Regulations of the Imperial Guard

Things the Imperial Guard is no longer allowed to do:

In 985 M.41, a garbled order from the Munitorium resulted in the agri-world of Nawtadefwald receiving orders to raise a new regiment for service with the Imperial Guard. After the standard triple-check to make sure everything was in order, the planet's government carried out the order immediately, and raised the 397th Light Mechanised Regiment, to be ready for immediate deployment offworld. It should be noted, at this point, that the Nawtans (as they prefer to be called) produce an unusually large amount of meat-based products, due to the truly unfortunate number of wild grox found on the planet's surface (sometimes the difference between a death world and an agri-world is a lot smaller than most people would prefer). The need to both hunt and herd these creatures has resulted in a populace that, upon receiving orders to produce a light mechanized regiment OF Sentinels, Tauros Rapid Assault Vehicles, and Salamanders, as opposed to a light mechanized regiment WITH all three of the above, saw nothing at all wrong with these orders, and probably felt vaguely cheered that the Munitorium was at long last displaying an uncommon amount of good horse sense. It probably says something that producing said regiment did not make a noticeable dent in the local PDF inventories. Needless to say, the regiment in question, while undeniably effective, has a reputation such that most people who encounter them immediately feel sorry for the Commissar. This has been known to include traitorous Guardsmen, and, on one notable occasion, an Ork warboss. The following list has been compiled—at some personal risk—by the regimental Commissar, called Scipio, in a desperate last-ditch effort to keep the chaos known as “the regiment is not directly in the combat zone” sort of vaguely under control.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q3Yc3HhSl1Q

The Regulations of the Imperial Guard

1. The Commissar does not have psychic powers. It is wrong to tell new recruits that he does.

• a) It is also wrong to tell Inquisitors that he does, and he will not appreciate the joke. Neither will they.

2. All troopers are reminded that the Commissarial recaff is VERY IMPORTANT, and the next time some joker decides to doctor it for a prank, the perpetrator WILL be shot. Even if the Commissar has to have the entire regiment shot to make sure he gets the culprit.

• a) Yes, he can do that. He's the Commissar.

3. Troopers are no longer allowed to put wheels on the Sentinels so they can go faster.

• a) Troopers are no longer allowed to challenge other Sentinel pilots to a skating race.
• b) Troopers are no longer allowed to rig Sentinels equipped with wheels with backwards-pointing flamers to increase speed.
• c) Troopers are no longer allowed to offer the Tech-priests rides in a roller-skating Sentinel if they'll just modify yours
• d) Troopers are no longer allowed to tell Sentinel pilots that all the cool pilots are using wheels.
• e) Wheee!
• f) I don't care if the Mechanicus DID produce approved wheel kits. Take those damned wheels off!

4. Troopers may no longer take the Emperor's name in vain (but it's okay if officers do it).

• a) No longer allowed to take the Emperor's name in vanes.
• b) The Emperor's name is not Vayn. Or Vayne. Or any other derivative thereof.

5. No longer allowed to use rude language in chapel.

• a) No longer allowed to challenge the chaplain's rude language in chapel.
• b) No longer allowed to fall asleep during the chaplain's sermons.
• c) No longer allowed to doctor the chaplain's recaff before services.
• d) No longer allowed to heckle in services. Especially not when the chaplain has just consumed doctored recaff.
• e) Because he carries a fucking Eviscerator, that's why! Idiots!

6. The regiment's recaff is off-limits for pranks, black market trades, and any and all experiments in making ration bars edible.

• a) Dude. Making those things edible is a lost cause. Just give it up, already.

7. Inquisitor Hicks would like to inform Private Slokum that she does indeed have a “purdy mouth,” and that she actually has once killed a man by biting his testicles off.

8. Any incoming message that makes the entire command staff wince and move to protect their family jewels is bloody well going to end with SOMEBODY getting disciplinary action.

9. The Commissar does not get drunk. Getting drunk is something that happens to lesser mortals, like Generals, Inquisitors, Planetary Governors, and Space Marines. If you thought you saw the Commissar drunk last night, you were mistaken.

10. If nuking them from orbit were enough to be sure, Private, the Emperor would not have to send for us!

• a) We are not the troops they send for when the Space Marines aren't enough.
  • a) We are not normally the troops they send for when the Space Marines aren't enough.
• b) We are not “The Last Unit You Will Ever Need.”
• c) Nor are we the Mechs in Black.
• d) Yes, the uniforms are tan and khaki. No, this does not mean we can claim to be Light Brownshirts.

11. All troopers should be advised that the regiment's supply of chewing gum is reserved for qualified Mechanicus adepts only. All others will have to settle for kicking ass without gum.

12. Fuzzy dice are NOT part of the regulation gear for Sentinels, Salamanders, or Tauros RAVs.

• a) Marshmallows are not part of the standard equipment for flamer-equipped units.
• b) Heavy Flamers are not issued to help you keep warm, so knock it off!

13. The Commissar still does not have psychic powers.

• a) You do not have psychic powers either.
• b) The Chaplain would like to remind all troopers that possession of psychic powers, or any other form of mutation, is a sign of Chaos-worship, and is therefore punishable by eventual death.
  • a) This does not involve a high-fiber diet and a healthy morning exercise routine.

14. The Commissar would like to remind troopers that it is impossible to shoot incoming artillery shells out of the air with a pistol of any kind, and that he has never done so. Not even once. It is wrong to tell new recruits that he has.

• a) Nor is it possible to shoot down enemy aircraft with a pistol. The Commissar has never done so. It is wrong to tell new recruits that the Commissar does this.
• b) Nor is it possible to shoot lasgun blasts out of the air with a pistol. The Commissar has never done this. It is wrong to tell new recruits that he has.
• c) Nor is it possible to destroy a tank with a pistol. Troopers are reminded that the incident on Bertrand V was a fluke, and new recruits should not be told about it.

15. Troopers are no longer allowed to offer to bribe the Commissar with any of the following items:

• depleted power cells
• broken chainsword teeth
• storm shields
• live hand grenades
• non-functioning power weapons
• cursed relics
• used bubble gum
• second-hand beer
• Ogryn porn
• ratlings
• xeno corpses
• Earthshaker artillery shells (although they are very cool, he already has one)
• beer that has gone flat
• no-alcohol lager
• moldy bread
• used condoms

16. Colonel Blake is subject to a rare genetic condition that causes random bouts of inexplicable sanity. He is to be commended for having risen to his current rank despite this handicap, not mocked for the inevitable consequences.

• a) The Colonel's fuchytol medication is to be left alone, no matter how awesome the prank might be.

17. Troopers are to report for formation, drill, and/or mission briefing in full uniform, with weapon, armor, and helmet.

• a) Troopers are strictly forbidden from redesigning their uniform to “better display their physique.”
• b) Trooper weapons consist of a lasgun, a bayonet, two grenades, and a bad attitude. Depending on the trooper, this may also include foul language. They do not include: xenos weapons, fictional xenos weapons, home-made explosives, Mechanicus-sanctioned explosive vests, a cheerful and friendly demeanor, or anything that could be detonated by accident.
  • a) Nor do they include claymores of any kind.

18. When your name is called upon in morning roll call, the correct response is “present”. It is not “They'll never take me alive!”

• a) Yes, we can prove anything we want.

19. The Commissar is quite sure that your parents were loving people, who were good, Emperor-fearing citizens of the Imperium. However, when he is called out of his nice warm bed at three in the morning to deal with your drunken antics, he is not inclined to believe this.

• a) If you were part of another regiment, he might be willing to admit that your parents may well have been at least somewhat honest.

20. Troopers are no longer permitted to refit Sentinels, Salamanders, or Tauros RAVs with non-standard salvaged battlefield equipment without filling out the proper paperwork.

• a) Paperwork for xenos weapons and artifacts should be submitted to the Forgery Unit in 2nd Platoon, G Company.
  • a) It is considered polite, when answering an Inquisitor's questions on your non-standard and potentially xeno-constructed equipment, to make sure that the forged paperwork you present does not bear that particular Inquisitor's signature and insignia.
• b) Any weapon that would make your vehicle flip or fall over when fired may not be refitted, regardless of the paperwork acquired.

21. If an officer from another unit asks why Colonel Blake's Tauros Venator is equipped with a Vanquisher, the correct answer is “That's just a piece of pipe we rigged up to scare the enemy, not an actual gun.”

• a) If asked, the shells beside said piece of pipe are filled with paint, and are used for distraction purposes.
• b) Please keep in mind that Private Slokum's ability to acquire more rounds for Colonel Blake's Venator is very limited. For this reason, the paint-filled ammunition is strictly off-limits.

22. You are not the queen of mice, cheese, or sleaze.

• a) You are not distantly related to the planetary governor.
• b) You are not closely related to the planetary governor.
• c) You may not make up worlds to be the planetary governor of.
• d) We have solicitors, and are prepared to use them if anybody else claims to be nobly born. You have been warned.

23. If an idea makes you giggle for more than fifteen seconds, you are not allowed to do it.

• a) If an idea makes somebody else giggle for more than fifteen seconds, you are not allowed to do it.
• b) Anything that makes Commissar Beckett giggle for any length of time is strictly forbidden, and will be punished by firing squad.
• c) The above rule also applies to any ideas put forth by visiting Inquisitors, whether they induce any amount of giggling or not.

24. Tech-priests are no longer allowed to customize regimental power loaders without direct regimental authorization.

• a) This is particularly true for any idea that involves power-loader-sized Eviscerator chain-swords. One is enough, thank you.

25. Your rocket-launchers cannot open ration tins. Please stop trying.

• a) Obliterating a ration tin does not count as opening it.

26. Minefields are not cleared by having all the lowest-ranked pilots move through a suspected area first. It is wrong to tell new recruits this.

27. Commissar Beckett's pistols have not been blessed by the Emperor himself. It is wrong to tell new recruits this.

• a) Commissar Becket's pistols have not been blessed by any known Imperial Saint, either.
• b) Nor have they been blessed by any other type of religious figure. We've checked.
• c) For the record, Ol' Betsy was produced less than five years ago in an underhive workshop on Necromunda. It was not blessed by a dying saint on Salvation Day, and will not banish demons by its mere presence. At least, not that anybody has ever proven, anyway.
  • a) Nor will it banish heretics, sorcerers, xenos, psykers, or senior officers.
  • b) All evidence to the contrary, Ol' Betsy will not banish tanks or incoming artillery fire, either. We hope not, anyway.
  • c) Although humorously appropriate, Private Banfry's death due to accidental weapons discharge has been thoroughly investigated, and it has been definitively ruled that it was not the result of divine justice on Ol' Betsy's behalf.
  • d) Yes, those markings on Ol' Betsy's barrel represent tank kills. No, you may not try to replicate the feats involved.

28. Commissar Beckett is far more badass than you will ever be, or will ever need to be. Trying to match his battlefield performance will get you shot.

• a) If you survive the attempt, the Commissar will shoot you himself.

29. Corporal McLaghlin is banned from making recaff with the regimental mess unit.

• a) Corporal McLaghlin is banned from making recaff anywhere, with any kind of gear.
• b) All trooper should be informed that the rumors claiming that three men had to have their stomachs pumped immediately after drinking Corporal McLaghlin's coffee are completely false.
  • a)Rumors that none of them lived long enough to have their stomachs pumped are also false, as Private McAuliff is still with us today.
• c) Suffering from the hallucinogenic after-effects of Corporal McLaghlin's recaff will no longer be accepted as an excuse for not showing up for duty.
  • a) Prisoners of war are not to be allowed to drink Corporal McLaghlin's recaff in combination with any interrogation drugs. These are enemies of the Emperor and of all Mankind, and are not to be permitted the mercy of a quick death.
• d) Corporal McLaghlin cannot curdle recaff just by his mere presence. It is wrong to tell new recruits this. Not to mention a bit creepy.

30. Chaplain Whittaker would like to remind all troopers that the Imperial Creed as used by the Imperial Guard has twenty-two verses, not twenty-three, and that the last verse is most definitely not “need to know.”

• a) Nor is it “kill it with fire.”
• b) Nor is it “being crazy is not enough.”
• c) Nor is it “kick their ass, don't piss on them.”
  • a) Although that is a good suggestion.

31. Commissar Bennet does not shave by shooting the individual hairs off because he thinks that using a razor doesn't give a close enough shave.

• a) This does not mean that Commissar Bennet shaves by shooting the individual hairs off of his face for some other reason.

32. “Oops” is a four-letter word. Using it in combat conditions will get you shot. If you're lucky, you'll get shot by the enemy.

• a) You will not be lucky.

33. Orks do not taste like chicken.

• a) Nor do they taste like Soylens Viridiens.
• b) Grots are not edible.
  • a) Never dare a Space Marine to eat an Ork. Those crazy buggers might just do it.
• c) Tyrannids are not edible either.
• d) Nor are Kroot.
• e) Troopers are advised that partially consumed Necron material may cause internal organs to phase out along with the rest of the Necrons' bodies.

34. Troopers may no longer create non-standard porn. Troopers with non-standard porn will be required to either dispose of it privately, or burn it publicly.

35. Psykers are not required to be bald under regulation 369777c. It is wrong to tell new recruits that they are.

• a) Nor are they required to be bald under any other regulation.

36. Troopers may no longer try to land-surf using captured squigs.

37. Troopers will no longer be permitted to claim that they are suffering side effects from drugs they have never taken.

38. Using a Sentinel's grappling hook to reel in an enemy vehicle does NOT count as “fishing.” Nor may pilots who do this call themselves “fishermen.”

• a) Nor does riding behind an enemy vehicle that has been snared by a Tarsus RAV's grappling hook count as “surfing”.

39. The Enginseers have informed the Colonel that using plasma weapons' heat sinks to cook bacon is “disrespectful to the bacon-spirit.” This will cease immediately.

• a) No, we don't want to know what they're talking about.
• b) Mmmm. Bacon.

40. Power-loader operators will immediately cease all efforts to develop a power-loader-based form of martial arts.

• a) This also applies to Enginseer Roubert's efforts to learn to play the guitar in a power-loader.
  • a) Or the saxophone.
  • b) Or the drums.

41. For future reference, troopers are advised to confirm that the voice on the other side of the vox that is taking the coordinates for an artillery strike does in fact belong to an Imperial Guardsman, and not, for example, a Naval fire-control officer.

• a) Requests for supporting fire must include a desired time of arrival. “Now, Emperor dammit, now!” is not an acceptable format for these times.
• b) All troopers are encouraged to take Colonel Blake's lesson to heart: when ship-mounted Nova Cannons get involved in fire-support, there IS no minimum safe distance.

42. No, you cannot has lascannon.

• a) Nor can you has Earthshaker.
• b) Nor can you has plasma cannon.
• c) You can has Baneblade, but only if you can get it back to the Regiment without anybody noticing. And you have to feed it and potty-train it.

43. The Commissar is never wrong. He thought he was wrong once, but he was mistaken.

44. The Commissar's security clearance is higher than the Inquisitor's. He has the documents to prove this.

• a) No, we don't think they were forged.
• b) More importantly, neither does the Inquisitor.

45. Enginseer Mecklin would like to remind all troopers that there is no such thing as a gatling plasma rifle. Any who believe that they are in possession of such a patently impossible piece of tech-heresy should immediately request the paperwork required to submit a voucher to apply for permission to begin the disassembly process.

• a) Oh, and he'll need to get any schematics you might have of any such impossible thing. Cause, you know, stuff.

46. Colonel Potter would like it to be known that he did NOT draw the short straw when they were assigning new colonels to regiments. The crazy bastard apparently volunteered.

• a) Nor did he have to engage in hand-to-hand combat with a Space Marine to prove he was capable of leading the regiment.
  • a) This was not because the Space Marine came down sick with the flu.

47. Troopers should be aware that the following items may no longer be requisitioned through the regimental quartermaster's office:

• tanks
• squigs
• a new stick for the Lord General's arse
• naval torpedoes
• toboggans for the Sentinels
• snakes
• powdered hens teeth
• phoenix feathers
• used ration tins
• souls for the quartermasters
• souls for anybody else
• Ogryn porn
• surfboards
• replacement snipes
• winged horses for the Valkyries (say what?)
• Tyranid porn
• Ork taxonomy kits
• black dogs with orange eyebrows
• Mrs. Cake
• plasma cannon concentrate
• double-barreled lasguns
• hope
• Large green things with teeth
• new ideas

48. Troopers will no longer be permitted to paint their Sentinels white before attaching wooden rabbit ears and tossing brightly painted melta bombs out the window.

• a) These are not “easter eggs”.

49. There is no acceptable reason for having an inflatable grox in your Sentinel.

• a) Nor is there an acceptable reason for having an inflatable grox in your quarters.
• b) Troopers are no longer allowed to paint a charging grox in front of a commanding officer's quarters while said officer is sleeping.
  • a) This goes double on a starship. Some of our commanding officers are a bit trigger-happy.

50. Troopers are no longer allowed to attempt to purchase the souls of daemons, cultists, possessed psykers, or sorcerers on Regimental time.

• a) Not even on an installment plan.
• b) Not even if it is a really good deal.

51. A well-aimed shot from a melta can instantly cook an entire company's worth of grox-steaks at distances of up to forty-seven meters. Now that this has been scientifically proven, there is no need to continue experimenting.

52. Daemons make lousy pets. That is all.

53. While circumstances in the Warp DO sometimes result in some troopers leaving the Warp before they entered it, Munitorium regulations stipulate that said troopers are paid at the normal rate for time in grade. So knock it off, you twerps.

54. If an activation rune has to be pressed before the pet can move, you cannot claim that it followed you home.

55. If the crew is still inside, you cannot claim it as salvage.

• a) You may not claim flatbeds or tractor trailers as salvage.
• b) Nor may you claim any tanks (for example) that said flatbeds might be carrying as salvage.

56. Troopers may no longer claim to have “rescued” dubious gear from a “vanished” squad of Blood Ravens.

• a) Nor may troopers steal gear from other units, and then blame it on the Blood Ravens.
  • a) Not, at least, unless there are actually Blood Ravens present on the battlefield.

57. Xeno corpses are to be disposed of in the approved manner, not collected and stuffed for the purpose of “staffing” the Regimental Command Center.

• a) Nor may xeno corpses be arranged in a “lifelike” pose with a clock “tastefully” mounted in their belly.

58. Swords that are longer than a trooper is tall may not be counted as “ritual weapons”

• a) Nor may they be counted as “close quarters combat” weapons.
• b) Your power-lifter does not need a battleaxe.

59. Your “primitive tribal traditions” do not require you to strip naked and paint yourself blue for good luck before riding into battle.

• a) Female troopers riding naked into battle is indicative of an entirely different kind of fetish, which should never be expressed in public.

60. Your Sentinel does not require a prow-mounted battering ram.

61. No matter how good you are with your Sentinel or power-loader, you may not engage enemies in dance battles.

62. Due to the Imperium's legendary reputation for mercy, justice, fairness and impartiality, all troopers have been ordered to hand in any and all wigs before engaging in battle alongside Tau mercenaries.

63. What the FUCK is this, and how the HELL did it get into the Colonel's quarters?

64. Colonel Potter has never tried to eat a Sentinel. Not even with a fork.

• a) This is not confirmation that he actually ate a Sentinel. With a fork or otherwise.
• b) Nor has he attempted to eat any other vehicle, with any type of utensil.
• c) And no, this does not mean that he was successful.

65. Naked riverdancing is never the answer.

66. There is only War. Discussions of Peace, Love, or Friendship constitute heresy.

67. Despite what Captain Lugosi said, trooper morale and the amount of clothes being worn are not inversely related.

68. Troopers are not authorized to sell incriminating pictures of senior officers for “morale purposes”.

• a) Nor are they authorized to sell them for any other purposes.
• b) Nor are they authorized to give them away.

69. Troopers are no longer allowed to tell Greater Daemons to “Get a life.”

70. Neither magnifying glass nor funny hats are required to detect heresy.

71. Plan B is not automatically “Twice as much explosives as Plan A.”

• a) This is not because generally twice as much is clearly not enough.

72. Your Sentinel is not a ballerina. It does not need a tutu with a frilly pink dress.

• a) Nor does it need a frilly purple dress.
• b) Nor does it need sequins
• c) Spandex is right out.

73. Troopers may no longer fire potatoes, cantaloupes, watermelons, peppers, or any other type of fruit or vegetable from grenade launchers.

74. Troopers are no longer allowed to accost soldiers from other regiments, inform them that they have been exposed to genestealers, and then conduct fake rituals to “cleanse” them.

• a) Capturing said “cleansing rites” on pict-caster for “general entertainment purposes” doesn't make it any more acceptable.

75. Moving your Sentinel through snowy terrain does not require a giant snowboard.

76. Troopers are no longer allowed to move their Sentinels through traffic jams by jumping from car-top to car-top.

• a) Nor may they call this “traffic-surfing”.

77. “Collateral damage is not an issue” ceases to be true when you manage to render property values negative.

78. Iron rations are extremely long-lasting rations used in emergency situations. They are not food derived from iron, steel, or any variant thereof. It is wrong to tell new recruits that they are.

• a) It is also wrong to tell new recruits that their vehicles have iron rations on board in case the machine-spirit gets hungry.
• b) It is also wrong to tell new recruits that standard-issue iron rations can be used as improvised weapons in the event of total ammunition depletion.
  • a) Yes, the Commissar realizes that statement is probably true. It is still wrong to tell them this.
• c) Iron rations can not be used as emergency tool kits. It is wrong to tell new officers this.

79. The Commissar is never mistaken. He thought he had made a mistake once, but he was wrong.

80. There is no such thing as a disabling shot. There are only two types of shots: ones that kill the target, and ones that miss.

81. The Commissar probably cannot shoot around corners. It is wrong to tell new recruits that he can.

82. The enginseers would like to inform all troopers that the Inquisitor's Land Raider will not float, no matter how many ping-pong balls are placed inside.

• a) Nor will any other Land Raider.

83. Orks do not scare their children by telling them that Commissar Beckett will get them if they misbehave. It is wrong to tell new recruits—or troopers from other regiments—that they do.

• a) Nor do they tell such tales about Colonel Potter.
• b) Nor do they tell such tales about any other regimental officer or trooper.
• c) Look, Orks don't have kids, okay? So obviously, they can't tell baby Orks about the 357th.

84. Necrons do not regard duct tape as a holy symbol, and will not spare troopers who carry a roll on their person. It is wrong to tell new recruits that they will.

• a) This order has been rescinded following the events on Katyusa VIIb.

85. No matter how good you are with a power-lifter, you may not take it bowling.

• a) This goes double for the regimental enginseers, as you most definitely should know better.
• b) Nor may you take a power-lifter out to play football.
• c) Nor may you use it to play basketball, volleyball, or any other form of team sport.
• d) Power lifters may not be used to play golf.

86. Troopers may no longer use grenades as the balls in any games they play.

• a) Troopers may no longer claim that they are playing ball with training grenades after having “accidentally” sent one through a senior officer's window.

87. Troopers may no longer purchase one of Enginseer Mikhail Oversteegan's very reasonably priced conversion kit for turning a regular shotgun into a triple-barreled rotary model.

• a) Troopers who do purchase such an abomination against the Omnissiah may not apply to Major Buchanan for instruction in its use in advanced SERE skills and tactics.
• b) Not that Enginseer Mikhail Oversteegan. The other one, with the amusingly malformed mechadendrite.

88. Troopers may no longer fit over-sized jet-packs to their Sentinels to engage in air-to-air combat.

• a) Nor may they attach their Sentinels ta hang-gliders to engage in bombing runs.

89. Sentinel pilots may no longer engage in a friendly game of hack-n-sack with enemy corpses.

• a) Nor may they engage in hostile games of hack-n-sack with enemy corpses.
• b) If you are playing hack-n-sack with a corpse, it will be assumed to be an enemy corpse.
  • a) Look, we're going to eat those fuckers as soon as they get turned into soylens viridiens, okay? And I'd rather not have to eat rations that tasted of a sentinel's feet.

90. Colonel Potter is not powered by clockwork. It is wrong to tell new recruits that he is.

• a) That doesn't imply he works on any other mechanical appendage.

91. No matter what the Inquisitor tells you, you're still on duty when the Commissar says you are.

• a) No, I don't care how pretty she is, or how little either one of you is wearing.

92. Titans are not Sentinels who have survived to reach puberty. It is wrong to tell new recruits this.

93. The medicae would like to remind all troopers that many of the snakes on Be'elgaum I are insufficiently evolved to handle terrestrial biochemistry, so the results of the Commissar's snakebite, while humorous, are not particularly unusual.

94. Head-butting a zombie will not shock it back into being human. It is wrong to tell new recruits this.

95. No daemon has ever been jealous enough of a mortal firearm to agree to sell their soul to the Emperor. It is wrong to tell new recruits this.

• a) Any troopers who might believe that they witnessed this obviously impossible event are ordered to report to Inquisitor Hicks for comprehensive de-briefing.
• b) Private Slokum is no longer allowed conduct negotiations with any form of Warp-dwelling entity.

96. Any trooper who can perform sleight-of-hand tricks well enough to fool a Chaos sorcerer into believing them to be a psyker is forbidden from playing any more card games with the Colonel.

• a) This ban is now extended to any regimental officers.
• b) Commissar Beckett is now banned from playing any form of card game with anybody in the regiment, no matter how good they are at sleight-of-hand.

--Or with anybody outside of the regiment, for that matter. --We will find out who you've been playing with, Commissar....

97. Troopers are banned from playing any kind of game of chance for any of the following stakes:

• Titans
• Tanks
• Daemons
• Planets
• STC templates
• Warships
• Naval boarding torpedoes
• An enginseer's mechadendrites
• Their underwear
• A night with the governor's wife
• The right to make anybody's daughter their mistress
• Anybody's first-born son
• A heretic's soul
• Non-existent recreational drugs
• Their virginity.
• a) Seriously, folks, what in the Emperor's name are we going to do with a Titan?!
  • a) If you have to ask....

98. Troopers are personally responsible for transporting any loot they might happen to “find” out of their own resources. Regimental transport allocations are for regimental gear only.

• a) All new regimental gear must be approved by either the Commissar or by Colonel Potter.
• b) All new regimental gear must now be approved by BOTH the Commissar and by Colonel Potter. In writing, you pricks.

99. Entries 43 and 79 do not contradict each other. Suggesting that they do is heresy, and will get you shot. Or disemboweled.

100. None of the 357th's pilots were assigned to this regiment because Penal Legions were judged to be too low-risk to kill them. It is wrong to tell new recruits this.

101. Troopers may no longer attempt to kill an Ork Warboss by asking him to yell “WAAAGGHH!!!” and them chucking a frag grenade down his throat.

• a) Because Colonel Potter copy-righted that schtick, that's why.

102. Sentinel pilots may no longer play kickball with melta bombs.

• a) Nor may they play soccer.
• b) Killing three Ork or Chaos dreadnaughts with one melta bomb, while impressive, does not constitute a hat trick. Nor is it sufficient reason to make your Sentinel dance.

103. You do not come from a land down under.

• a) People in your home town do not need to wear velcro shoes to keep from falling off the planet.

104. The price of victory is measured in the lives of the faithful. It is not measured in Doritos.

105. The regimental motto is not “Peace through Power”.

• a) Nor is it “Death comes for ye!”
• b) Nor is it “Power Overwhelming.”
• c) Nor is it “Drive me closer, I want to hit them with my sword!”

106. Troopers are no longer allowed to joust with their Sentinels.

107. You do not have either the touch, or the powah.

• a) You will not have the powah in the future.
• b) You may once have had the powah, but that time is long past.
• c) Commissar Beckett still has the powah.

108. There is no such thing as a “rabbit curse,” and troopers are to stop threatening each other with it.

• a) Nor are troopers allowed to threaten officers with the “rabbit curse.”

109. Electric guitars do not qualify as sidearms or sonic weapons.

• a) Not even if you have really good amps.
• b) Not even if it comes with a bayonet lug.

110. There are many good things in this galaxy. The sudden emergence of an ability to read the enemy's mind is not necessarily among them.

111. Troopers may no longer establish toll booths on civilian bridges while on deployment

• a) Troopers may no longer establish toll booths on civilian bridges, period.
• b) Troopers may no longer levy fines on trooper or officers from other regiments who use illegal toll bridges without paying the tolls.

112. The end of the world is not nigh, and troopers may not inform others that it is.

• a) Saying so after the Inquisitor has declared exterminatus is however acceptable.
• b) after the incident, section a no longer applies.

113. Troopers must wear standard-issue headgear, as mandated by the Munitorium, at all times. They may not wear iron masks, bronze helmets, tiaras, blue face paint, crowns, or coronets.

• a) Troopers should be informed that no amount of hair gel will substitute for a helmet.
• b) There is no Ministry of Silly Hats, nor are you a hat test dummy for said Ministry.

114. You may not set your multi-lasers to LOL. Whatever that means.

115. The regimental log is not made of wood. Thus, any replacements should not be made of wood either.

116. Colonel Potter has plenty of cowbell. He does not need more.

117. Troopers are no longer allowed to use a catapult to transport either Tauros or Sentinel, as both vehicles are perfectly capable of moving on their own.

118. Any trooper who manages to pop a wheelie in a Sentinel will face serious questions from the Adeptus Mechanicus.

119. Plasma is not a fun toy for the whole family to enjoy. It is wrong to tell new recruits this.

120. All troopers should be aware that the Commissar is fully cognizant of the fact that heavier gear makes it harder to fight. This does not mean that you can fight naked.

• a) Other reasons for being found naked in your Sentinel are equally unacceptable.

121. There is no such thing as a Warp Dragon. It is wrong to tell new recruits that there is.

• a) Nor is there any such thing as a Void Kraken, and if there was, it would most certainly not decide to drag a ship full of your scrawny asses back to its lair deep in the Warp.

122. Commissar Beckett does not care how good a ventriloquist you are. Your lips must match your words.

123. Anything the Commissar finds creepy will get you shot. If he doesn't do it, your squad mates will.

124. There is no Patron Saint of Heavy Artillery. Heavy artillery is sufficiently awesome in its own right that it does not NEED a patron saint.

125. Troopers may no longer buy live small animals in groups of twenty or more, regardless of how cute, cuddly, and/or tasty they may be.

• a) Troopers may no longer buy dead small animals in groups of twenty or more, regardless, etc.
• b) Troopers may no longer buy small animals or small animal representations, unless duly authorized to do so.
• c) Authorization to buy small animals requires the written signature of both Colonel Potter and Commissar Beckett.

126. No matter how out of it the Commissar might seem in the morning, putting stuffed Tyranids at his aides' desks is ill-advised.

• a) No, it doesn't really matter if his aides were in on the joke.

127. Digi-weapons are not sized to fit rodents. Not even Rodents of Unusual Size.

• a) Troopers may no longer challenge Jokaero to fix this, just in case they actually manage to do so.

128. Troopers may no longer ask enemy troops to validate parking in the middle of a surprise attack.

• a) This order is now rescinded in the wake of Operation Falling Rains.

129. There is no possible excuse for having that many marbles.

• a) There is no possible excuse for having that many rubber bouncy balls.
• b) There is no...okay, there IS a possible excuse for having that many inflatable sheep, but the Commissar does not wish to hear it.

130. When told by an Inquisitor to “Bring him back intact,” troopers are to assume that this means having both sets of redundant organs.

• a) This rule now also applies to females prisoners captured for the Inquisition.

131. Troopers are no longer allowed to authorize civil engineering projects on the taxpayers' behalf.

• a) Troopers are no longer allowed to authorize civil engineering projects on behalf of legitimate private business concerns.
• b) Troopers are no longer allowed to authorize civil engineering projects on behalf of illegitimate private business concerns without the Commissar's express permission.
• c) Troopers are no longer allowed to try to play poker with Commissar Beckett to get said permission.

132. Yes, we do expect the Spanish Inquisition.

• a) Troopers are advised that the Holy Inquisition and the Spanish Inquisition are NOT the same thing, and that members of the Spanish Inquisition may NOT contradict any lawfully given orders.

133. Fitting a rocket motor to a power maul does not make it an acceptable alternative to a regular weapon.

134. Troopers are no longer allowed to administer recreational drugs to other regiments as a suppository without strict medicae supervision.

135. Troopers may no longer challenge each other to duels using any of the following: steamrollers, sledgehammers, midgets, psykers, magic battle robots, Warp Vortex Torpedoes, or any kind of Exterminatus-causing effect.

• a) Troopers may not challenge individuals from other units with any of the above, either.
• b) Troopers may not challenge anybody to a duel involving coffee.
• c) Or toffee.

136. We don't really care how hot and bothered the pursuing army is. Please stop telling us about it.

137. Troopers may no longer dress up in capes and masks and pretend to be superheroes in an attempt to influence diplomatic negotiations

• a) No, not even if it works.

138. You are not independently authorized to accept the surrender of any alien troop formation that is more than ten times larger than your own unit.

• a) Accepting the surrender of an enemy unit that is more than ten times larger than your own will require command authorization from an officer at least two grades senior to yourself.
  • a) No, you may not ask an officer two grades lower than yourself to ask you for authority.
  • b) Nor may you order an officer two grades lower than yourself to ask you for authority.

139. The regiment's Sentinels cannot merge on command to form a Titan. It is wrong to tell new recruits that they can.

140. Commissar Beckett's name is not a killing word, and cannot be used to repel daemonic attacks.

• a) Okay, it USUALLY can't be used to repel daemonic attacks.
• b) It's not SUPPOSED to be able to be used to repel daemonic attacks.
• c) Even when troopers are swapping war stories with inquisitors you may not tell them about this.
• d) WHY? Because Commissar Beckett quite likes life outside of a straitjacket and an inquisitorial retinue that's WHY.
• e) I WILL shoot you all.

141. If an Inquisitor is creeped out by something, you may safely assume that it will not be considered when it comes time for promotion.

142. While performing formation movement drills while between deployments is laudable, teaching new recruits to move around in large arrow-shaped formations is much less so.

143. You may not create new levels of security clearance.

• a) If a new level of security clearance is created, you are to assume that Commissar Beckett already has it.
• b) If the Commissar has top-level security clearance, you may safely assume that he also has all the other levels too.

144. “A full magazine and some privacy” is not a proper way to provide spiritual guidance to those who are experiencing a crisis of faith.

• a) This goes double if you are the regimental chaplain. You asshole.

145. The Commissar does not work for you, no matter how much you pay in taxes.

• a) Neither does the Inquisitor.
• b) Neither does the General (or his staff).

146. Sentinels are too big to be used in naval boarding operations. Accordingly, the regiment does not undergo drills to conduct mechanized warfare in spaceship corridors. It is wrong to tell new recruits that we do.

147. The Colonel's least favorite phrase to hear in planning an operation is “What's the worst that could happen?”

• a) The Colonel's second least favorite phrase in the planning process is “it worked great in the simulations we ran.”
• b) Even if there is absolutely no realistic chance of something happening that could lead to a plan ending in disaster, the Colonel wants to hear about it.
  • a)Even when he doesn't want to hear about it, he wants to hear about it.
  • b)There are some things that the Colonel doesn't need to hear about. How badly having a major Necron or Dark Eldar incursion suddenly erupting behind friendly lines would hurt the regiment is one of those things.
• c) The Colonel now has a new least favorite phrase to hear in a planning session. Any member of the regiment who concludes their portion of a briefing with the phrase “if we're lucky” will be shot at the briefing's conclusion.

148. Troopers may no longer take surveys to amass proof that their superior officers are assholes.

• a) Not even if it's just to collect additional proof.
• b) Nor may they take surveys to amass proof for inferior officers.
• c) Taking surveys regarding officers, commissars, or other attached individuals not in a trooper's direct chain of command is not any more acceptable than anything else.

149. No matter how big a prick he might be, Major Winslow cannot be used to jimmy a door.

• a) Not even if the lock you're trying to pick is big enough for him to stand up inside.

150. Operation Roller Derby is a once-in-a-century type of thing, and will likely never be repeated.

• a) Or so the Tech-priests hope, anyway.

151. If an expedition must be mounted to rescue you, you had better hope that you don't have any outstanding offenses in the Commissar's black book.

152. Troopers may no longer attempt to “mark” friendly Titans.

• a) Marking a Titan in this manner does not make it your property.
• b) Nor does it make the Titan your Sentinel's property.

153. Recaff does not become communal property. Ever.

• a) No, not even then.

154. The quartermaster's name is not Igor, and he will not fetch you a brain.

• a) If the standard-issue brain you received upon graduating from basic training is not sufficient to the tasks at hand, please report this to the Commissariat immediately so that we can start the paperwork to send you to OCS.

155. Troopers may no longer hook disabled machines to a lightning rod in hopes of jump-starting the machine spirit. The machine-spirits do not like that, and are liable to wake up cranky.

156. On those occasions when the unit is being deployed by Valkyrie insertion, “jumping” is not a valid deployment method.

• a) Nor may troopers play heavy metal music while doing so.
• b) This goes double for stealth missions.

157. The Commissar STILL does not have psychic powers.

• a) Emperor willing, the Commissar will never have psychic powers.

158. Any future mention of the Reiver Pit Cleaning Service ploy will have serious, immediate, and painful repercussions.

• a) This also includes referring to it as the RPCS ploy, or as “that which must not be named.”

159. While naming combat commands is an old and venerable tradition, naming your combat command the “They're one of ours, sir” Mechanized Unit is a tradition that will not be permitted to continue.

160. Troopers are to assume that if a song idea would make a Noise Marine cry, it is forbidden.

161. Sentinels do not bobsled worth a damn. That is all.

• a) Nor are they particularly good at skiing.
• b) A good pilot, however, can achieve some quite terrifying speeds on a snowboard.

162. Troopers are no longer allowed to try to make sticky bombs by attaching velcro to grenades.

163. Troopers are informed that there is no upper limit to how many enemies a single lascannon shot will kill. This does not mean that this theory needs to be tested.

• a) This is especially true on missions where a certain degree of stealth is in order.

164. If the Commissar performs a spot check on the sentry posts during bivouac, sentries had damn well better have their clothes on.

• a) Making a straw dummy and leaving one's uniform on the dummy, while creative, is liable to just make the punishment that much worse.
  • a) Yes. The punishment can always be made worse.
• b) Arguments that one's camouflage body paint makes one much harder to see than the standard uniform will not be received favorably. Not even when they're true.
• c) Likewise, when the Commissar performs a spot check, he had damned well better be informed of any perimeter booby traps and/or landmines before he makes his rounds.

165. Troopers may no longer dismount lascannons, multilasers, autocannons, heavy bolters, or rocket launchers in an effort to go big game hunting.

• a) Troopers may no longer dismount lascannons, multilasers, autocannons, heavy bolters, or rocket launchers in an effort to go small game hunting.
• b) Troopers may no longer go fishing with plasma cannons

This order is temporarily rescinded following the discovery of neo-megacrocs on Bellis V. Fish all you want, boys (and girl)!

166. Any fishing method which may capsize the boat is forbidden.

• a) Fishing for anything which cannot be winched aboard the boat is forbidden

Especially if it's not the biggest or nastiest predator in the area.

167. Commissar Beckett cannot form duplicates of himself when under stress. It is wrong to tell new Inquisitors this.

168. You do not have a secret archenemy who acts to foil your every scheme.

• a) And if you did, you wouldn't know about them, because they'd be a secret.

169. Tombs are built to express our reverence for the dead. They are not built to hold secret treasures and power-ups, and they are not protected by a wide assortment of ingenious death traps. It is wrong to tell new recruits this.

170. You may not raise carnivorous wildlife with the sole purpose of attaching lascannons to them.

• a) Nor may you raise herbivorous wildlife with the sole purpose of attaching a lascannon to them.
• b) If you're raising something that even has the OPTION of attaching lasers of any kind, you are to assume that you have violated regulations.

172. No matter what your tech-priest might tell you, your job cannot be taken by a dipper duck.

• a) Nor can it be taken by two dipper ducks.
• b) Nor can his job be taken by any combination of dipper ducks.
• c) Dipper ducks cannot be employed in Regimental functions or in any kind of combat capacity.
• d) Dipper ducks may not be employed as Regimental quartermasters.
• e) None of the Commissar's aides are really dipper ducks in disguise
  • a) No, not even Senior Trooper Birkman.

173. Troopers may no longer submit non-existent devices to Tech-priests as “broken doo-flotchies” in “need of repair.”

• a) Seriously, folks, do you WANT to give the enginseers conniption fits?
• b) If you submit a real device to the enginseers as issued gear, you must be able to explain what it does when it works.
  • a) “Goes Boom” is not a good report for what the item does. Even if that's all it did.
• c) You may not submit a broken sergeant for repairs.

174. The Commissar is watching you.

175. Commissar Beckett is not cat-like, and will not chase a laser pointer across the floor.

• a) Nor will he chase the multi-laser.
• b) Nor will he chase the plasma fire.
  • a) I WILL kick your ass, Private Slokum.

176. There is no souvenir shop. You may not collect overlooked trifles to remember your campaigns by.

• a) This does not mean that you may collect fossilized berries for future trifle consideration.

177. If the Commissar stops you and asks you what the hell you think you're doing wearing a kilt playing bagpipes in the middle of a battlefield, you had damned well better have an answer that satisfies him.

• a) “I thought I was dreaming, sir,” is NOT a good enough answer.

178. Squirrels are not your primary nemesis, and killing one does not constitute a good reason to burn down an entire city block.

179. Anything that scares a Slaaneshi cultist should be treated with extreme caution.

• a) Poking something with a stick does not constitute extreme caution. Not even if it's a very long stick.

180. Close air support and the regimental mess are two completely distinct operations. For a variety of reasons, troopers are not permitted to use one in place of the other.

181. If any of your jokes result in the Inquisition getting involved, you may safely assume that the joke is no longer funny.

182. Whomever came up with the idea of re-supply by artillery, the Commissar would like to have a few words regarding what almost became of his new hat.

183. Your Sentinel does not need a chrome grill. Nor does it need subwoofers, handlebars, or a built-in karaoke set.

184. You are not authorized to place a planet under quarantine.

• a) Nor are you authorized to call in an Exterminatus.
• b) Nor are you authorized to announce trade sanctions.
• c) Seriously, folks, enough is enough. This crap is for an Inquisitor to decide!

185. Yes, for a variety of reasons, your Sentinel has one of the most advanced cogitators on the battlefield. No, it will not run Crysis.

• a) The Inquisitor's Land Raider will not run Crysis, either. Not, at least, using the maximum settings.

186. Your Sentinel will not be re-equipped with a bow and arrow. No matter how badass the bow, or the arrow.

187. Due to the Imperium's legendary reputation for mercy, justice, fairness and impartiality towards xenos and suspected heretics, troopers are prohibited from removing the limbs from enemy prisoners of war with any implement that does not auto-cauterize the wound.

188. “A mind without purpose will wander in dark places” is a religious quotation. It is not a call for brain flashlights.

• a) Inspiration will not make the dark places any less dark. So stop trying to steal the light-bulbs, people.
• b) Private Benjinmon is prohibited from having ideas until we can figure out how he managed to burn Corporal Lufthetti's fingers.
  • a) Yes, we've checked. No, he is not a psyker.

189. Despite the smell, laxatives do not spawn heresy. It is wrong to tell new troopers this.

190. Yes, we do want to live forever.

• a) No, you don't. Living forever means explaining to Colonel Potter's replacement just how you managed to accumulate 365,752 (and counting) demerits in a single tour of duty.

191. Painting “Dere's nuffin here, boyz” in large flourescent orange letters along the side of your Sentinel does NOT constitute anti-Ork camouflage.

• a) No, we don't care if it works.
• b) No, we don't care if you used another vehicle instead.

192. When we say that something falls into the category of “Things man may not wot of,” troopers may assume that women may not wot of it either.

• a) Nor may orangutans.
• b) According to Inquisition-sponsored studies, there are a number of things that man may not wot of that Ogryn can wot of just fine, provided that you can get whatever it is to stay still for long enough. This is obviously not a simple task.

193. No matter how bad the headaches, there is no excuse for publishing a book of humorous cat stories.

194. Troopers may no longer make fake nature documentaries with the sole goal of luring a new officer out for a snipe hunt.

• a) Snipe hunts may not be an additional reason for a fake documentary of any type.
• b) Fake documentaries may no longer be made.
• c) All troopers are hereby warned that Lieutenant Oslow is something of a hunter, and actually knows how to hunt snipes. It is to be hoped that this will save all parties involved any future embarrassment.

196. Anything that grosses out an Inquisitor is strictly forbidden.

197. Lascannon shots to the door do not count as “sneaky”.

• a) Nor do they count as “knocking”.
• b) They aren't some strange variant of “picking the lock” either.

198. Private Malarky is a sick bastard

• a) Blessed Emporer, Private, what did you do to that poor cultist?
• b) By order of the Commissariat, Private Malarky is officially a sick bastard. Further investigation into this matter is prohibited on pain of death.

199. Guardsmen may no longer steal the pants from rival units and blame “jean-stealers”.

• a) Nor may Guardsmen steal troopers named Jean, Gene, or any variation thereof.
• b) Genies are creatures of the Warp. Attempting to steal them is heresy.

200. The Commissar's assistants are no longer allowed to sing to enemy prisoners.

201. Guardsmen are prohibited from attempting to learn alien martial arts.

• a) This goes double if the martial art in question requires more than the normal four limbs.
  • a) No, we don't care if you're technically an enginseer, and thus in possession of more than the normal number of limbs.

202. The Departmento Munitorium does not acknowledge or accept the notion of casual Fridays.

• a) What, you thought that just because you found a spiffy set of clothes, that the Orks were going to stop shooting at you?

203. Guardsmen are no longer allowed to form pirate armadas.

• a) Nor are they allowed to issue letters of marque.

204. When you shoot somebody in combat, you are not required to hide the body.

• a) Nor are you required to plant a large flag to identify the kill as yours.

205. Just because Orks can turn invisible when they wear purple does not mean that you can.

206. I don't care what the Inquisitor says, we are not capturing a fucking Zoanthorpe.

• a) Nor are we capturing any other kind of Tyrannid life form.
• b) Nor are we capturing any kind of psyker, be they xenos or human.

207. While imprisoning yourself in the brig for making the ship's astropath explode is a laudatory attempt at proactive action, making sure that you have a secret escape passageway beforehand implies a certain degree of premeditation to the whole affair.

208. Tau sensor drones cannot be used as skateboards, grav-boards, grav-chutes, or any other method of evading the responsibilities inherent in the Emperor's decision to give Humanity the ability to fucking walk!

209. No guardsman may attempt to cook any type of food ration with a melta weapon.

• a) NCOs are not exempt from this regulation.
• b) Commissioned officers are also not exempt from this regulation.
• c) After a few, unrelated incidents, Commissars are now considered not exempt from this regulation too.

210. Vox-sex using the regimental comms is not permitted during an offensive

• a) Or at any other time
• b) Or using another unit's comms
• c) Or using the enemy's comms
  • a) Actually, if you can tie up the enemy's comms with something that fundamentally useless, knock yourself out.
  • b) As of M41.459, this has also been forbidden due to complications with a slaaneshi warband.

211. Guardsmen are no longer allowed to dig tunnels

• a) NCOs and Officers are not exempt from this regulation. Nor are Commissars.
  • a) That doesn't mean that Commissar Beckett has been involved in such activities.
• b) We don't care if you reached the planet's core.
• c) Nor we care if your tunnel allowed some stormtroopers to sneak into that Ork camp and kill the Warboss.

212. Hanging an enemy with their own guts is not justified.

• a) Dammit, Malarkey!
• b) nor may you hang the enemy with any form of tissue.
  • a) yes, this fucking includes tissue paper! Looking at you, Malarkey.
• c) hanging the enemy will only be permitted if they are alive.
  • a) Malarkey will die for this.