Tales of Fail

This is a page for the posting of tales of epic and might fail

iN THE SHORT RUN THE PROCESS IS DAMN BORING.

Nanyte Blaster fun

Okay, so here's the deal. Nanyte Blasters are a relic in The Horus Heresy Book 4, and can be taken by any 30k army. It's an S5 AP2 Assault that causes anyone killed by it to drop a Large Blast on their corpse if you roll a 4+, and yes this can cause a massive chain reaction.

Being cheesy, I deep striked my Legate with some Veletaris next to space marines, using an Arvus Lighter(Unarmed flyer transport). My legate fires his Nanyte blaster into the full squad, killing a marine. Uncontrolled Growth triggers, and a large blast is dropped that hits 3 more marines, and one of my Veletaris.

The 3 marines die, but uncontrolled growth fails on them. My veletaris also dies, and uncontrolled growth starts on him, dropping an S5 AP2 Large blast that hits 8 more of my guys, 5 of which spawn additional large blasts on their corpses. As a result my entire Squad of Veletaris plus my legate dies, while the marines got off with barely any casualties. Remember this if you're ever having a bad day, as this legate had a far worse day than yours by accidentally killing himself and everyone with him.

Biggest Always Fail Hardest 2

My friend always liked playing Eldar. As it was before 7th, or even 6th edition update, I liked playing with him too, as it was somewhat challenging for my IG. He always tried to base his strategy around mighty bubble of buffs that Avatar of Khaine gives. What my friend had enough though was how this strategy failed him miserably every single time when he played with me. There were two situations that proceeded to draw the last fucking straw. First was when he hobbled across the field with his units (AoK leading the advance) turning my guardsmen into mincemeat with shuriken volleys, having none of all these "casualities/pinning" things as his army was bloody fearless. As he got close he declares charge against last squad of veterans with plasmaguns protecting my Commander. He cackled when I declared overwatch. Then he turned several shades paler, as my vets proceeded to land nothing but seven hits with plasmaguns AND sarge's plasmapistol. Even though Avatar was protected earlier by his 5++ save he got murdered and turned to cinders by disciplined volley of searing bolts. And I got slay the warlord btw. As his army was no longer fearless, I let fly with everything I got left and routed them from field.

The second time was when both our forces were quite exhausted bar HQ's. Again it was Avatar of Khaine as warlord, and it was quite similar to the last battle, but this time it was me that bravely/foolishly charged with my company command squad to stop this monstrocity in it's tracks. Before charging I shot the bloody thing with all the laspistols of my CCS and he lost one wound due to las-headshotting. Of course when I got him (after overwatch induced melting of one of my vets), he shouts CHALLENGE. I grudgingly accept, knowing that my warlord won't live to see another day. THAT'S WHEN HE MISSES OR FAILS TO WOUND ON NEARLY EVERY ATTACK. The one wound that gets through bounces off refractor field. Then my commander hits and wounds with all his powerfist attacks and proceeds to mop the floor with remains of AoK. As all he got left after this, was one-half unit of guardians, and lone immobile and weaponless Fire Prism against my heroic commander and quite operational if immobile Battle Leman Russ, he forfeit the game. And later quit Eldar completely.

Carnifex vs Fire Warrior

My friend was trying Tau, so we decided to have a game of 40k with my Tyranids versing his Tau.

My Carnifex had two wounds and lost another to shooting before getting into combat with a unit of Tau Fire Warriors. I had upgraded the Carnifex with most of the upgrades it could have including the initiative boost, a +2 armour save, an extra wound, Crushing Claws and Scything Talons. The Carnifex killed all but one of the Fire Warriors. Then the lone Fire Warrior retaliated and I sat back because my Carnifex had all the upgrades I could afford points-wise and there was only one guy left. Then the Fire Warrior hit and wounded the Carnifex, despite needing 6's to wound. THAT'S WHEN I FAILED MY ARMOUR SAVE AND A CARNIFEX DIED IN COMBAT AGAINST A SINGLE FIRE WARRIOR.

Necrodermis Chastity Belt

A group of friends and I had a match of 5th edition Warhammer 40k, where one player would use an army while the others each used a single HQ choice. The other HQ players chose their characters, I chose a Necron Lord (3rd Ed codex) while she chose a Chaos Space Marines army led by an Exalted Keeper of Secrets (the S7 Gargantuan Creature with the sword that ignores Invulnerable Saves as well). We managed to do some damage to the army without much wounds lost, taking a few of them out. Then the Exalted Keeper of Secrets charged in. We responded accordingly.

A geared-up Space Marine captain fell to it in one round of combat. Then it charged an Avatar of Khaine, which was also curbstomped in a single round of combat against that monstrosity. Then it charged my Necron Lord and declared challenge. I grudgingly accepted, knowing that my Necron Lord was about to be destroyed and (lorewise) likely reduced to a sex toy. Despite the fact that the EKoS had eight attacks (to my three wounds) that hit on 3's and wounded on 2's with with no saves allowed SHE PROCEEDED TO MISS OR FAIL TO WOUND ON NEARLY EVERY ATTACK. The one wound that gets through meant my Necron Lord was able to retaliate. My HQ hits and wounds with his Warscythe, taking a wound off the EKoS and surviving the combat. Though the Necron Lord died in the second round of combat he passed his "We'll Be Back" roll and (thanks to his Phylactery) got back up with full wounds, ready for another go!

Clumsy new Terminator Armour

I was doing a 3000 point game of Space Marines against Imperial Guard, where the guard player brought EVERY. LAST. TANK. HE. OWNED. Something like 30 or so tanks all in a parking lot in the center of the board, all of varying types. Of course, part of my army included a group of sigmarines; clearly space marines wearing Sigmar Pattern Terminator Armour, and sitting in a Land Raider.

My Land Raider made a beeline for his parking lot, and managed to get within 4" of a cluster of 6 tanks. The next turn he fails to destroy the land raider with Melta-veterans, and my Sigmarines disembarked, staying 1" away from the veterans. In the assault phase I had to make a 2" charge through difficult to simultaneously charge SIX TANKS. I was feeling amazing, as I was going to remove a huge chunk of his army in one go!

And then the terminators rolled snake-eyes on their charge, for a total distance of 0"! Effectively they came out of the Land Raider, and collectively tripped on their own toes. Me and my opponent both had to step outside so as to not disturb the other gamers with our boisterous laughing. When we resumed the game, my opponent swung his two punishers around and picked the terminators right up off the board.

The Great Enemy Ascendant

One of my best buddies had recently started Chaos Marines, and I had started Eldar, both happening barely a week after the release of their 6th ed codices. We decided on a 1.5k point game - in which She who Thirsts feasted mightily, and laughed with great amusement at the utter refusal of the dice to help the Eldar. A farseer, exarch, and even Eldrad himself get killed in challenges, without even scratching the opposition. Now this would have been of no consequence, for my Fire Prisms had been blasting great chunks out of the Chaos horde - if it were not for my friend rolling 3 daemon princes in a row on the chaos boon table, transforming his cultist champion, chaos lord and marine champion each into a single reason to bash my head into a wraithbone wall as I write this. My Fire Prisms each got a single shot off before being smashed to bits - misses all. The Craftworld must now prepare for all-out war.

Total Party Incineration

Playing DnD5e, I decided to make a Wild Sorcerer, because Wild Magic Surge. Okay, party consists of a cleric, a thief, a monk, a wizard and me, all level 1, all with 12HP or less. We get to go after some bad guys who are giving a small town some trouble. First battle erupts and all goes well, didn't have time to cast any 1st level spell. We get some info and move on.

Ambush! 7 highwaymen attack us! Second battle! I use my tides of chaos to get advantage for an attack, if only to force a wild magic roll on my next turn. Next turn comes in, I charm one of the mooks. Magic Surge time! D100 results in 01 - one surge each turn for the next 10 turns. Off to a great start!

Well, battle ends before I get another turn, but the surges will still happen. The sequence was

• 53 - Immune to alcohol intoxication for 5D6 days (rolled 14)
• 78 - Polymorph on myself. Successful save.
• 44 - Teleport as a bonus action
• 64 - Cast fog cloud centered on myself
• 73 - Random creature becomes poisoned (the thief)
• 75 - I glow with a bright light for 30ft. "JESUS IS COMING FROM THE MIST, BABY!"

Then, I roll 08. 3rd level fireball centered on myself. They all looked at me with a mix of awe and rage. 8D6 damage against a party of level 1 characters. Oh, did I mention that we got so excited at what would happen that the party forgot to move away from me? Because they did. Time to roll damage: 31. Me and the wizard are dead (if you take your total HP in damage when you're at 0 health, you die instantly. We had 7HP). Roll Dex save! Cleric fails! Monk fails! Thief succeeds, but he only had 4HP before the blast. Total Party Incineration at level 1.

Oh, and the charmed mook survived, because he was outside the blast zone. According to the DM, he is now level 3 and retired after the battle.

What What in the Butt

Space Marine player here. I was facing off against my friend's Tau army, and she was fielding her Y'vahra for the first time. Poor reserve rolls means both her Y'vahra and my drop pod grav Centurions fail to arrive until turn 4. She deep strikes the Y'vahra into the middle of the board to hold an objective. Only too late does she realize that it is out of range to shoot anything! On my turn, my Centurions come in, just out of intercept range. They proceed to shoot up the Y'vahra, getting just enough wounds past the invulnerable and feel no pain saves to bring the beast down in one salvo. As luck would have it, the Y'vahra's back was to the Centurions. So her Y'vahra failed to fire a single weapon in its first outing before being shot to death up the butt.