Golem

Make stupid jokes about big noses and banking at your own peril

Not to be confused with Gollum or the Pokémon Golem.

Golems are creatures from Jewish mythology, animated humanoid creatures made from inanimate material (typically clay) brought to live by holy words (or Chem) by rabbis who, through their piety, gain some of God's power and knowledge, including some of that which he used to make Adam. Purposes for making a golem include general labor, labour in hostile conditions, defending treasures, places and tombs and killing the fuck out of antisemitic mobs. Comparable myths about animated statues can be found in other places, for example the Greek God Hephaestus creating gold and silver maidens to help him out, being crippled and everything (also to have sex with because his wife fucked everyone but him). The word "Golem" has become a catch all term for such things.

Golems in Dungeons and Dragons

In D&D, Golems are mid-tier enemies. There's about as many kinds of Golem as there are things out of which you could potentially make them, from quasi-robot Steel Golems to quasi-Frankenstein's Monster Flesh Golems. You could even use clay, if you're the kind of person whose pet tortoises die of boredom, though they do have some unique abilities. (Chiefly, hasting themselves and having a chance of going berserk.)

They are generally rather like fantasy-equivalents to robots, mindlessly following the orders of their masters to the letter rather than the spirit. They tend to have lots of raw strength and hit points, on top of high damage reduction and magic resistance (or even immunity) as a racial trait. Some of the more-exotic types have magical powers. Warforged are the closest thing to a PC variant golems possess.

Ravenloft adds the added wrinkle of "dread golems"; while they look and act like regular golems, the Dark Powers have used the obsessiveness of their crafters to make them truly sentient, rather than acting like automata. Unfortunately, the Dark Powers' "gift" also makes dread golems extremely malicious by nature, and most if not all of them will eventually attempt to murder their creators.

You might think that golems get pretty old, pretty quick, but they come in a massive array of forms, abilities and levels.

My mansion turns into a 60ft tall monster I can control from the inside. Don't talk to me about pimp.

Pathfinder

Pathfinder even introduced the idea of Colossi, incredibly huge and powerful golems made only by the true masters of magic.

Monstergirls

This article or section is about Monstergirls (or a monster that is frequently depicted as a Monstergirl), something that /tg/ widely considers to be the purest form of awesome. Expect PROMOTIONS! and /d/elight in equal measure, often with drawfaggotry or writefaggotry to match.

Golems enjoy some popularity as monstergirls. Because of their hard bodies they are lacking in the physical department: no hugging, no kissing and no sex. Handjobs are technically an option, but given the often hard and cold materials golem girls are made of they tend to be uncomfortable at best. Despite (or because of) this they often desperately want to feel and touch their lovers, with romantic streaks being common. On the other hand, somewhat cold and aloof personalities also appear amongst them. Actually permanently turning a golem girl into something fleshy is out of the question, because that would defeat the entire point of a golem girl. But the science/magic that made them also proves the answer. By linking something like a fleshlight into her body the girl can feel and have sex, even if it is somewhat uncomfortable. Aside from the shenanigans that come from a golem girl being quite heavy for her size (being made out of stone or metal and all), there is one tragic element to them. Because of their nature a golem can live forever if they're not destroyed. As such they're very likely to greatly outlive their lovers, which sometimes has them stand over their lovers' graves unmoving for a long time to come.

Needless to say, golems appear in the Monster Girl Encyclopedia. Aside from the stone-based, rune-powered "common" Golem, there's also the more mechanical Automaton, the slime-like Lava Golem, the Gargoyle and the Skeleton, a necromancer's equivalent to a golem.

• 

  A Golem

• 

  A Lava Golem

• 

  An Automaton

See also

• Neutronium golem