Avatar

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Avatar (Also known as Pochahontas. IIINNN SPAAACCCE!) is a totally shite heretical xeno-lover movie by closet furry,James Cameron. It involves a cool jungle moon (Endor? Tanith? Pre-crisis Tallarn?), a huge amount of weird animals, power-hungry humans mining for a ridiculously named material (Unobtainium, seriously, who the fuck came up with that name?!) and a race of hot blue natives *BLAM!* CONTEMPTIBLE HERETIC! YOU ARE A TRAITOR TO YOUR RACE!a race of vile Slaaneshi aliens known as the Na'vi.

Things that rock

This movie is not fucking awesome. But some of the examples below make watching the movie tolerable.

• Giant monsters that eat ten foot tall Na'vi warriors for breakfast.
• Large amounts of furries slaughtered like livestock.
• Massive evil corporations make ridiculous plans in an attempt to make lots of money or find fuel or some shit.
• HOT BLUE NATIVE TITS! What tits? You mean those minuscule bumps on their chests? Also, HERESY! *BLAM* Fuck you! Small tits are the best tits! Still Xeno tits. *BLAM*

Things that suck

Again, we stress this movie is shit. There are a lot of things wrong with it. Such things include:

• Oh god not another "save the environment" anvilicious story. This is Disney's Pocahantas and Kevin Costner's "Dances with Wolves" as performed by Blue Man Group.
• The mechs don't have gun arms!

that's because they are multi-purpose machines, not originally meant for combat. Think of them as fork-trucks.

So why carry robot-sized rifles instead of safer & more accurate shoulder-mounted weapons?

How would said weapons be operated, given that they are controlled by copying the motion's of the pilots?

You could have just gone with some sort of A.I. to control it. Or, hell, why not just use terminators? Giant robots are of no use in close quarters jungle fighting.

and what the fuck is with an exoskeleton carrying a robot-sized KNIFE to a gun fight?

• The Na'vi breed with their hair. They also stick their breeding hair into animals while they ride. By Slaanesh, yes, in addition to being furries, the Na'vi are also into bestiality.
• The marines are depicted as ruthless douche-bag mercenaries. Just like in real life. Minus the "mercenaries" part.

But what sci-fi movie/videogame hasn't depicted marines as douche-bags in some way?

Atleast most of those movies/video games had the ability to be half way decent.

• Colonel Miles Quaritchis a fucking idiot fucker, even though he's the only marine with balls of steel.
• Blue elves are better than humans? Fuck you, James Cameron, you xenos lover.

actual quote from pre-production: "I want you to keep redesigning the Na'vi until you want to fuck it."

• Xenos love? That's EXTRA HERETICAL!
• Unforgivable lack of orbital bombardment or nukes or any semi-intelligent military tactics. You could spend a lot of fuel and manpower engaging the enemy in melee, or you could call in an artillery strike and dig the natural resources out later; it's a war crime either way, go big or go home.
• No tactical genius whatsoever.(I mean, who charges a fucking gun line with cavalry armed with bows and arrows? The same guy who thinks it's a good idea to send regiments of regular human soldiers armed with cardboard for armor and flashlights for guns against heavily armored, batshit insane superhumans capable of tearing them apart in 3 seconds or less, Technologically advanced space communists capable of picking them off like flies a mile away, horridly savage xenomorphs who wants to nom nom your entire squad in a single bite, soulless space zombies who want to kill everything that has a pulse, faggy space elves with xenotech you have no fucking idea about, and Green-skinned xeno-barbarians that were made for fighten' and winnin'. )
• All the vehicles appear to have been made by the Dark Eldar with their trademark wet cardboard armor plating, even high-tech gunships can't withstand the power of simple wooden arrows that are the size of Ballista bolts fired downwards by the space furries. Probably because of low gravity and because the natives have spacemarine strength and CARBON FIBRE SKELETONS!!
• Replace "blue alien" with "coloured guy" and the whole movie turns incredibly racist. The white protagonist is basically the Na'vi's Jesus.
• The film insinuates that xenocide is bad. However, we all know what must be done with the horrid offshoots of space elves and furries.
• The unobtainable mineral that the marines want is called unobtainium. I dare you to come up with more retarded name.

And Another Thing

And another side note: The blue space elf people didn't really think too hard when they let the humans go in the end of the movie... so in about ten years the humans will return.... with bombs. And gentlmen, it will be fucking glorious.

And a psychotic old man does a review slagging Avatar at YouTube.

Gallery

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  The first rough draft of the script.

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  One of the most iconic victories in the movie.

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  An up-close look at a Na'vi specimen.

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  The avatar creation program in progress.

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  Read this comic and you basically have seen the whole movie.

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  The whole movie, beginning to end.

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  A na'vi mating ritual in process.

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• For some reason, he doesn't realize the giant, growling monster 2 feet away from him.

  For some reason, he doesn't realize the giant, growling monster 2 feet away from him.

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  THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!!!!

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  Unleash the furry!

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  The true hero of Avatar.

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