Asdrubael Vect
Asdrubael Vect is the biggest troll to ever walk the 40k universe. He is also a sick fuck.
Vect is the Supreme Lord of the Kabal of the Black Heart and the Pimp Master General of 4chan Commorragh. He spends most of his time plotting how to troll people hundreds of years in the future. Some people even go so far as to say that the Fall was just one big practical joke on his part. Basically, he does it for the lulz.
He's also one really old son of a bitch. Apparently older than a FUCKING GOD! He gives Eldrad penis envy.
He's also a close combat monster on the tabletop, being one of the few characters who can reliably go toe to toe with Abaddon the Despoiler and win, something he shares with Mephiston and the Swarmlord. Entire armies suffer critical existence failure the moment he gets within reach. I mean Jesus Fucking Christ.
Being one of the oldest pricks in history, predating even Eldrad
Asdrubael Vect is bigger than a dick, he's a prick. He is constantly bringing things to an unprecedented level of dickishness allowing himself to steeple his fingers and cackle "Just As Planned!" while, simultaneously having his cock sucked by his lesbian sex slaves. Yeah, he's just that much of a boss.
In fact the only reason he managed to last this long is because no one has ever been able to out-prick him. And, considering Commorragh is a place where rape is considered as exciting a pastime as eating a ham sandwich, that's fucking saying SOMETHING. There have been numerous occasions where the various Archons of other Kabals have tried to assassinate him in order to gain lordship over all of Commorragh. So far Vect has managed to trump each of them in the most dickish ways possible. Just a small example: he planned for the invasion of Commorragh by three Space Marine chapters in order to kill off all of the other major Archons in Commorragh except for himself, ensuring he would be unopposed and unbeatable in the Dark City. Vect also disposed of one of his rivals by getting their daughter to betray them; the daughter Vect was fucking. He most likely concluded with a signed pict of him and the cum-stained gal, saying "Your little princess is my little whore". What a prick!
List of Asdrubael's greatest achievements
•Captured a strike cruiser of the Salamanders in order to bait the Imperium into attacking Commorragh, and made sure to set things up so the fight'd drag out and lure his direct obstacles; the houses of the aristocracy, into fighting amongst themselves to claim this prize. The Imperial Navy and Salamanders strike force, including two more cruisers and a Battle Barge, that barged in afterwards, took the captured ship back and killed the nobles before retreating from the Dark Eldar's retaliation, ensuring Vect ruled unopposed. "Just As Planned!".
•Killing more of his own allies than this other pretty cool guy to be around.
•Being a dick PAST Eldrad and Creed's level WITHOUT Eldrad's psychic powers.
•Having a pimpier throne than the Emprah.
•Tricked a Dark Eldar Lord of a webway realm who refused his rule into opening a present from him with a BLACK HOLE in it. Surprise!
•To elaborate on the daughter example above; Vect defeated Archon Qu, Lord of the Iron Thorn, by persuading Qu's daughter to betray him. Vect's Kabal didn't have the military might to guarantee victory, so he got Qu's daughter to betray her father and deliver the realm into Vect's hands. What Qu didn't know was that his daughter had become one of Vect's courtesans long before.
•Somehow maintaining control of hordes of crazy Dark panzees without being killed or tortured (or both at the same time) FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS AND COUNTING.
•Turning devious plots of his rival Archons against themselves. Especially if those plots involve daemons.
•Brought a human prisoner to him for a nice cup of tea and told him the story of The Fall. When asked why Vect was doing this, he simply replied that he liked telling the story and everyone else had already heard it. Then he stopped just before the end and sent the human away, ensuring he would constantly be bugged and tormented by not knowing how the story ends, but not before mentioning the tea they had causes extreme (as in 5-hour long stomach cramps) indigestion in humans.
•He also contributed part of his Kabal to the Eldar's joint effort from Iyanden and Biel-Tan to stop Hive Fleet Leviathan from annexing a part of Hive Fleet Kraken in the Valedor supplement (GASP: A warhammer 40K campaign that, for once, doesn't involve Space Marines!). This happened because the Tyranids had somehow managed to enter the Webway and to taunt the Eldar of Iyanden about their necromancy.
Dawn of War Soulstorm
Believe or not, Vect is one of those important figures in 40k that made an appearence in video game like Abbadon. However, no one seems to care because he was overshadowed by other hilariously bad things about this game, even his own idiot apprentice Tahril made more appearance than he did. the only screentime the big V gets is from taking his Dais out for a spin as the Dark Eldar Relic unit of glass cannon doom.
He is also encountered in the Dark Eldar Stronghold, where he ran away on his pimp ride full of hoes like a little bitch, swore to rape Tahril for his failure but got his ride shot down by your troops (Vect most likely didn't die, however. According to Tahril after seeing Vect crash, "If he had died, I should have taken his place."). Overall, the presentation for Vect in this game is rather disappointing, for the fact he never really made any awesome quote or any smart dickery like Sindri other than just chilling on his pimpmobile like a couch potato.
Granted this is all form before 5th edition's revamp, before that Vect had no traits or backstory other than the leader of the Dark Eldar.
Dark Times Ahead?
Due to Games Workshop not giving Vect a new model (and ignoring his old one); as of the 7th edition Dark Eldar codex Asdrubael Vect is no longer a playable character! Think of the implications; that'd be like cutting Marneus Calgar from the Ultramarines (not that Games Workshop would ever do that) or the Phoenix Lords from the Eldar. It's possible that Vect may come back in a supplement (he damn well better), but for now, he exists only in the fluff (which is thankfully unchanged). On a completely unrelated note, suck my our balls GW.
While it's no big surprise the characters without models were cut from the rules, the reason for Vect's absence from the front lines in 7th edition is, apparently, because the Dark Eldar weren't quite going in the direction GW wanted them to. Having Big Daddy Vect lead his forces into battle like the aforementioned Marneus Calgar implied they function like any other army in the setting which they don't. They're scumbag pirates. They lash out from the webway in raiding parties to cause as much mayhem and misery as possible before legging it back to Commarragh with whatever booty they managed to grab. Also there's the fact that, realistically, if Vect left his city for any amount of time it wouldn't be his city by the time he got back because he'd find Lady Malys or some other ambitious Archon sitting in his chair. That is a good point... except there are several instances in 7th edition codex fluff where Vect left Commrragh to personally led raids on realspace, yet when he came back Commorragh was still his city. The Dark Eldar 'Path of the...' novels also state that Vect makes use of loyal (brainwashed or controlled-by-threat-of-Haemonculi) body-doubles, so one could hold down the fort while he goes gallivanting around on raids. Stop making excuses for GW's bullshit.
| Dark Eldar Lords and Ladies | |
|---|---|
| Asdrubael Vect - Archon Tahril - Baron Sathonyx Drazhar - Duke Sliscus - Kheradruakh Lady Malys - Lelith Hesperax - Urien Rakarth | |