Chick Tracts

This article is about something that is considered by the overpowering majority of /tg/ to be fail. Expect huge amounts of derp and rage, punctuated by /tg/ extracting humor from it.

Ah, Jack Chick. Will you ever stop failing?

Even in death, he still fails.

The legend.

Chick Tracts are a huge group of blatant moralfagging comics/stories done by Jack Chick Ministries, attempting to convince younger readers that evolution is a lie, rock and roll is the tool of the Devil, the Catholic Church created Islam, Communism, Nazism and the Freemasons, (only two of whom didn't turn on them), the Catholic Church is a vile conspiracy created by pagans (Hint: He was a savage anti-Catholic, an Islamaphobe, a homophobe, a anti-jew, an anti-indian, and anti-everything! Though, his second marriage was interracial, however, and lasted until his death.) and that celebrating Halloween makes you a satanist. He only avoided being a parody American Christianity by the unfortunate fact that he was a real guy. The only reason that Chick Tracts are notable on /tg/ are two very specific reasons:

• 1. They have a lengthy segment explaining how Dungeons and Dragons is a gateway towards Satanism and Witchcraft.
• 2. They are so egregiously stupid that they've spawned dozens of instant memes, including this.

History

Jack Thomas Chick (April 13, 1924 - October 23, 2016) was an American publisher, writer and comic book artist of evangelical Christian tracts and comic books. He has been called the most published comic book author in the world. Yes, even beyond DC with its rodeo clown characters and prostitutes.

Chick was born somewhere in the unholy shitpit called California, for where else can such fail be given birth. The son of a commercial artist and his eldest at that, his family moved Alhambra wherein Whacky Jacky joined the High School drama club and was most un-Christian. Therefore proving that this man was a hypocrite and not a true believer in Lord Jesus Christ (A.S). So much so, that the true Christians who abode there avoided him. In his own words he claimed to be; "the last man on Earth who would accept Christ." Some believe that he went from being a complete dickhead who hates everyone who then "converted" to Christianity just so he could be a complete dickhead to everyone else while using his selected religion as an excuse to insult everything around him (this is most likely true as only a total fucktard like Jack would do something like this.)

After his graduation, he continued his drama education at the Pasadena Playhouse School of Theater on a two-year scholarship.In February 1943, Chick was drafted as a private in the U.S. Army. He served for three years in the Pacific theater, serving in New Guinea, Australia, the Philippines and Japan. Chick credits his time overseas with inspiring him to translate his tracts into many different languages and says he has "a special burden for missions and missionaries." Therefore proving that he was not only an incompetent combatant, but also irreligious. Afterwards, he returned to 'Murka and apparently converted to Christianity by listening to a fucking radio show. Yes, this man did not convert by reading the Bible, or searching his soul, longing for spiritual sustenance, nor did he do so for the lulz, he listened to a fucking radio show.

If you're wondering why his beliefs are so far out there that even many fundamentalists go "wait.. what?" it may be because he spent a little too much time listening to drug-addicted-former-occultist-conspiracy-theorist-sexual-predator, John Todd. Truly a credible source on the evils of D&D, Christian Rock and Catholicism.

In 2005, a fine thing called a heart attack struck at him but failed to kill him. But it is no less a hero for trying. Shortly thereafter he had a triple coronary artery bypass. He then returned to seclusion and awaits death finally kicked the bucket, and is standing before God who is yelling at him "How dare you presume to speak for me! I have a mind to create a hell just to throw YOU in, Jack. You made me look like some deranged, psychopathic, egomaniacal, self centered, vain bastard... GUARDS!!! GUARDS get in here, NOW!!!!!"

And as of October 23, 2016, it's finally happened. One less total paranoid incompetent loony now roams the earth. Whether this will result in his abysmal comics finally being rendered down into the pulp they were made from is unknown.

So, why is this guy so hated?

Perhaps because he was woefully misinformed on several issues. Allow us to list his more general offenses against Religion, Rationality, Good taste and Tabletop.

• The man failed to get even BASIC CHRISTIAN DOCTRINE right.

• He was violently intolerant of all religions except his own. That includes but is not limited to: Islam, Judaism and ALL FORMS OF CHRISTIANITY THAT DO NOT FIT HIS PERSONAL VIEW. Yet somehow in one of his latest comics he portrayed Eastern Orthodox Christians in a positive light, though many would argue it is much more creepy and threatening when a batshit insane person likes you as opposed to hates you (especially when they involve you in one of their stupid and illogical conspiracy theories, which he, of course, did). He had a special hatred of Roman Catholics, and one of his tracts was (I kid you not) THE DEATH COOKIE.

• Non-Christians are invariably portrayed as either completely off their meds or pants-on-head retarded (usually leading to one of them asking "durr wuts a jesus" at some point), while Christians are invariably portrayed as smug, self-righteous twats, thereby managing to piss off everyone.

• He claimed that Dungeons and Dragons is a gateway to Satan. We already had to deal with that shit during the 80s. Nevermind the fact that Gygax himself was a Christian, hence why Angels were the good guys and demons were evil.

• He outlived Gary Gygax on both sides. There is no justice left in this universe.

• His artwork is shitty. Fred Carter, a black guy mind you, was his artist for a while, and the change is very noticeable.

But, truly the only reason is due to his Dark Dungeons comic strip which is a vicious smorgasboard of unrivaled lulz that happens to be a metaphor for how Dungeons and Dragons is gateway to the Unholy. While such is true of 4e, the other editions are clearly halal. Due to the sheer audacity of this man daring to heap shame upon the favorite pastime of neckbeards, they have banded together unleash their copious rage and DERP upon him. Though they are justified in this, srsly, did you read the above?

However, any parodies of his comics espousing what is considered to be a more 'enlightened' point of view are often loaded with just as much FAIL and hypocrisy as the original tracts.

Quotes

• Ms. Frost: "Okay, Wizard, cast your spell!"
• Debbie: "Okay, Dungeon Master. My spell of light blinds the monster."

• Frost: "The thief, Black Leaf, did not find the poison trap, and I declare her dead."
• Marcie: "NO, NOT BLACK LEAF! NO, NO! I'M GOING TO DIE! Please don't make me quit the game! Somebody save me! You can't do this!"
• Frost: "Marcie, get out of here. YOU'RE DEAD! You don't exist any more."
• Mrs Baxter: "Don't make the mistake of believing that good people go to heaven and bad people got to hell. That's a lie straight from the Devil." (The Tract this comes from concerns a little kid getting hit by a car on Halloween night after he went to a Haunted House. Guess where he went? Go on, guess.)

See Also

Dark Dungeons

The righteous Mystery Science Theater 3000 parody of Dark Dungeons!

The response if you're an atheist and/or annoyed.

A "measured" review of the film.