Space Wolves

There is a point after which this shit needs to stop, and we, at /tg/ have clearly crossed it.

The Space Wolves are a Chapter of werewolf Viking Space Marines, and are as manly as the Angry Marines are angry. Also, they like wolves, in case you couldn't figure it out from the fucking name. Extremely Nordic, very melee oriented, and perpetually drunk/feasting/chasing bitches and of course beating the living hell out of anything that they don't like, real or otherwise. They would probably get along with Khârn, who really is a nice guy, but they're still pissed off over the whole betrayal thing, and they'd probably get along pretty well with World Eaters and followers of Khorne in general, were it not for the whole betrayal thing again keeping them from what would likely be a successful relationship. Probably more amiable towards the Angry Marines, whom the Space Wolves get many good ideas for insults from. Presently, they refuse to acknowledge the Pretty Marines as an actual chapter for undisclosed, yet obvious reasons.

Brief History and Main Overview

Leman Russ was basically Viking Tarzan with wolves instead of apes, he was captured by the humans of Fenris and became adopted son to King Thengir. When Thengir passed, Leman became king, by virtue of being the biggest badass on Fenris. And that's saying something. Ol' Empy came along and said 'JOIN ME!!!' in his typical dickish fashion. Leman then challenged him to a drinking and eating contest. This is the first instant until the Horus Heresy where the Emperor would be brought down a peg. Angry that someone may have beaten him, he fought Leman. Leman almost won until the cheating Emprah cunt hit on the head him with a Power Fist. Nice, Empy. Honor and fairness. Leman got up a few days later and had a headache from hangover. He then became Primarch of the Space Wolves. The rest is history.

The Space Wolves are another example on how Games Workshop lusts after medieval Scandinavian history and mythology. As if the Warriors of chaos weren't a tip off as to that. Given that they are the only Space Marines to have beards, wield axes laugh boisterously and act like something more than sombre, grim assholes, and because they have names like 'Ragnar', 'Logan' and 'Bjorn' they are instantly considered manlier than all other Sphess Mehreens. Including the Chaos ones. They are also the few Space Marines in the Imperium who value human life. On top of all that, they happen to have the most badass Chapter Master ever, Logan Grimnar. Who is one of the few people to actually tell the Ecclesiarchy that they were a bunch of scum sucking bastards for wiping out Armageddon's population on account of possible heresy due to seeing daemons. Which was bullshit as, Logan and the Gray Knights had already banished Angron to the warp. This man practically gave the Inquisition the middle-finger and no one could do anything about it, because he basically makes people shit themselves just by looking at them.

Scary Badass Grampa Werewolf Viking FTW!

If they were in a vidya gaem, they'd probably be voiced by BRIAN BLESSED.

Spess Wohlfs, if not already obvious, draw upon a heavy viking theme and equally heavy werewolf theme. As such, the Space Wolves, Black Templars, World Eaters and Khornate Worshipers in general, are the few people to realize that they all live in a fantasy universe with spaceships.

Relationship with the Thousand Sons

Space Wolves have a talent for rage, and it is thought by some that they pride themselves with the sheer number of enemies they have. But the Thousand Sons Chaos Legion is by and large their greatest enemy, at least that's what they think. The fact is that the rivalry began when the Space Wolves kicked the living shit out of the Thousand Sons on their home planet, which is like having your country host the Olympics and then getting last place in every event. Before that Leman Russ, Primarch of the Space Wolves, broke the back of Magnus the Red, who is Primarch of the Thousand Sons.

Considering the Emprah basically just asked for Leman Russ to give Magnus a ride to Earth, this is more like your parents asking you to tell your younger sibling to come out of their room and clean up the mess they made, only for you to go in there, shoot off both their legs, take a dump on the floor and set the room on fire, chase them out into the streets and then tell your parents that the brat suffered for not taking responsibility for the five or so school books on the couch. Of course, Horus helped that all along. Just as planned.

. . . Yeah, Horus or no, Leman probably would have done it anyway for the lulz.

This set the tone for the rest of their unhealthy relationship. The Thousand Sons do something to piss off the Space Wolves, usually some brilliant, convoluted plan, and the Space Wolves just charge and beat the living shit out of them and laugh in their faces when they find out how much work those Tzeentchies put into their plots.

Ragnar Blackmane

Meanwhile, on Fenris...

Perhaps the best example can be found in The Space Wolf Omnibus, in which Ragnar Blackmane, who is basically a young Space Wolf, not only fucks over a Sorcerer, but Magnus the Red himself. The Sorcerer, Madox, is so pissed at being foiled by Ragnar that he bitches about it to other Thousand Sons, who find this hilarious, and goes around making plots, which Ragnar manages to fuck up nicely, thereby saving the galaxy. Ragnar even took the spear of his Primarch and hurled it into the eye of Magnus the Red. Do note that this is as much canon as other BL anti-fluff shit.

Because of this, the Blood Ravens forge a weapon named after Ragnar, who tells them to keep their toys because he doesn't need it.

He and his pack once fought off 40 odd genestealers in close combat, in the actual game and fluff; fighting this many genestealers in melee is a one way ticket to massive rending claw induced ASSRAPE for anything short of a land raider. Yet somehow he managed to avoid being torn into gory paper thin pieces and come out on top. Why? It's because he's a motherfucking Space Viking, and that's a trillion times better than faggoty Space Bugs that cynics and emos jack off to. Even if said Space Vikings have an obsessive wolf fetish.

The fate of Leman Russ

Of Leman Himself, you ask? Legends state that after a great feast, He said unto his warriors:

"Listen closely Brothers, for my life's breath is all but spent. There shall come a time far from now when our Chapter itself is dying, even as I am now dying, and our foes shall gather to destroy us. Then my children, I shall listen for your call in whatever realm of death holds me, and come I shall, no matter what the laws of life and death forbid. At the end I will be there. For the final battle. For the Wolftime."

And so, Leman departed... Some say he searches for a means to revive His God-Emperor.. But despite the efforts of the Great Hunt, Leman remains beyond the reach of Man... Who knows what great feats of Heroism he undertakes....

. . . Oh, who the fuck are we kidding? Leman got lost in the Warp and became a Daemon Primarch of Khorne *BLAM* (This Commissar has been Executed for Heresy) He was, in fact, turned into a small girl). Right before he went to Warhammer Fantasy and made the Norscans.

Combat doctrine

"Wolf wolf wolf wolf wolfity wolf. Wolf wolf, wolfo wolfy wolf wolf wolf. Wolf? Wolf!"
—Attributed to Wolf Lord Egil Ironwolf, On the Intricacies of Tactical Warfare.

"The best way to defeat a Space Wolf is to wolf his wolf. You must be careful, though, because if the Space Wolf wolfs your wolf first, then your wolf is wolfed."
—Attributed to Wolf Rider Volk Wolfclaw, On the Weaknesses of the Space Wolf Doctrine.

Daily rituals of a Space Wolf

1300 - Wake Up from Hangover - The Space Wolves awaken from their booze/drug-induced comas and begin the day. Headaches abound. Aspirin is consumed by the ton.
1310 - Morning Piss - The Space Wolves empty the alcohol from their bladders.
1315 - Morning Piss Ends - The Space Wolves have finally finished urinating.
1330 - Ritual Intake of Alcoholic Beverages - The Space Wolf now cracks open his first cold one of the day. The first of many. Cheerios may be consumed as well.
1345 - Firing Drills - Each Space Wolf consumes another liter of alcohol before going out back and shooting empty beer bottles with his bolter.
1400 - Freeze your Gonads - Space Wolves shed their armor and most of their clothing to wander around Asaheim for an hour.
1500 - Feeding of the Land Raiders - Space Wolves observe a feast in honor of the chapter's revered battle machines. Blood Claws are still wandering around outside naked in the snow.
1530 - Boozing of the Land Raiders - No feast is complete without shittons of liquor. Ale and beer are poured and scrubbed all over the most honoured of the chapter's war machines. Many still have bullet holes, sometimes allowing beer to get into the exhaust ports and make fun explosions later. Blood Claws are still wandering around outside naked in the snow.
1600 - Wolf your Wolf - Grey Hunters and older Space Wolves take this time to play with their favorite 4-legged companions. Blood Claws are still wandering around outside naked in the snow.
1630 - Save the Blood Claws - Blood Claws are brought in from the cold. Most are frozen blue or black - and they want more.
1700 - Evening feast - Eat. Drink. Start brawls. The usual non-warzone Space Wolf thing.
1800 - Try to wake up Bjorn.
1900 - Night shitter break.
2000 - Night firing drills - Much to the Techpriests' Iron Priest's dismay, the Space Wolf has used the entire Chapter's stock of ammunition.
2100 - Ritual Intake of Narcotics and Purging of Testicles - Bitches and blow.
0500 - Daily Rest - The Space Wolf passes out.

Space Wolves in the 5th edition

These days Space Wolves have developed a slight wolf obsession. Whether they're riding wolves, naming their armor and weapons "wolf" gear, discussing wolf husbandry with the wolf priest, or removing Nurgle from play with their mighty Wolf of the Wolf Wolf power, it's clear that a geneseed mutation has caused many of the Chapter's members to turn into closet furries. As a result, any post in /tg/ about Space Wolves instantly illicits a dump of Space Wolf furry porn and cries of "yiff," and "wolf!"

However, all the same they remain quite popular as an army. Many play them because they still enjoy the idea of space Vikings, but others play because every unit in their codex comes cheaper than standard Spess Mehreenes. Long Fangs, for example, come so much cheaper that each squad saves around forty to fifty points or so over their Devastator equivalents, which is pretty fucking sweet for them but leads to crankiness in players of the vanilla Space Marine Ultramarines codex. In all reality, the Long Fangs and Devastators are made equal; given the fact that Long Fangs only have six men in a pack, and Space Marine Devastators have four heavy weapons in a squad of ten, making it harder to kill off the heavy weapon carriers.

Naturally, some Space Wolf players would want to insist that Space Wolves have nothing to do with furries, just as fans of Renamon might want to insist that Renamon isn't responsible for untold mountains of furry porn. However, facts are facts, and granted all the wolves fucking Marines this wikifag has seen posted on /tg/ so far, one would point out that it is pretty much /tg/ canon that the Space Wolves have kind of a problem. Nobody has to like it, but we do all have to understand that the Space Wolves have a disease which denial will not make disappear. But, on the bright side, their fixation remains solely on wolves, so at least we know there's kind of an epicenter for the illness. Alongside the Salamanders, the Space Wolves at least occasionally treat the normal people in their territory well, and stomped the high holy hell out of the Thousand Sons last time they tried to fight them. One wonders how many Thousand Sons are even left at this point.

A Quick Word Out of Character

The true reason for all this, is that, we at /tg/, in our pathetic, low reaching mastery of comedy, have seen how idiotic it is that every Goddamn Space Wolf codex unnecessarily uses the word; 'wolf' as a prefix or a suffix in every 3rd sentence. Since /tg/ is an easily angered monster, not unlike an Angry Marine, we attempt to furiously link Space Wolves to furries. As we are as fucked up as Chaos Pretty Marines.

HOPE

Matt Ward cannot corrupt the Space Wolves for testosterone pumps through their veins !!!!

Gallery

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  Tis only a matter of time until Steve Blum voices 'em

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  Totally not overcompensating...

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  Leman Russ. About to mercilessly fuck over the Thousand Sons.

See also

• Bjorn the Fell Handed
• Tactics/Space Wolves