Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer

The Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer is the standard book carried by ALL Imperial Guardsmen. The book, like the steel balls, is standard issue to all recruits. Failure to present it upon request may result in getting shot. There is even a page with a small white square on it, and if said square is in any way defiled or marked then the owner would be immediately and thoroughly executed. Good luck trying to actually own a real life copy, it is more expensive than a Leman Russ, just for a used copy. Although, you could get lucky and find The Imperial Infantryman's Handbook for almost half that price at Barnes and Noble - it includes the Imperial Munitorum Manual as well as the Uplifting Primer in a single book. It also has a nifty little section of pink pages in the back titled The Benedictions of the Emperor, Inspiration Source and Uplifting Creeds for all Infantryman.

This Book basically tells the infantryman that his weapons are the best in the universe and WILL kill most things with ONE shot (possible but unlikely). It also tells such helpful things like Eldar Shurikens being unable to penetrate Flak armor (total lie and hilarious considering nearly just about any kind of weapon can penetrate flak armor), Orks being small and stupid (bigger lie, at least at the small part and much to the Imperial Guard's dismay there are highly intelligent Orks too), the Tau are herbivorous animals that are scared by loud noises and possibly incapable of mathematics and science (wait until the reader sees the sheer amount of loud dakka the Tau possess) or most hilariously, Genestealers being slow, sluggish, and having blunt-tipped claws (to which every Terminator marine in the galaxy either promptly laughed his ass off or suffered an aneurysm from sheer stupidity.)

For an experienced Guard veteran, the only comfort that the primer provides is in cleaning up after a visit to the restroom and MSTing when the commissar isn't around. Seriously, it's canon according to the "15 hours" novel.

Although it could be argued that is the whole purpose of the primer. Freedom of print is relatively spotty in the God Emperor's realm but all the stuff about how Xenos are puny and weak could be just keep the inevitable civilian reader from crapping himself in fear, since if most people knew the truth about the Imperium's enemies, they'd never join. Few regiments of the IG are without a veteran cadre that would be quick to explain to the FNGs (Frakking New Guys) that Orks are actually quite clever and agile plus larger than humans, Eldar shurikens will reduce you to lunch meat regardless of your flak vest, genestealers will get all up in your grill and rip you apart before you can blink, and that whilst theoretically a Lasgun can kill anything in the galaxy in one shot, it's better to be thorough and shoot it a few dozen more times. As such, the primer is there to encourage people to join and boost their morale. In the Imperium's eyes, they only need to last until they get attacked by the enemy. The "weak" get culled and the "strong" survive.

There's also this one page that has a blank square and the caption "KEEP THIS SPACE CLEAR. DO NOT DEFACE. ON PAIN OF DEATH." Every single book, sans misprintsforgeries, has a smudge inside the square.

Table of Contents

1. Principles and Regulations. The rules are very stacked against the lowly trooper. "WRONGS TO SOLDIER, REDRESS OF: Any soldier who thinks himself wronged by an officer and who tries to incite proceedings against them will be punished by a flogging from the officer in question, in front of the rest of the platoon. Officers are to be obeyed at all times, without question or reservation."
2. Issued Arms, Attire, Apparatus and Equipment. The instructions on how to use this stuff is useful.
3. Imperial Guard Organization, Structure, Basic Battlefield Policy. This section is actually quite useful for understanding the logistics
4. Imperial Guard Armour and Tank Recognition, Affiliated and Enemy Variants. It's good to be able to recognize friendly tanks from enemies, but the abilities of enemy vehicles are severely understated.
5. Know Your Foe. This section is where almost all the memetic stuff comes from. See the "severely understated" line above, then multiply by about 27.
6. Elementary Battlefield Medical Instruction. The writer did their research here. There is also a gratuitous section reminding the trooper that any sign of cowardice (in a medical context it's likely referring to PTSD or Shell Shock) is to be reported to a Commissar at once so the usual treatment can be administered. Whether *BLAMMING* or simple notice for the Commissar to pull the soldier out of the line for basic therapy and R&R is up to the reader/Commissar in question.

Actual Contents of Value

Despite much of the above (and a lot of what the above lists is not exaggeration), the Primer actually has a great deal of genuinely useful information in it. Included useful segments include:

• Numerous prayers and hymnals to the God-Emperor of Mankind

• Not Included The Litany of Stealth

• Numerous bits of insight on tactics, weapon analysis, and how to keep oneself sane in a given war. Included are segments from the Tactica Imperium, information on how to set frag grenades as booby-traps, how to operate, maintain, and modify lasguns, and numerous bits of information explaining why it's so important that the Imperium of Man send millions to die all across the Segmentum Solar (tactical importance of the current campaign in terms that the grunts can understand, so they fight with more clarity of purpose)
• Why the Commissar is there to help you and not simply execute your ass to be a dick (mileage may vary)
• Helpful suggestions on how to impress the aforementioned Commissar with suicidally-brave acts of heroism
• How to procure food and water in a survival situation.
• Why the ruinous powers are bad, how to recognize when someone is under their sway... FOR OFFICERS EYES ONLY. ARE YOU AN OFFICER? NO!? *BLAM!* and why you should put your faith in the Emprah
• Correct ways to conduct fieldcraft and trench warfare
• The proper use on how to take cover and use said cover in a fight (*GASP* THEY USE COVER!?)
• Information on demolition and sabotage tactics.
• Why the dreaded space communists are bad and eat babies, even though the eating babies is a lie.
• Why the Eldar are untrustworthy fucks, though the Imperium is no better HERETICS LIKE YOURSELF ARE NOT WORTHY OF THE TRUTH! *BLAM!*.
• Why leading by example is important (I.E. how to grow the Guardsman standard-issue stainless steel balls. It's a lot like a Chia-pet.)
• Jokes and mocking of the enemy. (The infamous "Litany of Stealth")
• Why humanity is the rightful heir to the universe, and thus how purging xenos and heretics is doing the Emperor's work.
• A death notice to be filled out by the trooper's commander and/or commissar, to speed up informing the next of kin to the trooper's inevitable and almost certainly horrible demise.

Gallery

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  The Primer contains all sorts of information, from the very helpful...

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  ...to the parts that are of better use as bog roll. (Except for that last sentence, that's actually a good idea if you ever get there). Not that this is unhelpful mind, just that it's more worthless then a screen door on a submarine against orks. (Also, real life bayonet instructions pretty much always say that you should aim for the stomach, not the throat or chest).