Regulations of the Imperial Guard

Things the Imperial Guard is no longer allowed to do:

In 985 M.41, a garbled order from the Munitorium resulted in the agri-world of Nawtadefwald receiving orders to raise a new regiment for service with the Imperial Guard. After the standard triple-check to make sure everything was in order, the planet's government carried out the order immediately, and raised the 397th Light Mechanised Regiment, to be ready for immediate deployment offworld. It should be noted, at this point, that the Nawtans (as they prefer to be called) produce an unusually large amount of meat-based products, due to the truly unfortunate number of wild grox found on the planet's surface (sometimes the difference between a death world and an agri-world is a lot smaller than most people would prefer). The need to both hunt and herd these creatures has resulted in a populace that, upon receiving orders to produce a light mechanized regiment OF Sentinels, Tauros Rapid Assault Vehicles, and Salamanders, as opposed to a light mechanized regiment WITH all three of the above, saw nothing at all wrong with these orders, and probably felt vaguely cheered that the Munitorium was at long last displaying an uncommon amount of good horse sense. It probably says something that producing said regiment did not make a noticeable dent in the local PDF inventories. Needless to say, the regiment in question, while undeniably effective, has a reputation such that most people who encounter them immediately feel sorry for the Commissar. This has been known to include traitorous Guardsmen, and, on one notable occasion, an Ork warboss. The following list has been compiled—at some personal risk—by the regimental Commissar in a desperate last-ditch effort to keep the chaos known as “the regiment is not directly in the combat zone” sort of vaguely under control.

Regulations of the Imperial Guard

1. The Commissar does not have psychic powers. It is wrong to tell new recruits that he does.

• a) It is also wrong to tell Inquisitors that he does, and he will not appreciate the joke. Neither will they.

2. All troopers are reminded that the Commissarial recaff is VERY IMPORTANT, and the next time some joker decides to doctor it for a prank, the perpetrator WILL be shot. Even if the Commissar has to have the entire regiment shot to make sure he gets the culprit.

• a) Yes, he can do that. He's the Commissar.

3. Troopers are no longer allowed to put wheels on the Sentinels so they can go faster.

• a) Troopers are no longer allowed to challenge other Sentinel pilots to a skating race.
• b) Troopers are no longer allowed to rig Sentinels equipped with wheels with backwards-pointing flamers to increase speed.
• c) Troopers are no longer allowed to offer the Tech-priests rides in a roller-skating Sentinel if they'll just modify yours
• d) Troopers are no longer allowed to tell Sentinel pilots that all the cool pilots are using wheels.
• e) Wheee!
• f) I don't care if the Mechanicus DID produce approved wheel kits. Take those damned wheels off!

4. Troopers may no longer allowed to take the Emperor's name in vain (but it's okay if officers do it).

• a) No longer allowed to take the Emperor's name in vanes.
• b) The Emperor's name is not Vayn. Or Vayne. Or any other derivative thereof.

5. No longer allowed to use rude language in chapel.

• a) No longer allowed to challenge the chaplain's rude language in chapel.
• b) No longer allowed to fall asleep during the chaplain's sermons.
• c) No longer allowed to doctor the chaplain's recaff before services.
• d) No longer allowed to heckle in services. Especially not when the chaplain has just consumed doctored recaff.
• e) Because he carries a fucking Eviscerator, that's why! Idiots!

6. The regiment's recaff is off-limits for pranks, black market trades, and any and all experiments in making ration bars edible.

• a) Dude. Making those things edible is a lost cause. Just give it up, already.

7. Inquisitor Hicks would like to inform Private Slokum that she does indeed have a “purdy mouth,” and that she actually has once killed a man by biting his testicles off.

8. Any incoming message that makes the entire command staff wince and move to protect their family jewels is bloody well going to end with SOMEBODY getting disciplinary action.

9. The Commissar does not get drunk. Getting drunk is something that happens to lesser mortals, like Generals, Inquisitors, Planetary Governors, and Space Marines. If you thought you saw the Commissar drunk last night, you were mistaken.

10. If nuking them from orbit were enough to be sure, Private, the Emperor would not have to send for us!

• a) We are not the troops they send for when the Space Marines aren't enough.
  • a) We are not normally the troops they send for when the Space Marines aren't enough.
• b) We are not “The Last Unit You Will Ever Need.”
• c) Nor are we the Mechs in Black.
• d) Yes, the uniforms are tan and khaki. No, this does not mean we can claim to be Light Brownshirts.

11. All troopers should be advised that the regiment's supply of chewing gum is reserved for qualified Mechanicus adepts only. All others will have to settle for kicking ass without gum.

12. Fuzzy dice are NOT part of the regulation gear for Sentinels, Salamanders, or Tauros RAVs.

• a) Marshmallows are not part of the standard equipment for flamer-equipped units.
• b) Heavy Flamers are not issued to help you keep warm, so knock it off!

13. The Commissar still does not have psychic powers.

• a) You do not have psychic powers either.
• b) The Chaplain would like to remind all troopers that possession of psychic powers, or any other form of mutation, is a sign of Chaos-worship, and is therefore punishable by eventual death.
  • a) This does not involve a high-fiber diet and a healthy morning exercise routine.

14. The Commissar would like to remind troopers that it is impossible to shoot incoming artillery shells out of the air with a pistol of any kind, and that he has never done so. Not even once. It is wrong to tell new recruits that he has.

• a) Nor is it possible to shoot down enemy aircraft with a pistol. The Commissar has never done so. It is wrong to tell new recruits that the Commissar does this.
• b) Nor is it possible to shoot lasgun blasts out of the air with a pistol. The Commissar has never done this. It is wrong to tell new recruits that he has.
• c) Nor is it possible to destroy a tank with a pistol. Troopers are reminded that the incident on Bertrand V was a fluke, and new recruits should not be told about it.

15. Troopers are no longer allowed to offer to bribe the Commissar with any of the following items:

• depleted power cells
• broken chainsword teeth
• storm shields
• live hand grenades
• non-functioning power weapons
• cursed relics
• used bubble gum
• second-hand beer
• Ogryn porn
• ratlings
• xeno corpses
• Earthshaker artillery shells (although they are very cool, he already has one)
• beer that has gone flat
• no-alcohol lager
• moldy bread
• used condoms

16. Colonel Blake is subject to a rare genetic condition that causes random bouts of inexplicable sanity. He is to be commended for having risen to his current rank despite this handicap, not mocked for the inevitable consequences.

• a) The Colonel's fuchytol medication is to be left alone, no matter how awesome the prank might be.

17. Troopers are to report for formation, drill, and/or mission briefing in full uniform, with weapon, armor, and helmet.

• a) Troopers are strictly forbidden from redesigning their uniform to “better display their physique.”
• b) Trooper weapons consist of a lasgun, a bayonet, two grenades, and a bad attitude. Depending on the trooper, this may also include foul language. They do not include: xenos weapons, fictional xenos weapons, home-made explosives, Mechanicus-sanctioned explosive vests, a cheerful and friendly demeanor, or anything that could be detonated by accident.
  • a) Nor do they include claymores of any kind.

18. When your name is called upon in morning roll call, the correct response is “present”. It is not “They'll never take me alive!”

• a) Yes, we can prove anything we want.

19. The Commissar is quite sure that your parents were loving people, who were good, Emperor-fearing citizens of the Imperium. However, when he is called out of his nice warm bed at three in the morning to deal with your drunken antics, he is not inclined to believe this.

• a) If you were part of another regiment, he might be willing to admit that your parents may well have been at least somewhat honest.

20. Troopers are no longer permitted to refit Sentinels, Salamanders, or Tauros RAVs with non-standard salvaged battlefield equipment without filling out the proper paperwork.

• a) Paperwork for xenos weapons and artifacts should be submitted to the Forgery Unit in 2nd Platoon, G Company.
  • a) It is considered polite, when answering an Inquisitor's questions on your non-standard and potentially xeno-constructed equipment, to make sure that the forged paperwork you present does not bear that particular Inquisitor's signature and insignia.
• b) Any weapon that would make your vehicle flip or fall over when fired may not be refitted, regardless of the paperwork acquired.

21. If an officer from another unit asks why Colonel Blake's Tauros Venator is equipped with a Vanquisher, the correct answer is “That's just a piece of pipe we rigged up to scare the enemy, not an actual gun.”

• a) If asked, the shells beside said piece of pipe are filled with paint, and are used for distraction purposes.
• b) Please keep in mind that Private Slokum's ability to acquire more rounds for Colonel Blake's Venator is very limited. For this reason, the paint-filled ammunition is strictly off-limits.

22. You are not the queen of mice, cheese, or sleaze.

• a) You are not distantly related to the planetary governor.
• b) You are not closely related to the planetary governor.
• c) You may not make up worlds to be the planetary governor of.
• d) We have solicitors, and are prepared to use them if anybody else claims to be nobly born. You have been warned.

23. If an idea makes you giggle for more than fifteen seconds, you are not allowed to do it.

• a) If an idea makes somebody else giggle for more than fifteen seconds, you are not allowed to do it.
• b) Anything that makes Commissar Beckett giggle for any length of time is strictly forbidden, and will be punished by firing squad.
• c) The above rule also applies to any ideas put forth by visiting Inquisitors, whether they induce any amount of giggling or not.

24. Tech-priests are no longer allowed to customize regimental power loaders without direct regimental authorization.

• a) This is particularly true for any idea that involves power-loader-sized Eviscerator chain-swords. One is enough, thank you.

25. Your rocket-launchers cannot open ration tins. Please stop trying.

• a) Obliterating a ration tin does not count as opening it.

26. Minefields are not cleared by having all the lowest-ranked pilots move through a suspected area first. It is wrong to tell new recruits this.

27. Commissar Beckett's pistols have not been blessed by the Emperor himself. It is wrong to tell new recruits this.

• a) Commissar Becket's pistols have not been blessed by any known Imperial Saint, either.
• b) Nor have they been blessed by any other type of religious figure. We've checked.
• c) For the record, Ol' Betsy was produced less than five years ago in an underhive workshop on Necromunda. It was not blessed by a dying saint on Salvation Day, and will not banish demons by its mere presence. At least, not that anybody has ever proven, anyway.
  • a) Nor will it banish heretics, sorcerers, xenos, psykers, or senior officers.
  • b) All evidence to the contrary, Ol' Betsy will not banish tanks or incoming artillery fire, either. We hope not, anyway.
  • c) Although humorously appropriate, Private Banfry's death due to accidental weapons discharge has been thoroughly investigated, and it has been definitively ruled that it was not the result of divine justice on Ol' Betsy's behalf.
  • d) Yes, those markings on Ol' Betsy's barrel represent tank kills. No, you may not try to replicate the feats involved.

28. Commissar Beckett is far more badass than you will ever be, or will ever need to be. Trying to match his battlefield performance will get you shot.

• a) If you survive the attempt, the Commissar will shoot you himself.

29. Corporal McLaghlin is banned from making recaff with the regimental mess unit.

• a) Corporal McLaghlin is banned from making recaff anywhere, with any kind of gear.
• b) All trooper should be informed that the rumors claiming that three men had to have their stomachs pumped immediately after drinking Corporal McLaghlin's coffee are completely false.
  • a)Rumors that none of them lived long enough to have their stomachs pumped are also false, as Private McAuliff is still with us today.
• c) Suffering from the hallucinogenic after-effects of Corporal McLaghlin's recaff will no longer be accepted as an excuse for not showing up for duty.
  • a) Prisoners of war are not to be allowed to drink Corporal McLaghlin's recaff in combination with any interrogation drugs. These are enemies of the Emperor and of all Mankind, and are not to be permitted the mercy of a quick death.
• d) Corporal McLaghlin cannot curdle recaff just by his mere presence. It is wrong to tell new recruits this. Not to mention a bit creepy.

30. Chaplain Whittaker would like to remind all troopers that the Imperial Creed as used by the Imperial Guard has twenty-two verses, not twenty-three, and that the last verse is most definitely not “need to know.”

• a) Nor is it “kill it with fire.”
• b) Nor is it “being crazy is not enough.”
• c) Nor is it “kick their ass, don't piss on them.”
  • a) Although that is a good suggestion.

31. Commissar Bennet does not shave by shooting the individual hairs off because he thinks that using a razor doesn't give a close enough shave.

• a) This does not mean that Commissar Bennet shaves by shooting the individual hairs off of his face for some other reason.

32. “Oops” is a four-letter word. Using it in combat conditions will get you shot. If you're lucky, you'll get shot by the enemy.

• a) You will not be lucky.

33. Orks do not taste like chicken.

• a) Nor do they taste like Soylens Viridiens.
• b) Grots are not edible.
  • a) Never dare a Space Marine to eat an Ork. Those crazy buggers might just do it.
• c) Tyrannids are not edible either.
• d) Nor are Kroot.
• e) Troopers are advised that partially consumed Necron material may cause internal organs to phase out along with the rest of the Necrons' bodies.

34. Troopers may no longer create non-standard porn. Troopers with non-standard porn will be required to either dispose of it privately, or burn it publicly.

35. Psykers are not required to be bald under regulation 369777c. It is wrong to tell new recruits that they are.

• a) Nor are they required to be bald under any other regulation.

36. Troopers may no longer try to land-surf using captured squigs.

37. Troopers will no longer be permitted to claim that they are suffering side effects from drugs they have never taken.

38. Using a Sentinel's grappling hook to reel in an enemy vehicle does NOT count as “fishing.” Nor may pilots who do this call themselves “fishermen.”

• a) Nor does riding behind an enemy vehicle that has been snared by a Tarsus RAV's grappling hook count as “surfing”.

39. The Enginseers have informed the Colonel that using plasma weapons' heat sinks to cook bacon is “disrespectful to the bacon-spirit.” This will cease immediately.

• a) No, we don't want to know what they're talking about.
• b) Mmmm. Bacon.

40. Power-loader operators will immediately cease all efforts to develop a power-loader-based form of martial arts.

• a) This also applies to Enginseer Roubert's efforts to learn to play the guitar in a power-loader.
  • a) Or the saxophone.
    • a) Or the drums.

41. For future reference, troopers are advised to confirm that the voice on the other side of the vox that is taking the coordinates for an artillery strike does in fact belong to an Imperial Guardsman, and not, for example, a Naval fire-control officer.

• a) Requests for supporting fire must include a desired time of arrival. “Now, Emperor dammit, now!” is not an acceptable format for these times.
• b) All troopers are encouraged to take Colonel Blake's lesson to heart: when ship-mounted Nova Cannons get involved in fire-support, there IS no minimum safe distance.

42. No, you cannot has lascannon.

• a) Nor can you has Earthshaker.
• b) Nor can you has plasma cannon.
• c) You can has Baneblade, but only if you can get it back to the Regiment without anybody noticing. And you have to feed it and potty-train it.

43. The Commissar is never wrong. He thought he was wrong once, but he was mistaken.

44. The Commissar's security clearance is higher than the Inquisitor's. He has the documents to prove this.

• a) No, we don't think they were forged.
• b) More importantly, neither does the Inquisitor.

45. Enginseer Mecklin would like to remind all troopers that there is no such thing as a gatling plasma rifle. Any who believe that they are in possession of such a patently impossible piece of tech-heresy should immediately request the paperwork required to submit a voucher to apply for permission to begin the disassembly process.

• a) Oh, and he'll need to get any schematics you might have of any such impossible thing. Cause, you know, stuff.

46. Colonel Potter would like it to be known that he did NOT draw the short straw when they were assigning new colonels to regiments. The crazy bastard apparently volunteered.

• a) Nor did he have to engage in hand-to-hand combat with a Space Marine to prove he was capable of leading the regiment.
  • a) This was not because the Space Marine came down sick with the flu.

47. Troopers should be aware that the following items may no longer be requisitioned through the regimental quartermaster's office:

• tanks
• squigs
• a new stick for the Lord General's arse
• naval torpedoes
• toboggans for the Sentinels
• snakes
• powdered hens teeth
• phoenix feathers
• used ration tins
• souls for the quartermasters
• souls for anybody else
• Ogryn porn
• surfboards
• replacement snipes
• winged horses for the Valkyries (say what?)
• Tyranid porn
• Ork taxonomy kits
• black dogs with orange eyebrows
• Mrs. Cake
• plasma cannon concentrate
• double-barreled lasguns
• hope
• Large green things with teeth
• new ideas

48. Troopers will no longer be permitted to paint their Sentinels white before attaching wooden rabbit ears and tossing brightly painted melta bombs out the window.

• a) These are not “easter eggs”.

49. There is no acceptable reason for having an inflatable grox in your Sentinel.

• a) Nor is there an acceptable reason for having an inflatable grox in your quarters.
• b) Troopers are no longer allowed to paint a charging grox in front of a commanding officer's quarters while said officer is sleeping.
  • a) This goes double on a starship. Some of our commanding officers are a bit trigger-happy.

50. Troopers are no longer allowed to attempt to purchase the souls of daemons, cultists, possessed psykers, or sorcerers on Regimental time.

• a) Not even on an installment plan.
• b) Not even if it is a really good deal.

51. A well-aimed shot from a melta can instantly cook an entire company's worth of grox-steaks at distances of up to forty-seven meters. Now that this has been scientifically proven, there is no need to continue experimenting.

52. Daemons make lousy pets. That is all.

53. While circumstances in the Warp DO sometimes result in some troopers leaving the Warp before they entered it, Munitorium regulations stipulate that said troopers are paid at the normal rate for time in grade. So knock it off, you twerps.

54. If an activation rune has to be pressed before the pet can move, you cannot claim that it followed you home.

55. If the crew is still inside, you cannot claim it as salvage.

• a) You may not claim flatbeds or tractor trailers as salvage.
• b) Nor may you claim any tanks (for example) that said flatbeds might be carrying as salvage.

56. Troopers may no longer claim to have “rescued” dubious gear from a “vanished” squad of Blood Ravens.

• a) Nor may troopers steal gear from other units, and then blame it on the Blood Ravens.

Not, at least, unless there are actually Blood Ravens present on the battlefield.

57. Xeno corpses are to be disposed of in the approved manner, not collected and stuffed for the purpose of “staffing” the Regimental Command Center.

• a) Nor may xeno corpses be arranged in a “lifelike” pose with a clock “tastefully” mounted in their belly.

58. Swords that are longer than a trooper is tall may not be counted as “ritual weapons”

• a) Nor may they be counted as “close quarters combat” weapons.
• b) Your power-lifter does not need a battleaxe.

59. Your “primitive tribal traditions” do not require you to strip naked and paint yourself blue for good luck before riding into battle.

• a) Female troopers riding naked into battle is indicative of an entirely different kind of fetish, which should never be expressed in public.

60. Your Sentinel does not require a prow-mounted battering ram.

61. No matter how good you are with your Sentinel or power-loader, you may not engage enemies in dance battles.

62. Due to the Imperium's legendary reputation for mercy, justice, fairness and impartiality, all troopers have been ordered to hand in any and all wigs before engaging in battle alongside Tau mercenaries.

63. What the FUCK is this, and how the HELL did it get into the Colonel's quarters?

64. Colonel Potter has never tried to eat a Sentinel. Not even with a fork.

• a) This is not confirmation that he actually ate a Sentinel. With a fork or otherwise.
• b) Nor has he attempted to eat any other vehicle, with any type of utensil.
• c) And no, this does not mean that he was successful.

65. Naked riverdancing is never the answer.