Sisters of Cleaning
"Sir, Slaanesh just started crying."
"Just as planned."
The Sisters of Battle - paragons of faith and purity; violent points of light in the grim darkness of the far future. It is their god-given duty to ensure that mankind does not stray from the light of the Emperor. Having heretical thoughts, knowing forbidden knowledge or being unfortunate enough to have been born with a mutation or psychic powers is a sure fire way to get your ass purged. Also everyone living on your block, just to be sure. But despite their rigorous training - which puts even the toughest Imperial Guard regiment to shame - some sisters encounter an obstacle that even they feel they are unable to overcome. These self-damned few in their quest for absolution place themselves in squads known as the Sisters Repentia so that they may atone for their delusional sins. Ordinarily a Sisters Repentia squad finds absolution in death; its members don mere scraps of leather and chain eviscerators to their hands and then blindly charge the nearest enemy. As hilarious as it is to picture a bunch of semi-nude nuns bull rushing a carnifex or a baneblade through a hail of gunfire, it is, admittedly, a fucking manly way to die. But such was not the case with the /tg/-created order: the Sisters of Cleaning.
The Canoness of the order the Sisters of Cleaning belonged to found their purity wanting, their minds clouded by secret desires. Rather than let them work out their frustrations the usual way (e.g. lesbian sex, killing things with fire, etc...) the Canoness contacted a remote Guard outpost to inform them under Inquisitorial decree that they were to induct the repentia squad into their unit and break them of their temptations of the flesh however they saw fit. What was proposed was blatant. What resulted was unexplainable.
When the repentia squad arrived unsupervised at the outpost they were besieged by wanton, lusting males. Their clothing was ripped from their shivering bodies and muscular arms held their slender frames down.Their orifices were filled by the throbbing, virile manhood of every guard stationed there as they writhed helplessly underneath their attackers, unable to withdraw their invading flesh. No. None of this happened as they had secretly hoped. Instead they were met by a single guardsman who beckoned that they follow him. Thus, began their first assignment -- latrine duty.
Exactly the opposite of the lead character in a harem animoo, the SoC go about their daily duties as surrogate maids for the guardsmen, performing menial tasks such as unclogging toilets and fixing sandwiches all the while surrounded by hundreds of men who are utterly oblivious to any of their sexual advances. The running gag being that every situation they find themselves in is both ripe with equal parts sexual innuendo and sexual frustration. An example would involve one of the sisters bending over in front of some guardsmen to pick up bullet casings while exposing her feminine form to them -- only to dejectedly discover the hoots of adoration the men bellow are not directed at her but towards a military weapons magazine showcasing a shiny new storm bolter. Love doesn't bloom on this battlefield.
Eventually the sisters contact their Canoness to plea their case, that the guardsmen are just that -- guardsmen -- unflinchingly professional and loyal to a fault. They beg to be reinstated in the order which the canoness ultimately denies. She tells them that despite what they were *really* sent there for, they are still there as punishment. No matter how stiff it seems, or how hard it gets, they are to see it through to the bitter end. And there they remain; stationed in the middle of nowhere, sexually ignored, making sandwiches with their -4 Str and rooting out toilets instead of heresy. For the Emperor...
Anecedotes of the Sisters of Cleaning
Sister: "Sooo... heard any rumors about monsters lately?" Guard: "No." Sister: "Nothing? Well maybe your buddies said something about the Emperor? Something, y'know, blasphemous?" Guard: "Nope." Sister: "Oh, alright. Perhaps... you find your spirit wanting? Maybe you find that there is something you... desire?" Guard: "Not really." Sister: "You sure?! Because you can tell me! Haha! Haaa..." Guard: "Uh, well, can you make me a sandwich?" Sister: "..."
*Sister bends over to pick up some bullet casings while sweeping barracks* Guard 1: "Yeeeeah! I'd like to squeeze my hands around that!" *still bent over, the sister gasps* Guard 2: "You said it! My ammo belt'd wrap around that so hard..." *the sister blushes* Guard 3: "I'd haul that baby to the top of our rhino and mount it right there!" *the sister is now wet with anticipation* Sister: "Well if you want it so ba-" *she sees them looking at an ammo requisition form for a storm bolter, and dedjectedly starts weeping to herself*
Sister: "But, Canoness! T-these men aren't heretics! They're just... just... STUPID! Muscle-headed apes who are so preoccupied with guns and sandwiches that they wouldn't know a heretic if it walked up to them and spake of the Black Library!" Canoness: (over televox) "That's ENOUGH!" Sister: "B-but..." Canoness: "No buts! You and your sisters are there as punishment. No matter how stiff your punishment seems, or how hard it gets, you are to see it through to the bitter end. Is that understood?!" *the sister nods forelornly* Canoness: "Over and out." *an Imperial Guardsman comes in and begins to unbuckle his pants* Guard: "I'm glad I found you, sister. I have something for you." *sister's eyes widen* Guard: "My fatigues are torn. Can you stitch them up for me?" *the guard walks behind a filing cabinet, and tosses over his pants onto the sister's head* Guard: "Thanks." *sister twitches as she barely keeps from unholstering her bolter*
Guard: "Hey sister, could you please... grab my wiener?" Sister: *blushing* "Oh my! What a thing to ask of a sister! But, if you asked so politely, I have no choice but to accept..." Guard: "Thanks, it's in the fridge in the kitchen. I wrote my name on it." Sister: "..."
*two guardsmen stand a small distance from a sister* Guard 1: "Man, look at her neck's contour, I'd love to drill her. " *sisters ears perk up, pretends she didn't hear it* Guard 2: "Oh yeah, I can see that. And look at her chest. I bet she's a real screamer. You could probobly hear her from across the barracks when she gets going. " *Oh my goodness! Talking about such things in the open, they must be heretics! Now's my chance to get off this rock, and maybe get a little action on the way...* Guard 1: "It would be a lot more fun than drilling the other guards, that's for sure." *The other guardsmen? No wonder they're so cold to us girls! Oh the Canoness is going to love this!* Guard 2: "Yeah, anything would be an improvement over that." *Sister walks up to the two guards* Sister: "Hello boys, are you two talking about me? Remember I'm on order to do whatever you say, no matter what you ask me to do..." Guard 1: "We don't want to force you sister, but... if you're willing, how would you feel about... " Sister: "Yes? YES?" Guard 2: "...joining the local Drill Team? We need another singer, and from what I've heard you chant while you clean those toilets I think you're just what we need!"
The sister was moping the floor of the lockerroom, lamenting her station while quietly imploring the Emperor for some 'action'. Suddenly, as she hears the marching of dozens of footsteps, her eyes widen in anticipation. As the guardsmen hurry into the lockerroom, they all toss a pile of filthy fatigues on her before they can notice her. As she grumbles about not being able to see a damn thing, she digs her way out only to see the door to the showers slam shut. As she turns around to facepalm, the shower doors swing open and the guards throw their towels on top of her, again oblivious to her presence. She again digs her way out, to find the room empty. Thus, she weeps, and wonders why the Emperor would deprive her of even a fleeting voyeuristic pleasure.
*Sister grumbling as she works on her hands and knees behind a low wall weeding some plants* Guard 1: "Really? you are going to nail her good?" Guard 2: "Of course. Look at this wood. How can I not help but want to nail her good and hard?" *Sister's ears perk up, as she slowly looks over the wall* Sister: "How can I help you guardsmen!" (maybe said with a bit too much excitement) *Sister sees the two guardsmen standing there with a hammer and nails getting ready to fix a broken fence* Guard 1: "Yes sister?" *Sister slowly sinks back behind the wall. Face twitches some.*
Guard 1: "Oh, I'll bet shes just FILTHY!" *sister stops in her tracks, when she realizes there's already people in the galley* Guard 2: "Yes, yes, and seeing as she hasn't done it in quite a while, I bet she'd finish up, right quick!" Guard 1: "Ha! Right you are. Hell, after they haven't done it in a while, they're practically EAGER." *sister walks in, trying to walk sultry-like* Sister: "Hello boys...!" (chirping as she talks) Sister: "What were you just talking about?" Guard 1: "Why, you of course!" *sister's eyes widen* Sister: "Really?? "Guard 2: "Oh, yes. We knew you hadn't done latrine duty in some time, so we didn't think you'd mind if we re-assigned you!"
*an Imperial Guardsman gets a Sister of Cleaning alone in a corner* Guard: "Hey Sister. I know this isn't standard protocol, and it might get me in trouble but... you just seem like somebody I can trust." Sister: "Of course you can trust me. I'd never tell anybody anything you told me... or did to m-" Guard: "I just can't hold it in any more. Sister... do you want to see my cock?" *sister's heart is beating hard, she starts getting wet with excitement* Sister: "Ye... yes! I'd love to see it. C-can I touch it too?" Guard: "Oh, you can stay up all night petting it if you want. We can't do it here though. Follow me to my room." *Sister follows him, literally shaking with excitement, tears of joy forming in her eyes* *Guard opens room and walks to a small cube of metal mesh in the corner of the room and removes a chicken from it* Guard: "His name is Sargent Clucky! I raised him all the way up from an egg I got from a local farm! Isn't he precious? Go on, pet him!" Sister: *twitch* . . . *The next day the guard was flogged for harboring a live animal. The Commissar found out through an anonymous tip.*
*Two Sisters of Cleaning are seductively washing a vehicle in skimpy, white clothing* Sister 1: "Oh, I sure hope all this water doesn't... Oh, darn. My favorite white robes are all wet and cold!" *she rubs her breasts as they become visible through the cloth* Sister 2: "The same happened to me as I was extending and thrusting against this window to get it clean!" *she gyrates her posterior while tightening her legs* *A Guardsman walking by stops dead in his tracks, a the cigarette falls from his mouth.* Guard: "Sweet Emperor!" Sister 1: "Oh, Guardsman!" (while winking) Sister 2: "Can we get a change of clothes from you?" Guard: "I'd certainly say so. Here's a couple of Hazmat suits to put on over your clothes. We took this badboy to war with the Orks and the wheels still have some spore on 'em. You inhale, and you'll be vomitting for weeks! As you were ladies." Sisters of Cleaning: *_*
*two Sisters of Cleaning are sitting in their dorm, one of them crying in the other's lap* Sister 1: "I don't know how much more I can take! UUuuuah!" Sister 2: "We must be strong! For the Emperor, remember?" Sister 1: "B-but I feel like I'm going to burst inside! I need to feel someone's touch..." Sister 2: "...Don't cry. Come here." *the sisters stare at each other for a moment and lean in for a tender kiss when they are startled by a knock on the door* Guard 1: "Hey, hey, hey! Ladies! We need to borrow one of you for the evening? Which one'a ya it gonna be?" Sister 1: "Huh?" Guard 2: "It's party-time! We're gonna need a woman that's willing, able, and who doesn't mind getting her hands REALLY dirty!" *the sisters look excited and Sister 2 urges her sister to go with him* *hours pass when sister 1 returns bruised, sweaty, and with torn clothing* Sister 2: "Oh! By the Emperor!" (looking excited) Sister 1: "Urrrrggghhh...." Sister 2: "Er, what happ--" Sister 2: "...the guards needed an extra pair of hands to help them replace the engine in the land raider with a new one." Sister 1: "Ohh. Hm. Uh, hey you still wanna--" Sister 2: "No."
*a Sister of Cleaning is folding laundry, and feeling particularly grumpy* *an Imperial Guardsman approaches* Guard: "Hello, Sister. I need you in my bunk. I have some work for you." *sister grumbles* Guard: "Oh, it's work that is really 'HARD.'" Sister: "I will change your bedding later. I am swamped." Guard: "That's-- " Sister: "I WILL GET TO IT WHEN I GET TO IT!" *Later in the day she finally makes it to his quarters. She notices the sheets are perfectly clean and made.* Sister: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUU----
Gallery
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Cleanliness is next to holiness! Ask any Sister of Cleaning who, on any given day, roots out toilets (instead of heresy). For the Emperor!
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The Emperor's work is never done...
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In the grim darkness of the far future, there is only... SEXUAL FRUSTRATION!
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Sergeant Clucky refers you to the filename!
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She'll unclog your pipes and clean up your mess! Nope! Not a metaphor.
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The Commissar has enlisted the services of Sargent Clucky in his office where he guards against the intrusions of xeno grasshoppers!
