thou shalt not challenge a Daemon Prince to a fist fight.

214. Thou art expendable.

215. Thou shalt look before thou leaps.

216. Thou shalt not bring your sack lunch to battle.

217. Thou shalt not use thy bike as a battering ram.

218. Thou shalt beware of potholes and speed bumps.

219. Lord Logan is not "Wolfie".

220. Seraphim do not want to join the "Mile High Club".

221. Spiky bits are not meant for hanging laundry on.

222. Ultra scout is not "little boy blue".

223. Never refer to the Canoness as "big momma".

224. Thou shalt not put “kick me” signs on thou brothers backs.

225. Thou shalt not nail Nurglings to the back of the rhino as fuzzy decorations.

226. Thou shalt not put itching powder in a Dreadnought.

227. Thou shalt not wink suggestively at Daemonettes.

228. Thou shalt not use can openers on Ork Dreadnoughts.

229. Thou shalt not replace the commissars' comm-link with a plasma grenade for a laugh.

230. Thou shalt not refer to armoured companies as agoraphobes.

231. Thou shalt not ask techmarines to put mag wheels on your bike.

232. Thou shalt not use a looted Terrorfex for Halloween.

233. Thou shalt not sneak into the rock while the Dark angels are asleep and discover that their secret is that all the high ranking angels wear dresses. Er... oops...

234. Thou shalt not invite babes back to the monastery.

235. Thou shalt not spike drinks with Sanguinius’ blood.

236. Thou shalt not step on Guardsmen and then say that you didn't see them.

237. Thou shalt not refer to Paul Sawyer as "The Great Unclean One".

238. Thou shalt not call a Dark Angel "Jessica Alba".

239. Thou shalt not give a Sister of Battle breast implants.

230. Neither shalt thou ask whether those “guns” are real or not.

231. Thou shalt never say anything about the Squats. Wait... OH SHIT!!!

232. Thou shalt not overheat a plasma gun for a college prank.

233. Thou shalt not give the Death Company caffeine.

234. Thou shalt not insult a Thousand Son about his privates.

235. Thou shalt not taunt a Space Wolf with a piece of steak.

236. Thou shalt not put a "kick me" sign on the Golden Throne.

237. Thou shalt not poop thy power armor.

238. Thou shalt not make mention of the irony that a Grot blaster is a Lasgun, only the Orks admit it is crappy.

239. Thou shalt not overclock thine Pentium and use it as a plasma weapon.

240. Thou shalt not intentionally overheat a plasma weapon and give it to an IG. (Hey thanks mate!... What’s that bleeping sound?... SPLAT)

241. Thou shalt not trip over Tau.

242. Thou shalt not attempt to steal a Tau's weapon "to give to the poor Guardsmen".

243. Thou shalt not moon the Tau in combat. They are good shots.

244. Thou shalt not invoke the wraith of conures. If you are foolish enough to do so, a conure the size of two to four titans shalt descend upon the table and inflict his wraith.

245. Thou shalt not attempt to borrow Tau stealth suits so that you might spy on the sisters in their quarters.

246. Thou shalt not attempt to rebuild a Necron as a washing machine.

247. Thou shalt not laugh at the poorly painted armies. (Haha look at that purple Tau!... Guk!)

248. Thou shalt not play “fetch” with a Kroot flesh-hound using a guardsman.

249. Thou shalt not go big game fishing for Manta Missile Destroyers.

250. Thou shalt not try to change the batteries on a Scarab.

251. Thou shalt not use the Blades of Reason to trim thy fingernails.

252. Thou shalt not feed the warp beasts.

253. Thou shalt not pet the Kroot hounds.

254. Thou shalt not ask the Sisters whether it's dyed or real.

255. Thou shalt not call Old One Eye "Surf and Turf".

256. Thou shalt not moonlight as a security guard if thine armour is red.

257. Thou shalt not use the Hellhound to cook thy rations.

258. Thou shalt not use thy power armour's vid-link to prank call the Imperial Guard storm troopers.

259. Thou shalt not sneak up on thy commanding officer, and yell "BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD" in his ear.

260. Thy bolter is not to be used to shoot cans off walls.

261. Thou shalt not steal the Land Speeder to "pick up Sisters".

262. The Leman Russ is not a kettle. Do not attempt to use it to make tea. Nor coffee.

263. Thou shalt not attempt to empty your waste-paper basket into an Ork Dreadnought.

264. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino as a "Clown Car", although thou might think it is.

265. When throwing thy holiest of His grenades always count to three, yes three, not one, for it is not the holiest of numbers, or two, for the holiness of two pales in comparison, but three, yes three, not one or two, unless thou shalt be proceeding to three.

266. Thou shalt not refer to the Machine Spirit as "Cruise Control".

267. Thou shalt not use blind grenades to sneak into the Sister's encampment.

268. Thou shalt not mention the name "Buffy" when near the Blood Angels.

269. Thou shalt not use Necron Scarabs as "Boogie Boards".

270. Thou shalt not call Harlequins “psychedelic” nor “groovy”

271. Thou shalt never show an army of orks more than two Harlequins at once.

272. Thou shalt never laugh at the laughing god.

273. Thou shalt never play “Hide and Seek” with Librarians or Inquisitors.

274. Thou shalt not play “tag” with Gaunts.

275. Thou shalt never tie power armour laces together.

276. Thou shalt never say "Resistance is futile" to the Adeptus Mechanicus.

277. Thou shalt never criticize the “paper boys” in the Adeptus Administratum.

278. Thou shalt not sell chapter property (e.g. battle barge, fortress monastery) on eBay.

279. Thou shalt not put a cork in thine battle brothers waste disposal outlet tube.

280. Thou should not "entertain" The Adeptus Sororitas in your billet.

281. Thou shalt not refer to Imperial Guardsmen as "Cannon fodder".

282. The Imperial Guard Colonel did not visit a fancy-dress shop.

283. The lasgun is not to be used to carve your name into the Land Raider's/ Predator's/ Rhino's/ Razorbacks/ Leman Russ's/ Titan's armour plating. (It won’t work anyway)

284. Thou shalt not lend Imperial Guardsmen your power armour or swap places for a day with Guardsmen.

285. Thou shalt not try to perform brain surgery wearing power armour.

286. Thou shalt not assume that because thy can take a bolter hit in the head, the Guardsman over there can too.

287. Thou shalt not use Tau shoulder pads as padding in games of cricket.

288. Thou shalt not hide the keys to the battle barge.

289. Thou shalt not call Ork Dreadnoughts/Killer Kans "R2-D2's big brother".

290. Thou shalt not threaten thy enemy with a "plasma enema" and thou shalt not carry out the act.

291. Thou shalt not flirt with the Banshee. They are the enemy.

292. Thou can not date a Dark Eldar Wych. They are the enemy too.

292. Thou shalt not steal the Battle Sisters makeup.

293. Thou shalt not try on the Battle Sisters armour to see if it compares to your own.

294. Thou shalt not make fun of Warp Spiders guns.

295. Thou shalt not take the Land Raider for a joy ride.

296. Thou shalt not perform dare devil stunts in the Rhino. Especially if thine brethren are in the back.

297. Thou shalt not hijack the Battle Sisters Immolator. Especially if there are any Battle Sisters still on board!

298. Thou shalt not add bits to thine armour to try to pass thyself off as a Battle Sister.

299. Thou shalt not try to dance with a Banshee on the field of battle.

300. Thou shalt not throw sticks for the Space Wolves.

301. Thou shalt not play “fetch” with the Space Wolf Commanders “pet” Fenrissian Wolves.

302. Thou shalt not keep a Tyranid as a pet.

303. Thou shalt not challenge a Carnifex to a game of “catch”.

304. Thou can not tie a Wraithlords laces together (they don't have any).

305. Thou shalt not call a Battle Sister “babe”.

306. Thou shalt not be envious of the IG unit who art friends to the Sister Famulous!

307. Thou shalt not steal the Tau pulse rifles, even if they are better than bolters.

308. Thou shalt not stick “Honk if you think I'm sexy” on the Sisters' Rhino.

309. Thou shalt not honk if thy sees a sticker saying “Honk if you think I'm sexy” on a Sister's Rhino.

310. Thou shalt not ask thy battle sister if they would like to slip into something more comfortable.

311. The hellhound is not something you put on a leash and take for "walkies".

312. Thou shalt not arm-wrestle with Tactical Dreadnoughts.

313. Thou shalt not watch whilst the battle sisters change out of their power armour.

314. Ork Warbosses are not toys, you can not try to pull their arms off and jump up and down on them.

315. Don't kick Grots.

316. Thou shalt not slice three toes off each foot of the Tau and see how well they walk.

317. Thou shalt not relieve thy self behind a tree during battle.

318. Thou shalt not go to thy Great Emperor and make him "perform an illegal operation and be shut down".

319. Thou shalt not wrestle thy battle sisters and try to "pin them down".

320. An Iron Halo is not a toy.

321. A tank is not a toy.

322. A Dreadnought is not a toy.

323. Thou shalt not jump on the back of a Dreadnought in battle and see how long thou can stay on.

324. Thou shalt not play toy soldiers with the Guardsmen.

325. The Space Hulk is not a wrestler.

326. Spiky bitz are not 'cool'.

327. Khorne is a Chaos God, not a food.

328. Thou shalt not use lightning claws as scissors.

329. Thou shalt not use power armour power points to plug in thy GameBoy.

330. Thou shalt not use hellions skyboards to impress the sisters.

331. Thou shalt not place a flashing light on top of the rhino so that it is easier to find in the car park.

332. If showing a tau how thy boltgun works thou will not give it to him the wrong way round.

333. A Necron is not a Mecano kit.

334. Nurglings are not over date.

335. Thou shalt not make unfunny, fucktarded lists.

336. Thou shalt not parody the 10 Commandments in anyway, shape or form. This fucked-up list is thus scheduled by a committee of Chaplains of all First Founding Chapters. Those responsible for it's conception and the insinuation of such Heresies on the part of the Adeptus Astartes shall be cleansed of their wickedness.

337. Thou shalt not use 'Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe'.

338. Thou shalt continue giving money to Games Workshop until thine wallet is empty.

339. Thou shalt ignore rules 336 and 337.

340. Thou shalt not use the orbital drop pods for burger runs.

341. Thou shalt buy from Crazy Hassan.

342. TAKBEER!

343. ALLAH-HU-AKBAR!

344. YE SHALT RESORT TO NEWER FORMS OF COMEDY. RATHER THAN INVOKING THE SAME IDIOTIC JOKE ABOUT SPACE MARINES AND SISTERS BEING CAPABLE OF HIGHSCHOOL-ESQUE FORNICATION AND GENERAL DOUCHEFAGGOTRY.

345. Thou shalt not put on rap music whenever a salamander is in sight.

346. Although tempting, Thou shalt not invite Night Lords to Imperial Halloween parties.

347. Thou shalt not ask the Iron Warriors to do road constructions.

348. Thou shalt not attend an Emperor's Children concert.

349. Thou shalt not use orbital bombardment command for fire works.

350. Thou shalt not attempt to tame a Space Wolf.

351. Thou shalt not refer to Rubric Marines as "Caspers".

352. Thee shalt stop writing this on the toilet stall's wall.

353. Thou shalt not use Skull Probes to "check the plumbing" in the Sisters of Battle shower rooms.

354. Profit

355. Thou shalt kill.

356. Thou shalt spill BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! *BLAM*

357. Thou shalt not refer to thy Salamander brethren as; 'niggers', 'blackies', 'slaves', 'monkeys', 'niggershits', 'homeboyz' nor 'shitskins'.

358. Provided thou art a Salamander thyself, thou may disregard rule 357 at thy discretion.

359. Thou shall not refer to the Emperor as 'My Undead Homeboy'

360. Thou shalt molest Matt Ward.

361. Thou shalt brutalize Matt Ward in the most gruesome and most painful way ever imaginable.

362. Thou shalt not anger Sly Marbo for he shalt rip thou head off.

363. Thou shalt not, although tempting, buttfuck the Daemonettes. Doing so is heresy!

364. Thou shalt not refer to the Blood Angels as the sparkling vampire marines. They are noble Astartes and deserve the respect such a distinction warrants.

365. Thou shalt not refer to the Chapter Master of the Ultramarines as "Papa Smurf" to his face. He is an honourable man and deserves your public respect. Wait until he is out of the room.

366. Thou shalt not have the Space Wolves declared excommunicate traitoris for being "furries". The High Lords of Terra have not deemed it punishable by death. Yet.

367. Thou shalt not determine the viability of a Dreadnought by poking him with a stick. He is thy battle-brother, and shall be treated with the respect warranted by such a distinction.

368. Thou shalt not play "I'll show you mine if you'll show me yours" with the Succubi; thou shalt surely lose "thine."

369. Thou shalt not challenge an Ork Boy to a shouting match, nor shalt thou challenge him to an insult contest.

370. Thou shalt not play "William Tell" with Nurglings.

371. Thou shalt not refer to the declare the Imperial Fists sexual deviants just because they sound German. They are Space Marines, and thus have no interest in sex.

372. Thou shalt not place a television before the Golden Throne on the grounds that "I'm giving the Emperor something to do". Signal reception is horrible that deep below the Imperial Palace, and fixing it will distract the Techpriests from the more important duty of keeping the Emperor alive.

373. Thou shalt not brofist a battle brother while wearing a Power Fist. Doing so results in an untidy mess.

374. Thou shalt not play "Nurgling Tennis", "Nurgling Volleyball", or "Nurgling Croquette".

375. Thou shalt not run crying to the Inquisition when your Captain defeats a demon prince single-handedly. That is why Librarians and Chaplains exist.

376. Thou shalt not follow orders from the inquisition.

377. Thou shalt give the high inquisitor a flying-turban wedgie

378. Thou shalt ignore Fucklaw's laser pointer. If he uses it on you, paint "SQUAD BROKEN" on the wall of his barracks in his blood.

379. Thou shalt not try to pawn Grey Knights' silver-flecked nemesis weapons for gambling money.

380. Thou shalt not declare in exclamation the words "And I'll form the Head!" to the Dreadknight.

381. Thou shalt NEVER deploy Vindicare assassins against female Eldar farseers.

382. Thou shalt not get into religion debate with Tau Ethereal.

383. Thou shalt not leave priceless irreplaceable Chapter relics lying around when battle brothers of the Blood Ravens are in the vicinity.

384. Thou shalt not exclaim loudly to the Inquisition that no one expects them.

385. Thou shalt ALWAYS expect the Emperor's Inquisition.

386. Thou shalt not put magnets on the Techpriests, for it makes them act funny.

387. Thou shalt not ask Commissar Raege if it's "that time of the month" every time she shouts at thee.

388. Thou shalt not steal Dreadnoughts from other Chapters. Yes, Chapter Master Angelos, that means you.

389. Thou shalt not give "Che" t-shirts to the Tau.

390. Thou shalt not antagonize thy brothers of the Angry Marines chapter. We already have enough trouble with them as it is.

See Also

FUUUUUUU-

External Links

Gallery

  • Steel Rain in action!

    Steel Rain in action!

  • Brick by brick we shall conquer

    Brick by brick we shall conquer

  • The scary thig is that this isn't fan art, seriously, this was an official GW product

    The scary thig is that this isn't fan art, seriously, this was an official GW product

  • Hump the heretic, penetrate the unclean, cum in the corrupt and impure

    Hump the heretic, penetrate the unclean, cum in the corrupt and impure

  • Salamander Space Marines training starts at a reasonably young age

    Salamander Space Marines training starts at a reasonably young age

  • Space Marine chicks...do they exist?

    Space Marine chicks...do they exist?

  • Yes, yes they do.

    Yes, yes they do.

  • Primarchs are the most popular girls at WH40K High

    Primarchs are the most popular girls at WH40K High

  • A rare glimpse at a Space Marine without his fuckretarded pauldrons on

    A rare glimpse at a Space Marine without his fuckretarded pauldrons on

  • Apparently, marines DO in fact have tiny heads

    Apparently, marines DO in fact have tiny heads

  • What historians didn't want you to believe

    What historians didn't want you to believe

  • Build a Marine Workshop

    Build a Marine Workshop

  • EEECK!

    EEECK!

  • Truth be told...

    Truth be told...

  • Don't fuck with Reasonable Marines

    Don't fuck with Reasonable Marines

  • Indrick Boreale nearly turned Space Marines into the laughing stock of the entire franchise.

    Indrick Boreale nearly turned Space Marines into the laughing stock of the entire franchise.

  • Space Marines as despicted during the dark ages of GW art (aka 2nd Edition)

    Space Marines as despicted during the dark ages of GW art (aka 2nd Edition)

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