The Silmarillion

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The Silmarillion was a collection of world-generation notes by JRR Tolkien. Just like a modern passionate DM would do, he wrote many short stories about his own personal world inside of a journal. Most of it was incoherent and disorganized, as he wrote to it whenever whim took him in a writing mood. For the most part everything he wrote had strong christian influences, and many lines could be drawn between his own creation myth with that of Christianity; makes sense since Tolkien himself was a Christian. You could easily say that Illuvatar was equivalent to God, and Melkor would be satan (He's even described as being the most beautiful of the Valar!). Of course Tolkien died before he could ever put any of this to a book, so his journal was stuffed into a box and forgotten.

But this was not the end of Tolkien's journal. Many years later his son found the journal and decided to create a compilation of all the short stories. While there were many errors with timelines and such (Tolkien did not actually write it in any semblance of chronological order), his son made a great effort to organize it into the Silmarillion.

In A Nutshell

The Creation Myth

In the beginning, there was absolutely nothing. Then the god Illuvatar began singing. Of course this wasn't just any sort of singing, because to gods like him, singing was a means of weaving raw magic into a pure and physical form. He began his singing by creating his children, the Valar, who in turn joined him in a new heavenly chorus. There were many Valar, who each sang a different part of the world into existence, such as Ulmo who created the seas and oceans, and Aule who created the Dwarves, though they were flawed. Some time after Illuvatar found out and was displeased. Aule revealed he'd created them out of love for Illuvatar and to help the latter's creations, so Illuvatar infused Dwarves with the Secret Fire (true magic of life) to make them truly alive and fix the flaws.

Unfortunately, the First Dark Lord was also in this group. A Valar by the name of Melkor; described as the most beautiful and gifted singer of all the Valar, decided that he wanted to create his own song. Twice in a row he tried this, and each time Illuvatar showed him a new, more beautiful song to both amaze the other Valar, and show up Melkor. Melkor first created Fire, hot and cold. As a consequence of the creation of Fire, evil was introduced into the world, but also beauty was created as hot and cold made Weather. The second of his singing served to seat evil in the world by warping many creations, such as granting scorpions their tails. For this, Melkor was cast out of the Valar's Chorus.

Bejewelled

The Valar that still wanted to play the Sims got sick of Melkor's shit after he destroyed the two lights they were using to keep Arda (the Earth) from being shades of grey with chest-high walls. These lamps blew up when Melkor knocked them over, and split the formerly continuous landmass into three separate continents. So they went to Aman (the western continent), built two trees to be the lights, and got to work. Eventually they got the DLC for stars, and managed to install Sims: Elves Edition. Melkor was "finally! mobs I can grind for experience!" but the Valar beat him down and brought him back as a captive. Elves were installed in Middle Earth (the central continent), and ported over to Aman in what was later to be dubbed "worst idea ever".

The Elves were working out really well, and levelled up their crafting skills huge. Feanor, an elf king, made three awesome jewels called the Silmarils that glowed just like the two trees used to light up the place. The minute Melkor's ban was over, he posted an apology to /v/alar and asked if he could see what they were working on. He immediately DDoSed the two trees, killing them, and stole the Silmarils and fucked off to Middle-Earth to raid the elves there. He got pwned, and holed up in the roguelike dungeon Angband.

Feanor was fukkin pissed, so much he couldn't type straight and kept calling Melkor "Morgoth." He was so pissed he picked fights with any other elf kingdoms that offered to help. He travelled to Middle-Earth, played Angband over and over again trying to get his light-jewels back, and got himself killed (it's a roguelike, duh). His elf kingdom stayed there, besieging and playing Angband for 400 years until Morgoth said "enough already!" and got those damn kids off his front lawn.

Meanwhile, back in Aman, the Valar hastily installed a 3rd-party 'Sun & Moon' patch to make up for the destroyed light-trees. 'Sun' only works half the time, but it's better than nothing and the Silmaril backups got stolen so what're you gonna do? They also bought the 'Sims: Men Expansion' DLC at the same time, and installed it too.

Some of the Men NPCs got into playing Angband. Then the DM made a character for himself, named Beren, started a romance with an elf king's daughter Luthien (the Dungeon-master's-girlfriend's character). Elf-dad was a racist shit, but that would look bad, so he said "sure you can date my daughter, IF you can finish a run of Angband by bringing a Silmaril jewel back to level zero." Beren and Luthie played together, almost got Dark-Souls'd by a Maiar acting as a boss-monster NPC named Sauron, but managed to pull it off. The wedding was on a Tuesday, but afterwards Beren got ganked, and later Luthien became an hero... but she sings some Goth poetry to the Grim Reaper-equivalent who, with Illuvatar's permission, gives them an extra life for finding the Simiaril, and they both lives as mortals until they died a second time.

The rest of the elves were pretty sure that a Man and an Elf playing together was some kind of exploit, so they stopped being racist and started playing in teams, even getting Dwarves in on the teams. Unfortunately, Melkor was able to appeal to the inherent LOL RANDUMB of Men and got them to do stupid shit like playing huntards and wiping with Leeroy Jenkins bullshit. Still, not every Man was an idiot, some had high DPS or knew how to tank, so the elves didn't go back to being totally racist.

Blah blah a Man named Turin leaves home, blah blah blah loses his memory and hooks up with his mind-wiped sister, blah blah defeats the dragon Summer Glaurung, totally not his fault he killed his best friend, totally not his fault he knocks up his own sister, when they both find out they become an heroic pair.

Bro-tier Man named Tuon weds a hot elf shortie named Idril, and founds the Middle-Earth version of Seattle, which is where the elves move to after the Angband MMO servers shut down and they lost all their kingdoms. Tuon and Idril's kid Earwig ends up dating Beren & Luthie's kid Elwing. Elwing brings the one loose Silmaril as an engagement gift, and Earwig uses it to travel across the ocean to the western continent to make a "modz plz halp" appeal to the Valar. The Valar wake up, check out Angband, and ban the fuck out of Melkor again. Earwig comes back and has celebration nookie with Elwing. Since they're both half-elves their kids should've been half-elves too, but fucking EA and their Sims glitches, the kids had to choose one or the other. Little Elrond chose to be full elf, though he's still called "Elrond Half-Elven". Little Elros chose to be full man, but he still managed to live to 500 years old with haxx.

Civilization

On the way back home from wrecking Melkor's shit, the Valar were impressed with three kingdoms of Men who joined the bro-quest to help elves, and gave them an island to play Numenor on, and let them start the game as Dunedain with plenty of starting tech and every unit constructed starts with elite status. They easily defeated the boss monster Sauron and patted themselves on the back because capturing Sauron was totally their idea. Sauron's a Maiar, so killing him is impossible, he just chilled in the dungeons, and told the Men how awesome they were even though they aren't elves... cause elves are immortal, but it's so great you can still do stuff with your disability. The Dunedain started getting into fad diets and buying life-extension supplements on home-shopping channels, which ironically made their lifespans shorter. "Well, if I was a Valar, I could edit the Sims:Men source code," said Sauron, and the Dunedain totally came up with the idea on their own to attack the Valar to demand an immortality patch. "My old boss Melkor is a Valar, maybe he could help if he was free," and the Dunedain fell for that too.

So the Dunedain switched their game settings to max out military bonuses, and sailed west. The Valar and Elves knew they were getting a full-on /b/ invasion, and appealed to Iluvatar all-father for a government bailout. Illuvatar banhammered the invasion fleet, and did an Atlantis on the island of Numenor for good measure. Sauron was still in jail when the place was rekt, and he lost his sweet Maiar character and had to start over in Middle-Earth. Some Men of Numenor managed to survive, and washed up on Middle-Earth. They still had their cheat-mode bonuses, and easily became kings among men. One of them started Gondor in the south.

Sonic

The last story is about the gold rings. Sauron fooled people into thinking he was going to play Neutral Good with his new character, and made or help make new client plugins for all his friends called "rings of power". Each ring is actually a trojan to be installed to get the account passwords for the kings of men, dwarves and elves. He had a master One Ring that could backdoor all the others, hopefully to turn all the people of Middle-Earth into his personal spam botnet. The Elves and the survivors of Numenor team up and wreck Sauron's shit. Just as the elves start thinking maybe not all Numenorians are greedy shits like the ones that tried to attack Aman, the king of Men Ilsidur decides the One Ring is too 'leet to delete, and keeps it for himself. Elves give up on Men totally. Ilsidur himself dies on the way home in a stupid horse accident.

And that's when the hobbits came in.