Tzeentch

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Tzeentch Was Here

Problem?

Tzeentch has a fetish for birds; featherporn ahoy! Oddly, this is one of the rare few female Lords of Change.

Tzeentch is the Chaos God of change, mutation, trolls, lulz, and general weird shit. He was born some time in the renaissance, so he probably came to be in the 1600's or so. Also has an unhealthy sexual attraction to birds, particularly ravens. There's no real picture for Tzeentch since the weird bastard always changes his appearance every time he sits for his yearbook photo. Some of the more memorable appearances have been: an opaline serpent constantly slithering in-place; a no-neck blue greater daemon with a skin pocked with faces that each repeat what the main head just said with different emphasis or tone; a rainbow-hued cloud of mist that speaks by casting echoes off nearby structures without making the original sound; a featureless green-skinned human in an archaic grey suit with the words "NO PICTURE AVAILABLE" suspended in the air where his face would be. And perhaps the most prominent, a giant imp with two penises growing out of its head. No, srsly.

YOU THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO VOTE FOR THE BLACK MAN? YOU'RE ALL WORSHIPING TZEENTCH NOW. Just as planned...

He is typically the second strongest of the Chaos Gods, however in canon Chaos God vs Chaos God stories he has the largest number of victories and fewest number of defeats. He rarely does things directly and prefers to trick one of the Chaos Gods or their servants into fighting with one another. He got Skarbrand, the then mightiest Bloodthirster into attacking his master. Skarbrand hit with all his strength but only put a chink in Khorne's armor and Khorne got pissed, unbelievably, incomprehensibly, all consumingly pissed and grabbed Skarbrand and threw him so hard that he went sailing in the sky for days before finally crashing into the ground so hard that his wings broke. Tzeentch got a good laugh out of this and received no negative consequences...

Except that millions of his followers will likely be slaughtered and his faith likely has a new enemy... but Tzeentch, like every Chaos God, is beyond our petty definition of victory and defeat. Which makes the above paragraph idiotically inaccurate.

He was the only Chaos God who didn't try to help the Eldar Gods when Slaanesh went on his "just-born" raping and killing spree as far as we know. We'll probably find out that he rescued Vaul or something like that in a future Chaos Codex, or not.

It is also to be noted that John Kramer aka Jigsaw is an accomplice of Tzeentch, too bad he's dead now.

Just as planned...

Tzeentch will always be three steps ahead of you; he out-dicks Eldrad, The Laughing God, the Emprah, and the Deceiver hands down. Just an example: He tricked Slaanesh into having a beef with Khorne which the former lost. Why did he do it? He did it for the lulz.

Just don't mention Creed around him...

Who wrote this? It's completely wrong. Except it isn't. Yet it is.

Followers

Tzeentch's followers tend to be Librarians, Sorcerers, nerds, psykers and misfits, but instead of Nurgle's "I love you just for who you are," Tzeentch encourages his followers to revel in what makes them dweeb outcasts and go even further, constantly finding new ways to push limits and try things out just because they can. It's not enough that you've made this former Guardsman loyal, stronger and faster, harder and better, you could also fit another three arms on the guy, and if you added a head on his pelvis he would never be surprised, and he can't talk anymore so why not replace his larynx with a flamer sac?

Tzeentch units are:

• Horrors, sickening constantly shapeshifting masses of limbs, faces and belching fire. Annoying as hell on tabletop.
• Flamers, like Horrors but less limb-y and way more mouths to breathe fire with. Also, this fire is ap2, so... yeah...
• Screamers of Tzeentch, the Tzeentchian notion of cavalry; levitating manta rays with buzzsaw fins. Also melta-teeth for some reason.
• Chaos Marines, with an Egyptian motif, and plenty of psykers and Sorcerers.
• Lords of Change, huge birdlike sorcerers that look like a werewolf's in-between state, only it's a werevulture-snake-velociraptor...thing. They have the power to predict the future at any given time so they're almost invincible, unless Tzeentch wants them to die, which going by all the times Tzeentchian Chaos Daemon and Thousand Sons armies lose, happens surprisingly often.

Facts

• Rush Limbaugh and Anne Coulter want you to believe that every liberal is a dangerous acolyte of Tzeentch, because they ARE!
• A little-known fact: Tzeentch is anon.
• Tzeentch was responsible for the Great Depression and the 2008 financial crisis. Also, the First Gulf War? That was him too.
• Tzeentch does it for the lulz.
• You know when your first dog died? Tzeentch did that too.
• Tzeentch (much like Santa Claus and Jesus) knows and sees everything; thusly, he sees you masturbate and knows what fantasies you're having. And he laughs at you (again, much like Santa Claus and Jesus).
• * Khorne is Tzeentch's favorite victim for hijinks because Khorne is very easy to string along. *SOUNDS OF HORRIFIC DISEMBOWELMENT OF THE WEAKLING, LIMP-WRIST TZEENTCH * FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YO.....WHY AM I WRENCHING NURGLE'S ETERNAL PUS SAC?! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU....!*Explosion of things best not described* *Just as planned*
• Slaanesh is Tzeentch's second favorite victim for his hi-jinks, because Slaanesh's desire for a new high makes him/her/it very easy to string along.
• Starscream is a servant of Tzeentch; he's got a huge amount of ambition Too bad that Tzeentch won't let him succeed until he actually forms a plan instead of just saying "I am the new leader!" if Megatron so much as sneezes.
• Tzeentch is the god of hope among other things, yet he's a lot less friendly than the god of despair. Probably because most every being in the universe has had their fair share of despair and has learned to cope with it, while hope tends to show up just before you get ground into the dirt again. When the Despair-god comes knocking, you open a bottle and sigh, when the hope god shows up, you immediately wonder how you're going to get raped this time.
• Tzeentch has only ever truly lost to one being: Creed.
• Tzeentch is a very unorky god, and is neither morky nor gorky.
• Tzeentch is the only contestant to ever be banned from entering Deal or No Deal after winning $1,000,000 7 times in a row.
• During their early days, Tzeentch once put on a magic show for the 3 other Chaos gods. Among the 3, Khorne asked Tzeentch how he made Nurgle's Plaguefather disappear and reappear beside Slaanesh before their very eyes, which Tzeentch refused to tell and responded with "A good magician never reveals his tricks", which caused Khorne to burn with unfathomable rage. To this day, Khorne still loathes magicks and anyone who uses them, which became evident when the World eaters killed all their Psykers when they defected to Chaos. Like always, Tzeentch said "Just as planned".
• Tzeentch is slightly pissed over the fact how his only representation in DoW are the Pink Horror daemons and the Chaos Sorcerer, unlike Khorne who gets Berzerkers, Chaos Marines chant "Skulls for the skull throne!" on attack and how he got an epic unit, the "Bloodthirster" and the fact that he has two Chaos Lords dedicated to him and the fact that his legion shows up in winter assault as one of the primary opponents, Khorne then goes on to get Bloodletters, Bloodcrushers, The Chaos Lord, who is the best damn commander in the game (though the Warboss has funnier dialogue) in DoW II, while in contrast, he's stuck with the sorcerer and his marines aren't even Rubrics. Still, better than Slaanesh, who only ever got the Emperor's Children default color scheme throughout the entire series. But now Slaanesh is getting Noise Marines in retribution, which are sorta like SM Plasma Cannon Devastators. All Tzeentch gets are marks for certain units, which turns everyone of them into tank/infantry raping death machines, especially the generic marines.
• However, in DOWII, Tzeentch is still reveling in the fact how he got Scott McNeil to voice the generic Chaos sorcerers again. HOWEVER!!!, the Sorcerer's voice then became more soft, monotonous and unenthusiastic, which GREATLY angered Tzeentch.
• Tzeentch appears to be GW's least favorite of the Chaos Gods, his units tend to be the worst out of the four chaos gods, his stuff gets the least amount of attention, and the least amount of fluff written for him.
• Every Saturday night, Tzeentch gets together with the the Deceiver, Cegorach, and the Emperor for a rousing game of paradox poker-billiards-chess-roulette. The sheer amount of dickery and JUST AS PLANNED that goes on during these games is so vast that if you were to watch one of these games, your head would 'asplode into a shower of Necrons, Deamons, Eldar, and SPESS MEHREENS!. Even Khorne is afraid to watch one of these games for fear of his head's un...asplodedness... Nobody ever wins though, (mainly because the Emperor take too long on his turns).
• Some people play chess with reality and manipulate events and people like chess pieces, others play pool/billiards with it, moving things along like a cue ball and cue stick, others play poker with the universe, bluffing and cajoleing things to receive favorable outcomes, other play roulette with the cosmos, making all the little movements needed for that lucky roll. But Tzeentch, Tzeentch does it all at once in the nightmarish game of Paradox Poker-Pool-Roulette-Chess or PPPRC, a game that only a true master of dickery and the ability to perceive the past, future, and present can really play without looking like a massive tool.
• Tzeentch's favorite characters in Mortal Kombat are Quan Chi, Shinnok and Shang Tsung. Though Tzeentch favors Quan Chi more than the other two due to him being (arguably) the most manipulative bastard in all of Mortal Kombat. Hell, he is mostly responsible for almost all the events that happened. In fact, Quan Chi is considered the most untrustworthy character in all of Mortal Kombat considering that he has a Chronic Backstabbing Disorder, constantly lies and never fulfills his promises.
• Tzeentch's favorite Black Library novel is "A Thousand Sons". This is mostly because he relishes over the fact that he is such a magnificent bastard for all the things he did in said novel.
• Tzeentch created C.S. Multilazor to specifically troll Khorne's fluff.
• Tzeentch's favorite characters from A Song of Ice and Fire are Petyr Baelish, Tyrion Lannister, and Varys, mostly because they're manipulative cunts who are responsible for all the bullshittery that goes down in the books. And as Petyr was responsible for Ned Stark's incarceration, Khorne enjoys breaking into Tzeentch's domain and beating him into a pulp for his preferences (Khorne's a fan of Gregor Clegane, since that character is a straight-up Khornate champion, and Arya, because who isn't?)
• Tzeentch has planned everything you do, even this. Who knows what this article is distracting you from? Tzeentch does because he's why you're here. Woah! Where do you think you're going? You're leaving, eh? 'Just as planned'...
• Tzeentch didn't write this article. But he set in motion every single event that contributed to it. Yes. Even this specific author's decision to write this paragraph.
• The one place Tzeentch is afraid to go is the Well of Eternity; he believes that it is the beginning and end of the universe. He was wrong, it is where Sly Marbo lives. To find out what was in there, he sent in expeditions of Lords of Change and Horrors but they never came back out. Finally he grabbed Kairos Fateweaver, his vizier, and threw him in. Due to lots and lots of Just as planned Fateweaver survived but was horribly disfigured. Marbo slapped himself for letting that one get away and forced himself to keep doing pushups until a planet the size of Jupiter was split in half as self discipline.
• The Warcraft and Starcraft franchises' existence are both Tzeentch's doing, he is the one that caused GW to turn down Blizzard's initial offer to make an RTS game. When Fateweaver was interrogated about why Tzeentch did that, the lying head dodged the question and the truth telling one said that there was no reason.
• Contrary to what many would assume, Tzeentch is terrible and RTS games because he can never focus on one goal for a long enough period of time to focus on winning, or least that's the reason he claims why he lost at Supreme Commander to an illiterate Ork that did nothing but hit random keys the entire game.
• Tzeentch claims that Snowflame was his doing, arguing who else could be insane enough to create such a character. Slaanesh claims that Tzeentch is lying and that Snowflame is his/here doing, but Tzeentch points out that Slaanesh is also a liar, meaning that nobody knows who is lying.
• Tzeentch's realm is guarded by a labyrinth that can only be passed by the mad. It was only defeated once, by a little girl with a small black dog, and even Tzeentch doesn't know how because the guardians refuse to discuss it (totally canon BTW).

See Also

• Thousand Sons
• Ballad of the Thousand Sons
• Thousand Son and Guardswoman
• The Game (Tzeentch)
• Rubric Marines

Gallery

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  Tzeentchs followers

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  The Avatar of Change. We are all Tzeentchilist now.

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  psychics and sorcerers are attracted to Tzeentch

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  tattoo

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  This proves that Tzeentchian Daemons can sometimes be naughty too.

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  This is speculated to be the true appearance of Tzeentch

The Chaos Gods of Warhammer 40,000 and Warhammer Fantasy
Four Main Chaos Gods:	Khorne - Nurgle - Slaanesh - Tzeentch
Other Gods of Chaos:	Archaon - Hashut - Horned Rat - Nuffle Malal - Morghur - Necoho - Zuvassin
Chaos Gods of Law:	Alluminas - Arianka - Solkan the Avenger