Dwarf

Tordek, not the epitome of dwarfliness (dwarves aren't all rapists).

A Dwarf (or more properly, Dorf) is a short guy who is made of muscle and beard and alcohol and awesome. No member of dwarf society can function without alcohol. Even their infants are made to chug a whole keg of ale down before Mommy ever lets the baby near her nipples (although, given the liquor intake of the average dwarven mother, she probably lactates eggnog). They like to live in dwarven fortresses. Dwarf characters should have one or a combination of the words "beer", "beard", "bronze", "stone", "Urist", "iron", "hammer", or "axe" in their names. A good example would Hammer McShieldbearded.

Dwarven Physiology

Dwarves typically consist of seventeen main organs: The beard, the boozehole, the gratuitous Scottish accent, 13 livers and an axe. Many outsiders erroneously dismiss a dwarf's axe as an implement of the most common trade, but recent experiments probing into dwarven society (and consuming dwarven booze) have revealed that it is in fact a rare biological example of a fully detachable organ.

The beard is used primarily for attracting mates, and probably something to do with converting argon gas into vitamin C. I mean, these guys live on mead and rocks, so they gotta get antioxidants somehow, right? We'll just go with that. The only notable thing to remember about dwarf beards is that when a pansy human and a dwarf argue over whether or not shaved chicks are better, they're probably not on the same page.

The thirteen livers do the same thing as a human liver, just thirteen times better (equaling 169 times the alcohol). Maybe other shit, too, but dwarves don't have time for boring biology crap. Moving on.

Boozeholes are for booze. There's other shit you can throw in there too, but those things mostly just act like a sponge, hampering the booze-absorption process. If a particularly whiny dwarf feels the need to "not starve to death," he can fill his empty boozehole with some nice non-porous rocks, or maybe a stack of five wine and rendered fat biscuits if he's really desperate.

Dwarven Mating Practices

While working, the dwarven male releases spores which had been building up since he started doing whatever manly and physical task he is currently practicing from his mighty beard. They travel through the fortress until they find a genetically similar woman (so basically anyone who lives there). Then they settle on the woman's skin and are absorbed into her body. She they immediately falls in love with the dwarf male (love was originally something created for record keeping but has evolved into the ability to share one's room) and has a baby several months later. From then on, when the working dwarf's spores will travel directly to his new mate to make the flesh shield production process that much more efficient.

Dwarven Society

Dwarven cities are underground. Now, we're not talking nice little hillside retreats full of plenty of free cake and fat, chain-smoking midgets. I'm looking at you, "Ring Bearer." No, dwarves live in mountains they carve out themselves with their bare fucking hands. I kid you not. Those *copper picks* are purely status symbols.

Your average dwarf spends his free time wishing he had more to do or, ideally, has no free time. If a dwarf ain't busy building something huge, epically awesome and dwarfy, he ain't happy. Idleness in dwarves has been medically proven to result in depression, erectile dysfunction, chronic sobriety, facial pattern baldness and pointy ears.

Other honorable pursuits among dwarves include killing goblins, killing kobolds, killing tragically neglecting safety protocol when visited by elven liaisons, swindling gullible elves and humans (house trained? what other kind of elephant is there?) and drinking contests.

Dwarven politics are a funny thing, even if they are obviously superior to all that sissy tall people "let's talk about our problems" bullshit. Upon visiting a dwarven stronghold, you will notice a perhaps disproportionate number of dwarves running around draped in purple velvet and pimpin' bling. Absolutely fucking useless. Murder Ignore them.

No, if you want to find the guy in charge, whip out your measuring stick, 'cause the largest beard you come across is likely attached to the boozehole giving the orders. The owners of these beautiful, shaggy neck blankets often go for bonus points by decking out their beards with thick braids and two-ton cast iron phallic symbols and whatever else their presumably manly square jaws can support. If you need a question answered, these are the guys who'll tell you "no, fuck you, we're doing it my way."

Dwarven Diplomacy

Dwarves are said to lean mostly toward the Lawful Good alignment. In practice, this essentially means that they prefer to swindle other good-aligned creatures, spit on neutral creatures for being pansies, and kill anything that annoys them enough to be labeled "evil," but only after swindling and/or spitting on them. As of this writing, all sentient beings and most species of tree have been classified by the Dwarven Diplomacy board as members of the last category (except humans, you don't fuck with something that numerous and trigger happy).

Basically dwarves let their axes talk for them. Fuckin' hardcore sons of bitches, they are.

Historical comparison

On the whole Dwarves across fiction tend to have the following tendencies...

• Are typically employed in metal related artisanry rather than as agricultural workers
• Tend to live in tight nit relatively insular communities and have interconnected extended families.
• Despite that, these communities work in conjunction and are dependent on other peoples (Ale is made from Barley, which like all plants tends not to grow well at the bottom of a mine without sunlight) which generally outnumber them, trading their metalworks and other products in exchange for food.
• While they can speak the languages of others that surround them quite well, they usually use their own language amongst themselves
• Are conservative (in that their society is the way that they like it, thank you very much, and seldom change it, if ever)
• Tend to put a great amount of emphasis on the written word
• Often have their communities come under assault by stupid brutish morons
• Grow long Beards

As such, if one thinks in terms of Historical Analogues Dwarves come across as Early Germanics, Australians or, in a more Tolkien-influenced work, Jews. Tolkien said that his "dwarves of course are quite obviously - wouldn't you say that in many ways they remind you of the Jews? Their words are Semitic obviously, constructed to be Semitic." On the other hand, much of Dwarven culture, like most aspects of Tolkien's major races, derives from early Germanic culture - Tolkien's Dwarves are even named after Dwarves from Norse mythology. In many fantasy universes, they tend to ape Scandinavian culture much more directly, which is fitting, considering the mythology they come from. Even if there are already Scandinavian people in the setting.

Of note is is the spelling: Dwarves VS Dwarfs. Nearly everyone uses the first spelling, which is the go-to version for the above-described people. The Dwarfs variation is mainly used in astronomy, the Snow White animation movie, the WFB race and Tolkien. The latter is actually the correct version.

See Also

• Unified_Setting/Dwarf
• Warhammer Fantasy
• Dwarf Fortress
• Squat

Gallery

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  Dwarves will build elaborate floodgates and use them as weapons, even as their clothes rot from their bodies.

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  KHALID OAKDICK, BEARDKING OF THE KINGBEARD CLAN!