Sigmar

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The Emperor? Please, get that pussy shit outta here.

Sigmar Unberogen, known aso as Sigmar Heldenhammer, the Hammer of Orcs, The Chosen of Ulric, Sigmar Bjornsson, is the founder of the Empire and its current patron deity. In life, Sigmar was a chieftain of the Unberogen tribe and the son of the legendary hero Bjorn Unberogen. As a god, he is the patron of the Empire, battle, good governance, strength, shouting and warhammers. His symbols are the Warhammer, twin-tailed comet and griffon.

It has never been satisfactorily explained why the Church of Sigmar insists that its brethren go bald when all depictions of Sigmar have long, flowing, unkempt hair.

It is customary to read his lines in the Legend of Sigmar in the voice Mel Gibson used to play William Wallace. This is funny because Graham McNeill is Scottish. Therefore, it will likely serve to piss him off to no end.

Appearance

Unlike that black-haired proto-Sumerian faggot we have a good idea what Sigmar really looked like without resorting to palanquins created by zealots. Sigmar was a giant, broad muscular manly motherfucker with blonde hair that was grown too damn long. Uniquely, he had mismatched eyes with one green and one blue.

Most statues of Sigmar tend to depict him as having a massive fucking beard, too.

History

Early Life

The Imperial Calendar (IC) which starts from his coronation by the Ar-Ulric (if you need to know, he's the Viking pope and he makes Bjorn the Fell-Handed look like a pussy) commonly places Sigmar's birth as starting from -30 IC. He was said to be born in the Reikland area in the southwest of what would later become the Empire, where the Unberogen tribe dwelt. The night of his birth was marked with the twin-tailed comet, but he found his purchase on life after being cut out of his dying mother's womb by his badass manly motherfucker of a father. In the middle of pitched battle with Orcs I might add. And if that sounds familiar to you, good. You're paying attention. Oddly enough, a mighty thunder-clap was also heard in the night sky. Causing various prophets to call Sigmar, "the Child of Thunder". And if that is also familiar to you, good. I shall make an expert of your filthy self yet.

In the year -15, Sigmar is recorded to have gained the friendship of the great Dwarfen king Kurgan Ironbeard by saving his stunty ass from a warband of Orcs led by a MASSIVE Black Orc Warboss (for you 40Kfags, that's basically Ghazgkhull, but with a fucking axe and a pair of balls). This fight ended with Kurgan throwing the legendary Ghal-Maraz to Sigmar, which he then promptly used to smash the warboss's skull to paste. After the fight, Sigmar attempted to return the hammer, but Kurgan told him to keep it as a reward for saving his life. He also pledged the friendship of the Dwarfen kingdom to the Unberogen tribe for this act of selfless courage. Of course, Sigmar actually only went after Orcs as part of a revenge raid for their prior attack on Reikdorf, Dwarf-saving was nothing but a happy coincidence.

Sigmar's early life would also be punctuated with other grand victories such as the Battle of Astofen Bridge, where he turned back an army of 2000 Orcs. It was also the battle where he earned his shield and became a man. Yes, Sigmar was saving Dwarf Kings and raping Orc Warbosses before early manhood.

Uniting the Tribes

"I SHED BLOOD OF NORTHERN MEN, I SHED THE BLOOD OF NORTHERN MEN, I SHED THE BLOOD OF NORTHERN MEN, I SHED THE BLOOD OF FOUR THOUSAND NORTHERN MEN!" -- What Sigmar was likely singing to himself when he massacred the Norse.

Sigmar would later learn the importance of unity from something his dad said. Probably a metaphor centering around wolves. In any event, combined with Alaric the Mad's warnings about "Orcs and things best not spoken of", he was inspired to bring the various disparate tribes of the Reik together. Even going so far as swear an oath, and dragging his best friends in it too for fun.

Of course, the Chaos-worshiping Norse tribes who came down from the Chaos Wastes decided to rape the south as they usually do. Anyone surprised? What, you? Well fuck you. They're the Norse, THEY KILL WHERE THEY WISH AND NONE DARE RESIST.

Sigmar's father foolishly thought he could resist, and marched north with a massive army 10,000 strong to face the 8000 Northmen. Bjorn came off the experience with a fatal case of axe through the skull. But it was in fact a clever ploy to save Sigmar from dying to the machinations of the Dark Gods who arrayed themselves against him to destroy his dream of a united nation. And if that sounds similar, it's because it is. Haha, disregard that, Sigmar is actually a rip-off of Charlemagne and Alfred the Great. And predates the Great Throne Vegetable by several years, thus making him the rip-off. Long story short, father and son got together in the spirit world and went on to kick the collective ass of an army of daemons, ending with Bjorn ascending boldly to Ulric's Hall. Despite getting killed fighting the Norse, Bjorn did manage to kill the Khornate Chaos Champion leading the tribes and thus narrowly prevailed in driving the Norse back. This heroic act of defiance against the Norse threat won the Unberogen the eternal friendship of the Cherusen and Taluetan tribes.

Filled with righteous rage, Sigmar marched north when the wolves of the Norsii raided and slaughtered the Udoses (Iron Age Scottish Highlanders) in the area of what is now Ostland. Sigmar then massacred the Norse, thus valorously avenging the blood-geld of the Udoses in a situation somewhat similar to the Bloody Verdict of Verden, because both he and Charlemagne were basically killing people who didn't join him and didn't believe the same way he did, thus driving them to Norsca where they would nurse an eternal hatred of the south in general and the Empire in particular that makes the hatred Chaos Marines have for the Emperor look like a stuttering spark in comparison. Seriously, tribal warfare was nothing out-of-the-ordinary before Sigmar's pussy notions of unity and empires. These offenses against the Norse also serve to solidify Sigmar as an Alfred the Great rip-off, as if building his entire bureaucracy from scratch didn't already.

Concurrent with this, Sigmar also rode hard to Middenheim to fight (lightning strikes when Ghal-Maraz bites, you know) Artur of the Teutogens. It is often said that a man must find the proper balance of pride within himself. Too little, and a man will never accomplish anything in hi life. Too much, and he'll do something fucking stupid, like climbing the Fauschlag. Sigmar was of the latter disposition. Sigmar, and his bodyguard Alfgeir, climbed the great mountain that held the city of Middenheim, sneaked into the building housing the flame of Ulric and there challenged Artur of the Teutogens to single combat for rulership of the tribe. Artur then managed to throw Sigmar into the Flame, but Ulric had already chosen him as his Champion so Sigmar simply walked out of it, howled like a wolf (literally) and hammered Artur's skull somewhere into his ribcage. This is commonly accepted as the point where Sigmar united the tribes. Except for the Jutones, but we'll get to them later===

Battle of Black-Fire Pass

So, after he brought the tribes under his banner, Sigmar set about aiding the Dwarfs in defeating one of the greatest Orc WAAAGHS! in Imperial history. People far more intelligent than I have already described said battle in various sourcebooks, so I will not attempt to match their words.

Long story short, Sigmar and the tribesmen outmuscled the Orcs and Sigmar killed the Warboss on the top of the matter with a single return-stroke of his hammer. Thus annihilating the Orc threat, helping the Dwarfs, assuring the continuity of the two peoples and proving the rightness of his ideal of Imperial unity.

In Warhammer 40,000

In the current official publications of GW, there is no link between Warhammer Fantasy Battle and Warhammer 40,000, but that's never gotten in the way of the fandom, especially considering that at one point, WFB was explicitly part of the 40k universe. A recurring hypothesis is that Sigmar is one of the Unknown Primarchs. One could posit that the twin-tailed comet which heralded his birth was actually the genetor-pod falling to the Warhammer World, that his mysterious departure was him leaving to take command of his Space Marine Legion (tentatively called the Emperor's Hammers), and that the miracles credited to him are in fact the result of the God-Emperor of Mankind. Recent pieces of background, detailing Sigmar's birth and characteristics, tend to invalidate this theory, however. Thank God.

Trivia

• Sigmar is an old Frankish name meaning "famous by victory". Fitting, considering his awesomeness.

See Also

• THE EMPIRE for the EMPIRE he founded.
• Ulric for his spiritual liege personal god.
• The Emperor, for his considerably less competent and manly (but vastly more Anatolian) Warhammer 40,000 counterpart.