Orkquisitor

The inquisitor was not pleased.

“Governor, I’m by no means strict man. But the reports I have been hearing have shocked even me. If what they say is true, it will not bode well for your title.”

The two men were seated on either side of the Governor’s desk, drinking tea.

”Why, Sir Inquisitor, I am shocked! What could you mean by such allegations?” The governor was a heavyset man, tall and broad. If he hadn’t know better, the Inquisitor would have sworn the man had Ogryn blood in him.

“Unseemly actions of your men. Possibly, the taint of Chaos. Even… that foul xenos have infiltrated your army.”

The Governor stood abruptly, setting his teacup down firmly. ”Are you accusing my men of heresy, sir? My men are clean of Chaos, I can swear on my life! They may not be… the most tidiest or formal of soldiers, but my Planetary Defense Force are true warriors in every sense of the word!”

The inquisitor looked at the other man, unimpressed by his posturing. ”Calm down, man. If I had anything but hearsay, you’d already have a las-pistol to you head. I am merely here to see if there’s any truth to the rumors.”

“…You’ve come at a good time, then. We’re holding the bi-annual training tournament at the moment, the last training before the troops leave for Elkoss VI.” The governor smiled thinly at the Inquisitor. “You can consider it being held in your honour, if you want.”

The training grounds was relatively far from the palace grounds, it seemed. At least, the old guardsman took a long time to drive there in the regimental car.

“ARE YOU SURE THIS IS ONLY THE TRAINING GROUND, GUARDSMAN?!” The guardsman swerved round a crater and jammed his foot on the accelerator. “What? Sorry, sir, I can’t hear you over the Basil-“ Another series of explosions rocked the ground, an almost constant krump-krump-krump. “We’re here, everyone out, sir!” The governor had pulled on a massive power claw out from somewhere in the back of the car, and was already striding towards the concrete barracks.

“Well, then, Inquisitor, come in and feast your eyes on some of the finest of the Imperial Guard!” Green helmets. Green armour. Green boots. Green- well, almost green everything. “Governor.”

”Yes, Inquisitor?”

“What exactly am I looking at.”

“Why, the PDF being trained here, of course! What else?”

The barracks were full of soldiers, kitting themselves up and getting ready to go. In the maelstrom it looked like no-one had noticed the pair of humans at the door.

“And the green skin…?”

“Ah- we’re trying an experimental procedure of permanent camouflage. I’ve had an idea to train all of my troops extensively in the Doctrine of Stealth-“

“And the fangs for teeth?”

”Bad dental hygiene, I’m afraid. We’re not the richest of planets, and we can’t afford EVERY bit of cleanin-“

“Governor,” the inquisitor snapped, “These ‘men’ of yours are clearly orks! What the hell is going on here?”

The Governor looked bemused. “Corporal, get over here!” One of the soldiers, hesitating for a second, ran over. “Are you a human or an ork, Corporal?” “Me, boss? I’z definnily a humie, ain’t that right, boyz?” The other muttered various forms of agreement. “Yer right!” “Izza humie fer sure, heh!” ”Look, inquisitor, we all know that orks are short, squat creatures. These fine humans are nothing of the sort!” It was true; the ‘guardsmen’ were all well muscled troops, above average height and looked menacing. The inquisitor muttered something under his breath and marched out.

---

“They’re everywhere!” he said, looking out at the battlefield.

“Of course, dear inquisitor. This IS the training grounds for the guard, after all.” The inquistor looked on in near horror as two sides of the “guard” jumped out of their trenches and charged the other, meeting in the middle with an almighty crash. Limbs flew everywhere. “And what exactly are you training them for here, then? How to die?!” A basilisk shell crashed into the fray, blowing one unfortunate individual to pieces. “And WHY ARE YOU FIRING ARTILLERY INTO YOUR OWN BASE?!”

“Oh, they’re practising basilisk- rapid-fire. You’ve got to hand it to those boys, even though they’re not the most accurate, they can get off three times as many shells as the other armies! Pretty good, eh?”

One of the soldiers, larger than the others, ran up. “Boss, we’z got the tanks reddy fer inspexshun!” The governor nodded. “Carry on, Sergeant!” “They’re, they’re orks… you can see that, can’t you?” ”I have no idea what you’re talking about.” The two of them were walking past the firing ranges, now, with the sound of las-rifles piercing the air. However, something sounded slightly… off. “For instance, do Orks use las-rifles?” The governor nodded towards one corporal who was charging at his target, firing as he went. “Las-rifles do NOT sound like that!” As the corporal got closer, yelling, the sound of him shooting grew louder – zakkazakkazakkaZakkaZakkaZAKKAZAKKAZAKKA!! “Are you sure? We’ve got some excellent tech-priests.” “Right, I’m sure…”

“ROIT, BOYZ! FOLLOW ME TA GLORWAAAAAAAAUGH!!” The speakers on the baneblade blared out over the field. As it rumbled forwards, the mob of infantry followed around it. “Those really aren’t standard parts for a baneblade! You’re not allowed- YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO TAPE SPIKES!! Techpriest, how could you allow such sacrilege?!” The red-dressed, bionically clawed man span around to face the Inquisitor. ”Techpriest? I am no techpriest, good sir! By the Emperor, I’ll have you flogg- Ah?” The governor chuckled. “Inquisitor, meet Commisar Kleinst.” Kleinst bowed, turning to meet the man properly. “My apologies, my lord. My eyesight was not as well as it once was.” It was not just his eyes – the commissar looked more mechanical than human, with a giant robotic arm and both legs, and both eyes replaced with bionic implants. “No harm done, commissar. Tell me- you have noticed something odd about your men, haven’t you…” The commissar looked surprised. ”How did you know, sir? They’re the fiercest soldiers I’ve had the chance to serve with. I wish I could go with them, but for these damn implants..!” ”You haven’t seen anything… odd about them?” ”Well… not really. I’m afraid these bionic eyes let me see in black and white. I can’t fault the techpriests, of course. They’ve tried their hardest, but I guess the machine spirits don’t smile on me.” “Carry on, Commissar.” The crippled man nodded curtly and strode off, shouting at another group of soldiers. “A good man, even if he’s not as well as he used to be. Now, has that set your mind at ease yet?” The inquisitor started shaking his head when another basilisk round exploded nearby. “And that- What- By the Emperor, how does that even-?!” He ran over to the Leman-Russ tank that had been hit. It’s maintenance cover had been ripped open, and it was obvious that the engine was completely missing.

A hatch flipped open and one of the drivers clambered out. ”Zog it, looks like itz busted.. OI, TECHPRIEST, GET YER LAZY BUTT OVER ‘ERE!”

The techpriest was certainly impressive. With a metal jaw, several metal arms and a ragged red cloak, he ran across the field. “OI HEAR THE MACHINE GUBBIN- no, wot wazzat again, SPIRITZ!” He took out a handbook and looked at it carefully. “Anin-anno-anoin.. put der oilz on it while beesechin the machine’s gubbinz… lessee.. OI, SPIRITZ! WAKE UP ALREADY!” He splashed some… liquid into the empty engine cavity. “Thanks a ton, boss! WAAARR-THA-EMPERRRRAAAAAAAAUGH!!!” The tank roared off, leaving the inquisitor silently in it’s wake.

---

He remained silent even after they reached the field headquarters.

“Look, our forces are so dedicated they allow their children to help wherever they can.” And it seemed true; small green-coloured folk ran around, carrying all sorts of gadgets. Listening carefully, he overheard a small voice. “Quiet, ya gits, we’z got a good gig going on ‘ere. These boyz are giving us some reel flash dakka, and we’re lootin some good gubbinz, too. Now we wait for the big boss to give the signal, and then we’re off, ok?”

“…Are you all right, Sir Inquisitor? Do you need the help of a psyker? Sanctioned psyker, to me!” The inquisitor span about, alarm in his eyes. Forward shuffled the psyker, two guards accompanying him and gently leading him forwards. “MY MOIND BEARZ A GREAT PAAIN..” “No. No!” The inquisitor lashed out, knocking back the cowl to reveal a bandaged green face. “OW! IZZA GOOD PAIN!” “No, no, NO!” He shoved the psyker over backwards. “IZZA GOOOOD PAIN-“ ”Shut UP! Governor, follow me!”

The back room was quieter. The inquisitor was breathing hard. “Perhaps you doubt my ability, Inquisitor.” The governor’s voice was silken. “You’re damn right I doubt-“ “But you see, the High Lords trust me to the extent that they’ve given me control over a Callidus assassin.” The Inquisitor didn’t jump as he gently pushed the poison-tipped blade away from his throat. “I… see. Well, I’m not one to doubt the High Lords.” He looked at the assassin, mercifully in the shape of a pretty young white woman. “But they wouldn’t have released an assassin to you without a specific mission in mind. Tell me, why were you sent here?” The Callidus answered him. “CAN’T SAY, BOSS. IZZA SEKRIT.”

Back at the palace. The inquisitor and the governor were on opposite sides of the table once more. “Well, inquisitor. Have you satisfied yourself enough?”

“I have, I’m afraid. At first, I didn’t believe it. Those ‘men’ out there, are clearly orks, and whether you’re trying to hide it or you really just don’t believe it, the verdict is the same. Even the most radical inquisitor couldn’t accept this! Damn filthy xenos infesting the Guard? Give me a break! I have no choice but to sentence this planet to be purged, and you, personally as a heret-“

---

Sister Catha looked over at Sister Lestrine. ”Have you noticed anything odd about the Inquisitor, lately?” The other sister shook her head. “No, why?” ”I can’t help but feel something’s wrong…” They both quickly turned back to their duties as a voice roared up from Inquisitor’s room. “I’Z CAN HEAR YOU, YA GITZ! GET BACK TA’ WORK!”