Ciaphas Cain

Hero of the Imperium

Ciaphas Cain, HERO OF THE IMPERIUM!!! was a famous Commissar of the Imperium and is the protagonist of the named Ciaphas Cain series of novels by Sandy Mitchell. He spent most of his career in active service attached to Imperial Guard regiments from the ice world of Valhalla - most notably the 597th, one of the rare mixed-sex regiments - and accompanied by his aide Jurgen. He retired to become a professor at a Schola Progenium later in life, but this did not mark the end of his exploits, being recalled into active service during the 13th Black Crusade. He was also called upon at many points throughout his life to assist the Ordos Xenos Inquisitor Amberley Vail, who is almost certainly his lover. She is equal parts cute, perky, and stupifyingly dangerous.

The novels are presented as extracts from Cain's personal, unofficial memoirs, edited by Amberley - published only to and kept under lock and key by the Inquisition as they present a vastly different story to all the official Imperial propaganda about his adventures. Contrary to the heroic image he cultivated to the Imperium at large, Cain described himself as a self-serving coward in his memoirs, spending most of his time trying to ensure his own comfort and survival, only becoming a hero by accident. However, despite his self-deprecation, he routinely demonstrates great bravery and compassion in the stories, leading many to believe he is a much better person than he would admit to himself. In any event, he always subscribed to the long-term version of cowardice, often taking courses of action that appeared extremely dangerous on the basis that they gave him a better chance of survival in the long term, if not the short one.

He is also well known for being one of the few commissars to earn the trust and respect of the Guardsmen he served with - aided by his heroic reputation, but mainly because he persistently demonstrated care and concern for the soldiers of his regiment. Despite repeated insistence in his memoirs he merely did this to get on their good sides, there's a great deal of evidence that his feelings were genuine.

Cain himself was an extremely skilled combatant, being an excellent shot with his trusty laspistol and highly proficient in the use of his chainsword in melee. Amongst other things, he defeated an Ork warboss and two Chaos Space Marines in single combat, both incredible feats for an ordinary man, especially as the only bionics he possessed were a few replacement fingers. Not to mention going toe to toe with two Tyranid Hive Tyrants, and wounding them both before his men can help him. Mind you, even ranged Hive Tyrants can rip up an Assault Marine and eat him without too much effort. Further exploits include holding his own against a fucking Daemon Princess pretty well (with Jurgen's help, but still he did better than most would have), defeating Genestealers in close combat (one of which could kill two Word Bearers and severely injure a third in a matter of seconds), and standing his ground against a fucking Genestealer Patriarch/Broodlord. He also has the honour of being forever listed on "Active Battle Duty", according to official records, despite being buried with full battle honours in the early M42's; this is because, in the course of his exploits, he had been assumed to have died only to reappear later so many times that the Administratum couldn't keep up with the paperwork and simply issued a general order that his recorded status not be changed despite any evidence apparently to the contrary.

Das Novels

Essentially, George MacDonald Fraser's The Flashman Papers transplanted into the 41st Millennium, though, while Cain is more of a Coward with a Heart of Gold, Flashman can best be described as a Jerk with a Heart of Jerk, Braised in a Jamaican Jerk Sauce, then Dried out into Jerked Jerk Jerky.

Whilst the books are quite well-written, Sandy Mitchell is a big fan of recycling - even down to specific sentences. Hence each book is guaranteed to feature exactly the same descriptions of his aide Jurgen as all the others, and each contains about half a dozen variations on the theme of "Of course, if I knew what I was getting myself into by doing X, I'd have rather charged into the Eye of Terror with nothing but a rusty fork."

They are also notable for the Jurgen Ex Machina, where most of the dramatic fights are ended by the intervention of Cain's aide Jurgen armed with a meltagun and his powers as a psyker-disrupting "blank." Over the course of the series, Jurgen has racked up more kills than the rest of the Valhallan 597th put together, and has yet to have any character development whatsoever. But that's fine, because Jurgen is 125% distilled awesome.

Also features psychotic lesbian Valhallans, Orky Gargants crumpin' dose Necron gits, a grinning, friendly neighborhood Inquisitor (who you should flee from at all costs), psychotic psykers who wear dresses too small, savants that are barred from entering casinos, World Eaters getting killed by "mere" humans, surviving a starship crash, playing Space Hulk for real, blue facepainted Tau supporters yelling that you can take their lives, but not their freedom, and the Harriers getting the goddamn cup. And Space Daemon Werewolf Psyker Hitler being kicked over a dam by a solid boot to the arse.

Cain Books and Collected Short Stories

Cain, summed up in all his glory. (The actual SCENE IS from The Traitor's Hand.

• Hero of the Imperium (Contains For the Emperor, Caves of Ice, and The Traitor's Hand, as well as three short stories)
  • For the Emperor!
  • Caves of Ice
  • The Traitor's Hand
• Defender of the Imperium (Contains Death or Glory, Duty Calls, and Cain's Last Stand, as well as two short stories)
  • Death or Glory
  • Duty Calls
  • Cain's Last Stand
• The Emperor's Finest
• The Last Ditch
• The Greater Good (2013)

Trivia

• He is technically the "Edmund Blackadder" of the Warhammer 40k universe. Jurgen is considered as Cain's "Baldrick" - dirty, disregarded, not all that bright but a good dogsbody to Cain. (Though a slightly more intelligent and significantly more badass Baldrick; think Baldrick from series 1 but with a melta).
• More specifically, he is technically the Captain Edmund Blackadder of Blackadder Goes Forth for Warhammer 40k universe. Like Catpain Slackbladder Captain Blackadder, is always trying to avoid combat, escape death, and retire from the Imperial Guard.
• According to the narrator of his books (no, really) he uses the Lord Commissar rules on the tabletop.

External Links

• Lexicanum page on Cain