Konrad von Carstein

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Revision as of 08:06, 15 December 2013 by 1d4chan>Thannak
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"FUCK LOGIC, I'M A VAMPIRE!"

...and that's what you would call a murder machine.

Once upon a time there was a dude. He wasn't every smart...or rational...or stable, and one day, Vlad von Carstein and Isabella von Carstein decided that this crazy muthafuckuh deserved to be given ungodly strength and near immortality via vampirism....possibly as a joke. They then doted on him, and stuck him with another adult male named Mannfred in a children's playroom before leaving to conquer the world starting with the Germans. Anyway, thus Konrad von Carstein was born! Having no idea what the fuck magic was, let alone any inkling of its control, Konrad relied heavily on necromancers to control his thousands upon thousands of mindless servants, and everything was great! He got to pillage, and slap children around to his heart's content, get a reputation spread near and far as well as becoming known as the "Red Fury" which he thought was pretty neat, and he was Vlad's right-hand man and scared the FUCK out of the empire, and apparently one time scaled a castle wall by himself, then killed everyone inside and pissed in their skulls during a siege. Then mama and papa vamp were killed by feral rampaging popes when Vlad got robbed of his magical ring of neverdieness / overpowerosity and was impaled on a twig, and a thousand+ way civil war started between all the von Carsteins for who gets to be in charge (with the exception of Mannfred who decided to backpack across Nehekhara). By sheer batshit insanery, Konrad won.

As commanding officer, Konrad was a DICK. He killed necromancers for making fun of his lack of magical talent(it's like a small dick in the Undead world) and put them on huge fucking spikes Vlad Tepes style. No one liked him very much at all, so one day his necromancers decided to fuck him over! During some big fucking battle that would decide the fate of the world and probably lead it into 10,000 years of darkness or some bullshit, the necromancers just quit fucking playing, leaving Konrad all alone without his hero slots, controlling like 10,000,000,000,000 VP's worth of skeletons. His brains blew up on the inside a little bit from the stress of having to control so many models, and he wandered into a forest going "NahNahNahNahNah," gnashing his teeth, and drooling all over himself. Apparently the army crumbled and the empire was all, "Holy shit! I thought we were doomed, good thing GW won't wipe the main race, let's get back to in-fighting!"

Apparently, some Slayer and the elector count of Ostland (who's dad was apparently butchered like a chump by Konrad) were waiting in said forest just in case a fucking vampire stumbled in while under the effects of some crazy-ass stupor. The dwarf tackled Konrad and held him down (even though he wasn't exactly going to prevent his own death anyway) while Ostland stabbed him repeatedly with a runefang.

What a chump way to go!

After Konrad died Mannfred came home and started unfucking the von Carstein line by making nice with the necromancers, travelign the world again to assemble a huge force of skeletons BEFORE attacking the Empire and giving them a chance to stop being dicks and unite, bringing the scared vamps who had fled to other bloodlines back with promises of candy and porn, and otherwise being not-Konrad. He still lost too, repeatedly, but he lives to fight another day at least.