Kaldor Draigo

This article is about something that is considered by the overpowering majority of /tg/ to be fail. Expect huge amounts of derp and rage, punctuated by /tg/ extracting humor from it.

This article or section involves Matthew Ward, Spiritual Liege, who is universally-reviled on /tg/. Because this article or section covers Ward's copious amounts of derp and rage, fans of the 40K series are advised that if they proceed onward, they will see fluff and crunch violation of a level rarely seen.

Mary Sue HOOOOOOOOOO!

Kaldor Draigo is the Supreme Grand Master of the Grey Knights and a warrior beyond reckoning. As a lowly Battle-Brother he banished the Daemon Prince M'kar the Reborn and he has risen steadily through the ranks to become the Grand Master of the most secretive Chapter of Space Marines. Yet ever since his battle with M'kar, Draigo has been cursed to NEVER BE A SON OF GUILLIMAN a life within the Warp, doomed to walk within the Realm of Chaos, to remain pure when constantly assailed by Chaos, and to show fortitude and personal strength plot armour that it is beyond measure. But while Draigo lives, he will prevail and one day, he will return.

Kaldor Draigo is famous for killing a daemon prince in his first combat action, banishing daemon primarch Mortarion back to the warp, somehow carving the name of the previous supreme grand master Janus Geronitan (a fucking longer name) into the heart of said daemon primarch - and somehow not contracting space daemon AIDS in the process, single-handedly holding off a daemon horde for two days in real space, killing a daemon prince with a broken sword, Killing one of Khorne's strongest bloodthirsters with little to no weaponry*, taking said bloodthirster's axe and reforging it into a sword for his own personal use USING HIS MIND (you know, despite it being an obvious weapon of a Daemon and automatically a corrupting influence), slaying 6 of Slaanesh's chosen daemonettes (when setting one's gaze upon them is enough to instantly force submission from any mortal, no matter how strong-willed), setting fire to Nurgle's garden (again, whilst somehow miraculously avoiding space daemon AIDS), walking into the City of Tzeentch and single-handedly smashing it to rubble, which, given that the City of Tzeentch comprises geometry which is literally impossible, MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE maybe he just smashes the impossible buildings into equally-impossible rubble? Who the fuck gave Matt Ward his editing privileges back?! and slaying countless daemons whilst being trapped in warpspace. He can also be summoned by chaos cultists unwittingly instead of a daemon, no sooner returning to the Warp than after slaying them all.

The God-Emperor himself, looking at his deeds, stood up... And quit his fucking job because clearly he had become irrelevant.

*Note: It is supposed to be impressive that Sanguinius, a fucking Primarch, and in fact, the fuckingist Primarch, managed to beat up a Bloodthirster on his own.

Wait this sounds so familiar...Oh, son of a bitch !

Long ago in a distant land, I, M'kar, the shape-shifting Master of Chaos, unleashed an unspeakable evil! But a foolish Grey Knight warrior wielding a magic sword stepped forth to oppose me. Before the final blow was struck, I tore open a portal in space and flung him into the Warp, where my evil is law! Now the fool seeks to return to real-space, and undo the evil that is Chaos! Which is actually kind of cool if you think abou-, OH EMPRAH.

Wut?

Clearly, the only explanation for the sheer levels of retardation and gratuitous canon-rape Draigo represents is the simplest one: That Draigo is, in fact, defeated - Chaos cannot be beaten in its own realm of non-space because of the mere fact that chaotic beings are immortal, after all, and none of the above is true. (though psykers can "technically" kill chaos daemons for good in the warp, its still a Greater Daemon)

Right now, this very moment, Draigo is in fact a shredded pile of torn flesh and shattered bone after having his ass handed to him by the above Lord of Change and Bloodthirster, who proceeded to step in whilst the Lord kept him distracted - just as planned. This pile of broken ex-marine is also gushing ooze and phlegm and pus as he was infected with every blight and pox Nurgle has to offer. This shredded, oozing pile....thing, is also being raped and violated in the most unspeakable and vile ways by the Daemonettes of Slaanesh.

And so it shall continue, for all eternity. Because every single Chaos God finds it fucking hilarious.

The only reason he thinks "all is well" is because Tzeentch thought he'd have a bit fun with Draigo. He stuck Draigo into a matrix-esque dream world where everything goes his way and is just waiting for Draigo to climb as high as he can. This dream world will probably last until Draigo has crushed the Chaos gods themselves and all their armies beneath his feet and caused the God-Emperor himself to rise from the throne and suck him off!

Then, at the "funniest" possible moment, right as his bolter is about to fire its payload (and we're not talking about the one on his wrist), Tzeentch will rip it all away from him, Draigo will wake up and see what has really become of him and weep tears of utter loss and despair! "Just as planned!"

Admittedly, Draigo's fluff is pretty badass, but still canon-rape (no pun inten- wait, pun totally intended).

//Inquisitor's Note: While the above is no doubt the fevered ramblings of a mind crying out for the Emperor's peace there is a small measure of truth in it. Our most blessed and sanctified scriptures tell us that Lord Draigo's victories in the warp are indeed pyrrhic ones, and that every daemon slain and fortress toppled shortly rights itself. This is his curse and only when, by the Emperor's blessing, he returns to the materium will he be able to enact any lasting defeats on the ruinous powers.//

//Historitor 165.82.108.238 remanded to custody for Inquisitorial review.//

++Thought for the Day: Many are the faces of the enemy, many are the hands of the enemy.++

Mat Ward Sez

'Lord Kaldor Draigo is a combat monster - there's no other way to describe him. He's lethal against non-daemonic foes, with plenty of Strength 5 force weapon attacks to lay a beat down. When faced with hated Daemons, his Titansword becomes Strength 10, ensuring a pretty one-sided fight in his favour. Even if his enemy survives, Draigo's storm shield is sure to keep him fighting. And on top of all of this, Draigo is a Grand Master, able to bestow extra abilities on his allies. Want your Dreadknight to capture objectives? Draigo can make that happen. Want a Scouting screen of Dreadnoughts? Draigo can make it happen. He's the best possible way to keep your opponent on his toes.'

In summary: HE MAKES IT HAPPEN.

But seriously, go back to sucking Ultrasmurf cock or whatever it is you do. Everyone knows that even without his arms, Abaddon will own Draigo around 80% of the time.

Because /tg/ Can

In lab tests conducted on /tg/, Kaldor Draigo loses to Abaddon the Despoiler roughly 73.5% of the time. But then again Abaddon is meant to be a high-cost, point-sink, cc-beatstick who doesn't have arms or do anything to boost his own army...

Oh 6th edition

Like Abaddon, Kaldor's amazing super awesome blade of Mary Sue has been reduced to AP3, but Abaddon was important enough to get FAQ'd back to AP2! This means anything, ANYTHING, with 2+ save will survive combat with Draigo. Even a weaboo space communist wearing iridium armor. Or a Meganob. Or a Captain in artificer armor.

That or just charge a Chaos Lord in Terminator armour with Bloodfeeder THE MURDER SWORD or the Axe of Blind Fury.

See Also

• Fail
• Matt Ward
• What Draigo's actually doing in the Warp

Gallery

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  Because...

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  Son of a bitch even gets his own codex.

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  STEEL REIHN

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  U Mad, Dreadnoughtfags?

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  HE MAKES IT HAPPEN

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  Still a shitload better than a Primarch

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  Draigo is a very emotive person.

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  PROBLEM, DAEMONS?

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