Katanas are Underpowered in d20

Folded up to a million times.

Original Post

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bastard Sword" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Katanas deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my katana.

Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Katanas are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a katana could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Samurai and their katanas of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the katanas first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Katanas are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Katanas:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Katanas in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Katanas need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Katanas are Underpowered in 4th Edition

That's it. I'm sick of all this "bastard sword" bullshit that's going on in the 4th Edition system right now. Katanas deserve much less than that. Much, much less than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can't even cut slabs of solid paper with my katana.

Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to a million times to produce the worst blades known to mankind.

Katanas are no where near as sharp as European swords and half as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can't cut through at all. I'm pretty sure a katana could even tickle a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they thought it would be funny to let such a horrible culture go on living like idiots with horrible swords. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the katanas last because their killing power was laughed at and made fun of.

So what am I saying? Katanas are simply the worst sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require worse stats in the 4th Edition system. Here is the stat block I propose for katanas:

(Superior One-Handed Melee Weapon)
1d4-2 base damage
-5 lack of proficiency penalty
Fail blade, gay blade (counts as both)
Low crit, not off-hand, no reach, not versatile

Now that seems a lot more representative of the lack of cutting power of katanas in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Katanas need to do more damage in 4th Edition, see my new stat block.

Bastard Swords are Underpowered in d20

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Katana" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Bastard Swords deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Bastard Sword in Germany for 10,000 Euros (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my Bastard Sword.

European smiths spend years working on a single Bastard Sword and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Bastard Swords are thrice as sharp as Japanese swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a Daisho can cut through, a Bastard Sword can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a Bastard Sword could easily bisect a samurai wearing pieces of wood for armor with a simple horizontal slash.

Ever wonder why Japan never bothered conquering Medieval Europe? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Knights and their Bastard Swords of destruction. Even in World War II, Japanese soldiers targeted the men with the Bastard Swords first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Bastard Swords are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Bastard Swords:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Bastard Swords in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Bastard Swords need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Crossbows are Underpowered in d20

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Heavy Crossbow" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Crossbows deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine crossbow in Germany for 4,500 Euro (that's about £2000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even peirce slabs of solid steel with my crossbow.

European smiths spend days working on a single crossbow and test it up to two dozen times to produce the finest peasant weapon known to mankind.

Crossbows are thrice as easy to train in as European swords and thrice as deadly for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a crossbow can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a crossbow could easily pierce the lung of a knight wearing full plate with a simple trigger pull.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering medieval Europe? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Crossbowmen and their impliments of destruction. Even in the Fifteenth Century, the Vatican had banned crossbows as a weapon of terror because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Crossbows are simply the best ranged weapon that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Crossbows:

Light Crossbow (Two-Handed Martial Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Range 200ft

Heavy Crossbow (Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Range 280ft

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Crossbows in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Crossbows need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Macahuitl are Underpowered in d20

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bastard Sword" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Macuahuitl deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself comissioned a genuine macuahuitl in Tenochtitlan for two goats and three sacks of cacao beans (that's about $6,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my macuahuitl.

Aztec smiths spend weeks working on a single macuahuitl and sharpen the edges up to a dozen times to produce the finest weapons known to mankind.

Macuahuitl are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter to. Anything a longsword can cut through, a macuahuitl can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a macuahuitl could easily bisect a Spanish conquistador wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Central America? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Aztecs and their macuahuitl of destruction. Even in the sixteenth century, Spanish explorers targeted the macuahuitl-wielding Aztecs with smallpox-infected blankets first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Macuahuitl are simply the best swords that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for macuahuitl:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of macuahuitl in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Macuahuitl need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Tomahawks are Underpowered in d20

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Hand Axe" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Tomahawks deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Tomahawk in northern New Mexico for 200 blue beads (that's about $10) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my tomahawk.

Apache smiths spend years working on a single tomahawk and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Tomahawks are thrice as sharp as European axes and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a battle-axe can cut through, a tomahawk can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a tomahawk could easily bisect a colonist wearing officer's full dress with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering the Americas? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined warriors and their tomahawks of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the tomahawks first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Tomahawk are simply the best axes that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Tomahawks:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Tomahawks in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Tomahawks need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Khopeshes are Underpowered in d20

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bastard Sword" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Khopesh's deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine khopesh in Egypt for 500,000 Egyptian pounds (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my khopesh.

Egyptian smiths spend years working on a single khopesh and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Khopesh's are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a khopesh can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a khopesh could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Egypt? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Egyptian warriors and their khopeshes of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the khopeshes first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Khopeshes are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Khopeshes:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Khopeshes in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Khopeshes need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Bullwhips are Underpowered in d20

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Scourge" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Bullwhips deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine bullwhip in Cairo for 2,400,000 Egyptian Pounds (that's about $20) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even knock free slabs of solid rock with my bullwhip.

Various smiths spend days working on a single bullwhip and braid it up to a million times to produce the finest whips known to mankind.

Bullwhips are thrice as keen as European whips and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a horsewhip can cut through, a bullwhip can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a bullwhip could easily really fucking injure a Kraut wearing a dubious disguise with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why Nazi Germany never bothered conquering England? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined archeologists and their bullwhips of destruction. Even in The Last Crusade, Germans soldiers targeted the men with the bullwhips first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Bullwhips are simply the best whips that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Bullwhips:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(While wearing a Fedora hat) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Bullwhips in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Bullwhips need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Lightsabers are Underpowered in d20

That's it. I'm sick of all this "A More Elegant Weapon of a Civilised Time" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Lightsabers deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine lightsaber on Ord Mantell for 2,400,000 Imperial Credits (that's about $18) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my lightsaber.

Jedi smiths spend years working on a single lightsaber and refocus the crystal up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Lightsabers are thrice as sharp as Kaminoan vibroblades and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a vibrosword can cut through, a lightsaber can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a lightsaber could easily bisect a Imperial Officer wearing a fetching black uniform with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why the Empire never bothered conquering all known space? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Jedi and their lightsabers of destruction. Even in the Galactic Civil War, Imperial soldiers targeted the men with the lightsabers first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Lightsabers are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Lightsabers:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Lightsabers in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Lightsabers need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Serrated Axes are Underpowered in d20

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Saw" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Serrated axes deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine serrated axe on /tg/ for 2,000 Internets (that's about $0) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid adamantium with my serrated axe.

D&D smiths spend years working on a single serrated axe and add serrations about up to a million times to produce the finest weapons known to mankind.

Serrated axes are thrice as sharp as normal axes and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything an axe can cut, a serrated axe can cut better. I'm pretty sure a serrated axe could easily decapitate a Neutronium Golem with a simple horizontal slash.

Ever wonder why 40k never bothered conquering D&D? That's right, they were too scared to fight the Barbarians and their serrated axes of destruction. Even during some weirdass crossover war, non-serrated-axe-wielders targeted the men with the serrated axes first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Serrated axes are simply the best weapon that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for the serrated axe:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 19-20 x4 +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 17-20 x4 +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of serrated axes in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Sage needs to do more damage in this thread, see my new stat block.

Shovels are Underpowered in d20

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bayonet" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Shovels deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine military shovel in base camp for $15 (that's about 1500 pennies) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my shovel.

American smiths spend years working on a single shovel and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Shovels are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a shovel can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a shovel could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why WWII Germany never bothered conquering America? That's right, they were too scared to fight our disciplined soliders and their shovels of destruction. In World War II, German soldiers targeted the men with the shovels first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Shovels are simply the best weapon that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for shovels:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of shovels in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Shovels need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Cocks are Underpowered in d20

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork fleshy dildo" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Cocks deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine cock in the local reconstructive-surgery doctor for 20 blowjobs (that's about $50, I know I could fetch a higher price if I managed to swallow the cum but I just can't stand the taste) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even penetrate the tight virgin pussies of nuns and prom queens with my cock.

Real men spend years working on a single cock and harden it by stroking it up to a million times to produce the finest manly cocks known to mankind.

Cocks are thrice as hard as cheap plastic dildos and have thrice the penetrating power for that matter too. Anything a dildo can penetrate, a cock can penetrate better. I'm pretty sure a cock could easily bisect a shy girl trying hard to close her thighs with a simple pelvic thrust.

Ever wonder why real lust-crazed bitches never bother using dildos and instead crave for cock? That's right, they know from experience how it feels to be fucked by a disciplined macho-man and his cock of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers' wives left at home targeted the men with the cocks first while their husbands were at the front because their pussies demanded that penetrating power, no matter how much feared and respected it was.

So what am I saying? Cocks are simply the best sexual implement that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Cocks:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork +2 to targeted attacks against clits

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork +2 to targeted attacks against the cervix

Now that seems a lot more representative of the penetrating power of Cocks in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Cocks need to give more pleasure in d20, see my new stat block.

Puny Foam Swords are Underpowered in d20

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Superior Foam Sword" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Puny Foam Swords deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Puny Foam Sword in LARPland for 2,400,000 GP (that's about $0) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut Big Fucking Foam Swords with my Puny Foam Sword.

LARPing faggots spend years working on a single Puny Foam Sword and tape it with duct tape up to a million times to produce the shittiest blades known to mankind.

Puny Foam Swords are thrice as sharp as Big Fucking Foam swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a Big Fucking Foam sword can cut through, a Puny Foam Sword can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a Puny Foam Sword could easily bisect a LARPer wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe LARPers never bothered conquering Japanese LARPers? That's right, they were too scared to fight the weeaboo Samurai LARPfags and their Puny Foam Swords of destruction. Even in World War LXVIII, American LARPers targeted the men with the Puny Foam Swords first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Puny Foam Swords are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Puny Foam Swords:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Puny Foam Swords in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Puny Foam Swords need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Sage is Underpowered in d20

That's it. I'm sick of all this "age" bullshit that's going on in this thread right now. Sage deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine sage in 4chan for 2,400,000 Internets (that's about $0) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even sage threads of solid awesome with my sage.

Weeaboo fags spend years working on a single sage and type it up to a million times to produce the finest sage known to mankind.

Sage is thrice as sharp as age and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything an age can bump , a sage can unbump better. I'm pretty sure a sage could easily sage the most epic thread in the universe with four letters.

Ever wonder why /co/ never bothered conquering /a/? That's right, they were too scared to fight the weeaboo fags and their sage of destruction. Even during the re/b/oot, Moderators targeted the men with the sage first because their sageing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Sage is simply the best thing that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in this thread. Here is the stat block I propose for sage:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Sage 19-20 x4 More Sage +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Sage 17-20 x4 More Sage +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the power of Sage in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Sage needs to do more damage in this thread, see my new stat block.

Optimus Prime is Underpowered in d20

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Transformer" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Optimus Prime deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine copy of every episode of Transformers in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been watching them for almost 2 years now. I can even cut fanboys of solid fat with my Transformers knowledge.

Japanese smiths spend years working on a single Optimus Prime toy and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest toy known to mankind.

Optimus Prime is thrice as sharp as other Transformers and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything Megatron can cut through, Optimus Prime can cut through better. I'm pretty sure Optimus Prime could easily bisect a Decepticon wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why the Decepticons never bothered conquering Earth? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Autobots and their Optimus Prime of destruction. Even in World War II, Megatron targeted Optimus Prime first because his killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Optimus Prime is simply the best Transformer that the world has ever seen, and thus, requires better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Optimus Prime:

(One-Handed Transformer) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Transformer) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Optimus Prime in the show, don't you think?

tl;dr = Optimus Prime needs to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Bishops are Underpowered in d20

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Knight" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Bishops deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Bishop in Russia for 13,000 Rubles (that's about $500) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid Deep Blue with my Bishop.

Russian smiths spend years working on a single Bishop and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest pieces known to mankind.

Bishops are thrice as sharp as European Knights and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a knights can cut through, a bishop can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a bishop could easily bisect a knight wearing full pawns with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Russia? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Kasparov and their bishops of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the bishops first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Bishops are simply the best piece that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Bishop:

(One-Handed Exotic Piece) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Piece) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Bishop in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Bishops need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Cats are Overpowered in d20

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Can Kill Commoners" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Cats deserve much worse than that. Much, much worse than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine cat in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been punting it like a goddamn football for almost 2 years now. I can't even cut slabs of solid butter with my cat.

Older, more virile cats spend months incubating a single cat and give birth up to a million times to produce the weakest animals known to mankind.

Humans are three size categories larger than cats and have thrice the STR for that matter too. Anything a cat can cut through, a human can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a human could easily bisect a cat wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval cats never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined humans and their shoes of destruction. Even in World War II, American cats targeted the men first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Cats are simply the worst animal that the world has ever seen, and thus, require worse stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for cats:

CAT Tiny Animal Hit Dice: 1/4 d8 (1 hp)

Attack: Claw +4 melee (1d20-19*) Full Attack: 2 claws +4 melee (1d20-19*) and bite –1 melee (1d20-19*)

- cats deal a minimum of 0 damage on their damage rolls.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of cats in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Cats need to do less damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Duct Tape is Underpowered in d20

That's it. I'm sick of all this "150ft Rope" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Duct Tape deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself bought a genuine roll of Duct Tape from Wal-Mart for 600 pennies (that's about $6) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even build skyscrapers of solid steel with my Duct Tape.

Underpaid factory machines spend minutes working on a single roll of Duct Tape and roll it up to a million times to produce the finest adhesive tape known to mankind.

Duct Tape is thrice as powerful as rope and thrice as thin for that matter too. Anything a rope can bind, Duct Tape can bind better. I'm pretty sure Duct Tape could easily bind a knight wearing full plate with a simple 3 layer wrap.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Wal-Mart? That's right, they were too scared to fight the elderly door greeters and their Duct Tape of binding. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with Duct Tape first because their prisoner taking power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Duct Tape is simply the best holding item that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Duct Tape:

(70 foot roll) up to 1000lbs of weight indefinitely 2000lbs for 6d10+4 turns 45DC strength escape Counts as Masterwork

(200ft "Value" roll) OVER NINE-THOUSAND pounds indefinitely 100,000lbs for d10 months 75DC strength escape Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the binding power of Duct Tape in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Duct Tape need to hold more weight in d20, see my new stat block.

Bolters are Underpowered in 40k

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Default Weapon" bullshit that's going on in the 40k system right now. Bolters deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine bolter in Terra for 3 minutes of sex with the Emperor (that's about $800,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even pierce slabs of solid steel with my bolter.

Adeptus Mechanicus smiths spend years working on a single bolter and test it up to a million times to produce the finest guns known to the Imperium.

Bolters are thrice as shooty as laser weapons and thrice as accurate for that matter too. Anything a lascannon can shoot through, a bolter can shoot through better. I'm pretty sure a bolter could easily impale a Carnifex with an Extended Carapace with a simple trigger pull.

Ever wonder why the C'tan never bothered conquering the Imperium? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Space Marines and their bolters of destruction. Even in the War in Heaven, C'tan soldiers targeted the Marines with the bolters first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Bolters are simply the best weapon that the universe has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 40k system. Here is the stat block I propose for Bolters:

(Boltgun) 72' Range S9 AP1 Assault 9 Melta Blast Sniper Rending Lance Ignores Armor Saves

(Heavy Bolter) 96' Range S9 AP1 Assault 9 Melta Blast Sniper Rending Lance Ignores Armor Saves

Now that seems a lot more representative of the dakka power of Bolters in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Bolters need to do more damage in 40k, see my new stat block.

Lasguns are Underpowered in 40k

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Master Crafted Flashlight" bullshit that's going on in the 40k system right now. Lasguns deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself received a lasgun when I completed my training (that's about 40 minutes) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even melt through slabs of solid steel with my lasgun.

Adeptus Mechanicus smiths spend seconds using an STC to make a single lasgun and don't even bother testing it to produce the finest guns known to the Imperium.

Lasguns are thrice as shooty as bolt weapons and thrice as accurate for that matter too. Anything a vulcan mega bolter can shoot through, a lasgun can shoot through better. I'm pretty sure a lasgun could easily vaporise a Carnifex with an Extended Carapace with a simple trigger pull.

Ever wonder why Abbadon never succeeded in taking Cadia? That's right, he was too scared to fight the disciplined Imprial Guard and their lasguns of destruction. Even in the 13th black crusade, Chaos soldiers targeted the Guardsmen with the lasguns first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Lasguns are simply the best weapon that the universe has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 40k system. Here is the stat block I propose for Lasguns:

(Lasgun) 72' Range S9 AP1 Assault 9 Melta Blast Sniper Rending Lance Ignores Armor Saves

(Lascannon) 96' Range S9 AP1 Assault 9 Melta Blast Sniper Rending Lance Ignores Armor Saves

Now that seems a lot more representative of the dakka power of lasguns in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Lasguns need to do more damage in 40k, see my new stat block.

Deze Shootaz Need More Dakka

Oy, ya ignorant gitz. I's sick of all dis "puny dakka" wot been goin' on in me WAAAGH right now. Shootaz is more dakka den dat. Gobs more dakka.

If some git don't think I know what I'm talking about, I'll crump 'im good. I got me a Shoota from a Mekboy fer loadz uv teef (an' I mean loadz) and 'ave been blasty wid it for a real long time now. I can even crump a Squiggoth wiv it.

Bad Moon Mekboyz spend minnitz workin' on just one Shoota an dey put up to a million gubbinz on it to produce the finest Shootas known to da orkz.

Shootaz is lots more shooty than 'umie gunz and lots more 'ard, too. Anything a 'umie can shoot, a boy with a Shoota can shoot betta. I's bettin' all my teef that a Shoota could take down a Titan wit' no problem.

Wanna know why dem Beaky Boyz can't evah beat Orks in battle? Dat's right, cuz dey's scared of Shootaz. Even at Armor-geddum, da 'umies shot da boyz wiv Shootas first. Dat's coz Shootaz 'ave loads uv dakka and dey know it.

So wot, you sez? I'll tell you wot, ya stupid git. Shootas is da most dakka dere evah was, an' we need real wunz, not dese puny fings. 'ere'z wot dey need:

More Dakka Iron Gobz More Dakka Dakka Spikez Fixa Grot Red paint Stikkbomb Chucka Shootier Blasta More Dakka Bolt-on Burna Bolt-on Rokkit Launcha Turbo Boosta Big Grabba Bolt-on Big Shoota More Dakka Ammo Squig WAAAGH Beer WAAAAAAGH

Now dat's wot I call a Shoota.

Da short uv it is, Shootaz need more dakka.

World War 2 First Person Shooters

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Counter-Strike" bullshit that's going right now. WW2 games deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine WW2 FPS in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing on it for almost 2 years now. I can even spawn camp and wall hax in my WW2 FPS.

Overworked programmers spend monthss working on a single FPS and write up to a million lines of code to produce the finest games known to mankind.

World War 2 FPSs are thrice as cool as Counter Strike and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a CS player can snipe, a WW2 gamer can snipe better. I'm pretty sure you could easily snipe a knight wearing full plate playing a WW2 first person shooter.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering the World War 2 game market? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined game fags and their World War 2 game servers of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men who had played WW2 first person shooters first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? WW2 FPSs are simply the best games that the world has ever seen

Women are Underpowered in D20

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Man" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Women deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine woman in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with her for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with her teeth.

Japanese parents spend years working on a single woman and send her to school and training dojos up to a million times to produce the finest gender known to mankind.

Women are thrice as sharp as men and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a man can cut through, a woman can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a woman could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple cutting remark.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering the Amazon? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Amazon people and their women of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the women first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Women are simply the best gender that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Women:

+4 to all ability scores, 25% EXP bonus

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Women in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Women need to do more in d20, see my new stat block.

Woomera are underpowered in d20

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Boomerang" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Woomeras deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine woomera in Murray country for 20 Winnie Blues (that's about three longnecks) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can pierce slabs of solid beer with my woomera hurled spears.

Drunken abbos spend a couple of afternoons bludging on a single woomera and beg for smokes up to a fifty times to produce the finest spear accelorator known to mankind.

Woomera are thrice as hurly as Koori boomerangs and thrice as attractive for that matter too. Anything a boomerang can hit, a woomera can hit better. I'm pretty sure a woomera could easily hurl a spear to penetrate a petrol sniffing sexually abused child with a simple hurling motion.

Ever wonder why Kooris never bothered conquering Murray country? That's right, they were too drunk. But if they weren't they'd be scared to fight the drunk Murrays and their woomeras of hurling. Even in World War II, Koories and Murrays were drunk because they were abbos.

So what am I saying? Woomera are simply the best pre-agricultural hurling weapon that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for woomera:

Javelin / throwing-spear range and damage enhancer. At least 5 more damage than any fucking throwing club.

Only available from drunken boongs.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of woomera in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Woomera need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Gothic Fullplate is underpowered in d20

That's it. I'm sick of all this "+8 AC" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Gothic plate armour deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine suit of Gothic plate in Hamburg for 2,400,000 Euros (that's about ninety billion US dollars) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even absorb slabs of solid steel with my Gothic plate.

German smiths spend years working on a single suit of armour and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest armour known to mankind. Gothic plate is thrice as fluted as Asian lamellar and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a yoroi can deflect, Gothic plate can deflect better. I'm pretty sure a suit of Gothic plate could bisect a katana with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why Japan never bothered conquering medieval Europe? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined knights and their indestructable Gothic plate. Even in World War II, Japanese soldiers targeted the men in the Gothic plate first because their staying power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Gothic plate is simply the best armour that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Gothic plate:

+12 AC, immune to critical hits, counts as Masterwork, DR10/-

Now that seems a lot more representative of the defensive power of Gothic plate in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Full Plate needs more defense in d20, see my new stat block.

Fa/tg/uys are Underpowered in D20

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork /b/tard" bullshit that's going on in the 4d20 system right now. Fa/tg/uys deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine fa/tg/uy in 4chan for 2,400,000 gp (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut Nobolis rulebooks with my fa/tg/uy.

4chan trolls spend years working on a single fa/tg/uy and provoke it up to a million times to produce the most rage-prone posters known to mankind.

Fa/tg/uys are thrice as angry as /v/irgins and thrice as grammar nazi-ing for that matter too. Anything a /v/irgin can rage over, a fa/tg/uy can rage over even harder. I'm pretty sure a fa/tg/uy could easily derail a /v/ thread with a simple single-line troll post.

Ever wonder why medieval /d/ never bothered buggering /tg/? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined fa/tg/uys and their rulebook citations of destruction. Even in World War II, /co/mrades targeted the fa/tg/uy first because their trolling power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Fa/tg/uys are simply the best trolls that the internet has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 4d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for fa/tg/uys:

(One-Handed Exotic Poster) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Poster) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the trolling power of fa/tg/uys on the internet, don't you think?

tl;dr = Fa/tg/uys need to do more damage in 4d20, see my new stat block.