Kurdoss Valentian

The ultimate beta.

"If you're not her priority, you're only an option."

– common wisdom for men in dating

Behold, the spooky love child of Scar from the Lion King, the Scriptural first murderer Cain (the real-life namesake for this Khaine), and Bob Cratchet from a Christmas Carol! Kurdoss Valentian (also known as "The Cuckold Craven King") is a Nighthaunt character and Husband to Lady Olynder.

History

In life, he was a ruthless deceiver and a master tactician that backstabbed and betrayed his way to the throne of his country to the point that even Tzeentch would applaud. He even killed his own brothers to secure his rise to power. But, he made the ultimate mistake any monarch that lived in/around the Age of Myth could do; he did this AND chose Sigmar as his patron. And Old Bonesy-boy did NOT like this at all.

So, to punish Kurdoss, he was struck dead just before he could ascend to the throne - literally at his own coronation ceremony - sending Kurdoss' soul screeching down to the underworld as an angry wraith. But even then, he kept his nasty streak and was as deadly as ever. Nagash, ever the utilitarian was impressed, but still salty about Kurdoss' perceived betrayal. Remember, this IS Nagash we're talking about, he doesn't recover from Butthurt that easily. So, Nagash condemned him with further punishment. The first was he was forced to marry Lady Olynder. One might initially think that being betrothed to the Mortarch of Grief would be a boon, if anything, until one remembers that Olynder is canonically the literal most whiny and miserable spirit in the realms. This marriage is so depressing that even Mannfred nearly pitied him. It's also another joke at their expenses from Nagash; in addition to Olynder's misery, being married to Olynder puts him as close to rulership as possible without actually having it, cementing his title as the Craven King. Amazing.

Naturally, this existence hasn’t left him too happy. He is literally so bitter about his fate, that he exudes an aura of bitterness so potent that it makes the words of ACTUAL generals and such choke commands in their mouths. Perturabo is suddenly feeling inadequate in terms of bitterness levels.

And he has even more of a reason to feel bitter as of late; when he and wifey went on a road trip to the Eightpoints to help their family friend Katakros, he got temporarily destroyed and left to reform, presumably whilst Olynder cheats on him with Be'lakor or Reikenor. Once a cuck, always a cuck.

A Million and One Punishments

About those extra punishments; what Nagash did was condemn Kurdoss to never be allowed true rulership. To that effect - and to rub salt in the wound, because y'know, why not - Nagash cursed him;

• He is forced to obey Olynder, no matter what, meaning that she is most definitely the one who wears the ethereal pants (and the one who pegs) in this relationship.
• He cannot raise his voice above a whisper, so no regal, inspiring speeches or barked orders from Kurdy.
• He was graciously given several gifts which serve solely to take the piss. These include a Scepter exclusively for BONKing, a comically oversized Crown, a big floating throne and a pair of ghost "heralds" that loudly mock him in a manner similar to Statler and Waldorf from the Muppets (Herald 1: "I wouldn't say we're like Statler and Waldorf." Herald 2: "Yeah, why's that?" Herald 1: "I think in a few plays, those guys got to see actual kings." Both: "DoHOHOHOHO!").

In addition, every day at 5PM sharp he receives a sharp kick to the ghost-testicles by the nearest Tomb or Myrmourn Banshee - or sometimes Olynder herself, if he's extra unlucky.

Gallery

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  Basically Kurdoss' entire (un)life.