Baldur's Gate

Baldur's Gate is a fucking awesome series of 2e Dungeons & Dragons CRPGs based in the Forgotten Realms campaign setting. They were made by Bioware between 1998 and 2001, and comprise four games in total; Baldur's Gate, Baldur's Gate II: Shadows of Amn, and their respective expansions Tales of the Sword Coast and Throne of Bhaal. The games follow the story of a Bhaalspawn (the player's character) as they discover their identity and have to deal with both the effects it has on themselves and the threat of outside agencies who wish to use the player's character for their own goals.

The series uses the isometric Infinity Engine common to many of Bioware's titles, also used in such games as Planescape: Torment and the Icewind Dale series. Alongside Planescape: Torment, the series (especially BGII) is regarded by many as one of the best CRPGs of all time. The games are notable for being remarkably freeform and presenting a wide variety of options for resolving the problems that are faced, as well as supporting virtually any sort of alignment the player character chooses. The choices available and sheer number of side-quests that can be undertaken provide a vast amount of replayability to the game.

The games are also known for the great amount of dialogue and conversation options available, especially in BGII, where NPC party members frequently held conversations with the player and other NPCs in the world. These could range from hilarious (as in the case of Edwin or Minsc) to darkly serious.

If even the vast options available in the vanilla games were not enough, dedicated players have access to a wide variety of user-made mods that have been produced for the game, which vary in scope between fixing bugs in the game and improving AI to adding entirely new potential NPC party members complete with their own dialogue and quests. There are even conversions that allow for porting the Baldur's Gate content into the visually superior BGII interface - useful considering BGI's inability to support a higher resolution than 640x480.

There is even a texture pack for Minecraft based on the graphics from Baldur's Gate. Just for you.

Some crazy bastards in the early 2010s actually managed to get the rights to officially create an updated version to both games, and to Icewind Dale. Known as the Baldur's Gate Enhanced Editions, these can now be bought off of Steam and downloaded; they come with a lot of fixes, including a bunch of new characters. While there's some skubbery about how good a job they did (the lack of support for the popular, semi-official "Ascension" mod is a particular bone of contention), most agree they're well worth getting for the history alone.

Quotes

As described above, Baldur's Gate is remembered for the large number of witty and amusing quotes of its NPCs. A selection are given here. Minsc quotes are found on his page, as he is sufficiently awesome as to need a page all to himself.

• JAHEIRA: "You are amusing, in a 'what the hell is wrong with you?' kind of way."

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• EDWIN: "Oh, fine, fine! Kick around Edwin, is it?! Were it not for the gobs of wealth and magic that seem to fall into your lap wherever you go, I would never tolerate such insolence! (As it is, just waiiit until you sleep...)"

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• VICONIA: "Tell me, Harper, who was who with your parentage? Father the darthir, mother the rivvil? Or father human, mother elven? It's always confusing with crossbred mongrels."
• JAHEIRA: "Two people in love, swine. A rain not likely to soak your parade of scabbed obscenity any time soon."

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• [After Edwin inadvertently turns himself into a woman while seeking magical power.]
• HAER'DALIS:

"I once knew a Red Wizard of Thay,
Who dreamed of lichdom someday,
He said he knew how to do it,
But he still managed to screw it
Up, in the funniest way."

• EDWIN(A): "Thank the gods he is not a better poet. This is one tale I would rather not see immortalised in print."

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• YOSHIMO: "Tell me, Edwina, would you like me to let out the seams on your robe? I am quite handy with a needle. You do, after all, have more, ah, bulk, in the upper chest area."
• EDWIN(A): "Silence, you fool! Chauvinist pig! ...what am I saying? I mean to say idiot!"

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• EDWIN(A): "I feel your stares! Die! Die!"

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• KORGAN: "Be aware, Mazzy, I've something long, hard, and low to the ground you're free to touch and fondle. Child, no need to glare. 'Twas me axe I was referring to. It's a joke!"
• MAZZY: "That's delightful, Korgan. Not lengthy, but effective."

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• VICONIA: "Tree hugger, I have a question for you. If a tree falls in a forest, does anyone care?"

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• HAER'DALIS: "Ah, my hound, this city be the great world of commerce! Perhaps we can sell Jaheira?"
• JAHEIRA: "Cut your wit, bard. The day has been long already, without you adding hours to it."
• HAER'DALIS: "Cut my wit? Why, certainly, if only I could use your nose's razor edge to perform the task."
• JAHEIRA: "Aye, it seems I've sharpened it upon the grindstone of your heart."
• HAER'DALIS: "Well, my frumpy ptarmigan, I must protest-"
• JAHEIRA: " "Methinks thou dost protest too much." Aye, I can quote the poets too. If you must protest, I respond only to hunger strikes and, even then, too late."
• HAER'DALIS: "Oh [PC name], raven of sympathy! Yon woman is stifling my creativity and stealing thunder from my wit! I swear I cannot work midst the lashings of her tongue!"

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• JAHABOAM: "Ho there, I have worked long and lonely hours and it is good to see a friendly face! Care to see some of my trinkets and far flung wares? Something special, something plain, whatever you wish for in these uncertain times, I can make accommodation. Something... for the lady, perhaps? Oh yes, I see a glint in the eye. There is romance afoot, and it needs the dancing partner of the adornments of affection!"
• JAHEIRA: "N-no, that's quite alright. Do not make a fuss."
• JAHABOAM: "Nonsense! Oh, but perhaps I have overstepped my bounds with my observant eyes. I apologize most profusely. It changes nothing, though. You sir, your name?"
• PC: "[PC name]"
• JAHABOAM: "[PC name]? The name of a man that knows his heart, but perhaps has troubles warming the lady's heart. By no fault of your own, of course! Perhaps a gift?"
• JAHEIRA: "I said not to..."
• JAHABOAM: "I believe I was speaking to the gentleman. Now sir, she is a lady of the battlefield, so a commemorative blade possibly? No? I have the perfect thing! A locket to carry an endearing portrait! A minor magic will instantly implant a likeness of the lady. A mere 20 gold, that you might but glance at my other items."
• PC: "I believe the lady said she didn't want anything."
• JAHABOAM: "As you will. Farewell for now. Good luck to you and the lady. Ahh, to be young. Jahaboam bids you not squander what there is to grasp. Farewell!"
• JAHEIRA: "What a... charming fellow. Completely insane of course. Out of his mind. Blind as a bat. No idea what he was saying."
• PC: "Yes... yes, of course. Out of his mind. Yes."
• JAHEIRA: "Yes. Well. Let's... let's get going, shall we?"

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• MOOK: "Bloody fine to have some backup. I've heard a bit about you. Been makin' a name for yourself as an adventurer."
• PC: "Thanks. I do my best."
• MOOK: "Aren't you a bit too heroic to be guarding shipments for Aran?"
• PC: "Tis merely a path on the road to another heroic feat."
• MOOK: "I'm glad I could play a part in your little drama."

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• SIMYAZ: "You live! The illithids let you go? Astounding, unless you are in league with them. I warn you, if you serve them you will share their fate."
• PC: "No, actually, I DESTROYED THE WHOLE DAMN BUNCH WITHOUT YOU!!"
• SIMYAZ: "I sense hostility."

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• BEGGAR: "Excuse me... might you have a coin to spare my poor, venerable mother? She would ask for herself, but she lays in a cold, cold room nearly sick to her death, alas..."
• PC: "She's sick, is she? Perhaps you could bring me to her... I might be able to offer her some help."
• BEGGAR: "Hmph. You could just say 'no', you know... (Always has to be me that runs into them good samaritan types...)

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• CAPTAIN EGEISSAG: "So you are the one who has caused so much trouble... I must admit, I am not impressed."
• PC: "Does Sendai think she can stop me by constantly throwing these pathetic slaves in my way?"
• EGEISSAG: "Your slaughter-filled progress has greatly alarmed my mistress. If I defeat you my reward will be truly worthwhile."
• SPECTATOR BEHOLDER: "Oh, Captain, my Captain!"
• EGEISSAG: "Eh? Why do you address me as such, beholder? You have a most peculiar attitude... I shall have to report it to the mistress soon."
• SPECTATOR: "Oh, never mind that. I always wanted to say that, and there you go getting all upset. I just had a comment, here, before this Bhaalspawn squashes you into so much mush."
• EGEISSAG: "Hmph. That may not necessarily happen."
• SPECTATOR: "Uh... yes. Anyhow, on the off chance that you *do* manage to kill the Bhaalspawn, won't Sendai just go the matron mothers and take all the credit for her greedy *little self?"
• EGEISSAG: "You... speak the truth, my mono-ocular friend. I would rather claim the credit for such a deed myself. Have you a suggestion?"
• SPECTATOR: "I'm just thinking it would be *so* much better if you fought [PC name] in single combat. Then you could claim to have killed him all by yourself. Even the matrons couldn't refute that. Parades, gold, a new torture rack, it'd all be yours."
• [The Spectator casts a spell; when either warrior dies, all of their followers will too. Egeissag and the PC fight. Predictably, it is a one-sided slaughter. Egeissag dies and so do his followers.]
• SPECTATOR: "Ahhh... and so it ends. And so does my service with this particular drow dolt. I mean, what's with these drow? Have they nothing better to do than summon me for their stupid tasks?"
• PC: "Hey... aren't you the spectator beholder from the Sahuagin city?"
• SPECTATOR: "That's me. And can I say thank you again for releasing me from one of the most boring tasks in Creation? These drow will just never learn."
• PC: "How is it that you didn't die with the drow?"
• SPECTATOR: "Oh, what? Did you really think I would cast that Geas on myself, too? That would be stupid."
• PC: "So what are you going to do now"
• SPECTATOR: "Oh, you know. Find the nearest hive. Check out the ladies. The usual. You?"
• PC: "Fighting for my life. The usual."

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• SOLAR: "When you return to the waking world, you will continue to speed towards your purpose... stopping the prophecy from coming true. My question... why will you do this?"
• PC: "Errr... because if it wasn't for world-shaking prophecies, life would be boring?"

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• [The PC releases three novice adventurers from a stone spell.]
• BONDARI: "Die, cursed eyeball! Wha? Uh...? ...Do I, uh, know you?"
• PC: "I have freed you from your stone prison, young adventurer."
• BONDARI: "Uh, thanks. Guys, are you okay?"
• NANOC THE BARBARIAN: Yeah.
• TIM GOLDENHAND: Yes. (No thanks to you... can't even backstab an eyeball!)
• BONDARI: Shut up, Tim! Greetings, my, uh... Lord. I am Bondari Quickhand, a thief. These are my companions Nanoc the Barbarian and Tim Goldenhand. He's an elf. And a mage. Uh... I guess I should thank you for saving us. Is there some way we brave adventurers can repay your kindness? Something we can do for you to fulfill our debt of gratitude? Anything? Anything at all?"
• PC: "A terrible evil has swept across the land and the lives of millions hang in the balance. You have been chosen, Bondari, and you must not fail in your quest!"
• BONDARI: "A quest! Wow, this is great! What do we have to do?"
• PC: "A fiendish beholder and his kobold cohorts have infested a cave to the east of here. An evil dragon threatens the land! I must have the beholder's eyestalk to slay the dragon and save the country from certain doom!"
• BONDARI: "By Mask's mask! We can't let this happen!"
• PC: "Go, noble adventurer, and retrieve the eyestalk. The fate of Tethyr lies in your hands!"
• BONDARI: "What type of reward do we get?"
• PC: "The satisfaction of a job well done. Do not argue, even now the dragon raises his army to crush the world!"
• BONDARI: "Well, we will be saving the world... Alright, we'll do it! Let's go, boys!"
• TIM: "Wait! I have to rest and memorize magic missile!"
• NANOC: "Worry not, elf. Nanoc will protect you!"
• [The next day.]
• BONDARI: "(I'm telling you we can take [PC name]. Nanoc, you are unfettered by the weaknesses of the civilized world! Tim, you can cast magic missile! I will backstab. I bet he has all kinds of great treasure!)"
• NANOC: "{But Tim is terrible. Remember the kobold king? He cast one spell then hid behind a rock while we had to slay everyone!)"
• TIM: "(Hey! I have the healing potions! I heal you!)"
• NANOC: "(I can shrug off a blow that would fell a normal man! Unfettered by your civilized ways, I...)"
• BONDARI: "(Enough. Ready...) ATTACK!!!"
• [The three adventurers attack the party. They are massacred.]
• [Bondari reloads]
• BONDARI: "Uh, here's your eyestalk sir. We found something else, too. I hope you like it."
• PC: "You have saved us all, noble hero."
• BONDARI: "Thanks. It was a good quest. I found a dagger and Tim here got a scroll of identify. In a couple of days he'll be able to tell me about my dagger."
• NANOC: "I bid you a 'Farewell' suitably unfettered by civilization."

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And of course, we must not forget the most awesome quote ever:

• PC: "Ok, I've just about had my FILL of riddle asking, quest assigning, insult throwing, pun hurling, hostage taking, iron mongering, smart arsed fools, freaks, and felons that continually test my will, mettle, strength, intelligence, and most of all, patience! If you've got a straight answer ANYWHERE in that bent little head of yours, I want to hear it pretty damn quick or I'm going to take a large blunt object roughly the size of Elminster AND his hat, and stuff it lengthwise into a crevice of your being so seldom seen that even the denizens of the nine hells themselves wouldn't touch it with a twenty-foot rusty halberd! Have I MADE myself perfectly CLEAR?!"