Twilight

This article or section contains opinions shared by all and/or vast quantities of Derp. It is liable to cause Rage. Take things with a grain of salt and a peck of Troll.

Twilight is the next level of obnoxious fangirl faggotry, after the Harry Potter series.

Plot Synopsis

Basically a Mary Sue named Bella gets saved from a car crash by Edward, who is also a Marty Stu and looks all gothy and shit. After half a book of plodding romantic crap, we learn that he's a vampire (as though the sunken eyes and pale skin weren't a massive tipoff). But it's okay -- him and his family are vegetarian vampries, they don't drink blood. Oh, and sunlight doesn't kill them, it makes them sparkle like Tinkerbell on a six-coffee bender.

"Twilight" in a nutshell: Bloo hoo, I'm a maverick girl who's all alone because the other girls are bitches. Whoa! Spooky guy stopped a car with his bare hands! "Stay away from me, I'm (hand to forehead) not what I seem to be," says spooky boy. He's a vampire, but a totally non-threatening one, unless he gets aroused then he says he'll rip my head off and fuck the stump, but I find that even more alluring. Oh noes! Some eeeeevil vampires want to kill Edward, so they're going to kidnap my mom... who abandoned me to travel the world with her new husband, so naturally I love her enough to sacrifice my life. Double oh noes! The evil vampire bit me! Here comes Edward to save the day, and to suck the poison out so I won't become a vampire. Now I want to take him to the Prom! Hey! Hey Edward! Can I be a vampire too? "I am a ninety-year old man, you're a sixteen year old little girl, yet somehow I feel you are my soul-mate, my peer, my equal... so, no, you can't join our club."

Most of the of the "action" of each book revolves around Bella being saved by her hot sexy bloodsucking boyfriend and ends in a "twist" that can best be summed up as;

I'm gonna die a horrible death during childbirth, and my kid's gonna look like a hellspawn all because I fucked a vampire. Oh hold the phone-- it's ok, he's going to turn me into a vampire too, and mystical vampire magic will heal my spine so I can frolic through the forest in heels and a cocktail dress while my werewolf ex-boyfriend tries to fuck my baby hellspawn daughter.

SEQUAL

On November 20th 2009 New Moon will be coming out. That's right folks, more vampire hell is coming...oh wait this time they're screwing with werewolves. Yup. They are going to take the awesome war between vampires and werewolves and fill it with goddammed Mary Sues. And Bella is probly gonna get filled with werewolf humpjuice. She'll get pregnant and and start shootin' babies like a cannon.

What's the third movie going to be? She falls in love with a Mummy?

Did we mention it's swamped with Mary Sues?

In conclusion:

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGEEEEEE

External Links

• Bum Reviews on Twilight.
• Stephanie Meyer sucks. Stephen King agreed, don't argue about it.

• 

  Not even Japan is safe.

• 

  Sir Stephen, King of Trolls.

• Bella giving birth to a beautiful baby boy! ^-^

  Bella giving birth to a beautiful baby boy! ^-^

• 

  Know the difference, it could save your life.

• 
• 
• 
• If you look at this picture, you've basically read the book.

  If you look at this picture, you've basically read the book.

• 
• 
• 
• 

  This is the REAL reason why we hate the book