Comedy Marines
"PRAISE THE EMPEROR, THE CHAMPION OF REVELRY, THE OVERLORD OF MIRTH! PRAISE BE UPON HIS JOYOUS SENSIBILITIES!"
- – Sergeant Pun Gigglefist
| Comedy Marines | ||
|---|---|---|
 |
||
| Battle Cry | GUFFAW | |
| Number | II | |
| Founding | First Founding | |
| Successors of | N/A | |
| Successor Chapters | None | |
| Chapter Master | High Commander Pennie Wize | |
| Primarch | Cacklus Giggleblood | |
| Homeworld | Montus Pythonis | |
| Strength | 1000 GALLONS | |
| Specialty | Jokes | |
| Allegiance | Imperium | |
| Colours | Like a Picasso painting | |
The Comedy Marines Chapter believes that any form of entertaining or comedic wordplay is the best way to defeat the enemies of the Imperium.
They also have one of the highest mortality rates, as their Chaos Marine impressions, while uproariously hilarious, are accurate enough to earn them Bolter shots to the face. Nevertheless, they do their duty for their Emperor.
The Primarch of the Comedy marines is renown for once cracking a pun so bad, Khorne ripped off his own ears so that he would not hear another.
Tactics and Organization
Small groups of Marines are often deployed to Hive Worlds suspected of Alpha Legion infiltration. Their jokes keep the locals' morale high, and frequently disrupt Chaos Recruitment Schemes (as it's difficult to get people to join when you are the butt of that many jokes.)
Their greatest elite units are called the Standup Marines, with embedded vox speakers in their pauldrons holding nothing but a power microphone, delivering pun after pun at the enemy. They are more feared than the Noise Marines, for even the mightiest followers of chaos can't keep their thoughts in check in this rain of puns.
Their Librarians keep a record of their greatest jokes in a grand Tome of Comedy (or Libris Comedius). This Tome is only ever deployed in the largest and grandest battles, for even the greatest jokes are less effective when you hear them frequently.
Eversor Assassin-style unit called Biggus DickusDanus Cookus, trained to be an extremely terrible comedian, is able to use this training to bring great emotional distress to his chosen target. Breaks down all defenses and will of even the toughest opponents. One powerful Danus Cookus is said to be so unfunny that even mighty greater daemons break down and cry in his presence.
However, the Comedy Marines tread on paths that can be dangerously close to chaos. Several great Marines, such as Gilbertus Gottfriedius, and the one known solely as Kramerus, have fallen into the sway of the warp, their once merely hilarious jests becoming hateful and cruel.
Chief Librarian Mikus Winslow, Psyker of 1000 Sounds, is one of the chapter's foremost Psykers, able to sow confusion and such among enemey ranks by causing random farts and rude noises among them. Among one of his best is his Phantom Vomiting, which can also be deployed with scent for added confusion.
In most Chapters, the 1st Company houses revered Terminator armor. The 1st Company of the Comedy Marines is the home of the legendary Ticklewilly Assault Force For You (or TAFFY). Donning the latest in Tactical Tickling Armor, these brave souls split the sides of Chaos and Xenos alike, with weapons like the Gigglefist, Lightlytouching Claws, and the dreaded Seltzercannon. Enter the Gladiators as our theme song
The Comedy Marines are the only known chapter to accept transfers from other chapters, and frequently at the extreme dissatisfaction of the local commander and inquisitors.
The Comedy Marines also used to count among their numbers a glorious dreadnought, veteran of many battles, nicknamed 'Blue Genie' for his most amusing impressions. Brother Williamus, unfortunately, left alone to secure the evacuation of a hive, fell after several months of uninterrupted combat against the evil Nurgle's marines of pestilence and despair. He is still fondly remembered to this day by his brothers.
Captain Dave Chappelus> He transferred from the Salamanders.
The galaxy is the Big Scene, each battlefield is a gig
A recent and quite comedic discovery by the tech marines has led to a major transportation advantage over most of their foes. What began as a prank on the oldest techmarines evolved into Rhinos and Landraiders capable of deploying twice the normal amount of joke delivering battle brothers than normal. Comedy Marines often rely on this in order to deliver a massive hit to the enemies funnybones before the enemy can react.
The Sheogorius Cult, marines so devoted to comedy they give up their minds, indeed their entire beings, to humor. They become nearly mindless, mad, roving, fonts of unpredictable comedic energy, and are often deployed before the start of a battle as berserkers, with the intention of sowing confusion and crippling laughter amongst the enemy's ranks before the proper battle begins.The use of these berserkers is strictly regulated and often kept secret, as the unpredictable and random nature of these beings is often accused of being a form of chaos magic by some members of the inquisition
The Comedy Marines have a special Chapter known as the Black Comics. Their jests are often charged with words that only they may say due to their training. Anyone without training may fall into chaos. Their most commonly used one is the N(urgle)-Word, which has been known to literally knock enemies dead.
Wargear
- Banana Peel Landmines
- Flammable Throwing Pies. These are thrown at the enemy to have their contents spilled over and into the crevasses of the enemy's armour and body and then ignited.
Count as grenades with S6 AP4, Small blast, Lance, Haywire.
- Exploding Throwing Pies. These are thrown at the enemy to have their contents stuck to the enemy. They will then detonate with a force equal to that of a plasma grenade, first tested by former brother captain heathus ledgerton. Rarely used because everyone forgets how long the timer for before there thrown
Count as plasma grenades with S10 AP8,
- Whoopie cushion melta bombs. The resulting explosion will ALWAYS sound like a fart. The bigger the target, the more noisy will be its demise.
Counts both as offensive and defensive grenades. When used in close combat or thrown, it has D6 Strength and D6 AP.
- Small Children's Beds. The hideously constructed beds are rumored to be ancient relics from the 2:nd millennium.
If this unit does not move during it's Movement Phase, it's cover save is improved by 1.
- Smelta bombs
- Juggling. The blurry form this unit takes while juggling, as well as the armor the juggling balls are made off which can intercept fire, disorients the enemy.
Enemy units firing at a unit with this special rule do so with -1BS.
- Machine Spirit of the Clown Car: 5-point Vehicle Upgrade
>Applied to any properly-painted vehicle, this five-point upgrade doubles the vehicle's transport capacity; eligible vehicles must be painted in a gawdy style appropriate to twentieth-century American circus "clown cars": bright harlequin colors in clashing patterns, for example.
Jokes
Brother
>Brother
Would you like to hear the one redeeming trait of traitors and daemons and how they relate to the children's toy known as the slinkie?
>Indeed I would brother
They are both fun to watch as you push them down a steep flight of stairs
>Truer words were never spoken
Brother?
>Yes Brother?
Are you currently aware of the commissar who executed the Guardsmen for worshipping Slaanesh?
>No Brother, please enlighten me to the actions of this slayer of heretics.
He always insisted on aiming to please!
>BROTHER, WHATEVER ORGAN THE EMPEROR HAS GIFTED TO ME FOR THE PURPOSE OF ENJOYING LEVITY HAS RUPTURED DUE TO THE SHEAR AMOUNT OF MIRTH YOU HAVE SUBJECTED ME TO THIS DAY!
I say, brother. Would you like to hear a joke?
>Certainly.
The Inquisition.
>MY SIDES!
Brother, did you hear the one about the Techmarine who discovered how to hack the Vox operated Howler grenades belonging to a Lady Inquisitor?
>No, Brother, I did not.
Well, neither did she!
Chaplain
>Brother
I have a confession to make relating to my misconduct
>Then speak it so that it may be heard and corrected
It was I who covertly tripped over one of the Terminator squad this morning for the base amusement as they resemble a tortoise trying to reattain an upright stance
>Half an hour in the pain glove.
Thank you for your leniency
>I will also be joining you as I laughed thunderously at the Terminators expense
Brother
>Brother
How many Guardsmen does it take to paint a Leman Russ?
>My knowledge is insufficient in this area Brother, please enlighten me.
Depends how hard you throw them Brother
>GUFFAW
Brother Marcus
>Yes Brother?
How many Imperial Guard troopers does it take to change a light bulb?
>I do not know, brother. Please enlighten me
Just one. Basic training. Reloading a lasgun.
>GUFFAW
Brother
>Apothecary
Regarding our most recent mission to stamp out subversive cults pledged to the Unholy Powers I believe I have made an Important observation that could aid us in identifying them
>I am intrigued. Please share this observation that I may identify the servants of the Dark Gods with greater efficiency
I believe I have learned the favored hymn of the Slaaneshi cultists
>What is its designation?
O Come, all ye Faithful
>Observation noted
Chaplain
>Brother
I have a question regarding the Adepta Sororitas and the limits to which we may engage with them on a social level
>You may ask your questions
To what is the allowed limit we may pursue a personal relationship with an individual member of their order before it becomes unseemly
>You may kiss a Sororitas once, you may even kiss her twice. But you must never get into the habit
Understood.
Brother, I have a question for you
>You may ask your question
What is the difference between a Fallen Ecclesiarch and a Land Raider?
>Many. To which difference are you referring?
We currently do not have a buried Land Raider under our maintenance hall
>Both amusing and true, brother
Brother, how many Raven Guards does it take to change a light bulb?
>I do not know, brother
Raven Guards aren't scared of the dark.
>Amusing indeed
>Let me regale you my Brother, of the time a heretic, a xenos, and a Guardsman, righteous lover of our glorious Emperor, went down a slide.
Please do, Brother Graius!
>The first to attempt was the heretic, and upon sliding down he yelled 'HERESYYYYYYY', and upon reaching the bottom, he fell into a puddle of THE BLOOD OF HIS PEERS, WITH WHOM HE SOON JOINED.
>The second to traverse down the- are you alright Brother? Do you require a minute?
Kmmf- I sh-shall regain my composure -hrnk - in but a moment Brother Graius, please -kknk- continue your tale.
>Very well. So then the Xenos filth then takes to the slide, and upon the downward slope, he yells 'ALIIIEEENNNN', and upon reaching the bottom- check thyself Brother- upon reaching it, he lands in a puddle of FILTH, FOR THAT IS ALL XENOS ARE AND HE IS PURGED IN FLAME ACCORDINGLY
>The third-
NO BROTHER, CEASE! SUCH MERRIMENT MY FUSED RIBS CANNOT CONTAIN!!
>But continue I shall, Brother! For the third to go down the slide-
NO, I CANNOT LISTEN!! I FUEL SLAANESH WITH EVERY WORD YOU SPEAK!!
>-the THIRD is the Guardsman, and upon going down, he yells 'I WISH I WERE A SPACE MARIIIIINNNEEEE'
NO! NO! HE COULD NOT!!
>He could and did, Brother!! And upon- snrk- u-upon reaching the bottom, he- knnk- YOU ARE MAKING ME PREMATURELY LOSE COMPOSURE, BROTHER ANTEUS!
I CANNOT HELP IT BROTHER, THE LEVITY HAS STRICKEN ME WITH THE FORCE OF A BATTLE BARGE
>BL-HAHA-AST YOU! So- so...h-he lands, and he lands-
OH SPIRITUAL LIEGE, SAVE ME!!
>In a puddle...OF NOTHING, FOR HE CAN NEVER BE A GLORIOUS ANGEL OF DEATH LIKE WE!!
EXTERMINATUS!! EXTERMINATUS ON MY LOCATION, BEFORE I TEAR OPEN A WARP RIFT THROUGH MIRTH ALONE!!
Hey Brother Goren, what did one guardsman say to the other guardsman while they were on leave?
>I don't know, Brother. Enlighten me.
Maybe one day I can join the glorious ranks of the Adeptus Astartes.
>GUFFAW
"Brother Fastus, have you ever considered not charging blindly into combat with xenos, and maybe talking it out?"
!Beat!
"Only joking!"
>GUFFAW
Ho, Brother Anceus. Brother. Brother. Brother Anceus. Brother. Brother.
>Rolls over in his sacred bunk to look at Brother Pellus
...Guardsmen.
>MIGHTY CHORTLES
BATTLE BROTHER!
>YES BROTHER?
WHAT DID THE GUARDSMEN DO WHEN THEY ENCOUNTERED A TYRANID HORDE?
>I DO NOT KNOW, ENLIGHTEN ME!
THEY WITHDREW AND CALLED IN AN ATTACK BY THE ARTILLERY
>TRULY YOUR STORIES FILL ME WITH THE GREATEST OF MIRTH. MY LAUGHTER IS AS HUGE AS I AM.
>Brother Thorek, what do you call an Eldar who has stopped scheming?
What?
>a dead Eldar
GUFFAW
Brother Higolf, did you hear the one about the constipated Space Wolf?
>I did not, Brother.
Yes Brother, it turns out he needed a golden throne! GUFFAW
>Brother, I am reporting you to the Chapter Master.
Brother Rex, when is a heretic not a heretic?
>I do not know, Brother Quellus, when is a heretic not a heretic?
WHEN HE'S DEAD!! AHAHAHAHAHA
>BY THE EMPEROR IT GETS BETTER EVERY TIME BROTHER REX AHAHAHAHAHAHA
Brother Tark, why did the Tyranid break up with his girlfriend?
>I don't know, why?
because she had too much biomass
>THUNDEROUS REVELRY
Battle Brother Grabthar, why did the Trukk become much less safe?
>I don't know, Brother Elupis, why DID it become much less safe?
I fired a meltagun at it, silly!
>BROTHER, WHAT WAS THE LANDSPEEDER DOING ACROSS THE GRAND PLAINS OF OLLICAR XII AS IT RIGHTEOUSLY SLAUGHTERED THE ORKISH HORDE OF GOLDUR SKINSTAB?
ENLIGHTEN ME, BROTHER.
>ABOUT 120 MILES PER HOUR
A GLORIOUS AND AMUSINGLY EXPEDIENT VELOCITY!
Well that's what we call the Ultramarines a Medium chapter!
>Why is that, Brother Walodorfus?
Because they aren't rare, and they certainly don't do well!
>DOHOHOHOHO!
Brother Dorn, what do you call an ork who is jealous of the might of the great Adeptus Astartes?
>i don't know what?
green with envy
>MARVELOUS QUIP, BROTHER
>Did you hear the one about the Grey Knights when they aided our chapter?
I did not, Chapter Master!
>That's BECAUSE YOU WERE MIND-SCRUBBED AFTER, HAHAHAHA!!!
>Brother Cassius, I ask you - what do you call a Space Wolf with a drinking problem?
I don't know Brother Octavian. What DO you call a Space Wolf with a drinking problem?
>You call him a Space Wolf, brother Cassius.
IMMENSE LEVITY
Brother Dexus! What is our most holy and favored brand of tea?
>I do not know brother.
Astar-teas!
>WAH! HA! HA! HA!
Brother, did you hear the one about the Sororitas and the bolter?
>Bolt 'er? I 'ardly knew 'er!
BATTLE BROTHER
>YES BROTHER?
A GUARDSMAN HAD TOLD ME A JOKE RECENTLY,
>A GUARDSMAN JOKE? WITH ALL THAT TIME THEY HAVE, IT MUST SURELY BE A GREAT ONE.
INDEED IT WAS. HE SAID HE WANTS TO BE LIKE ME WHEN HE GROWS UP
>MY BELLY WOULD ACHE FROM ALL OF MY LAUGHTER IF I WAS A LESSER MAN
AHA! I SEE THE HUMOR HAS BEEN DOUBLED, BROTHER! I AM NO MATCH FOR YOUR WIT!
Brother Gilfin, have you noticed the increase in orkfors?
>Enlighten me brother, what is an orkfor?
FOR SHOOTING BROTHER!
>TERRA'S LIGHT, BROTHER, I WISH I HAD A SEPARATE ORGAN FOR LAUGHTER!
Brother Maltek, did you hear the one about the noise marine who was punished by Slaanesh?
>no
Neither did he
>DOHOHOHOHO
What's the difference between an Ultramarine and an Alpha Legionnaire, Brother Jallen?
>Please inform me of the difference, Brother Cassius.
DEATH TO THE FALSE EMPEROR!!!
>BY ROBOUTE'S CHEST-HAIR!!!
Brother Adivus, what did the guardsman say to the xeno?
>Enlighten me brother.
I don't know I killed them both!
> Riveting tale brother!
Battle brother Angelos, what did the librarian say when he went to the apothecary for his yearly heresy checkup?
>I do not know, Sergeant Thalmius. What did our librarian say?
"hope is the first step on the road of 'dis appointment"
>MY SIDES, BROTHER--I FEEL AS IF A XENOBLADE HAS CUT ME
BROTHER
>BROTHER
THE HERETIC MARINES OF SLAANESH ARE MOVING TOWARDS OUR POSITION
>I STAND READY TO RESIST THEIR ADVANCES.
WAS THAT A JOKE, MY BROTHER?
>IT WAS INDEED, BROTHER.
I FOUND IT AMUSING.
>AS DID I BROTHER. BUT ENOUGH OF THIS LEVITY, IT IS TIME FOR WAR.
Brother, what did the heretic say to Abaddon after he was told of his plans to launch a new black crusade?
>I do not know, brother, what did he say?
REMEMBER THE LAST 13!!
>BY THE SIGILITE'S FLAMING STAFF BROTHER!
GUFFAW
Brother Ferrus! How many bolts does it take to destroy the enemies of his most holy majesty and father the Emperor!?
>The answer to this I do not know brother, enlighten me.
I'm still counting!
>True... True...
Brother! Can you cover my patrol shift?
>Of course Brother, what is the emergency?
I NEED TO DROP POD BEHIND THAT BUSH
>GUFFAW
Brothers, have any of you kept tabs on the words of the Ministorum these past millennia?
>Why no Brother, I have not...what do they say?
They think the Emperor IS A GOD! HERESY!
>BWAHAHAHAA
Brother-captain!
>Yes, brother?
I have relayed your order to attack the breach to our Blood Angels brothers-in-arms!
>How do they feel about the fact that the charge shall almost certainly lead to a glorious death in the Emperor's name?
They were sanguine about it, captain!
>DOHOHOHOHO
Brother! The witch is upon the ridge! The enemy artillery is advancing to "What" Hill, and their left flank is feeling to "Where" cavern, We must advance!
>Which ridge?
That is correct brother!
>What is correct?
No Brother, the ridge!
>I understand, which ridge?
Yes! We must advance!
>Where do we advance?
No brother, we must advance to the ridge!
>I'm asking you Brother, to which ridge must we advance?
You would be correct brother!
I HEARD AN AMUSING JOKE, THE OTHER DAY, BATTLE BROTHER. WHAT DID THE ALPHA LEGIONARY SAY TO HIS SECRET SLEEPER AGENT CONTACT?
>I DON'T KNOW, BROTHER SIGIL. WHAT DID HE SAY?
HE SAID, YOUR MISSION IS TO ALTER THE NAVIGATIONAL BEACON FREQUENCY TO 226.53 AND ENSURE THE DISTRESS SIGNAL GOES THROUGH WITH A DELAY OF 28 MINUTES.
>HA, HA, THAT IS A MOST AMUSING JOKE, BROTHER. I MUST NOW DEPART TO THE COMMUNICATIONS ARRAY. *WINK*.
DID YOU JUST SAY "WINK", BROTHER?
>NOT AT ALL. YOU MUST BE IMAGINING THINGS. HA, HA, HA.
Brother Alporus, did you hear the voices of Slaanesh scraping at the edge of my mind?
>No Brother, you should certainly see the Chapter's Apothecary about that.
Indeed Brother, now twist my nipples!
>OHGODBROTHERMYBLACKCARAPACE
GUFFAW
Dost thou know why the Dark Angels Primarch was late to the confrontation at Holy Terra?
>Do tell, Brother!
Because he was LION AROUND!!
>I believe the chaplain heard you.
Oh Sister's tits. The pain glove for me...
IS THAT YOUR PRIMARCH OR DID A TYRANID HIVE FLEET JUST PASS BY?
YOUR PRIMARCH IS SO UNSIGHTLY THAT NOT EVEN SLAANESH CAN BECOME AROUSED AROUND HIM!
DID YOU HEAR THAT TERRAN IDOL WAS RENEWED FOR YET ANOTHER SEASON? NOT EVEN TZEENTCH FORESAW IT HAPPENING!
YOUR PRIMARCH HAS FALLEN SO FAR INTO CHAOS NOT EVEN TZEENTCH CAN FIT HIM INTO A PLAN
YOUR PRIMARCH IS SO FAT, THE ORKS HAVE RECOGNISED HIM AS A NEW GOD.
YOUR PRIMARCH IS SO FAT, THE INQUISITION ARE PURGING THE CHAPTER ON SUSPICION OF NURGLE POSSESSION.
WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THE BATTLE-SISTER WHO APPEARS TO HAVE TWO BLACK EYES?
NOTHING! ORDERS HAVE ALREADY BEEN ISSUED TO HER TWICE!
There once was a Primarch called Guilliman,
Who everyone thought was a silly man,
He wrote the Codex Astartes
Wasn't invited to parties
And had the sexual skill of a derpy ram!
Battle-brother!
>Yes, Brother?
Did you perchance hear what happened when the Adepta Sororitas received their first titan?
>No, Brother. I did not.
They destroyed a sizable amount of their own forces just backing the war machine up!
WHAT DID THE INQUISITION SAY TO THE GUARDSMEN THAT FOUGHT WITH SPACEMARINES SAY
>I DO NOT KNOW BATTLE BROTHER WHAT DID HE SAY
BLAM!
>GUFFAW
BROTHER SPACE WOLF, HOW MANY THOUSAND SONS ARE OUT THERE IN THE GALAXY?
>HOW MANY?
LESS THEN A THOUSAND!
>GUFFAW
BROTHER
>YES BROTHER
HAVE YOU HEARD THAT LOGAN GRIMNAR PROPOSITIONED ONE OF THE SISTERS OF BATTLE LAST NIGHT WHILST PURGING THE GALAXY OF XENO FILTH
>REALLY BROTHER
YES, HE'S SUCH A DOG
>GUFFAWS
BROTHER, WHY DON'T ALPHA LEGIONNAIRES FIGHT FOR THE EMPEROR?
>BECAUSE THEY ARE HERETICS?
NO, BECAUSE THEY DON?T EXIST!
>GUFFAW
BROTHER LEVICTUS
>YES BROTHER DAMATUS
THE EMPEROR'S HEART IS FILLED WITH JOY WHEN WE KILL A HERETIC, IS IT TRUE?
>IT IS
THEN EMPEROR'S HEART IS FILLED WITH MORE JOY WHEN WE KILL TWO HERETICS, TRUE?
>YES IT IS. WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT
TURN AROUND AND SEE HOW MUCH JOY WE ARE ABOUT TO BRING HIM
Greetings Brother, who you care to hear a jest?
>As my eyes ever watch for heresy, so my ears listen to you Brother.
Very well, then I shall begin. What did one Space Wolf say to another Space Wolf?
>I do not know Brother, what did one Space Wolf say to another Space Wolf?
WOLFWOLFWOLFWOLFWOLFWOLFWOLFWOLFWOLVES
>GUFFAW THE HUMOR IS DERIVED FROM THE FACTUAL BASIS OF THE STATEMENT!
Poor Brother-Captain Skelton. His impressionist skills were simply too powerful; the Inquisitor did not understand.
>The Brother-Captain died as he had lived.
Messily?
>Hilariously.
Venerable Bjorn!
> YES BROTHER STROMUS
Have you heard the latest news about Abbadon?
> NO
His hands... fell.
> ...
(The geneseed of Brother Stromus was later recovered as Brother Stromus died of his injuries caused by a accidental malfunction of the venerable dreadnaughts power claw)
I SAY BROTHER HONDE, I DESIRED A PET, SO I PURCHASED A CYBER MASTIFF FROM AN AGENT OF THE IMPERIAL LAW.
>HOW IS THAT WORKING FOR YOU BROTHER JON'REL?
TERRIBLY! I ACQUIRED IT FROM A NEGLIGENT MASTER, AND THE POOR THING IS STUCK IN "AGGRESSIVE" MODE, SO IT CONSTANTLY MAKES NOISE AND ATTACKS, BUT HAD IT'S JAW REMOVED, MAKING IT HARMLESS.
>HOW AWFUL.
INDEED, YOU COULD SAY, OUR BARK WAS WORSE THAN ARBITES.
>DO_HO_HO_HO_HO
ALSO, I TURNED THE OFFICER OVER TO THE ADEPTUS MECHANICUS, FOR RE-EDUCATION.
>WELL, LOOKS LIKE THERE WILL BE A NEW SERVITOR SOON!
(They both laugh mightily.)
I SAY BROTHER JACOBUS
>YES BROTHER ARCTURUS
HAVE YOU HEARD THE ONE ABOUT THE XENO AND THE POWER FIST?
>OF COURSE I HAVE, YOU TELL ME IT ALL THE TIME
YES, I SUPPOSE I'VE "BEATEN IT TO DEATH"
>DOHOHOHOHOHOHO
Brother Ragnar!
> Yes Brother Ulrik?
Have you heard about the news about the Inquisitor and mighty Bjorn at the Chapter Fortress?
> No Brother Ulrik.
The Inquisitor declared Bjorn Excommunicate Traitoris for helping the civilian population while ordered to purge them.
> The audacity of that Inquisitor! What happened brother?
Well, Brother Ragnar, Bjorn had a malfunction with his lightning claw.
GUFFAW
BROTHER ALTOR, WHY DID THE TRAITOR GUARDSMAN CROSS THE ROAD?
>I DO NOT KNOW, BROTHER BASSIANUS, PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME.
I WOULD NOT PRESUME TO UNDERSTAND THE THOUGHTS OF A VILE HERETIC, BROTHER.
>AH, INDEED NOT.
>BROTHER, WHY DID THE ULTRAMARINE CROSS THE ROAD
DO TELL, BROTHER
>TO MEET HIS SPIRITUAL LIEGE
GUFFAW
Ah, Brother-Captain Joculus. Such a strong, imposing figure. I had the privilege to field alongside him forty years ago, arrayed against a force of Tzeentchian heretics.
>Amidst hard fighting, he suddenly turned to me, stubber rounds deflecting off his armor as he calmly spoke. "Brother, I have been contemplating these foes of ours."
"You have?" was all I could ask, for the absurdity of the moment.
>"I have. And I have come to realize, we are not so different after all." He surely knew my shock as my eyes widened as large as my helmet's lenses.
"Flamer," he said calmly, as he squeezed the trigger and fired a gout of promethieum past my ear, and an agonized shriek behind me told me he had not only saved my life, but done so in... how do the guardsmen say? Style. I wheeled around, to see the remains of a blue-and-purple, clawed monstrosity rolling and burning.
>"Flamer," he said lightly, and then handed me his blessed weapon. With his free hand, he pointed up the ridge at the next enemy wave, lead by the twisted form of a daemonette.
"Flame her."
>It was the most amusing battle I have ever had the honor of partaking in. And you should have seen his Grouchex-pattern servo skull. I could tell you, it was positively BRISTLING with digital weapons...
Brother
>Brother
I have an amusing question to ask you
>Proceed
How many kegs of Fenrisian Ale does it take to render a Space Wolf unconscious?
>I do not possess the answer brother, please enlighten me
I depends on the velocity it impacts their head with
>Most amusing brother.
Indeed
Tell me, brother, why do we not produce combi-weapons for close combat as well?
>Why, initiate, our swords are chained already.
Brother
>Brother
I have had an amusing observation based upon past missions and watching our chapter's head cook prepare today's meal
>Please share your observations
There is little difference between a Radical Inquisitor and an onion.
>Explain
An onion has layers much as a Radical Inquisitor has layers of deceit, an onion grows in the muck away from the light much like a Radical Inquisitor and they both have a repulsive almost corrupt smell that follows them
>Indeed but I can not find any merriment in this observation, astute thought it is
Quite so; But I did not weep when I carved up the Radical Inquisitor, but I wept for the sliced up onion.
>Most amusing brother
Tell me Brother Lanzarius, are you aware favoured tactical doctrine of the the 10th legion when encountering Eldar witches?
>I'm not Brother Jotium but please enlighten me that we might learn from their wisdom.
A hands on approach.
>GUFFAW! Your insight and wisdom is matched only by your wit Brother Lanzarius!
HAVE YOU HEARD THE TALE OF THE ILL FATED EXERCISE REGIME THE GUARDSMEN ADOPTED BROTHER?
>NO I HAVE NOT, ENLIGHTEN ME BROTHER.
THEY LOST HALF A PLATOON ONCE THE MEN STARTED DOING SQUATS!
>DOHOHO!
Brothers! Your attention!
The boisterous guffawing echoes through our chapter halls with such might and volume, it has already set off munitions in the armortorium! I fear for the safety of your SIDES to which you refer to so often!
I fear we may need a device to help strengthen our fused ribcages and black carapace. Perhaps to offer temporary respite, we should hold them in place with our mighty ARMS.
At this rate, we will need all of the SIDE ARMS we can get!
>GUFFAW
BROTHER
>YES BROTHER
DO YOU KNOW WHY THERE ARE NOT FEMALE ORK FILTH?
>ALAS, I DO NOT KNOW, BROTHER. WHY ARE THERE NO FEMALE ORK FILTH?
BECAUSE IF THERE WAS FEMALE ORK FILTH, THEY WOULD GO ON A WAAAGH ONCE EVERY MONTH
>OH EMPEROR PROTECT MY SIDES FROM THIS ALMOST HERETICAL AMOUNT OF MIRTH
BROTHER
>WHY DO YOU ADDRESS ME SO, LOWLY GUARDSMAN
I, TOO, USED TO BELONG TO THE RANKS OF SPACE MARINES
> TRULY? HOW DIDST THOU FALL SO LOW AS TO BECOME A GUARDSMEN?
I TOOK A LASBLAST TO MINE KNEE!
> I QUAKE WITH MIRTH BUT ALSO FEEL PITY FOR YOUR FALL FROM GREATNESS
BROTHER
>BROTHER
WHY DO BATTLE-SISTERS NEVER BREAK WIND?
>I DO NOT KNOW, BROTHER! ENLIGHTEN ME!
BECAUSE THEY NEVER CEASE TALKING LONG ENOUGH FOR THE PRESSURES TO BUILD UP!
>GOD-EMPEROR PRESERVE MY FUSED RIBS!
A new recruit of the Iron Hands was showing off his new mechanical manipulator to his fellow squad mates.
"Listen," he said. "My hand contains a communications uplink from which we can call for reinforcements when needed."
And as they leaned in towards his hand, they did hear the voice of the astropath in orbit around their planet.
The recruit then did dismiss himself to go to the bathroom.
Then, the Commissar did come searching for the young recruit and was told of his location.
Upon entering the latrine area, the Commissar did find the recruit upon the ground on all fours with a full roll of toilet paper wedged between his buttcheeks.
"BY THE EMPEROR'S THRONE! EXPLAIN WHAT YOU ARE DOING!" shouted the Commissar.
"Sir, I require silence as I am receiving a printed data sheet from my other implant!"
A Squad of Battle-Sisters were riding a vehicle going up a mountain to the site of battle at the top.
Driving down the mountain was a squad of Space Marines.
As the marines neared the sisters, one leaned out as voxed, "ORKS!"
The sisters, quite incensed at being insulted, screamed back, "HERETICS!"
As the sisters rounded a bend, their vehicle did collide with Orks standing in the road.
Brother Charis!
>Yes, Brother?
Why are the night lord heretics so easy to kill?
>Enlighten me, Brother.
Because they are KURZED
>GUFFAW
Brother
>Brother
Why are the Space-Wolves so willing to please the Sisters of Battle?
>Pray tell, I do not know!
They are willing to do anything for a good "bone" !
>I think I broke my humor geneseed-organ
BROTHER TERRANCE
>YES, BROTHER PHILIP?
I BELIEVE A TYRANID GENESTEALER MAY BE STOWING AWAY IN MY HINDQUARTERS SINCE THE LAST ENGAGEMENT. WOULD YOU CHECK TO SEE IF THEY MIGHT BE THERE STILL?
>I SHALL, BROTHER. *pause* I DO NOT SEE ANYTHING! I SHALL SEARCH DEEPER!
PPPFFFFFFLLLRRRRTTTT!!!!!
>NOW MY FACE SMELLS LIKE HERESY! IMMENSE LEVITY!
Brother, I have made a most interesting observation.
>Say on, Brother.
I have been enlightened as to the reasoning of how a filthy xenos may become pure.
>Impossible! Speak now before my incredulity overwhelms me!
Brother, our Boltgun shells make them holy!
>GUFFAW
"Brother Waldorf, do you remember that awesome battle when the Ultramarines used their superior tactical skill to save the Imperium from certain doom?"
"No."
"Neither do I!"
"DOHOHOHOHOHOHO!"
Brother Cleesias : 'Ello. I wish to register a complaint.
(The Techmarine Brother Palinus has his back to the register and does not respond.)
Brother Cleesias : 'Ello, Miss?
Techmarine Brother Palinus : (turning around, very angry) What do you mean, "miss"?
Brother-Captain Cleesias : I'm sorry, I have a cold.
(The Techmarine nods, understanding.)
Brother Cleesias : I wish to make a complaint!
Brother Palinus : (hurriedly) Sorry, we're closin' for lunch...!
Brother Cleesias : Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Dreadnought, what I requisitioned not half an hour ago from this very forge.
Brother Palinus : Oh yes, the, ah, Venerable Brother Norwegias... What's, ah... W-what's wrong with it?
Brother Cleesias : I'll tell you what's wrong with it, Brother! It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.
Brother Palinus : No, no, 'e's ah... he's resting.
Brother Cleesias : Look, matey, I know a dead Dreadnought when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Brother Palinus : No no, h-he's not dead, he's, he's restin'!
Brother Cleesias : Restin'?
Brother Palinus : Y-yeah, restin.' Remarkable veteran, Venerable Brother Norwegias, isn't he, eh? Beautiful coffin!
Brother Cleesias : The coffin don't enter into it. It's stone dead!
Brother Palinus : Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
Brother Cleesias : All right then, if he's resting, I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the Dreadnought)
'Ello, Brother! Brother Dreadnought! I've got a lovely fresh alien for you to kill if you wake up, Mr. Dreadnought...
(Techmarine Brother Palinus hits the Dreadnought on the arm)
Brother Palinus : There, he moved!
Brother Cleesias : No, he didn't, that was you pushing!
Brother Palinus : I never!!
Brother Cleesias : Yes, you did!
Brother Palinus : I never, never....
(He pulls the coffin out of the Dreadnought and screams into its opening.)
Brother Cleesias : 'ELLO BROTHEEEER! BROTHER! BROTHER DREADNOUGHT! WAKE UP!
(He bangs the coffin against a Rhino, horribly hard.)
TESTIIIING! TESTIIIING! THIS IS YOUR NINE-O' CLOCK ALARM CALL!
(He does it again, harder.)
BROTHEEEEEER!
(He tosses it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor. Longish pause.)
Now that's what I call a dead Dreadnought.
Brother Palinus : No, no.... No, he's stunned.
Brother Cleesias : STUNNED?
Brother Palinus : Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Brother Norwegias stuns easily, major.
Brother Cleesias : Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That Dreadnought is definitely deceased, and when I requisitioned it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long decade of service in the Emperor's name.
Brother Palinus : Well, he's... he's, ah... probably pining for the throne.
(Cleesias looks angrily back and forth, stuttering.)
Brother Cleesias : PININ' for the THRONE? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im online?
Brother Palinus : Venerable Brother Norwegias prefers kippin' on 'is back! Remarkable Dreadnought, isn't he, Brother, eh? Lovely coffin!
Brother Cleesias : (coldly) Look, I took the liberty of examining that Dreadnought when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that he had been looking out of his coffin in the first place was that he had been NAILED there.
(pause)
Brother Palinus : Well, of course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that Brother down, he would have nuzzled up to those bars, and VOOM!
Brother Cleesias : "VOOM?"
(Cleesias puts the coffin down and indicates the Marine inside.)
Brother Cleesias : Look matey, this Dreadnought wouldn't "voom" if you put four thousand volts through it! It's bleedin' demised!
Techmarine Brother Palinus : It's not! I-It's pining!
Brother Cleesias : It's not pinin,' it's passed on! This Dreadnought is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! This is a late Dreadnought! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed him to the coffin he would be pushing up the daisies! Its metabolical processes are of interest only to historians! It's hopped the twig! It's shuffled off this mortal coil! It's run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! This.... is an EX-Dreadnought!
(pause)
Brother Palinus : Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(He disappears behind the counter.)
Brother Cleesias : (turning to camera) If you want to get anything done in this crusade you've got to complain 'til you're blue in the mouth.
Brother, I have a joke.
>Please, do tell me, Brother.
Three filthy Tau Ethereals go to eat at a restaurant. After looking at the menu, they all decide on a pasta dish to eat. However, when the meals arrive, they are covered in large amounts of cheese. One of the treacherous Ethereals asks the waiter why there is so much cheese, to which he replies: "Sir, the chef insists it was for the Grater Good."
>MY SIDES! A PUN OF MOST AMUSING VALUE!
Brother, I have a jest that I heard from one of our chapters tech priests.
>My vox channel is open and receiving, brother
There were two holy techpriests working to revive our most venerated dreadnought. Unfortunately, the reviving was not going well.
>Do tell, brother.
One holy tech priest turns to the other tech priest to say "Master, I am unable to revive this most venerated dreadnought." The tech priest master says to him "Have you tried de activating and re activating him?" The lowly tech priest says to him "No I think he's dead."
>GUFFAW
Brother, I must share with you my experience of this morning.
> I am prepared to hear, Brother
I have been training an acolyte in close combat. Three days ago I gave him a chainsword and ordered him to slay one hundred xenos scum. At the end of the day, he had slain only ninety.
> I presume you had him purged at once?
Nay, Brother, for this acolyte was from a planet known for the stupidity of its inhabitants. So, the second day I offered him another chance, and he slew only ninety-nine foul xenos scum.
> So then you purged him?
Nay, Brother, for when a sword is poorly tempered, do you blame the sword or the smith? I realised I had not properly trained the acolyte, so I took him to the battlefield myself. Facing the xenos horde, I drew my chainsword, flicked it on - and the acolyte turned to me and said "Emperor on Earth, what is that noise?!"
> MY GUFFAWS ARE AS THE THUNDER OF A THOUSAND EARTHSHAKERS
Brother, what do you call a lasgun with a markerlight?
> I do not know Brother.
Twin-linked.
> OH HOLY EMPEROR MY EVERY ORGAN.
>How does every joke about commissars start?
>The trooper telling it looks over his shoulder.
Brother?
>Yes, Brother?
How many Ultramarines does it take to change a lightbulb?
>I know not the answer to thine question, Brother.
It does, in fact, take eleven Ultramarines to change a lightbulb, Brother.
>Why is this?
It takes one Ultramarine to change a lightbulb, and a contingent of Librarians to make sure he is doing it in compliance with the Codex Astartes, Brother!
>I FIND THIS HUMOROUS IN THE EXTREME, BROTHER!
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